Can't Fight This Feeling
Seth squared his shoulders. He shouldn't be nervous. He'd done nothing wrong. He cleared his throat. Well, not much. Jessica hadn't done anything wrong, either. They'd had words, that's all. He cleared his throat. More than words, he knew. It was the most serious argument they'd had since they began…what? Seeing each other? He grunted. Dating? Bah. It was more than that, and they both knew it.
He'd been in love with Jessica for ages. He'd done everything in his power not to fall in love with her, but he'd've had more success persuading the sun to rise in the west. He was helpless against her.
Oh, he'd admired her for much longer than he cared to admit. She was an attractive woman, beautiful, even. Vibrant. Definitely sexy. There was something about her. There always had been.
He'd moved back to Cabot Cove after the Juniper Lake fiasco. Still deep in grief, he'd grasped at any fresh opportunity that could rescue him from the mess he'd made of his life in Portland. He'd very nearly sunk himself, which meant sinking Margie, and he could never allow that to happen. But Juniper Lake had been the final nail in the coffin of his belief in his good judgement. He knew he needed to get home, to live a quiet life, and to work through his grief while helping others.
He'd first spotted Jessica cycling through town one brilliant autumn day. He remembered her bright hair, catching the light of the sun, her slim figure pedaling gracefully. She was even wearing a skirt! He shook his head at the memory. Those legs…He still felt guilty, entertaining those kinds of thoughts of Frank Fletcher's wife. It had broken his heart anew, seeing her struggle through her grief. Theirs had been a loving marriage, he could see that.
As a sort of unspoken favor to Frank, he looked in on Jessica from time to time. Never with any regularity, and never in a way that might make her suspect she was being managed. She was an independent soul, and while that aggravated him at times, it was also one of the things that drew him to her. Never satisfied, he muttered under his breath.
Standing in front of her back door was a fool's errand. Any longer and that nosy parker Evelyn, who had the perfect view of Jessica's side yard, would start yoo-hooing and inviting herself over for a cup of tea. He shuddered. No, he needed to talk to Jessica alone. He put his hand to the knob and turned it slowly, easing it open so he could avoid that pesky squeak.
As soon as he poked his head in, he heard music. If you could call it that. It was one of those modern songs, he could tell that. It had that artificial sound he deplored. He could feel his face settling into a grimace and quickly relaxed those frown muscles. No sense adding fuel to the fire. He tiptoed in. "Jessica?"
He eased the door closed and moved further into the kitchen. He didn't want to startle her, so he gently pushed the swinging doors open. He crept through the dining room towards the living room, and there she was, her back to him, shoulders shaking. His heart ached for her. He took a few steps closer, and then she began to sing.
I can't fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show
I tell myself that I can't hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
'Cause I feel so secure when we're together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear
And even as I wander
I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might
He felt tears pricking his own eyes, and he put a soft hand on her shoulder. "Jess?"
She jumped and whirled around. "Seth?"
He nodded, dumbly. Her dear, tear-stained face. He'd been such an ass. "Jessica," he said hoarsely.
She looked at him, at his dear, tear-stained face. She'd been such a fool. Such a stubborn fool. "Oh, Seth."
They collapsed into each other's arms, and once again Jessica marveled at how well they fit together. She'd been fighting so hard, fighting to retain her hard-won independence, fighting her own feelings. She laughed. Jill would be impressed.
"What's so funny, Jess?"
She pulled back. "What?"
Seth smiled, loosened his hold on her, and pointed to the portable radio or cassette player or whatever the young folks called it.
She laughed again and drew out of his arms so she could stop the music. "Boom box."
"What?"
"Boom box. It's what the kids call it. At least what my niece calls it."
"Which one?"
Jessica laughed again. "Jill."
Seth grunted. He had a soft spot for Jill. That girl had gumption. Just like her aunt. "I see." He jerked his chin towards the player. "What was that song?"
"It's something Jill played over and over when she stayed here last. Nearly drove me up the wall, but…" She trailed off.
"But?" Seth prompted.
"But lately the words are all I can think of."
"I could make out some of your singing."
"Could you?"
"Ayuh. You have a lovely singing voice, Jess. I'd love to hear more of it. If you care to," he added hastily.
Jessica sighed. "Seth, let's sit."
He followed her to the sofa and sat heavily next to her. He was beginning to be afraid, then she reached for his hand.
"Seth, I've been afraid."
"Afraid?" he boomed. "Of what?" She gave him a look, and he had the good grace to look sheepish. He squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry, Jess. Please, go on."
She smiled and squeezed back. "Seth, I'm 58 years old." He looked at her expectantly. "I've lived with my parents, with roommates, and with my husband for most of my life." She took a deep breath. "Don't misunderstand me. I think you and I both would give all we had if it would bring Frank and Ruth back."
