"Two days," Dawn groaned in disbelief and banged her head on the kitchen table.
"What?" Buffy asked, looking to her mom for answers as she was just stopping by to retrieve some of her slaying gear and have breakfast.
Dawn opened her phone up and brought up pictures of Xander in a speedo, holding it up for her sister to see.
"Jesus!" Buffy exclaimed. "Was he hit by a bus?!"
"Ten foot tall minotaur," Joyce replied as she set a plate of pancakes on the table.
"Is he okay?!" Buffy asked anxiously.
Dawn swiped through her photos. "This morning," she said, showing a more recent photo.
"Oh," Buffy said. "He's mostly healed. Why do you have a picture of a mostly naked Xander on your phone?"
Dawn just stared at her sister until she winced.
"Sorry," Buffy apologized, knowing she was pushing in where she wasn't wanted and had no authority.
"Who heals that level of bruising in two days?!" Dawn demanded.
"Me, Beastboy, Starfire," Buffy listed off.
"Xander," Joyce offered, amused.
"We knew he was a fast healer," Buffy said, "two weeks for broken bones is a dead giveaway."
"I thought he said that was just a sprain," Dawn said.
"He did," Buffy agreed, "and it wasn't. Xander's just built different."
Joyce and Buffy turned to Dawn and waited.
After a few seconds Dawn asked, "What?"
"You missed your cue," Buffy said. "I said 'Xander's just built different'..."
"Oh," Dawn said. "Too frustrated. I thought I'd get the better part of the week with him and instead I got two days and he's off to talk to Robin."
"Robin?" Buffy asked. "Teen Titans Robin?"
"Yeah," Dawn agreed. "He's going to ask where he can get some decent armor."
"Why doesn't he ask the police?" Buffy asked.
"Police use bulletproof stuff that is bulky, they don't wear stuff that covers claws and blunt damage nearly as well," Dawn replied. "I asked."
"Good point," Buffy agreed. "Not sure Robin's the best choice as he doesn't even wear pants most of the time, but he should know some people."
"Ted settled in alright?" Joyce asked.
"Joined a bunch of DnD nerds, people have him bless things," Dawn replied. "He fits in pretty well."
"Android Ted?" Buffy asked.
"Animated stuffed teddy bear Ted," Dawn replied.
"I don't remember anything about a stuffed teddy bear," Buffy said with a frown. "Unless it had something to do with that museum thing that Oz mentioned but didn't go into details on."
Dawn frowned. "Oh yeah, I haven't updated the travel log," she admitted. "I've been kind of distracted."
"And that distraction just left," Buffy teased.
"Good point," Dawn said. "I'll update it after breakfast."
"So Xander's on his way to Jump City?" Buffy asked.
"LA first then a friend who made his favorite stakes and finally Jump City for a burger and to talk to Robin," Dawn listed off.
"Provided nothing happens," Joyce added.
"It may take him a day or two," Dawn admitted.
"I'll give Robin a heads up anyway," Buffy said, "that way he has time to get what he needs for Xander in advance."
"Hopefully Xander will meet up with him before running into any more trouble," Joyce said.
Dawn and Buffy groaned.
Joyce sighed. "Yeah, I realized what I said was silly as soon as I said it."
"Okay, I'm going to update the travel log now before he gives me more to add to it," Dawn said with a sigh.
"And I'm… going to eat breakfast because I've got days until Xander stops by," Buffy said cheerfully.
The Hyperion Hotel
"Good morning," Xander said as he entered the hotel. "Fangless asleep?"
"His soul's firmly glued in place, you don't have to annoy him anymore," Cordelia pointed out.
"I know that," Xander said, "I'm being annoying for the sake of being annoying."
"Of course you are," she said dryly.
"Anything going on?"
"Angel just got back from Jump City this morning, we've got a couple of people avoiding debts we're tracking down, and… that's about everything," Cordelia said. "It's been a quiet week."
"I know the feeling," Xander said.
"Liar!"
"What?" Xander asked, confused.
"Willow gave me the link to your travel log," she said, "your week has been anything but quiet."
"I didn't say it was," Xander said smugly.
Cordelia frowned and then groaned as she replayed what he'd said in her head. "You know the feeling because you've had quiet weeks before, you didn't claim this had been a quiet week."
"Exactly," he agreed. "But I've spent the last two days relaxing and using the hot tub at my place, so give me a couple of more days and it'll be the better part of a quiet week at least."
"Fine," she said, "I can't believe you go anywhere without finding trouble."
