Sirius was at a loss. He'd always had the right words to help Remus before, but this time he couldn't think of a single thing to say. The sight of his boyfriend sitting hunched on the floor, hugging his legs and hiding his face in his knees, tore at his heart and his arms itched to hold him, but Remus wouldn't let him get close and he didn't know how else to help.

'What can I do?' he asked, hoping Remus would be able to tell him what he needed so Sirius could do it and make everything better. Seeing him in so much pain was unbearable.

Remus didn't respond.

'Moons?' James said, stepping forward. 'Tell us what you need.'

'Leave,' Remus said. 'Just leave. I want to be alone.'

'I don't think that's a good idea,' Sirius said.

'I don't really fucking care what you think is a good idea,' Remus said, his voice rising again. 'I'm not going back to the fucking dorm with you so you can all fucking stare at me, wondering how long it'll be until I fucking bite you, too.'

Sirius and James exchanged a glance with raised eyebrows. That was a lot of swearing for Remus.

'We're not wondering that,' Sirius said. 'We're just worried about you.'

'You shouldn't be. I'm not worth it. You should all just stay away from me. You'd be safer.'

James scoffed. 'Who wants to be safe?'

Sirius shot him a look that clearly said "shut the fuck up," before turning his attention back to Remus. 'You're not going to hurt us, and I don't know how you can say we're safer without you. How many times have you stopped us doing something really fucking stupid?'

But Remus didn't laugh. He didn't respond at all.

'Please come back to the dorm with us,' Sirius said. 'We'll leave you alone if that's what you want but—'

'Fine!' Remus snapped. 'Fine. If that's what it will take to get some bloody peace.'

Sirius slipped out to let Madam Pomfrey know they were leaving while Remus gathered his things and James changed out of Remus' clothes and into some of his own that were stashed in Remus' bag, and then they left through the new secret passage. The journey to Gryffindor Tower was made in silence, and thankfully Peter had succeeded in his mission and the girls were absent from the common room when they reached it, so they didn't need to make excuses for Remus' bad mood.

When they arrived in the dorm, Remus went straight to his bed and drew the curtains, leaving Sirius and James with no choice but to leave him alone as they'd promised.

'I should probably go find Evans,' James said. 'She'll be expecting me to want to talk to her about last night.'

'Yeah, go,' Sirius replied. 'I'll stay with Remus.'

An annoyed sound came from Remus' bed, but Sirius ignored it, picking up his journal with the intention of writing to sort out his thoughts. But he didn't get very far.

'Why are you still here?' Remus' voice came from behind his drawn curtains, emotionless and weary.

'Where else would I be?'

Remus just huffed in response before returning to his previous silence, and Sirius turned away, making himself comfortable before opening his journal.

Well, everything went to shit last night. Some things happened that I'm not going to describe in case this falls into enemy hands (yes, Reggie, that includes you), but Remus is really upset about it and I don't know what to do. He's gone really quiet and won't speak to any of us except to say horrible things about himself. I know he's mad at me because I lied, but what was I supposed to do? Tell him that the thing he was most afraid of happening had happened? I couldn't do it. Nothing in this world could have made me tell him that when he didn't have to know. I still don't know how he found out. Everyone who knew agreed not to tell him.

This isn't the first time he's done this. It's what he does when he's upset. He runs away and hides. But this is the worst time he's done it because I don't know how to fix this. It's nothing like the other times. We can't make the risk go away with a well-chosen gift, or ease the pain with a heartfelt apology. I don't even know if he's going to let me help because he's so angry with me for lying to him, and I can't even say I'm sorry because I'm not. I'm sorry he found out, but I'm not sorry I lied, and if I could make sure he never found out, I'd do it again. Does that make me a terrible person?

I think maybe it does. And even that doesn't make me regret it.

I only want to make sure he doesn't suffer any more than he has to. How can that make me a terrible person?

It doesn't matter. I need to focus on Remus. I think I'm going to leave him to think everything through for a while, and then try to talk to him tonight. In the past, he's always been calmer once he's had time to think. But I shouldn't leave it too long or he'll start hating himself. He does that. I don't know why. There's not a single thing about him that's worthy of hate. I wish he could see what I see.

