I still love you
What can you say to something like that? Isn't there only one possible answer: I love you too? But what if you can't make yourself say that? What if you're not quite there yet? What if just thinking about saying those words again, to anyone, feels like a dagger through your chest?
After staring at Eli's confession on the screen for an eternity, Sky simply replied, Thank u, for telling me, and put away her phone, knowing she wouldn't be able to sleep that night. But sleep found her almost instantly and she slept better than she had in weeks, in months, surely better than she had ever since Cody had died.
No nightmares troubled her that night.
But the next morning she began thinking about Eli's text again, and her chest ached so that it was difficult to keep her breakfast down.
He still loved her, or at least that's what he said.
His words felt like the truth. Surely he wouldn't lie about something like that, not after everything they had been through. Surely this wasn't just some kind of a sick game to hurt her again.
Sky wanted to believe he meant it. That he had told her because he wanted her to know where he stood. To put the ball in her court.
Too bad that Sky had no idea what to do with that figurative ball. She didn't exactly feel like she could keep any more balls in the air. Her hands were too full as it was.
But—
Don't I still love him too? Did I ever stop?
That thought was painful, it was too big and too full of sharp edges for her to handle.
I suppose I do love him. I have, ever since the chemistry classroom, the Halloween dance, the kiss in his room when he was just Eli, and I was just me, before everything went wrong between us.
That was the truth, whether she wanted to think about it or not. But at the same time - oh, so many things had gone wrong, so horribly wrong, oh so many times. She couldn't go back, no matter how much she wanted to. They were different people than they had been back then. She had loved him and trusted him, and he had hurt her time and time over, and the last time wasn't even that long ago. He had stopped talking to her when she had needed his support more than ever, and whatever reason he gave her for doing that, it still hurt. Maybe he had changed, but maybe he hadn't, and—
And then there was Cody's death.
Oh God, would that pain ever go away? It was a constant heavy, crushing weight on Sky's chest, still just as suffocating and raw as two months ago when she had thrown herself at him, buried her hands in his bloodied hair, and seen the light go out in his eyes. She could still smell the salty scent of the tears that rolled down his burning cheeks, and the coppery tang of his blood coated her tongue.
No.
No, there was no space in her heart for anyone. Not yet. Not as long as every time she closed her eyes, she saw Cody. He still gripped her heart in his ghost fingers, and the space where love could exist inside of her chest was still filled with sharp, piercing pain. There was no room for love there. Sky didn't know if there ever would be.
Of course, it would have been fair to tell Eli just that, instead of saying thank u, but maybe he got the message anyway. His confession of love in her inbox, silent and kind, was soon buried under other messages of more urgent matters.
He didn't bring the subject up again.
Still, on the following days when the whole world seemed to be rearranging itself around what had happened, Sky was happy they had had that conversation.
Even with her broken heart and her lack to form an adequate response, the words they had written to each other that night, had cleared the air between them. It was almost easy to meet Eli in the school that next Monday, to talk to him, to exist in the same space with him again without wanting to rip the heart out of her chest and set it on fire. It hadn't been like that between them, in a long, long time. And there was comfort in his presence, comfort, and warmth, something that felt almost like—
Almost like coming home after a long, exhausting journey.
Still, even with this newly found peace, those first days back in school were rough.
Sky didn't know who had talked. The girls assured it wasn't them, and Sky knew in her heart that Eli had kept his mouth shut too— and yet, somehow, everyone seemed to know what had happened, or at least some version of it.
Kyler was gone, and he had left a rotting hole behind, a shape around which his peers circled like hungry vultures, greedy for any gossip they could find. During the next week, Sky heard at least a dozen versions of what had gone down, but they all had two things in common. Firstly - in every version of the story, Kyler had done something disgusting and had been arrested. Secondly - Sky was somehow involved in what had gone down.
She didn't admit to anything. It had been her attorney's advice, but it wasn't like she really needed him to tell her that. It was bad enough that people gossiped. The only thing that would be worse, was if they knew the truth. Sky did not doubt that Kyler's Cobra Kai gang would skin her alive if they were sure it was her who was behind this.
