Hello everyone! Phew! I knew some would still be upset but I am glad that you are all still with me. I know it is sad to see Ashley gone, but sacrifices have to be made. Well, I am kind of pressed for time so I will keep this short. As usual, a big thank you to the readers/followers/favoriters and reviewers! I am always happy to hear from you guys and gals! Sorry if this chapter has mistakes, as I said, I am pressed for time. Oops...

Chapter 12

Liara paused at the entrance to the med-bay; John and Joker were sitting at the mess table, again. Entering she saw the doctor examining the lieutenant as he sat on the edge of the table. "Excuse me."

Kaidan waved his hand at her, "Don't worry about it." He watched her go into her office, Has she talked to Shepard yet? Has anyone?

"I am just finishing up anyway, Liara," Karin said, her attention never leaving the human. Her gloved fingers deftly probed his side, examining the wounds that were barely starting to heal, "You should be completely healed in two days, try not to do any heavy lifting and don't strain yourself with your biotics." She applied the new bandage and took a step back, "You're all set."

"Thank you, Doctor," he eased off the table and put his shirt back on. "Have you heard from Shepard? Seen her at all?"

Chakwas frowned, "No one has." She watched him nod and slowly turn to walk out the door. Soon after, she heard the door open again, "Oh, Tali, anything I can assist you with?"

"I actually came to talk to Liara, but also to see if anyone has seen Shepard."

"I'm afraid not, dear. But, Liara is in the office." The office door opened and Karin turned to the quarian again, "And Tali, if you girls can think of anything, let me know if I can help."

"Of course, Chakwas." Tali gave a weak smile behind her helmet and entered the office. "Liara, heard anything?"

She turned in her chair and motioned for Tali to take the adjacent one. "Nothing new. It has been a day and a half and no one has seen or heard from her. She must be taking Ashley's death pretty hard." Tali could only nod in agreement. "How is John doing? I saw him and Joker sitting at the table out there.

"He hasn't said much. I think he feels like he should have tried harder during Virmire. Other than that, I don't know what is really going through his mind. But I don't think he will start to feel better until she talks to him, assures him that there was nothing any of us could do."

"Has Garrus tried to speak with her? I haven't gone down to see him in a while," Liara said.

"I know he has tried. We have all been outside her door, waiting for it to turn green or for her to exit, and I have seen him there, but he always walks away like he wasn't. I have also seen him on his omni-tool a few times, checking it even when it doesn't go off."

"It would be kind of funny if the situation wasn't this awful," Liara grinned.

Tali chuckled slightly, "Yes. Maybe they will both realize it soon."

Their omni-tools began to beep and they both checked the message, John: Meet in the mess hall, ASAP. Looking up at each other, they shrugged and made their way out. Kaidan was sitting next to Joker, Chakwas at the end of the table, so, Tali sat next to John with Liara on her left. John was still typing on his omni-tool.

"We're still waiting on Wrex and Garrus," Joker said. He definitely wasn't his usual self; Ashley's death had shaken all of them. "Are they coming?" he said turning to John.

Closing his omni-tool, he looked up at everyone, "Yeah, they are on their way." No one said anything until the krogan and turian joined them, both opting to stand against the wall rather than sit. "I'm assuming no one has heard from Jane?" John asked and waited, but no one spoke up. "I say that we try to override the lock. Anyone else?"

"Tampering with an Alliance vessel? Can't you get in trouble for that?" Liara asked.

"Don't worry," Joker piped up, "We can get the engineers to hide it in the reports, make it seem like a malfunction that we fixed."

"Sounds good," Chakwas said, "Now, who has the ability to override her door?"

All heads turned to Tal. "Well," she rubbed her forearm, "I could give it a try." She stood up and could feel everyone's eyes follow her. Being put on the spot always made her feel extremely self-conscious. She could feel her enviro-suit begin to compensate for her sweaty palms. As she began her work, she realized the lock was not the standard Alliance code or anything close to it; it was something she had never seen before. Keelah, Shepard! Where did you learn this?

