Chapter 27

Reputation

Emma couldn't wait for the school day to end. She had spent most of the day avoiding everyone. She was still stinging from the heartbreak that had consumed most of the night and that day. She barely ate and she hasn't slept all that much.

It started to really sink in that it was all pretend unbeknownst to her thoughts couldn't be further from the truth.

Elsewhere, Jay was sort of a mess. He woke up around 10 that day, rolled out of bed but refused to leave his house. It wasn't summer anymore so he knew the next party where he could unload his frustrations wasn't until Friday night and here it was only Tuesday going on Wednesday. He decided to go in his fridge and grab a beer even if it was early. He wanted to numb the pain he was feeling and forget about her but everything reminded him of her and how he managed to fuck up the only good thing he had going for him. There never will be another Emma, he knew that and she was in a class of people all her own and he was on the outskirts. They were better together but they needed to be apart for now. Jay desperately didn't want to bring her down, corrupt her, or hurt her anymore. In his mind, he wasn't worthy of her and she deserved to date a guy like Sean who was always good to her almost to a fault. It made it easier that he wasn't in those halls. He didn't have to be around her, see her every day but maybe she'll thank him one day for him letting her go. Their relationship was many things to Jay but one thing it was never was a game.

It was best that she moved on with her life as much as it pains him to face the reality of the situation. He didn't want it to be this way and he wished that wasn't but he doesn't see himself as someone who is good enough for her and won't bring her down. Maybe he put too much stock in what people say about him and his own previous actions to deduce from there that he is inferior. He knows there's more to her than meets the eye and that she could handle things but he doesn't trust himself as if he becomes another person when he's around her influence. He wants better for himself which to him is unrealistic. She'll likely go places for instance go on to Banting and he's lucky if he could even pass the high school equivalency.

Jay went to the school before the last bell rang, he saw Sean and Emma walking together to his car down the hall he hid behind the corridor not wanting them to see him. Fortunately for him he was unseen. He felt so wrong being in the halls but he had to take the test only then will he know his fate. Daphne faked a smile and acknowledged him as the students left and some of the night school students walked past him to take their test. "Jayson Hogart, how was your summer?"

He wordlessly shrugged before finally muttering, "Fine."

They both walked into the classroom and she told him and the rest of the room, "Take a seat."

As the other kids chattered Jay had one MO which was to pass this test. With Emma's study help and his own studying he knew he had one shot and he can't blow this. This determines the track he'll be on the rest of his life and while he could take it again he really wanted to have his first A+ average or whatever to make it so he passed the exam.

She passed everyone a pencil and a scantron as well as the book. She had her own copy as she sat on the desk with her legs crossed in a long khaki colored skirt. "Rules are as follows: no copying each other's answers, I will read the sample questions and choices aloud..."

He felt out of place being in this building until he looked around but strangely he recognized some of these people being somewhat delinquents he'd see them around detentions or at parties. She went on for a few minutes and he hoped that the room would quiet down so he could concentrate. The first sample question of the test was easy peasy but after he had 60 minutes on his own to answer the rest. "Pencils up, best of luck mark your answers if you finish early turn in your test on my desk," she sat down at the back of the desk with her back to the blackboard, "and sit quietly until everyone is finished. You have sixty seconds, and go."

The room was quiet as he heard only scribbles. Daphne watched everyone take the test as she did some paperwork herself. She was quiet and awaiting the first tests to be completed. Jay was quickly realizing he was over-prepared for the test and the answers came to him in seconds and he was the first person to finish the scantron. He went over the answers quickly to make sure none were missed and all were answered before going on to the essay portion. The question was about who made the most difference in your life and he decided to write about Emma. He talked about how she believed in him, how it started out as a mindless thing birthed from loneliness, boredom, and lust and how he grew fonder and fonder until he fell in love with her. How it was him who fell first and she followed and how he managed to fuck it up. He talked about her step-father's threat, he talked about Sean and he simply changed the names and locations for confidentiality. He talked about the person he became and who he'll never come back to in terms of who he was. He talked about how it made him feel when he let the one person he had loved the most in the entire planet go and how it makes him feel cold and alone and the only comfort he knows is that she'll eventually be fine without him even if it hurts. He might've said too much, he may not have said enough but he felt all of it. He almost couldn't contain the tears that were forming. He quietly sniffled as she tried to conceal those feelings from the people in the room. Finally, he decided he was done. He stood up from the desk and turned in his test and walked out. He saw Emma emerge from another classroom from the poster behind her he saw she was coming from the student council. She was supposed to go to the lunchroom and grab the snacks for the meeting but she was frozen when she saw him.