Her friends seemed to realize that too. There was safety in numbers, and none of them walked the halls alone or sat at lunch without each other's company. It was a tight group now, and much like the old days - Sam and Yas, Miguel and Demetri, Eli and Sky. Moon was with them most days now too, and Sky welcomed her presence full-heartedly.
Is it all true? About Kyler? Moon asked, with wide, horrified eyes that first day back in school. And to her, Sky had trusted the whole story. Screw the advice of her attorney - Sky could keep her mouth shut with everyone else, but friends were different. Moon deserved the truth, so Sky told her.
At least Moon stopped talking about forgiveness and how they all should be friends again. Apparently, being a sadistic rapist was enough to make even Moon decide someone was beyond redemption.
But one of Sky's friends was gone, and her absence felt like a raw wound in her heart.
Devon.
She never came back to school after that day.
Sky tried calling her, texting her, sending her emails— she even went to her house one day after school, but it was surrounded by thick, tall fences and no one would open the gate, so in the end she had to give up and go home with a heavy heart.
After a week, an email arrived.
Hi,
I'm sorry I've been MIA. My parents took away my phone, and my laptop. I'm using a computer in the school library. Oh, which school, you're asking? My new one. Yeah, you read that right. My parents said I've brought shame to the whole family and made me change schools. And Dad says that we are moving too.
It's so ridiculous. I've brought shame to the family? As if it wasn't Kyler who did that, not me. But try telling that to my parents. It seems that to them, boys will be boys. And I should have just kept quiet.
Anyway, this sucks. I hate it here. And I miss you, and the dojo, and everything. But I don't regret what we did. I hear Kyler's gonna go to jail, and that's all that matters. I know he's going there for assaulting all those girls, but I feel like we're finally getting some revenge for Cody too. Kyler got him killed, you know, and he should pay for it.
Gotta go now. I'll write again. And I guess we'll see again, maybe at the trial? I want to be there when Kyler gets What's coming for him, and I know you do too.
Tell Sensei I'm sorry. I didn't want to quit karate, and I feel like a traitor for not fighting for the team at the All Valley, but it is what it is.
Love, Devon.
Reading that email made Sky cry. Had she known that Devon would be sent away for this, she never would have agreed to steal Kyler's laptop in the first place. Yes, she wanted Kyler gone, but Losing Devon because of that—? It almost wasn't worth it. They had only been friends for a short time, but it had been intense. Sky missed her, and she knew she would for a long time.
But at least Devon was not dead, like Kat was - and Luke, and Cody. She was still out there, and maybe one day they would meet again. Maybe one day Devon's parents would see that their daughter was a fucking hero, and let her come back to West Valley High, and to Eagle Fang.
Still, it wasn't the same without her, the school, or the dojo. And now Eagle Fang stood no chance of winning the All Valley since they had no girl to compete in the girls' division. Sky felt like crap just thinking about it. The pressure was on her again - even if Johnny didn't say it out loud. She knew he hoped that she would magically bounce back from her injuries, much like Miguel had, and renew her championship at the tournament.
Which would never happen.
She had been training hard all this spring, but the progress was slow. All of her willpower had been focused on the plot to bring down Kyler, and little had been left for school or karate. The best she could do for the tournament was maybe to get a couple of points from the skills competition - if all went well and she didn't stab herself with the sai - and then hope that Miguel could take the boys' title.
Still, even if her physique was weak, doing karate had helped her these past months. It might just have been the thing that had kept her sane. Training with Johnny, Miggy, and Devon had been hard in the best way. Every time she left the dojo, she was exhausted, her legs were trembling, her heartbeat singing in her ears, her clothes soaked with her sweat. When she was training, she could only concentrate on that exact moment, in the movements of her body, in the ache of her muscles. It erased the heavy weight off her chest and every other thought from her mind, offering her at least some escape from the depression, the anxiety, and the anger she otherwise felt all the time.
