Hello, everyone! So I didn't get my hand crushed by any tortoises this time! But... my other hand did get bitten by a snake... a burmese python... that is 13 feet long... so yeah. Anyway! Hope you guys enjoy the chapter. I won't keep you with this intro. And a big thank you to CordovanLily for your suggestion of John's middle name and Jane's will soon be revealed. If anyone would like to suggest any other names feel free! Thank you all for reading/following/favoriting and reviewing.

Chapter 38

No words were said as the shuttle landed in front of them. Jane stood with her arms crossed tightly over her chest, flanked by both of her team mates. She wasn't going to give this miserable planet one more look and she did something she normally wouldn't: she entered the shuttle first.

Jack was about to board next but walked into Garrus's arm. She looked up at the turian with a glare. "Excuse me."

"Shepard wouldn't be too happy with what you did to Alenko."

She opened her mouth to argue but he continued.

"That being said, good work."

She smiled as he lowered his arm to her and allowed her to pass. Jack gave him a small nod in thanks.

Garrus sat next to Jane on the shuttle, but it was clear that she wasn't in the mood to say anything. Her hands were folded regally in her lap, her eyes cast down, her breathing even but was otherwise motionless.

Overall, it was an awkward ride back to the Normandy.

The shuttle docked in the cargo bay and Jane stood, and without glancing at her crew said, "You two are both dismissed. Good work down there." As soon as she finished her sentence, an announcement sounded through the room.

"Commander Shepard," Joker said, "Your presence is requested in the comm-room."

She didn't need to ask what it was about, she knew who was trying to talk to her: the Illusive Man. She finally looked at Jack and Garrus, gave them a nod and exited. Every step sent another thought through her head. She needed some time alone. She needed to rethink everything. To finally let go. But she didn't have that luxury at the moment. Why? Why is there never any time for me to catch a break?

Jack gripped her seat as she waited for Garrus to exit and a few moments more to be sure everyone had gone about their business. Her first real mission. A mission not fueled by hate or greed or power. But one for what was right. She had just completed it, and she hadn't fucked it up. It was a different feeling. She was on a weird high and didn't want to crawl back down to her hole in the ship just yet.

Why do I want to socialize? I feel dirty… she stuck out her tongue "Bleh… Gross." She stood up and started wandering through the ship, soon realizing that she was heading for the cockpit. She walked in and plopped down into the co-pilot's chair.

"Can I help you?"

"Nope."

"So, is this going to be a regular thing?"

"You would like that, wouldn't you?"

Joker huffed out a laugh. They sat in silence for a moment longer before he couldn't keep his mouth shut anymore. "So, seems like you did well down there. Feel all warm and fuzzy?"

"I don't ever feel warm and fuzzy, unless I'm wasted. And even then I'm still a cold hearted bitch."

"I wouldn't expect anything less."

Jack bounced her foot, staring at the pilot, "Why are you back up here? Shepard seemed pretty pissed you were out of med-bay when you called on the radio."

"Eh, she'll get over it. I didn't feel right being down there when she was on mission. If something were to happen and she needed my expert flying skills I wouldn't quite be able to run up here."

"I'm so glad you're humble."

"It's a struggle."

Jack smirked as she stretched over the arm of the chair letting her head dangle. "Did you know that Alenko guy?"

"Yeah," he said quietly. "I mean, we weren't super close, but we were friends."

"What's the story?"

"I kind of inadvertently set him and Shepard up before we were all a crew. They definitely had a connection but Jane backed off. If we had never seen him again, I don't think he would have been that attached. Jane told me once that she had said to him that if they met again, it was meant to be but she never thought she would see him again. Neither of us did. I was just trying to get her laid," he shook his head. "And why the hell am I telling you all of this?"

"Because I just have one of those trusting faces," she smiled.

