Gosh, despite writing some of this dialogue in advance, it STILL took a while. Thing is I've done this trope so many times, I tried so hard not to make it a repeat of previous fics, in this fandom and others.

Title Song: "Hey, Little Songbird" from "Hadestown."

Screaming, Tina fell backwards as darkness enveloped her bathroom. Something caught her waist and set her upright. She screamed again when she saw it was a long, black tentacle.

"The Devil?"

Someone chuckled. "Close, but not quite."

She looked up to find a pair of red eyes attached to a tall, dark silhouette staring down at her. Thinking this was a burglar, Tina grabbed the nearest object she could use as a weapon. Which happened to be a plunger.

She swung it at the intruder, aiming for the head that held those eyes. But it passed right through, as if the figure, now laughing, were nothing more than a ghost.

"While the effort is admirable, dear, I'm afraid a toilet plunger won't work on me."

Tina dropped the plunger. "I'm dreaming." She cradled her head. "No, I'm hallucinating. I already OD'd and I'm hallucinating!"

"I can assure you, darling," the voice was suddenly at her ear, "what you see before you is quite real."

Hands crept onto her shoulders, their cold, clawlike fingertips pinching her skin. Tina shrieked and jumped out of the intruder's hold, clutching her sore shoulders. That had hurt.

"Shit." She wasn't hallucinating. "This is real."

"Good." The eyes vanished for a moment, as if he'd closed them. "Now that we've established that, let me—hey!"

Tina raced into the living room, where the lights were also off. She didn't get far, as she ran smack into a solid body.

"Apologies, dear." The glowing red eyes towered over her. "Didn't mean to frighten you. I simply wanted to make you aware of what you're dealing with."

She backed away and tripped over her mess of blankets. A hand caught her wrist, an arm ensnaring her waist.

"Must be careful, sweetheart." Lids drooped over the red eyes. "Wouldn't want you to hurt yourself."

Recognition sparked in Tina's brain. Those red eyes. That arm around her. That voice. It was so much clearer now, sounding less like a TV with a bad connection and more like a human being, but it was the very same. The accent was very out of place for the modern world, sounding like an actor from a black and white film. The tone was also upbeat and suave, as if he were charming her on the street rather than breaking into her apartment.

"You…" Tina shivered in his hold. "That was you. In the alley."

The eyes seemed to glow brighter. "You remember!"

"You…you're the one who's been in my apartment, cleaning." There was no other explanation, as everything about this entity's demeanor convinced her this was a ghost, or at least something otherworldly. "Did ya…leave the flowers too?"

"My, my, aren't you the little detective! Guilty as charged." The moment he set her on her feet, she continued backing away. "Does this form make you uncomfortable? I can change, if you like."

There was a whoosh and Tina shielded her eyes as light returned to the apartment.

"Better?"

Blinking, she lowered her hands to finally get a look at the thing that'd shown up out of nowhere. What she saw caused her to blush redder than the roses in her kitchen.

There wasn't any monster or phantom standing before her, but a lanky man at least a foot taller than her. He was dressed like he was going to a work function, formal but casual enough not to be considered stuffy. Black dress shoes, black trousers with red cuffs, a red vest over a high-collared white shirt with a black stripe down the front, sleeves ending at his elbows, and a black bowtie of all things. His light-skinned face would've been a perfect oval if not for the sharp point of his chin. His short brown hair was turned upwards at the front in perfectly coiffed whisps. A pair of round spectacles sat over his red irises.

For a moment, Tina was awestruck. He was quite possibly the handsomest man she'd ever seen. If she'd met this man in a bar, ignoring the off-putting color of his eyes, she might've asked for his number.

Seeing her size him up sent a swell of pride through Alastor's chest. No matter how thick-skinned she was, no woman could resist his human form. Shame the glamor couldn't make his eyes brown like when he was alive, but it seemed to have the desired effect.

He chuckled. "Can't stop staring, can you?"