"Jay what are you doing here?"

"The equivalency test was today."

"Oh," she was silent for a beat as she closed her posture and looked down, she looked up at him and asked shyly, "how do you think you did?"

He shrugged his shoulders and told her, "I think I actually did okay."

"Good."

"Yeah," he offered her a sympathetic smirk.

They wanted to say so much to each other but then they just went their separate ways, him walking out the front doors and her walking to the caf to retrieve the food.

They had gone from sharing the most intimate details about one another to barely being able to utter any words. He couldn't lie, it hurt. She felt the tears coming on and she threw herself in the girls' washroom in a stall and cried. When she got it out of her system she washed her face in the sink and looked in the mirror, she said to herself, "Why cry? You don't matter to him."

She bit her tongue not wanting to sound like a crazy person and go back to being hysterical, "Emma stop, you need to be strong."

Finally she grabbed a paper towel and covered her face with it to wipe away the waterworks. She took a deep breath leaning against the sink and softly hit her head against the hanging mirror, "I shouldn't miss him, why does it hurt this much?"

Finally she heard a flush from the bathroom and a girl emerged, it was Amy Peter's Hoffman. She finally smirked, "Hi Emma, something on your mind?"

"It's nothing."

"Ya sure? Honestly, it didn't look like a nothing, ,"She pulled out a cigarette and lit it and sat on the countertop beside the sink. She pulled out another and offered her one, "Any takers?"

She hesitated for a moment before relenting, "Sure."

She knew it was wrong to do this at school of all places but she took it from Amy and lit the cigarette anyway. "Just blow out the window so we don't get busted. I sorta missed the late bus. What brings you here?"

Emma didn't say anything and went to the window on the other side and blew the smoke and ashed exhaling a cloud, she finally spoke, "Student council."

"I should've known. So I couldn't help but overhear, something wrong?"

"Like I said it's nothing,"

"I know I'm not Manny Santos but I see you around town, at ravine parties. It's not really a secret you know you and Hogart have been seen there. I have eyes. Haven't seen you around at these parties and we barely spoke but I see you, something happened between you and Hogart?"

Emma acknowledged, "What do you think? I bet you're happy?"

"It doesn't matter to me but it definitely seems like something is wrong to me. Lemme guess he cut you loose, sweetie?" Amy pressed as Emma shyly nodded her head inhaling.

"I don't know why or how I thought it'd be different."

"It never is what it's cracked up to be. If it was, everyone would be fighting for love everyday."

"Have you ever heard the stupid cliche saying, if you love someone you let 'em go and if they come back you know it's real?"

"No, but he's not going to be back. I may be stupid but I'm not naive."

"What do you say we hang out just us girls?" Emma exhaled and made a face finishing up her cigarette running it under cool water, "C'mon blow off your meeting we can drink at my place and blow off steam."

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"You seem like you need a friend and someone who understands what you're going through."

A soft smile played on Emma's lips, "Well I could really use a drink as well as an excuse to get out of student council."

"I've got just the thing to heal you."

The girls emerged from the girls washroom Amy put Emma on her bike pegs as they raced there. They stopped at Novak's convenience store and got themselves two pints of Ben and Jerry's and some snacks before going to the trailer park. Emma hadn't been there before, to be fair she wasn't friendly with Amy or Alex who were at one time best friends.

They walked into Amy's trailer and didn't see that anyone was home. Amy put the ice cream in the freezer and then she raided the liquor cabinet and grabbed some miscellaneous alcohol and the sodas from the shopping bag and made them two nice and somewhat strong cocktails, "Here you are, hope you like them strong!"

Emma took a sip Amy's drink tasted almost exactly like Hawaiian Punch, "That was amazing. What's in this?"

"Wouldn't you like to know!"

