Chapter 13

The topic of online dating came up again one day when I was eating lunch. It had been a bit slow today, since the weather had turned sour and fewer people were out and about, meaning Louise sat down at a table with me instead of me at the counter and her bustling about working in between chats and her stealing my fries. She hadn't tried online dating before but didn't seem vehemently opposed to the idea so I stole her phone and downloaded a dating app. We, and by we I mean mostly me, made her a profile. I had been toying with an idea, very You've Got Mail, honestly. So I set her up with a profile and let my little plot begin.

This had all been set in motion even before the karaoke night.. Had the moment not been Steiblitzed I would have dropped it altogether but it had so I went back to this online dating idea. You see, I had a profile on the same app. There were no profile pictures so I had the safety of complete anonymity. Mr. WonderWharf matched with BurgerGal and they began a flirty and enjoyable conversation. As Mr. W, I was able to actually broach dating subjects that Louise didn't want to talk about with Logan. When I was Mr. W, I could flirt and banter and compliment her wit without the whole conversation feeling weird. That kind of stuff was what this whole dating online thing was for, right?

As Mr. W, I messaged her daily. She hesitated when I would mention meeting for real so I let her take the reins online. She sent me jokes and music, sometimes songs I had introduced her to as Logan even! It was amusing to read her gush about music she loved that I knew I showed her. It was a little bit weird, I admit. But I was out of ideas and I wanted to learn if she would be receptive to someone like me, especially when it WAS me, but without the onus of her knowing it was her friend.

One Friday afternoon, I strolled down the street towards the restaurant to see if she wanted to do lunch before work started and I saw her sitting on the steps where we had first met, so very long ago. For a split second I saw her in those stupid pink ears again. She had her phone out and was smiling to herself. I was feeling a little giddy so I snuck up behind her and looked over her shoulder. She was reading the last message I sent her as Mr. W! My good mood had me feeling silly.

"Who the hell is Mr. WonderWharf?" Let the games begin. Maybe as Logan she would tell me how she felt about Mr. WonderWharf and I could see how all this was going.

"A guy who persistently messages me from that ridiculous online dating site you created in MY name." She was wearing her sassy pants today. "But," she shrugged, "he's somewhat charming." YES.

"You sure are writing him back a lot for someone who says she doesn't want to online date." I sat next to her and tried to give her a nuggie. Something about the steps brought out my inner 15 year old idiot. She elbowed me in the ribs hard so I let her go. The disapproving, annoyed look let me know she found me less than amusing today. Bad mood perhaps?

"Well since you're so obsessed with your new girl, I had to make do and settle for Mr. WonderWharf." Was that jealousy I heard? She caught herself and tried to change the subject so I wouldn't notice. "What do you think his name means? Does he live there?"

I laughed, "Trust me, the only people who live down on the wharf are not guys you want to be dating." I thought about the multiple sketchy individuals who snuck into and slept at the park on a weekly basis. If opossums could take human form, that's what they were like.

"Hey, I'm open minded." I smiled again.

"Hobos?" She laughed this time.

"Are they hot?" That was not what I expected her to say so I laughed again. Spending time with her was so easy and fun. I wish she would just pick up on this connection! "Well then what else could it mean? Does he work there?" Oh that was spot on. "Just love it there? Oh! Could it be Mr. Fischoeder?" Swing and a miss, girl. "I wanted to marry him for his money when I was a kid!" That… sounds like something she would have said actually. Weirdo. I made a face but hid it quickly. She looked at me, waiting for me to offer some sort of opinion on the topic.

"If he works there, he's either a boring suit or a carnie. Neither of which is really Louise-worthy. If he just loves it, then he needs a new hobby. And as far as I know, Mr. Fischoeder is nearly in his eighties." Now to see if she defended Mr. W…

"Even better. He'll be gone soon. More money for me." I was almost sure she was kidding but her lack of smile was slightly concerning. "Although this guy tried to describe himself as a younger and more handsome Brad Pitt." Oh my god, had I really said that? I couldn't stop myself from a wheezing laugh which made me have to catch my breath.

Unfortunately I think this made Louise feel like I was mocking her, or Mr. W and therefore her taste in men.

I tried to be lighthearted and make her laugh. "So probably not Fischoeder. Why are you talking to this whack-a-doo anyway?" C'mon little fishy. Take the bait. Tell me something.

Again, I went the wrong way. She started to yell at me. "Why did you sign me up for online dating but get all pissy when I talk to someone on here?" Wrong tack, Logan, wrong tack! She gave me a look that could peel paint.

Sadly, instead of being sincere I let my temper out. "Sor-ry Lulu. Didn't mean to be so critical of your one true love. I'll leave you alone." Then I got up and walked off back to work. Before I even made it to my office I was already kicking myself ten different ways. What an idiot!

About an hour later, I looked at the text chain Mr. W had with BurgerGal. They were playful, flirty, fun messages. And from what she said today she seemed to like Mr. W, right? Why did I have to poke at her that way? I should have known better.

She hadn't said anything to me since the fight, to either Logan or Mr. W. Since I figured she would ignore me as me, I reached out as my alter ego.

