Makoto's POV
That's weird. It was so cold, and I remember feeling... scared. Remorseful. But I'm at the dorm, lying in my bed under a blanket.
March 5th.
"What are you doing sleepyhead?"
The soothing sound of her voice blessed my ears.
I turn around and see the sun rising next to her face as she lies next to me. The suns light blinds me but the blonde girl lying next to me shines much brighter. I wouldn't dare look away from her.
"Just thinking of you Aigis."
She pulls me in for a short but passionate kiss, but when we separate my joy and pleasure turn to shock and horror as I see a friendly but unwanted face lying where Aigis just was.
Me: "AHHH! Ryoji!?"
Ryoji: "What are you doing sleepyhead?"
How did? What are yo- I have so many questions.
"How are you here? Why are you here? Why are you in my bed? Did you just kiss me?"
Ryoji: "Relax, I gave you a hallucination to ease you into your current situation and make you comfortable, and I simply took its place. I did not kiss you. Probably."
I'm very concerned about that 'probably' but I decide I to drop it. Besides, I don't even wanna know.
Ryoji: "That would make things faster."
Did I say that out loud? It's like he's reading my mind.
Ryoji: "I am."
...
What?
"You… read minds now?"
"I can do a lot of things you don't know about, including this."
He snapped his fingers and suddenly the dorm turns into the Gekkokan Music room? Not transported there, he TURNED the room INTO it.
"After everything, why does this shock me?"
"Mortals."
"So why are we here?"
And why is it nighttime?
"Like I said, I need you comfortable, but I quite like the nighttime. Plus this room holds some special memories for us right?"
It's true. When I met him here, it was the last time he was "just Ryoji" and not a God of death.
Ryoji: "I'm not A God of death I'm technically THE God of Death, or death incarnate."
And yet he hasn't changed at all.
Me: "Wait. You said you NEEDED me comfortable, why?"
"Well Makoto, that's because you're dying."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"You asked me how it's possible for me to be here, it's because technically, I'm not. We're connected remember? So in your comatose state I was able to place your mind under a hallucination."
Did he just say comatose? I'm in a coma?
Ryoji: "That's correct."
What are you talking about? How did that happen?
"Why? It's Boxing Day and I was sleeping with Aigi-"
The memories are flooding back like a hurricane. I begin to breathe hard and fast and in short bursts, my lungs using all their strength to try and get as much air as possible. I'm hyperventilating!
"Makoto, calm down, breathe deeply." He says as he puts his arm round my back to comfort me.
Ryoji: "You real body feels the same anxiety you do, so every time you start to freak out, your body will react in the real world."
"React how?"
"Increased heart rate, difficulty breathing, heart rate slowing down... essentially things that are not good. Basically what I'm saying is, you'll worry them more, and you'll potentially die."
"I could die by freaking out?"
"Yeah, so... chill out?"
Yeah cuz that doesn't make it way harder to calm down.
This is all too much...
I wonder, what would you do in this situation, Minako?
Ryoji obviously noticed I'm not calming down, so he just nods and the scenery changes again. This time, we're sitting on the moonlight bridge.
Are we in the dark hour?
"Yeah, I thought it would calm you down."
"WHY ON EARTH WOULD BEING HERE CALM ME DOWN!?"
"Uh..."
"I mean you might as well take me back to the top of Tarturus!"
"Wa- I would never do that."
His face tells me he's lying.
"If you weren't such an idiot I'd punch you in the face right now."
"Now that's just mean."
I catch myself letting out a chuckle as I realise I've calmed down, his idiocy actually made me feel better.
"So, how is everyone?"
"Not going to lie to you Makoto, pretty bad."
Of course they are.
"And how is-"
"She's the worst one Makoto."
"She must be wondering what happened."
Ryoji just looked at me in stunned silence.
I try to let out a "what" as he interrupts me with a:
"So no hey buddy, how you doin?"
"Sorry, What the hell have you been up to?"
"It's funny you should ask that, absolutely nothing. You know, after you sealed me away for six years."
"Well after you tried to kill me and all of humanity, I'd say that was fair play."
We both just looked at each other and got in each other's faces all stern and angry like... and burst out laughing.
Me: "It's really good to see you Ryoji."
"It's good to see you too Makoto. And thank you for stopping me, I really am sorry for everything."
"Ryoji, I've had you inside of me for a lot of my life, I literally saw, felt and fought the core of you. I know you didn't want to, there is nothing to be sorry for."
"Thank you for saying that. And when this is over, there are things I need to tell you. But now is not the time."
Ryoji looks like he just got this huge weight off his shoulders. But his relief quickly turns to determination and even anger. As he mutters something under his breath.
"What's wrong?"
"I understand that you were forced into all of this, I understand that you didn't ask for any of what you went through, and I'm both sorry and grateful you had to spend six years sealing me away. But you were given a second chance at life, and you THREW IT AWAY!"
My body is simply paralysed in the shock of his words. He's not finished.
