AU: General Sam Carter is laid to rest beside Major Sam Carter, and the team receives some good news which is quickly shrouded in a wash of doubt.
TRIGGERS: Reminder of character death.
A/N: Tissues maybe required for this one.
Chapter 43: Goodbye, my love
Sunday, 4th July 2004 – Crystal Valley Cemetery – Daniel Jackson
What a way to spend Independence Day. Saying goodbye to another Sam Carter. This time, there was just the three of us – the original SG-1 – plus Samantha and Grace. I couldn't believe we were here again, this time without the fanfare.
John was in no state to be here nor did he want to be. He had made it abundantly clear that he had said goodbye and refused to do so again, instead choosing to wallow in self-pity just like another Jack O'Neill had done when he lost his Sam. Charlie was watching over him and Jacob had returned to the Tok'ra albeit under duress.
Janet and Cassie were touring the University of Nevada in Las Vegas since the young girl had decided to study a combination of psychology and criminal justice. Their flights and accommodation had been booked long before the upheaval caused by Sam's death. Though, I suspected that neither of them could stomach saying goodbye to another Sam Carter. As much as I could have done with Janet being here, I understood why she wasn't because truthfully, I didn't want to be here farewelling her either. Once had been enough.
Goodness knows what story the powers that be were going to invent to explain to a base full of Air Force personnel that their beloved commander was dead – again.
Jack was holding out that Thor's experiment – for lack of a better word – with the new Sam would work. Since he had found out about the young woman that he had no memory of creating and Thor's suggestion that Sam's missing memories could be repaired with those from people close to her, Jack had asked each of us to help save her. Despite feeling like he was setting himself up for more heartbreak, I agreed along with everyone else. Even though Bree had only met her once, she said that the love she witnessed between Sam and John was so profound, that she felt it keenly and wanted to offer her side of that memory to the cause.
Unfortunately, it was John's memories they needed the most which so far, they had been unable to obtain. A requirement of the scan was for the person to be conscious and willing. John had been neither one nor the other since Sam had died. The zat blast left him unconscious for several hours, after which he point-blank refused to allow anyone to 'play with his brain' and demanded to go home where he crawled into a bottle of Charlie's scotch and stayed there.
Another reason why he was not here today.
The small private party on our nation's most important day of the year, no funeral director and the lack of a body meant Crystal Valley were happy to provide a last-minute booking with each of us offering a personal memento that reminded us of her. These items along with a small magnetically sealed vessel holding a handful of the metal dust would be interned alongside the original Sam Carter. The remainder of the dust had been kept by the Asgard in a chamber especially designed to prevent Replicators from reforming. Although Thor believed that there was no danger, the Asgard High Council had insisted the dust be contained indefinitely.
It made sense to have the funeral today, what with Jack returning to work tomorrow and the impending Goa'uld treaty talks which we still had no estimated time set for. It was a kind of 'don't call us, we'll call you' situation except that so far, they had not called. At least, that was the information coming through from the staff at new Alpha site who were acting as intermediaries for the transfer.
Maybe they would call tomorrow.
"Daniel Jackson." Teal'c said as he approached, careful not to startle me. "We are ready." He added simply. Slowly I looked up to see Jack guiding a pregnant Samantha who held Grace's hand fast, the forlorn looks on their faces telling me everything I needed to know. Jack's new inability to hide his feelings created a near visible cloud of grief that brought everyone around him down just as his happiness created a golden aura that showered everyone with positivity and good feelings.
He had promised to work on controlling that, though it would take more than a conscious desire. Teal'c had already offered his assistance with meditation techniques and Lok'nel, both of which Jack had readily accepted though had yet to begin. Hopefully a combination of the two helped him get in touch with his inner self. Maybe now that he wasn't working so hard to suppress everything, it would work for him.
Looking at the scrunched-up cards in my hands and the words written on them, I realised that suddenly everything I had written on them didn't feel right. Despite my affinity with languages, public speaking, diplomacy and people in general, eulogising for someone I knew and loved in front of a group of people I knew and loved had never been my forte. Somehow, I had managed the daunting task of officiating for Sha're, but only because Sam had been there for me to unload my grief on before and after the ceremony. But – like last time – this was Sam, and I had no one to unload on other than Samantha who did not truly understand the comradery and love that had grown between my Sam and I over the years.