Garrus continued to stare at his feet. He could hear Tali's failed attempts as the sounds buzzed the denied access. He was very worried about Jane. She hadn't left her room, hadn't spoken to anyone whether it was through the door or a message. They hadn't even heard her moving around in her room. He knew that she needed time, but it had been a day and a half, she needed to talk to someone.

Tali was getting more and more frustrated. Every code she tried had failed. She was now down to piecing together codes she hadn't completely learned yet. Of course, they only resulted in more failures. "Keelah!" she threw her hands up, "I can't hack into it. I thought she was only a vanguard! Not an engineer."

"You can thank our dad for that. He was an engineer. Brilliant, too," John rubbed his neck.

"Then wouldn't you know how to break it?" Kaidan asked.

"I never planned on going into the Alliance, so I never bothered to learn skills like that."

"Garrus," Tali looked up at the turian, "can you try?"

He looked up at her and around the table and their worried faces, "Sure." Moving to Jane's door, he began trying his codes. Tali was an amazing engineer, and she knew a lot of electronics, but they had a different background, different lessons and circumstances to teach them what they knew. Garrus had been typing away and was now in the middle of his fifth attempt. He paused as he stared at the code he was entering, typing in the last lines, he heard the sound of an access denied. "Sorry, I have never seen this type of encryption. We will just have to wait for her. Let's just hope that by tomorrow morning she is her normal self."

"Damn," John sighed. "Should we have someone wait out here for her? Make sure she has gotten food?"

"If we wait out here for her, I am sure she will be less likely to leave," Wrex grumbled. "I say we give her space. Don't try to wait her out."

"Wrex is right," Chakwas said. "We really have no idea what she is doing or thinking in there. The more time we give her to think things through, the better."

"Yeah, I mean, making that kind of call?" Joker adjusted his hat, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, I don't know if I could have done it."

"Let's hope that none of us have to, ever. Especially for Shepard," Alenko muttered.

"John?" Tali called out as she entered the gym. She never really came in here much, she had almost forgotten where it was. Looking around, she found him on the treadmill, his speed much faster than what she thought a regular training would be. "John," she said again, approaching him.

Looking to the side, he faltered in his step and had to catch the handrails to lift himself off the track before he went flying off the back. "Tali!" he turned off the machine and stepped off to the side, plopping down onto the floor.

Tali noticed his legs had started to falter when he had stepped down, "How long were you on that?"

"Um…" John looked up at her sheepishly, "probably longer than I should have been. I would prefer to spar but Garrus turned me down, and of course Jane isn't available."

"Sorry that I can't be of more assistance," Tali crossed her arms, holding onto her elbows.

John patted the floor next to him and waited for Tali to sit, "You're here. That's enough." Propping his arms on his knees, he took a deep breath trying to steady his rapid breathing.

"What's going on with you, John? What's going on in your head?"

"Don't worry, not too much," John forced a smile. He could almost feel Tali roll her eyes at him. "I'm okay. Just worried about Jane," he said quietly. "I… I keep feeling like I should have done more. I shouldn't have listened to Jane and I should have gone after Ashley. Why wouldn't Jane let me go up to the tower after them?"

John never raised his gaze to look at her. She could see his torment through his body, his regret; he needed Jane to talk him out of this, but she was unavailable because she needed someone to talk her down but she wouldn't allow anyone close enough. "John, it wasn't your fault, and it wasn't Jane's fault. Can you really blame her for not sending you after Ashley and Kirrahe's men? If you were in her position, could you so willingly send her by herself, or with one other person, a friend too, to rescue someone when there was barely enough time to rescue one team, let alone not knowing what you would be sending them into? What if you weren't able to do it by yourself or in a pair? If Jane had let you go, you could have died with Ashley. Jane would have lost you," Tali placed her hand on John's arm, "We could have lost you."