"You have no idea what Elizabeth went through for you, she even somewhat lost herself in searching for a way to save you. S.E.E.S. Aigis, lost themselves when you died. They literally fought each other Makoto, and they fought seriously."
They what? How did they "forget" to tell me that?
Ryoji: "You're focusing on the wrong thing Makoto. You have no idea how much your death affects those around you."
"I did NOT throw away my second chance."
"Then explain your actions."
"I... made a bad choice."
"A bad choice? You call that JUST a bad choice? If only you could see them right now."
What's happen-
Ryoji: "You don't want to know. Also, the word is stupid Makoto, not just bad."
"You have no idea what I've been through."
"Yes I do, I know everything about you. Including the fact that you made an incredibly stupid, terrible and selfish decision."
"About Gekkokan, I..."
"I'm not talking about Gekkokan, (put a whole new spin on "The fall" by the way), no your mistake was the day before, on the ferris wheel, when you didn't tell Aigis about your issues."
"I just wanted to protect her, I didn't want to bring her down."
"You wanted to protect yourself! And used protecting her as an excuse to run away from your problems, you wanna know how I know that? Because you ended up hurting her in the process smart guy, do you think she's smiling and laughing right now? Because I can tell you for a fact she is not."
His words feel like knives, but he's right.
"I just thought..."
"That you were a burden."
I can't stop the tears. They just keep falling.
"... Yeah."
"You are."
"How can you say that? I thought you were my friend."
"I am your friend. But you have to understand, you can be a burden sometimes. Like now, they are all worried sick about you. And simply going away or becoming the great seal again will only make it worse."
"I should never have come back."
"Wrong. Again. I said you can be a burden. You are not always one. Tell me Makoto. Why are they so unhappy right now?"
"Because they're worried about me."
"And why?"
"Because they're my friends and they care about me."
"Why would they be friends with someone they saw as a burden? Why would they care so much? Isn't it more likely that they do not see you as a burden?"
"Well... yeah but how they feel and the truth are two different things. You said it yourself, that I'm a burden on them."
"Makoto, everyone is a burden sometimes. Everyone. People hurt each other just by existing. Or maybe that's too harsh, but they hurt each other as they exist. I have watched humans live and die for thousands of years, and that's just how it goes."
We hurt each other as we exist? Yeah. We do.
Ryoji: "The thing is, pain brings people together. Pain and joy. And they go hand in hand. People who experience these two emotions together, form bonds, the more of them you feel, the stronger your bond will be. But the more joy you feel with someone automatically means the more pain you'll feel with them. But the more pain you feel with someone also means the more joy you CAN feel with them. Pain is something you can't avoid. Even by isolating yourself, that's just a different type of pain. The choice is, whether you have to go through that inevitable pain alone."
"But if pain is unavoidable, what's the point of existing in the first place?"
"You were the one who found the answer to life, you tell me."
"I... I can't. It's like there's a fog clouding the answer in my mind."
"I have theories about that. But it's not important. What is important is that you know that there is a meaning, there is a purpose to your life. And no matter how much trouble you may cause, there are people who love and care about you, me included."
"I already fulfilled that purpose. Stopping you. There is no more purpose for me."
"Yet here you are, despite being completely unaware of just how close to death you are, (figuratively and literally) you're still alive. Which means you aren't done yet."
"..."
"Look Makoto, I know it's easier said than done, I know you're in pain. And I don't expect you to just recover from everything all at once, but I'm asking you to not give up. Rely on your friends, your bonds, let them be there for you instead of just trying to be there for them."
I can't hide my disappointment on my failure to do something so obvious.
"I know. I just..."
"I know. It's ok to not be okay man. And it's ok to burden others sometimes. When you share the burden it becomes easier to carry. So share it with us, we would never judge you for that."
"You're right. It's just hard to believe you."
"Well Makoto, you need to start. Like now."
"I thought you just said you don't expect me to recover at once?"
"I did. But that requires time. Time you are running out of."
"What do you mean?"
"Makoto, you have NO idea just how close you are to becoming part of EREBUS."
I think I just felt my heart drop.
"What?"
"Yeah. Oh one more piece of news, you're dying."
"Right, stay calm." As I breathe deeply to try to calm myself down.
"No. You're freaking out is only making it happen faster. But you are still dying. And your heartbeat is getting weaker day by day."
"Day by day? Wait. How long have we been here?"
"Time doesn't flow normally here. For you it's been about 30 minutes, but over there it's been about 3 months."
3 months? I've been here for three months? Oh no. Aigis...
"Not again. I can't leave her alone a second time. Ryoji you have to get me out of here!" I shout as I grab his arms and shake him.
"..."
"RYOJI!"
"The only way you will live, is if you truly desire to live."
"I DO! I DO WANT TO LIVE!"
"Not buying it."
"RYOJI!"
"By me, I mean your body. Your will to live isn't strong enough right now."
"I WANT TO LIVE!"
"If that's the case Makoto, why are we still here?"
"I... I don't know."
"Yes you do."
...
He's right. Even after everything I still think I never should've come back.
Aragaki and Mom think so too.