Sirius sighed, glancing at Remus' curtains as he closed his journal. An oppressive silence hung over his bed, not a single sound escaping through the thick curtains. If he was crying, he was doing so with a remarkable level of control. He'd cried the night after Sirius had shouted at him in Transfiguration. It had been obvious that he was trying to stay quiet, but he'd failed miserably. So Sirius didn't think he was crying. Was that good or bad?

He probably should be crying, shouldn't he? Sirius would be crying if he thought he was responsible for turning someone into a werewolf. Maybe he shouldn't wait for him to think about it after all. Not if he was just going to sit there bottling everything up.

Sirius chewed his lip as he tried to decide what to do. If he tried to talk to him, he might get angry again, but even that would be better than not feeling anything at all. Maybe screaming at someone about it was exactly what he needed. Swinging his legs off the bed, Sirius stood up and tiptoed over to Remus' bed. There wasn't really much point in tiptoeing—if Remus was paying attention, he would know Sirius was up and moving towards him regardless of how quiet he tried to be—but he did it, anyway.

Holding his breath, he moved the edge of the curtain enough to make a tiny gap he could peek through. Remus was sitting up in the middle of the mattress with his legs crossed and his eyes closed, looking relaxed and at ease. He was meditating. That was good. It would help him sort through his thoughts and feelings.

Exhaling in relief, Sirius let go of the curtain and returned to his own bed, grabbing some parchment on the way. He'd seen Moony for the first time the night before and his fingers were itching to draw him. The wolf was beautiful.

Forty-five minutes later, he'd gone through several sheets of parchment trying, and repeatedly failing, to accurately capture the beauty of the moonlight reflecting off of the wolf's grey fur, the overwhelming aura of power and vulnerability he projected, and the range of emotions that had flickered through his eyes; desire, recognition, affection, fear, and regret. Sirius was nothing short of frustrated when there was a knock on the door, and he let out an irritated sigh as he got up to answer it. It was a prefect, and Sirius had to search his brain for a long moment before a name came to him.'

'Toby. Hello. What can I do for you?'

'Professor McGonagall asked me to fetch you and your friends, Potter, Lupin, and Pettigrew. You're to report to her office as soon as possible.'

'Will do,' Sirius replied, giving him a salute. 'I'll tell the others. You don't need to keep looking for them.'

Toby looked relieved by the offer, relaxing his shoulders. 'Thanks.'

After closing the door, Sirius grabbed his notebook, turning to the page for him, James, and Peter.

Time to go get told off by Minnie. See you there?

As he was writing the message, Remus emerged from his bed without a word and went into the bathroom, returning a minute later, having washed his face. It had left damp hairs clinging to his forehead, and he looked fucking adorable. Fighting the urge to pull him into his arms, Sirius stayed where he was, waiting by the door.

'You okay?'

'No,' Remus answered shortly, walking over to him. 'But I'll play my part at the meeting. Are we going?'

Sirius nodded and pulled the door open so they could leave. On the way there, he received replies from both James and Peter.

Evans and I are on our way.

I'll be there in five.

Sirius and Remus must have had further to travel than James, Lily, and Peter because the three of them were already there when they arrived, and Professor McGonagall invited them to take seats before closing the door with a flick of her wand.

'I am very disappointed in all of you,' she began, gazing at them sternly over the top of her glasses. 'I realise that you all suffered a traumatic experience last night to varying degrees, but had you followed the rules, you would not have been there in the first place. I cannot begin to fathom what possessed the five of you to leave school grounds without permission in the middle of the night. So which of you would like to explain first?'

'I don't mind?' James said, raising his hand a little and looking at Sirius, Peter, and Remus to see if they were happy for him to speak for them. They all gave him the nod, and he continued. 'We were stocking up our butterbeer supply. We like to have some available for celebrations, you know? And it's Easter soon. We plan on winning the egg hunt so we wanted to make sure we could celebrate properly. And you can't buy it by Owl order.'

'May I suggest, Mister Potter, that you ask your parents to send it to you rather than putting yourself and your friends in danger by sneaking out of school?'

James nodded. 'In our defence, we weren't planning on leaving the pub's cellar, so we didn't think there was any danger. But you make a good point.'

'And that is why we give children rules, Mister Potter.'

