Chapter Five

Truth Comes Easy

After the messenger conversation with Sean she felt like she hadn't really dealt with the shooting in a healthy way. She had her doubts she was handling everything wrong, but she also knew that she was doing the best that she could given the circumstances. Her thoughts were interrupted as she got a message from Manny.

sMiLeYgUrLxo: hey em how is summer? i saw your pool pictures on fb you look so pretty.

sparklespaz: ty ugh summer has been so boring without you ! i havent been doin anything

sparklespaz: i have a crush on this guy at the pool hes so cute

sMiLeYgUrLxo: so whats he like tell me all about him?

sparklespaz: we havent exactly talked

sMiLeYgUrLxo: c'mon em you never had an issue talking to guys before, i come back next week i stg you better tell him before i get back so he can seek my approval

sparklespaz: manny i can take care of it, but hes always surrounded by this posse of stupid pretty girls

sMiLeYgUrLxo: well then em i suggest you find a way to make your move before y'kno someone else does and i know that's the last thing you want

sMiLeYgUrLxo: damnit, i have like a second left, i g2g but tell him!

sMiLeYgUrLxo signed off at 8:26 PM

She hated lying to her about the whole ravine and Jay thing but she had to. The last thing she wanted was for Manny to come out with her protective side. She knew exactly what Manny would say. Emma sighed with frustration over the conversation being cut short. She needed to vent but it seemed like the only person she could vent to was Jay. He was unknowing and unbiased to the truth. He didn't care. He was detached. Manny has a bias.

She changed put on sneakers and a denim skirt and a black shirt and walked to the ravine after going through her bedroom window by stepping on the washer. She wondered if she was over dressed and second guessed the decision before dismissing that notion. She saw Jay in the usual spot, he offered her a beer and she accepted. "You clean up nice, just sayin'."

She nodded, even subconsciously it was like she wanted his acceptance. Still unable to accept a compliment she deflected, "This old thing? It's nothing."

He wasn't convinced but he surely dropped the subject, he sipped his beer as they walked to the van, He leaned against the door and asked her quietly, "You know, the vans not just for impromptu tours and smoking."

"And?" Emma asked knowing what he was implying.

"You probably don't want to go inside."

After the day she had she didn't think twice about it, she just plainly replied, "I don't care."

He opened the door ahead of her and she stepped inside. It was empty as they suspected. It was almost as if he wanted to talk her out of it. They were inside and she turned around as he stepped closer, "There's something I've wanted to do for a long time." he put his beer down on the ground and advanced forward.

Emma furrowed her brow expecting him to just shove his tongue down her throat like the first time she was in the van alone with him. Instead she simply asked, "And that is?"

"I want to do this right." he paced she was confused for some reason. When did Jay ever care about doing anything right? She knew what he wanted to do.

"What right?" she asked.

"This." And then he leaned inward and cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. And she reluctantly kissed him back. This time she didn't care how far it went or what they were doing she didn't want to hear him talk, tease her and make his typical remarks. She wanted an escape, and this was it. He was surprised she didn't pull away and protest.

They just continued kissing eventually though she led him to the dirty mattress on the floor of the van stepping backward remembering with eyes closed. It was the first time they didn't smoke first, or drink a bunch. For once, it was real. She fell backward and landed in the right place. He broke away from the kiss for a moment looking at her before asking, "You alright, Green?"

She just nodded before they resumed kissing he decided to take things a step further trailing kisses from her lips to her neck. She didn't care that he broke one of the cardinal rules in them spending the summer together calling her some weird nickname. Emma opened her eyes in surprise before simply taking it in. She decided that this was it. She always imagined this moment with someone else, that someone being Sean but she knew Jay was there and listened to her and wasn't afraid of her or what she had to say. She closed her eyes and just took this moment for what it was throwing caution to the wind.

Jay though felt conflicted inside, he knew Emma was vulnerable and that just made her more and more attractive to him. Not because he wanted her to fall prey to him but that she had an edge, that she wasn't afraid to open up regardless to what she may say. He liked her virtue. In fact he liked her. He knew moments of honesty were fleeting with her so he too took this moment for what it was.

He proceeded to test the waters by cascading his arms around her as they traveled throughout her body while he returned to her lips. He could hear her breathing labor, he could tell she was into it. She paused for a moment as he reached her chest with his hands, but then she kissed him again after he removed her shirt. She had her eyes closed but she kept reaching for his shoulders to pull him closer so she could let him know it was okay to keep going. She didn't want him to stop. He stopped for a second to remove his hoodie because things had heated up to a certain point both literally and figuratively.

To Jay it felt so wrong but something about it felt right. He slid his other hand under her skirt and to his surprise she didn't stop him, and then they heard a knock, he just hollered, "It's occupied."

The knock stopped and Emma caught her breath she looked at him and then he at her before she said, "Should we stop?"

He didn't want to but something about her asking made him wonder if it was a good idea to keep going. He grabbed her shirt off the floor and then tossed it to her playfully, afterward he put back on his hoodie, "I guess someone wants to use the van."

"I -I uh," Emma was confused but she placed her black tee over her head and her arms. "Yeah lets just get plastered."

He beamed at her as they exited the van and saw Amy standing before them. She glared at them with her man of the evening on her arm, "Amy."

"Well if it isn't Greenpeace and Jay, don't you two make a fine couple."

"We're not."

"Well Nelson, your hair says otherwise."

They stepped down onto the ground, Amy and her date shut the van door as they stood awkwardly outside. Emma ran her hand through her hair embarrassed, "Nothings wrong with my hair."

