Wednesday, 18th April 1973
'Hey, where have you two been?' James asked the moment Remus stepped through the dormitory door with Sirius.
Looking him over made Remus' stomach sink. He was vibrating with excitement, and clearly had some news he was dying to share, though he was doing his best to conceal that fact. The last thing Remus felt like doing was pretending to be happy and excited about whatever it was.
'Nowhere exciting,' Sirius told him. 'What's got you all…' He flapped his hands to indicate James' general person, '… energetic?'
Fighting back a grin, James looked at Remus. 'You feeling any better?'
'A bit,' Remus said, rolling his eyes. 'Just tell us what it is already.'
James grinned. 'Okay, you're not going to believe this. You know I went to wait for Lily to talk to Dumbledore? Well, when Lily left, she asked me to go somewhere private with her to talk, about the werewolf, obviously. Anyway, I tried to get her to stop looking into it, but Lily wasn't having any of it, so I said I'd help her. Which means I can feed Lily false clues and stuff.'
'Why do you keep saying her name like that?' Sirius asked, then his eyes widened and James was grinning and nodding as Sirius said, 'Wait! Did she tell you to call her Lily?'
'Yes!' James practically shouted. 'She said, "If we're going to be working together, you should probably call me Lily." And I almost died right there on the spot. It was all I could do not to start jumping up and down.'
'You jumped up and down, didn't you?' Sirius asked with a raised eyebrow.
James held up his hand with the thumb and forefinger half an inch apart. 'Just a little bit, when she couldn't see me.'
'That's great, James. Really. I'm thrilled for you,' Remus said, heading for his bed. 'What about Sunshine?'
'What about it?'
'What are you going to do about it?'
James shrugged. 'Don't know. Too happy to think about it right now.'
Eyeing him as he made himself comfortable, Remus contemplated saying something, but he didn't have the energy to argue with James right then. It could wait.
Sirius pulled James into a hug, causing a tendril of jealousy to wrap itself around Remus' heart, which he immediately berated himself for. It was his own fault Sirius wasn't cuddled up to him right then, and he had no reason to be jealous of him showing affection to someone else. Especially James, for fuck's sake.
'Congratulations, mate. She'll be your girlfriend before you know it.'
'Do you think?'
'Definitely.'
If Remus wasn't so exhausted, he'd say something. Maybe suggest James come clean now before he took it past the point of no return. But he couldn't muster the energy to even form his thoughts into sentences, never mind get his mouth to emit the words. Instead, he let his eyes drift closed and listened to James and Sirius discussing ways to throw Lily off the scent. It was weird how neither of them seemed able to see further ahead than the next day. Did they really think they could keep it from her forever? And what did they think she was going to do when she found out? Laugh? That seemed unlikely to Remus, but what did he know? He was a murderous monster.
The almost imperceptible squeak of the door handle drew Remus' attention back to the door as it was pushed open, and Peter walked in. His eyes went to Remus first, full of worry until they alighted on him, but when he saw the bed curtains were pulled back, they crinkled at the corners as a smile spread across his face.
'Hey. You feeling better?'
Why did everyone keep asking that? All concerned like he'd been ill or injured rather than riddled with deserved guilt for ruining someone's life. 'Yeah,' he said, pulling one side of his mouth into a smile and shrugging the matching shoulder. 'Getting there.'
Peter nodded. 'Anything you need, just ask, yeah?'
'I will,' Remus said, with no intention of doing so. 'Thanks.'
Peter offered him another smile and then turned to James. 'Lily just turned up all excited and dragged Mary off to "talk". Any idea what that's about?'
James grinned. 'Really? How excited was she, exactly?'
'Red cheeks, smiling like crazy, talking ten times faster than usual.'
Still grinning, James stretched out his arms to either side, spun around until his back was to his bed and fell backwards, bouncing once as he landed. 'It's finally happening.'
Peter tilted his head to one side, staring at James for a moment before turning to Sirius with a questioning expression.
'Lily asked him to help her figure out who Sunshine and the werewolf are. James agreed, and she told him to call her Lily,' Sirius explained.
'Ah,' Peter said. 'That explains it. Try not to die of happiness before you get to kiss her, mate.'