"I don't," Xander admitted, "but I was staying home and I'm just revisiting some places so the next two days will maybe be quiet."
"Oh, where you going?" she asked curiously.
"Jump City to question the Titans on where they buy body armor," Xander replied.
"Body armor? From them?" Cordelia asked in disbelief. "One wears a leotard that has to be giving her a wedgie twenty-four seven, one wears a chainmail bikini, one is pretty much either naked or in spandex, and one dresses like one of Santa's elves on a beach vacation. Okay, the robot guy seems decently covered, but I think that's built in."
Xander just stared at nothing for a moment before shaking it off. "Yeah, they dress like a fetish wear convention for the most part, which I'm not going to be able to get out of my head now, but the elf worked with Batman, and he had excellent armor."
"Oh," Cordelia said thoughtfully. "Yeah, he'll probably be able to give you the names of some people to talk to if nothing else. Why are you suddenly concerned with armor?"
"Ten foot demonic minotaur," Xander said, "I was one giant bruise, so I kind of want to avoid that again in the future."
"I don't recall reading about that," Cordelia complained as she took out her phone and brought up the travel log. "Oh, new update."
Xander waited.
"Oh, ten foot demonic minotaur and cursed dolls," Cordelia said. "How many vampires did you have to drain to heal from that?"
"Two days rest and relaxation," he replied. "I was just bruised, didn't even crack any ribs."
"I should ask her to include pictures," Cordelia said then frowned. "Xander, remember to take pictures and send them to her so she can post them."
"Sure," Xander agreed. "I'm still getting used to having a cell phone and I should probably get a body cam now that I think about it."
Cordelia burst out laughing.
"What?" Xander asked.
It took a couple of seconds before Cordelia regained control over herself. "I was just picturing you as Steve Irwin, filming yourself sneaking up on demons and pissing them off."
"Crikey," Xander said in a decent imitation of the famed naturalist, "that there is what was call a Polgara, they average over two meters tall and their coloring varies from grey to dark red. I'm going to poke it with a stick!"
Cordelia burst out laughing until tears ran from her eyes. "Oh god, my sides!"
"It's always important to have a good poking stick on hand," Xander continued with his fake accent. "Now me, I like to use a nine inch-" he stopped and defended himself from Cordelia who was smacking him in the shoulder. "Too much?"
Cordelia caught her breath. "Way too much, my sides actually hurt."
"I'm going to have to do that on some actual demons at some point, the gang should get a kick out of it," Xander said.
"They're just going to yell at you for being reckless," Cordelia pointed out.
"Meh, they'll do that anyway," he said.
Cordelia nodded. "That's because you're pretty reckless."
"Maybe," Xander said, unconcerned, "but it works for me."
"How you survived high school I'll never know," Cordelia said.
"Confusing and pissing off demons is one of the best ways to get them to make mistakes," Xander said.
"I always thought you were just trying to cheer everyone up or break the tension," Cordelia said.
"I do that too," Xander agreed. "Anyway, if I do my Steve Irwin impression it'll be because it gives me better odds."
"And not just because you find it funny?" she asked.
"Or because I find it funny," he readily admitted. "The better your morale the more likely you are to win according to Napoleon."
"Somehow I'm almost positive he did not have this situation in mind when he said whatever he said," Cordelia snarked.
"Cast wide your net, come what may," Xander said.
Cordelia just stared at him for a few seconds before asking, "Was that supposed to mean something or did you just want to confuse me?"
"The latter," Xander admitted.
"You really are insane, you know that right?" she asked, amused.
"So I've been told," he replied.
*ring*ring*
"Hold on," she said and answered the phone. She talked quietly for a minute and then hung up.
"Emergency?" Xander asked.
"Nope, local police officer who recognized 'Dead Boy' from your lecture, and let me just say the fact that you are giving lectures still shocks me, who wants to stop by and talk shop," she finished.
"Working with the police," Xander said. "That still blows my mind. Competent non-evil police."
"I know," Cordelia said. "Sunnydale PD still corrupt?"
"No idea," Xander said, "anyone connected to the Mayor is probably dead or fled so they probably improved, but I haven't checked."
"It's not like they could get any worse," she offered.
"Something to look into," Xander said. "Well, I've stopped by and said hi, now I'm off to a bar to have a Coke and ask the Devil about a popular song and if there's any truth in it."
"Why did I date you again?" Cordelia asked.
"It pissed off your parents, I regularly risked my life for yours, and I have a great ass," Xander said with a smile.
