Chapter Three

Virtue

"I like that you have virtue or whatever" Emma recalled what Jay told her backstage during Dracula. It was something she disagreed with. She felt didn't have that being that she was inches from life just a few weeks earlier from that moment, how could he say that?

It was summer late afternoon and Emma and Jay were alone in the ravine smoking weed up high in a tree, they were holding on the branches and seated on a strong branch and they were pretty much silent and it was on her mind. He glanced over to her she was quiet and deep in thought, he whispered quietly, "what's wrong?"

She shook her head and replied less than sure, "Nothing."

"You were zoned out, what's on your mind?"

"It's nothing Jay, don't worry about it."

"You don't look so sure."

She made a face, "It's stupid."

"You sure you're not bugging out?"

"I'm bugging out." She muttered sarcastically rolling her eyes as she took a hit and passed it back to him exhaling a cloud of smoke.

"Somethings on your mind. Let me take a wild guess. . . "

"Please don't -"

"That asswipe at the pool." Jay grinned trying to get her to smile.

"That's it." She lied wanting him to shut up, but he saw through it she enthusiastically quipped, "do you want a cookie? You don't even know him."

"I'm a pretty good judge of character, Emma."

"Yet here you are hanging out with me."

"What do you mean?"

That's when the mood changed, she didn't look at him she just got quiet all of a sudden. "I'm a bad person." Emma confessed avoiding his eyes, "and you . . . you are too."

He wasn't sure what to say to that, but he took it in stride. He likes being considered a bad person, but he was concerned that she thinks she's a bad person. "I don't think you're a bad person."

"Look at me, I mean really look at me." Jay couldn't deny what he saw beside him a conflicted, beautiful, educated and sad girl. "There's something seriously wrong with the fact I have exactly one best friend who's at camp, I have almost gotten myself killed this year, Chris thinks I'm this big huge slut, the guy I'm interested in isn't remotely interested in me because I'm too chicken shit to say a word to him, I'm hanging out with you, the biggest social outcast in Degrassi and -"

"You know something? You've got a such a stick up your ass, Emma. You're afraid to have fun. It doesn't mean that you're a bad person."

"What do you mean?"

"You're a goodie goodie. You know?"

"Virtue." She sighed, "it's a curse."

"No, you're a good person. Screw Chris, he doesn't know anything. His opinion doesn't matter."

"What about Nate? O-or what Peter-"

"Who the fuck is Nate?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Evidently it does."

It got quiet again before she got candid, "I feel like I'm so many people."

"What do you mean?"

"For my mom and Snake I got to pretend I'm perfectly fine, for Manny I'm supportive best friend despite the fact she abandoned me this summer, I've never felt so lost. I know she goes to camp but I needed her and she's gone. Don't even get me started on Sean . . . Jay I don't know who I'm supposed to be around you. You don't even know me." Emma's eyes started to watered with a sigh, "I haven't told anyone what I just told you."

"Your secrets safe with me." For the first time he felt like he had an inkling into who she was even if she was clueless. He could relate. He could sympathize, "So you gave some thought to what I said back then, huh?"

She just nodded. She didn't want to cry but she felt like she was going to do just that around the last person she wanted to cry in front of. She just nodded her head and looked back down at the ground holding onto the branches of the tree they were sitting on. Jay couldn't help it, he couldn't hold back anymore. "I didn't know who you really were at that time, for what it's worth. You're right. I assumed you were simple not in a dumb way but you're simple as in not complex. Boring. Regular. You're none of those things. I just thought that you'd bounce right back into the fold. Now I know you're complex and it's not a bad thing."

"I'd rather be simple. It hurts too much to be anything but." Crestfallen, she confessed. You could hear the hurt in her voice. "It hurts me when people think I don't like to have fun. I don't like to do things regular teenagers like to do like I'm porcelain. It's like, I'm regular too. Shit like that makes me so angry."

"Then you should do something about it. Unapologetically, be you. You're only young once."

"I care too much what people think of me." She wistfully looked away. "I've never been this honest before."

"How does it feel?" He asked.

"Weird." Then she looked at him, "for someone that everyone thinks they know, they don't know me at all. And now that you do know, what do you think?" They were pretty close in proximity. His thighs were touching hers and for once she didn't mind it.

"It doesn't matter what I think." He told her rather honestly, observing the moment and taking it for what it is. It's like she was daring him to make a move but he for once held back. They were still sitting close. He wanted to be so much closer to her. He inched even closer almost like he wanted to kiss her, really kiss her not the just hooking up and fooling around kissing but something told him not to. Normally he'd be flirting with disaster and he's just now realizing she's playing a part in her own life and she can't stop.

"Sure it does." Emma argued with furrowed brow not moving forward or inching backward, he didn't know what to say as a pause laid over them. She was expecting him to say something profound or take in an action, and then she did something unexpected she jumped down from the tree landing on her feet on bent knees changing her tune. "Fuck it, thats stupid. I don't care what you think. Sorry for bugging out on you." And just like that the moment was over.

Jay took a drag of the blunt that was now just a roach. He dropped it onto the ground and followed her, "You're a bad liar."

She whipped her head and body around, "What do you mean?"

"You care to some extent what I think."

"I know what it's like, to be left behind, I can relate. When Sean left without much of a goodbye yeah it sucked. Spinner's trying to get back into Hotsauce's good graces and I'm just here being me so I get it, Emma."

"I'm not used to you using my name."

"Well it was your request."

"Well thank you for being so accommodating. Anyway I better get home it's getting late."

"Can I uh, walk you?"

Emma thought for a second before going along with it, "Sure."