You're watching the TV Retro Channel. Coming up next... a classic episode featuring that creepy kooky family... the Addams Family...
Snap, snap. They're creepy and they're kooky. Mysterious and spooky. They're all together ooky. The Addams Family. Their house is a museum when people come to see 'em. They really are a scream. The Addams Family. Neat. Sweet. Petite. So get a witch's shawl on, a broomstick you can crawl on; we're gonna take a call on. The Addams Family. Snap, snap.
One day a mailman was walking down the street and approached a large dark mansion with some letters in his hand. The mailman was about to put several letters in the nearby mailbox. Suddenly the living hand known as "Thing" popped out of the mailbox, grabbed the letters from the mailman, and disappeared into the mailbox. The mailman sighed, and then softly said to himself, "I'll still never get used to that." The living hand: "Thing" then went into the house and went to over to the matriarch of the house: Morticia, who was sitting in her favorite chair. Upon "Thing" holding out several letters to Morticia, a smiling Morticia said, "Thank you Thing." As Morticia began to look through the mail, her husband: Gomez stepped into the room looking exhausted as he said, "Morning Morticia." A confused looking Morticia then said, "Why Gomez, what's troubling you? You look half-alive this morning." Gomez sighed as he said, "Oh, mi amour... I might simply be experiencing the after-Halloween slump. For the last month, all of the stores and homes were decorated with horrifying witches, ghouls, and goblins... but now it's November, and with people already looking forward to Christmas: soon all of those same stores and homes will be putting up bright colorful decorations that promote peace on Earth, happy children receiving toys, and the symbol of human souls being saved." Morticia sighed as she said, "It is quite dreadful. You know, it troubles me how they still celebrate Christmas in the schools. At least television and the media are focusing more on commercialism instead now."
Then suddenly running down the stairs, were the Addams Family children: Wednesday and Pugsley. Morticia smiled as she said, "Good morning children. Did you enjoy going trick-or-treating with your Grandmama last night?" Wednesday smiled as she said, "Oh yes. The thunderstorm really made the night so gloomy. It was the best Halloween ever!" An excited Pugsley then said, "Father, can I set off some dynamite in the back yard?" A curious Gomez then said, "I thought you used all your dynamite last night playing tricks on people." Pugsley shrugged as he said, "I wanted to, but every time I said 'trick or treat' to people, they all picked 'treat' and gave me loads of candy." Gomez turned his head as he said, "What's with people nowadays, and not wanting to experience good old fashioned tricks involving explosives. Well... go ahead and play with them outside. I'm sure those birds that have been chirping near the house lately would love to play with your dynamite." An excited Pugsley then said, "Yay!" Then as Pugsley ran into the back yard, Morticia smiled as she said, "It's so nice to see our boy becoming so good with learning how to build explosives. Nice hobbies like that definitely help keep him off the streets and away from terrible gangs like those dreadful Boy Scouts." Gomez chuckled as he held out a framed photograph and said, "Ah. He's becoming just like my brother Fester."
A curious Wednesday then said, "But father, I thought Fester was mother's uncle." Morticia then said, "Uncle Fester is indeed my uncle. However you father also had a brother named Fester, who went missing several years ago." A confused looking Wednesday then looked at the framed photograph Gomez was holding, while she said, "But they look so similar. Why is that?" Gomez with a smiling face said, "Why they were part of the same fraternity. Every young man that joined the Kappa Death Row House had to shave their head, bleach their skin, wear a robe, have several gigawatts of electricity pumped into their body, and change their name to 'Fester'. It was campus tradition." Then Morticia looked at Wednesday as she said, "Now what do you plan on doing today Wednesday?" A smiling Wednesday then said, "I decided that I wanna take my favorite pet outside to get some fresh air. It's so dark and cloudy today, and I didn't want to keep him cooped up." Morticia looked a little skeptical as she said, "Are you sure Wednesday? It's Monday, and you know this is the day your father, myself, and Grandmama regularly head out to bail my uncle out of jail. None of us will be able to go on that walk with you both." Wednesday shrugged as she said, "I'll be okay."
