Haymitch and Effie wait in front a static filled screen, their faces filled with anxiety.
"What happened?" Effie asks.
"Nothing Just some trucks backfiring," Sawyer says evenly.
Two more shots. The door doesn't muffle their sounds much. Who was that? Gus' grandmother? One of El's sisters?
"Both of you, with me," Haymitch says, and we follow him into the room set up specifically for us. He yanks off our microphones, stuffing them under a couch, and then makes us drop our gifts and move on.
As far as I know, Haymitch has only been here once, during his own Victory Tour, so he must have a reliable memory and instincts because he leads us through a maze of stairs and narrow hallways, until we eventually we climb up a ladder and through a trapdoor, leading to the dome of the Justice Building. It's a huge place filled with broken furniture, piles of books and ledgers, rusty weapons. It's clear it hasn't been disturbed for years.
"What happened?" He finally asks.
Sawyer relays everything, the whistle, the salute, the murder of the old man. "What's going on Haymitch?"
"I think it will be better coming from you," Haymitch says to me.
I don't agree. I feel like it will be a hundred times worse coming from me. Sawyer and I have just started to build a friendship and this will shatter it. But I tell Sawyer everything I can, from President Snow's visit, the unrest in the districts, and how the whole country is in jeopardy because of my trick with the berries. "I was supposed to fix things on this tour. Make everyone who doubted believe I acted out of love. Calm things down. But obviously I've done the opposite."
"Then I made things worse too, by giving the money," says Sawyer. Suddenly, he strikes out at a lamp that's sitting on one of the crates, knocking it across the room where it shatters on the floor. "This has to stop. Right now. This - this - game you two play, where you tell each other secrets but keep me from them like I'm too inconsequential, or stupid, or weak to handle them."
"It's not like that Sawyer-" I begin.
"It's exactly like that!" he yells at me and I'm stunned back. "I have people I care about too, Willow! People who will be just as dead as yours if we don't pull this off. So after all we went through, I don't even deserve the truth from you?"
"You're so naturally good," Haymitch tells him. "On your own you didn't need any of us to tell you anything. We didn't want to mess with that."
"Well a lot of good that did," Sawyer says, still furious. "I knew you two had some sort of system worked out in the arena, but I didn't think it would extend out here. And don't even try to deny it, Willow, because he never sent me anything until you showed up." I'd never though about how it must have looked from Sawyers perspective when I appeared having received burn medicine and bread. Like Haymitch was keeping me alive at Sawyers expense.
"Look, from now on, you get the full truth, sound good?" Haymitch says.
"I'd better." Sawyer then leaves the room without looking at me.
"Did you really choose me?" I ask Haymitch.
He shrugs. "It was before the rule change. And he was so hell bent on protecting you. I thought between the three of us we could get you out."
I get up to follow Sawyer but Haymitch tries to stop me. "Give him a minute." I ignore him. "Why do I bother trying."
I'm racing after him, but he doesn't slow down. "Sawyer! Sawyer please!" I call out for him but it's not until I physically grab him that he finally stops. He looks to the side though, still refusing to meet my gaze.
"I thought, I thought I could do it. I mean you're so convincing I thought I could just pull my weight and then everything would be fine. He wasn't just threatening my family, he was threatening you too. And I…I couldn't let that happen. Not when I was the one he blamed for the berries. You could still get out of this fine," I ramble, trying to explain my reasoning and salvage whatever I could of our friendship.
"Willow I don't need you to make those decisions for me. Don't you see how much more dangerous you made this by not telling me? You said yourself. We protect each other. So how can I do that if I never knew there was anything to protect you from. Don't you know what it would do to me if something happened to you?"
"I…I wasn't thinking. I didn't think-"
"You're right. You didn't think. You just did. And maybe that worked for you in the arena, but out here's a whole different game. It will only work with both of us." He grabs my hand. "It's you and me, Mellark. Remember?"
He's right. Although Sawyers words could get him through any situation, the people seemed to look to me. We needed both if we were going to convince anyone of anything.
"You're right. I'm sorry, Sawyer. No more secrets."
"Promise?" He asks, as if my answer means the world to him.
"Promise," I nod. And then because I'd feel better to get it all out now, I say, "Would now be a bad time to propose?"
He sputters, his eyes blinking rapidly. "What?"