"Ayuh."
She smiled. "But after that first, terrible year, I began to…I began to live again. I wrote that book, little dreaming of what was to come. And I faced it." She looked at him sharply. "It was hard."
"I don't doubt it, Jess."
"It was hard," she repeated. "And I began to grow into JB Fletcher, into that character. She is me, and yet not me." She threw Seth a grateful nod as she read the understanding in his face. "I…I used JB and Frank, to a certain extent, to keep myself…safe. Does that make sense?"
"It does, woman," he said quietly. It would kill him to go back to friendship alone. It would kill him, and what else could he do? He couldn't live without her, not now.
"There are aspects of this new life that I like, very much. And our friendship. I couldn't do without your friendship, Seth." His heart sank. "I can't do without you, Seth, and that scares me," she said quietly.
My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I've been running 'round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that I'm followin' you, girl
'Cause you take me to the places
That alone I'd never find
And even as I wander
I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might
And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fightin' for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever
'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fightin' for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore
Seth's heart began to lift as he followed along with the words. Could she be saying what he thought she was? He wanted her, desperately. He wanted her in whatever way she was willing.
Her voice trailed off, and she turned to face him, her luminous eyes bright with unshed tears. "Seth?"
"I love you, Jessica Fletcher. I love you, and I want to be in your life in whatever way you'll have me. As friends, lovers, or both." He took her hands in his and frowned. Her hands were like ice, and he began to rub some warmth back in them.
"Seth?"
"Ayuh?"
"I love you, and I want you." A few tears slipped from her eyes, and Seth took one of his hands to brush the tears from her cheek. He shivered. "What, my darling?"
"It's just a foolish fancy."
Jessica turned her cheek into his palm. "You're thinking of the ICU," she murmured. "That was a terrible day, and I regret the time I've wasted since." She turned to face him. "I think we've wasted enough time, Seth."
Seth drew back. "What do you mean?"
"I mean what I said. We've wasted enough time. What do you want? Do you want to be married? Do you want to go upstairs? Do you want to be together, always? I want what you want, Seth."
There were few times in his life where Seth could recall being speechless, but he was well and truly overcome.
"Seth?"
He nodded, slowly, then touched his lips to hers gently. "I love you, Jessica. I want what you want. I want to be married. I want to go upstairs. I want never to be separated from you."
Jessica stood abruptly. "That's settled, then." She put a hand out to him. "Let's go upstairs."
Seth's eyebrows disappeared into his hairline. "Are you sure, Jess?"
"When have you ever known me to be unsure?" Seth laughed, and Jessica began to laugh with him. "I'm sure now, my darling. We don't have to make love, if you'd rather not. Tomorrow, we can set about getting a marriage license so we can be married as soon as we like."
Seth grasped her hand and lifted it to his mouth. "Jessica, you've made me the happiest man alive." He kissed her hand again. "If it's all the same to you, I'd rather wait to make love until we're husband and wife."
She nodded and stroked his cheek. "Will you stay the night?" she asked tenderly.
He leaned in close, putting his lips to her ear. "I'm afraid I won't be able to discipline myself, Jessica."
She shivered. "I understand," she said quietly, then she met his eyes. "Just so you know, you're the only man I…what I mean to say is-"
Seth pressed a quick kiss to her lips. "I understand, Jessica, and you don't know how I wish I could say the same." He pulled back and squeezed her shoulders. "You mean more to me than…I want this to be special. When we make love, I want it to be as husband and wife." He paused and squeezed her shoulders again. "You will marry me?"
She laughed at the sudden shift. "I will, my darling. I will."
Seth kissed her with all the love and passion he'd been keeping such a tight lid on. "I love you," he murmured as he kissed her lips, her neck, the shell of her ear. "I love you."
"I love you, Seth. I love you, and I want to marry you."
He hugged her to him. "Then I'll see to it that we can marry at the earliest possible date." He drew back. "Unless you want a church wedding?"
Jessica shook her head and winked. "Just something quick and legal, my dear."
Seth guffawed. "If I don't leave now, woman…"
"I might not let you leave."
He goosed her, then took her hand in his. "See you in the morning?"
"Ayuh."
Seth laughed. "I'll never get the better of you woman, and I couldn't be happier." He kissed her, hard, squeezed her hand, and was out the door before she could reply. No matter. They would have the rest of their lives. She locked the door behind him, then went to check the back door. She smiled, knowing that he worried over her. He loved her, and now she could finally admit it. She loved him.
A/N: It's been a minute, and I can't guarantee I'm back, but we've all been in the capable hands of KarlieQ and LauraWritesFiction. Happy reading!
Song credit: Songwriters: Kevin Patrick Cronin
Can't Fight This Feeling lyrics © Concord Music Publishing LLC