Chapter 16
Secret is Out
Initially, Emma didn't want to text Jay back, he had texted a few times out of concern his last few texts really tempted her. Deep down and even on the surface, she wanted to answer. Manny heard the vibrations on Emma's desk and asked her looking up from her magazine annoyed, "You might want to pick that up."
Manny didn't confront Emma and only was going to bring up her findings if Emma brought it up first. She had a feeling, and she knew something went down the night before but she didn't want to talk about it. She didn't press Emma for details, it's her intuition.
"It's just the guy from the ravine. He wants to talk." Emma told her in a sort of way like she's stalling, "I don't really know what to say. You know I hate confrontation."
They hadn't talked since the Sean incident that Manny knows nothing about. Manny masqueraded and beat around the bush, "I think you want to so just talk to him I don't care. Might I suggest that you avoid or don't under any circumstances hook up with him it'll muddle things? Just saying."
"I'm honestly not sure what to say to him, I always cushion bad news with him with a little something-something."
Manny shrugged hating how Emma still continues to lie by withholding information, "I know who he is."
Emma sarcastically rolled her eyes as she got off the bed, "You know him alright, but I ain't gonna tell you who and I know you don't like him." Manny just about had it with Emma and secrets, "I know it's stupid but I can't really help it."
"No I mean I know exactly who you've been with." Emma almost tempted her to say his name, "Do you mean Jay? Of course not because he's trashy because he's hooked up pretty much with every girl in school. Why are you with him? Don't even get me started on how he took advantage of you this past spring and probably now, how could you get suckered into it? He's a terrible guy."
"You're wrong Manny, seriously? We are not having this conversation." Emma muttered to herself putting two shirts to her body in the mirror. Finally making a decision, she took off the existing shirt for something a bit more revealing. She primped in the mirror barely paying attention to Manny's warning and chastizing.
"Emma listen to me he's a serial cheater, who's to say you guys get involved and he cheats on you?"
Emma looked back at Manny, "That's an ain't never. We're no strings casual, safe sex all the way there's no trace. He just is texting me that we're meeting it's under control."
"Does he know that you're playing him?"
"Well yeah, Manny. It's complicated. I can terminate the arrangement with him at any time. I'm fine."
"He turns you into a pile of mush I know how guys like him operate. It's too late to push him out because you want to drag this out because you already have feelings for him!"
"Manny, stop I need to concentrate and compose my thoughts."
"Be careful girl, I mean it. Do you even hear yourself right now?"
"Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about. This is why I didn't tell you first thing."
"What's this? What do you mean?"
"Manny, I hate to break it to you but you're judgemental."
"I'm just concerned."
"You're just jealous of me."
Manny rolled her eyes and laughed at Emma, "Em that's not fair and so far from the truth. Keep telling yourself that because yeah, I'm jealous of some dirty gang banger that's doing god knows what to my lovely friend."
"Stop being a goddamn bitch."
"You first."
"Ouch. You're acting like a whore."
Emma screamed angrily exclaiming, "I hate you!"
"I hate you right back."
Emma grabbed her phone and decided to go to Jay's, "Fuck this, I'm out don't wait up. I'm sorry I even let you live here you freeloading freeloader!"
"Real nice, real mature Emma," Manny called out finally Emma shut the basement door with a frustrated slam and walked to Jay's house. She knocked on his door and he answered, he can tell just by looking at her she was angry about something. On her way, she didn't run into anyone which was a good thing.
"Is there a reason you're here?" Jay asked, "you been avoiding me?"
She dodged his questions as she innocently asked, "Can I come in?"
Jay stepped slowly backward letting her in she told him not to say a single word but watching her explain herself, "Manny and I had a fight. Can we talk?"
"Of course." Jay told her as he sat down, Emma sat down on the couch beside him as he lamented, "Sean doesn't want to be friends. He's saying that I'm a shit friend and he's probably right."
"You've always been a good friend to me," Emma tried to make him feel better, "you tried to at least. I just need to tell you something."
"What are friends for?" He bellowed sarcastically, "shoot."
"Don't sulk, I'm serious right now or trying to be. I just don't know what to say to you right now because I broke the rules we set and agreed to as well."
"How so?" Jay avoided her eyes somewhat sad. Emma could tell he had a lot on his mind.
Emma leaned in close and stroked his cheek gingerly, "I've been lying and trying to compose myself because as much as I would not want to admit it but I have feelings for you." She offered him a shy sincere smile and continued with a nervous chuckle, "It's probably the first honest thing I've said in a while. You don't have to say anything. I've just been trying to protect myself from you, for what though? You can't always help how you feel though and you're not alone. I couldn't tell Manny the truth, we had a fight we said some pretty shitty stuff to each other too. I'm changing and I don't know who I am anymore but the only solid ground and the familiar ground I stand on is you."