Amy grabbed yearbooks and they went through them, "It's kind of nice hanging with a girl. So what do you think of this guy over here? Maybe I can set you two up?"

She'd seen him around parties, with Emma's luck the guy would find her too easy knowing she's been hooked up with Jay. He's also a friend of Jay's. Emma didn't say anything kind of perturbed that Amy was so quick to make a matchmaking situation. She made a face, "How about this one? Best case scenario he's a senior maybe if you two hit it off you'll go to prom? He's a musician, he's cute. What's not to like?"

Hesitant, Emma sighed, "I don't know if I'm ready to meet someone new."

"Oh Emma, the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else, or over you know, because sometimes guys like a girl on top!"

Emma's eyes widened, "How would you know that?"

"So you two totally banged?"

"No."

"Greenpeace, it's written all over your I won't play matchmaker but can we at least talk about it?"

"I had a better idea actually."

"Do tell."

"I'm taking Sean to the ravine party on Friday maybe then I don't know."

"That'll make Jay super jealous and it's absolutely genius. He'll regret cutting you for sure."

"See you underestimated me."

"Now that I see the hand you're packing I see that you're good all on your own, Nelson. I just hope you know what you're doing. What if Sean figure's out you're using him?"

"Who says I'm using him? Sean's my friend and besides he knows how I feel it's not like he's still in love with me. We're just friends."

"Alright, even better. Well, then this party Friday night is shaping up to be a fun one!"

"I aced the test and then I saw her," Jay went to The Dot to talk to Spinner post-test. Spinner was preoccupied but he was listening as he was making a drink for an order.

"What she say to you?" Spinner asked looking up from the task.

"Nothing really, it was weird." Jay sighed, "I just wish things were different. She asked how I did on the test and um she said well."

"Well at least she's happy for you, right? You gotta think of the big picture or the silver lining."

"Big picture is she hates me," Jay sat on the stool in front of Spinner, "You know you're so much better at talking to girls than I am. It's like you understand them better."

"I have a lot of friends that happen to be girls but you just got to think positively. Isn't that why you let her go if I remember correctly because you think she deserves better than dating you?"

"I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I used to be so good at schmoozing a girl outta her panties and now look at me? I'm broken up over her. I can't even fathom how weird it sounds, especially her of all people."

"You don't choose who to love, my man. I guess that means she's the special one. Maybe you need to fight this, you know woo her because you absolutely want this girl back."

"I hate that I let Archie Simpson get to me."

"What?"

"He had told me something I knew and he sorta had a hand in helping this happen."

Just then, Sean walked into The Dot. He saw Jay and was about to turn around and leave when Jay called out, "Sean, don't go."

"Fine," he grumbled and advanced toward them, Sean reluctantly took the stool next to Jay and Spinner went to give the order to the customer and then there were three.

"Hey, can we talk?" Sean asked Spinner, "I need your advice."

"If you have eyes you can see I'm a little busy but what the heck, I'll try."

Sean was quiet at first and sighed, "Chop chop loverboy I don't have all day."

Sean finally asked and Jay's eyes narrowed as he looked at him, he may as well not even be there at that moment, "How do you just become you know just friends with someone?"

Spinner chuckled, "What do you mean? You either want to be friends or nothing at all."

"Ugh I don't know kind of like well take you for example - you and Paige used to date and then after you guys became friends."

"Oh a girl, I think I know where this is headed." Spinner added, "I'll tell you it wasn't exactly simple. It's hard to just shut the feelings off. It helps if you meet someone new."

"Like Darcy?"

"Nah I was over the relationship when I met Darc." Spinner grimaced, "I'm talking about Manny but over the summer thanks to my pal Jay you realize there's plenty of fish in the sea. Right?"

