I decided not to repost the second chapter I wrote for "Accredo" (episode 5) but maybe I'll post it another time. I didn't write one for "Exile" (episode 6) so this one is for "Caretaker" (episode 7). I'm adding a trigger warning for a very brief mention of episode-related suicide.

This chapter probably won't show up, but I decided to take a chance. I really hope the issues on this site are fixed soon, since this has been going on for a couple of months now.

Episode: 20x07 ("Caretaker")

Genre: Friendship/romance

Rating: T

"Come on, Jesse, let's go."

Amanda stifles an impatient, exhausted sigh as she observes her daughter's petulant behavior, the three-year-old dragging her feet and letting out a whine as they walk down the long hallway together. The little girl is shuffling along beside her, arms crossed over her chest and lower lip protruding in a pout, stomping her tiny feet and letting out the occasional angry grunt.

"Do you think Noah and Aunt Liv are going to appreciate the way you're acting right now?" Amanda tries to reason lightly, resolving to keep her cool and not burst into a torrent of overwhelmed tears.

She had decided on a whim to pay Olivia and her son a visit, seeking a distraction from the sad and irritable mood that has enveloped her during their latest case, and figuring Jesse would be happy to spend some time with Noah. Anne Mill had hung herself in her cell the day before, shortly after being convicted of the second-degree murder of her husband; and between the gruesome crimes the woman had committed against her family, the forced desk-duty due to Amanda's pregnancy, and Al Pollock showing back up in her life, she is at her wit's end.

Amanda has never been known for her patient attitude or her ability to sit still for a lengthy period of time, and not being allowed in the field is grating on her nerves. She is bored and restless and missing the action, and feels somewhat useless sitting behind a desk day after day, staring at her computer screen while the rest of her team is out conducting interviews and chasing down suspects.

She has no idea what to do about her ex-boyfriend, as Al seems to have had a change of heart recently and is being very sweet to her, although overly persistent. The flowers he had sent to the precinct are now being displayed in a vase on her kitchen counter, Amanda deciding to heed Olivia's advice about "needing a little pretty" and choosing to keep them. She has mixed feelings whenever she looks at them, however, and had considered bringing the flowers to her lieutenant's place just to get them out of her sight but doesn't think Olivia would appreciate receiving a recycled gift.

Amanda groans inwardly when Jesse sprawls flat out on the floor as soon as they reach the door to Olivia's apartment, pushing her face into the tiles and letting out a long-suffering wail. She fumbles in her pocket for her cell phone, wanting to warn Olivia that they are here before she knocks, remembering how skittish the older woman has become since both Brian Cassidy and Sheila Porter had randomly showed up at her home last year, neither one of them bringing good news.

The door flies open before she can even begin texting, Olivia standing there with a perplexed look on her face and Noah bolting into the hallway with a squeal of excitement as soon as he notices Jesse lying on the ground. Amanda's eyes roam up and down the other woman's curvy body, taking in her relaxed appearance and comfortable clothing, Olivia's hair pulled up into a messy bun, and a pink blush tinges her cheeks when she realizes that she is checking out her boss.

"Hey, what are you two doing here?" Olivia questions in a friendly but concerned tone, tilting her head to the side and arching one perfectly shaped eyebrow, Amanda's blush deepening at the knowing expression on her face and cursing herself for getting caught. "We heard Jesse crying."

"Uh, we just wanted to stop by for a visit," she replies offhandedly, dragging her gaze away from the oddly arousing sight of her lieutenant dressed in a simple pair of yoga pants and a long-sleeve T-shirt. "But Jesse started sulking because I told her we couldn't stop for ice cream on the way over here."

Noah immediately proclaims that he wants ice cream as well and joins Jesse on the floor in an act of solidarity and defiance, Amanda rolling her eyes and shaking her head as she shoots Olivia a tired grin. "Our kids sure are special, aren't they, Liv?"

Olivia chuckles in response and leans down to pull both children off the ground, leading them inside and telling Amanda they are more than welcome to come in and stay for awhile. She follows the taller woman gratefully into the apartment, smiling softly as she watches Olivia walk over to the couch with Noah and Jesse's small hands clasped tightly in her own, sitting them down in front of the coffee table where a box of Lego is set up.