'Yes, Ma'am.'

Professor McGonagall turned to Sirius. 'I understand you and Mister Lupin were not still in the pub when everything happened?'

'No,' Sirius said. 'We'd left to take a walk around the village.'

'For what purpose?'

Sirius felt his face warm. 'Um, to have some time alone together?'

Professor McGonagall's eyebrows rose the tiniest amount, but she quickly schooled her expression. 'Perhaps a walk around the lake next time?'

'Yes Ma'am,' Sirius said while Remus merely nodded.

'And you Miss Evans? I believe your excursion was separate from theirs?'

'Yeah, um, I was having trouble sleeping and thought a walk would help. I wasn't really thinking about where I was going, I just ended up in the secret passage.'

'So what you're saying is, you've taken so many illegal trips into Hogsmeade, that taking that passage was automatic for you?'

'No!' Lily said. 'That's not what I meant at all. I've only been down it once before when we found it, to see where it went. I just wasn't paying attention when I took that route.'

'I see.' It was amusing watching Professor McGonagall deciding how to respond to what everyone in the room knew was a blatant lie. 'You are aware that leaving the common room after curfew is against the rules?'

'Yes, Ma'am.'

'I think a week of after-school detentions during the first week of term will help you all remember the rules. Had you not all been involved in a traumatic event last night, it would be more, but I hope what you've already endured will be enough of a deterrent against future excursions. Miss Evans, Professor Dumbledore would like to have a word with you when you leave here, regarding what you heard last night. Please, report to his office.'

'I will. Thank you.'

'I'll send you the details of your detentions on the first day of term. Dismissed.'

There was the sound of chairs scraping against stone as they all stood and filed from the room, no one speaking until they were safely in the corridor with the door closed behind them.

'Is Professor Dumbledore going to be angry?' Lily asked. 'He looks kind of scary.'

James chuckled. 'No, he leaves the discipline to the House Heads. He's pretty cool, actually.'

'Spoken to him a lot, have you?' Lily asked.

'No,' James lied. 'Just last night in the Hospital Wing. He wanted to know what I heard, but I couldn't really tell him much.'

'I don't know how much help I can be, either. I wasn't there for that long before you arrived.'

That would have been a good opportunity for her to mention the werewolf if she was intending on telling them about it, but she hadn't. It was a good sign, but it didn't mean she hadn't told the other girls who she would definitely trust more than them. Sirius desperately wanted to know if she had told anyone, or was planning to, but he couldn't think of a way to find out.

But he would have to leave that to James, anyway. Remus needed him right then, even if he wouldn't admit it.

'Um, hi,' Lily said, stopping in front of the stone gargoyle that guarded the headmaster's office. 'The headmaster asked to see me?'

'Your name?' the statue said in a slow, grating voice.

'Lily Evans. What's yours?'

'I will see if the headmaster will see you,' the gargoyle said, ignoring her question. After a long silence, he slid to the side, revealing a spiral staircase. 'You may proceed.'

'Thank you.' Lily stepped onto the first step, and the staircase moved beneath her, winding slowly upwards.

'Khigumex,' the statue said.

'Pardon?'

'My name. It's Khigumex.'

The staircase had moved her behind the central pillar, and she could no longer see the statue, but she called back down. 'It was nice to meet you, Khigumex.'

Dumbledore was smiling at her when she entered the office at the top of the staircase, and she smiled back as she crossed the room, taking a seat in front of his desk.

'Thank you for coming, Miss Evans. I have two things I wish to discuss with you today. First, the werewolf.'

She nodded. 'I won't tell anyone.'

'That's appreciated, thank you. But I have more to say about the matter. The student in question is fully aware that you have been attempting to find out their identity, so I know you were in the village last night for that reason, as does Professor McGonagall. It was necessary to pretend otherwise to prevent the other students involved from learning about the werewolf. I need you to stop, Miss Evans.

'I understand that you want to discover who our mysterious Marauders are, and I believe you when you say you won't tell anyone. However, your efforts to work it out are drawing attention to things we'd all prefer remained unnoticed. Do you understand?'

She nodded. 'Yes, sir. I'll stop.'