Jay finally decided to mark that he's here too and that he had things to say, "I guess what he's trying to say is that you don't forget, but you do eventually move on like a scar" Jay told Sean with a small grimace as he continued uninterrupted, "shutting off the feelings is impossible and you're still going to struggle every day when you think about her smile, eyes, the way she smells -"

"I get it." Sean quickly realized they were both lamenting on the same girl and he shut Jay up. Jay took out his flask and started drinking and sort of tuned Sean out at first but then what he was saying truly piqued his interest. "I just wish it were that simple, you know? I keep getting reminded being around her sometimes or in the same vicinity." Jay had to admit it stung that she was spending time with Sean after their split up, "We don't have to be talking. We could just be in the car driving to school or walking in the halls but my mind keeps thinking of when we were together and happy when we used to be in love. I gotta realize she's not that person anymore and she keeps reminding me but it hasn't completely sunk in that it's a hopeless thing. I just don't want to make her uncomfortable, you know? I want things to be okay."

"Nothing will ever be just okay, take it from someone who knows. It's called growing up or growing apart. Just tell yourself it's hopeless." Jay muttered drinking from his flask covertly he added sarcastically, "maybe eventually you'll believe it. Sure it hurts but it's better than feeling too much at least that's what I tell myself. I've convinced myself and eventually, she'll see it too. That's it's hopeless and then and only then you two can become the best of friends."

"Right." Sean furrowed his brow trying to make sense of what Jay was saying that there was more to the break up than what Emma says they're to be, seeing Jay all down in the dumps isn't what he expected to see. In fact, the way Emma sees it - their entire foundation she believes is based upon an elaborate lie. She gives Jay too much credit, "I'm always too hard on myself, maybe I just gotta believe and be optimistic."

"Optimisms for pussies."

"Yeah, maybe you're right but don't let it get to your head," Sean muttered before adding, "but what is there to do? In the meantime, I need to forget or I'll drive myself insane of the could've should've and would've."

Spinner had enough hearing about them moping about over a girl, "Stop beating yourself up. At least you didn't get your best friend shot."

"Let's not get into that." Jay muttered, "I say we party."

"Get drunk?" Sean raised an eyebrow at the suggestion.

"Yes and maybe toke a bit. That doesn't sound like a bad idea, more like a great idea." Spinner told them, "After work, we'll all meet up and go out somewhere. We're going to find Sean a new girl, Jay can get drunk and um maybe meet someone too and I can get drunk too and man, I need a drink. I'm parched."

Sean questioned, "How are we going to get in?'

Jay smirked and told Sean, "Did you forget my cousin is a bouncer at this one place. We got it covered"

Jay offered Spinner his flask and he politely pushed it back, "I'm still on the clock so the drinks will have to wait. Put that away."

Silence fell on the three guys, "I don't know, but Jay I think I owe you an apology for being kind of a jerk to you."

Jay was surprised to hear that and he turned to Sean, "Thanks."

"Do you think we can be friends again? It's stupid to not be friends over a girl."

"We'll see." Jay told him, patting him on the back after hiding his flask advancing his hand forward, "shake on it?"

Sean shook his hand.

Back at Amy's, Emma and Amy were talking more. Emma still didn't completely trust Amy, how could she? She hardly knew her but always heard shitty things about her and Amy loved to gossip about others so why to trust someone who's such a blabbermouth. Nine times out of ten they end up gossiping to someone else about you, "So what was your first impression of me?"

The two girls were pretty tipsy, Emma was on her second drink, "I thought you were kind of a bitch no offense. You also like to gossip and start trouble. Let's just say I didn't think the best of you."

"Oh my god everyone says that," She laughed, "Can you please pretty please say bitch again?"

Emma asked, "Bitch?"

"I can't believe Emma Nelson just said bitch in my house. I can't believe you're in my house right now," She giggled as she took swigs from her bottle, "I thought you were a fucking prude but we know that's not true. I mean I didn't forget about the bracelets."

"Not my finest moment."

"Anyway, forget him. He doesn't know what he's missing."

"What do you mean?"

"Has anyone told you if you let your hair down a bit you're actually really pretty?"

Emma wasn't sure how to take that so she simply asked, "Seriously?"

"Can I do your hair and makeup? I'm studying cosmetology on the side. I need to get out of this trailer park."

"I just don't understand why you're being nice to me?"

"Emma, have you ever been ostracized for doing something stupid or had a reputation of being less than? I have."

"I've done a lot of stupid things. It doesn't make you less than."