"This coming from a convict." He shrugged, he had already told her a lot, he figured he might as well finish it, "I don't really understand why Alenko was so attached but he eventually started picking up on the attraction between Shepard and Garrus. I know she and Alenko had a little bit of a falling out but they seemed to be patching things up after the Citadel battle. When she died, we all took her death pretty hard. Garrus and John the most but maybe Kaidan took it harder than I thought. I can only assume that because they were becoming better friends he had started to fall for her again and then finding out she was alive again must have made him a little, you know," he twirled his finger around at his temple.

"I'm not a stranger to snapping at people but trying to make someone feel bad for getting a second chance at life seems pretty low." She fell quiet as she heard footsteps approaching.

It wasn't long before she found herself in the comm-room, the hologram soon filling the space around her. Her head was still hung slightly when the Illusive Man materialized in front of her.

"Shepard, good work on Horizon," he tapped his cigarette. Something seems to have shaken her. It must have been the former team mate. That could play to our advantage… "Hopefully the Collectors will think twice before attacking another colony."

"It's not a victory. We interrupted the Collectors but they still abducted half the colony," Jane snapped. How could he be so happy when they had still lost so many?

"That's better than an entire colony. And more than we've accomplished since the abductions began. The Collectors will be more careful now. But I think we can find another way to lure them in."

Jane crossed her arms, "Kaidan said the Alliance got a tip about me and Cerberus. Was that you?"

The Illusive Man took a drag from his cigarette. "I may have let it slip that you were alive. And with Cerberus."

"You risked the lives of my friend, my crew, and that entire colony. Just to lure the Collectors there?"

"A calculated risk. I suspected the Collectors were looking for you or people connected to you. Now I know for certain. I told you I wouldn't sit and wait while the Reapers and Collectors gather strength. Besides, they would have hit another colony eventually and without a way to predict which one, they would have abducted everyone."

Jane gave a single shake of her head. She didn't like his methods, but in a way, he was right. "We have to make sure they don't abduct anyone else."

"I want the Collectors stopped for that very reason. That's why we're doing this, Shepard. I'm devoting all resources to finding a way through the Omega 4 Relay. We have to hit them where they live. Your team will need to be strong; as will their resolve. There's no looking back." He paused and seemed to stare into her soul, "The same goes for you. Can I assume you've put your past relationships behind you?" he asked before taking a pull on his cigarette.

"None of your damn business."

"If it affects the mission, better you should leave it behind. Shepard, once you find a way through the Omega 4 Relay to the Collector home world, there's no guarantee you'll return. To have any hope of surviving, you and your team must be fully committed to this."

"Let me worry about them. You just find us a way to the Collector homeworld."

"I just want to be upfront about your odds. You'll need everyone at their best. I've forwarded three more dossiers. Keep building your team while I find a way through the relay. And be careful, Shepard, the Collectors will be watching you."

The hologram faded around her and Jane let out a sigh, frustrated at everything that was happening. It seemed like her life hadn't slowed down since she woke up and she could feel it taking a toll on her. Placing her hands on her waist, she took a deep breath and started to turn around. She stopped short when she saw Jacob standing at the door; she never even heard him enter. "Jacob?" she dropped her hands to her side.

"I guess we're really gonna do it. Hit the Omega 4 Relay. Take the fight to the Collectors in person. Lookin' forward to the action. After seeing what those bastards did on Horizon though, makes you think."

"They're powerful, but we've got a few tricks for them. If anyone can stop them, we can."

"No argument there, Commander," he hung his head, "Horizon just made it hit home. What we're doing, what we're up against… gonna go take care of a little unfinished business. I imagine everyone else is too. Gettin' some... closure, you know."

Jane nodded in understanding, "Just let me know what I can do to help."

"Thanks, Commander. What about you? You have anything you need to take care of?" once the words were out of his mouth, he knew it was overstepping a line.

"I think two years already took care of that for me. Those that I have run into from my past don't seem too pleased to see me again. It might be best if I don't stir anything else up. In case things go badly for me, it will be better if I just fade away again. Let those that did see me only think I was a mirage."

