We wave goodbye to the Everdeens, leaving Katniss and I alone again. Something about what she had said earlier was bothering me and what better time to ask than now?
"Katniss?" I turn to face her.
"Hm?" She pulls her attention away from Prim's retreating figure.
"What did you mean? When you said you couldn't tell if people were being real or not?"
"Oh, that. It had never occurred to me that people could have ill intentions. Growing up, everyone was nice to me, but I never realized it's because they were paid to be or felt like they had to be. And then once I got older, my grandfather tried to shield me from the worst of it but people would be so cruel just simply because of my last name, and I always took it for what it was, until you. Now I know that none of those people and how they treated me mattered because it wasn't real. It wasn't about who I was, only who I was related to."
She takes my hand, squeezing it. "You're real Peeta. You showed me what it's like when someone is genuine. And now I know."
The guilt is almost too much to bear, and all I can offer is a smile that definitely feels more like a grimace.
"I'm going to sit with Gale for a while. You should get some sleep," I say.
Katniss nods, clearly too sleepy to argue with me. I know if she had any more energy she'd offer to stay up with me.
"Goodnight, Peeta."
Katniss moves to step around me but I stop her. "Wait. I never thanked you. For helping Gale. And me. Thank you."
She offers a sleepy smile. "I'd do anything for you. Besides, that man was a, how did Haymitch word it? A piece of sh-"
"Katniss!" I laugh, hooking my arm around her waist and leading her towards the stairs. She leans into me, and I help her to her room, sure that if I let go, she'd be happy to fall asleep on the floor right here.
She falls onto the bed, dragging me down with her with a laugh. I shake my head at her antics and help her get under the covers. Her cheek looks much better and there was a bit of bruising around her eye but the ointment from the Capital was making it heal much faster than it would otherwise.
"Peeta?" Katniss' eyes droop.
"What is it, Kat?"
She tugs my arm down with a sleepy smile. "I think I love you."
I jerk back in surprise but her grip loosens and her hand falls on the mattress. She's fully asleep.
Shit. This is what I wanted, right? So that President Snow would be satisfied and the districts would believe So why do I feel so empty. I should be relieved that it worked.
Even as I sit next to Gale, making sure he doesn't wake up in pain, my mind drifts to Katniss. Everything I've experienced with her has been different from what I thought. But she still watches year after year as children from our districts are reaped and does nothing about it. Her grandfather is the reason all those kids are no longer here and she's never said anything to make me think she's against it.
I didn't realize I had fallen asleep until something pokes my face. Or should I say, someone.
"What?" I open my eyes to find my best friend smiling at me. "What the hell, man?"
"I was bored." Gale tries to shrug but he winces in pain. "My mom's going to kill me."
"I'm going to kill you," I roll my eyes. "You scared the shit out of me."
"Didn't think you still cared."
"Of course I care. You're my best friend. Let me change your bandages. Oh, and get you some pain medication. Sorry, there's no more morphine."
"You don't seem very sorry," Gale chuckles as I check his wounds. It doesn't look that much better but it doesn't look any worse either. It'd probably heal faster with the Capital ointment we used on Katniss. I get to work, applying a thin layer of the ointment to a clean bandage before placing it onto his back. He's awake the entire time, even though I've given him some pain medication. I give him ten minutes tops before he falls asleep again. "Thought you'd be too busy with the Snow girl."
I find myself defending her. "She's not that bad."
"She's the enemy," he hisses. "You said it yourself that you're just pretending to like her so Snow won't be upset. That he's forcing you to make her fall in love with you so she'll marry you. I know you're a big old softie who can't say no to a pretty face but it's not real so don't go acting like it is."
"Wouldn't dream of it," I mumble, placing the last bandage. "Don't worry, I haven't forgotten that she's a Snow."
A soft gasp interrupts our conversation and my entire body freezes. I pray that that isn't what I think it is. Of course that's not the case.
"Katniss," I breathe, keeping my gaze down. "What are you doing up?" My so-called friend has fallen asleep leaving me to deal with the fallout alone.