"Thanks, Emma, I mean that." She started brushing Emma's long hair, "This is nice, I simply don't have many friends, especially girl-friends. Everyone either thinks I'm a slut or talks about me behind my back that I'm a slut. I've heard everything from I've given guys head in the bathroom for money to I fuck inmates on the regular. It's insane the shit you read in the bathroom stalls, it gives them rat magazines and the shit they blast Britney and Lindsay for a run for their money. The guys wanna fuck me and the girls don't wanna be friends because they know I fucked over my best friend over a guy. It was just weird and different because he sort of made me believe that I was the only one he was fooling around with." Amy tearfully admitted, "no one considered me their number one you know? What am I saying?" Amy started wiping her eyes quickly. "I just nothing is ever real, but I do know I'm gullible but you're not. You're different. I think he really did love you. I know you think it was a game sweetheart, but it was real."

Amy put her brush down and secured Emma's hair with a cute dainty clip that resembled a butterfly, "I thought it was. I don't know what to think."

"He looks at you like he used to look at Lexxi, listen to me." She turned her chair to face her face, "he didn't wanna just get with you, you were different. I was a game, I was a pawn and I lost my best friend because of it. It wasn't like that with you."

"Maybe at first?"

"Never was a game, I watched people since people don't really talk to me. It makes it easy. I would say it was all in the way he talked to you. I don't know what you said or what he said but just observing it was all real. Sure it might've been a hook up at first but not a game. I saw you guys at parties, you know I was drinking but I observed the way you'd talk. The way his eyes lit up. The way you'd fight for it to be what it wasn't and the desire to make it more on both sides no matter how hard you fought it. The way you'd dismiss him yet reel him and rile him up. Everyone including me got you all wrong but he got you and you got him hooked. How the fuck did you even manage to tame him? He's a mess and it's because of you."

"What do you mean?" Emma narrowed her eyes.

"You need to talk to him. You know I'm right."

"What can I say to him?"

"Anything." Emma looked downward and Amy lifted her chin and applied some foundation and then some blush, "Chin up I know you want to talk to him. I know you miss him."

Emma grabbed and sipped her drink through the straw when she was done, "I do."

And then she turned the chair for Emma to face the mirror, "I look incredible!"

"What do you say we take this party on the road? I know some places that could give us fake ID's?"

"Sounds tempting but I should probably go -"

"Nonsense. It'd be a fun night out. You need it, look at you!"

Emma giggled, "Plus they can't see me drunk."

"Exactly my point!"

Amy and Emma dressed in revealing black dresses standing in line at the club with their brand spanking new looks and fake IDs. "I'm nervous."

"Don't be Emma, we're gonna get in and you look great. Repeat after me my name is Delores Mitchell."

"Delores Mitchell."

"When is your birthday?"

"September 21st, 1984"

"And what's my name, Delores?"

"Hannah Holland" Finally Amy and Emma reached the line.

"You look familiar? Born in '84. Did you graduate Degrassi in '02?"

Amy nervously quipped, "Mhm both of us, we're sisters, Go Panthers!"

Entertained and charmed, the bouncer lifted the red partition velvet ropes, "C'mon in ladies."

Emma never expected in a million years she'd be out drinking with Amy Peters Hoffman or that they'd be in a club. A bartender walked by with shots on a serving plate walked by, Emma thought they were free so she took two. The woman didn't notice they took them fast and tossed the cups in a nearby trash can. The music was loud as they went to the bar and scoped out the place for someone to buy them both drinks.

"Don't look now but Jay has entered the building."

Even though she was told not to look, she rarely does what she's told to do. That's when Emma turned her head around and saw Jay.

He saw her too. He walked up to her when he saw she was with Amy of all people over the music he asked, "What are you doing here?"

Emma stood up and downed her shot, "I could ask you the same thing."

"Can we talk?" Jay asked her, "I mean if you don't that's fine, I need a cigarette anyway. I'll let you bum one if you want."

"Okay." She answered. She looked at Amy and Amy motioned her to go with him and then they walked to the outdoor patio.

Their ears were ringing from the sound as they finally got the fresh air they needed and the quiet they sought. She sat down on the patio chair, "I'm not sure how to say this but I'm not even going to ask about the Amy factor?"