He lowered his head, sighing, and placed a hand on hers, "I know. There just should have been more time. I keep wondering 'what if'. What if I had gone to help Ashley? What if we were faster? What if Kaidan hadn't set the nuke when he did…" He shook his head and removed his hand from Tali's and hers fell back to her lap. "I'm just so worried about Jane. I know this is destroying her and that she probably feels like she is responsible. I just wish I could take some of the blame off of her."

"I'm sure Shepard will work through it in her own way, but if she does need our help, we need to be strong for her, too. She is the one who made the choice." She watched as he nodded slowly and leaned back against the wall. "Anything I can do for you?"

"Nah, thanks, Tali," John smiled at her. "Sorry… sorry I have been a little… not myself."

"We are all a little different now, John. Time has a funny way of changing people."

He lay awake staring at the wall. He knew that he wouldn't get much sleep, again. Rolling out from his cot, Garrus rubbed the top of his fringe. He checked the time, 0300. Should be a safe enough time to try it. Easing out of the bed, he eyed his wardrobe, he decided that his pants would do but he did need to put on a shirt. As soon as he slipped it on, he got up and snuck out of the room.

Making his way through the Normandy, he didn't see another soul as he went towards the mess area. Even the lights in the med-bay were out. Perfect.

Moving closer to Shepard's door, he leaned his head against it, trying to pick up any sort of noise. He couldn't hear anything but she could be asleep or in her bathroom, for all he knew. Linking his omni-tool to the door, he began to type in the code from before, only this time, finishing it correctly. It took a few more lines of code to break the encryption but soon the door opened. Checking behind himself, he slipped inside, locking the door behind him.

"Shepard?" there was no answer and she was nowhere in sight. "Jane?" again, no response. Moving around her room, he found the bathroom door open and heard her breathing. He peeked around the corner and found Jane clutching the edge of the sink staring into the mirror.

Jane continued to look at herself, oblivious to her guest, How could I do that to them? It wasn't right. Should I have let John and Garrus or Wrex go retrieve her? Would there have been enough time for them to meet us at the rendezvous point and then we could be following after Saren right now. Could I have risked losing one or even two more people? My own brother? Ugh, how can I face my crew when I feel like I made such a terrible decision? How can they respect me? She ran a hand over her braided hair, still a little damp, but at least she had gotten the motivation to shower. The next step would be actually dressing, so far she had only managed as far as her sports bra and a pair of shorts. Her fingers traced over her bruised neck, discolored from Saren's hand. She sighed and rolled her neck, staring into the drain as she leaned against the sink.

Garrus watched her hang her head. She was tormented. He saw the beautiful tattoos decorating her body and realized that she would be adding more flowers, and it broke his heart. "Jane."

She practically jumped out of her skin at the sound of the voice behind her. Spinning around and looking at her visitor, she was thankful that she hadn't cried, that she had managed to hold herself together since Virmire. "Garrus… how the hell did you get in here?" she leaned back against the sink, her hands going behind to hold onto it again.

"Your encryption was impressive. I wouldn't have been able to crack it if my father hadn't worked with a similar coding."

"Only a handful of people can crack that. My father invented it," she said flatly. "If you knew how to do it, why didn't you just open the door today? I heard you guys trying."

"Yesterday," he corrected and leaned in the doorframe, "I figured that you wouldn't want all of us barging in on you. None of us knew what state of mind you are in. I wanted to… recon the situation, so to speak."

"Then I guess a 'thanks' is in order. I don't know if I can face everyone right now." She folded her arms over herself, rubbing her elbow. She looked down again, refusing to meet his gaze.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"No, I'm fine."

Garrus nodded at first, but then an idea came to him, "You know, I was told once, that 'fine' stood for 'freaked-out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional'."

She huffed out a laugh and looked up at him, "I know I didn't say that to you… so where did you hear it?"

"John told me, and he said it is from a movie you showed him."

"It is. Um… since you are here, how about we sit down? Out there. So we aren't hanging out in my bathroom. And I should probably cover up a little more."