I'm suddenly hit with nerves. This entire time of been thinking about how it would affect me and my future but not really about his. I try to explain as best I can the conversation with Haymitch, about how we'll have to continue on with this for the rest of our lives, and they'll continue to expect more from us.
"Obviously they won't care for a bit. But eventually they'll get restless," I say. "We have a few years though. Just…no more secrets. You and Me," I repeat.
"Always," Sawyer says, although I know my words have left him a lot to think about. "But can I still be mad at Haymitch?"
"Doesn't make a difference to me," I say. "Besides he's the adult. He should know better."
"Agreed."
In that moment, it felt like something had shifted between us. I was sure we would have some kind of understanding leaving the arena but now that I know we'll be intertwined for pretty much the rest of our lives, the acceptance of that was opening something up for us. I wasn't as scared anymore because I know I'm not facing this alone, and I would never have to.
We walk hand in hand back down to the viewing room where Effie is waiting with Haymitch.
"You two make up?" Haymitch asks.
"No thanks to you," I say.
"Yeah yeah. This is a thankless job," he grumbles. "You apologize for yelling at her?" He asks Sawyer who looks down at his feet. "She not perfect but she was only listening to me. And it's not like you haven't kept a secret from her ever in your life."
"I know. I am sorry, Willow. I didn't mean to lose my temper. Or throw that lamp."
"It's okay. I've lashed out at a thing or two," I say, thinking about what happened after his initial interview where he confessed his crush on me.
Once we're back on the train, Haymitch makes us swear to stick exactly to our cards. Not that it will matter, the damage has already been done, but they've conveniently cut our ad libs out of the official broadcast.
Even though we stick exactly to the script for all the other districts, there's something brewing in the air. Not everywhere, some districts give that weary-cattle feel that I know District Twelve usually projects, but others, like the Career Districts, there is genuine elation on their faces at the sight of us, and under the elations, fury, and when the Peacekeepers try to hold them behind the line they've put up, there's pushback. I know nothing we do will be enough now. No act of love will convince them to change their minds.
Cinna has to start taking in my clothes around my waist, my prep team frets about the bags around my eyes. Effie tries to give me pills to help me sleep but they don't work. It's even worse after our third to last district, Four.
I'm so distraught when I don't get to say anything in District Four to acknowledge Hudson. I feel overly guilty, more so than with El. Because while I couldn't save El, Hudson purposefully sacrificed himself for me, for a cause that I'm still not sure will ever come to fruition, I'm even more upset when I find absolutely no way to be able to get the ring he meant for Sera to her, even after begging Haymitch. He says none of us can step out of line for the time being, including him. I know exactly who she is when I see her from our large stage. She isn't standing on the platform meant for tribute's families. No that honor is given to Finnick Odair and who I think are Hudson's parents. But I know it's her when I spot her in the crowd. It had to be. Her dark brown hair is covering her face, but when she looks up, I can see the tears and great sadness in her pale green eyes. She must blame me for his death. I blame myself, even if it needed to happen for Sawyer and I's survival. Sawyer tries his best to best to cheer me up, and I can't help appreciating him more for it, but it doesn't really work.
So it's no surprise when it's night, my nightmares become worse. In my dream, Hudson is attacked by the mutts and I'm stuck in the tree, forced to watch him all over again, only this time, there's no relief for either of us. I'm screaming for it all to stop, when suddenly, Sawyer appears, and the mutts attack him too. I'm hysterical, calling his name, as he begs me to help him.
"Willow!" I thrash around in the tree, but the roots have grown around my wrists, physically holding me in place. I struggle, but it's still no use. "Willow! Willow!"
I shoot up with a gasp, expecting to still be in that tree, the agonizing screams of Hudson and Sawyer below me. But instead, I'm in bed, in my compartment on the train. Sawyer is next to me, holding onto my wrists. I let out a sob, launching myself into his arms, and he immediately wraps his arms around me, letting me cry, muttering reassurances that he's here.
"Was I yelling?" I ask, wiping my nose.
"You were screaming my name. And Hudson's," Sawyer says. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really," I say, but then I rethink it. Will talking about it make it better? "I was back in the arena and Hudson was being attacked by those mutts. I couldn't move to help him. And then you showed up and they started attacking you and I couldn't do anything about it. I had to watch!" I cling to him to assure myself he's here. That he's safe. We're safe.
"I'm here. There are no mutts. I'm not hurt," he says, but I only tighten my arms. Then, after a bit of silence he asks, "I wonder why he did it?"