"I'm sorry, Commander, I shouldn't have…"

"It's alright," she smiled. He nodded to her and Jane's smile faded as soon as the door shut behind him. She stood alone in the room for a few moments, the silence engulfing her. How was she supposed to achieve everything that was expected of her? She stared at the wall, her eyes roaming along the entire room before falling on the wall across from her. Jane exhaled, not realizing she had been holding her breath. Touching the wall, she wished everything had been the same; she never would have guessed that she would have been wishing for a life that she didn't want in the beginning.

Her breath started to become labored and panicked. Jane brought her hand to her chest as she started to fall to her knees, the weight of her stress falling heavily on her. Bracing another hand on the wall, she pushed away her thoughts as she tried to regain control over her body.

"Commander Shepard," EDI's hologram popped up just as Jane was straightening herself, "do you need me to call assistance?"

"No, EDI," Jane choked out. "I'm fine. Thank you."

"Commander, I suggest that you at least –"

"No!" Jane squeezed her eyes tightly as she suppressed her feelings once again. "No, EDI, thank you. I'm fine." Taking a deep breath, she held it for a few seconds before exhaling, straightened her uniform and exited. She had to check on Joker.

Jane had barely made it through the CIC before hearing Kelly call out to her.

"Commander Shepard!" Kelly waited until Shepard was closer before continuing, "I saw the reports on Horizon. What you did was… amazing!" The momentary pause in Kelly's voice made Jane tense; the movement was not lost on the yeoman. "The report mentioned that Kaidan Alenko was there. How did that go?"

Shepard didn't really know how to answer the woman's question, and didn't particularly feel like reopening that wound, "It was good to see him."

"Do you have strong feelings for him?"

"Where is this questioning coming from, Kelly?"

"I'm sorry. Parting ways with someone so close is never easy."

Jane narrowed her eyes, trying to understand what Chambers was trying to get her to say, "I appreciate that, but I'll be okay."

"Anyway, sorry, again. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Is there anything I should know?"

"You have unread messages at your terminal. Operative Lawson would like to see you at her station on the crew deck. Operative Taylor would like to see you in the armory."

"Thank you," Jane nodded to her and continued to make her way to the cockpit. The rest of the crew didn't seem to act any differently than before. Reaching the cockpit, she leaned against the doorway, "Am I interrupting something?" Jane smiled as she looked between Joker and Jack.

Jack grinned at Shepard as she sat with her legs stretched over the armrest, "Not at all. Just keeping Joker company until you got up here."

Joker looked up at Jane, "Help… me…" he said with his eyes slightly bugged out. He saw Jack swat at him. Dropping his act, he looked at her, "Really? You were going to hit a guy with brittle bone disease? That's criminal." Both women rolled their eyes as Joker guffawed.

"I'm sure you guys want to talk, I'll be heading back to my part of the ship," Jack said swinging her legs over the chair to jump up. "See you bitches later."

Joker watched the woman leave and once she was out of sight he turned his attention back to Jane. "So, it was pretty intense down there."

"No, we're not talking about me right now," Jane took the co-pilot's chair, where Jack had been.

"That's where you're wrong. You see, I started the conversation, and it was about you and that issue," he nodded slowly hinting at Kaidan, "so we are, in fact, talking about you." He sat silent, looking into Jane's stare. He tapped his fingers, he could never last long against Jane's stare, "Fine! What?!"

"What are you doing in the cockpit? You should be in the med-bay. There is no way you are healed."

"True, but since I am the pilot and Cerberus gave me this really – and I mean REALLY – comfy chair, I can do my healing up here. It's not that serious." He saw her look away and knew what she was thinking. "It wasn't your fault. Stop beating yourself up about it." She feigned a smile and waited a few moments for her to get comfortable enough to talk about Horizon.

"Do you think that I owe Cerberus anything?"