Garrus nodded and sat down at the table while she put on a tank top, the one with the N7 logo that she wore when working out. When she joined him at the table, she pulled her legs up to her chest to rest her head on her knees, staring at the table. They didn't speak for several moments and Garrus let her sit in silence; she would speak when she had warmed up to him being there.

"Am I a terrible person?" she asked quietly, still looking at the table.

Her question caught him by surprise, "Of course not. Why would you think that?"

"I let them all die. Ashley, Kirrahe and his men. I chose to let them die down there. Did I make the wrong choice in defending the bomb and extracting Kaidan and the other Normandy crew? Am I that selfish?"

"First of all, there is no right or wrong choice. We all know it wasn't an easy choice for you. Spirits, none of us could imagine making that decision. Look, all of us knew the risks, including Ashley, Kirrahe and his men. You don't join the military or combat situations with the naïve assumption that you can't get hurt or killed. But tell me, what made you choose Alenko?"

"I didn't choose Kaidan," Jane said indignantly. "I chose the mission. That bomb had to be protected."

"Didn't Kirrahe say that there wasn't much that could stop that nuke once it was set?" it pained him to remind her of this, but he had to get her to talk through her decision.

"Yes, but what if the geth knew how to stop it? They are AI. If Kaidan and the other Normandy crew couldn't hold off the geth and they knew how to turn off the bomb… where would that have left us? If that facility had remained standing, we wouldn't have a chance in defeating Saren and all of our work would have been for naught."

"Exactly."

Jane tensed to argue with him but relaxed when she realized what he had said. Sighing, she gave a half smile to her friend, "Thanks, Garrus, but I still feel terrible for leaving all of them. I just… I wish it had just been me."

"I know," he said quietly, "but where would that leave us? We need you, Shepard. All of us. Everyone looks to you and we would all follow you into hell."

"That's a nice sentiment, big guy… let's hope that we never have to test that theory… at least not more than once."

"Knowing you, Jane, I wouldn't be surprised if hell came around twice or even three times."

Jane chuckled and let out another sigh. "Ashley told me that she wouldn't mind dying for the Alliance, as long as it was a cause she believed in… It is almost like she knew it might happen." Jane had a faraway look in her eyes before turning back to Garrus, "Have you even given any thought about how you might die?"

Leaning back in the chair, he thought for a moment, "Maybe go out with a bang, making a name for myself, leaving a mark in some way. You?"

"That's not bad. I guess, protecting those that I love. As long as they make it out safe."

"I have to agree with that one. Maybe I will add yours onto mine," he laughed.

"Then I guess I will steal yours, too," she smiled.

"Now," Garrus tapped a talon on the table near her, "When did you last eat?" he watched her look away from him as she bit her lip, "Shepard…"

"I just…" she looked at him and chuckled, "Don't give me that look. I just haven't had an appetite for, anything really."

He looked at her thoughtfully, "Then how about something you haven't had before?"

Quirking an eyebrow up, she leaned back, "Like?"

"Like dextro-food. If you can deal with it."

"I already told you," she leaned forward, "I can take anything you send my way."

"Well, I was thinking more of biology not agreeing. Did the food the other night make you sick?"

"Not at all."

"Then come on," he stood up and motioned for her to follow. When she didn't get up, he gave her a hard gaze, "Don't make me drag you out of here."

"Garrus," she said quietly, "I appreciate you trying to help, but I can't face the crew like this. I haven't eaten or slept."

"No one is awake," he watched her turn to look at a clock and saw her shocked expression, "Yes, almost 0400. Let's go."

Jane grumbled but stood up, walking out of her room with Garrus at her side. He had helped comfort her, but she missed being able to be close to someone. All she wanted was a simple thing, a hug, but she was pretty sure that turians didn't hug. Sitting up on the counter, she watched in silence as he put together a small, simple meal for them to share. Her senses weren't able to give her any insight to what the food might be like. It looked a little strange, but not unappetizing, and the scent wasn't registering as anything in particular, yet.

