Chapter 14

Inside Out

Manny and Emma watched Mean Girls, their favorite movie.

To Emma, it was always entertaining and quotable. It was to her now, about an average girl who was leading this double life fraternizing with essentially the title "mean girls" and these misfits who were her friends. Aaron Samuels was the male lead, he was handsome, clean-cut and sweet but Shane Oman was the dirty secret in Regina's life that all but came crashing down around her when she was caught. Sean was Aaron and Shane was Jay except not entirely, the boundaries were blurred. Emma was starting to have feelings unique to both guys. For Sean she felt the history, what happened, the mutual understanding and with Jay, she felt the lust, the allure of sneaking around and freedoms being around him offered but also she found herself wondering and thinking about him through the day when they were apart. It was more than just a hook up to Emma. She was about to learn it was more than just that for Jay too.

Emma knew she wasn't the heroine, but she used to be such a Cady. What happened? Who was she now and who does she represent? She realized she was similar to Regina of all characters. She was lying to herself if it sat right with her, it didn't.

Emma asked Manny covertly, "I wonder why they don't portray Regina as real or as sympathetic as they did Cady and Janis and even Gretchen. Regina seems almost untouchable and not even real. Who do you relate to?"

"I don't know, none of them because they're all batshit," Manny's eyes were beginning to gloss over as she took her eyes off the film. As she was eating a piece of popcorn, she looked over at Emma and shrugged before swallowing her food, "It's just a movie Emma, but if you ask me nobody should ever want to be a Regina because secrets and lies they have a way of coming out and biting you in the ass. Trust me."

"Yeah," Emma faked a smile, "but Cady I don't know why she would want to get involved? Why would she want to tear down the girl who noticed her?"

"She had nothing to lose, Emma. Remember last year with Paige Emma? You were starting to change too. Thank-god your inner cause girl came out because I didn't like that side of you. I was seriously concerned." Manny yawned and stretched before retreating to the bed to finish the movie. Emma was beyond the movie they both had seen many times. Before long Manny was fast asleep in the bed. Manny didn't dare mention the ravine to avoid an argument she was too tired to, she just looked up at Emma from the air mattress and told Emma, "Sorry, don't kill the messenger."

The more Emma thought about the circumstances the more she was influenced by what Manny had to say. She thought back to Jay who she had been before so anxious and excited to see and felt all sorts of sour about it.

Emma tried to get their talk off her mind. She turned off the television and looked at her phone to see the time, it was around 10:30 perfect timing to get plastered at the ravine. This time she was distant; we find ourselves at the beginning of the story.

Emma's thoughts and realizations kind of soured her mood whether she chose to acknowledge it or not. It was a small gathering at the ravine. It was Jay and another couple and a few others Amy wasn't there or she was in the van. Party was in full swing and Jay tried to hide his excitement seeing Emma, he cleared his throat and smirked when he saw her that same old Jay smirk.

Emma softly smiled back and sat below him on the actual seat of the picnic table near the fire. "I don't bite, you can sit next to me you know?" She was acting differently and cold toward him so he gently pushed for answers, "or suit yourself."

"I'm fine right here." She answered almost detached. It was cold out both literally and the sound of her voice. She crossed her arms and just watched the others who were doing their own thing and warmed herself by the fire.

Emma and Jay had been fooling around in the van all over each other, the van that she asked to go into after Jay wanted to talk. Her clothes were off and so were his as their hands traveled over each other,

Emma wasn't feeling it, she wanted to get off but Jay was being romantic and soft when she wanted things passionate and uncaring. Frustrated, she finally blurted out, pushing him away literally and physically and killing the moment, "Stop for a second," she asked him rather seriously, "What are we even doing?"

"What does it look like?" He got closer to her but she sat up crossing her arms signaling to put the kibosh on everything at least for now. He stopped pushing at least for a little while.

"I can't." She pushed him off of her and away, she shook her head rummaging around the dim van for her clothes and purse, she wanted to leave in a hurry but Jay wasn't letting her leave without an explanation. She avoided eye contact. A big part of her wanted this to go on mostly driven by her hormonal urges and attraction but her mind and heart were saying no.

"Explain it to me because I don't understand." Jay threw on his shirt and searched for his pants as Emma was getting dressed, he asked her with confusion and worry, "Did I do something wrong?"

She looked up at him and stated, "No, not at all, I just can't do this anymore with you."

"What led you to that conclusion?"

"It's complicated." She brushed it off, her favorite excuse.

Jay didn't even think twice about it; he simply blurted out what he was thinking without hesitation. "Emma, I don't want to stop. Plus we're having fun. Normally this wouldn't bother me but it does. I don't want to just quit because I don't think I can. I love the way you kiss me and everything else. I like what we do. I love it when we talk about things when we do even if it's seldom but fuck it I like it. I don't want to let go of that. Does the summer we spent together mean nothing to you?"