Later that day Wednesday down a sidewalk near an ice cream shop while holding a leash that was attached to her pet scorpion. As Wednesday walked, she looked down at her pet scorpion and smiled as she said, "Come on Nero. Just around the corner is a nice colony of ants you can subjugate over." Then suddenly several young boys on bikes started to ride near Wednesday. As the boys looked at Wednesday, one of them said, "What kind of girl walks a scorpion?" The boys snickered as they got off their bikes. Quickly, two of the boys grabbed Wednesday by the shoulders and arms and pushed her against a wall. As Wednesday was forced to let go of her leash, she said, "Oh no. Don't let Nero wander into the street. She's just a baby." One of the other boys laughed and then said, "You call that scorpion a 'she'? That's an 'it'. Scorpions are just freaky little monsters; just like you Addams!" Then as the scorpion walked onto the road, a scared Wednesday said, "No. She's more than my pet. She's like a daughter to me. Don't let a car hit her." As two other boys got on their bikes, one of them said, "Oh, we'll make sure a 'car' doesn't hit it." Then the boys rode their bikes towards the scorpion. Wednesday struggled to get free from the two boys that were pinning her against a wall, as she yelled, "NERO!" Then the two boys on their bikes ran over the scorpion, instantly killing it.
Then Wednesday woke up, and sat up in bed as she yelled, "NOOOOOO!" An adult Wednesday was breathing heavily as she found herself sitting up in bed wearing just black underwear, as her heart was racing, and her face was filled with fear. On the other side of the bed: Enid woke up. Enid (who was wearing just pink underwear), sat up and looked at Wednesday with a worried face. As Enid put a hand on Wednesday's shoulder, she said, "What is it Wednesday? Was it another nightmare?" Wednesday quickly turned her head briefly, and then said, "No. Just a memory from my childhood. But it was just like all of my recent nightmares... I was unable to save a child of mine..."
The next morning in the kitchen: Enid was preparing some breakfast at the kitchen counter. Meanwhile, her daughter Ana was eating some breakfast cereal at a table nearby. Then as Enid was preparing some food, she accidentally knocked a small toaster over which loudly hit the floor. The loud sound startled Ana, causing her to yell, "Aahhhh!" Ana immediately dropped out of her chair, scurried to a corner, and then curled up in a ball as she began to breathe heavily. Enid quickly ran over to Ana and got on the floor as she said, "It's okay baby. It's okay. That was me. I knocked the toaster over by accident. It was my fault. No one got hurt." As Ana's body shook, she had tears in her eyes as she said, "But it sounded like a gun shot." As Enid held Ana's hands, she said, "It just startled you. That's all." Then as Ana continued to cry, she said, "Then why does it feel like something got shot through my heart?" As Enid hugged Ana, she said, "It's okay. We talked about this. This is called a panic attack. I know it feels really scary, but it never lasts, and you always feel fine later." Ana closed her eyes, and breathed deeply. Then Enid handed Ana a glass of water as she said, "Now just drink this water. You can have a few pretzels too if you want. Why don't you rest up in your room for a bit." Ana quickly drank some water, and then said, "Okay mommy."
Then as Ana left the kitchen, Harmony walked in wearing all black. Harmony sat down at the kitchen table looking emotionless, as she said, "Greetings maternal one." Enid looked slightly frustrated, but put on a little smile as she said, "Well good morning Harmony. Thanks for joining us at 9am for once. Most days you sleep in till noon now." Then Harmony with a straight face said, "The night often beckons me." Then as Enid went back to preparing food, she said, "Look Harmony... I know you only stay indoors now since me and your mother started home-schooling you... but I'm happy to take you anywhere in town and meet up with some of your friends from public school. Don't you wanna see your old pals again?" As Harmony starred off into the distance outside the window, she said, "What's the point in building bonds with others, when the sudden release of death could take them from me at any moment, and scar me for life? Are you sadistic enough to put me through that?" Then Harmony grabbed a box of cereal from the counter, and then said, "I'll be consuming this as I accomplish my studies in the other room."