"Technically, maybe yes but mostly no. You are your own person and they knew the risk bringing you back. I'm not sure if you are aware but you haven't always been the most predictable person." He paused. "But… are the interests currently aligned? Kind of."

"I don't deserve this second chance."

"You know that is bullshit. You did so much for this galaxy and they gave you a pat on the back before kicking you back out the door. Even if you don't think that makes you deserving enough for a second chance, you are heading out on a suicide mission. Do we need to consult a dictionary on what 'suicide' means?" he smiled hoping he had made a dent even though he knew there was a small chance he did. Joker knew that what Kaidan had said cut into her, deeply, especially after being pushed away by so many others that had known her. Several moments had passed and she still hadn't said anything, "Jane?"

"Try to stay safe up here, Joker. Enjoy your comfy chair."

"I will. And, Shepard," he called after her as she made her way for the door. She stopped, placing a hand on the frame and barely looked over her shoulder, "get checked out by Chakwas, get something to eat, and go to sleep. Please." He knew that she wouldn't answer; he only hoped that she would listen to him.

Kaidan patrolled through the halls, checking into the rooms that held the few survivors from Horizon that had agreed to leave the colony. He had tried to convince the others but they all blamed the Alliance for the attack and now that the guns were up, didn't want to leave their homes. No one spoke. Most didn't know all of the details and some had no idea what had even happened, but one thing was clear: they had all just skirted death and many had lost those closest to them. Reaching the end of his rounds, Kaidan went to find the captain, or at least the executive officer.

"Alenko, right?" a voice said to his left. "I am here to relieve you. XO Winnefred sent me and said you should take a rest in the cabins."

"I was wondering if I could send a few messages and make a call. You know, let my family know I'm alright."

"Uh, of course, I think the port side message room is free."

"Thank you," he didn't bother checking over the remaining colonists. They had never appreciated him anyway and now he had no patience for them, his mind was preoccupied. Making his way into the room, he was glad to see it was empty. He had already made his report to Admiral Hackett and Councilor Anderson; now there were only two things left.

As he opened the message, he could only type two words before having to stop and cover his face to hid the anguish as if she could see it, 'Dear Jane'. He knew he had been too hard on her, too hateful, too bitter. But he had been hurt. How many times had he asked himself if things would be different if he had gone to help her extract the last of the crew on the Normandy? He had let her die. He had lived instead of her. He had battled with himself and his survivor's guilt ever since that dreadful day. And yet… she had been alive. And all this time? Why hadn't she contacted him? Why had no one told him what was going on? Did she fake her death to escape a life she didn't want? Had she run away to live with Garrus in secret, only to return when they had been discovered and possibly blackmailed into it?

No. I have to stop thinking like that. She had said things weren't like that with Garrus. But… that's if I can believe her. He shook his head, What am I thinking?! Of course I can believe her!

Finally, he sent the message to her. Next, would come as a possibly even harder task, mainly because he barely knew who he was about to talk to yet it needed to be done. He typed in the ship that he wanted to connect to and waited.

"Ma'am, we have a Commander Kaidan Alenko wishing to speak with you."

"Alenko?" she asked, puzzled. "I think I recognize the name but I'm not placing him. What vessel is he assigned to?"

"None. Officially, he was part of an outreach program to a colony. He is now enroute to the Citadel."

"Very well, I will take the call in the communications room."

"Yes, Captain Shepard."

Hannah stepped down from her command post and headed towards the communications room. Why wasn't a face coming to her but the name sounded familiar? Perhaps once I see his face, it will come back to me, she thought. She stood in front of the camera, readjusted her uniform, and ran a hand over her hair, double checking her already perfect appearance. Pressing the connection key, she was taken aback by the face she was looking at, "Commander Alenko," she paused, "what a surprise to be speaking with you." One of Jane's old crew, I haven't spoken to any of them since the memorial, barely even John.

"Yes, ma'am."