His speaking snapped her out of her daze. It didn't matter how fine this guy was. He was still an intruder. She used her foot to fish something out from under the couch.

"It's quite understandable that you should be spellbound." He closed his eyes, gesturing to his face with a grin that could rival the Cheshire Cat. "I've been told I'm quite the look—"

His egotistical ranting gave Tina the perfect opportunity to pick up the knife she'd stashed under the couch and stab him in the stomach.

Alastor's eyes popped open at the sudden sharpness in his gut. He stared down at the knife, still in Tina's grip.

"Oh." To both their surprise, he blushed. "Oh."

Not exactly how Alastor had pictured his first conversation with his darling going, but somehow her having the gall and tact to stab him without his noticing made him admire her even more. He knew she was bold, but dear Satan, she had a bit of killer in her. He was definitely making the right choice with her.

"Oh, ho, ho! Nice shot, chère." Gently, Alastor took her wrist and withdrew the knife without so much as a wince. "If I were human, that might've killed me."

Tina watched with her mouth agape as the wound in his stomach rapidly closed up, leaving no bloodstains. Even his vest had no tears to indicate he'd been stabbed in the first place. She dropped the knife, as it was apparently useless.

"What are ya?"

"And there's the question of the night!" Something like a game show bell rang as he summoned a staff headed with a red microphone. "The name, Miss Davis, is Alastor. I'm a demon."

This was normally the time when Alastor would extend his hand for a shake. Instead, he bowed and tenderly took Tina's hand.

"And may I say it's a pleasure…" Alastor shook his head. "No, a privilege to be finally making your acquaintance. Quite a privilege."

With his eyes locked onto hers, he placed the softest of kisses on her hand. Their first skin-to-skin contact sent a jolt of electricity from his lips to his spine. He was glad he'd forgone the gloves for this meeting. Usually, he avoided touching people so directly whenever possible, but the warmth of her hand was so pleasant, he wanted to hold it forever.

Meanwhile, Tina was too stunned to move. From the way he kissed her hand, to the colder than normal temperature of his skin, to his words.

She pulled her hand back, holding it at her chest as if he'd harmed her. "Did…did you say, 'demon?'"

"Correct!"

Another ding went off. Where the fuck are those sounds coming from? Tina glanced at the microphone propped behind his back. One question at time. He just said he's a demon.

"Like," she said cautiously, "Satan?"

Alastor threw back his head in a string of short, haughty laughs that she was sure was performative. "Ha-ha-ha! Satan wishes he could be me."

He didn't look like a demon. If he hadn't teleported all around her apartment and instantly healed his stab wound, she would've thought him just a run-of-the-mill, home-invading lunatic. Even the red irises could be attributed to contacts.

So, it hadn't been a ghost messing with Tina, but a demon. She felt she should be freaking out more, but what more could she do? Conventional weapons didn't work on him. If she called the police, they'd think she was crazy. If he hadn't already proven he wasn't a hallucination, she would think herself crazy too.

Somehow, knowing what he was made the situation a tad easier to swallow. It certainly explained all the strange things that'd been happening to her recently. Except for the question of why a demon was following her around in the first place. Old Sunday School fears rekindled at the possibilities, overwhelming her so much that her legs gave out and she landed on the couch.

"Is…is this because I tried to kill myself? Damn." She stared at her trembling hands, which only a few minutes ago had held enough antidepressants to put her in a coma. "Suicide really is a sin."

"Yes, but thankfully I stopped you from making such a foolish mistake." He invited himself beside her, crossing his legs and leaning in like a teenage girl at a slumber party. "See, suicides are considered the weakest of sinners in Hell. So self-destructive and unwilling to stand up for themselves. They rarely make it past Extermination Day."

She had no idea what he was talking about. "Why? How? Why're ya in my apartment?"

He scooted closer, eyelids drooping as he focused on her. The way he towered over her even while sitting was intimidating. He had to be at least seven feet tall.

"I've been watching you for some time, Tina."