Looking up from one side of the small earthen hole that would contain our chosen keepsakes, I found my team, my friends standing solemnly just waiting for me to begin. So I cleared my throat and folded the cards up then placed them in my pocket then clasped my hands together in front of me and squeezing as if such as action would give me the strength to speak.
"Ordinarily one starts these things with 'dearly departed, we have gathered here today…" I choked out, then looked down at my clasped hands willing them to stop shaking. "…but Sam Carter was anything but ordinary. She was extraordinary. Both of them were." My words faltered a little as I cast my eyes over the fully grassed over grave where our first Sam had been laid to rest.
"I had these…" I said, pulling out the folded cards, and tapping them in my hand, "…but nothing written on them seemed to be enough. In truth, all the words in the world are not enough to describe how instrumental Sam has been to each and every one of our lives." I said, seeing a slow nod of heads from everyone present, even little Grace.
She had been my sister by choice, Teal'c's sister in arms and friendly ear when he did choose to talk, and finally, she had been Jack's salvation, his guiding light and his reason to live. She had been the one to unknowingly convince him to break the rules when our Sam returned from the Prometheus, the one that drove him to experience life in a way that he never would have if she had not come.
"When we first met, there was tension. She had a rough time, and I failed to understand why. That tension turned to animosity. We were the worst kinds of ourselves towards each other. I didn't want to believe that she was my Sam. Our Sam. But she was… Sam. Our Sam. Your Sam." I said, looking up at Jack, whose cloud had grown a little darker as Samantha held onto him tightly and Grace cried silent tears.
"When John… was injured, we saw… we felt her pain and her grief. Just like we always did when she was a Major and Jack was lost, injured, or dying." I closed my eyes as I remembered both Sam's and their selfless commitment to the team, but most importantly, their commitment to Jack. "That day, my eyes were opened, and I saw her. Truly saw her. I realised who she was and why she acted like she did. We became friends, good friends." I said, hearing a small sob come from Grace.
Without saying a word, Jack reached out for her. She shuffled over and he lifted her up effortlessly to sit on his hip, her little arms wrapping around his neck as he buried half his face in her hair. We couldn't see his grief in his expression, but we could feel it, heavy and thick in the atmosphere like a miasmic cloud of heartache. Samantha moved closer into the huddle, Jack's arm automatically encircling her.
Slowly, I turned to collect the small tape deck. After the audible click of the play button and the soft crackling noise that most of us associated with the old cassette tapes, the haunting sound of Taps rang out across the eerily quiet cemetery, cutting through the din of silence synonymous with these kinds of places. During that time, we stepped forward offering our own little keepsakes – a painted river stone from Grace, a bookmark she had given me, a telescope keychain from Samantha and a Minnesota Wild cap she bought for Teal'c. Finally, Jack stepped forward with a heavy feeling of consternation and grief wafting around him while his fingers fiddled with something small and black.
He stood looking at whatever it was for a while. When Taps finished and I had pressed the pause button, he spoke loud and clear for all of us to hear.
"Sam. I don't know quite what to say to you. You were my Sam, but not my Sam. Just as I was your Jack, but not your Jack. You gave me everything by giving me nothing. You fought me so hard, but in doing so, you gave me courage. Courage to do something I should have done years ago. Courage to be the man you wanted me to be. Needed me to be, even if you never said as much. If not for you, I would never have known how good things could be with you." He said, his words not differentiating between the two Sam's, yet somehow, we knew when he was talking to the General and when he was talking to the Major, all the while turning the black pouch in his hands. At length, he opened and tipped out a ring.
No. Not just a ring. The ring.
The ring he had bought her years ago after the armband fiasco then hidden away when she asked him to leave it in the room. The ring he had shown me one night when we were both in no condition to keep things a secret. The sunlight glinted off the opal in the golden crown setting.
