When we arrive at District Eleven, all my thoughts revolve around Rue. I try to keep myself distracted but her death plays on repeat in my mind and even Katniss notices something is off.
"Are you alright, Peeta?" Katniss asks.
"Um, yeah," I say, scratching the back of my arms. It's like I can feel the tracker Jacker stings that Rue healed for me again. "It's just…Rue."
"Oh. The little tribute from Eleven," she says, and I try not to wince at the description. She doesn't mean anything by it. "Do you want to see me do a handstand?"
"What?" The question catches me so off guard I stumble when I snap my eyes to hers. "Can you even do a handstand?"
Katniss casually shrugs. "No. But I'd try if it would cheer you up."
I don't know why but that makes me burst out laughing. It was completely out of pocket and completely Katniss, which is part of what makes her so perfect. Even when I've hurt her, she doesn't even hesitate to make me feel better. Katniss' face turns into a grin at the success of her statement and she gently grabs my arm.
"Tell me about her," she says.
"Rue was…she was the strongest person I know. She didn't think so, but she was. She was kind and she loved music. She's the oldest in her family and loved all of her siblings. She was so brave. She didn't even hesitate to suggest blowing up the Careers food. She was sneaky and mischievous and so so pure. You and Prim both remind me of her a bit. Like you emit light everywhere you go," I tell Katniss.
"I think I would have liked her," Katniss says, laying her head on my shoulder. I kiss the top of her head and she sighs.
Effie breaks up the moment all too soon and she escorts us out of the train, handing me a stack of notecards to read from. It'll be the same speech in every district, although it was customary to give a special sentence or two to the families of any allies the Victor had, which in my case was just Eleven with Rue.
I can feel myself shaking with every step until I feel Katniss take my hand and squeeze. Together, we walk out onto the stage and she hangs back, allowing me to step forward to address the crowd. I start to read from the cards, but it just feels wrong. Scanning through the crowd, I see the faces of Rue's little siblings staring back at me and I know no amount of words will ever make up for the loss of their beloved sister. So I shove the cards into my pocket, something I know Effie will berate me for later.
"I didn't get to speak to Thresh very much," I say, addressing Rue's male counterpart first. "But he did let me go when I ran into him. He didn't want to play the games by anyone's rules but his own and for that, I will always respect him. He was loyal, to Rue, to his district, and he was a good man." I see one of his family members, it must be his grandmother, give a half smile at the mention of her grandson's actions.
"I did know Rue. She was my friend. She was everything that was good about this world. She was brave until the very end and I still see her everywhere. I see her in the birds who sing their songs, in the trees that she loves to hop through. She will always stay with me." I turn back to the district. "Thank you for your children."
I'm about to turn back when Katniss steps up. She gives me an indecipherable look, a diplomatic one as she approaches the mic. I can see the crowd is weary. They don't like Snow and most of them don't like his granddaughter either.
"Peeta told me a little bit about Rue on the train. She seemed like a wonderful little girl. And from what I've observed about Thresh, I can only imagine he was equally as great. He saved Peeta's life and for that, I am eternally grateful. It can in no way replace your losses, but as a token of our thanks, I'd like for each of the tribute's families from District Eleven to receive the equivalent one month of the winnings every year for the duration of our lives," Katniss says.
I'm shocked and so is the audience. But I'm also so grateful to her for expressing something in a tangible way that I should have thought of in the first place. I come up behind her and whisper in her ear. "Thank you."
She smiles and nods, and that's when it happens. From somewhere in the crowd, someone whistles the four note tune that Rue had taught me in the arena. By the end of the tune, I find the whistler, an old man in a faded red shirt and overalls. His eyes meet mine.
What happens next is not an accident. It is too well executed to be spontaneous because it happens in unison. Every person in the crowd presses their three middle fingers of their left hand to their mouth and extends them to me. It's our sign from District Twelve, the last goodbye I gave Rue.
The moment should have moved me to tears, but with President Snow's words ring in my ear and I know he will only see it as an act of defiance.
The full impact of what Katniss and I have done hits me. It was not intentional, and yet it somehow elicited something dangerous. But before I can say something to negate what had just happened, there's a round of applause and we're ushered back into the building.
"Are you alright?" Katniss asks.
We would be safe inside the Justice Building now if I hadn't stopped, but instead, we see everything from the dark shade of the verandah.
A pair of Peacekeepers dragging the old man who whistled to the top of the steps. Forcing him to his knees before the crowd. And putting a bullet through his head.
The man has only just fallen to the ground when Peacekeepers block our view, using their rifles to push us back inside.