So formal. I knew I always liked this young man. She held in a heavy sigh. If things had been different, who knows, maybe Jane could have grown to like what I had always envisioned for her. And Kaidan would have been perfect. She blinked a few times, trying to forget what she had just been thinking, Why am I even going there? Why do I continue to think… think like she is still here? "So, Commander Alenko, I believe you were a lieutenant last time we met."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Well, congratulations, young man," she paused. "I'm sorry, you must have wanted to talk to me about something before I went off on my tangent. Forgive me."

"No need to apologize, Captain Shepard," he hesitated, taking a moment to stare at the ground and collect his thoughts. "Ma'am, what I have to say… well, it is going to come as a bit of a shock. And, frankly, you're not going to like it or maybe even believe me."

Hannah Shepard's voice became very stern, "Commander Alenko, tell me what you need to say."

He looked the woman in the eye, "Ma'am, your daughter, my previous commander… is alive. I just spoke to her. Saw her in the flesh. Jane is back." Kaidan watched as a mixture of emotions crossed the woman's face: anger, pain, sadness, disbelief. No matter which she felt strongest, he knew that she believed him.

She subtly grabbed the railing in front of her. How could it be true? It couldn't, but there was that small bit of hope that she had always held onto and she clung to Alenko's words. "How… how is that possible?"

"I don't know all the details but I just thought that you deserved to know."

"Thank you, Commander. Is there…" she held back her tears, "Is there anything else?"

Kaidan looked down again, "Unfortunately, yes, there is. She is working for Cerberus."

John sat down at the desk in his hotel room. Until he got another assignment, he was laying low on the Citadel. He thought about going to the bar but he was a little worried about falling into old habits. So, instead, he was going to nap most of his day away and hope that someone would want to contact him.

As if on cue, his console alerted him to a new message. He sat upright in excitement smacking his fingers on the desk. "Gah!" he shouted as he tried to shake the pain away. Opening the message, he groaned. "Yes, I wanted to talk to someone, but not you, Mom…" he muttered to himself.

John, I need to speak with you. As soon as possible. – Mom

He thought about ignoring it. That was the beauty of the system with Cerberus, only those in the company had the ability to directly connect to him. All others had to send a message and wait for him to contact them. So, again, he thought of ignoring her but figured he would give his mother a break this time around. It had been a really long time since they had spoken.

Sending out the request for direct contact, he waited. It took a surprisingly short amount of time for her to pop up on screen. Damn, she must have been waiting at her console. "Hello, Mom, what's with the ur… gen… cy…? Mom?... Have you been crying?"

"John," she choked out, "Your sister is alive. Jane's alive," she said with a smile.

John sat in silence, his mouth slightly agape. "Ugh… how… how do you know?" Did jane actually decide to tell her? Did the Alliance? Was it Cerberus?

"I know that I shouldn't be getting my hopes up, but Commander Alenko sounded so sure."

"Wait… Alenko? You mean Kaidan Alenko?"

"Yes, he was the one who saw her. She's alive, John. I never wanted to believe in hope but I can't help it. I need to contact her." She began to really focus on her son's face. "You aren't saying anything. You don't believe that she's alive." She saw him open his mouth, "John, please don't lecture me about how hopeless it is to believe in this story."

"It's not that…" Shit, should I just tell her? "I just feel like Jane would have wanted to contact you herself rather than have someone else speaking for her."

Her face fell, "That is the bad part… It's being reported that she is working for Cerberus. It makes me worried that she isn't the same or that she is being coerced."

John cringed. He didn't want their mom to think of Jane in a bad light, ever; he would always take that hit for his sister, "Maybe it's not what you think, Mom. I think speaking to her would be the best thing before you try to fill in the blanks."

Hannah paused, studying her son, "John Alexander Shepard… You know more than you are letting on. You knew that she was alive!" she exploded, "Why didn't you tell me, John?! How could you?! How could you let me go through all that grief?! How could you both have gone two years without letting me know that she was alive?!"

