Recently, I rewatched Brother Bear again. Apparently I still can't help myself.

Have another oneshot, everybody.

Koda has no idea what he's feeling.

The words of the moose brothers are still ringing in his ears and Koda has too many thoughts in his head to sort anything out. He's angry, he's sad, he's hurt but also lonely, and he wants his brother but at the same time he wants to be as far away from Kenai as possible. The monster that killed his mother is also the same bear who has taken care of him in his mother's absence and Koda… doesn't know what to do with that, not really. He thinks about Kenai taking him aside, thinks about the halting words and the somber explanation and the sheer, undisguised anguish in Kenai's voice when he'd apologized.

"I'm sorry, Koda," he'd pleaded, as though that could change anything. "I'm so sorry," he'd whispered afterwards, as though that would change anything.

Koda sits in the snow, and he thinks.

Kenai hadn't seemed apologetic or regretful, before. Not until recently. Not until he confessed. Had he known, this whole time? Koda… doesn't believe that. Or at least, Koda doesn't want to believe that, because then Kenai has been lying since they met.

Well.

Kenai has been lying since they met, because Kenai is apparently not a bear at all. But Koda doesn't believe that Kenai was ever lying about his mother.

…He could have, though. Kenai could have lied, easily, about killing Koda's mother. All he would have had to do was… not say anything. Kenai hadn't needed to tell Koda the truth, about anything.

And yet, he had.

Koda thinks some more.

The Kenai he'd met tangled in that trap would have told that lie, he decides, because the Kenai tangled in that trap had told the other lies too. But the Kenai he'd come to know, and come to be attached to, had chosen to tear those lies away.

Why hadn't he just lied again? Why hadn't he just made it easy for Koda to decide how he feels? How dare Kenai become the big brother that Koda's always wanted and then do this!?

Why did Kenai have to change from a stranger into family?

Koda loves him.

Koda hates him.

There's too much and there's not enough, it's entirely simple and impossibly complicated, it's grief and love and betrayal and forgiveness and confusion. His head hurts.

Koda thinks about it anyway.

He's lost his mother. He's lost his brother. He loves his mother, and his brother. His brother killed his mother. His brother confessed, and apologized, and mourned for his mother.

…His brother did not ask forgiveness.

Koda frowns. Kenai apologized, he knows that. But Koda doesn't remember anything else, beyond the confession and then the grief. Does Kenai not think Koda would forgive him?

…Koda isn't sure if Kenai would be right or not. He thinks he'd have to see Kenai face-to-face again, to decide.

His brother killed his mother. Koda's mother is dead.

Koda's brother… is not.

And Koda hasn't decided yet if he can forgive his brother or not.

Koda turns to look at the mountain.

The mountain is cold and snowy and miserable and Koda decides that Kenai is a very stupid bear - no, not a bear. Hunter? How do Kenai's people talk about themselves? Koda is only familiar with calling them monsters, doesn't know what the actual name might be, but to use that word on Kenai feels… bad. Wrong. Kenai has done a monstrous thing, but somehow Koda doesn't think it fits.

It's very complicated, this ball of emotions Koda has. He hopes finding Kenai will untangle it.

He's been following Kenai's footprints as fast as he can, because he doesn't want to lose them in the snowstorm that kicked up as he climbed. And he's worried, because there's also a second set of footprints joining Kenai's that he knows belongs to a monste- to a hunter, and that one hunter was chasing him and Kenai all the way to the salmon run, and if that hunter is still around then…

Koda runs faster along the trail of footprints. He can hear shouting in the distance now, and one of the voices is Kenai. He's pleading with someone - Denahi? Who's Denahi? - but the only other voice Koda can hear is the wordless noise that the mons- that the hunters make.

Koda rounds a wall of rock, sees Kenai on his back with a hunter over top with a knife pointed to kill and entirely loses the ability to make smart decisions, because the next thing he knows, he's panting in the snow with the knife next to him, and both the hunter and Kenai are staring at him in disbelief.

"Koda?" Kenai breathes.

Koda doesn't respond, because he doesn't know how to - doesn't know what he would even begin to say - so he ends up staring back, with an equal amount of disbelief. He'd been hoping that seeing Kenai again would help him figure out how to feel about everything, but the only thing that's changed now is that all his emotions are so much louder.

