Chapter Eight

What Do you Have to Lose?

Jay paced the ravine alone awaiting Emma's arrival. He was trying to think of something witty to say for when she showed up but for some reason nothing was coming to him. He thought about their exchange in the food court, he thought about their last rendezvous in the van and what she had been telling him little snippets about her, his confession. Was she really grounded or avoiding him? Did what he says have any merit on their flimsy relationship so to speak. He assumed she wasn't coming as an hour flew by. He decided to check his phone and he received a message from her. It read:

Sorry something came up. Raincheck?

He didn't even bother answering her back as he stuffed his phone in the pocket of his jeans, he sighed as he thought to himself why does he even bother? She's playing him and he's no longer in control of the situation. That sentiment makes him feel worse about the took out a bottle from his backpack and took a swig of it. It made him feel better, but he didn't want to be that Jay anymore. He didn't want to be that guy. Here he was drowning out his sorrows alone in the ravine, as usual.

Meanwhile Emma and Manny are catching up at The Dot and Emma couldn't help but feel crappy about ditching Jay and leaving him in the lurch like she did. Despite everything they were somewhat getting along and then she drops him just when Manny comes back home. Manny could never know the truth for fear of a lecture so she kept her thoughts to herself. Manny couldn't help but notice Emma's preoccupation at lunch. "Earth to Emma?"

"Sorry!" She jolted back to reality, with a startled expression and then decided to just talk out of her ass about her trauma which is valid but not exactly relevant, "I just feel tired I haven't been sleeping since . . you know."

"Oh Emma, it's been awhile since that happened." Manny grimaced with concern, "Maybe when schools back in you can talk to Sauve? I feel awful for not being around this summer to keep you company while you deal. Liberty said you two haven't really talked this summer. What have you been doing to keep busy?"

"I know I've been doing a whole lotta nothing and things are still really tense with Liberty. I've been trying to forget everything that happened last year but I still have the nightmares. On instant messenger I talked to Sean and he's been seeking therapy with his parents a few times a month. He says it helps. Maybe that's what I need to do."

"What do you have to lose?"

"I don't know," Emma shook her head no and spoke with hesitation, "I just don't want to burden anyone, especially my parents. I know we can't afford to do anything about it."

"Well you did mention your mom hired you at the salon, I'm sure you can save up for it and at least you won't have to go at things alone I'm back in town again. Things are going to be different this year, you'll see."

"I really hope so."

"Want to have a girls night tonight?"

Emma was quick to shut it down, "Can't family dinner."

Manny paused it wasn't the first time Emma had shut her out when she's feeling low, but she was understanding. She then finally suggested after a pause, "Well how about tomorrow?"

Emma faked a smile, "Tomorrow sounds great."

X

Emma arrived at the ravine and noticed there were several people there, Amy included. Emma took her usual spot and noticed Jay wasn't around. She just observed the people who were visibly high and drunk. It was then she saw him passed out in the grass. She jumped from the picnic table and turned his head upward with her hands. She had never seen him so peaceful. However she shook him around a bit and whispered, "Jay wake up. It's not funny."

He stirred a bit before looking up at her, "Better late than never."

"I said it wasn't funny. Why are you passed out?"

He smugly shrugged, she could smell the alcohol in every movement, "You're a ditcher," he spat.

"What have you been drinking?" She asked him.

She did the math when she saw the empty bottle as he sat up, "What does it matter if it's a party?"

"I came because I felt bad that I didn't come see you after work I just - "

"Let me make it easy for you, I don't need you Emma, never have and never will. Everything I touch I destroy. Stay away from me."

"You don't mean that, you're drunk. Why do you think I'm here? For my health?"

"Oh but I do, Emma. I do mean it. Every word I mean it go away. Don't come looking around for me because I'm nothing but trouble."

"Oh spare me. I know you don't care."

"I am and you don't belong here. You're too good for this scene. You're a good person. Your trauma might have convinced you that you're not but I see you. You've got people that care about you. As for why you ditched, let me guess, Santos is back or better yet the scumbag at the pool finally gave you the time of day? This was temporary Emma and don't worry I won't breathe a word of this to anyone."

"He's not a scumbag you don't even know him and what does it matter? I don't even care about it" She tried to hide the hurt in her voice, "why are you being like this?"

"Don't tell me you've got actual feelings for me." He seemed almost amused.

She lied but he saw through it, "Don't flatter yourself, Hogart. I just thought -"

"Well you thought wrong."

Finally she paused and angrily lamented, "You used me for what? I'll never know." She shook her head, "I should've stayed away from you, this was your stupid idea and I went along for the ride sure. I never thought that - "

"Who used who?" Jay asked, "this was real Emma, none of this was a ride or pretend. I really never felt this way toward anyone. I don't deserve to be around you, you don't deserve to see me because I'm trash."

"What are you saying?"

"What I'm saying is . . ." he started to say, "I like you and not in a . . friend sort of way. I want to be different for you. I want to do things right but I don't know how."

"Excuse me? You like me?" She asked him with a peculiar look on her face. "Why? You actually like me, you're serious?"

He then looked at her with the most sincere look in his eyes and a hint of pink dappled on his cheeks as his voice quieted down, "It's a little more than just that."

Her eyes widened, "I told you - there was conditions in all of this."

"I know. I screwed up."

"I'll say."

"Listen to me though, please. This is real, Emma! It doesn't get more realer than this shit. It's why I was so fucking upset why you bailed this afternoon. It's got me thinking about all these things. It's why I tried to push you away give you an out but you just won't go away. You're stuck in my head and I can't get you out. Emma, I'm terrified and seriously lost as to what to do! Please tell me you feel it too. Please tell me something. Anything."

Emma wanted him to stop talking so she did the unthinkable. She kissed him and not some quick peck she full on kissed him as they knelt in front of each other. There was so much passion much like the last time but this time it was much more intense and neither of them wanted it to stop. Everyone at the party was so preoccupied with their own things to even notice. Before long they were in Jay's orange civic parked in the brush not far from them. No one was going to interrupt them there. They just kept kissing as they tore off everything off of each others body until it was just them in the backseat. There were no words. There were no questions. They simply took a huge leap of faith. It would be her first time finally with someone she had never considered. They could no longer hold back. Everything was out in the open and finally they were acting upon it.