She leaned back over the armrest, hating that she'd been right. "So, you're a demon and a stalker."

"More like a guardian angel." He snorted. "So to speak. Surely you recall the strange men approaching you recently, only to be diverted by some unusual happenstance. Such as a stray newspaper, a spilt coffee?"

She stood when he got too close. "That was you too?"

"Yes, indeedy!" He folded his hands onto his lap. "You're welcome, by the way!"

She'd thought those occurrences had been weird, but hadn't connected them to the flowers or the rescue from Ethan. The demon explanation made sense for the supernatural nature of it all, but at the same time didn't, because demons, from what she understood from Sunday School, didn't help people for free.

"Why?" she asked. "Why do any of that for me?"

"Because you looked like you needed someone on your side." Alastor softened his tone as he rose to his feet. "As I've said, I've been watching you. And what I see, I find admirable…and pitiful."

Tina's apprehension quickly turned into annoyance. "Excuse me?"

"I admire you for your spirit, your talent, your passion," the slight growl on the last word caused her to shiver, "but I also pity you because such virtues are wasted on…this."

He gestured around her apartment.

Scowling, Tina placed her hands on her hips. "This your idea of a compliment?"

"I'm simply stating the facts." He began circling her. "You could be a star, an inspiration for the masses, anything you set your mind to. Instead, you're dancing half-naked at a tacky strip club in front of strangers who see you as nothing more than a sexual stimulus."

Hypocritically, at the last statement, his fingers brushed against her hair. Tina swatted at his hand, and he retracted it with a closed-lipped smile. That smile had yet to drop, making it difficult for her to determine his mood. Most men would get angry at her retaliation, but when she met his eyes, she was surprised to find they weren't glaring. Rather, his pupils, covered halfway by his eyelids, seemed to dilate as they fell on her.

She glanced away, trying not to read too much into it. "Burlesque ain't the same as a strip club. It's an art form."

Alastor snorted. "No one goes to a burlesque for the art." He hummed in thought. "Well, except me, perhaps."

Tina remembered when she'd tripped onstage, and feeling someone catch her. Just how long had this guy been stalking her? Coming to the club to watch her perform. She self-consciously covered her body, wondering if he'd also watched her change. He must've, as he was a man. And most men, in her experience, were perverts.

She had no means of defending herself. No holy water, crucifixes, wooden stakes, or whatever hurt demons. But that didn't mean she was going to give this asshole the satisfaction of watching her crumble into a state of helplessness.

"So, what? Ya came here just to tell me how pathetic my life is?" She poked him in the chest. "News flash, pal, I already know that. Why do ya think I had the fucking pills?"

The jerk had the nerve to blush when her finger touched his chest. Pervert. Definitely a pervert.

"I came here to make a suggestion. A…proposal, if you will." Alastor chuckled at his private joke. "If you're willing to throw your life away so callously, you might as well put it where it could be of some use."

Tina blinked at the strange, ambiguous wording. "Huh?"

"In other words, I can help you put it to good use." He showed his gleaming white teeth. "If you're willing to make a deal."

Alastor extended his hand, and Tina scowled. "Do I look stupid to you?"

"Not at all." He retracted his hand to wave it dismissively. "I trust you're intelligent enough to hear my offer before shutting me down completely. Especially when it might benefit you greatly."

Yeah, right. Tina had seen enough movies to guess where this was going. A demon makes a deal with a human, promising immense wealth or power over the world or something dumb like that, the human thinks selling their soul is worth it, but then after getting their wish, something happens like the money runs out within a week or they're assassinated by rebels. If movies were anything like reality, whatever this demon had to offer would require a hefty price.

But what could she do? She couldn't hurt the bastard. He clearly had some kind of magic that helped him teleport or made him invisible. If she ran, he'd eventually catch up to her.

"You ain't leavin' till I hear this, are ya?"

Alastor chuckled. "You can try screaming for help, but I've soundproofed the room."

Then there really was no way out of this.

