All characters from Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyer. I own nothing except my version of events.
A/N: I'm going to start this little message by telling you all how bad I feel for leaving you guys hanging for the past few months. For those of you who have read my update on my profile, you can probably ignore this message. But for those of you who don't know, well life has gotten a bit… complicated. Just in the past couple of months I've lost quite a few people, one in particular that was very close to my heart. I've been dealing with a lot of grief, even before their passing. They were suffering through a very horrible, painful disease and so I'd been busy trying to help as best as I could. Putting my emotions on the back burner so I could help those most affected, but it's still been both emotionally and physically draining for me. And after their passing it's been a mix of feelings, feeling both relief and sadness. Relief because they are no longer suffering but sadness because I will miss them. So it's been hard to get my mind on writing when life has been very difficult. I'm still at the grieving part, but I think it's getting better.
Anyway, since all that happened, it's been difficult to get back into the writing flow. Writing has been therapeutic for me in the past but this time it proved to be a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I'm trying. And so here is the last chapter.
I want to thank you all for sticking by this story. I know you guys had no idea of what was going on with me and my personal life so I understand if you were all annoyed that I hadn't posted the last chapter. So thank you for waiting and I hope you enjoy this last one. I will also be posting an epilogue. I already have the things I want to include, how I want to wrap up this story, and give these characters a happy ending. All I need to do now is write it up and edit.
Again thank you all for sticking with me and for allowing me to give this story a final ending.
Enjoy, S.
Chapter 24
"You have to go home and sleep, at least for a little while."
"No."
"She's not waking up anytime soon, Paul."
"I know. I just–"
"She won't know you're gone."
"You're right, she won't. But I will.
"Paul–"
"I said 'No', Jared. You think I can fucking sleep when I don't know if she'll ever–"
"Stop. You promised Renee and Charlie you wouldn't think like that. They would be so hurt if they could hear you now."
"You're right… I promised them, and myself, I wouldn't lose faith in her again… It's just so hard to stay optimistic when she's–"
"I know, brother, I know it's hard. But you have to stay strong. Bella needs you healthy. Depriving yourself from basic human needs doesn't do anyone any good. Which is why I think you should get some space, sleep in your bed for once. I promise I will personally stay here and keep an eye on her while you're gone. If anything happens I'll call you."
"I'm not leaving her, Jared. I… c-can't… Just closing my eyes and losing sight of her sends me into a panic. Even here I can only manage a few hours of sleep. Leaving her is out of the question."
"You haven't left the hospital at all, Paul, it's not healthy for you. Think of what Bella would say. She wouldn't want you to–"
"Leave him be. Paul said he wants to stay, so he'll stay."
"But Renee, it's clear that he needs–"
"He needs to remain by Bella's side."
"But–"
"Are you questioning me, Jared?"
"No, of course not, Ms. Dwyer."
"Good. Now go get Paul something to eat before the cafeteria closes."
"Ok, I'll– be right back."
"I can't eat anything, Renee. You know that."
"Paul, Sweetheart, I defended you from your pushy friend. You don't have to go anywhere if you don't want to but I draw the line at starving yourself. You need to eat something… You won't last long if you keep going like this. I said you didn't have to leave, but if you don't at least try to eat something I will personally kick you out of my daughter's hospital room and I will not let you back in until you do. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes."
"Good."
… "Thank you."
"You don't need to thank me, Sweetheart. I know how much you love my daughter, and now that I know about the legends I understand how hard this must be for you… I'm not quite sure why the rest of the pack still doesn't understand."
"Because she's not my imprint..."
"I know. But you said your kind feel emotions stronger than the rest of us do. And you said your wolf loves her too… I can't imagine he would take kindly to the idea of not being by her side."
"He doesn't. He pushes to come out every time someone even mentions us leaving her. And I don't want to go either. I'm scared that if I do, when I come back, she'll be –"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence. I know you're in pain but you promised you would have faith in her. If Bella could hear you now…"
"I'm sorry, you're right. And I do believe in her. I swear. It's just that– I can't help this fear clawing inside of me. It's like my heart beats slower with every passing day she stays unconscious. Every time I think about it I–"
"Come here... I know how that feels, Paul, I feel it too. So does Charlie. But we can't lose hope. If you truly love my daughter like you say you do, you will stay strong for her. She needs to know we're all still here supporting her through this."
"I d0. And I will."
"It's been almost two weeks, Leah, and still nothing."
"She just needs time, Seth. That first week was critical but she made it past it and the doctor said things are looking good now. He thinks it's almost time to wake her up but ultimately it's up to her. And we all know how stubborn she can be. She's probably just trying to teach us a lesson in patience or something."
"She's not that much of a bitch."
"You say that because you're her favorite. The rest of us don't have it as easy."