Jay was brave and asked, "What about the other night? When you went off with Sean?"
"Nothing happened he just walked me home. We talked. I got a lot of things off my chest about things."
"Do you think I'm stupid?"
Emma shook her head and wrinkled her brow with confusion, "I don't think you're stupid."
"Sean told me about how I'm the bad guy and I should be ashamed of myself."
"What?" Emma asked, "what do you mean?"
"He said you told him it was my idea as if you were innocently not down for the ride."
"No," Emma told him, "I just didn't want him to be mad."
"Now since Sean is around and possibly into you or you think you got a shot with him because you probably you don't know what to do. Do you go back to me and then back to him? You only wanted me because he wasn't around. I'm not going to get on and off a merry-go-round with you. Either you want me or you don't, I don't do well with being played. Well played, why don't you take a bow and get the hell out of my life and stop leading me on. It was better when we didn't feel anything."
"But none of that is true!" Emma retorted, "I want you, just you." She whispered, "Just you"
"Prove it." He told her, and she shrugged on how she could convince him, "how am I supposed to believe what you're saying? You're always being such a tease, you're hot and cold. You get real serious and then it turns out you're playing. I can't believe you and I don't want to play."
Emma's eyes started to water, finally, she looked him in the eyes and bit her lip in a nervous sort of way before speaking with a broken sounded voice, "How could I prove it? You're just going to have to believe me."
"Just stop playing the game, get serious and stay the night with me, here no buts."
"I am serious and I'll stay as long as it's just you and I."
"No rules, no expectations okay?" Jay told her, "no shit it'd be just you and I. Do you want something to drink? I got some whiskey so you can't go home."
She smirked and relented, "I told you I was staying, didn't I? Maybe I can help you study?"
"No studying," Jay got up and poured them both two drinks. He mixed in some Coca-Cola from the fridge as Emma followed him to the kitchen. "The only game we're playing is two truths and lie." He set the drink in front of her on a coaster. "You need to say yes to things a whole helluva lot more."
Emma lifted her drink and took a sip, it was a strong one but she didn't want to wimp out. "Who goes first?"
"You do. I want to get to know you better."
Emma thought for a moment for something and then she started, "My mom had me at 14, I met a guy online when I was 12 years old and um I like dolphins. Spot the lie."
Jay told her, "Obviously on the dolphins being your definite truth. I don't think you met a guy online when you were 12 though."
.
She coughed, "I did."
"Was he into the stuff you were into?"
"He wasn't who I thought to answer your question. It was a huge ordeal. I met him when my mom was out at a hotel he was supposedly staying at I took a cab."
"So you have a history of sneaking out?"
She was humored about it, "anyway so it took me a while for things to click. I'm in the lobby and this man about '30s got pizzas. He asked me my name and I didn't even think about it. He said well it doesn't matter what he said but we went upstairs together to meet up with my quote end quote an online friend and then things got really weird."
"Did he hurt you?"
"Tried to I guess but somehow my future step-dad and my mom arrived with the police it was this whole big ordeal and my computer got sent to the FBI pretty much. He went to jail and he's got a no-contact order against him so there's that."
"Damn." Jay told her with surprise, "pretty badass."
"I was grounded for a month at the very least and it was not one of my finest. Okay, your turn."
"I really like that top you're wearing," Emma looked down and beamed but sure that was the lie because he said it first, "I think you're beautiful and I know who stole your stepdads laptop a few years ago."
She pursed her lips together, "Well played, of course, because it was you."
"I didn't say I stole it. No, Sean did it."
"I was right all along? Son of a bitch." Emma gasped with her mouth open, "wow."
Jay laughed, "He told me never to tell anyone, especially you when we were going to the pawnshop. Since he and I aren't cool I figured I'd let you in on that."
"I thought I was crazy. I went out on a limb on that theory!"
"We also stole the DVD player in the resource room, you confronted us with that shit too."
Emma shook her head, "You're lying about the shirt."
"Nah I fucked up because I'm fucked up and I forgot to lie."
Emma smiled and laughed, "Okay, so is it my turn again?" He nodded in response and she thought, "My first impression of you sucked, I had never been truly drunk until I've been drunk with you and I like you a lot."
Jay smiled and she smiled back, "Well played."