"Fine." She crossed her arms. "But I ain't promisin' nothing."

Not yet you are. Alastor straightened his bowtie as he began the spiel he'd practiced a hundred times for this moment. If he pressed her too harshly, she might grow warier of him. This was his one shot. It had to be perfect.

First, entice her with the offer. "I can help improve your state of living."

She raised a skeptical eyebrow. "How?"

"Depends on what you want, sweetheart." Clients were often put at ease when given choices, causing them to believe the deal was their idea. "Fame, fortune, love?"

He was taking a gamble with these options. Fame might require him to wait a while before calling in his favor, but that was a small sacrifice he was prepared to make. At least then she would be tied to him, and he wouldn't have to worry about her going to Heaven, or worse, finding someone else.

Tina rolled her eyes at the cliché choices. "I gave up on all that long ago."

He leaned on his cane. "It's never too late."

Especially where love was concerned. He wondered if she'd understood the meaning behind his flowers.

"Whatever it is you desire, chère," he said, placing a fist over his chest with a bow, "I'm ready and willing to give it to you."

She tilted her head. "Anything?"

"Anything."

He meant it too. This was the first time the Radio Demon had felt so much as a spark of attraction towards another person. He certainly wasn't going to let it fizzle out. This woman could command him to crawl on a bed of sharp angelic steel and he would do so gladly if it meant spending another minute in her presence.

He waited for Tina's request, hoping what she wanted would work in his favor. But then she turned her back on him.

"I don't want anything."

Alastor's smile shrank. He hadn't expected that.

"Oh, come now." He laughed to mask his shock. "Everyone wants something."

"I don't."

"Really?" He slinked into her view. "Because from where I'm standing, you have no family, no friends, you're harassed by lecherous men almost every day, no one takes your opinions seriously, your living quarters are insufficient, and your career has hit rock bottom. Most people in your position, Miss Davis, would jump at the chance of having their wildest dreams granted by someone like me."

Her back was to him again. Of course, she was a stubborn woman. One of the many things Alastor adored about her. But this also meant he had to change tactics. He resorted to his usual one when clients became indecisive. Playing hardball.

"I'm a very busy demon, you know?" He examined his fingernails. "I don't make an offer like this to just anyone."

This part was true. The Radio Demon had definitely never made a deal like this before.

"Of course, I have other calls to make, errands to run, clients to satisfy. So, I would rethink your desires, darling, and soon. I haven't got all night."

He did, but she didn't know that.

Tina clenched her arms, urging herself not to give in. This demon was a smooth talker. Unfortunately, she'd dealt with too many of those already.

Still, a part of her was at least curious about what he could do for her. But there really was nothing she wanted. She'd tried for fame and fortune, already made metaphorical deals with devils to get there, but it'd all come crashing down. Love was a goal that seemed even further out of reach. When men looked at her, all they saw was a piece of ass to be taken advantage of. She was a woman to have a fling with, not marry and have kids with.

Even if the demon could get those impossible things for her, they didn't appeal to her anymore. The thrill of achieving either one of those goals would be fleeting, as there would always be someone out there seeking to bring her down. For one of many reasons.

Tina's heart felt heavy at the realization of what she really wanted.

"I just…wanna not be judged." She hung her head. "Not for my skin, not for my gender, not for my mistakes. That's all I want. To be free from judgment."

"Is that all?" Alastor straightened up and twirled his cane. "Consider it done!"

She faced him. "Just like that?"

Was that even possible? Judgmental people were everywhere. Did a demon really have the power to eradicate judgment from the entire world? For one sliver of a moment, she wondered if this offer was worth taking.

"Well, I do require," he said, holding up a finger, "one thing in return."

There it was. She sighed, prepared to reject him.

"Whaddya want? My soul?"

"Ha! Souls are a dime a dozen in my line of work! No." Alastor's fingers crawled along his staff. "What I want is something a bit more…precious."