'Thank you. Now on to the second topic. I'd like to know exactly what you saw and heard last night while you were camping outside the Shrieking Shack.'

'Well, I don't know how much help I can be,' she told him. 'I didn't hear anything before they started trying to blow the door down. I think I might have fallen asleep, but the bangs woke me up. There were five, I think, one after the other. I stood up and looked around the corner of the house to see what was happening. I knew I was right about it being where the werewolf went to transform, and I was worried it was kids or something.'

'You said, "before they started trying to blow the door down." There was more than one?'

'Yeah, six of them,' Lily said. 'They were talking about how to get through the door, saying it must be protecting something important if it was so powerfully enchanted. One of them said he was hoping to be put in charge of punishing the little girls. I didn't know what he meant until another one mentioned a passage into the school and then I understood what he was talking about. I guess I took a step back in shock? I caught my foot on something and fell over. They heard me and one of them took me down to the village.'

'You didn't hear the incantations they were using?'

Lily shook her head. 'No. I'm sorry.'

'It's not overly important. What about after they took you to the village?'

'Lord Voldemort wanted to know of any secret passages into the school. I think Madam Rosmerta told him there was one inside the Shrieking Shack, but I don't think she knew there was a werewolf in there. When they found me outside, they took that as proof she'd been telling the truth and Voldemort ordered them to keep trying. After a while, there was a scream, and Voldemort sent someone to see what was happening. When he found out Rosmerta had lied, he told someone, a woman, to make her talk. The spell she used was something like crooshie?'

'Crucio,' Dumbledore said sadly. 'The Cruciatus Curse. It's a spell only used for torture, and is banned by the Ministry for obvious reasons.'

'Yeah, it looked like it hurt a lot. She couldn't scream, though. It was horrible. Then Potter came out of the pub.' And he'd been acting scared, but he'd already snapped his chain in half by then. He must have. Which meant he'd already had a plan when he came outside. 'But I think he might have been listening before he came out. He might have heard Lord Voldemort talking about the werewolf.'

Dumbledore smiled. 'I have already spoken with Mister Potter, and he's been sworn to secrecy much like yourself.'

'Good.' That meant there was someone she could talk to about it. 'Do you know why Voldemort wanted to get into the school? And why did he look so different to his photos?'

'I believe something happened at his speech yesterday that resulted in his true appearance being revealed to the public. As you saw, he has suffered a great deal of disfigurement of the type only caused by the practising of the darkest and most revolting of magics. This revelation affected his reputation to the point he no longer had any chance of winning the election. I think he believed taking control of the country's children would be a viable Plan B for the gaining of power.'

Lily shuddered. 'Thank God he didn't make it inside.'

'Indeed, though, had he done so, he would not have found it an easy castle to take control of. Hogwarts is quite loyal to her inhabitants.'

'Do you think he'll try again, sir?'

'Not any time soon, no. Though, perhaps trips into Hogsmeade should be kept to the day, for the time being, hm?'

'Yes, sir,' Lily answered, keeping the confusion out of her voice. Why wasn't he telling her not to go at all? She wasn't allowed to.

Professor Dumbledore smiled. 'Thank you for answering my questions, Miss Evans. I won't keep you from your well-earned holiday any longer. You may go.'

Potter had been right. Dumbledore wasn't so bad at all. 'Thanks, Khigumex,' she said cheerfully as the gargoyle let her back out, and she started down the corridor towards Gryffindor Tower.

'How did it go?' Potter asked, stepping out of an alcove right in front of her and making her jump out of her skin with an unattractive shriek.

'Oh my God! You scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?' she said, slapping him on the arm.

Potter laughed. 'I was waiting for you.'

'Well, next time, wait for me where I can see you.'

'Where's the fun in that?'

She rolled her eyes at him. 'If I didn't already want to talk to you, I'd tell you to bugger off.'

'You want to talk to me?' Potter asked, ignoring the rest of her sentence completely, which was just typical of him, really. 'What about?'

She glanced around. The hallway couldn't be described as busy by any stretch of the imagination, but there were a few people around. 'Not here. Can we go somewhere more private?'

'There's a passage not too far from here?' Potter said. 'How private are we talking exactly?'

'Somewhere we'll be guaranteed not to be overheard,' she said. 'By anyone, including your friends.'