I know he's wondering about Hudson. I shouldn't tell him all the things he told me before the games, about the things he said in the arena. But I promised no more secrets and I have to tell him, even if I'm afraid. But are there cameras in here? Can they hear us?
Sawyer must take my hesitation for not wanting to talk any further because he goes to move.
"No!" I pull him back. I look around as if I would be able to spot any hidden cameras if there are any, but I know I won't. So instead, I rip the covers off from over me, and re-drape them atop the both of us, pulling him downwards until we're both under the covers. It reminds me of a little fort that Dani and I would make as kids.
"What are you doing Willow?" Sawyer asks.
"Do you think they'd be able to hear us under here?"
It's dark in the room, but there's just enough light coming from my bedside lamp that I can see his expression change to understanding. "Let's test it, whisper something," he says, and then removes himself from under the covers.
"Sawyer, can you hear me?" I whisper. No answer, so I try something a little bolder. "Sawyer, I think I might really like you." It's a simple statement, something I haven't even really admitted to myself yet and leaves my cheeks warm. Still no reply. I stick my head out from under the covers to find him patiently waiting.
"Were you saying something?" He asks, no hint that he heard my confession.
"Nothing important," I say, dragging him back under the covers.
We face each other until we're practically nose to nose. It sort of feels like we're back in the cave, huddled together for warmth.
"I feel like a little kid," I admit.
"Me too," Sawyer gives me a beautiful smile. "You know what else reminds me of being a little kid?"
"What?" I ask, my nightmares and what I wanted to tell him temporarily forgotten.
"This!" He reaches out, grabbing my waist to tickle my sides.
"Sawyer!" I'm immediately struggling to get away from him, but we're only getting more tangled in the covers. I hate being tickled, but I still can't help letting out a squeal, laughing at his silliness. "Stop! Stop!"
"Keep going?" He doesn't let up for even a second.
"No!" We're both laughing uncontrollably now.
There's a pounding on the door and we freeze, eyes wide.
"Keep it down in there. You're going to wake the whole train," Haymitch's gruff voice calls from the other side of the door. And then his footsteps are walking away. Well, at least it wasn't Effie.
Sawyer and I wait a moment to make sure we're in the clear. Then we're bursting out laughing again because the whole thing is so ridiculous and anything to mess with Haymitch a bit is a bonus.
"So what did you want to tell me?" Sawyer asks once we've sobered up.
"Oh, right." I throw the covers over us again. Luckily, the cold air makes it so it's not too hot under here. I pull out the ring from Hudson that I had on my bedside table and show it to Sawyer.
"What's this?" He examines the ring.
"Hudson gave it to me before…"
"He gave you a ring? Like they do in the Capitol as a marriage proposal?" Sawyer asks bewildered. He thinks Hudson proposed to me.
"It's not for me," I glare. How could he think such a thing. "It's for his girl."
"Hudson had a girl?" Sawyer asks.
I nod. "Sera. But he wanted to keep it a secret so they couldn't exploit her. And Finnick told him he would get more sponsors if they thought he was single."
"But why did he give it to you? There was no guarantee you would make it out to be able to give it to her."
"He knew. Or suspected something." And then I tell Sawyer, about all the things Hudson had alluded to, in training, during the interviews, even in the arena when he tried to say something against the Capitol, which I was sure was one of the reasons they sent the mutts after us.
"I think…I think he wanted me to do something. He really thought we would be the start of something."
"Willow," Sawyer hesitates and I know I won't like what he's going to say next. "What if he was right?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I'm not saying you're the reason for all of this, I mean that would be insane. But for the Districts to act the way they are now. Those berries might have been the trigger but there must have already been something under the surface."
"No Sawyer!" I'm panicking now, because if what he says is true then I've failed. "There has to be something we can do to stop this."
He sighs. "Maybe we can ask Haymitch. Maybe he'll have some brilliant idea," he says half-heartedly.
I frown, but my head hurts too much to try to come up with a solution right now.
"I think you'll feel better after you get some sleep," he says, pulling the covers down so we're exposed to the cool air again. He lifts his side to climb out but I scramble on top of him.
"Please stay. I…I…" I stumble, not quite sure how to explain my need to have him here. "Please. Stay with me."
"Always," he says. He climbs back in and I intertwine our fingers, closing my eyes in comfort of having him near me as I drift off to sleep.