She thought for a moment but refused to answer that last question. She'd be lying to him and her self that she didn't. It meant a lot to her, the world even. "Remember Jay I call the shots!" She stammered, "it's not that simple. I should have known this was a horrible idea. If I remember correctly it was your shitty idea but you made this stupid deal with me so you're stuck either way."

"You would've spent the summer sober, bored and alone if I remember correctly, but now I've been hooking you up and fuck it Emma, fine," He was about to say something more but then he stopped, and then he showed a little bit of vulnerability, "I don't want to stop hanging out with you. What is it?"

"What do you want from me, Jay? What more do you want from me? I've given everything I could give. I've been very clear with you, why does this come as such a surprise? Why don't you just accept it? Look around there's plenty of girls to bone here. You won't miss me, you won't miss them. Why me? I know exactly who you are and I'm becoming someone I don't like when I look in the mirror. I feel like I'm so many goddamn people. I feel wrong. I'm sorry if I led you on but I don't think we're on the same plane anymore."

"They aren't you!" A period of silence between the pair occurred followed by Jay breaking the silence. "Can we," Jay inched forward caressing her face as she stood still, "can we just," he looked in her eyes causing her to want to scream on the inside a yes but he finally added, "have one more night? I want you to stay." She wanted to turn around and leave but something kept her there stalling a few minutes. She wanted to tear his clothes off again, she wanted to be in his arms, she wanted to tell him how she had been feeling until it all felt wrong. There were so many things she wanted to say but they kept it to themselves. She simply wanted him, all of him but she was fighting the inevitable.

She had to fight those feelings because then they'd be real. The way he talked so softly to her on that evening, it was easier when she didn't feel the way she did or when she felt nothing at all, "Why? What's so special or whatever about me? Is it because it was easy? No strings you're only human and besides, now you don't have to worry about me or me cramping your style."

"No, not at all."

She laid it on thick with her Jay Hogart impression, "Virtue or whatever?"

He shook his head no somewhat hurt by the remark, gritting his teeth he replied, "Stop it, Emma."

"Why then?" Emma asked him, getting angry. She pushed forward, "Why?"

"Look I don't know what has gotten into you tonight, I wanted to talk and you didn't. You were acting weird all night. Quiet distant and then we come in here and you want to fuck so we do. I know I mean something to you or else you wouldn't come around."

Emma was growing impatient, "You didn't tell me why."

"Do I need a reason, it's because I'm falling for you Emma, for real." He began to open his mouth to say more but Emma spoke.

She cut him off quickly and dismissed him, "I told you not to do that."

"Rules are meant to be broken. I can't help the way I feel and besides, I think you feel it too."

"You wouldn't get it and besides there's something you should know." Emma sighed, "this is the final night. I'll stay the night but we gotta stop doing this." She told him sad avoiding his eyes until that moment when she said to him, "I don't want to hurt you."

"Just tell me?" He whispered attempting to hold her and be affectionate with her but she kept pulling back.

Earlier that night, Emma said that she knew Sean was gone and she didn't need to be reminded but she knew for a fact that was a lie. She knew exactly what was going on with him. She didn't deserve to be with him or Jay at this rate and she knew it.

Finally, she couldn't keep it to herself. She walked toward the door, "I can't do this. Remember the rules?"

"Of course and they don't matter. No one can know, I had to get tested, and I can't go falling in love with you. Damnit, I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I know who you want but look around Emma, look at me? I'm here. If he gave a fuck he would be there for you but I was there for you when everything in your life went to shit. That's got to count for something, right?"

Emma was hurt by that remark.

Her eyes began to well up into tears, truthfully she didn't realize just how much she liked him and how she'd managed to make a mess of things that were complicated anyhow. She knew there was no guarantee she'd even run into Sean again even if he was back in town, but she wanted to be right in the mind for when he did and Jay took her away from that side of herself. She was torn and conflicted. She murmured, "Summers over, this is over."

"It doesn't have to be though."

She blurted out, "Sean's back in town, I thought you should know. I saw him at Peter's party."

"You didn't even tell me?"

"Didn't come up." With that, she turned around to leave and pushed the door before he could say anything back and she didn't want to see his reaction. She would've walked away completely but something or rather someone stopped her dead in her tracks as she pulled the van door open, Sean. Her bright brown eyes widened as Jay was just about to follow her out to have more words with her and try to convince her to stay again, but he too saw what stopped Emma. Sean Cameron was there at the ravine standing in front of Emma and he heard every word between Emma and Jay from outside the van.

He wasn't happy it was written all over his expressive face. No one was happy and everything was falling apart and suddenly unraveling. Nothing was clear but one thing was for sure it was Emma's fear coming true. Even worse, the secret was out, beans spilled and it wasn't even a good secret.

They were fucked. Jay and Emma were no longer a secret. Were they over, not by a long shot.