The other thing that had helped her these past couple of months, was the grief group.
She had continued going, every week, skipping even karate on Thursday afternoons so that she could attend. Many people had stopped after the first couple of weeks, but Yasmine remained, and so did Tom. And Caleb, the kid who had lost his little brother in the car accident. Some other kids came and went - people had all kinds of sorrows and losses it turned out, big and small, new ones and old ones. Some healed faster, some slower. Some people only needed to come to the meeting once and never come back, but Sky, Tom, Yas, and Caleb came every week.
After the meeting, they often left together, went to grab a bite or some drinks, or just to hang out.
There was safety in that small circle. To be with people who knew how it felt to lose everything, and still choose to live. They knew how it felt to walk around all day, every day, with a hole in your chest. Only people who have been through the same could understand how that felt, and maybe that was the reason why Caleb, one night after the meeting when they were having pizza in his kitchen, suggested that they all go to the prom together.
That conversation had started at the meeting earlier that night. Tom had pointed out that he still thought the school should cancel the prom. He couldn't believe everyone was just going to dance and party and have fun when Cody was dead. Cody, who no doubt would have been the prom King this year.
In her heart Sky felt the same, but still—
Life goes on, she had said to Tom. It must. We can't ask everyone to stop living because he's gone. Cody wouldn't want that. He would want you to go to the prom and have the best night of your life.
Right, Tom had replied, his voice oozing with sarcasm. As if I could have fun at a party without him.
When they were gathered around a box of pepperoni pizza later that night, Caleb brought the topic up again.
I can't imagine going with anyone else but you guys, he said, dangling a piece of pizza in his long, graceful fingers. So, I don't know, maybe we should just go together?
It felt like such a natural thing to do, that Sky said yes without a moment's hesitation. They all did, even Tom. All except Yas, who pointed out that she in fact was dating someone unlike the rest of them, and if it wasn't for her father's wedding in Sydney, she would have gone to the prom with Demetri, not with this bunch of losers. But there was no bite in her words, and Sky could tell she would have liked to go with them if she could have.
Sky would have wanted that too.
They had come a long way with Yas: from being friends the first couple of weeks when Sky had first started at the All Valley, to being sworn enemies and fighting in the school, then being awkward friends again through Demetri, and now something more than that, something Sky never would have thought possible, almost like sisters. They were now connected not only through the grief group but also through the Order of the Phoenix, as Sky still liked to think about their secret society, even if it was dead and buried now.
The truth was that Yas had somehow become one of her closest friends. They had made a habit of going to the nail salon together every two weeks and to Sky's surprise, that helped her almost as much as the grief group or karate.
It was Yas who had really been there for her these past months. She was the one who had told her repeatedly to start living again, that she deserved to be happy, that she needed to let go of the grief, that she should start wearing pink again because black made her look like a fucking corpse. And it was Yas, who told her to keep her chin up and look like a queen when she went back to school that next Monday after Kyler had been arrested.
Look like nothing can touch you, Yas texted her the night before. And then nothing will.
That was probably the best piece of advice anyone had given her in a long time, and Sky took it to heart. Yas was right. She couldn't let this destroy her. The shame wasn't hers, and she would shed it like a snake sheds its old skin.
She started wearing her old clothes again, the ones that felt like armor - fierce, strong, and impenetrable. Some armor it was - made of short skirts, pink blouses and knee-high socks, Hello Kitty prints and sparkly earrings— Hell, she would have started walking on high heels again too, had her health allowed - but at least she had her glitter covered sneakers and pink Converse high tops that she had kept hidden in the attic for months, ever since Cody had died.
Bringing all that color back to her life was the hardest thing. There was such safety in the black, baggy clothes, there was a strange comfort in her mourning attire— and letting go of them was scary as fuck. But she did it anyway, and for the first time since forever, since breaking up with Hawk, since going to the rehab, since watching Luke die, since Cody's blood on her hands— for the first time since all that she walked through the front doors of the school wearing pink from head to toe, keeping her head high.