Then as Harmony walked out of the kitchen, Wednesday walked in. A worried Enid then sat down in a chair, as a few tears began to come from her eyes. Wednesday then sat next to Enid as she said, "Why are you crying?" A frustrated Enid then said, "WHY!? Because our family is a complete wreck right now! Ana has panic attacks when the slightest loud noise is made, Harmony has decided friendships and relationships of any type are meaningless, you keep having nightmares, and I'm barely holding it together as it is." Wednesday with a slightly troubled look said, "Well... we did both agree to home-school our children for the time being considering recent events they went through." Enid sighed, as she said, "Yes, I get it. We all got really shook up during that recent school shooting event. I get we felt this strong need to protect them in this aftermath we're experiencing. But pulling the kids out of school shouldn't mean pulling them away from the world." Then Wednesday in a cold tone said, "Why not? The world is full of greed, pride, anger, and self-indulgence. Our children may be suffering here at home... but they will suffer more if they continue to face the world outside their home." Enid looked angry for a short moment... but then calmed down, made a sympathetic face, and said, "Recent events must be bringing back some painful memories of your childhood, aren't they?" Wednesday nodded her head as she said, "Indeed..."
*The Past:
A sad looking Wednesday sat in the living room of her home crying as she sat in her mother: Morticia's lap. Meanwhile Gomez was on the phone as he said, "Yes officer. I'd like to file a murder charge. Against who you ask? Why against a group of boys that killed my daughter's pet scorpion! Wait. What do you mean that's not a chargeable offense? It's murder! Wait a minute. What do you mean you'd rather see those things off the streets!? Well get ready, because I'll be phoning up the mayor, the governor, my congressman, and even the president if that's what it takes to see you locked up for those words!" Then Gomez angerly hung up the phone as he said, "The nerve of that so called 'policeman'. He actually had the nerve to say that when he was a boy, he and his pals would kill snakes and scorpions in their neighborhood all of the time! How did someone with that kind of record ever get appointed to a position in law enforcement!?" Then Morticia looked at Wednesday as she said, "Now Wednesday. Do you remember the names of all of those boys you told us about?" With tears still in her eyes, Wednesday nodded her head as she said, "Yeah. They go to the same school as me. They always pulled my hair braids, called me a freak, and said I belonged in an insane asylum. But I thought they always meant that in a nice way." An angry Gomez said, "Ooo. To hear stories of boys leading my little girl on like that. Well I'm about to have a man-to-man brawl with all of their fathers!"
Morticia then stood up as she said, "Gomez, please. Nothing can be done to reverse the damage now. We always knew life would be difficult for us living in such an unusual neighborhood. Perhaps it's best if we just home-school Wednesday and Pugsley again, and just keep them away from all of life's horrors." Gomez sighed, and then said, "Well... isolation did do a lot of good for me those four long years I spent at the juvenile wing at Alcatraz." Gomez then thought silently for a moment, and then got on his knees to match Wednesday's height as he said, "Dear Wednesday... you'll never have to spend time around terrible kids like that ever again." Then Wednesday took out a small shoe box that had the remains of her scorpion in it as she said, "But... what about Nero?" Morticia then put an arm around Wednesday as she said, "He's gone sweety. Yes, he deserved the pleasure of a long painful death... but he did experience the beauty of crossing over into the next phase of life. You'll see him again one day when you're older, and your own time to cross over comes." Then Wednesday began to cry again as she said, "But I don't want to see Nero again when I'm older. I want him now!" Then Wednesday began to sob as Morticia held Wednesday close.