'No promises,' James said, pressing a hand to his chest. 'Feels like my heart might explode.'
'That's called too many cups of tea,' Sirius said, chuckling.
James stuck his tongue out at him before jumping back to his feet. 'Haven't had any since breakfast, actually, but I'm bursting with energy. Fancy going for a fly before dinner?'
Sirius looked over at Remus with a question in his eyes. It was clear that he wouldn't go if Remus said he wanted him to stay, and gods, did Remus want him to stay, but he couldn't be selfish.
'Go,' he said, forcing a smile onto his face. 'Pete's here. I'll be fine.'
'You sure?'
Remus nodded. 'You can't be with me all the time.' It was true, however much Remus wished otherwise. 'Just don't fall off.'
'I won't,' Sirius said, before blowing him a kiss and grabbing his broom to follow James out of the window.
'So,' Peter said, coming to sit on the edge of Remus' bed once they were alone. 'How are you really?'
'I told you, I'm alright.' Remus shrugged. 'Getting there. You know?'
Peter nodded. 'Oh yeah. I know. That's why I know you're lying when you say you're alright.'
'Really. Sirius talked to me. I'm dealing with it.'
'Is it still at the sickening, breathless stage? Or has it already become a deep pit of emptiness in your stomach?'
'What?'
'The guilt? Eventually, it'll just turn into gut-wrenching nausea whenever you think about it, but I can't imagine you've got to that point yet.'
Remus stared at him, frowning. 'What do you know about it?'
Peter sighed, looking down at his hands. 'You don't have to be a werewolf to become accidentally responsible for ruining someone's life, Remus.'
Realising what he was talking about, Remus frowned. 'You didn't hurt your mum, though.'
Peter shrugged. 'Not directly, no. But it doesn't change the fact that if I'd flooed St. Mungo's instead of phoning for a muggle ambulance, she'd be fine now, not suffering pain every day of her life. And you didn't hurt anyone directly, either—'
'Please,' Remus said, interrupting. 'I've already had this lecture from Sirius, I—'
'What lecture?'
'It's not your fault. You have no reason to feel guilty. Blah, blah, blah.'
Peter shook his head. 'Not what I was going to say. I know nothing I tell you is going to make you feel differently about what happened. I just want you to know I understand what you're feeling, and I meant it when I said to ask if there's anything I can do to help.' He shrugged, giving Remus a small smile. 'That's all. I'll leave you alone now.'
'No. Wait,' Remus blurted as Peter started to stand, and he stopped, turning back to Remus.
'Yeah?'
'I…' Tears burned his eyes, and he tried to blink them away, but that only forced them out and onto his cheeks. 'How do I keep going? I don't know how to…' He trailed off, trying to sort his thoughts into words. 'I'm supposed to be dead. I bit someone. I'm supposed to be dead. I thought, if this ever happened, at least I wouldn't have to live with the guilt for long, but now…'
'Hey,' Peter said softly. 'Hey, it's okay. You're not alone. You have us, and we're going to help you. Everything's going to be okay.'
'How? How can it ever be okay?'
'Well,' Peter said, looking at his lap, 'in my experience, the guilt never goes away, you just,' he lifted his hands, turning them palm up, 'learn to live with it. But it's only been a few years for me, so maybe…'
Wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his jumper, Remus tried to smile. 'Yeah, maybe.'
'It might be easier for you, not having to see him. It's been easier for me since coming to Hogwarts. Sometimes I completely forget for a while.' He smiled sadly. 'It's nice, forgetting, even if it's just for a few hours.'
'How do you do it?'
Peter chewed his lip, thinking. 'I guess it's… pretending. Pretending to be okay so hard that you become actually okay for a while. It's easiest when we're doing something fun or difficult, like setting up the games, or the competition with the girls.'
Remus nodded. 'Makes sense. Occupy your mind so it can't think about what you did.'
'Exactly.'
'I don't think I deserve to forget, though.'
'You can't think about it like that,' Peter said, shaking his head. 'It's not about what you deserve, it's about what you need to be able to keep going. It's just a break.'
'But what right do I have to keep living after what I did?'
'I keep going for my mum,' Peter said. 'She needs me to. You have to find your reason.'