Maybe Yas was right. Maybe there was still something worth living for.
It wasn't just her friends, who told her that. There was Dad too, and without his support, Sky never would have made it.
The distance that had grown between them during the past months was gone as if it had never existed at all. Now Sky could barely remember why she had thought Dad didn't love her anymore, why she had been so angry with him, so disappointed.
After Dad had found out about the laptop, everything had changed. Sky honestly believed he had called the lawyer and the police not only to make sure Kyler went to jail, but also to stop himself from going to his house and ripping him apart— and for that, Sky loved him fiercely.
Seeing his barely contained rage had fixed something that Sky had thought was broken forever. He was back in her corner - if he had ever been anywhere else at all - and with him by her side, Sky wasn't scared of anything.
This time everything was different than that night after the tattoo parlour, when Sky had talked to the detective in the hospital.
This time she went to the police station with Dad and with her attorney, and she kept Yasmine's advice close to heart. Look like nothing can touch you, and then nothing will. And this time, instead of being the victim and crying her eyes out like a scared little girl, she held her chin up like a warrior, and she told them everything. Starting from what Kyler had done to her at Sam's house during the Christmas fight, going through the tattoo parlor horrors again, then ending with stealing Kyler's laptop to get revenge, and finding the folder with the pictures of the girls instead.
I'm proud of you, Dad said when they left the police station. I'm so proud, and I love you. You know that, right?
She did. And somehow that knowledge was the thing that she had needed the most. For as long as she could remember, it had been just her and Dad. And now it felt like that again, that he was there to protect her against anything she might be scared of, that he would take the flashlight and point it under her bed to show her that there were no monsters, and if there were, he would banish them with his righteous might.
The happiness Sky felt when watching Star Trek with Dad on the living room couch, drinking hot chocolate, or eating the lasagna he had made from scratch, was too big to fit her chest. Something kept spilling over, covering her cheeks with hot, salty tears.
But the one person who was there for her even more than Yas, even more than Dad, was Eli.
He didn't mention his confession of love again, but it was there nevertheless, if not in his words, then in everything he did. It was as if he made it his mission to make sure that nothing hurt Sky again - and she accepted it, as naturally as one accepts the fact that the sun rises again in the morning even after the darkest, deepest night.
During the school days, Eli barely left her side. He was there to walk her to her classroom, even if it meant that he would be late for his own class. He sat with her and their friends at lunch. He offered to give her a ride whenever she needed to go somewhere - to the nail salon, to the dojo, to therapy, to the AA Teens -meeting where Dad made her go once a week. Of course, Sky told Eli she didn't need those rides, that she was perfectly capable of driving the car herself, and if she wasn't, Dad could take her, but still—
Still, he would ask her. And once in a while, Sky took his offer, just to spend 15 minutes in the car with him, enjoying the silence that didn't need to be filled with meaningless words.
Every night he would text her, asking if she was okay, making sure she had gotten home safe, and telling her that she could call him anytime if she needed someone to talk to. Sometimes she did, and they had conversations that lasted for hours. Both of them tried to keep their voices down so that their parents wouldn't hear, and their hushed words were barely more than whispers, shared in secret. During those phone calls Sky found herself telling him things she had left unsaid for a long time.
Like how much she still missed Kat. Or how she was thinking of getting another tattoo, something for Luke this time, maybe a manga figure of some kind. She talked about Cody too, and about her nightmares where she saw him dying again and again and again. But mostly she talked about the little things, that nobody saw, or thought, the things she was hiding from everyone, including her friends. Like how she feared she would never heal properly, that her right leg would always be weak and stiff and weird, that the headaches would never stop, or how much it sucked that she who had always been smart, was now struggling with every single school subject, and how she had begun to think it might be best to repeat her junior year, or just to drop out of school for good.
It was during one of those talks, that Eli suggested that he started tutoring her in math and science again.
This time Sky said yes.