That's his brother. That's his brother, and all Koda wants to do is throw himself into Kenai's fur and make sure that he's okay, that the hunter didn't hurt him, that he doesn't believe that Koda wouldn't forgive him - but at the same time there's a fire roaring in Koda's lungs, begging to be released, because that's his mother's killer. That's his mother's killer, and all Koda wants to do is make Kenai feel exactly as broken and empty inside as Koda does, make sure he knows that Koda could never forgive him.

Koda wonders how he can want two completely different things at the same time so very badly, and so he stares, because it's the safest option he has. He stares, and he sees the hunter start to move, and he turns his head to find a spear in the snow behind him.

Koda makes another stupid decision.

He beats the hunter to the spear, grabs it in his mouth, and starts running. He doesn't know where he's going, aside from away from the hunter, because if the hunter gets the spear then he'll use it on Kenai, and Koda… will figure out what he feels about that possibility later, but right now the thought makes his belly hurt and his chest get tight so he runs. He can hear the heavy footsteps of the hunter behind him, and in the background of that he can hear Kenai screaming. And the hunter is getting closer and Koda isn't fast enough and if the hunter catches him then the hunter will kill Kenai and Koda has already lost his mother, he can't lose his brother, but then he trips and the spear drops and the hunter grabs it and-!

Kenai is there.

He's screaming Koda's name, and it feels like it's not happening fast enough to be real. Koda watches as the hunter whips the spear around, as Kenai leaps through the air in a desperate bid to get between them, as the weapon and his brother line up in a way that will only end with the spear embedded in Kenai's chest, and he feels all the thoughts in his head line up in perfect order for one brief moment.

Tangled feelings for Kenai aside, Koda knows: he won't survive losing his family again.

And in that moment, the sky explodes.

….

HIs first instinct is to hide, because that's what his mom always told him to do. Hiding means he's safe, and Koda feels anything but safe right now. He darts behind a wall of rocks, takes a few deep breaths, and then inches his head back out to see what's happening, because the sky is still lit up like fire and he's never seen this before. There's shapes in the colors, animals he knows and a few that he doesn't, and there's one that looks like an eagle holding up a very familiar bear.

Koda can't move for a moment, frozen at the thought that Kenai might be dead and the Spirits are taking him. It's ice in his chest, splintering out to all his limbs, the deep-seated fear that Koda is really and truly alone now. But, no, the eagle is bringing Kenai back down to the mountain instead of up into the sky. The ice melts; his limbs unlock. Koda watches the pair of them descend, eyes locked on Kenai's every move, which is why he knows he's not imagining it when the bear he knows transforms into something he… also knows.

That's the monster - no. That's the hunter… hmm.

What was the word Kenai kept using for this, all the way throughout their journey? Human?

That's the human who ambushed Koda and his mother, back on the top of the glacier. Which Koda did know, sort of, because Kenai confessed it, but to see it now, to have that proof? To watch the bear change into the human and know that they're the same?

Well, Koda is glad he's sitting down.

Reading a human's face is not something he has practice with, but because it's Kenai, Koda is trying as hard as he can. Human eyes wide with what Koda thinks is shock and a human chest heaving with breaths taken through an open human mouth all add together for Koda to be fairly certain that Kenai was expecting this outcome just as much as Koda himself was, which is to say, not at all. While Kenai brings his human expression down to something less dramatic and accepts a fake fur from the eagle spirit - now also human-shaped - Koda stares.

He's not sure he can see the bear in the human face, and that scares him.

It's so stupid, because he watched Kenai change, he knows this is his brother. But Koda has lived his whole life with the hunters - humans - being a threat, something to be afraid of, and now there's three of them on this mountaintop with him. Before he can stop himself, he's instinctively calling for a protector, but for the past few weeks his protector has been-

"Kenai?"

All three humans look up, which isn't what Koda wanted, he has to hide, he has to make himself small and hidden and safe. But that's Kenai, and in the back of his mind Koda knows he's safe when Kenai is here, but the disconnect between Kenai-the-human and Kenai-the-bear still makes Koda flinch back when Kenai comes close and crouches down.

Kenai says… something. It's just noise to Koda, the same noises that all the humans make. His mom could understand some of it, he knows, and she always said that Koda could learn too if he wanted, but right now Koda knows nothing and Kenai is… just staring at him. Waiting, maybe?