*The Present:
Harmony and Ana were sitting in a room at two different desks while working on their laptops. Enid then walked into the room as she said, "Hey girls. Since you've been studying so hard for the last eight hours, I decided I'd take you into town for some ice cream. What do you say?" Ana looked worried as she said, "The ice cream store? Isn't that right near the school. I don't go wanna go near there again." Then Harmony with a deadpan face said, "Giving my body unnecessarily high amounts of fat and sugar, while propping up an institution that seeks to empower the rich while sacrificing the health of Americans simply feels inappropriate to do." Enid sighed, and then walked over to the door where Wednesday was standing. With a sad face, Enid looked at Wednesday as she said, "Well... I don't know what else to do." Then Enid walked away. As Wednesday watched Enid walk away, Wednesday looked uncertain of what to do next.
But then Wednesday tightened her fists and had a look of determination light up in her eyes. An angry Wednesday then walked into the room and said, "Harmony and Anarchy Sinclair Addams... you are going out for ice cream with me this instant!" Then Harmony glared at Wednesday as she said, "And how are you going to make us?" Then Wednesday glanced at Ana as she said, "I'm about to make many loud noises, so don't be startled." Then Wednesday grabbed Harmony laptop... and then bashed it against the walls many times, followed by stomping on it very hard. Soon, the laptop was completely destroyed. Then Wednesday with an angry glare said, "You two will go out for ice cream now!" Then Harmony and Ana both looking scared, immediately said, "Yes mother."
*The Past:
Wednesday walked through the living room of her home with a deadpan look on her face while she carried two large power line wires. Morticia meanwhile was walking in the opposite direction of Wednesday, but then stopped Wednesday in her tracks as she said, "Wednesday, where do you think you're going with those?" Wednesday with a cold tone then said, "To test my theories in electrode-shock therapy on Pugsley." Morticia then stood still as she said, "Well normally, I would welcome that kind of behavior. But Wednesday... it's Halloween. Don't you wish to go outside and bask in the glory of our family's favorite holiday?" Wednesday kept a deadpan face as she said, "No. For while this may be a day you deem important to celebrate, for me... it shall forever be the eve of the day I suffered a tremendous loss, and the eve of the last day I ever felt emotion."
Morticia looked down for a moment, but then looked straight at Wednesday as she said, "Wednesday... I feel it may have be an error on your father and I's part to allow you to stay in the house consistently for the last year. My daughter... there is so much outside of these walls for you to explore. You'll never live up to your full potential remaining at home indefinitely." Then Wednesday in a cold tone said, "I could argue easily that I could. Now that your uncle is deceased, and father's brother is still missing; I could easily fill the void in this family as the weapons expert, and make quite a living in arms dealing from home." Then Morticia crossed her arms, made her face angry, and in a loud stern voice she said, "Wednesday Friday Addams... you are going to go outside and spend time around other children your age that are dressed as witches and demons tonight. And if you do that for the next three hours... I'll buy you a new electric chair for you and your brother to play with." Then Wednesday rolled her eyes, sighed, and then said, "Very well mother."
*The Present:
Wednesday was silently driving a black car down the road, while Harmony and Ana silently sat in the back seat. After several long minutes of silence, Ana cleared her throat and then said, "Do we have to go get ice cream at that place near the school? I just start to feel sick inside whenever we get near there." Wednesday sighed, but then kept her face forward as she said, "Ana... I will not force you to attend an institution you feel uncomfortable at. However I cannot allow you to hide in our home indefinitely." Then Harmony casually said, "Why not? You and mommy make so much money from your job now, and me and Ana are gonna get so loaded in inheritance money when grandma and grandpa die. As long as we invest in the right stocks, we can stay at home forever." Wednesday sighed again, and then said, "Harmony... I know you feel you're protecting yourself with the way you're behaving. You believe if you isolate yourself from all living beings that could harm you, along with any emotions that could control your decision making, it shall keep your stable and focused." Then Harmony rolled her eyes as she said, "Yeah. But what would you know about that?"