"What do you mean?! She kept your secret from the entire pack even when it was causing problems in her own personal life!"
"Yeah well, we had to keep Paul's secret too. There were a lot of secrets going on around here, not just mine."
"No kidding. Did you get to talk to Paul about it?"
"Kind of… but it's been difficult. You know he's become practically catatonic since they wheeled Bella into her new room. But at least he's not mad at me."
"He's a good guy. He wouldn't be mad at you for making Bella keep that kind of secret. He more than anyone understands how hard it is for those of us who are terrified of imprinting. Plus he blames himself for not trusting her when she said Julian and her were just friends in the first place."
"He shouldn't feel guilty for that. I love Bella but she's difficult. We all knew it was going to be almost impossible to get her to admit her true feelings for him. She's too damned hard headed for her own good."
"Leah, are you talking shit about my daughter while she's in a coma?"
"No, of course not, Chief Swan. Why would I ever do such a thing?"
"Cuz Bella's not the only 'bitch' around here. Why else do you think people run in the opposite direction when they see you coming?"
"They do not, Seth!"
"Oh darling… no wonder you're one of Bella's best friends."
"Renee, why did that sound more like an insult than anything else?"
"Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answers to, Dear."
"Hey Princess, the doctors said to speak to you as if you can hear me. I'm going to try my best, okay?... I really miss you, and I can't wait for you to come back to us. It's been really– h-hard… to not hear your voice... Sometimes I think I still do… It sounds crazy when I say it aloud but I think it's my subconscious trying to remind me that you're still with me, that you haven't left me and I'll hear your sweet voice again someday. You have no idea how much I want that. How much I want to see those big beautiful brown eyes of yours, that smile that always lights up my day. I… I also want to tell you how sorry I am… I know I've said it countless times already but it feels like no matter how many times I say it, it will never be enough... You don't know how much it pains me to think those horrible words I last spoke to you that day could be the last words you ever hear from me and I– I just want you to know that I love you enough to let you go…. When you wake up, because I have faith that you will... I'll accept whatever you decide. We can go back to being friends again if that's what you want. We can pretend everything between us never happened, I could do that… for you. All I ask is that you don't push me out of your life. But if you never want to see me again I c-can come to accept that too… I love you and I will always love you, but if you don't choose me in the end then– then that's okay. I'll be okay. And if you do choose to keep me in your life, I don't want you to ever think you will lose our friendship because of it. I would never deny you that. I will always be here for you, cheering you on as you go through life even if it's without me… I just– I just need you to come back… Please."
"The doctor said the swelling has gone down enough that we can start pulling her out of the coma."
"That's good news, Charlie… What is it? Why do you still look so worried?"
"It's not as easy as it sounds, Renee. The doctor also mentioned when Bella wakes up… she might not remember some things."
"Like the crash?"
"That… maybe more…"
"What do you really mean, Charlie?"
"That we need to be prepared for anything, Paul. With head trauma as severe as hers it's common for patients to wake up with missing gaps in their memory. He said we need to be cautious, to let her come to everything on her own and to not push her."
"Okay, that doesn't sound too bad. We can do that."
"Renee's right, however Bella wakes up we'll help her through it."
"Kiss ass."
"Don't be jealous, Charlie. Paul just knows who the real boss is around here."
"Hah! Wait 'till Bella hears that!"
"I think there's a lot we need to discuss when she finally wakes…"
"She'll be happy for us, Renee. We caught her by surprise and she lashed out. It's our own fault. We shouldn't have hid it from her… you know how much Bella values honesty from us. She has a point to be angry. I've never kept anything from her before and I shouldn't have done it now, especially concerning you. We'll just have to explain everything to her and hope that with time she'll come to accept it… eventually."
"It might take a while..."
"It might."
"But we'll give her all the time she needs. And you, sweetheart, need to tell her how you really feel."
"I know… I should have done that from the beginning instead of playing these stupid games. And now that I know I could have lost her without her hearing the truth first… it's something I will always regret."
"Don't be too hard on yourself, son. Bella is not easy."
"No thanks to us, but especially because of me. I made a lot of mistakes with her, too many to count. I failed her as a mother in so many ways, even after she gave me chance after chance. I took them for granted… But I will never lie to her again and I will always be open and honest with her. I owe her that and so much more."
"Renee, you did what you could."
"No, I didn't. That's the problem. I was a shitty mother. I knew it and I did nothing to change it. I put too much on her shoulders. I leaned on her too heavily. I can't change the past but I can accept my mistakes and strive to be the mother she truly deserves."
"And you will, Renee. She'll give you the chance. Bella loves you more than you realize."
"Thank you, Paul. She's lucky to have you."
"No. I'm the lucky one."
Pain.
It's the first thing I feel.