The way he looked at her was so intense, Tina had to bite her tongue to keep herself from squeaking. Of course, what else would a man want from her? The thought scared her, but she refused to show it.

"My virginity?" She scoffed. "Cuz you're about fifteen years too late."

He held his stomach as he burst out laughing. "Heavens, no! Nothing so nefarious as that!" He wiped away a tear. "Ah, what a delightfully morbid sense of humor you have, chère!"

Tina blinked in confusion. If he didn't want her soul or virginity, then what else? Was this a Rumpelstiltskin situation?

"If it's my first-born child ya want, that ain't gonna happen."

Not if it meant suffering heartbreak again.

"My, you really are assuming the worst of me, aren't you?" Alastor shrugged. "Suppose I can't blame you for that. No, no, no. My price, in fact, aligns with your desire more perfectly than I could've guessed!"

"Why?" This conversation was becoming more bewildering by the second. "What is it?"

This was it. The moment he'd waited so patiently for.

He made his staff vanish into his shadow, hoping it would make him appear less intimidating. Behind his back, a small, red velvet box materialized in his hand. He couldn't help the giddiness in his grin as he approached her. He reached out, but she stepped back.

Then he fell to one knee, his height so grand that he was at her eyelevel. When he produced the box from behind his back, Tina balled her hands at her chest.

"All I ask for, Tina Eartha Davis," his voice took on a gentler lilt as he took her hand, "is your hand in marriage."

He flicked the box open to reveal a star cut ruby ring with a gold band. Tina's jaw dropped at the ring, at the fact that he'd said her full name, and at his request.

"What's that now?"

Violin music seemed to emanate from nowhere. "Watching you suffer this miserable life breaks my heart, darling. I can take you away from here, give you a proper home where you'll be free from judgment, because I do not judge you at all. Far from it." He kissed her hand, closing his eyes as he let his lips linger against her knuckles. "And all you have to do is call me your husband."

What kind of messed up Disney movie had Tina walked into? This was like Beauty and the Beast meets The Princess and the Frog, with a white version of Dr. Facilier trying to coerce her into marriage. As if a demon invading her home wasn't unbelievable enough.

She pulled her hand from Alastor's grasp. "You for real? I don't even know ya."

"Oh," he said, catching her arm before she could move any further away, "there will be plenty of time for us to get properly acquainted once we're in Hell."

"Hell?" She wriggled, but his grip was strong. "You…wanna take me to Hell?"

"Of course!" He sounded proud. "That's where my home is!"

Tina scowled. "Well what's the point of this if I was gonna kill myself to Hell anyways?"

"Because this way you won't have to go through the painful trouble!" He tugged her closer so their noses touched. "And Hell is full of unsavory creatures. You'll have me to protect you. I have a powerful position down there, as well as a luxurious estate." He closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against hers. "You will be well taken care of."

She recoiled in disgust. "What is this? The Middle Ages? I'm not takin' a demon for a Sugar Daddy."

The violin music came to an abrupt halt. While Alastor had expected resistance on her part, the flat-out rejection still stung. He couldn't blame her, of course. He may have come to know her in the last two months, but to her, he was a complete stranger. She didn't understand the depths of his love, the lengths he would go for her. Hell, what he was proposing was technically illegal. Even he'd wondered if he was being too hasty foregoing the traditional courtship rituals and jumping straight into marriage.

But this was the only way he could fulfill his deal with Carrie without sentencing Tina to a life with another man who wouldn't appreciate her. Yes, dragging her to literal Hell would make her miserable to an extent, but less miserable than she'd be with someone else. At least with him, she would be truly loved. And if she were bound to him, it would reduce the chances of other demons coming for her.

Alastor wasn't giving up. He'd dealt with difficult clients before. They all came around eventually, and so would she, once he convinced her this was her best and only option.

Stretching his grin, he snapped the ring box shut, released her and stood. "You are free to sell me your soul instead. It will become mine upon your death, which I imagine won't be too far off if you stick with your original plan."