'No one needs me. I'm just a burden.'
'I don't think that's true. You're not a burden to me, but I don't think your reason can be another person, anyway. No one's relying on you the way my mum relies on me. I do have an idea, though, if you'd like to hear it?'
'What?'
'Making sure this doesn't happen to another werewolf ever again.'
'How?'
Peter shrugged. 'That's for you to figure out. Find a cure, or a way to control the wolf, or just create a safer way to transform. I don't know, but if you can, at least something good will have come out of all this.'
'No one's ever found a cure,' Remus said.
'I don't think anyone's ever tried as hard as you will. You're great at solving puzzles, so just think of it as a really difficult one.'
Sniffing and wiping his eyes again, Remus huffed a laugh. 'Gods, Bubbles, when did you go and get so smart?'
'I just know something about guilt,' Peter said with a soft laugh. 'So, you like my idea?'
'Yeah.' Remus nodded. Something had lifted, and it was ever so slightly easier to breathe when he thought about helping to make sure no other werewolves had to feel the guilt of harming someone. 'Yeah, it's a good reason.'
'Good,' Peter smiled. 'So step one is, get through the rest of the year and pass your exams.'
Remus nodded again. 'Right. Yeah. I can do that.' He reached out and took Peter's hand, ignoring the clawing in his chest at the contact, and squeezed it gently. 'Thanks, Bubbles.'
Peter's whole face lit up with the force of his smile. 'Any time, Moony.'
Sirius and James didn't stay out on their brooms for long. The weather was perfect for flying, overcast with a light breeze, and it was fun, but Sirius was keen to get back to Remus. He thought he'd made some progress in the cave, but he knew it was going to take more than one shouting match before Remus was really himself again. So, when they flew back in through the dorm window, he was surprised to find Remus and Peter sitting together on Remus' bed, chatting and working on something in a notebook. They weren't close enough to touch each other, but still, it was progress.
'Planning world domination?' Sirius asked, dropping his broom on the floor next to his bed and walking over.
Remus looked up at him, closing the notebook as he did so. 'Nothing so exciting. Did you have fun?'
So he didn't want Sirius to know what he was doing. That was fine. He could live with being left out if it was helping him, and he definitely seemed brighter. 'Yeah, it was good. You guys ready for dinner?'
'Definitely,' Peter said, climbing to his feet.
Remus nodded, slipping the notebook under his pillow before joining them at the door. With the competition over, the boys had resumed their usual seats at the far end of the Gryffindor table, and Sirius made sure to give Remus plenty of room when he sat down. But halfway through the meal, he felt Remus' leg press against his own under the table, and he glanced up, startled. Remus was completely still, his head bowed and his eyes closed as he took long, deep breaths. Sirius smiled and returned to his food—steak and potato pie with gravy. It seemed Remus had decided to redo the process from last year, and that was fine with him.
The pressure let up a few minutes later, and Sirius glanced at Remus again to make sure he was okay. He wasn't smiling, but his face was calm, even if his breathing was a little on the fast side. For the rest of the meal, Remus kept his distance, but the small amount of contact was enough to reassure Sirius that all was not lost and ignite an ember of hope in his heart.
That ember continued to smoulder over the next few days, gaining heat with every brush of Remus' hand against his, and every press of his leg under the table at mealtimes. The frequency of the brief touches increased as the days went on until the smouldering ember of hope burst into flame three days after the full moon when Remus asked if he could join Sirius on his bed. It was during the evening—they were still sleeping in the cold loneliness of their own beds at night—but it was a step in the right direction and he agreed eagerly, moving over on the mattress to give him space.
Laying down next to him with his head on the pillow, Remus reached out and trailed a single finger down Sirius' bare arm, sending a shiver down his spine, before pulling away again.
'I'm sorry it's taking so long.'
Sirius smiled at him, scooting down from his sitting position to lie facing him. 'Don't be silly, Moonbeam. It's been three days. You're doing great.'
'I don't remember it being this hard last time.'
Sirius couldn't deny he'd had the same thought, but that just meant he already had a theory as to why that was. 'Last time you were fuelled by righteous anger. That probably helped a lot more than you realised at the time. You wanted to show Lyall he hadn't broken you. This time you don't really have any motivation.'