Please, please, let her have missed our conversation. But when I meet her eyes, I know I've fucked up.
I've seen Katniss happy, upset, determined, stubborn but never have I seen her devastated, heartbroken. Until now.
The perfectly crafted image of the President's daughter that she projected to the world didn't just crack. It completely shattered.
"I came to check on you," she says, her voice void of any emotion. Tears pool in her eyes. "I have to…I can't…" She backs away.
"Wait, Katniss-" I reach out for her but she runs off. "Damn it." I drop the gauze on the counter and run after her. I thought she'd go upstairs to her room but she doesn't. She runs right out the front door, barely stopping for shoes. "Katniss, please!"
Katniss whips around, tears in her eyes. I expect anger, but I only see sadness. "When I saw you during the games, I could tell that you were good. You were so good and kind that for once in my life, I thought maybe I found someone who would look at me, and see me. Judge me for me instead of my name. So I wanted so badly to know you, and you were exactly that. Or at least, you made me believe you were," she says, furiously wiping her eyes. "And then I learned about your mom and I felt like I found someone who understood. That maybe you of all people would know what it's like to be related to someone and have to live with what they've done and be judged by their actions so of course you wouldn't judge me the way the world judges my grandfather." Her voice breaks. "But you never gave me a chance. You were just like everyone else. No, actually, maybe you're worse because you hid it so well and just pretended like you cared about me."
She was right. I never gave her a chance. I always just assumed the worst because of her grandfather that I completely let it overshadow who she was as an individual.
Katniss runs off while I'm still trying to find what to say. I chase after her, slower than I would like with my leg, a sliver of relief when she goes straight to Haymitch's house. He opens the door, they exchange a few words, and she steps inside. I follow, reaching the door right before Haymitch closes it.
"Wait, Haymitch. I need to talk to Katniss."
"No," the older man grumbles, moving to close the door again.
"Please. I fucked up-"
"Yeah, you did. But it's not about you, Peeta. It's about her. Look, I get this whole thing is hard on you. Snow is a vindictive man who I wish you didn't have to have anything to do with. But that girl that's crying in there is not. And despite what the rest of the world thinks, she's a human being too. So you can't talk to her until she wants to talk to you. Just focus on that friend of yours," he says.
"But Snow-"
Haymitch interrupts again. "It'll be fine. She's not the kind to go crying to her grandfather. I doubt word will get back to him."
I know Haymitch isn't going to let me in but I can't get myself to move.
So I finally say, "She protected me."
"I know," Haymitch rolls his eyes. "We all saw."
I shake my head. "No, with my mother. She protected me then too."
Haymitch opens his mouth, and then closes it, probably at a loss of what to say like I was.
"Go home, boy," Haymitch says, giving me a light nudge. "She'll see you when she's ready." And then, he closes the door in my face.
The house feels so alone, especially for the first few days when Gale is in and out of consciousness. Every day, I bring over fresh cheese bread, but I don't know if she ever gets it. For all I know, Haymitch is eating all of it and Katniss doesn't even know I came over.
I start to panic the closer we get to the Victory tour which officially starts tomorrow. Gale was able to go home today after another check from Mrs. Everdeen. It took forever to get back to his house, even with me supporting most of his weight. I helped him get settled in his house, he still has discomfort sleeping on his back, but the ointment we used on Katniss' cheek really helped speed up his healing.
"I don't think I ever said thanks, man." Gale says before I leave. "That new head peacekeeper is no joke."
"Yeah. Thread is going to make our lives hell," I say. "But it wasn't me."
"What?"
"That stopped him. It should have been, but it wasn't me," I admit. "It was Katniss."
Gale laughs but the action makes him wince. "Good one. I needed that."
"No, I'm serious," I say. "She's the one who stepped in first. It's how she got that lash on her cheek."
"Shit." Gale seems to really consider this. An understanding dawns on his face. "She's really not like him, huh"
"No, she's not. Just like I'm not like my mom."
Gale jerks his head. "Who the fuck said you were like that bitch?"
"Hey!" I chuckle. "That's still my mom. And nobody said I was like her. I'm just saying that I'm not like my mom, just like Katniss isn't like Snow."