He ran a finger under her chin, tilting it upwards. "Of course, it would be more dignifying to have you as my wife rather than my slave."

The way he emphasized both words made neither option sound promising.

"Either way," Alastor said, dramatically spreading his arms out at their surroundings, "it'll be a step up from the life you have now. If you can even call it a life." He opened the box again. "Should you choose to accept my proposal, know that with it, I will make a solemn vow to treat you like royalty." Once again, his voice softened as he held her gaze. "I will not raise my hand towards you, nor force myself upon you. You've encountered enough men like that already. I will do everything in my power to become the husband you want and deserve."

He sounded so sincere. If this were a man she'd dated and gotten to know over a long period of time, Tina might've said yes right away. But he was a stranger, a stalker, a demon. None of his words made sense.

"W-Why? Y-You could do what your promise just by askin' for my soul, right? Why ask me to marry ya?" Bile caught in her throat as an unsettling idea occurred to her. "God, do ya go round collectin' unsuspectin' women for some kinda sick harem or something?"

"Oh, ho, darling, you are a riot!" He slapped his knee. "Like I said, this isn't an offer I make with just anyone. You would be the first. And only, I should hope."

This confused her even more. "I still don't get it. Why do ya wanna marry me?"

Alastor tilted his head, wondering why this was so hard for her to understand. Then he realized in his haste to propose, he'd left out one crucial little detail. He'd assumed that part to be obvious, but it seemed she wasn't catching on.

"Mon amour." He shook his head, gesturing to the bouquets on the kitchen counter. "Why do you think?"

Tina turned to the flowers, the meanings behind each of them coming to mind. His calling her "mon amour" also reminded her of the card that had been attached to the most recent bouquet.

She might faint from this never-ending series of shocks. "Ya can't be serious."

"Can't I?" Alastor reached out to cup her cheek. "You're a very endearing woman. Is it so difficult to believe that I should fall for you?"

To her, it was. Because no one could ever fall in love with Tina. There was only one thing men wanted from her.

"You're not in love with me." She brushed his hand away. "Whatever ya think ya feel, that ain't it."

Alastor raised an eyebrow. "What else could it be?"

For a moment, he considered if he'd been wrong about his emotions.

She gestured to her body. "Lust?"

He snorted, realizing she was the one in denial, not him. "I'm more guilty of pride and wrath." He rubbed his chin. "Maybe gluttony."

There had to be another reason he wanted her specifically. There were other women at the burlesque, younger and skinnier. Surely he'd seen them too. Candy might find the idea of becoming a demon's bride kinky. Why was this demon singling Tina out?

Going over his earlier speech about him stalking her, she furrowed her brow and crossed her arms.

"I get it." She clutched at her sleeves. "Ya've seen how pathetic I am, so ya think I'm an easy target."

Of course, how could anyone see her as anything more?

"Oh, sweetheart." Alastor's breath tickled her ear as he suddenly appeared behind her. "You're far from an 'easy target.'"

Before she could step away, he snagged her shoulders. "I may have assisted you with some of those accosters, but you overpowered half of them with your sheer will alone. Hell," he said with a guffaw, "when a shadowy being appeared in your home, your first instinct was to stab him in the gut! It may have been ineffective, but your fierce actions prove you are more than the average damsel in distress."

Tina's face grew hot as his arms encircled her, trapping her in an embrace. "No, I don't want to marry you because you're an 'easy target.' I want to marry you because you are quite possibly the most remarkable being I've ever encountered in all the realms." He combed his fingers through her hair. "And I've been around for a long, long time."

Every instinct was screaming at her to kick him, punch him, do something to get him to release her. But his words made her pause. Men had called her many things in trying to seduce her: beautiful, gorgeous, hot. Remarkable was a new one.

So far, Alastor had yet to comment on her appearance. He'd praised her humor, talent, and strong will, but not her appearance. It was…oddly refreshing. The way he was stroking her hair and running his hand up and down her arm was gentle and almost soothing. And weirdness aside, he was actually pretty handsome.

