"This phrase is omnipotent. No matter when, no matter where, no matter to whom, you can always say this, and the issue will be resolved immediately. Simple, efficient, practical."
Draco looked utterly pleased with himself, a few unruly golden strands of hair standing up, bobbing as he shook his head, "Come on, say it yourself."
"I'm going to tell my dad."
Harry obediently repeated after him, but his heart was filled with doubt. He secretly resolved to test it out himself.
Experiment One:
"I'm going to tell my dad."
Facing his mother who stood with her hands on her hips in front of the Muggle television, having confiscated the remote and telling him to go to bed, Harry said this.
Lily's eyes widened in surprise, tinged with a hint of amusement, "Harry, where did you learn that?"
"Um... uh..." Harry didn't want to lie, but he was also too embarrassed to admit his little experiment. As he hesitated, Lily seemed to suddenly understand something:
"Wait, your dad... could it be that he's been secretly letting you watch TV at night? So those rustling laughs I've been hearing late at night recently... Goodness, I thought it was some kind of Screechsnap! James—" Before Harry could interrupt, she turned and walked upstairs.
Harry quickly made his exit.
Experiment Two:
"I'm going to tell my dad."
Facing Reggie, who was riding a broomstick with him and telling him he was too young to learn the Wronski Feint, Harry said this.
"Your dad? Your dad can't teach you Seeker moves." Regulus looked very puzzled, shaking the broomstick and making a big loop with Harry, "Have you changed your mind, wanting to learn Chaser skills from James? He was indeed very good at it back in school, and even at this age, he always leads the team to victory in the Ministry's friendly matches. You have a lot of talent in Quidditch like him, I'm sure you'd excel in any position. But are you sure, don't you like being a Seeker anymore?"
"No!" Harry quickly corrected himself, still preferring to focus on the Golden Snitch and immersed in the feeling of flying at full speed. He cleared his throat, "Alright, forget I said anything, Reggie, let's go for another fly!"
Experiment Three:
"I'm going to tell my dad."
Facing Remus, who refused to cast a Impervius charm to help him escape bath time, Harry said this.
Remus actually chuckled softly at this, which surprised Harry, "Harry—I can't believe you'd say such a thing." He gently ruffled Harry's hair, "All these years, James has been trying to be the most trustworthy and reliable Marauder, and now he's succeeded, you've learned to tattle on me to him. Oh, our Prongs!"
He seemed genuinely pleased, completely forgetting about the charm and the bath, and even said he would tell James all about this conversation to cheer him up. Harry wanted to explain but thought this counted as a success, so he took the chance to escape and successfully hid for a full half hour before being dragged back to the bathroom.
Experiment Four:
"I'm going to tell my dad."
Facing Sirius, who refused to move the portrait from the ancestral home that cursed at people so Harry could debate with her, although Harry couldn't see how it would work, he still said this.
"Oh my Merlin—" Sirius was briefly confused, then burst into laughter, almost choking, making Harry feel like a fool, "The last time I heard that was when Reg was six! Ah, the memories, Harry!"
Harry's face turned red with embarrassment, "Alright!" He patted his face and dryly stated what he originally wanted to say, "It's just that every time we go over, that portrait is cursing, always saying nasty things about you and Reg. It's upsetting, isn't it? I just wanted to try to persuade her."
Harry eventually got his wish; he delivered a well-reasoned speech in front of the portrait, which not only didn't curse but didn't even interrupt once, much to his relief.
As for whether the woman in the portrait was truly convinced or had been Silenced, only Sirius knew.
Experiment Five:
"I'm going to tell... I'm going to tell Sirius."
Facing his dad, who had hidden a pile of envelopes marked "To L.E." and wouldn't let him investigate, Harry, after much deliberation, decided to bring up his godfather—the closest figure to his dad. But this... surely wouldn't work!
Sure enough, James shrugged, "Don't think about it, son, Sirius won't help you either, I've got dirt on him."
Harry pouted, James chuckled mischievously, pinching his cheeks, stretching and releasing them like kneading a pliable dough.
"Then I'll tell... stop it, don't pinch me anymore! I mean, I'll tell Remus." Harry tried again, unwilling to give up.
"Won't work, I've got dirt on him too."
"That's impossible!" Harry was incredulous, "Remus has always been the most steady and reliable among you, even mom says so. How could he have any dirt?"
"I thought you thought that was me?" James raised his eyebrows in mock surprise, continuing to knead Harry's cheeks, "And even he has his immature moments. Back in school, during those years when he and Sirius were testing the waters before getting together, I suffered a lot, and now it's all my leverage!"
"Fine! Fine!" Harry shook his head, freeing himself from his dad's hands, resorting to the ultimate move, "I'll tell mom."
"Oh! Speaking of your mom..." James suddenly drifted into a dreamy, affectionate state, "Remember I told you, Lily and I took a long detour too. You know, I fell for your mom early on, she was always so smart, sharp, full of life. Even during exams, I'd be thinking about those bright green eyes, like grass washed by rain..."
Forget it. Harry sighed, leaving James lost in memories, walking away alone.
Love really is something that makes people foolish.
Experiment Six:
"I'm going to tell my... uh, my... my mom."
Facing Snape, who made him write out a bunch of potion ingredients without review and then punished him with copying, Harry found the words "tell my dad" stuck in his throat, thinking of the dark glares exchanged between Snape and his dad every time they met, Harry finally decided to change his words.
Snape seemed unmoved, still wearing that expressionless, gloomy face, but Harry was sure he caught a flicker of annoyance.
"I don't see any need to escalate this to telling Lily, you..." His voice was still slow and deliberate, but suddenly paused, tinged with a strange emotion:
"Wait, Mr. Potter, might I assume this phrase has something to do with Draco?"
"Ten copies for a wrong answer, right? I'll start now."
Harry began writing furiously, as everyone knows, when you're writing, you can't hear anything.
Experiments Seven to Ten...:
"I'm going to... oh thank you, auntie. I'm going to... oh never mind, uncle."
Facing aunts and uncles like Mary, Alice, Peter, Frank, Harry couldn't bring himself to say it. They always indulged Harry, leaving no room for the phrase to be used, and Harry was too embarrassed to make unreasonable requests for the sake of his experiment, so the experiments were completely shelved.
Harry mourned the experiments for a moment, meaning less than a second, then happily threw himself into their loving embraces.
Experiment ?:
"I'm going to tell my dad."
Facing Draco, who insisted Harry play another round of Seeker with him or he wouldn't return the Golden Snitch, Harry said this.
"You... you can't use the phrase I taught you against me!" Draco's eyes widened in shock, almost dropping the Snitch he was clutching.
"But you said it's omnipotent." Harry tilted his head, "You weren't lying, were you?"
Draco seemed to wrestle with himself internally, finally choosing to return the Snitch, but looking quite sullen, his hair no longer perky. So Harry added:
"I don't want to play because I'm really hungry now, I wouldn't be able to fly fast even if I played with you. How about this, next weekend, come over to my place for a whole day of Quidditch, okay? The two of us plus my dad and Sirius, we can have a two-on-two match."
Seeing Draco nod, his pride restored, Harry smiled contentedly:
"It's settled then, I'll tell my dad."
"Alright, I'll tell my dad too."