Emma downed the rest of her drink and Jay poured her another glass, they talked for a while longer. They smoked a joint that Jay rolled and watched a little of a movie before Jay forgot about the movie and started paying attention to Emma and she took her eyes away from the film and put them on Jay. What did their interaction mean? He knew she was there for the night. She was in his presence and he wanted her around. They didn't argue over things being complicated. In fact, nothing was so complicated anymore. Jay slowly inched closer to her and pressed her against the couch and into a kiss she didn't pull away from him. He whispered quietly, "Do you want to go in my room?"
She whispered, "Yes," and without hesitation, he took her by the hand and they retreated to the bedroom.
Things only heated up from there and they were far from tired. Everything felt right. They never felt more connected or close to one another. Jay wasn't forceful but he was gentle with her as they succumbed to their desires. He held her close to him as they sat face to face attempting to catch their breath from a, particularly heated session. Sweat was dripping off their bodies which were some sort of commonplace since they were almost always in the hazy old van, "So, um how are you?"
"Good," she beamed with this angelic glow about her to him.
"Good to know," he told her, "just good?"
"Better than good."
"What would better than good be?"
She giggled and shrugged her shoulders, "I don't want to go home good."
"You're staying here remember?"
"I know, I mean tomorrow morning."
"After my world-famous veggie omelet maybe not world-famous but you get the idea."
"Breakfast in bed?"
"It could be arranged," Jay chuckled, "I like you, Emma, a lot. It feels so freeing to be able to say that."
"It has a nice ring to it don't you think?"
"Kind of like the word girlfriend with you, has a nice ring to it don't you think?" Emma's face turned all sorts of shades of pink to red to blush and buried her face in her pillow, "I take that as a yes."
A smile played on her lips, "It's more of a possibly maybe."
"C'mon I know you wanna say yes, and bonus points because you'd be making my dreams come true."
"Yes."
"I sense a slight but coming."
"No buts." She laughed, "I want to be with you."
"I want to be with you too."
"Of course you do, I knew that much so then it's settled. So it is." She responded, she inched closer and pulled him back closer to her, "it's really hot in here or is it just me?"
"Not just you." He smirked as they held each other close as they both sort of sobered up from the evening, he couldn't see her face because it was sort of smushed in his shirtless chest with her arms around him tight. It was still daylight but the sun was going down and day bled into night, he softly nudged her, "so what are you thinking about?"
"Everything is going to be different now."
"How so?"
"I don't know just saying. I'm just thinking about it now and I realize it'll be different."
"Good observation but you're right but I like to think of it as a good different. Perhaps things won't change as much as you think."
She looked up at him, "I forgot to even tell you more about the fight I had with Manny god it was bad."
"What was it about?"
"My extracurricular activities, how I spent summer, being judgy about a lot of shit. I've been so mum I don't know how she figured out you were who I've been spending my time with but she really tore into it."
"Is that why you came to me?"
She lifted her head, "What?"
"I know you heard me, I just mean, is that why you come over because you wanted to spend time with me?"
She nodded, "I needed you to see you. I wanted you and you always somehow make me feel better when they don't feel better. You make me laugh, you make me smile. You make me feel like me again."
"Now you have me, and now I have you and now that I have you I'm not letting go."
"Neither am I," she tightened her grip of her arms laying her head on his chest close enough to hear his heart beating against her. It felt good to be on the same page, in the same bed together. He grazed the top of her head with his chin and then kissed the top of her head. She lifted her head after and then she inched upward and kissed his lips.
They talked back and forth for hours not leaving the bed. Alternating between holding one another and cuddling to full-on making out except there were feelings now attached and it was more organic and real. There were no guards sky high just them. There were moments of talking but also moments of comfortable silence. It was quite possibly the greatest night they ever shared together because finally after everything they were on the same page. There was a vulnerability to that on both ends. Jay wanted to end the fling and begin something more serious with her and Emma was willing to be serious and let her guard down with Jay. She didn't think about Sean, she didn't care what Manny thought she just wanted to live in that moment.
Elsewhere, Manny was at Emma's house in the basement she was upset and concerned. She instantly regretted some of the things she said to Emma. Emma had her phone on silent in her purse she left on the couch at Jay's, she didn't bother checking it but Manny was feeling some residual guilt from their fight earlier and tried to contact her. She was still planning despite everything to cover for her if her parents asked. She needed to corroborate the plans with Emma who was MIA. She knew she was with Jay so she decided to make her way to the ravine to search for Emma.
Emma and Jay decided to order a pizza because they were hungry. Jay called his favorite place Antonios and he ordered the double cheese which was the safest option for Emma's sake because she didn't like pepperoni. As they cut open the pizza and Emma drank her soda mixed with whiskey she asked, "Have you considered coming back to school at Degrassi?"