The pounding in my head is intense, taking over every thought, every breath I take. It feels like it's the only thing I will ever feel. My brain feels like it's pulsating, expanding large enough to hit the wall of my skull only to shrink back to a pea size. Stretching out again to continue this persistent torture.
It's not until I grow used to the uncomfortable feeling that my other senses slowly begin to return. Sound, though muffled and making little sense, slowly slip into my consciousness. I hear voices but my befuddled brain is too groggy to make sense of the words. They all sound familiar but not enough for my mind to be able to recall who is speaking just yet. The smell around me is too clean, but not in a comforting way. More like antiseptic, sterile, cold.
Little by little I start to feel parts of my body again. And though I will myself to move I feel like I can't. Like my brain is still too foggy to send the appropriate signals to my limbs to make the action. I try to open my eyes but it's like my lids have glued themselves shut. And just the energy to conjure up the strength to pry them open is already too exhausting.
And though I begin to internally panic inside my own mind, feeling like I will be forever trapped in this place that has no physical body, I try not to fear it. Surprisingly the pain brings me comfort, it assures me that though I'm not truly awake, I'm not dead either.
And that confuses me.
I can't remember how I got here. What happened to me that sent me to this place in the unknown. If I thought about it for too long, panic begins to seep in again. To prevent that I focus on organizing my thoughts, trying to put the jumble of words and thoughts into one coherent string of sentences. When the confusion to my lack of body movement dissipates, the voices I thought I heard before finally start to become clearer. Spoken words begin to make sense, my mind finally cracking the secret code I thought I would never be able to solve. I can finally identify multiple voices.
"I swear I saw her finger twitch."
"Are you sure that's what you saw? The doctor said it might take her a long while to wake up. Maybe you're just imagining it because you want her to come back."
"I know what I saw." A deep voice says with a growl.
"If you say so. Either way I'll go get Charlie and Renee, just to make sure they're here in case she is waking up."
Mom! Dad!
Snapshot images start filtering into my mind. Bits and pieces slowly coming together but remaining all in a jumble. Images I have a hard time placing and the sounds unaligned to the appropriate scenes. Not enough to piece together.
I went to my father's house. I remember leaving. Negative emotions begin filtering in but there's still a block in my mind I can't find a way to push past. Why was I so angry, what did I see?
Just asking myself that, more images begin to filter in, flashing so fast that it begins to feel like a 19th century flipbook.
I caught my mother and my father kissing.
Kissing?!
"Bella?"
The voice is followed by a comforting warmth engulfing my hand. It squeezes it delicately, just enough for me to feel it, finally giving me something to focus on outside of my own body.
I zero in on the radiating heat, feeling it starting at the tips of my fingers and slowly enveloping my hand. The warmth glides up to my wrist and then up my arm. The warmth helps me find my fingers and I try to move them, screaming at my body to do as I say.
There's a startled gasp and then, "Did you just try to move your finger? God, if you can hear me baby, take your time. Don't push yourself more than you're ready to. I'll be right here waiting for as long as you need me."
The voice is so gentle. So loving.
But instead of calming me down. It urges me forward. Almost in a panic to open my eyes and see the owner of the voice. I fight more than ever. I can't bear to remain stuck in this darkness, not anymore. I'd been complacent up until this point but now I can't wait.
I can't stay trapped here any longer. I have to wake up.
"Is it true?" A female voice bursts into the ether. "Is she waking up? Oh Sweetheart, tell me she's waking up."
"I think so. I thought I saw her hand move but now I don't know…"
The sadness in the voice hurts me more than even the pounding in my head. I convince myself that I can will my body to move. That I can command it to do as I order it to.
"Maybe it was my imagination, I don't know. She hasn't moved again and she hasn't made a sound. Maybe I only thought I saw–"
Another gasp.
"What? What is it?"
"I swear she just squeezed my hand."
I suddenly feel a lighter warmth taking over my other hand. The touch of the new presence on my fingers more prominent than the other, less gentle, more urging.
"Sweetheart… Bella, can you hear me? It's mom." She pauses, waiting for a response from me. When she speaks again its more soft, more… filled with pain. "Squeeze my hand, Honey, let me know you're coming back."
Renee. My mother. From my foggy memories I remember I should be angry with her, but instead, I feel the opposite. It feels like I haven't heard her voice in a very long time and now I just want to drink it in until I have my fill.
"Bella." Another hand touches my arm on the same side my mother is holding on to me. "It's dad, Sweetie. We just want you to wake up. If you're ready, please, just open your eyes."
I hate to hear the same pain in my father's voice as I heard from my mother's. The fear, the anguish. It's too much to bear that I force my body to move, again, commanding it to do as I say.
"Oh Charlie, she heard you!" My mother chokes on a sob. A happy sob. "Keep talking."