'Alright,' Potter said, with a jerk of his head. 'This way.'

He led her to a blank stretch of wall in an empty corridor and began feeling along the wall. 'It should be just around… here!' he finished after a pause, wrapping his fist around thin air and giving it a tug. As he did so, a rectangular opening appeared in the wall in the shape of a doorway.

'This is where the Marauders held the Christmas party,' Lily said, stepping through.

Potter nodded. 'Yeah, I took note of where the door was and came back to look for it. Took me a while. But we won't be overheard here.'

'Unless the Marauders are here.'

Inclining his head in acquiescence, Potter chuckled. 'True, but that's unlikely, isn't it? The next game is the Flying Contest. I don't see why they'd need this place for that.' He pulled open the first door they came to, glanced inside, and then looked back over his shoulder. 'Dormitory. This okay? We can go find a classroom if you'd rather?'

Lily smiled. He was quite sweet, really, when you gave him a chance. 'It's fine. Just don't get any ideas.'

'Wouldn't dream of it,' he said, and Lily found she actually believed him.

She followed him into the room, sitting on the bed opposite the one he chose and crossing her legs. Potter gazed at her, patiently waiting for her to speak, and she decided to get straight to the point.

'Dumbledore said he'd spoken to you about not telling anyone about… what was in the Shrieking Shack last night,' she said, deciding not to be too specific, just in case she'd misunderstood and he didn't already know.

Potter's expression went from cheerful to shrewd in the time it took her to blink, and he tilted his head a little to one side. 'He did, yes.'

'You know what it was?'

'Yes. Do you?'

'Yes.'

They looked at each other, neither of them willing to be the one to actually say the word first until Lily huffed out a laugh.

'This is ridiculous. It was a werewolf, yes?'

James nodded, still careful and considered. 'Yeah. What do you think about that?'

'What do you think?' Lily asked, wondering if he was going to be an ass about it.

'Well, Dumbledore said it… I mean, they are a student, so,' he shrugged. 'None of my business, is it? They're not dangerous unless it's a full moon. So just stay away from the Shack on those nights, I guess.'

'Don't you want to know who it is, though?'

'What for?'

It was Lily's turn to shrug. 'Might be cool to have a werewolf friend.'

Potter raised his eyebrows. 'Cool, how? They're just regular people most of the time. That's what Hawthorne said.'

'Oh, so you do listen in class, then?'

Potter laughed. 'Sometimes. Hawthorne's lessons were interesting.'

'Yeah. They were.' Lily chewed her lip for a minute and then made a decision. 'Listen, what if I told you I knew for a fact that the werewolf is a Marauder?'

Potter sat forward, looking interested. 'Really? How do you know?'

'I can't tell you that, but I know.'

'Okay. So you want to find out who the werewolf is so you can find out who the other Marauder is?'

'Or other Marauders,' she said. 'There could be more than two.'

'But why do you want to know so much?'

Lily grinned. 'Because I've got a bet going with one of them that I can work it out. They call themselves Sunshine.'

Potter laughed. 'That's such a stupid name.'

'Shut up. It's pretty,' Lily said, laughing too. 'So, will you help me?'

Potter shrugged. 'Sure, why not? Beats doing my homework.'

'Excellent,' Lily said. 'I think this calls for a celebration. Is there anything to drink around here?'

'There might be something left in one of the rooms upstairs. Do you want to look?'

'Yeah, let's go.' Lily climbed off the bed and followed Potter up two flights of stairs and into something that looked exactly like one of the little muggle flats her best friend in primary school had lived in. 'Wow. What is this place?'

Potter was looking through some kitchen cupboards, and he didn't turn around when he answered. 'It's the old squib wing. Parents used to send their kids here if they didn't have any magic, so they could learn to live like muggles.'

'Interesting,' Lily said, wandering into one of the bedrooms and trying the lamp next to the bed. It didn't work.

'Horrible too. They came here when they were eleven and never went home again. Aha, look what I found… Evans? Where'd you go?'

Lily giggled and walked back out of the bedroom. 'What did you find?'

'I think it's lemonade,' Potter said, holding up a bottle with a dirty, torn label.