-You've been quiet BG-

A pause, then I saw the ellipsis of her typing. -Sorry Mr. W, been working. Trying to fight off a bad mood. Know any good jokes to cheer me up?-

I thought for a second and said -I've got a cheesy one.-

-Hit me-

-Why couldn't you hear the the Pterodactyl in the bathroom?-

-I don't know. Why?-

-Because the P is silent!-

She paused. I thought maybe she left the chat but then she said, -Wow… that was so bad.- I could just imagine her face. She smiled. I know she smiled.

-But you smiled, didn't you BG?-

Pause

-Yeah, I guess so. Thanks.-

Time to try some real conversation. -So why are you in a bad mood?-

-Got into it with a friend. I was bitchy, and I feel guilty about it. Too proud to just call and apologise . I'm a real winner huh?-

She was blaming herself and not me for losing my temper and being an ass? Damn.

-I'm sure it's worse in your head. Your friend probably wants to make amends too. Don't be too proud. Just say you're sorry. If they are your friend, they care about you.- My therapist had taught me a technique. Whenever I had a problem, I said what I would tell my best friend if they were in my situation and try to follow that advice. In this situation, I just happened to be talking to my best friend as well as myself.

-Thank you, Mr. W.-

That evening I went in for dinner and hopefully karaoke later if she wasn't still angry. Thankfully, it seemed I was right in my advice. She was as repentant as I was. We hugged and made up, then I sat and had a burger. I was just sitting around, waiting for them to close up so we could head next door when Zeke screamed out to Louise that he desperately needed ingredients. When he rattled off the list I felt he made up at least a third of those foods but Louise took quick notes and told me she would be back soon, because she had to head over to Fig Jam, the boutique organic grocer that was 90 parts pretention and 10 parts overpriced carrots.

She ducked out the front door but I grabbed my keys and followed her, snagging her hand and telling her to get in my car so it would be faster. Plus… well I didn't want her to go alone. I didn't want to wait and not spend that time with her. All I could think about was being with her, talking to her, sitting near her, kissing her… I wasn't thinking so much as I was feeling, and my feelings were in charge.

After we got there, Louise stared at her list as we walked inside. I glanced over her shoulder. "So what are we getting? I didn't understand half of what Zeke said."

"That's because he was in chef mode. When he's in the throes of culinary creativity, he asks for the wildest stuff. I learned a long time ago what he was talking about but it took a while. My dad is the same way; they get all wrapped up in experimenting, forgetting that nobody in this town has tastes like they do." She sighed affectionately. She really loved her funny family. "So, laver… laver… here's the laver." She pulled dried sheets of green something off the shelf.

"Looks like seaweed," I said.

"Ding-ding! Winner! It is." I chuckled. I knew she was wondering why her family couldn't just say seaweed. We wandered through the store, picking up jars of strange things and wedges of strange cheeses. She visibly cringed as she picked up one specific cheese.

"Gorgonzola? Really? You'll never get the restaurant smelling right again." My only experiment with Gorgonzola was when my mom made a very fancy cheese tray at a Christmas party one year and my dad and I threw the foul smelling solid milk and bacteria out the bathroom window and then buried it in the snow. Louise looked at me and smiled. She must have agreed with me about it. We both felt a genuinely happy moment without pressure or awkwardness and it was lovely.

But moments are fleeting and the asshat who ran Fig Jam had to open his big fat mouth. "Stop being so cute like that. Or at least take it out of my store before you throw down and tear each other's clothes off, sheesh." Oh he was asking for it. What a jerk! Louise looked offended. I was not going to stand for this.

"You mean you don't want us to jump up on this counter and have sex right here, in front of the German candy?" I tossed the basket to the floor with a sweeping gesture, as if I were clearing off a desk in a porno. I slapped my hands flat down in front of Ray and started having fun with this. Serves him right! "If I want to lift her up here, and have her wrap her legs around me, so that I can get a better look into her eyes as I tear off her apron and start kissing her chest-"

"Logan! Knock it off!" Louise handed Ray her business debit card to try to move this whole thing along, but she wasn't mad. In fact I think she was trying to hide laughter.

"No, Louise, if we want to make passionate love right here in the middle of the store, we are going to." Ray was 5 colors of red. I couldn't stop myself if I wanted to. "If I want to take my pants off and fling them over this register because I must have you now, I will!" She was biting her lips to keep from smiling. "If you wanted to get down on your knees-"

"And now we're leaving!" She gave me a Look and started pushing me towards the door, mortified but also chuckling to herself. I stopped us at the door, very wound up, feeling reckless, feeling brave, bursting with the need to know, unable to stop myself, all sense out of my mind.

"No! This man needs to be taught a lesson! When you love a woman, you can't be expected to keep it in your pants until you leave a public place! If you must have her, then you take her, right there in the store! If you are in love like we are, my darling," I looked into her eyes and took a chance, " then this-" and dipped her back into a kiss worthy of Casablanca, the kiss that Rudy tried but failed to imitate, the kiss I had been thinking about, dreaming about, for far too long. "Well, that just couldn't wait!" I then pulled her out of the store, half flying, half berating myself for such a foolish move.

I tried to play it off like I hadn't done that. "Did you see his face?" She was laughing along with me, seemingly as giggly and giddy as I felt. Of course, I had no idea if her brain was torn between appreciating a joke played on a stuffy hipster and reliving the feeling of that kiss over and over.

We giggled all the way back to the restaurant, dropped the fancy ingredients on the counter for Zeke and immediately went next door. Louise ordered tequila and I was most certainly in no place to argue with her. Neither of us said anything about it.