"I'll go get the doctor." The deep voice says, and then lets go.
I hate it. I want it back.
Angry that it's no longer near me I pry my lids open.
"Bella!"
All I see is a bright light and I instinctively shut my eyes again, groaning, still seeing the bright light through my already closed lids. Or at least I think I made the sound, I'd felt the physical rumbling in my throat, painful as it was.
"Charlie, the curtains!"
Another pair of hands leave me and then the brightness behind my closed lids dims. Once it feels safe, I open my eyes again.
"Oh, Bella!" My mother sobs.
It's quickly followed by my father. His chocolate brown eyes, a reflection of my own, staring back at me except these are filled with unshed tears.
I try to swallow, hoping that once I do I can finally speak but it feels like razors sliding down my throat when I try to. My hand instinctively tries to shoot up to my throat but I fail when my arm doesn't get the memo, though it doesn't stop it from telling me something hurts. When I look down I find a clear tube sticking out of my hand attached to an IV at the side of my bed. Correction. Not my bed, a hospital bed.
Hospital? What the hell happened to me?
"They're paging the doctor. He should be on his–"
I eagerly look to the voice. The panicked feeling that had started clawing up my throat dissipating with just the sound of it.
"Paul." I barely manage to whisper.
Green suddenly stares back at me but disappears within the next blink. And then it's Paul, staring at me in shock at first, I looks haggard, exhausted. His hair has grown some and there's a couple of inches of hair on his face that weren't there the last time I laid eyes on him.
He looks different, but when I look into his eyes it's like time stands still. It's all there, all his feelings displayed clearly on his face for me to easily read.
"Bella." He whispers, so softly I barely hear him too. And then he's rushing to my side, sliding his fingers into my hand that's still on the bed. His other reaching up to gently, tenderly cup my face. "You're back."
I smile, at least I think I do. I'm not sure what he's talking about but I don't really care at the moment. All I can feel is him. The heat of his skin, the warmth that radiates out of his being. I slowly start to smell him too. The combination of my senses returning to me and bringing the soothing aura Paul always carries with him wherever he goes.
Though I have no idea of what's going on, I do know that I should treasure this moment. That I should be thankful I am able to once again see and touch him. It feels like forever since I last did.
I want to say more, to speak to him. But it's like my mouth has been glued shut. Even keeping my eyes open feels harder a task than it should be. I feel exhausted, depleted of energy. I want to close my eyes and sleep but I fight against the urge to succumb.
I want to stay.
I want to stay here with him.
"Hey." Is all I manage to say. That alone feels like I swallowed acid.
The pain is more than worth it when Paul chuckles, tears beginning to fill his eyes. He shakes them away, though one still manages to slip down his left eye. I try to reach forward to make it go away but I don't even manage to lift my hand an inch off the mattress when I feel the tugging in my hand again.
I look down towards it, remembering there's an IV connected to my hand. "What– happened?"
All three stay quiet looking at each other as if unsure as to what to say.
"I heard the good news! Our patient is finally awake."
The doctor waltz in, I'm assuming my doctor since I'm the only one in a hospital bed. He pardons his way to me. I frown when he asks Paul and my parents to take a step back so he can have room.
"Finally?" I ask, confused now more than ever.
"Yes. Unfortunately, we had to put you in a coma to help your body heal."
Heal… what the hell did I have to heal from? Wait a minute, I was in a coma?!
"Coma?"
"Yes, you might not remember. It's okay if you don't. You were in a car accident. Luckily you were brought in on time and we were able to help you."
I blink at him confused. It felt like he was talking to me like I was an idiot. He wasn't wrong. Clearly I am if his words make no sense and I have zero recollection of what the hell he's talking about.
Why can't I remember?
I'm about to ask when the doctor just keeps on talking.
"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you three to leave the room. I need to ask Isabella a few questions and run some tests now that she's awake."
Isabella… no one ever called me that.
As if I needed another reason to dislike him, I'm even more upset he's just asked my family to leave. I wanted them to stay with me. I dreaded the thought of being alone.
But they all slowly nod and file out, throwing me soft smiles as they go. Paul hesitates the longest. His brows furrowing in worry as if dreading the thought of leaving me too, but he doesn't fight the order either.
I wish he would. Especially when the doctor starts asking me questions I can't answer. I have no idea of what the hell he's talking about. I don't remember anything other than finding my parents kissing. That alone confuses me more because I can't remember the details. All I know is that they did.
But wasn't my mother engaged to someone else? So why would they be kissing?
The pounding in my head intensifies the more confused I get.
Sensing my distress the doctor thankfully stops asking me so many damned questions and moves on to analyzing my body. I feel him prodding at my limbs. When I say so he smiles happily telling me it's a good sign, even though I still can't exactly move much. Again, I panic.
