Chapter 4

Nightmares

Jay and Emma walked together past The Dot and as they turned the corner they saw Peter walk out with a few girls giggling his remarks as he filmed around. Emma then faced Jay you can see the red cheeks and a horrified look on her face, "This was a bad idea."

"Not like you will even talk to him in the first place."

"Yeah of course not - not with all those girls." Emma sighed.

"Well screw him."

Emma rolled her eyes as they continued walking, she just kept talking, "He's always with that turquoise tankini tramp. What if they date and I never get a chance?"

"Emma this is stupid, look at her. She's like what Cher calls a monet in Clueless."

"You've seen Clueless? And what do you mean?"

Jay ignored her first question and just went on, "Please, she's a monet."

"Say what?" Emma raised her eyebrow.

"Put it to you this way, being a guy I am brutally honest and I'll tell you straight up. You look at her from far away like we are she looks like this total knockout babe right?" Emma nodded and shrugged, "but then you got closer you'll see she's a big old mess, total butterface." She giggled shaking her head. "See what I mean now?"

"No but that was funny." She smiled, "I didn't know you liked romantic comedies."

"There's lots you don't know about me, Emma. You'll see that we're not that different."

As they turned the corner to Emma's street she waved goodbye to Jay and walked into the house to hear her parents bickering over bills more than likely. During the time she was struggling during the school year they were arguing over her, and now they're self destructing over themselves.

She retreated to the basement before they could hear her come in. There was a reason she didn't want them to see her because she was still high from earlier and because she didn't want to start another fight constantly walking on eggshells. Emma threw herself onto her bed and sighed. She took a big deep breath and threw her pillow on top of her head so she can muffle the yelling. She could still make out what they're saying. She just waited until nightfall so she could go to the party. She waited till nightfall so she could forget and escape through her basement bedroom window. Initially she thought it was pathetically sad that the only thing she has to look forward to is to get absolutely plastered and forget about her troubles even if it's for a little while.

She rolled over on her stomach and closed her eyes and fell asleep as her legs hang on the side of the bed. She hated being alone with her thoughts because usually it's when the flashbacks begin. She's in the hallway with Toby as they hear the gunshot that she later discovered was Jimmy. And then she sees the haunting expression of Rick at the edge of the hall. The chill in his voice. And then she's usually reminded of her lingering feelings for Sean that just ferment without closure. He saved her life this is true, from what though? She wonders. A summer of wasteful existentance? A life of being haunted by the memories? A life of feeling lost? Sometimes she wished so hard he didn't go so she'd have someone in her life that understood her trauma. Little did she know, the guy she's been spending her free time with had everything to do with the events that unfolded that day. She woke up in a cold sweat as the gun goes off.

Emma struggles with sleep because every time she closes her eyes she's faced with her worst fears. What if Sean never came by? What if Rick had shot her point blank? Would everyone be better off without her? She never told people this side of being the last one standing. Just that it was scary and she was struggling with the post trauma but she simply buried those feelings to save face. She didn't want to be hospitalized or see a shrink. She wasn't suicidal, she just simply didn't want to exist on the planet anymore. She felt like a ghost but it wasn't her doing the haunting.

She decided to get up off the bed, it was around 7 and get on the computer. She noticed a bunch of people were online Jay was on, Manny must've found herself an internet cafe near camp but she didn't want to talk to them. She scrolled down her buddy list and took notice to one name in particular who was on: Sean. She somehow got the courage to click on his name and look through his info. It was blank. Emma almost typed a message but struggled to say anything. She was somewhat surprised when he decided to message her.

whocares: hey how have u been? how is your summer?

sparklespaz: hey, i've been ok. summer has been boring lol

It was a lie. She was far from just okay.

sparklespaz: how is wasaga?

whocares: eh it sucks, how r ur parents?

She couldn't believe it was real. She was talking to him. He messaged her first. She tried to keep it cool calm and collected but honestly she dreaded this question. She kept typing and typing but finally she answered.

sparklespaz: they're ok, healthy i'll tell them you said hi

Between the hospital bills and whatever insurance didnt/doesnt cover Emma's family is in financial ruin. They both, her mom and Snake have to work hard just to make ends meet. Emma offered to get herself a summer job but they want her to focus on her studies and not worry. She feels all sorts of helpless. On top of their back and forth argument's mostly about money its been a strain on everyone.

whocares: weird question but how do you sleep? i can't really remember the last time i got a full night.

whocares: i see a shrink now, believe it or not its been really helpful bc last spring i wasn't able to sleep i sometimes take ambien to sleep but sometimes the nightmares are too much.

She wasn't sure what to say its all been so hard.

sparklespaz: haven't been myself lately with the sleep

sometimes i don't sleep i have nightmares too :

whocares: it sucks

whocares: if you ever wanna chat on here i usually get online when i can't get to sleep, i gotta go right now i work at this place on the boardwalk don't forget to tell your parents hi

sparklespaz: ok nice talking to you bye

whocares signed off at 7:45 PM