"Emma I can't, so I got to go to plan B or C. When you get expelled you don't simply just get unexpelled."
"I just figured if you talked to the principal she might be lenient."
"I can't just waltz in and get back into Hot Sauce's good graces. Spinner's a retard for thinking he could sitting in summer school. It ain't my scene and never really was."
"What about homecoming and prom? Semi formals? Graduation? I just would hate to see you miss out on stuff."
"Em was I ever at a stupid school dance? I wasn't in the student council and there were days I never even bothered to show up. Degrassi will be fine without me, probably even better than fine."
"I just thought that you'd want to consider the possibility."
"My grades are shit anyway what kind of principal would let me back in? I'd like to go back I guess but I know it's not a possibility for me. I got to move on from that place."
"Well, I said I could help you study so you could get your equivalency."
"I'm glad you said that because that would be awesome."
"What comes easiest to you English or Math?"
"Math when I showed up."
"Ugh, I'm abysmal with math so I'm glad you don't need that much help with it. My best subject is English. I can help you with that, Media Immersion, Social Studies and everything else pretty much."
"Spoken like a true honor student. We can study this week but tonight the only thing I want to study and know like the back of my hand is you."
"I'm an open book." Emma accepted a piece of pizza from Jay and took a bite, "Antonios has the best pizza."
Emma loved their double cheese even if it reminded her of that one summer she spent with Sean. Tracker was on the job hunt and going to interviews and eventually, he got a job and was working so he was rarely home and it was just them most days. Sean and Emma polished off every DVD they owned in their meager collection and ate so much pizza and Emma spent most of her time avoiding the fanfare at home before Jack's birth. Life was simple. It was the summer she moved in the basement and Snake was dividing his time slowly working on her room and painting the house and nursery prepping for Jack's arrival. Sean didn't come up but he wasn't absent from her thoughts. Helping Jay's study was another reminder as she used to help Sean study the year they got together so he wouldn't fall behind. Jay was much more confident in his abilities and honest and fair about his shortcomings than Sean was. Sean would let them nearly paralyze him and almost eat him alive where Jay took it in stride.
"I agree," Jay said, "if you weren't here I'd eat the entire box."
"You spend a lot of time alone?"
"Of course, bullying someone to death and being expelled makes you kind of how do I put this bluntly hated?"
Emma understood it all too well, "I don't hate you."
"Not even when I told you it's my fault Rick became a homicidal maniac? What was your first impression of me anyway?"
Emma scoffed, "Before this summer? You don't want to know."
"I probably don't. When we first met two years ago. I can't believe how things are now, you like me and don't think I'm a piece of shit."
"I thought you were mean," Emma told him with a shrug, adding, "I thought you were a loser."
"You're not wrong about the first one but, ouch."
"I didn't know you to be fair, and at that time I didn't want to know you. Honestly, though first impressions don't always stick."
"Aint that the truth."
"What did you think about me?"
"A prude, now I know that isn't true. I thought you were this judgemental girl who disliked me when I first met you. I didn't think you had a sense of humor, I didn't think you'd be down to hang, I didn't think you thought I was cool. To be fair I didn't care but now I do. I'm not proud of who I was back then because of the way I acted I have a lot of enemies."
"So how come you and Spinner fell out?"
"I told him to go fuck himself for ratting me out but then we were friends for a while but I probably fucked it all up for not being supportive of him trying to go back to school. If I were a good friend I'd of egged him on but his reasons are stupid."
"Why does he want to come back? No one even likes him at school. I've heard the rumors."
"He thinks he'll get his friends back if he does. They think he's the scum of the earth, they'll never forgive him for what he did to Jimmy. I know it and I think deep down he knows it too but he wants to try." Jay went on, "Alex is cool with his crowd now go figure, that DelRossi kid, Michalchuk and the cripple. I didn't think it'd go that far."
"What even happened?"
"I didn't think the psycho would take a gun to school and blow Jimmy away. Boy did I not see that coming."
"Neither did I," Emma told him, she started getting full she just sipped her drink.
"Sorry."
"What do you have to be sorry about?" Emma asked him softly.
"I know talk of this shit upsets you, I just don't have anyone to talk to about it and it's my own damn fault."
"It's not too late to talk to Alex and get your closure on how you feel about the end of everything."
"She fucking hates me and I deserve it. She's better off even though I know she isn't really."
"Better off how?"
"Plus I don't want to be with her anymore. At first, I wanted to because I was feeling lonely but she has her own shit and she needs to hate me because it makes it easier. I cheated on her for no reason but I don't even think our relationship was entirely healthy better off split up."