He tells me to relax and not to worry. That it's normal for patients who just woke up from a coma to have difficulty moving. If anything, I've exceeded his expectations already.
Apparently being somewhat coherent and being able to speak is a miracle all on its own. All I can do is trust he's telling me the truth.
After that, I'm sent out to do labs. I loathe him even more.
I just wanted my parents back.
I wanted Paul back.
I never wanted to leave their side again.
I fall in and out of consciousness after that. Barely registering what's going on around me. I know I'm moved repeatedly from one place to another. Going through machines and told not to move…
Well, no shit. Not like I could if I wanted to anyway. It's all a blur and I settle into sleep whenever I manage. When they inform me they're taking me back into my room, I try to force myself to stay awake but it's no use. The little energy I had left in me drains away and I fall into the abyss of nothingness again.
When I gain consciousness I have a hard time opening my eyes, but I keep trying anyway. The room is dark except for the lights emanating from the monitors at my bedside. When my eyes adjust to my surroundings I immediately identify the lone figure beside my bed shrouded in darkness. I still see him, still feel him.
My hand is engulfed in his larger one, his head lying against our intertwined hands. I hear him lightly snoring, bringing a immediate smile to my face.
All I can do is be thankful I'm still here. From the little the doctor told me earlier I now realize how lucky I really am to be alive. That I'm here right now and I'm able to see and touch my family again. And not just my parents but Paul too. He's my family, too.
I remembered our fight. I remembered how I'd asked him to leave. The pain in his expression when he'd forced himself to follow my plea. It hurt just to remember it. Out of everything I could forget, I wished that'd be one of them.
Except a part of me didn't really.
The memory of my own pain reflected in his eyes made me realize how stupid I had been. I'd been plagued by doubt. Fear that I was falling deeper than I had ever thought I could. I wasn't ready to admit it at the time. I'd been terrified. Regretting the choices I'd made that had led me to that point.
Because I'd thought I'd made a mistake. I thought it wasn't what I wanted. I'd planned out my life, the course I would take to achieve my dreams. It's all I've ever really wanted and I was devoted to following the life path I had chosen for myself.
Growing up I never had that power. I went through the motions, adapting to the erratic life my mother had dragged me through. Living but only remaining afloat, simply treading water. I had no control, no real place in my everyday life that I could call home. It was only during the summers with my father and the pack where I finally felt complete. A place I felt safe and loved.
Sadly, it had always been fleeting, because as soon as the end of summer came around I was back to the life I'd always known. Living in a new city that my mother had decided she would move to just to be near whatever boyfriend she'd committed herself to at the time. I had no stability, no sense of security. Again, adapting my only course of action.
It wasn't until I graduated high school that I realized I didn't have to live that way anymore. I could go to college and escape the chaotic life my mother had chosen for me. And instead of taking the opportunity to live in sunny weather, in a metropolitan city that gave me an easy way of life, I'd chosen to come back to Forks. To the place I've always known, to the people who have loved and cared for me since as far as I could remember. Never once had I thought to go anywhere else, at least not yet. For now I wanted to be with my dad, my friends, with my basically adopted brothers and sister. All the amenities the world around me offered paled in comparison to the joy my family brought to me every single day.
What else could I possibly search for? I needed nothing else.
Being told I died twice and was eventually placed in a coma put everything into perspective.
I felt shame now. I felt like an idiot. Wasting so much time trying to deny my feelings when it had all been so simple.
I was in love with Paul.
It was crystal clear to me now, more than anything has ever felt before. Especially now as I lay almost unmovable on my hospital bed. Love, which I once thought was the hardest emotion to feel, seemed so simple now. So easy.
Loving Paul was as easy as breathing.
But I wasn't naive either, being with Paul wasn't as simple as it sounded. It came with a whole host of responsibilities. Commitments I was still somewhat fearful to make. If I chose to be with Paul I would also be choosing to stay in La Push for the rest of my life. It required a great sacrifice. Giving up my lifelong dreams and plans I'd made for the future. I'd have to give up everything for him.
So now the real question was... Was I willing to make that sacrifice?
Searching for answers I immediately look down to Paul's sleeping form. Except when I look down I find myself staring into the eyes of the man who has brought me the purest joy imaginable. Filling me with an all-consuming love I never could have fathom existed. And in that moment, I knew what I wanted.
I was willing to sacrifice everything to have that. To have him.
"You're awake."
"I am." I say softly. Too softly I'm not even sure I said it loud enough for him to hear, but my throat hurts too much to speak in a normal voice. I try to cough to clear my airways but it feels drier than sandpaper.
Seeing my struggle Paul jumps out of his seat going for the water at my bedside. He serves me in a cup, adding a straw to make it easier on me.