Koda examines the human features again, hoping for a clue. Wide brown eyes meet his, and if Koda ignores everything else then - those are the same.

Kenai speaks again, says another thing Koda doesn't understand, but this time Koda is focused on finding the bear in the human and even though the words don't make sense, the voice is the same. That's the same quiet, devastated tone as I'm sorry, Koda. It's all exactly the same and suddenly everything is so obvious. Of course this is still Kenai. Koda feels a little bit stupid for ever doubting it.

So naturally, he's going to throw himself into his brother's body and cling on for all he's worth.

Kenai catches him. Kenai's always been catching him, even back when they first met and didn't like each other very much. It feels different, to be caught from beneath by human paws instead of by the scruff of his neck, but somehow, because of who's doing it, it feels just as safe. Koda buries his face into Kenai's chest and takes a deep breath and somehow, the human still smells like the bear did.

One of Kenai's human paws comes up to cradle the back of Koda's head, and his arms squeeze Koda tight. The affection is fierce, almost a little painful, for how tightly Kenai is holding him. Maybe Kenai has a tangled ball of emotions just like Koda does, which Koda supposes would make sense because a lot of things just happened in the past couple of minutes.

He pushes his head into Kenai's body a little more. Now that he's here - safe and protected and loved - he can feel all those emotions rising up again. But now, he has Kenai's most recent actions to consider, the part where his brother tried to throw himself between Koda and a spear being one of the more important bits.

The knowledge that Kenai killed his mother burns, but the additional knowledge that Kenai is willing to be killed himself before letting the same thing happen to Koda is like cool water on that same burn. It's… not forgiveness, not quite yet, but the tangled ball of emotion in Koda's chest relaxes all the same.

Quietly, finally, Koda accepts Kenai's apology. The forgiveness may take a bit more time, but Koda's willing to work on it.

"You make really dumb decisions," Koda mumbles into the fake fur that Kenai is wearing, "...but I'm really happy you're okay." Because there had been that moment where he'd thought his brother might be dead and that moment had been too terrifying for words.

Then Kenai pulls back, and Koda reluctantly lets him. They stare at each other for a moment, and Koda is hit once again by the realization that this human is his brother.

…Wait.

If Kenai is a human, and is meant to be a human, and was only ever going to be a bear for the short amount of time that Koda got to spend with him, then Kenai is going to leave him.

Koda's going to be all alone again. And maybe - maybe he'll be okay, he's tough and scrappy, he knows how to survive and how to hide, but - Koda doesn't want to just be okay. He wants his family. He wants his brother. It's selfish of him and he knows it, but the ice is stabbing into his chest again and it's a sort of terror that he's never felt before.

"Please don't leave me," he chokes out, before he can stop himself.

Kenai's human face does something funny that Koda doesn't really know how to understand and then suddenly he's pulling Koda back into another embrace, this one even tighter than the last and absolutely, undeniably desperate. Kenai clings onto him with such ferocity that Koda thinks, maybe, Kenai has the ice in his chest too.

The thought doesn't make the feeling go away, exactly, but it does make it a little easier to carry. Koda makes a decision: he's going to be brave. If this is the last time he gets to be with Kenai, then he's going to make the most of it, and he's not going to let himself cry when Kenai has to go.

Because he will cry, Koda knows that much about himself. But he'll fight it back until he's… alone. Kenai isn't a bear anymore, and Koda needs to accept that. He needs to let Kenai go.

But right now… right now, Koda is going to bury himself in the last hug he's going to get from his big brother and carve this feeling into his memory so he won't ever forget it. Like when he takes a sharp stick and scratches a picture in the dirt, Koda goes over the way Kenai's arms feel around him and the way that Koda can feel his brother's heartbeat until he's lost count.

Please don't leave me, Koda doesn't say out loud this time. He's being brave. He's not going to cry.

Too soon, Kenai - again - ends the hug, and Koda - again - lets him. Kenai looks away, back up towards the Spirit, and suddenly Koda makes the connection that this must be Sitka, the brother that Kenai told him about. In Koda's defense, he'd been expecting a bear. Sitka offers something to Kenai, who reaches out and takes it, and Koda stretches his neck out to see what it is.