"We're going!" I say, shoving the Peacekeeper who's pressing on Katniss "We get it, alright!" I encircle her waist, pulling her along, not stopping until we're safely in the building.
"W-what…?" Katniss is near tears, her entire body trembling. "Peeta?"
"What the hell happened?" Haymitch asks. His face morphs into concern when he sees Katniss. "Sweetheart?"
"Nothing Haymitch. A car backfired," I cover quickly. I know by the look in his eyes that he knows I'm lying but I didn't want to scare Effie.
Katniss keeps a death grip on my arm all the way back to the train and it isn't until we're alone again that she breaks down.
"Oh my god," she gasps, falling to the ground. I pull her into my lap and she cries into my shoulder. "Peeta, they killed him!"
"I know." What else is there to say?
Katniss' voice breaks my heart. "It's my fault."
I have to tell her. She wants me to gain her trust, and that means I can't hide this from her. "No, it's mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"Your grandfather mentioned there were…inklings of uprising in the districts. Them seeing us together, the Capitol and the Districts as a united front, was supposed to help negate that."
"And I made it worse by offering them winnings," Katniss cries out. As clueless as she is about most of the world, she has a great political understanding. Or maybe she just knew her grandfather really well. She looks up at me with tear-stained cheeks. "How do we fix this Peeta?"
"I…" I hesitate, because the solution, the only thing that might make a big enough impact to shift the current course of events, is the one thing I had been dreading. "Your grandfather expects us to get married. We could get married."
"Married," Katniss repeats, her voice so small I barely hear her. "And it'll help?"
"I don't know," I admit truthfully. "But I hope so."
"Okay," she says, getting that determined gleam in her eyes. "Okay. Let's get married." She stands and walks to her room without another word.
I should go after her, right? Or maybe I should give her some space? I split the difference and wait about five minutes before going after her.
"Katniss?" I knock on her door but I don't get an answer. I considered going in anyway, but maybe she's fallen asleep.
Instead, I go to the dining car for a glass of water and find Haymitch drinking at the table.
"I would tell you to stay out of any more trouble, but I feel like you'll ignore me about that too," he grumbles when he sees me walking in.
"I didn't mean for that to happen," I weakly defend.
"I know, boy. But you should know he's watching."
"I just…want to be left alone. Haven't I been through enough?" I say.
Haymitch lets out a humorless laugh. "The games were the easy part." He tips his drink to me. "It's never over. The rules just change."
I promise Haymitch and Effie that I'll stick to my cards and I do for the following districts. Katniss seems like the doting and excited girlfriend, standing by my side during every speech, but she never again comes up to the mic. As soon as we're behind closed doors again, the mask slips and she retreats to her room. We don't spend any time together, and it almost feels like the last time we were on the train, only this time, I want her to be around.
I feel like I'm slowly killing her spirit, and that makes me feel worse than Snow ever could. One night, after my speech in District Six, I feel like I've left her alone long enough. I refuse to let her ignore me and suffer in silence any longer.
I go to her room after bidding Effie and Haymitch goodnight. She doesn't answer when I knock as usual, but this time, I don't let that stop me and I push open the door. Katniss sits on her bed in a fetal position staring out the train window as it moves. It's only when I sit next to her and she feels the bed dip that she jumps, finally noticing me.
"Peeta?"
"Katniss…" My hand hovers over hers. "Kat. I'm sorry. Tell me what to do to make it better."
"You're sorry?" Katniss glances up. "For what?"
"Us having to get married."
Katniss blinks. "I thought that's what you wanted."
"It is," I say, surprised by how easily that slips out. "But not like this. You deserve better, to be wooed. Not to be rushed into it to stop a revolution."
"I…Peeta that's not…" Katniss glances towards the window again. "I had a poster of you in my room."
I don't think I heard her correctly. "You what?"
"I know," she lightly laughs. "When I saw you for the first time on the screen, I couldn't help it. I replaced my Finnick poster a few days later."
Finnick O'Dair was known to be the most popular Victor in the Capitol. His looks were admired by both men and women, used for adverts all the time. He was also one of the youngest Victors of the games ever and held the record for the most expensive sponsor gift, a trident, before I had received the medicine.
"All girls have their fantasies of going out with a boy they like, imagine their wedding, whatever," she says, blushing. "What it would be like if they actually met their celebrity crush. For me, that was you. It's silly, but it's not like I had any friends anyway so I spent a lot of time alone, daydreaming." Katniss sits up higher against her headboard and turns to me. "And then I met you in person and you were better than I could have come up with in any of my made up scenarios. You never made me feel dumb, or like a nuisance, even if you were thinking it. "
"And then I fucked it all up," I say with a self deprecating smile.