"How long have you known her?"
"Since we were six or seven. Then we switched to a relationship for no apparent reason and we dated like three and a half years."
"That's about how long I've known Manny. We were elementary school friends. We were about six years old. I don't think an apology wouldn't help. Do you know how many times we fell out?"
"I'm pretty sure a sorry I fucked your best friend, gave you both a disease and forced her not to tell her until I spilled the beans when the shit hit the fan? She ain't gonna forgive me. I tried."
"When you say it like that well it doesn't sound likely."
"See what I mean?"
"I forgive you even if it's not the same thing."
"We weren't together then."
"Yeah, we weren't."
"My track record sucks, but I hope you'll be able to trust me."
"I told you a lot about some of my secrets. I think we crossed that bridge already."
"I just wish that I didn't do such shitty things to people so that you can trust me and depend on me for anything. You know you can come to me with anything and I'll do my best to help." Jay told her, "it doesn't even sound like me but I'm sort of turning this new leaf and I like it honestly. I don't want to hurt you, I never want to. I want to have the type of relationship I didn't with Alex." Jay thought for a moment and then he said, "Wait right here."
Jay went to his room in his drawer and he got it. It was in the box with a few pieces of jewelry left behind by his mom. Inside was in a smaller one where he kept the momento. He took it out it was a silver charm bracelet with a little hanging diamond surrounded pearl. He walked back in the kitchen and Emma asked him, "What's going on?"
"I almost forgot I got you something."
"What is it?"
"Hold out your hand and close your eyes."
Skeptically, Emma did what she was told she closed her eyes and he placed it in her open hands, "Open your eyes."
"Oh goodness." She beamed gliding it across her fingers and feeling the silver. It was real, "it's beautiful."
"It was my mom's." Jay told her pretty seriously, "she told me when she was really sick before she died that I should give it to someone special when the time is right. I figured now would be that time."
Emma admired the beautiful silver bracelet. It was expensive and elegant but dainty all at the same time. It was her taste even though they spent so little time together he knew she'd love it and above all, it was from Jay she couldn't help but smile, "Thank-you. It's so beautiful."
"Kind of like you. When we're not around each other wear it and um think of me."
"How could I not think of you when I see this? It's the nicest thing anyone's ever given me, a huge improvement from that hideous green bracelet you gave me that first time at Bennet Park."
"I'm glad you like it," He snickered at her remark about the cheap green bracelets he'd give out to hookups at the ravine, "do you want me to put it on you?"
She nodded, lifting her arm after wiping off the pizza grease with her napkin on her hand, "Why did you give this to me?"
"I really want this to work out and I wanted to signify us together with something real. Do you like it?"
"Like it? I love it."
"I'm glad, think of it as a study present for helping me out too. Kill two birds." She beamed not being able to take her eyes off her wrist. He tightened the clasp, "What's cool about it is it's supposed to be good luck. It was her good luck charm. She was wearing it when she met my dad. It was given to her by her grandmother. It's kind of a family heirloom it's older than it looks. I don't have a family to speak of anymore so, it's for you."
"What was her name?"
"Connie."
"What was she like?"
"I don't remember much anymore." He told her, "she died when I was little. I was like eight and then it was just me and dad but he worked all the time. I was with nannies and I'd usually scare them off because I missed mom. I just remember she used to sing to me and make me my favorite foods. She raised me. She wouldn't probably agree with some of my choices but I know she loved me." Jay muttered bitterly, "and then my dad got remarried and I didn't like her and neither did she. She wanted to ship me off to some boarding school, but I refused and acted out and rebelled. He didn't want me to be around because I'm an embarrassment. So he bought me the apartment and here I am. I'm no longer a son of his. When I got expelled he cut me off kind of but he'll pay for my apartment go figure."
"How do you make money?"
"I wanted to have this talk another day but since you asked I sell drugs. I want to go straight and do cars. I miss going to the shop class. It's why I'm in a hurry to get my equivalency."
"Well then Jay tomorrow I can look through my school stuff and we can study tomorrow. We can meet at the library."
"Sounds good," Jay told her. "I hope you're not in a hurry to go home tomorrow because I was serious about breakfast."
"Not in a hurry, can't wait." Emma knew there was a chance she could be grounded for a few days but that wouldn't stop her from talking to Jay and possibly sneaking out to see him. While Jay poured the next round, she finally checked her phone and looked through Manny's texts, texted to her she's not at the ravine but she's fine and that they'd talk tomorrow and then she helped Jay with the dishes from their dinner.