Then Wednesday stopped the car near the ice cream shop, and then turned her head to look back at her daughters as she said, "I know... because like you two recently, I had to endure a childhood trauma as well... when several boys from my school killed my pet scorpion." Then a curious Ana said, "Wait. You mean Nero? The pet you always try to reach in your weekly seance, but can never get a hold of?" Wednesday nodded her head as she said, "That's the one. Losing him... was devastating. The day he died, I cried my little black heart out... but the tears didn't fix anything... so I vowed to never cry again... or feel again... or be close to anyone else again." Then a curious Harmony said, "So... did you ever go back to school?" Wednesday then looked directly at her daughters as she said, "For over a year, I did not. Like the two of you, I barely left the house. But one year later on Halloween night, my outlook changed when my mother forced me to leave the house and partake in holiday celebrations in the community..."
*The Past:
Wednesday walked over to the entrance of a community center on Halloween night as many other people in costumes were walking in. A female adult leader at the door looked at Wednesday as she said, "Can I help you?" Wednesday glared at the adult as she said, "Yes. My mother is forcing me to partake in a community activity here. Let me in." Then the adult said, "Only people wearing Halloween costumes can come in. Where's your costume? Halloween is the night we all get to dress up as scary people." Then Wednesday in a straight face said, "This is my costume. I'm a homicidal maniac on the verge of killing my spouse. They all dress like normal people. Is that not scary enough?" Then the adult leader smirked and said, "Nice try. But you'll need to find something that at least shows you put effort into this. Don't worry though. I have extra costumes for kids who can't afford them. Here you go." Then the adult leader handed Wednesday a bag. Wednesday opened the bag, and saw inside... was a black cat suit, with fake cat ears, and a cat mask. Wednesday groaned, and then quickly put on the black cat suit. Wednesday then put the cat ears on her head, and then put on the cat mask which covered the top half of her face. The adult leader smiled as Wednesday walked past her with a deadly glare.
Then as Wednesday walked into the party at the community center, she saw many children her age playing party games. Wednesday had a miserable look on her face as she began to walk around the room uncomfortably. Then suddenly another girl in a matching white cat suit, ran over to Wednesday and said, "Oh hey! We match! We look like twins!" Then Wednesday in a deadpan voice said, "Or rather the feline personification of the Chinese concept of ying and yang. Would you like to know which side I represent?" The other girl giggled and said, "Wow. You talk funny. What's your name?" Wednesday groaned, and then looked at her costume as she said, "Well, in order to protect my identity and name from shame and embarrassment... tonight, just call me: Kitty." The other girl giggled again, and then said, "Well hello.. Kitty. Get it? Hello Kitty!" Wednesday simply glared at the other girl.
The other girl still kept a smile on her face as she said, "Well... you can call me... Kat. Get it. Because I'm a cat?" Wednesday groaned as she said, "Amusing." Then the young girl Kat with a happy grin said, "Anyway Kitty, we're playing games tonight where you win tickets, and you can use the tickets to win some candy. Wanna play?" Wednesday stood still, while in a deadpan voice she said, "Hardly. Today marks the near anniversary of the death of my beloved pet. Celebrating and playing are hardly my main focus tonight." The young girl Kat then said, "Oh." Kat then began to walk away... but then stopped... walked back over to Wednesday and said, "Hey Kitty... do you wanna talk about your pet?" Wednesday looked surprised for a moment, but then regained her previous composure and said, "I would.."
*The Present:
Wednesday sat a picnic table near the ice cream store as she looked at Harmony and Ana. As Harmony and Ana were slowly eating some ice cream, Wednesday said, "I talked to Kat about the events related to Nero's passing for the next two hours. We had just met, and I was surprised to find that a stranger I just met could have so much genuine interest in helping me through my grief with complete altruistic intent. It was a positive experience that couldn't have happened had I remained at home. Now with that being said, my ability to experience... feelings, continued to remain stunted. But my interaction with Kat that one Halloween night showed me that despite how cruel the world may seem... that same world still may have some pleasing experiences you would regret missing out on... pleasing experiences that are worth enduring all the potential tragedy and cruelty in existence." Then a curious Harmony said, "But the world is so dark... so messed up... is it worth it?" Wednesday then looked straight at Harmony and Ana as she said, "I met your mom... it's worth it."