"It wouldn't have hurt so much coming from anyone else," she admits. "I put you on such a pedestal, of course it was going to feel worse. But since we've been here, hell, even when you said you were just pretending, you still treated me like a human being. Like what I had to say was worth listening to. Which is more than I can say for most people."
"Don't reward me for doing the bare minimum."
Katniss shakes her head. "I'm not. What's my favorite food?"
"Cheese buns," I say without hesitation. "I have some for you later."
She smiles. "What's my favorite color?"
"Green. Dark green. Like the trees."
"My own grandfather doesn't know that. He thinks it's pink."
"You hate pink," I say, remembering the way she cringed when her prep team presented her with a gaudy dress at one of the stops.
"I do. I never thought I'd have any choice in who I married. My grandfather was already looking at possible suitors when you won. But if I did get to choose, I think I would choose someone like you."
"So you're not upset?" I ask.
"Not at all. I could do a lot worse," she says.
"I don't think I could do better," I say. Katniss looks down in embarrassment. "I was worried about you."
"It was just a lot to process. And I just felt so guilty about that man. And how if I never followed you onto the train we could have avoided all of this. Things would still be peaceful."
"I don't know if things were ever peaceful," I say. "It's just a lot easier for it to be hidden behind fancy technology and adequate resources."
"Is it that bad in the districts?" She asks, genuinely concerned.
"Worse. But Katniss, you don't have to struggle alone. We're in this together now."
The silence hangs between us. Eventually, Katniss speaks up again.
"Why did you say that? To Gale," she asks. "I know you said you didn't mean it but those words didn't come from nowhere."
"I guess I was so angry. And part of that was aimed at you simply because you were from the Capitol. Because you viewed our suffering in the games as entertainment. You considered it an honor, but for a kid in the Districts, it was our worst nightmare. After everything I saw in the games, it was hard to not see the Capitol and anyone in it as the enemy," I tell her. Katniss grabs my hand. "I was mad at your grandfather, at you, because the one thing I never wanted was to be a pawn in the Capitol's games and I made it out. I shouldn't have, but I did and that should have been the end. But this felt like another one of his games and I lumped you into that. In reality, you were being used too and I should have seen you as my ally, not my enemy."
Katniss squeezes my hand. "Thank you for telling me."
We're so close, the sides of our bodies touching from shoulder to hip. "I really want to kiss you now," I admit. "But I'm going to wait."
Katniss' eyes dart down. "Why?"
"Because the next time I kiss you, I don't want any part of you to question if it's real," I say, moving from the bed to get up.
"Wait," Katniss says. "Can you stay? I haven't been sleeping well and I feel better when you're here." She looks at me with anticipation, like she knows I won't be able to deny her.
She's right.
I slip under the covers with her and she turns to face me. "Is what Delly said true?" She asks.
"If it's about the squirrel in the bakery that steals cookies, that's a lie. Rye sneaks them for her."
"No," she giggles. "About you hearing me sing."
"Oh. Yeah," I match her smile. "Little Peeta was convinced he was going to marry the girl with the pretty voice. I guess he was right. You said it was for your parents' memorial. You never talk about them."
"I don't remember them much," she admits. "Even when they were still alive I didn't see them much. They were traveling all the time and grandfather doesn't like to talk about them. But I remember when they were home, they spent as much time as they could with me, playing tea parties, doing art projects. They would tell me bedtime stories about princesses who changed the world and made me believe I could do anything. They would always say, 'Katniss, one day you'll have the chance to change the world, for better or for worse. Trust in yourself, even if it doesn't feel like the right thing at the time.' I don't know what they meant, but I guess nobody ever told them I wouldn't live up to those expectations."
"I think you'd make a great leader," I say. I do think that, because Katniss does what's best for everyone else, from the heart. If she can find a way to keep others from suffering, she will. "One day."
"So will you," she says. Off my look, she adds, "You know what happens if we get married, right?"
To be honest, I didn't really think about that. I suppose President Snow can't live forever but it was never talked about what would happen once he did and I was sure he would get rid of anyone who thought to bring it up.
"The thought of being in charge of any part of Panem sounds terrifying," I admit.
"But people would listen," Katniss says, her eyes starting to droop. "Everyone loves you."
She won't be able to stay awake much longer and frankly, neither will I. "Good night. Kat."
"Good night, Peeta," she sighs, scooting closer.
She rests her head on my chest and it feels right. For the first time in weeks, I'm asleep in minutes.