"Mom, no… it's not like that," his mind struggled to find a good way to explain, "She wasn't technically alive… the entire two years." Her look made him cringe.

"What are you saying, John?"

"Jane was dead. Cerberus brought her back and more or less, rebuilt her," it pained him to tell her but he needed to be honest with her; he knew she wouldn't accept anything less. "I know Jane would want to explain this to you herself, but trust me, she isn't really with Cerberus. She wants to finish what was started. She's going after the Reapers and Cerberus is the only one believing her. She is working with Cerberus but not for them."

"How do you know all of this?"

"Because… I am with Cerberus too. But it was just bring Jane back and help her," even as he tried to explain, he could tell she already wasn't listening.

"John… How could you? You know what they do. What they've done."

"Mom, no! It's not like that!"

"I'm so disappointed in you, John."

Jane pulled herself over the bar, her arms trembling from the effort. She didn't know how many workouts she had done, other than the fact that she was pushing herself too far. She pulled herself up one more time almost crying out at the exertion. Lowering herself down, she hung her head as her arms struggled to hold onto the bar. As she took a breath, her thoughts immediately flooded back to her. At no point did she want to think about anything that was going on in her new life; so she fought herself again to swing her legs up onto the bar. Letting her arms hang loose for a moment, she crossed her arms over her chest and started to lift herself up again.

She had to keep moving; keep the pain going so she couldn't dwell on what was said to her and what she was telling herself. Who else knew? How many people assumed the worst when it came to her link to Cerberus? The thoughts were creeping in. She couldn't stop them.

Once her sides had enough, she reached up to grab the bar and unhooked her legs, dropping down to the floor. She stumbled, her body unwilling to cooperate. Every part of her was throbbing, as she sucked in breath after breath. She paced back and forth, running her hands through her messy and loose hair. Her anger was rising, fueling her for another round; she moved across the room, jumping up to throw a punch into the bag, sending it swinging. She knew she should grab gloves, but the pain was reassuring to her.

Despite her best efforts, each hit only managed to make the thoughts stronger and louder. She faltered and the bag swung into her, knocking some of the air out of her. Grabbing hold of the bag, she threw in a few kidney punches. Her resolve waned and she leaned into the bag for support. The sobs snuck up on her; her hatred for her new life sending her into a mix of anger and sadness. Hearing the door open, she jumped back and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Everything okay, Shepard?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah, yeah… I'm good."

"Need a sparring partner?"

"Thanks," she kept her head hung as she passed him, "but I was just finishing up here. Room's all yours."

"Um… Thanks, Commander."

Jane was too busy staring at her hands to talk to Jacob further. They were raw from the exertion but her cybernetics were already hard at work repairing the damage and healing the torment she had put on her muscles.

Jacob watched her leave. He could tell she was struggling with some very real demons but she wasn't opening up to anyone. He wanted to help but couldn't begin to understand what she was going through. The mission was taking a toll on everyone, especially her, and they all needed to be on their game to make any sort of difference. One thing was clear, this was not the Shepard they thought they were signing on.

Garrus continued to work but his mind was distracted, as it always was these days. It was getting late by human standards but with the day's events, he was pretty sure Jane would still be awake. He had been debating with himself for a while when the best time to go see her would be, but he had no idea. EDI had informed him when she was in the gym and that she had left for her cabin as soon as Jacob had entered the room with her. Her immediate departure told him that she didn't want to speak to anyone at the time. Perhaps now she might be ready, he thought.

He turned off the music and left his station, heading for her cabin. He didn't see anyone on his way to the elevator, and he paced as he waited to arrive at her level. He was anxious. What would he be entering into? How would her mood be? Would she still be devastated over Kaidan's words? Would her state be the same as when they had left Virmire? He found himself standing just out of view of the door. Taking a deep breath, he readied himself for a broken woman.

The door opened and he ducked just in time as a piece of her armor came flying at him to hit the wall adjacent to him. He looked at the source and found Jane throwing another gauntlet at the opposite wall. Not exactly what I was expecting… "Jane! What the Spirits are you doing?"