"Thank you." I say after taking a few pulls. I still feel parched, but I wasn't sure I could manage any more than what I'd already taken. At least it helped clear my throat a little.
"How are you feeling?"
"Like I hit a tree."
The joke falls flat. If anything Paul flinches as he hears me speak of it out loud.
"Too soon?"
He stays quiet for a moment, his eyes seeing through me as if he can see something I can't.
Thoughtlessly he says, "Not sure it will ever be funny."
I instantly detect the pain in his voice, a glimpse of the misery he must have dealt with while I'd been laying here unconscious. But there's also something else. Something I am incapable of understanding.
"What is it?"
He hesitates as if not wanting to tell me what plagued him even in his waking hours, but finally he confesses.
"I saw it, Bella."
I watch him silently in shock, and fear, considering whether I wanted to hear him tell me the gritty details of my accident. I don't want to but I force myself to ask him anyway. "The accident?"
"I was in wolf form, talking with Jared while he was finishing his patrol. I just needed–" He stops and purses his lips before trying again. "We heard it. The crash. We both ran toward it knowing whoever it had been would need our help. We never thought it would be y–you." He stutters, shivering at the memory. "And then through Jared's eyes I saw–"
Paul closes his eyes and clenches his jaw as if he can still see it in his mind's eye. I tighten my fingers around his, trying to lure him from the memory.
"I'm sorry you had to see that."
At my voice, he slowly opens his eyes. "Seeing you lying there, Bella. I-Its – It's an image I don't think I will ever be able to forget."
"I'm assuming you brought me here then?"
"I wanted to, but Jared reminded me it was too dangerous to move you. You were lying there, so still, barely breathing…" He pauses again and continues, "We called an ambulance. It was all we could do. It was all I could do."
I nod slowly coming to understand how guilty he felt at being unable to help me more than he had. It was stupid for him to think that way. If they hadn't been there and heard the crash, rushing to help a stranger in need, I would have been stranded in the middle of nowhere and died alone.
Instead, he saved me.
"Paul," I start softly, gently, fearing he might fight me with the next words I spoke. "It's thanks to you that I'm still here. I'm sorry I put you through that, all of you. For having to see me in that state. I can't even imagine…" I shake my head too, overcome with shame. "I shouldn't have been driving so recklessly. I was being stupid."
There was more I should say, more apologies to give. I had so many things to apologize for and not just for the accident. But it was hard to express my feelings. To ask Paul to forgive me for all the stupid things I had done and said since he moved back to La Push.
Because it had all gone wrong right from the beginning. And though I wished to turn back time and change the things I've said and the mistakes I've made, I had to deal with the reality I couldn't. It was impossible. All I could do was work to correct my past mistakes and hope that he could forgive me. But as I thought about what steps I needed to take to make that happen, a little part of me cruelly questioned how he could possibly ever forgive me for it at all.
I had caused him so much pain. Not just with my rejection but even with my near death experience. It's like I couldn't stop myself from causing him more heartache.
Maybe it'd be better to let him go. To free him from me once and for all. All along I'd thought that love would hold me back, but instead, I was the one who had been holding him back. I'd unknowingly chained him to me. Bended his will to my wishes and my demands. Maybe he'd be better off without me….
"No. It wasn't you." He says firmly. "It was me. If I wouldn't have pressured you to make a decision… If I would have believed you when you told me there was nothing going on between you and Julian, you would have never–"
"Stop." I interrupt him a little too harshly than I'd intended. I regret it almost immediately, but I just couldn't continue to hear him blame himself for my mistakes. Couldn't bare hearing him take the blame for my own actions. It hurt to hear him say those things, to hear him proclaiming my innocence when I was far from it.
"I'm sorry." He says sadly, his shoulder slumping forward, looking so defeated.
"No. Don't say you're sorry. The person who should be apologizing is me."
"Bella–"
"No, just hear me out first." I beg him, holding his eyes and willing him to bend to my wishes one last time. At least so I could tell him once and for all that he wasn't at fault for any of this.
"This is… hard for me to admit, to tell you. I–" I'm internally panicking. My throat feels tight all of a sudden at the thought of having to bare my soul to him. To admit to all the lies I've told, all the mistakes I've made, and to tell him how I truly feel about him.
Maybe I can't do it… maybe I'm not strong enough… And what was the point of doing it when I wasn't worthy of his forgiveness?
I wasn't worthy of a person like him. Of being loved by someone so selfless, so caring, so devoted to someone who wasn't brave enough to openly love him in return.
My mother hadn't thought I was worthy of her attention. That's why she found a way to abandon me even while living in the same house. Why practically strangers were more worthy of her attention than even her own flesh and blood. If my own mother, who gave me life, didn't bother with me. Why would he? Why should he?