Jay shook his head, "Don't listen to her."

He grabbed a beer from the cooler and gave her one too, "I left my old one in the van and its probably skunked anyway."

"Yeah." Emma surmised awkwardly as she opened up her can and took a sip. "Much better cold."

A few beers later she was starting to feel good and forgot about what happened in the van. The party was still going but it started to die down and a lot of people left, but the last place she wanted to be was home and she was beginning to unravel inside. She couldn't help but think about the conversation she had with Sean today and how she didn't want to tell Jay about it but with alcohol things come out. Emma let out a giant belch and giggled. "Do you wonder how Sean's doing?"

He nodded she was surprised at herself for even mentioning Sean at a time like that, "I do. I know he could hold his own though. You miss him, don't you?." It was a stupid question because he knew she did.

Emma changed the subject and she blurted, "He messaged me on aim today."

"What?" Jay asked, "When were you going to tell me?

She thought back to earlier and there wasn't really a time where she could she shrugged, "He's doing good though, better than I am."

"What makes you say that?"

"His parents put him in therapy to help him deal with it."

"Are you thinking you need to see someone now?" Jay asked her flatly, she thought for a second before nodding her head solemnly, "You don't need a shrink Emma, what you need is time."

"I've never felt more lost in my life."

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"I'm torn, nothing is going the way it should be."

"How should things be?"

"If I were any other girl, we would've ignored the knocks."

"Fair, but you're not any other girl."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're you." Jay muttered taking a sip of his beer, avoiding her eyes.

"I don't get it."

"You're smart, little miss know it all. Don't play dumb."

Emma got up off of the bench where they were sitting with furrowed brow standing in front of him, "I don't get it."

"You're tipsy, Emma, I'm tipsy. Let's drop it."

"Fine." Emma caved, but still wanted to know what he meant. "Can I say something?"

"Sure."

"Jay, when I'm with you for just a moment I feel like I can forget about what happened in that hallway, my near death experience and be and feel normal. When I'm here I'm not the Emma everyone thinks they know. You understand? And maybe you're right I do need time to deal just like Sean did and there's no real way to deal with tragedy, but right now I feel I'm exactly where I need to be. It might be what some consider wrong."

"I know exactly what you mean. I'm the worst person to be spending your time with though."

"Why?"

"I did everything short of pull the trigger."

"Huh?"

He finally told her, "The paint and feathers . . . . it was me."

Emma gasped, she knew Jay was capable of horrible things but she never thought he was horrible. She knew Jay and the other candy bandits and Spinner sans Sean were messing with Rick all along. It might've not escalated to senseless violence but when she heard Jay confess. All she could ask is, "Why're you telling me that?"

"You can walk away right now and I'd get it."

"Why? You want to kill your guilt?"

Jay thought for a second and it was better than the truth. The truth was he was falling but he wasn't sure and he wanted to be sure of it. "Something like that."

"I knew you were bullying Rick, it's not any worse than what I did."

"What did you do?"

"It doesn't matter." Emma confessed to him.

"So it doesn't matter that I'm the reason?"

"You're not it has more to do with Jimmy Brooks and Rick. It's my fault he put a gun to me and I'll deal with it and trust me you don't want to feel the way that I do."

"How are you the one who has to carry that shit on your back?"

"Because Jay I was just as cruel as you were. I'm not that innocent."

"You cruel? Ha!" He laughed, "Mason and I threw him in a dumpster. Jimmy too. No one involved is completely innocent."

"You don't understand." She paced, "I did really terrible things to that guy. I deliberately stuck my nose where it doesn't belong, I organized the orange ribbon campaign against the guy just so I can hang out with the cool kids. I hardly knew Terri McGregor I just wanted to crusade and I got blinded. I know violence against women is unacceptable and yet that's all Rick was ever guilty of."

"And he deserved what he got."

"Does the punishment fit the crime? I ask myself that every single day. Am I being punished or something?"

"I got expelled, Mason couldn't keep his mouth shut I know the punishment fit the crime. I nearly killed the guy."

"And I just put a nail in the coffin." She closed her eyes before opening them again and looking at Jay, "I don't know if I'll ever fully deal or heal but I don't know if I could ever put this behind me."

"You will, trust me."

And that's when she erupted, "Whatever I did, I surely did not deserve a gun, yes a gun pointed at me after he while covered in paint and feathers tried to kiss me! I should've not said what I said but God I didn't want it. I don't want it now either. I did take pity on him. And the worst part was, I told him. He had no one on his side and he thought for a second I was on his side."

"How is that your fault?"

"Because!" She was angry, "the events just play like a stupid VCR rewinding and playing over and over again." She had tears in her eyes, because when she's angry truly angry out come the waterworks and this time she didn't care.

Jay pulled her into a hug, "Take a deep breath." She took a deep breath and didn't pull away she just hugged him tight and didn't want to let go. And for the first time she cried about it, and it wasn't just a few tears shed she sobbed uncontrollably. She struggled breathing but finally listened and then broke from the hug, "it's okay to cry."

"I'm fine." She lied still sniffling, and then she decided the party is over. She just decided she didn't want to be there anymore.

"Surely you're not."

"Its getting late," looking around noticing they're the only people left at the party, "I gotta go."

Jay got up from the table, "Can I walk you back?"

She shook her head no, "I said I'm fine."

"See you tomorrow."

She waved shyly goodbye and turned around to leave Jay alone with his thoughts.