Fuck am I seriously considering this insane offer? She couldn't. She'd been through this song and dance before. Even if this was marriage he was proposing, the end result was always her on her backside. She had to tread carefully with him.

"And," she tested, "what exactly are you expectin' from me in this…marriage?"

Probably an excuse to bang me every day, she assumed.

Alastor paused in his stroking. "Nothing."

She turned her head with wide eyes. "Nothing?"

"Well," he said, brushing his fingers against her cheek, "only that you remain faithful to me for the rest of your natural days and beyond." His face flushed as he glanced to the side, pulling at his collar. "And perhaps, in time, you may learn to…reciprocate my affections?"

That sheepish look melted through her skepticism. Slightly. Tina still doubted this demon was legitimately in love with her, but he certainly believed himself to be. That was probably more dangerous than him lusting after her.

"And," she said, stepping out of his hold, "if I never do?"

If this demon could hurl a grown man effortlessly against a brick wall, she dreaded what he might do to a woman who didn't return his feelings.

A flicker of sadness crossed Alastor's features, but he hid it with his smile as he straightened up. "Then I hope you will at least come to tolerate me. Just having you by my side will be enough."

He wanted to say more. That he loved her to the point that he couldn't go a day without seeing her. That he would tear down his home and rebuild it in the way she desired. That he would slaughter every person who ever harmed her, consequences be damned. But he didn't want to risk scaring her off.

The conflict was still stirring in her eyes, but she wasn't shouting at him or recoiling in disgust. His love confession must've worn her down a little. He was so close to locking her down. If his feelings weren't enough to convince her, perhaps the practicality of this offer would.

"Whether you wish for our relationship to be romantic or not," Alastor said, summoning his cane, "you will still have the privilege of living in my comfortable, expensive home. Not to mention you'll have a powerful demon at your disposal who can grant your every wish with a snap of the fingers. Literally! Be it new clothes!"

To demonstrate, he snapped his fingers and Tina's baggy pajamas transformed into a red, 1920s flapper dress. She covered her body as if the sudden change had violated her.

"Jewels!" Another snap made a ruby necklace appear on her. "The finest food!"

A wave of his hand at the coffee table conjured a miniature banquet. Tina was too flabbergasted to examine all the food, but she glimpsed a bowl of beignets and a shrimp cocktail.

"And just think!" A final snap and everything was reverted to normal. "With me providing everything, you'll never have to work another day in your life! Which means you won't have to subject yourself to any more sexual deviants!"

Except you, Tina thought. "But I'd be in Hell."

"An eternity in Hell is a small price to pay if it means being forever pampered and adored!" He leaned onto his cane. "Though, let's be honest here, darling, considering your life as it is, what have you to lose?"

Her mouth hung open, wordless. What did she have to lose? Of course, she'd answered that question moments ago when she'd almost killed herself. There was nothing tying her to this life, but did that mean her only other option was marrying a demon?

Then again, if she was headed to Hell anyway, it might be a good idea to have an ally. He seemed powerful enough to protect her from other demons.

She couldn't believe she was selling her dignity again. But at least this guy was asking for marriage and not a one-night stand. Sure, it meant she would have to, at some point, have sex with him, but the more she looked over that tall, lithe body, the more she wondered if that would really be so terrible.

Alastor, taking her silence as another rejection, sighed and turned his back to her. "Of course, this is a life-changing decision with major consequences."

"Okay."

"I understand if you need time to collect your—pardon?" He whirled his head around, his body following shortly after. "What was that?"

"I'll do it," she murmured, keeping her gaze on the floor. "I'll marry ya."

"You will?" His shocked expression was quickly erased by an ecstatic grin. "You will?"

"Yeah." Tina shrugged. "Why not?"

This was probably the dumbest thing she was ever going to do, but she didn't care anymore.