I feel the warmth of his fingers against my skin, cupping my face in his hands.
"Hey, hey, hey. Look at me, Princess." He says softly, carefully, pulling me back from whatever panic I'd been drowning in before he pulled me back to the present.
I blink rapidly at him, trying to clear the blurriness in my vision suddenly prohibiting me from seeing him clearly.
His thumbs brush against my cheeks, his breath lightly fanning my face and leaving cool streaks over the apparent tears he'd wiped away.
"You don't have to say anything you're not ready for. And I do need to apologize. I'm sorry I pressured you before, but I promise from now on I will never do it again." He swears, his eyes carefully searching mine. "We can go back to being friends if you want. We can pretend nothing between us ever happened. I just want you to be happy, to not worry about us anymore. I made so many mistakes and–"
I shut my eyes and shake my head, managing to grasp his wrist in my hands despite the resistance of my sluggish arms.
"Paul," I start again shakily, "there's something I need to tell y–"
"There's nothing you need to say now. We can figure everything out later, no pressure. What's important now is your recovery. I want to help you do that… Unless you don't want me to. I'd understand if you didn't, or if you just need space from me. All that matters is…"
His voice fades away. I'm exhausted. Not just emotionally but physically spent. Even keeping my hold on his wrists is tiring and I feel my hands trembling already. It's weird to feel my body fighting against me, to have such delayed responses after waking up from my apparent coma. It still seems surreal, unbelievable when it only feels like I'd only taken a nap since the accident. My body tells me differently though.
And it would be so easy to take his offer. To leave the discussion about us on hold until I found my footing again. I so desperately wanted to take the easy way out.
But having Paul's face so close to mine, watching him worry over me and listening to the selflessness in his words. Listening to him putting me above his own needs again like he always seemed to do… I just couldn't be selfish again. I couldn't leave him in limbo. With the uncertainty of wondering the fate of our relationship for however long it took me to be ready. Because knowing myself, I would never be ready. I would always choose the easy way out and continue to ignore my problems like I've always done in the past.
But he deserved better than my selfishness. Better that the very little I'd given him since I first laid eyes on him again.
"I love you."
It's the first words I've said with a strength I didn't know I had within me, and they resound loudly in the silence. Not sure if it's my imagination or a reality. But really, no matter the level of my voice Paul hears me clearly. The loosening of his hands around my face and the pure shock in his expression a clear sign he'd heard me loud and clear.
He blinks at me stupidly. Like his brain just short circuited and he doesn't exactly know how to come back. But eventually he does and his hands completely drop from my face as if he is unsure of what to do now. He even takes a step back from my bed.
I frown at the distance, feeling disappointed and hurt, but it's not like I could blame him. I did this to myself.
"I know it's probably not the right time to tell you. Maybe you don't feel that way about me anymore after everything that's happened." I say quietly, my nails digging into the palms of my hands.
He still doesn't respond. So I just continue, he hasn't run away from me yet so that had to be a good sign, right?
"I– There's so much I want to say. So many things I have to admit to. A lot of apologies to give you. But I just had to tell you how I really felt about you before I panicked again and chickened out. I just can't hel–"
"Felt?" He finally asks. It sounds fearful, unsure, almost as if his mind can't make heads of anything. Can't distinguish what's real or not.
"Feel, but uhh, yeah.." I reply stupidly, now confused by his response. "Did you not hear me before?" Then I stupidly mutter to myself. "Did I say I loved him just in my head?"
"You love me?" He finally blurts out in surprise, his weight dropping to the chair he'd been sleeping in, looking absolutely lost and confused.
"Yes…" I say slowly "Did I not say it out loud? I thought I did? Paul, are you okay?" I finally say with worry, still watching his frozen form.
He surprises me again when he breaks out into a laugh.
If I was confused before, it's nothing to what I feel now. The good thing is that his laugh releases the anxiety and fear I'd been harboring about admitting my feelings for him. This is weird. Like really weird.
I never thought I would ever utter the words 'I love you' to someone, let alone to Paul. But not only that, but to have him laugh about it, looking a little crazed as he presses his fists to the sides of his head shaking it from side to side all while muttering, "This can't be real.", "I must still be dreaming.", "Renee told me to eat before going to sleep… I should have listened."
The last of his muttering has me laughing, coming to realize that Paul was just in shock and still couldn't believe what just happened. He was such a fool, I think even more than I was.
And maybe that's why we might just be absolutely perfect for each other.
"This is so weird, now you have me thinking I'm dreaming too." I finally giggle out.
He drops his hands from his head as if finally coming back. He suddenly moves closer, startling me with the sudden movement. He cups my face again and whispers softly, filled with a new hope, though tainted with a bit of fear mixed in. "Tell me this isn't a dream and that you really said y-you–" He stops, closing his eyes and squeezing them together before opening them again and continuing, "you love me."