A… bear? Made of wood? At least, Koda thinks it's wood. He's not sure why it's important, but when he looks back, Kenai is staring at it like it's special. Like it means something. Maybe it's something from Kenai's human life? That makes sense, Koda decides, because Kenai never had anything like that while he was a bear.

Then Kenai's gaze slides back over to Koda, and his face does that same funny thing from before, the one that Koda still isn't sure how to understand. Koda reminds himself that he's being brave. He gives Kenai a single, small nod of his head.

I'll be okay, he tries to say.

I can make it on my own, he attempts to promise.

Please don't leave me, he wants to scream.

Nothing comes out, which is probably the best option since Koda isn't actually sure which one of those sentences he would have said. But also, would Kenai have understood him anyway? Human noises don't make sense to Koda, and he supposes that bear noises don't make sense to humans. It's another thing keeping them apart now, but Koda is a little bit grateful for it. Kenai probably didn't understand Koda's slip-up earlier, and will go back to his human life none the wiser.

Koda reminds himself again to be brave.

Kenai breaks the eye contact and lets out a long, decisive breath. Then he turns back to look at the other two humans on the mountaintop - oh wait, is the other human Denahi? Are both of the other humans Kenai's brothers? - and says… something.

Koda really kinda wishes he knew what the human noises meant.

The other human - probably Denahi, Koda's pretty sure now - makes some noises back, and Kenai bares his teeth in response, but Koda doesn't think he's angry. Human mouths go down when they're angry, he knows that much from when hunter-humans would attack. But Kenai's mouth is going up, so Koda thinks that this is the opposite of angry.

He's probably happy to be going home, Koda decides, and can't bring himself to pay much attention to what any of the humans are doing anymore. Instead he looks at Kenai's face again and goes about carving that into his memory too. He wants to remember his brother, to maybe see Kenai out hunting again someday and be able to watch and protect from a distance. He doesn't want to ever attack Kenai on accident.

Then Kenai is setting him down and Koda, for the last time, lets him. He watches Kenai walk away, reminds himself to be brave, feels the ice in his chest seize around his heart and crack, and he does not cry.

Suddenly, watching Kenai leave is too much. Koda can't do it. And there's a golden light flaring in the corner of his vision, so he eagerly turns to distract himself and see what it is.

And.

It's his mother.

Koda sucks in a gasp of air, moving slowly forward on paws he doesn't actually feel moving.

It's his mother.

She's glowing, and a little bit see-through, and she's made of the colors of the Lights That Touch The Earth, but it's his mother, and suddenly Koda doesn't have it in him to be brave anymore.

He barrels into the Spirit of his mother, and he immediately bursts into tears.

"Oh, Koda," his mother whispers. "Oh, my baby boy. I am so, so sorry. I didn't want to leave you."

Koda knows that, he does. He knows it like he knows the sky is blue. But it doesn't change the fact that he feels so very lonely.

"You left," he hiccups, "and, and Kenai's leaving, and I'm scared, Mom, I don't wanna be by myself, I don't wanna, I, I don't-"

"Shhhhhhhhhhh," his mother says, and nuzzles her face into his. "You won't be alone, Koda. I promise."

Koda stares at her, bewildered and tear-stained. "But… there's nobody else. It's just me."

"You'll see," says his mother, and she smiles mysteriously. "Now, tell me about this Kenai, hmm?"

Koda opens his mouth and promptly trips over his own tongue. Kenai is amazing. Kenai is weird. He asks mammoths for rides but doesn't listen to Koda's stories. He lets Koda play on his back but shoves his paw over Koda's mouth to make him stop talking. He's stubborn and creative and prideful and gentle and impatient and funny. He's the most annoying travel partner Koda's ever had. He's the best big brother Koda could have ever asked for.

He killed Koda's mother.

"Would you forgive him?" Koda blurts. His mother tilts her head, and like she always has, gives Koda's question serious thought.

"From what I've seen," she begins, "he regrets his actions. And Koda, you may find yourself surprised by what he's willing to do to make amends. Of course, what he's done can't be undone."

"Yeah," Koda says, voice cracking.

"But there might be another question to consider," his mother continues. "Do you think Kenai will forgive himself?"

Koda… thinks about that. He thinks about a truth that could have easily been kept hidden, about a spear that Kenai made sure would be aimed at himself, about I'm sorry, Koda, I'm so sorry.