Lily wrinkled her nose. 'There's no way that'll still be good to drink. Let's go to the kitchen instead.' She headed towards the door, stepping through it before calling back over her shoulder. 'And if we're going to be working together, you should probably call me Lily.'

Closing his eyes, Remus took a deep breath and clamped his lips together tighter, trying to keep the rage from bursting out of him. He'd never let the monster out of its cage in front of his friends and he couldn't start now, not after Sirius had seen its physical form with his own eyes. They couldn't know that it lived within him all the time, not just when the moon was full. But it was getting harder and harder to control it.

After the meeting with Professor McGonagall, Remus had returned to the privacy of his bed, with Sirius following him as far as the dorm room but refraining from climbing onto the bed beside him. He'd started out much like he'd been before the meeting, leaving Remus alone and making as little noise as possible. But as the afternoon wore on, his impatience began to show in heavy sighs and increased fidgeting.

'You don't have to be here,' Remus finally snapped after another bout of rustling, followed by a pointed exhale. 'I didn't ask you to be here. I don't even want you here.'

'What?' Sirius' voice was confused. As if he didn't know exactly what he'd been doing.

Remus rolled his eyes. 'All the sighing and fidgeting. If you don't want to be here, feel free to leave.'

There was a moment of silence followed by heavy footsteps and then his curtains were ripped open and Sirius was standing there looking annoyed. 'If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be here. I'd rather be there,' he said, pointing to the space next to Remus, 'but you won't let me. That's why I'm sighing and fidgeting, alright? Because I want to hold you and I have to keep fighting myself to stay put, not because I want to leave.'

Why though? Remus wanted to scream, but he didn't. He pressed his lips together and looked away from Sirius' face.

'Say it,' Sirius said. 'Whatever it is, say it.'

'No.'

'Why?'

'Because if I start, I'm afraid I won't stop, okay? Just…. Just leave me alone.' Remus rolled onto his side, showing Sirius his back.

Sirius didn't respond for a beat. Then, 'No. You're coming with me.'

'I'm not going anywhere.'

'You can either follow me, or I can call Peony, and ask her to apparate you there. Either way, you're going.'

Remus rolled back over and looked at him, but there was no hint of a smile in his eyes. It wasn't meant as a joke. He fully intended to carry out the threat if Remus didn't comply. 'Fine,' he snapped, climbing to his feet.

'Excellent choice. Follow me.'

Sirius led him through the common room, waving to Dorcas and Marlene as they passed, and down to the fourth floor.

'I don't want to go to the library right now, Sirius,' Remus said as he turned off the Grand Staircase.

'We're not going to the library. We're going to the cave.'

'Why?'

'So you can let go of whatever it is you're keeping such a tight control of right now.'

'And what if I don't want to let go of it?' Remus asked through gritted teeth as they came to a stop in front of the giant mirror.

'Tough,' Sirius said, making the mirror fog over so he could write the password across it. Silver.

'You can't make me.'

'Oh, I can and I will,' Sirius said, moving behind him. 'Are you going to walk in? Or do I have to push you?' He held up his hands and demonstrated shoving him through the opening.

Remus growled and walked into the passage. 'I hate you.'

'No, you don't.' Sirius stepped in behind him and the opening sealed over with one-way glass. 'After you.'

With a glare at Sirius, Remus started walking down the passage. 'I don't want to do this.'

'I know.'

'Then why are you making me?' he snapped.

'Keep it for the cave, Moonbeam. We'll be there soon enough.'

'Fuck you. And don't call me that.' Clenching his hands into fists, Remus growled deep in his throat. He couldn't let Sirius provoke him into losing control of the beast inside him, so he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. 'I'm sorry.'

Sirius rolled his eyes, turning around to walk backwards in front of him. 'What for? I'm being an ass. You have every right to tell me to fuck off.'

Remus clenched his fists tighter, feeling his nails digging into his palms. 'If you want me to wait until we get to the cave to punch you in the face, maybe you should stop talking.'

Sirius chuckled. 'Merlin, you're cute when you're pissed off.'

Realising physical violence wasn't much of a threat coming from him, Remus drew his wand, pointing it at Sirius. 'Seriously, shut up before I make you.'

Sirius nodded once, spinning back around so he was facing the right direction again and fell back into step beside him. 'Yep. Shutting up.'