"God DAMMIT, Garrus!" she screamed. Her eyes were red and her cheeks stained from fresh tears. "What the hell are you doing in here? What do you want?" her arms moved about her in exaggerated ways. "Just get the fuck out! Why can't I have a moment of peace?!"

"This doesn't look very peaceful," he said quietly. He deflected a leg guard.

"Just leave me alone!"

"No," another piece came at him but he swatted it away.

"Why are you so fucking calm! Just get out and let me be angry!"

"Jane, look, I know you must be upset with Kaidan – "

"Kaidan? You think this is about Kaidan?!"

"Well… I mean…"

"Okay… Yes, I am angry at Kaidan, but it's not just him!" she started to pace, "I am trying to protect him and everyone else I care about so they won't be linked to Cerberus and everyone just keeps going back to me not contacting them for two years and implying that I am selfish and don't care about them! I know how dangerous Cerberus is! Why can't they see I am trying to keep them safe! I am a ticking time bomb, in more ways than one! Oh! And then, I find out that the Illusive Man is the one who leaked the information that I am with Cerberus!" She ran her hands through her hair, pulling it from one side to the other as she paced. She felt like if she stopped, she would explode. "God fucking dammit, he was right. He IS right!"

"Who is right? Kaidan?

"Yes! Kaidan! I have been blinded by the Reapers! Cerberus is using me. Manipulating me!"

"Jane, don't say that, please. You are doing what is right. What needs to be done."

"We keep saying that but am I? How can I not be sure that Cerberus isn't just making everything up? I'm not who I was! I am something else!"

"I refuse to believe that."

"You're the only one! No one else does! John isn't here! He's changed so much and I'm sure he is off avoiding me! Hours after waking up Tali looked at me like I was a monster. Kaidan looked at me the same way. I don't recognize myself and I am starting to see myself the same way they do!" She saw him start to open his mouth to argue but she turned, scooping up a boot and throwing it into a wall behind her, "Don't try to say I am wrong! You did the same thing! I remember that day I found you on Omega. You looked at me like I was a Cerberus project! I could tell in your face that you saw I was different! You even talked about Cerberus and their sick experiments. Well, guess what!? I AM one!"

"Jane, if I looked at you in any way it was because I was concerned about what you were going through. And if you recall, we talked about it when it happened. I'll say the same thing I said then, 'no matter what you think, I know that you are you.'"

"Oh, well, if you remember it so well do you remember that conversation we had in the comm room before getting Mordin? You said that you doubted if I was real!"

"And I have regretted ever saying that. We both said things we didn't mean."

"This isn't my body! Cerberus made me! I am a stranger in my own body! I can't control my biotics! They are way too powerful for me! I can't fucking sleep! And when I do, I have nightmares that can destroy the ship!" Her words flooded out of her barely staying in the same train of thought. She couldn't tell if she was reaching him, but she had to make him understand; to see where she was coming from. "You don't believe me. Garrus, I avoid mirrors because I am scared of what I will see in them! The Collectors took everything from me and Cerberus finished the job! Cerberus is making me suffer through the loss that all of you felt! They took my friends, my family, my life!"

Without any hint of her next move, she took off her shirt and Garrus struggled with giving her the decency of looking away and still giving her his attention in her emotional distress. When her thumbs hooked into her pants he turned away from her.

She stared at his back, "Look at me, Garrus," she said. When he didn't turn around she shouted her plea, "Damn your aversion to humans and just look at me!"

Even through her turmoil, he became fixated on her choice of words. Aversion? She couldn't be more wrong. He turned to look at her and stood stunned. She stood in only her undergarments with her arms out as tears began to fall down her face. Her skin was perfect, and that is what bothered him. There were no scars, no discerning marks, and what stuck out to him the most, no tattoos.