Putting the food on a plate, he escorted her back to her quarters and they sat down at the table together, with the plate between them. He took the first piece, pinching it between his talons and putting his head back, swallowing the piece whole. Looking at Jane again, he flared his mandibles in a grin, "Too scared, Shepard?"

"Hardly, Vakarian, but I don't have to eat like you, do I?"

"Turian teeth aren't meant for chewing, more tearing." Jane gingerly picked up a piece of food and inspected it. She bit off a small piece of it and chewed it thoughtfully. "So, what do you think?" he asked.

She realized that her taste buds didn't know what was going on. Her body was confused with the food that it was getting, but it wasn't ready to reject the contents. Cautiously, she took another bite and her body seemed to be more accepting this time. There wasn't much of one at first, but the more she ate, the more flavor that came to her, and the taste was beginning to grow on her. Finishing another piece, she grinned at the turian, "Didn't realize you could cook, big guy."

"Heh, I do alright. No adverse effects so far?"

"I don't think my digestive system has made up its mind on what is going on."

"Maybe with some time, it could get used to it." Spirits, Vakarian. What are you suggesting? This is your commanding officer, show some respect.

"Maybe," Jane smiled, "But I would feel bad eating yours and Tali's food."

Garrus shrugged, "Next time you stock up on provisions, you will just have to adjust for three dextros… well, maybe two and a half. That is, of course, if this food doesn't mess up your digestion and you actually get nourishment from it."

"Only time will tell, I guess… and I might want to check in with Chakwas about it too."

"Might not be a bad idea."

They continued to eat in silence, stealing glances at one another with shy smiles. With only a few pieces left, Jane looked up at Garrus, "Thank you."

He shrugged, "It's no big deal, just dinner… or breakfast, at this point."

"No, not that," propping her elbow on the table, she leaned her head against her hand and looked up at him. "Thanks for taking the time to talk to me and to just be here."

"Of course. Always here to be a friendly face, someone to talk to if you need it." She smiled at him and looked down. He watched her run her hand over her fringe and pull the length of it over her shoulder to play with the end of it. Her fingers twisted in the strands, her eyes staring into the table at nothing. Looking at her hands again, his eyes drifted up to her neck and he saw the dark blue and purple markings on her neck. He leaned to the side and saw the red scratches at the back of her neck. Without thinking, he reached forward and ran the back of his talon along the side of her neck. She flinched away with a slightly pained expression. "I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?"

"No… well… I mean, it does hurt but it is from the bruise, not what you did." She looked up at him and saw that he seemed to be confused. "Oh, right, turians have plates. You probably don't really have the same thing. Um… it happens from blood vessels rupturing beneath the skin causing the discoloration. So of course, the area is a little tender."

"Yes, thankfully our plates prevent most contusions." He continued to study the marks and realized that his hand could have matched up with the marks, "Those are from when Saren grabbed you."

Jane nodded, "I think his talons got me a little too." She ran her fingertips over the back of her neck, feeling the small ridges of the scratches.

"You should see Chakwas."

"I'll be alright. The bruising will fade."

"So, do turian talons scare you now?" Oh, that was in bad taste… he thought.

She smirked and grabbed his hand, her fingertips tracing over the talons. "Depends on who the talons belong to," her expression softened and she looked up at him. Jane leaned forward a little, her breath hitching. Oh my God, Jane. Get a hold of yourself. She dropped his hand and backed away, her mouth open slightly as she sighed in exasperation. "Um… it is late… or early, I guess. I should let you go. Thanks for breaking in, I guess."

Garrus wasn't sure what was going on in her head but he missed the feel of her fingers. "You're right. I should let you go to sleep." He saw Jane look away from him, "You are going to sleep, right?"

"Um… I will try but… I doubt it."

"How about I stick around then? If I am not imposing."

I want him to stay, but is it asking too much? "Sure. What do you want to do?"

"How about watching that movie the 'fine' line is from. Keep things calm and relaxing."

"Sounds good, Garrus."