I'm exhausted. My limbs feel heavy and my hands feel slightly numb, but knowing Paul's happiness is hinging on my reassurance. I find the strength to lift my hand to touch his face, lightly tracing the bone underneath his eye. "This isn't a dream… I do love you."
His mouth drops slightly open and I smile at his awestruck expression. I'm about to laugh again when his soft lips suddenly press against mine.
With the little energy I have left I slip my fingers into his hair, brushing the strands and enjoying the feel of it in between my fingers.
I missed his kisses. The way his scent and the heat of his skin always manages to seep into me too. It's unexplainable, this connection, this feeling. It's like nothing I have ever felt before. It's different now but in the most beautiful, wonderful way. Now that I've finally acknowledged my feelings for him the kiss feels life-changing. I feel free, like I can now openly show him exactly how happy he makes me feel. How much I desire for him to be with me always. For him to kiss me knowing it doesn't necessarily have to lead to sex. We can just kiss and enjoy the moment. Exchanging how we feel for each other through soft touches and gentle kisses. There's no holding back now.
He pulls away and drops his forehead against mine. His breath is heavy with excitement, euphoric. He breaks out into a blinding smile and says, "I love you, Bella."
I smile back, biting my lip and wishing my body would allow me to push myself closer to him now that we've admitted our love for each other. Needing to show him how much I love and adore him now that I can.
"God, you have no idea how many times I've wanted to tell you."
I close my eyes, my smile slightly slipping. "I'm sorry. It's my fault you couldn't. That you held yourself back because you were too afraid to scare me away."
He pulls away slightly while still keeping our faces close, wanting to be as near to me as he possibly can.
"Does that mean you're not scared anymore?"
I know he wants me to say no. To say I've finally gotten over that hurdle and I'm ready to fully throw myself into this relationship. And though I want to ease his worries, to tell him he has nothing to worry about, I can't do that. I had to tell him the truth. After having lied to him and myself for so long, I now vowed to always tell him the truth. No matter how painful the truth might be.
"I'm terrified." I admit.
His smile flickers but I push forward, hoping he will accept me for me when it's all I can give him.
"But I'm going to try every day to not let this fear pull me away from you any longer. I can't promise you that this will be easy. That now that I've accepted my feelings for you our relationship will be easy. It won't be, but what I can promise you is that I will keep trying and I will always tell you the truth. I don't want any more lies between us, between anyone. I promise to always tell you the truth even if the truth might not be something you want to hear. I want this to be real, for us to be real. I love you more than I ever thought I could possibly love anyone and I will fight for us no matter how hard it gets. That is what I can promise you, Paul."
He closes his eyes, an emotion I can't identify flitting through his face before he opens them again. All I can tell is that he's happy, relieved even.
"That's all I've ever wanted. Just to hear you say that there is an us. You willing to try is more than I ever hoped for. I know there's a lot of things we need to work on. In general, relationships aren't easy and ours won't be either. I just want you to commit to trying, to giving us a chance. And I'll do anything in my power to make this as easy as it can be for you. I'll let you lead if that's what you need. To guide our relationship however you feel you're most comfortable with. I don't want you to feel any pressure from my expectations. You lead, and I will follow. Always."
Shit. He's truly ruined me.
The love and acceptance, the sweet words and his loving support…it's so much more than I deserved.
I vowed to never live without him again.
"Kiss me." Is all I can say, because I have no words, no other way of expressing how much his words mean to me other than with a kiss.
He doesn't hesitate to do so. He immediately takes up the little distance we have between us, engulfing me in his sweet lips and gentle hands, warming me with the very essence that is him.
And I do the same. Trying to show him in the only way I know how, at least for now.
I will forever be grateful for him. Always treasure the many chances Paul has given me without fail. Because he's once again made this easy for me. Made it so easy for me to love him in any way I want to. All the problems we will face in the future we will deal with when the time comes. Together. No expectations, no pressure. Just us loving each other. And I will show him just how grateful I am for that, for him allowing me the control he knows I need. I will prove to him that his trust in me was worth it. It might take me a while to get there, to show him that I love him and am completely devoted to as long as I live there will never be another. It's the one thing I know with absolute certainty.
My lids feel heavy. Hard as I try to keep them open, my eyes continue to fall shut, my lips slowing down as I'm already drifting.
He softly chuckles and pulls away.
I smile sheepishly, my eyes unable to open again. "I'm sleepy." I mumble, already more than halfway gone.
I hear his soft chuckle, his hands still around my face, his thumbs soothingly caressing my hair lulling me even further into unconsciousness. "Sleep, Princess. I'll still be here when you wake up."
"Promise?" I mumble out one last time.
"I promise."