"What's going on, Amanda? Is everything okay?" Olivia asks quietly once they are ensconced in the kitchen, the brunette pulling food and drinks out of the fridge as they chat. "Is the case still bothering you?"

Amanda recalls the tender hug they had shared in Olivia's office earlier that week, a gesture of comfort during one of the most horrific and disturbing cases she has ever encountered in her career, and finds herself wishing to repeat the action. Neither she nor Olivia are very touchy-feely people, at least not when it comes to each other, and the hug had been such an easy and natural source of compassion; Amanda remembering how surprised she was afterwards that it had seemed so normal, like an activity they engaged in on a regular basis.

Standing here in her boss' kitchen while Olivia prepares a big snack for everyone, Noah and Jesse chattering in the living room as they construct buildings and cars with Lego and a children's movie plays on TV, Amanda is at a loss for words. She had felt an immediate solace upon stepping through the door to Olivia's home, much the same as when they had shared the hug, but her conflicted thoughts and worries are already breaking through the peaceful respite.

She watches Olivia pause in her preparations and glance at her with a frown that mars her beautiful features when she doesn't answer, Amanda shrugging sheepishly and clearing her throat as she tries to find her voice. "Honestly, Liv, I don't know if I'm okay or not. Everything is just...confusing...right now. I needed a bit of a break."

Olivia gives a slow nod at this cryptic response, her frown deepening as they gaze at each other, and Amanda doesn't mention that one element of her confusion is standing right next to her at the counter. Amidst every relationship she has had with a man since her arrival in New York several years ago, one person in particular has always dominated her feelings; a tall, gorgeous, compassionate brunette, and the only woman in her life that has ever provoked such intense, all-consuming emotions from her.

Even now, as Olivia arranges cheese and crackers on separate plates for the kids, dressed in such a casual outfit with dark strands of hair escaping the disheveled bun on top of her head, Amanda is stunned at how attractive she is. The scene is so domestic and informal, so different from their usual high-stress days on the job, that she can't seem to stop her mind from wandering to similar scenarios that might take place in the future.

Despite all of her ups and downs with Al and how terribly he has treated her in the past, there is a hint of guilt when Amanda considers how much time she devotes to thinking about Olivia instead of the father of her soon-to-be-born child. They have grown so much closer over the past year and Amanda thoroughly enjoys seeing the older woman outside of work, whenever their busy schedules actually allow them to have a playdate with the kids or the occasional adult dinner, just the two of them spending time at one of their favorite restaurants.

Being in Olivia's presence is not the contentious situation that it used to be and she has grown quite fond of her over the years, her initial awe and infatuation shifting into a genuine friendship and something else that goes well beyond two colleagues bonding over their kids. Once Amanda had truly gotten to know Olivia on a deeper level, shedding that fangirl attitude she had arrived in New York with and moving past the tension and arguments that had followed, she was spellbound once again by the other woman's incredible personality and striking beauty.

"Would you care to elaborate on that?" Olivia questions softly, Amanda startled when the lieutenant's voice breaks into her thoughts and for a brief, panicked second she is convinced that Olivia can somehow read her mind and is asking about her hidden feelings.

"Your confusion," the older woman reminds her quietly when Amanda doesn't answer right away. "You said you were confused about everything and needed a break. Do you want some time off?"

"From work? God, no, not yet, Liv." Amanda is practically tripping over herself to convey that despite the tedious nature of desk-duty, her job is the last thing she wants a break from, as she'll be spending quite enough time at home after the baby is born. "I just meant that I need a break from everything inside my head. It's all mixed up in there; our recent cases, being stuck in the squad room, my ex-boyfriend..."

She trails off, catching herself before she can add "and you" onto the end of that sentence, sucking in a sharp breath when there is a sudden distinct tumbling motion inside her stomach. Amanda grips onto her round belly with both hands as the baby gives a well-timed kick to her bladder, wincing at how uncomfortable the feeling is and noticing that Olivia is by her side in a flash, her boss instantly abandoning the food preparation.

