One afternoon: Morticia Addams and her daughter-in-law Enid were sitting at the kitchen table of Wednesday and Enid's home attempting to plan a major event involving the Addams family's many extended family members. The following is the conversation they had during their planning session...
Enid: Wow Morticia. I knew you had a big family... but this list of guests for your big wedding anniversary party has about two hundred people on it. That's insane. I didn't realize the Addams family was so big.
Morticia: Indeed. The crowded rooms during such events drove Wednesday quite insane when she was younger... which is probably why the extended family has been reduced from over five hundred members to just two hundred now.
Enid: Well, I promised Wednesday that in her place: I would help you prepare this big family event. Besides, the entire Addams family is my family now too. Now then, we just need to figure out the seating arrangements for the big dinner. Now Morticia: you must know everyone on this list, right?
Morticia: I certainly do.
Enid: Well you know I've never met most of these people. So you'll have to tell me their names and their relation to you, and then we'll agree on where to sit them.
Morticia: Oh, I shall tell you their names Enid. But I have done much of the work already, since finding the best seating arrangements for the extended family members and explaining it can be... challenging.
Enid: Challenging in what way? Look, you have the list. Lets start reading it off. We'll start with table one. Now tell me the names of the people sitting in the chairs at that table.
Morticia: Well, lets take a look at my list I already drew. Ah, yes. At table 1: Who's at seat 1, What's at seat 2, I Don't Know is at seat 3...
Enid: That's what I want to find out.
Morticia: Indeed. As I said... at table 1: Who's at seat 1, What's at seat 2, I Don't Know is at seat 3...
Enid: Morticia, do you know these people?
Morticia: Yes.
Enid: Have you met them many times in your life?
Morticia: Yes.
Enid: And you don't know the names of your own family members?
Morticia: Well I should.
Enid: Well then who's at seat 1?
Morticia: Yes.
Enid: I mean the person's name.
Morticia: Who.
Enid: The person sitting at seat 1.
Morticia: Who.
Enid: The person sitting in the first chair.
Morticia: Who is in the first chair.
Enid: I'm just saying: you know who's in the first chair?
Morticia: Indeed. That's my cousin's name.
Enid: Who's your cousin.
Morticia: Yes.
Enid: Well go ahead and tell me.
Morticia: That's it.
Enid: That's who?
Morticia: Yes.
PAUSE
Enid: Look, you know all the members of your family, right?
Morticia: Certainly.
Enid: So who's sitting in chair 1?
Morticia: That's right.
Enid: Look, you said your cousin is sitting in the first chair, correct?
Morticia: Very much so.
Enid: All I'm trying to find out is your cousin's name.
Morticia: Who.
Enid: Who's your cousin?
Morticia: Exactly. His wife that he recently divorced will be sitting at Table 5 though. Even after being separated, we didn't want her to feel excluded.
Enid: Who's wife?
Morticia: Yes.
PAUSE
Morticia: Is there a problem Enid?
Enid: Look, all I wanna know is when your cousin signs a check, how does he sign his name?
Morticia: Who.
Enid: Your cousin.
Morticia: Who.
Enid: Who?
Morticia: Yes.
PAUSE
Enid: Look. All I'm trying to find out is what's the name of the family member sitting in chair 1.
Morticia: No. What is sitting at char 2.
Enid: I'm not asking you: who's at the second chair.
Morticia: Enid, Who's in the first chair.
Enid: One chair at a time!
Morticia: Well, do you wish to change the seating arrangements?
Enid: I'm not changing nobody!
Morticia: Calm yourself Enid.
Enid: I'm only asking you, who's sitting at the first chair.
Morticia: That's right.
Enid: Okay.
Morticia: Very well.
PAUSE
Enid: What's your cousin's name in the first chair?
Morticia: No. What is at the second chair.
Enid: I'm not asking you who's at the second chair.
Morticia: Who's at chair 1.
Enid: I don't know.
Morticia: That cousin is at chair 3.
Enid: Now how did we get to chair 3?
Morticia: Why you mentioned his name.
Enid: His name? ... I don't know.
Morticia: Exactly.
PAUSE
Morticia: Enid, what do you wish to know?
Enid: Look. Just tell me... who's in the third chair?
Morticia: Why do you insist on putting my cousin in the third chair now?
Enid: What am I putting at the third chair?
Morticia: No. What is at the second chair.
Enid: You don't know who's at the second chair?
Morticia: Who is at chair 1.
PAUSE
Enid: Look, lets move onto table 2.
Morticia: Very well.
Enid: Okay. I know you have a great uncle sitting over there. So tell me his name.
Morticia: Why.
Enid: I just thought I'd ask you.
Morticia: Well, I just thought I would tell you.
Enid: Then tell me your great uncle's name.
Morticia: Why.
Enid: It be nice to know Morticia. Can you tell me your great uncle's name?
Morticia: Why.
Enid: Morticia, who is your great uncle?
Morticia: Who's my cousin.