"...No," Koda says, slowly. "I don't think he will."

His mother leans in, as if sharing a secret. "I think, that if you can forgive him first, he might eventually be able to do it too. He can change, if you give him the chance."

Koda looks at the Spirit of his mother, smiling and mischievous, and he thinks she might know something he doesn't. But his mom has always been really smart, and nothing she's ever taught him before was wrong, so…

"Okay," Koda decides. "I'll try."

"That's my boy," his mom praises, and she swoops down to cover Koda in nuzzles and affection, cleaning away his tear tracks. "I love you, more than anything. I don't want you to ever forget that."

"Love you too Mom," Koda whispers, and presses back into her in return. He knows she's a Spirit, and he knows that she's already out of his reach, but - he wants to savor this moment. He closes his eyes and imprints the feeling of her fur against his into his memory, slots it in right next to how Kenai's human hug feels. Koda wants to make sure that he can carry the echoes of being loved like this for the rest of his life, because he doesn't think he's going to get another chance.

All too soon, his mother pulls away, and Koda, like he keeps having to do, lets her. It's his last moments with his mom and he's not going to miss a single moment, so he stares as she turns around and he stares as she breaks into a run and he stares as she climbs up into the sky on the colors of the Lights, until she blends in with all the other Spirits and he can't see her anymore.

Koda swallows, and remembers that he's trying to be brave. He wants to keep searching the sky for one last glimpse, to extend this last moment with his mom just a little bit longer, but deep down he knows: she's gone. He takes a deep breath and goes to turn around and-

Kenai is there.

For a second time, Koda feels like the world isn't moving as fast as it should be, because this single moment stretches out for an impossible length. He stares, and he feels his thoughts struggling to catch up, because Kenai is there.

He's a bear again, and he's got that little wooden carving strung around his neck, and the look on his face takes up Koda's entire world for a moment. It's hesitant, a little nervous, but so affectionate that Koda almost can't believe that it's meant for him. The full force of what he's seeing crashes into his brain and makes him giddy, makes him so warm inside that the ice melts away and Koda knows it won't be coming back, because - that's his brother.

You won't be alone, Koda. I promise, his mother had said, and this has to be what she meant. Koda would wonder how she knew, except that he thinks Spirits are supposed to know impossible things and this is definitely one of those. Because this means that Kenai… chose Koda. This means that Kenai chose to stay.

This means that Kenai chose not to leave him.

The world speeds back up and Koda doesn't even try to hold himself back. He shrieks his joy at the top of his lungs and he tackles Kenai with all the force in his body. The tangle of emotions he's been carrying all this time smooths out into something calmer and easily understood, and it feels a lot like forgiveness, Koda decides. He wants to be able to give that to Kenai, but he also wants it to be true, so he's going to wait to say it out loud until he's absolutely certain. In the meantime, Koda is fully willing to act on being pretty sure, and he immediately makes it his mission to climb on his brother as much as possible.

After all, Kenai changed himself for Koda. It's only fair that Koda do his best to change for Kenai, too.

Research for this oneshot included:

-the complete dictionary of the noises that bear cubs make (Koda's noises during this part of the movie are all 'family' calls, the ones that bear cubs use when they get separated from their mother or siblings. Disney really set out to break our hearts in every way possible, huh.)

- a categorical listing of how many times humans are referred to in the movie, by whom, and with what terminology (When talked about by the animals, humans are referred to exclusively as either 'hunters' or 'monsters'. Kenai is the only one who says 'humans', leading me to believe that Koda wouldn't know that word on his own and have to deliberately remember to use it.)

-side-by-side referencing to His Choice to make sure the scenes are lining up (I even considered splitting my screen at one point.)

-an uncountable number of replays on YouTube of the last four minutes of the Ending Scene of this movie (Pretty sure I single-handedly increased the watch counter on the video I was using by about fifty, at minimum. This is what happens when I try to write introspection.)

And lastly, thank you to everyone who has ever read, commented on, or just loved His Choice. When I posted it, I genuinely never expected it to get the sort of attention that it has, but now it's very nearly the top-ranked fic of the section. Baffling, honestly; I'm just over here writing character deep-dives because I can't leave this movie be, and suddenly a bunch of people are complimenting me on it. Wild.

Anyways. The point is, thank you. I hope you found the same sort of love in this one, too.