Alastor was over the moon. He'd thought it would take more to persuade her, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. He wanted to snatch her hand and pull her into a victory dance, but he composed himself. It wouldn't do for him to lose himself in his emotions now. Her verbal agreement wasn't enough to seal the deal.

"I knew you'd see it my way, darling! So!" He returned to his knee, replacing his staff with the open ring box. "Shall we try this again?"

Sighing, Tina plucked the ruby ring out of the box and slid it onto her finger. She had to give credit where it was due. It was a nice ring. And a perfect fit.

"So, that it?" She held up her hand so the ring was at his eye level. "We married now?"

"Oh, ho, no, darling." Alastor wagged a finger. "Every marriage ceremony involves vows of some sort. And a deal of this caliber will require more than a simple shaking of the hand."

With another snap, he produced the kitchen knife she'd stabbed him with earlier. Showing all his teeth, he raised the knife to his right hand. He didn't even flinch as he slashed his palm. Maintaining eye contact, he handed her the knife, which was still dripping with his blood.

Tina wanted to hurl. "You're kidding."

"To seal our bond, our blood must mix," Alastor explained. "What? You were willing to overdose on pills, but a small cut on your hand makes you squeamish?"

Rolling her eyes, Tina accepted the knife. She gritted her teeth as she slid the blade along her own right palm. It stung, but she was already numb from the meaningless reality of her life.

"Perfect," Alastor purred.

Taking the knife from her, he set it down on the coffee table, then clasped his bleeding hand in hers. His skin was cold, but his blood was warm and sticky.

"Now repeat after me." He spoke slowly and clearly for her benefit. "I, Tina Eartha Davis…"

Deciding there was no going back now, she took a deep breath. "I, Tina Eartha Davis…"

"Pledge my heart and soul to thee…"

"Pledge my heart and s-soul to thee…"

Green light sparked between their palms. Before she could ask about it, he squeezed her hand harder and continued with the vows.

"Alastor Emile Hartfelt…"

A snort of laughter escaped her. "Emile?"

He scowled. "Just say it."

"Sorry." She bit back her amusement over his full name. "Alastor Emile Hartfelt…"

His gaze relaxed. "And promise to fulfill the role of thy loyal, loving wife…"

"And promise to fulfill the role of thy loyal, loving w-wife…"

The green light in their palms shone brighter, as if they were holding a Christmas bulb.

"In life," Alastor continued, the green glow making his grin even eerier, "and in death."

"In life and in," she paused to gulp, "death."

"Excellent! And I, Alastor Emile Hartfelt," he whispered, pulling her closer, his eyes boring into hers as he recited his part, "pledge my heart and body to thee, Tina Eartha Davis…"

She raised an eyebrow at the difference in his vow. Why did he switch out "soul" for "body?" She blushed at the implication. I knew it. It's always about sex with guys like him.

It didn't matter. She'd already agreed to go through with this.

"And promise to fulfill the role of thy loyal, loving husband." He raised their joined hands to his lips and kissed her knuckles, their mingled blood smearing on his mouth, which he, to her disgust, promptly licked clean. "For the rest of my existence."

The green light burst from their hands, forcing Tina to shield her eyes with her free hand, a gust of wind blowing her hair back. Shapeless specters surrounded her, wailing as if in warning. She squinted as the light formed a ribbon, wrapping around her wrist and Alastor's, binding them together for all eternity. A sudden emptiness overtook Tina's chest, as if the vow had literally taken her soul away. Another flash of green light and the wounds on their hands disappeared, along with the pain.

"Yes, yes, yes!" Without releasing her hand, Alastor pulled Tina into an embrace and whirled her around the room. "Ha-ha-ha! At last! You have no idea how torturous it was, waiting for you!"

Despite his skinniness, Alastor sure was strong. His hold was so tight, she was certain he was going to crush her ribs. What the hell did I just do?

He leaned down, his breath hot on her ear. "I'm going to make you so happy, darling."

Hehe, snuck some "Beetlejuice" in there at the end, didn't I?