Slipping his wand back into its holster, Remus concentrated on his breathing, trying to calm himself down, but it was no use. He was so fucking angry. At Sirius for lying; at James, Peter, McGonagall, and Pomfrey for not telling him; at the wolf for biting the man in the first place; at the man for breaking the door down; but most of all, he was angry at himself. But he didn't want to say any of that.

What would Sirius do if he just turned around and ran back up the passage, through the mirror, and took refuge in the library? Who was he trying to kid? Sirius wouldn't let him escape that easily. There was only one thing he could do. He would go through with whatever Sirius had planned, and hope he could keep the beast contained until it was over.

The silence stretched between them as they walked, oppressive in its heaviness, but Remus felt no urge whatsoever to break it. There was no reason to speak ever again, really. Who wanted to talk to someone capable of what he'd done? No one. Sirius was still there, but not because he still wanted to be around Remus. He just wasn't able to admit it to himself yet, but soon he'd be avoiding Remus too. Like James and Peter were. It was for the best.

'So,' Sirius said, breaking into his thoughts as they stepped into the cave together. 'What's on your mind?'

Remus avoided looking at him, staring around the cave instead. The tent was still there, looking just as it had at the end of last year after they'd spent weeks there, Sirius helping Remus learn to touch again while Peter and James worked on finishing the Spectral Essence. Not a thing had changed with the murals Sirius had painted, either, and multiple James and Peters waved at him as he scanned the walls while the various versions of Sirius all blew him a kiss.

'I don't want to be here. I don't know what you're hoping to achieve by dragging me here. And I would like to go back to the dorm now.'

'Tough. Getting you to talk about what you're feeling. And no,' Sirius replied. 'What are you feeling?'

'I'm okay.'

'No, you're not. You couldn't possibly be okay after last night. You did the one thing you've always dreaded. You b—.'

'—Don't,' Remus said, interrupting him before he could say it out loud. It was stupid. He'd already said it out loud himself several times, but hearing it in Sirius' voice would make it more real somehow. 'Please, don't say it.'

Sirius raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. 'You're not okay, Remus.'

'Fine. I'm not okay. What do you want me to say?'

'The truth.'

'No.'

Sirius' cocky stance dropped in an instant and he took a step closer. 'Remus, please. Talk to me.'

'Why?' Remus asked, pushing the beast down as far as he could and feeling something else rise to fill the hole it left, something much colder but just as empty. 'Why do you care so much?'

Sirius stared at him. 'How can you ask me that?'

'Because I don't understand why you're acting like nothing's changed when it has. Because I'm not the same person I was yesterday, and you're acting like I am. Because you're behaving as though you still like me when there's no possible way that can be true.' Remus couldn't bear to keep looking at him, so he moved deeper inside the cave, leaving Sirius to follow if he wished.

'Why can't it be true?' Sirius asked, doing exactly that. 'You think I just ditch the people I care about when things get hard?'

'When things get hard?' Remus spat. 'Is that what you call it when your friend becomes a murderer?'

'Boyfriend,'Sirius corrected quietly. 'And you didn't kill him. But I know that's not the point. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. But I'm not going anywhere. You can talk to me.'

'I'm so fucking angry with you,' Remus said.

'I know.'

'You lied to me. You said you never would, but you did.'

'Yes.'

'You're not apologising.'

'No. I'm not sorry.'

Remus turned and stared at him. 'You're not sorry?'

'No. I'm not. Because if there was any chance I could stop you from having to feel what you're feeling now, of course, I was going to take it. Minnie took him to the hospital and wiped his memory and the memories of all the other attackers. There was absolutely no need for you to know Moony had… hurt someone.'

'But I deserve this,' Remus said, his voice rising despite his efforts to stay calm. 'I took everything from him. I deserve to suffer for that.'

'No, you don't. It wasn't your fault!'

Remus growled again, taking two steps closer to Sirius and shouting, 'You have no fucking idea what you're talking about, so shut the fuck up!'

'If I could do it all over again, I'd still lie to you,' Sirius replied calmly after not even flinching when Remus screamed in his face. 'But this time I'd make sure you didn't find out because it wasn't your fault, and you shouldn't have to feel guilty about it.'