Enid: I'm not... go back to table 2! What's the name of your great uncle?
Morticia: No, What is my distant aunt at the first table.
Enid: I'm not asking you who's your distant aunt at the first table.
Morticia: Who's my cousin.
Enid: How am I supposed to know that!?
PAUSE
Enid: Moving onto Table 3. You got a grandmother on your mother's side sitting there. Can you tell me about her?
Morticia: Of course.
Enid: Okay. Tell me your grandmother's name.
Morticia: Tomorrow.
Enid: You don't want to tell me today?
Morticia: I'm telling you now.
Enid: Then go ahead.
Morticia: Tomorrow.
Enid: Why not tell me now?
Morticia: Tell you what?
Enid: Well what time tomorrow are you gonna tell me your grandmother's name?
Morticia: I did. Tomorrow.
Enid: Morticia, I wanna know: who is your grandmother?
Morticia: Enid, I already said this. Who is my cousin.
Enid: How should I know!?
PAUSE
Enid: Lets jump to Table 10. Your husband's aunt will be there.
Morticia: Correct.
Enid: And her name?
Morticia: Naturally.
PAUSE
Enid: Look, if I meet your aunt-in-law at this event... when if I ask her: her name, she'll say...
Morticia: Naturally.
Enid: Naturally what?
Morticia: I believe you are confusing my aunt with Gomez's aunt.
Enid: Naturally?
Morticia: Naturally.
Enid: So when I meet your aunt-in-law, I'll be speaking to who?
Morticia: Why are we bringing up my cousin again?
PAUSE
Enid: Lets jump to the names of the individuals that will be doing the music. Now then, you said Gomez's cousin has volunteered to be the DJ.
Morticia: Correct. He really knows how to be the life of the party.
Enid: So it sounds like when it comes to good music, we got it.
Morticia: Indeed we do.
Enid: So you gonna tell me our DJ's name?
Morticia: You already did; It.
Enid: No, I did not.
Morticia: You certainly did; It.
Enid: I didn't say it.
Morticia: You just said; It.
Enid: When?
Morticia: Just now.
PAUSE
Enid: Okay. Our DJ... does he already have some good music ready to play?
Morticia: He certainly does. Although he prefers to play music from his favorite classic rock group. He enjoys their music so.
Enid: His favorite music group? Which group would that be?
Morticia: Who.
Enid: The name of the group.
Morticia: Who.
Enid: The group's name that he likes to play.
Morticia: Who.
Enid: The band!
Morticia: He never plays music from The Band. He likes to play music from who.
Enid: That's what I wanna know!
PAUSE
Enid: Okay Morticia. I think there's a thing not communicating well here.
Morticia: Nonsense. Thing is very good at communicating.
Enid: I didn't mean... Look. Lets go back to the tables, and look at Table 4. Do you want to tell me the name of the family member sitting in the first chair there?
Morticia: Yesterday.
Enid: Well you couldn't have said it to me yesterday, because we're having this conversation today.
Morticia: And I did tell you... Yesterday.
Enid: Uggh. Look... Morticia... listen, I grew up not being able to communicate well with my mother, and I don't want to have that same relationship with my mother-in-law too.
Morticia: I understand Enid. When I was young, it took me quite some time to understand the words my older sister said. She said the most odd things often, and it felt like I was hearing complete nonsense.
Enid: Hey. I feel ya.
Morticia: Oh, you already know my sister's name.
Enid: How would I know your sister's name?
Morticia: You just said it.
Enid: Who.
Morticia: Enid, why do you keep confusing my cousin with the rest of the family constantly?
Enid: Huh? Who's your sister?
Morticia: Now Enid. My family may be very open-minded, but none of my cousins have changed their gender, and certainly none of them would also be my siblings. I mean my distant aunt and her brother apparently may have fooled around when they were young... but they did a DNA test, and it proved that no children in our family were born of incest.
Enid: Huh? Who's committing incest?
Morticia: Enid! That is a very harsh accusation.
Enid: What?
Morticia: Exactly. The things you're saying about family.
Enid: I don't know.
Morticia: Why are you bringing him into this too?!
Enid: Why are we talking gibberish now?
Morticia: Enid, if you would like to speak in the ancient language of my ancestors, we can; but let me be aware you are first.
Enid: My God. I need someone to translate here.
Morticia: Ah. You're heard of my sister-in-law who is renowned for that.
Enid: Which sister-in-law?
Morticia: Someone.
Enid: Someone?
Morticia: Yes.
PAUSE
Enid: Look. Lets skip past the big meal. So I understand that many of the family members like to play baseball in the afternoon. So lets make sure we can figure out the positions for the big game. So lets start with you telling me... who's on first?
Morticia: Yes.
Enid: I... err.. grrr... auggh... AHH! Has sanity left reality?!
Morticia: No, my great uncle is still with us... even though he is the odd ball of the family.
THE END
*A tip of the hat to: Bud Abbott and Lou Costello