Joker sat down in the pilot's chair, wincing at the protest in his limbs. With all this technology, you would think we would understand how to fix my damn bones. He sighed and spun slowly in his chair. Technically there wasn't anything for him to do. Jane hadn't given him a destination before she went recluse, so he resorted to sitting in his chair for the first few hours until he would eventually give up on getting an order and would hang out with John or Kaidan. He could hear footsteps coming up behind him and turned to see John coming down the walkway.

"Still no word, huh?" John asked as he sat in the co-pilot's chair. At Joker's silent nod, he sighed. "She's going on two days now. Does she even have food in there?"

"To my knowledge, no."

"Do you think she is sneaking out at night and eating?"

"It's possible," Joker leaned back in his chair then abruptly sat up. "Hold on. I think I can check on that. Access the entrance logs."

That peaked John's interest, "I thought those only recorded who came and left from the Normandy."

"They do, but when a door that is typically open is then locked on the Normandy, it tracks when that door is accessed. Kind of a way to keep track if an area is being accessed without permission." He was quiet until a small list came up, each one titled with an area of the ship. Pulling up Shepard's quarters he began to read through the information.

"What are all these lines saying? It looks like jibberish."

Joker pointed at the top of the list, "Those lines are the code from when Jane first programmed the lock in. These are her updates or checks to it."

"Would those help us unlock it?"

"No. Our system can't work backwards on her encryption, I'm sure." Joker scrolled through the list, "Damn, here is where we started working on it yesterday. So, that means she didn't leave by the time we started trying to get in."

John rubbed his neck and closed his eyes. "She hasn't eaten this entire time. Something is seriously wron –"

"Wait a second…" Joker huffed out a short laugh and shook his head. "The door was unlocked last night."

"What!" John leapt out of his seat and looked at where Joker was pointing on the screen.

"Yeah, looks like someone knew how to break her lock. So… let's see here. Person went in, person left, person went in… interesting. Whoever it is, is still – " Joker was interrupted by the alert on his computer. The message popped up large enough for John to read it too, Joker, set a course for the Citadel. Time to track Saren down for good. – Shepard. "Looks like she is back!" Joker typed away on the console, firing up the engines and plotting the course. "See? I told you not to worry about her, John."

"Whatever, Joker. Alright, I am going to get back to my post. She will probably be making her rounds soon," John jumped out of the chair and walked quickly down the hallway.

"Wait! You don't have a post!" Joker called.

"Yes I do! The engine room!"

"Flirting with Tali isn't a post!" Joker smiled as John turned the corner and went out of sight. Pulling up the list again, he looked at Jane's door. Looking at the codes again, he thought, Huh, it is still locked… That means that her visitor hasn't left yet. Who the hell could be… ohhhh… that scaly bastard.

Jane closed her omni-tool and looked up at her ceiling. I was so stupid, so immature. I should have been stronger. I shouldn't have let myself fall apart like that. Turning her head, she looked at the sleeping turian next to her; he was on his side and looking so very peaceful. He had helped her again and even though she didn't get a lot of sleep, she felt a little more refreshed and knew that if he hadn't been with her, she wouldn't have slept at all.

She sighed as she thought back on the early hours of the morning. Garrus had put up with her moment of weakness but had never made any mention of it, just let her speak in her own time. She had still been wide awake by the time they put on The Italian Job, and they had both stayed up for the entirety of the movie. She remembered them talking for a little while after that but couldn't place when they had both fallen asleep.

Reopening her omni-tool, she typed another message and sent it to the crew, alerting them that rounds would take place at 1500 hours. She turned on her side to face him again. At least, while he was asleep, she could pretend that he cared for her like she did for him. Cautiously raising her hand, it hovered over the side of his face. She wanted to touch him, see what his plates felt like against her skin, but she dropped her hand. You are too different, Jane. He doesn't want some soft human. He wants another turian. Someone that isn't as breakable and weak as you. She sighed softly and touched his talon, knowing that wouldn't be overstepping a line. His hand twitched at her touch, almost seeming to reach for her hand… but that would be wishful thinking. Sighing, she tucked her hands under her pillow and went back to sleep.