Remus roared, leaping at Sirius and shoving him. 'Shut up, shut up, shut up!'

Sirius stumbled back, but stayed on his feet and shook his head. 'No. Why don't you explain it to me? Why do you think you deserve to suffer when you did everything right?'

'Because I infected him!' Remus shouted. 'His life will never be the same again, and it's my fault!'

'No, it's not!' Sirius yelled back. 'You locked yourself away in a place you had every reason to believe was completely secure. He shouldn't have been there. But if you don't want to blame him, then what about Dumbledore? He was responsible for keeping Moony contained.'

'Don't try to put this on Dumbledore,' Remus growled. 'He's done everything he could to help me.'

'Well, he didn't do enough. That man shouldn't have been able to get through that door.'

'I shouldn't have bitten him!'

'You didn't bite him, Moony bit him. And Moony's an animal,' Sirius said. Then he threw his hands in the air. 'No, he's not even that. Moony's a virus. A fucking gorgeous virus, but still a virus. His entire purpose is to spread. The fact that he was able to fight his instincts enough to not hurt me is a fucking miracle. Merlin, the fact that he even wanted to fight his instincts is a fucking miracle. There was no way he was going to do it for a stranger. That's why you lock yourself up.'

Remus stared at him. 'You need to stop making excuses for me, Sirius. Stop finding reasons why it's still okay to be my friend. I know you have trouble admitting to mistakes, but you need to admit to yourself that being my friend was a mistake. Before it's too late.'

'Oh, for fuck's sake. Will you stop with the self-hatred for five fucking minutes? You're not a monster. The fact that you feel this guilty about something that wasn't even your fault fucking proves it. So, no, I didn't make a mistake two years ago when I decided you were worth my time. In fact, I'm pretty certain it was the best decision I ever made.'

'Don't you see? You said it yourself. It's a miracle you didn't get hurt, and that's exactly why you need to stay away from me. Next time you might not be so lucky.'

'There won't be a next time,' Sirius said. 'Dumbledore's adding extra security, and we're learning how to turn into animals. It's my life, Remus. If I think you're worth the risk, you don't get to decide that for me.'

'What about the risk to me?' Remus asked. 'Your family isn't likely to just let it go if I kill you.'

'You're not going to kill me, Remus. Moony's already proven he'll run away rather than harm me, so unless we're locked in a room together when you transform, I'm not in any danger. And since we know when you're going to transform, that's extremely unlikely.'

Remus shook his head in disbelief. 'You're really not afraid of me, are you?'

Sirius' face softened. 'No, I'm not. Is that what this is about? You thought I'd be scared of you now?'

'James and Peter are.'

Sirius frowned. 'No, they're not. James is doing damage control with Lily to make sure your identity isn't discovered, and Peter's just giving you space because we knew you'd be upset.'

'Are you sure?'

'Absolutely.' Sirius took another step closer. 'Can I give you a hug? Please?'

'No,' Remus said quickly, stepping back. 'I can't. I'm sorry. I just… I can't.'

'It's okay.' Sirius held up his hands. 'I can wait.'

How long for, though? Remus wrapped his arms around his stomach and hugged himself. 'What if I can't ever again?'

Sirius smiled. 'If I have to wait forever, then I'll wait forever, but I don't think that's going to happen. You're going to get through this.'

Remus didn't see how that was possible. How could he ever stop feeling guilty for sentencing someone to a lifetime of periodic torture? And enjoying doing it? That was the worst part by far, the pleasure that ran through him every time he remembered sinking his teeth into the man's arm. But he couldn't tell Sirius about that.

'I hope you're right,' he said instead. 'Can we go back to the dorm now? This place is bloody freezing.'

'Yeah,' Sirius said. 'Honestly, I thought there was going to be more destruction involved. You're a really calm, angry person. You didn't even blow up the tent.'

'I attacked you,' Remus said. 'How can you can call me calm?'

Sirius laughed. 'Barely. You didn't even manage to knock me off my feet. I was expecting a duel at the very least. Kind of disappointed, actually.'

Pushing the beast's rage down again, Remus painted an expression of mild confusion on his face and attempted a joke. 'You're really fucking weird sometimes.'