Harmony looked down for a moment, and then said, "Umm... can I go get some more ice cream?" Wednesday handed Harmony some money as she said, "Very well." As Harmony walked over to get more ice cream, Ana made a little smile as she said, "This ice cream is actually good. Thanks for taking me out mother." Wednesday nodded as she said, "You're welcome Ana... and I'm glad you're trying new things and enjoying the new Pigs' Blood flavor. They started selling it at my insistence." Meanwhile as Harmony was getting some more ice cream, a girl her age walked over to her. The other girl smiled as she said, "Harmony?" A surprised Harmony then said, "Megan? Is that you?" The other girl: Megan looked very happy as she said, "Yeah! Oh my gosh Harmony, I've missed you. Where have you been?"
Harmony then casually said, "Oh. Well my moms have been home-schooling me." Megan nodded her head and said, "Yeah, I hear ya. But... I've missed you. I mean... we ate lunch together at school for years, and now... it's been sad not having you around." Then Harmony looked a little uncertain as she said, "Well... if you want... I could ask my moms to bring me here next Saturday, and we could have lunch together then." Megan made an excited smile as she said, "Really? Wow! It's a date then." Then Megan leaned in and kissed Harmony on the cheek. Harmony's face instantly blushed bright red, as Megan bit her lip slightly while making a big happy smile. Then a super excited Megan crossed her hands while grinning as she walked away. Then Harmony walked over to Wednesday as she happily said, "Hey mother! We need to come back here next Saturday!"
*The Past
Wednesday and Kat sat next to each other in a corner of the community center, as Wednesday said, "And when those boys harmed my pet... it felt as if my heart was harmed as well." Kat looked sympathetic as she said, "I'm so sorry Kitty. What kind of pet did you have?" Wednesday looked nervous as she said, "That... I do not wish to say. However... the event has taught me that feelings... emotions... they are not worth it... they are never worth it. I will never allow myself to feel again." Kat began to look worried as she said, "What about love? Do you ever think you'll love someone one day Kitty?" Wednesday turned her head and said, "Never. Opening up one's heart can only lead to heartbreak." Then Kat sighed, and said, "Well... I guess some people mourn longer than others. When my great uncle died, my great aunt wore a veil over her face for a month." Then Wednesday casually said, "I wanted to do the same but my mother forbade it. Then as a compromise, I asked her if I could grow my bangs out so they could cover more of my face like a veil... but mother said I'm not allowed to do my hair the way I want until I'm fifteen."
Then as Kat noticed people starting to leave, she said, "Well... party is wrapping up Kitty. I wish we could hang out more... but I'm just in town visiting my cousins so I don't think we'll see each other again." Wednesday with a deadpan face said, "It is of no consequence. We have kept masks on all night, and have not revealed our true selves to each other, thus making detachment less painful." Kat looked a bit sad as she said, "Yeah but... Kitty... I hope you find love one day... or at least have an amazing first kiss." Wednesday with a cold tone said, "That shall never happen. I'm too much of a freak to be loved." Kat sighed, and then walked away... but then stopped... looked back at Wednesday... and then ran right over to her and gave her a kiss directly on the lips. Wednesday froze but allowed Kat to kiss for a long solid minute. Then Kat eventually moved her face away from Wednesday and smiled as she said, "That was my first kiss too. Here's hoping we both find true love one day." Then Kat walked out of the community center. Wednesday meanwhile sat in shock for a moment... but then got up, and walked out the back door of the building.
Meanwhile Kat walked out the front door of the community center, as a grown woman said, "Hey. Has anyone seen my daughter?" Kat then jumped in front of the woman as she took off her cat mask and said, "Here I am mom!" The mother looked down at Kat as she said, "That's not the costume you left home in. What are you supposed to be?" Kat giggled as she said, "I'm Kat the Cat! Look at my cat claws! Rowr!" The mother groaned and then said, "Stop changing costumes and changing your name without my permission young lady! You are my daughter Enid Sinclair, and the only thing you get to be on Halloween is a werewolf! Now lets go home!"
THE END