"You gave me three beautiful weeks, Carter. Then you gave me my daughter and a loving wife–" He said, looking to Samantha, receiving a smile and a reassuring hand on his shoulder before turning back. Slowly, he crouched, kissed the ring and lovingly placed it beside the other mementos. "I love you, Macushla. Always." He whispered. When he rose to his feet and looked at me, there were tears tracking down his face. The first visual sign of emotion that day. With a single nod, he stepped back to be enfolded by his daughter and his wife.
Once we were all finished, I pressed play again and closed my eyes as the sound of seven guns firing three times sounded, each one sending a jolt of finality through my body. All at once, the three remaining members of SG-1 kneeled, each of us using our hands to push the soil over the top of our memories, then together we lifted the single square tuff of grass and placed it over the bare patch of soil, each of us leaving a hand in place.
"Rest in peace. Brigadier General Doctor Samantha Joanne Carter. May we see you again." I said finally, giving hope to the chance that Thor could bring her back to us in another form. Together we stood, then moved as one to embrace as a group with Sam's tuff of grass in the triangle of our feet as if we were including her in our team hug.
"Beer at my place." Jack said to try and lighten the mood as we all turned and walked towards the car park, his hands brushing away the stream of tears to leave his face red and splotchy.
"I believe General Carter preferred Diet Coke." Teal'c announced with a sideways look to Jack when he pulled a face.
"Feel free T-man. I didn't love her that much." Jack replied earning a giggle from Samantha and a confused look from Grace until she smirked and nodded her head in a weird kind of agreement.
"Liar." I added, giving him a long-suffering look of my own. "You would drink battery acid for her." At that Grace did giggle and I had to wonder how she knew what I meant until I realised that Jack must have been mentally translating for her. Either that, or she was reading his mind, which could be very bad for both of them.
"More like nitro-glycerine, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c intoned with a knowing smile and a single eyebrow raised.
Grace giggled loudly, then said, "Silly Daddy, exploding for spirit Mummy. Old Mum said she was hot for Uncle John. Did you get hot too? Was it the nirogycer… nerogis…" She scrunched up her little face in concentration then sounded out the words slowly, "Ni-tro-gli-sa-rine?" At those words, Samantha barked out a laugh and covered her mouth while Jack turned a bright colour only seen on fire engines.
"Out of the mouth of babes." I replied with a grin a mile wide. I truly loved hearing Grace's little off handed comments using innuendo she had heard from Jack and Sam but didn't understand enough to know that she shouldn't repeat it.
"Umm… ah…" Jack faltered, then raised his hand and coughed animatedly into his fist. "Gracie… sweetheart… you remember that conversation about secrets?" He asked his daughter.
"Yes." She replied happily, then looked up at him, "Oh… sorry Daddy." She added, then drew her pinched fingers across her lips in a zipping motion and threw the imaginary key over her shoulder before grinning broadly showing all her teeth and dimples.
"Sure you are." Jack muttered, then looked at Samantha. "She's your daughter."
"Hey, you were there too bucko, or do I need to remind you some more?" Samantha countered.
"Oh, I remember." He replied with a shrug, "Not opposed to you showing me again though. You know, since I am going to be the man now. I can do anything."
"Within reason." I countered as the voice of reason regarding semi-public sex at an active military base, earning myself a combination of rich and giggling laughter.
As we were walking, a chiming from Jack's pocket alerted us to a call from Thor. Jack looked at us with hope in his eyes. Together, and without being asked, the four of us created a tight circle with Grace standing in front of Samantha to shield the communicator from public view. Jack drew out the communicator and tapped the top to bring up a small holographic image of Thor.
"Greetings, O'Neill." Thor addressed him, then turned, "Doctor Jackson, Teal'c, Samantha, and Grace O'Neill. I bring you news of our success. We have retrieved 97% of General Carter's memories from various sources, including myself." He confirmed for us, receiving a collective sigh from half of us.
"That's good. That's… whoa." Jack said with a small smile as he looked at each of us. "Do you know what is missing?" He asked. Thor appeared to look at a screen, his hands moving over what we knew were his console stones.