"Are you alright, Amanda?"

"Yeah," she gasps with a grimace, rubbing her palms over her stomach in a soothing motion. "I think this kid is going to be a soccer player. He or she is a lot more active than Jesse was at this point in the pregnancy. They're wearing me out."

"Come with me, sit down for a minute and get off your feet. Take a rest, honey." Amanda is surprised and pleased when instead of leading her to a kitchen chair or the couch in the living room, Olivia guides her into the master bedroom and helps her get seated on the edge of the bed.

"I figured this would be the most comfortable place to relax for a few minutes, especially since the kids are being pretty loud out there," Olivia explains gently, Amanda's eyelids fluttering closed when she feels smooth fingertips skimming through her hair before balancing lightly on her shoulder. "But if you would rather sit somewhere else instead-"

"No, this is perfect, Liv, thank you," Amanda swiftly interrupts before the older woman starts worrying whether she has made her uncomfortable with her choice of seating, feeling privileged to be let into the inner sanctum of Olivia's apartment.

Her boss graces her with a sweet smile and a squeeze on the shoulder, telling Amanda that she'll be back shortly and they can have a chat after she gives the kids their snack, and then strides from the room with purposeful footsteps. When Amanda is alone, she winces and lets out a tiny whimper as the baby kicks hard again, feeling achy and slightly nauseated as the overwhelmed tears from earlier brim at the edges of her lashes.

She bites her lip and throws a longing glance at the inviting array of pillows that are stacked up against the headboard behind her, wondering if Olivia would mind if she slid backwards on the mattress and just stretched out across the bed for a minute. Amanda reasons that if Olivia had thought it was inappropriate for her to be using the bed, she wouldn't have led her into the master bedroom in the first place and sat her down on the delicately patterned quilt.

"Hey, stop hurting your mama," she scolds lightly, giving a small tap on her belly as she does an awkward crawl up the bed and ends up sprawled out across the sheets when she loses her balance.

Amanda rights herself as quickly as possible and leans back onto the mountain of fluffy pillows with a delighted sigh, her eyelids drooping closed again as her head is enveloped in soft material that smells like Olivia's perfume. She figures she'll just relax here for a moment while the older woman tends to the kids, feeling a stab of guilt because it hadn't been her intention to use Olivia as a babysitter for her daughter or a therapist for herself, and determined to stay silent on the issues that are plaguing her.

"Okay, the kids are all settled with their snacks-"

Amanda's eyes fly open again to see Olivia standing in the doorway, the brunette abruptly cutting herself off mid-sentence and raising both eyebrows at her, the corner of her lips quirked into what could either be amusement or annoyance. "Well, I see you've made yourself right at home."

"I didn't think you'd mind since I was already sitting here," Amanda hastens to explain, blushing to the roots of her hair as she scrambles to get up and finding a gentle but firm hand placed on her shoulder to put a halt to her movements.

"It's fine, you don't have to go anywhere," Olivia assures her softly, pushing her back against the pillows with a light touch. "I was just teasing. Of course I don't mind, Amanda. I know you're not feeling very well, either physically or emotionally right now, and this is the quietest, most comfortable place for you to have a rest." There is a slight pause as the other woman gazes down at her, those penetrating dark eyes boring into her own. "Is it okay if I sit beside you? I could use a bit of a rest myself."

"You don't have to ask, Liv, it's your bed," Amanda murmurs as a flush of nervous pleasure overtakes the aches and pains and tumultuous emotions when Olivia hesitates briefly before stretching out beside her.

For several seconds, they simply lie there next to each other without speaking, the only sounds in the apartment coming from the living room where the movie is still on and the kids are giggling while they play. Amanda had initially tensed up when Olivia had climbed onto the mattress so close beside her, a wave of arousal washing over her at sharing a bed with her boss, but now she finds herself melting into the quilt again and becoming relaxed once more.

That insistent pressure is back on her bladder and Amanda lets out a low groan of frustration, wondering if this baby is throwing a temper tantrum just like their big sister had out in the hallway. She usually finds the flurry of movement inside her belly to be both fascinating and endearing, and is excited to meet the newest member of her family, but right now she just needs a moment to catch her breath and be still.