Emma didn't say anything at first as he continued avoiding eye contact as he lit two cigarettes and gave her one. It was a little cold. The autumn breeze caught them and he struggled to light it again but finally, he was successful. Emma was cold but she didn't want to draw attention to the fact. He tried to act "So anyway how are you?"

"I'm fine. That's all you wanted to ask?"

"Are you cold? Do you need my jacket or-?"

"No," Emma was slightly amused. She inhaled and a few moments later exhaled holding the cigarette between her fingers, she got pretty serious, recovering from the laughter as the tension lingered, "I just need to know something and I want to hear it from you."

"Shoot." He leaned against the brick wall behind him feeling the bass of the music on his back.

"Was it a game?"

"What a game?"

"Me, what we were. Like did you want me to fall for you I mean it makes perfect sense to me how it could've been and then pull the rug when the jig was up?"

He narrowed his eyes, "You think I'm capable of something like that?"

"Because if it were real, why would you want to fight or let go of something like that?"

"Because it was real, and I got scared because for the first time I knew what I did really mattered to you and to me. If I were to fuck up I'd rather it be intentional and not a mistake and I hope you don't think you made a mistake or did anything wrong it was my fault it's on me."

"It's not you, it's me?" She asked with contempt, "What a cop-out cliche? Why though?"

"I'm not good for you."

"Can I be the judge? And so what if you're not it doesn't mean that we can't be happy. I made you happy right?"

"Of course you did and you are right and all of what you say and think is valid but I don't know. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Archie said - "

"Archie?"

"Oh my god." Emma sunk back into an Adirondack chair and gasped with her hand over her mouth, she ashed her cigarette in a nearby ashtray perched on a small table, "He said something and he lied to my face about it."

"He only said the truth, Emma. He said the truth he might've lied about what he said I can guarantee that but not about what was said."

He could see her fuming as she put the cigarette to her lips to drag again, he could hear her breathing harder in anger finally she exhaled and said, "It's not true. Whatever he said he just doesn't know you that I know."

"It was absolutely true. I did a lot of shit a lot of things I'm not proud of."

"If you don't want to hurt me why did you do it? I saw none of this coming."

Jay told her softly yet meaningfully, "As I told you, or maybe haven't told you and I mean this from the bottom of my fucked up heart I'm so sorry if I caused you harm."

"What the fuck did he say?"

"It doesn't matter. It's best you don't know."

"I did for you!"

"Bullshit!," She murmured in disgust, throwing her cigarette in the ashtray and standing back up. He jumped not expecting her to jump up that way. He saw the hurt and anger in her eyes. "You didn't do it for me because if you did you wouldn't hide the truth from me."

"You wanted to believe I was a good guy, like Sean or like I don't know the other guys that aren't me. I can't lie, I liked it. I liked that you thought I was better but I'd only hurt you and this is living proof."

"I don't care, this isn't what I want."

"I don't want it either," he softly told her, he put his hand on hers and held it, "you keep fighting this and it makes it even harder to do it."

Emma looked him in the eye with much exhaustion and anguish as she faced him, "Then whatever you do don't. Don't end things. Listen to yourself your real intuition fuck what Snake said, you either want this or you don't you either want to let me go or you don't. If it hurts to let go, would it hurt less to hold on?"

He paused for a moment, "I don't want to prolong it, keep things going only to disappoint you in the end. You don't know how much you mean to me and maybe it's for the best you don't."

He dug in his pocket and slipped the bracelet, "I meant it, want you to have this. I know it'd be safe with you. Where it goes you go, and where you go so do I. I know you'll meet someone who's not fucked up or who knows? Maybe you'll just forget about me even if it spends eternity in a jewelry box. I want you to take this. Pawn it I don't care, but if you love me the way you think you do I hope you don't."

"It's the last piece of your mother."

"Mom used to say if you love someone or something - set 'em free if they come back it's meant to be. I like to think she had a point there."

"I really don't know what to say."

"Then we say goodbye?" Jay questioned looking her way.

"Why do you do this? Why do you say these things?"

"You know I'm just trying to do the right thing."

She was angered, "You don't know what the right thing is, Jay. You're such an asshole. I hate you!"

"I know that's not true and you know, perhaps you are right, but I don't know I'm trying here. I can't give you what you want."