He seems to consider this for a moment before a slow smile spreads across his face. "So you and her? None of the girls here were ever good enough for you, huh?" Gale says, this time, joking.
"It doesn't matter," I frown. "I fucked it up. She overheard our conversation that night you got whipped and she won't talk to me. She's been staying at Haymitch's since."
"Well, do you like her? Like, like her, like her?" Gale asks.
"What are we? Ten?"
Gale gives me a look and I sigh. "Yeah I do. I think…" I can feel my face heating up at the confession I'm about to make. "I think it might be more than that."
"Like, love? " Gale's eyes go wide. "Holy shit. Well, then you gotta get her back."
"When did you become such a romantic?" I tease, grateful he wasn't giving me more shit for it.
"I'm not saying I trust her, because I don't. I mean, she's a fucking Snow! She grew up around this stuff, no matter how 'nice' she is. But I guess I'll stomach her for you," Gale says, completely ignoring my question. "So what's the plan?"
"Plan? I don't have a plan. I'm lucky if she talks to me ever again. If you saw the look on her face…"
"Just tell her how you feel," Gale says, like it's the easiest thing in the world. "Look, I wouldn't get it a couple of months ago, but since Madge…just tell her, dude."
Gale's words keep repeating in my head the entire walk back to my house. Not to mention my confession to him. When did I fall in love with Katniss Everdeen? It wasn't a sudden thing, that was for sure. But everything about her makes me feel lighter.
Like the way she can light up the room she's in with her smile.
The way she gets a little clumsy when she's a little too excited, or all the time, really.
The way she sees beauty in everything and everyone.
The way she looks when she's out in the woods. My, or I guess our, woods.
The way her eyes light up every time I hand her a fresh cheese bun. Every. Damn. Time.
The way her brows scrunch when I know she's about to argue with me.
The way she refuses to back down from something she believes in, that stubborn streak that most people wouldn't expect her to have.
And the way she sees me, not as the poor boy with the bad-tempered mother, or the Victor of the games, but all of me, and accepts me wholly.
At least, I hope she still does.
I'm so deep in my thoughts that I don't notice the person sitting on my couch until I'm halfway past it.
She's back. Katniss is sitting on the couch, her back towards the door, her posture rigid.
"Kat?"
When she hears her name, she turns, her face impassive, giving nothing away. I feel like I'm getting Katniss Snow, the one she shows to the Capitol and the rest of the world. Guarded, reserved.
"Katniss," I step closer. "I'm so sorry-"
She holds up her hand. "Haymitch explained some things. I understand why you did what you did. My grandfather didn't give you much of a choice. He's been protective of me since my parents died and I guess he saw the same thing in you that I did," she says, giving me a sad smile.
"Katniss that-"
"I'm not done," she says. "I know whatever was between us wasn't real and it will never be real, but I know what my grandfather is capable of, and once he sets his mind to something, you don't want to be the one to ruin his plans. I don't want you to get in trouble." She takes a deep shaky breath, holding back tears. "So we'll go on the Victory tour and give the people, and my grandfather what they want. Don't worry, Peeta. He doesn't have to know."
This was worse than I thought. I've completely broken her trust in me and all she cared about was making sure I didn't get in trouble. How did I tell her that she had it all wrong? That it might have started out as something I was forced into but it's turned into something very, very real.
"Katniss I lo-"
"I'm tired," Katniss says, standing. "And I think your district escort and the prep teams will be here early tomorrow. Good night Peeta," she says, barely meeting my eyes before shuffling past me up the stairs.
"But it is real," I mumble, Katniss already too far to hear me.
I needed to come up with a way to fix this. I could only hope that it wasn't too late, that I would be able to convince Katniss that I really do care about her, but I know it's going to take a long time. Why didn't I disagree with Gale in the first place? I knew I didn't consider Katniss the enemy and I haven't for a long time, and yet my stubborn brain didn't want to believe that it had turned into something else.
But now I was going to do everything in my power to show Katniss that I'm not using her and that I actually do love her.
Whatever it takes.