"When I said they took everything from me, I meant it. They took every mark. Every memory. Every scar. Every tattoo. Everything that made me, me! Everything that showed I had lived!" Her voice crescendoed as she spoke. "It's all gone! ALL OF IT!" She bent down, grabbing the edge of her breastplate and her body ignited into biotic flames. Turning away from Garrus, she threw it into a wall with an incredible force, causing it fracture into pieces. She wasn't even aware of her screaming.

As soon as her biotics surged, he was on her, making contact at the same time the armor hit the wall. He grabbed her from behind, wrapping his arms around her to hold her arms down. "Jane, just calm down. Breathe."

"Get off of me!" she shouted but her anger and biotics were already fading, despair filling the void they left.

Garrus kept her in his grasp, moving one hand to her shoulder to turn her around to face him. "Jane, listen to me." She looked away, "No, it is your turn to look at me right now," he waited until her eyes met his, "I don't care why you keep thinking this but believe me when I say that you are you! Yes, Cerberus may be trying to use you, but being aware of that will be our advantage. I know that you don't feel like yourself right now," he placed his free hand on the side of her face to hold her gaze, "but you will come to realize that you are very much the same human woman I met that day on the Citadel. I remember what your tattoos meant to you, and it is terrible that they were wiped from you. But this is your second chance at life.

"Here's a secret for you, everyone is feeling just as lost as you. You coming back changed everything. Our lives turned upside down when we lost you and we got used to that madness over two years but you coming back left us all questioning if we are even still good enough for our old lives. A lot happens over that time, I know I don't feel good enough to be here,with you."

He loosened his grip on her and she raised her fists to his chest and weakly hit him before resting her head against him, sobs overtaking her. She felt so exhausted, so empty, she could barely even think straight. "They cut my hair…"

The pitiful way she said it almost made him smile. The little he did know about human fringe is that it continuously grows, but he knew that having the length she did was her way of defying what she didn't want. He placed a hand on the back of her head, "I know… I still like it though."

Garrus didn't know how long they stood there; one of his arms resting on her back, her hands slowly relaxing from fists and resting on his chest along with her head, his opposite hand partially woven through her hair and resting on her neck, to top off the moment, he placed the side of his face softly against the top of her head, letting out a sigh. When he finally heard her breathing return to normal, he stroked her fringe above her ear. "Do you want to lie down?" he whispered and he felt her nod against his chest before she began to shuffle her feet. Taking a chance, he leaned down as she moved to the side, scooping his arm under her legs and carried her the short distance to the bed, laying her down gently.

Her head fell away from his chest and onto the pillow, her eyes caught his and she was unable to look away. She felt his hand sliding out from under her shoulder and she reached up to catch it just as he started to pull away.

Garrus gladly kept his hand in hers as he stretched out on his side. He kept her gaze, staring into her tired eyes, exhausted from the tears and lack of sleep. Slowly, he moved his free hand to cup the side of her face and he began to lightly run his talons along her scalp, starting at her fringeline above her ear and continuing to the base of her skull.

Jane closed her eyes for a few long seconds, sighing as more tears crept out of her eyes. "How did Kaidan know?" she whispered. "How did he know that I didn't tell my mom?"

"Because we all know you, Jane," he said stroking her hair. "We know your ticks, what risks you'll take, how to read you. It's what made us a great team. All of us."

"Was I wrong for not telling her?"

"I don't think so. I keep my family in the dark a lot and I wouldn't want them to worry or hurt over me." He could see her thinking it over in her head. "But you will need to contact her as soon as possible. There's no telling who she might hear it from if word is spreading through the Alliance."

"You're right," she started to move but Garrus pulled her back down and closer to himself.

"Probably not tonight. Give yourself some time to calm down. Get some rest."

"I look awful, don't I?" she tried to smile.

"I think you look great," he grinned at her.

She tried to smile back but couldn't force one out and instead tucked her head against his chest. "How am I supposed to get through this, Garrus?"

"I'm not exactly sure. But I know you will."