"Several pockets of memories, though they appear to be insignificant in comparison to the whole. A period of time from her original timeline moments after she was abducted by Fifth along with the same event from this timeline. She will remember her death, but not the event that led to her death." Thor confirmed. Jack looked me and a took a deep sighing breath. Although we didn't know what had happened to her, we all suspected that Fifth had tortured her. The look on her face had been similar to when she returned from Simarka and we all knew what happened on that planet even if she never explicitly said anything, not to mention the state of her clothes or lack thereof.
"Why was the event from her original timeline missing? Would that have not been considered a long-term memory?" Teal'c asked the questions I had asked myself though chose not to voice.
"It is likely that she suppressed these memories. Active suppression prevents memories from becoming long-term. She is also missing earlier memories from her original timeline. Based on Helheim's data, he believes the years of these other missing memories to be 1995 and 1997." Thor stated. We all knew what the 1997 memory was, as for the other one, the roiling feeling of anger from Jack and the sucked in breath and clamped eyes from Samantha was all I needed to know that it had something to do with Jonas Hanson.
"Aside from that, there are several recent memories missing that we may retrieve should John O'Neill consent to a memory scan." Thor added. This time Jack looked at Samantha.
"Do we need those memories?" Samantha asked. "3% isn't a lot… not really."
"Indeed. Unfortunately, the Asgard mainframe requires a minimum of 99.2% of original memories intact for a successful upload." Thor said, his comment letting the wind out of our sails. That meant we needed John. I could almost feel the hopes of everyone in our tight circle deflate at his statement.
"Do you think he will?" Jack asked Samantha.
"I don't know, Jack. You would know better than I do." She replied with worry streaking her face. "But… I don't think so." She added with a shake of her head.
"I hate to agree with your wife, Jack, but she is right. You are nothing if not a stubborn son of a…" I began but was interrupted.
"Hey… don't you finish that sentence, Space Monkey. I'll have you know my mother was an exceptional woman." Jack barked. "She had to put up with my father, my brother and me. She deserved a goddamn medal." He added.
"I thought you lived with your grandparents?"
"I did. After she died, Dad drank himself into a stupor. Jimmy and I went to live at the cabin." He confessed in one long sentence for the first time in as long as I had known him. Samantha gripped his arm in a show of solidarity.
"Thor, can you scan John while he is asleep?" Samantha asked, then gave us all a look of resignation. "I mean, we need this, right?" She added and drew her bottom lip between her teeth.
"Yes." Thor replied simply. "Human REM sleep opens the mind."
"That's good. Right?" Samantha said then sought agreement from the rest of us. Teal'c and I nodded immediately, but Jack stood quiet and pensive for a few moments.
"O'Neill." Teal'c prompted him.
"Yeah. It's just… I know I would hate someone playing inside my head while I slept. It's… he's… well he's me." Jack replied uneasily.
"Yeah, we get it Jack. We remember your…" I winced, "…issues after Jonah." I offered up the memory, seeing Teal'c nod in agreement.
"The Replicators were not gentle. Neither was Sokar." Teal'c added making Jack visibly wince and recoil a little from those memories of being manipulated. We understood exactly where he was coming from. John was essentially him and he hated his head being played with full stop.
"Just… let me talk to him again. OK." Jack asked, "I'll try to reason with him. I still haven't told him about her. You know… just in case." He added while casting his eyes from Thor to each of us. "He thinks the memory… thing is us trying to heal his mental health." Jack offered with a heavy sigh.
We understood why Jack hadn't said a word to his clone.
Giving Jack any kind of hope and then taking it away was a recipe for disaster. We remembered that much from when Sam was lost on the Prometheus with every 'I think we've found them' announced by search parties over the four days only to discover nothing. Nevertheless, Jack still gated to every planet, chasing every lead – no matter how futile – and jumping in on every pseudo rescue mission often returning angry and frustrated to the point of throwing things.
There was no chance that John would be any different. We just hoped that Jack could successfully convince him to consent to the memory scan since it might be the only way save both himself and the woman who meant the world to us.
"Macushla" - Jack's special name for Sam from the original Lost and Found.