"Well earlier you said I don't know how much you mean to me, how much do I mean to you?"

"Why are you asking me that now?"

"It's hard to put into words I just know I'd do anything to change this situation."

"Fine. I won't beg, that's beneath me. It just, you know, sounds like a buncha bull," Emma pulled him into a hug and cried quietly to him. She was too tired to fight anymore. It was like boxing a brick wall completely futile. She raised her voice ever so slightly crying, "Why can't you just say I don't know anything like cliched because I feel like you're only trying to make me feel better."

He didn't say anything at first, he fought back his watering eyes and sniffed back, closing his eyes as he pulled her even closer and wrapped his arms completely around her. With his one hand on her back, he caressed as she laid in his chest, "It's not bull."

She took a breath upward and told him quietly, "I don't hate you but I wish I did and I honestly don't know but guess this is goodbye." She paused sniffling, "I just wish things were different, I love you and I know I will never really forget you." They lingered in the hug for a bit of time outside the nightclub fighting back tears between the few of them observing the time at the moment. Too soon though she pulled away and just dashed away and didn't look backward running off in Amy's high heels.

Jay caught himself collapsing downward the brick wall feeling the bass on his back once again and held his head in his hands.

"Hey what happened?"

Sean ran over from where he was inside and he had only caught the tail end of Emma running. He was tempted to go after her but instead, he felt more compelled to go to Jay who was torn up against the wall still, "How much did you hear?"

"Enough." Sean put his hands in his pockets.

Jay glared up at Sean, "I'm fucked up."

"Literally or intoxicated?"

"Literally."

"I know." Sean told him as he knelt down and sat beside him. "Spinner went home. He had an early shift and he wanted me to let you know."

"Noted."

"You didn't want to let her go, then why did you?"

"Sean, I envy you."

"Why the fuck would you want my life? I'd give anything for -"

"You don't get it, people accept you. People like you. You might not always do right or wrong but people are always wanting you to succeed even Emma believes in you as she believed in me. I just - I know I was hard on her. I just don't deserve her."

Sean furrowed his brow, "Okay this is a hunch but correct me if I'm wrong but you are growing up and maturing and I'm glad and maybe you do deserve to love and be loved. I was wrong about you and her. I was being selfish. I was hurt but it's not like I had anything else to compare those feelings to. I just thought well, I don't know that I should be the one for her but I've got a lot of work to do on myself and all but you see she doesn't care and that's what makes a difference. She cares about me, but she's put me in a box on the back burner, in that forever a friend - first love category. She doesn't think we have the makings to make it together and you know what? For the first time, I see why what you guys have is what I wanted to have with her I mean not exactly but you get the idea. On the same wavelength, a little tumultuous but ultimately real. Why would you want to give all that away? I mean I love Mr. Simpson like a father but he doesn't know you and I'm not surprised he thinks he's got it all figured out because he knows about your expulsion. Think about it, but if she loves you - you're good enough for her, and not even just enough you're perfect because you're meant for her."

"What can I do? I think that was it. I blew it, I fucking blew it. I wish you could've given me this pep talk hours ago!"

"It's never too late."

"Well do you have a plan?"

"I'm way ahead of you, bud. I have the ultimate plan."

Emma joined Amy back at the bar as she was drinking her last drink, "How'd it go?"

"Let's just leave."

"That bad huh?"

"I don't know why I keep fighting it but it's over. Let's go before I make bad choices." Amy looked at the check and widened her eyes.

"What?"

"We have one more bad choice to make. On your mark?" Emma and Amy ran out of the bar and raced to her car. No one chased them out fortunately or the bartender hadn't noticed yet which was lucky for them. She was about to make the turn to Emma's street when they were t-boned by a car and the windows shattered, airbags deployed and they hit a curb by a small set of shrubs. Emma's head whipped forward and quickly back as blood sprouted but she was unconscious. Amy wasn't but she knew better than to leave the scene. She went into Emma's purse and called it in.

"What's your emergency?" the voice questioned.

"Uh oh my god I don't know how," she bit her lip nervously, her voice panicked, "We had an accident and my friend is unconscious."

"Someone is on the way to help you."