Ryoji: "Do you really believe that? Do you really think that your friend Aragaki-kun would actually say that to you? Does that sound like something he would say?"
"Well... he's been telling me that for months now."
"No Makoto. YOU have been telling YOURSELF that. Your own mind is playing tricks on you Makoto. Aragaki-kun would never say that to you, and neither would your mother."
"It's all in my head? But my nightmares... every night."
"Think about it Makoto. What was your mother's dying words?"
It was just one word. "Live."
Live. Li-
But what about Aigis?
"What about last night? Before I went to Gekkokan. Why did Aigis tell me I didn't deserve to live?"
"She didn't, your nightmare did. And you know why, don't you?"
Because I felt like a true burden on her life. When she quit the Shadow Ops. It was because of me. That's why I felt like she doesn't want me here.
???: "YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO LIVE! LIAR!"
What was that? It wasn't Ryoji, it was... that's right, as I began to lose consciousness after my fall, I heard her tell me that.
Then that means... it really was all in my head. She DOES want me here.
"Oh FINALLY. You get it now?"
"Yes. I think I do."
"Good, now you can wake up and tell her the truth."
"Yeah, I won't hide my feelings from her anymore."
"Well yeah that too, but also the other thing."
"What do you mean? What other thing?"
"What do you mean what do I mean? You can tell her the truth of how you fell?"
"I slipped because of the ice, isn't that obvious?"
He just looks at me. Dumbfounded. What am I missing?
"No Makoto, it's not obvious, it's actually almost impossible to tell. Don't you know how it looks?"
"What are you talking about? What does she think happened to me?"
Ryoji's eyes widen in shock.
"You really don't know do you? Makoto she found your letter."
"My letter? You mean my 'Just in case I die' letter? So what? It was just in case an accident happened, it's not like I actually planned to die."
"You know that. I know that. She doesn't know that Makoto. And neither does anyone else."
"What are you saying? She thinks I..."
The pieces FINALLY come together.
Me: "She thinks I was committing suicide?"
He just nods. Slowly.
Me: "No. No. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
This is all my fault! Why didn't I talk to her when I had the chance. I should've told her about my feelings! And now I'm gonna die and she's going to think it was SUICIDE!
"You are NOT going to die. I believe in you Makoto. You proved to me that miracles can happen. Prove it again. Focus on your love for her, for all of them."
"I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. Not without telling her I'm sorry."
No. I want more than that. I want to spend my life with her. I never want to leave her alone again. I'm going to rely on her, and I'm going to support her as she's always supported me. As all of them did. I love all of you guys.
I will embrace this feeling. Until my life is exhausted.
"I think I've done all I can do. The rest is up to you."
Before I can even get out the words 'thank you' I see tears in his eyes as I notice he's losing his cool demeanour. He gathers up the rest of his strength to tell me this:
"And this is going to sound ironic given who I am...but I don't want to watch my best friend die. Please. Live."
...
My eyes feel heavy...
... Close them
No... not again.
I focus on our bond. I let it guide me back to her, to them.
...
I know it'll be ok. Because you'll be by my side.
...
Live
March 5th.
I open my eyes. I turn around and see the sun rising. The suns light blinds me, but the blonde girl lying next to me shines much brighter.
I'll love you through all eternity.
I will never leave you.
Epilogue
Ryoji's POV
Me: "Live, my friend."
I notice a woman walking up the moonlight bridge to meet me. I already know who it is. When she arrives, she sits next to me, and just stares up at me. (Sorry, I mean she stares up at the moon)
She has straight, long, half Black half white hair which sways in the wind. She has a little black skull hair accessory in the white of her hair, and a white wilted rose in the black of her hair, and she's wearing a long, grey dress.
Oizys. God of Regret. This is her true form.
Oizys: "Do you think he'll be ok?"
"Yeah. I know he will."
"Good. Because it's almost ready."
"You don't need to do this, daughter."
"Yes, I do. I need to atone. And this is the only way I know how."
"Oiz..."
"It's fine, I want to do this. Still, I can't believe he had her soul within him all this time."
"Why do you think he was capable of holding me within him for so long? It's because he had her soul to help."
"Right. It was fate."
"So is what you're doing now fate?"
"I don't know. All I know is, I don't want what I did to him, to all of them, to be my legacy."
"You are so different than your sister. I'm proud."
"Thank you."
My daughter Oizys, you have much to learn about humans. But I have some friends who can teach you. But this is the first time I've ever seen you do something FOR them.
Oizys: "I have a question."
"What is it?"
"Makoto Yuki was not attempting suicide, that much is clear."
"Yes."
I think I know where she's going with this.
"Was it really just the ice that made him fall?"
"I... I think... SHE, had something to do with it."
"Oh no... why didn't you tell him?"
"Because this is just an educated guess. Plus, he deserves some time to relax. If your sister is behind this, they need to get all the rest they can."
There's a storm coming my friend. I only hope you're prepared. But, at least some good came of this.
I'm sure you'll be happy to finally get to know your sister. It won't be long now...
Kotone.