Cordelia opened her mouth, paused, and then nodded. "Fair," she agreed.
The Lux Nightclub
"Am I too early?" Xander asked as he entered the nearly empty bar.
"He wakes up just about now," Maze replied, "give it half an hour before he comes down."
Xander nodded. "Coke please."
Maze poured him a Coke and slid it to him. "Anything interesting happen since your last visit?"
"Followed some cultists into the lands of the fey, escaped from the Wild Hunt, got a wish, fought a demonic minotaur in a Teddy Bear Museum," Xander listed off. "Oh, got a hot tub installed in my place."
"Hot springs are superior but not nearly as convenient," Maze said, "You humans really did well in inventing hot tubs."
"Hot springs also don't have massage jets," Xander said.
Maze nodded. "Some hot springs do have naturally occurring jets of water, but unless you mess with things yourself they are rare."
"If I could control the elements I would go with a hot spring, but lacking that power I'll settle for a hot tub," Xander said. He took a sip of soda. "I could probably make a hot spring with just earth control, but I'd have to be really good at it."
"It's a power sink as well," Maze offered. "Earth doesn't like to move, you need fire control as well if you want it to flow like magma."
"You could probably use water control to create a hot spring easier than earth control," Xander realized.
"Much easier," Maze agreed, "water likes to flow."
"I'd still prefer earth control," Xander decided.
"Why?" Maze asked curiously.
"Building castles, controlling a battlefield, sealing enemies in walls to slowly starve to death," Xander said thoughtfully.
Maze smiled. "Good times," she said fondly.
"Xander, I'm surprised to see you again so quickly," Lucifer greeted him. "How goes the trip?"
"FBI asked me to help out with possessed dolls at a museum and I got a bit banged up so I came home to heal and since I was in the area I decided to pop by, say hi, and ask you something you've probably been asked a million times before."
"Really? What?" he asked curiously.
"Did anything remotely like the song The Devil Went Down to Georgia actually happen?" Xander asked.
Lucifer burst out laughing. "Oh Father, I haven't been reminded about that in ages!"
"It's going to take a minute for him to stop giggling," Maze said dryly, though amusement danced in her eyes. "What led you to that topic?"
"I was talking to Dawn and she pointed out that Lucifer might do something like that to test people, and it sounds on brand," Xander said. "I argued that having heard him play I really doubt some hick could beat him in a music contest, but Dawn pointed out that a golden fiddle could be as much curse as blessing so by winning Johnny may have lost."
"It was a crossroads deal," Lucifer said as he wiped tears of laughter from his eyes. "Normally I'm not involved, I have demons for that, but Dad insisted I get some air and do a crossroads deal at least once a year and since it involved musicians I agreed."
"So it's a true story?" Xander asked.
"Almost," Lucifer said. "I showed up at the crossroads where a drunk country boy was standing, holding a well used violin and challenged me to a duel."
"As you do," Xander said with a grin.
"As you do," Lucifer agreed with a wide smile. "He was a bit full of himself, so I figured I'd humble him and send him on his way. I played a beautiful song, something a mortal could not compete with."
"Naturally," Xander said, leaning forward.
"And Johnny…"
"Yes?" Xander asked curiously.
"Clocked me with his violin and smacked my wrist with his bow, knocking my violin from my hands!"
"What?" Xander asked, dumbfounded.
Lucifer burst out laughing. "He said he'd challenged me to a duel and since I was now disarmed he'd won by default."
Xander burst out laughing with Lucifer while Maze rolled her eyes, one corner of her mouth twitching.
"I summoned a solid gold fiddle as payment, which I accidentally dropped because it was solid gold all the way through as I was laughing too hard to pay attention when I made it," Lucifer explained. "Johnny laughed right along with me and promised he'd make the duel sound much cooler than it actually was and here we are."
"That was a great story," Xander said, absently tapping his drink to refill it.
Maze took his glass and poured it out before refilling it. "No outside food or drink," she said.
"Sorry," Xander apologized.
"Now you owe me a story," Lucifer said as Maze poured him a Jack and Coke without needing to be asked. "Tell me about the possessed dolls."
"Alright," Xander agreed cheerfully. "Well I was riding with a friend of mine when I got a call from the FBI…"
Typing By: Abyssal Angel
Beta By: Abyssal Angel and Mist of Shadows
AN: The idea of clocking the devil with a musical instrument came from Cherico who used it in a Pokemon fic with Giratina!