"The little one is giving you a pretty hard time, huh?" Olivia observes sympathetically, Amanda feeling the other woman's fingers brushing against her own and a shiver running down her spine in response.

"Everyone is giving me a hard time," Amanda mumbles before realizing what she is saying and turning her head on the pillow to see Olivia staring at her with an unreadable expression on her face.

"Everyone?" the brunette echoes with obvious concern. "Is Al bothering you, honey?"

"No, I wouldn't say that he's bothering me, exactly," Amanda hedges with a fatigued sigh and a shake of her head. "I just don't know what to do about him. I guess I should be relieved that he's taking an interest in me and the baby instead of just writing us off like he did before, but I feel more irritated than anything else. He's just trying too hard now, I guess. The sudden change of heart doesn't feel very sincere to me."

"I know you've said you don't love him, so that must be making things more complicated," Olivia says softly and there is an odd note in her tone that has Amanda tilting her head in curiosity, the other woman's voice sounding strangely timid and hopeful. "Unless that's changed...?"

"No, it hasn't changed," Amanda replies firmly, a flurry of butterflies taking up residence in the pit of her stomach that have nothing to do with her overactive baby. "I don't love him, Liv. I never have and I doubt I ever will."

She bites down hard on the inside of her cheek to keep from speaking her true feelings; that the only person in her life she has ever felt so deeply for is the one lying right next to her. The tips of Olivia's fingers are now stroking up and down her forearm in a gesture that Amanda assumes is meant to bring her some comfort, but only causes her heart rate to skyrocket even further than it already has at the older woman's close proximity.

They simply gaze at each other without speaking, sharing exasperated grins when the sound of Lego being dumped onto the floor reaches the bedroom, and Noah and Jesse let out simultaneous shrieks of mischief. Amanda knows that they need to get back out to the living room and that her daughter is more than likely contributing to tearing her lieutenant's home apart, as spending time with Noah never fails to get her hyped up, but neither one of them make a move to vacate the bed.

Another swift kick from the equally mischievous child inside her belly has Amanda gasping in discomfort once again, Olivia shifting closer to her on the mattress and murmuring a hesitant question while her hand hovers in the air between them. Amanda nods gratefully in return, watching as Olivia settles her palm over her distended stomach and begins rubbing slow, pacifying circles around the fabric of her plaid shirt.

She is stunned when the baby immediately calms down, only feeling a slight flutter from time to time, as if her child is much more content now that Olivia is here to provide her usual brand of warmth and tenderness. The aches and pains and nausea gradually start to ease, and Amanda finds herself blinking back a wave of appreciative tears at the care and understanding that her boss is showing her, so glad that she had decided to drop by for a visit.

"Everything is going to be okay, Amanda," Olivia says softly, the older woman removing her hand from her stomach to swipe at a stray tear balancing on her lower lashes, and Amanda can't help but believe her as she leans into the compassionate touch.

She brings her own hand up to grasp gently at Olivia's wrist and for a moment they hover there face to face on the bed, connected and unmoving, as blue eyes bore into brown in a silent question before their lips tentatively meet. The kiss is cautious and unhurried, their mouths caressing against each other as they explore this new and surprising level of intimacy between them, Amanda reaching up to feather her fingers through the silky strands of hair that have escaped from Olivia's bun.

She reluctantly pulls away when the need to breathe becomes an issue, her heart racing out of control and a smile stretching across her face as they rest their foreheads together and bask in this unexpected joy. Jesse's loud screech of indignation from the other room shatters the euphoric mood and they both chuckle quietly, Amanda aware that their brief time alone is coming to an end and they should be getting back to their children.

No words are spoken as they rise from the bed and walk hand in hand toward the door, their actions speaking for themselves, and it feels as if the heavy cloud of despair that has been hanging over Amanda's head has lifted enough to allow some light to shine through the darkness. She threads her fingers through Olivia's and gives the older woman's hand a quick, affectionate squeeze before they return to the living room, her lips still tingling from their first kiss and eager to see what the future has in store.