'You're my motivation,' Remus whispered. 'I want to touch you again so much, but every time I try, I get so scared.'
'I know,' Sirius said. 'I hear you in my head. But it's okay. You'll get there.'
Remus flushed. 'You hear me?'
'Yeah, just something like "I can do it," and then you touch me and it stops.'
'Gods, I'm so pathetic,' Remus said, turning onto his back. 'Who gets that scared over touching someone? It's ridiculous.'
'You're being very mean to my favourite person right now, and I'd like you to stop. And also, you're being mean to me, because if you're pathetic, then I must be too since I got so scared during a storm that I managed to curse every door in the school with a bat-bogey hex. At least you're not flinging around accidental magic when you try to touch me like a toddler having a tantrum.'
Remus raised an eyebrow at him. 'Are you done?'
'That depends. Are you going to stop being mean to yourself?'
'Yes,' Remus said, but he rolled his eyes while he said it.
'Inside your head as well as out loud?' Sirius prodded.
Remus huffed but didn't answer.
'Moony?'
'Urgh, fine. I'll try, okay?'
'Good. Then I'm done.'
'You're very annoying.'
Sirius smiled. 'Yep.'
'It's not a good thing.'
Sirius opened his mouth to respond that it was in fact a good thing but was interrupted by Spectre swooping in through the open window, circling the room once before dropping a letter on James' lap and soaring back out again.
'What do the girls want now?' he asked instead.
James unrolled the scroll and read it aloud.
To our hopefully-energetic-and-nocturnal friends,
We have an extremely large quantity of chocolate eggs that need to be enchanted and hidden throughout the castle, and we were hoping you might know some people who are brave and reckless enough to help us carry out this task during the night while enemies roam the halls and danger lurks around every corner.
Your rather-daunted-by-the-amount-of-eggs friends.
P.S. Were you aware that the house-elves are crazy?
Sirius laughed at the PostScript. 'How many eggs do you think the house-elves gave them?'
'Enough for everyone to have several each, I'm sure,' James said, chuckling. 'They wouldn't have wanted anyone to be left out.'
'Are we going to help them?' Peter asked.
James shrugged. 'I don't mind helping.'
'Me neither,' Sirius agreed. 'We still have plenty of time to finish copying the animagus book.' They'd been taking it in turns to spend an hour a night in the library, copying what they needed, and they were about a quarter of the way through.
'Sounds like fun to me,' Peter said.
Remus shrugged. 'Sure, why not?'
To our daunted-but-capable friends,
We'd be happy to assist you in your task, and we have some tools that will help in the avoiding of roaming enemies and lurking danger. Where and when should we meet you?
Your helpful-and-excited friends.
P.S. Yes, we are well aware of the house-elves' insanity when it comes to gifting food.
They went to bed early, waking up at twelve forty-five to dress in dark clothes and meet the girls in the common room at one. The four girls were waiting for them when they arrived, dressed similarly to the boys and surrounded by six large baskets.
'Are those the eggs?' James asked, nodding at the baskets.
'Yeah,' Lily said. 'The elves shrank them. There's a couple hundred in each basket.'
Sirius whistled. 'This is going to take a while.'
'We have a spell to activate the magic the house-elves put on them. It'll animate them in some way, apparently,' Lily said, looking at him. 'So we only need to spread them out a bit and they'll do the rest. Let's get out of here and I'll show you how to cast it.'
They left the common room and made their way to a nearby secret passage that was wide enough to accommodate all of them so Lily could teach them the spell. It was a simple charm, and it didn't take them long to get the hang of it.
'You said you had something that could help us not get caught?' Lily asked once they were all sure they could cast the spell.
'Yeah, Remus made them,' James said, tugging the small pouch Remus had made for his birthday from his pocket and opening it. He reached in and pulled out his Snitch-O-Scope, which was glowing bright orange. 'He'll need to make some alterations so they don't detect you, though, like it's doing now.'
'I'll need something with your magical signatures,' Remus said. 'Anything you've cast magic on will do.'
'How much sneaking around after curfew do you lot do that you need a people detector?' Marlene asked, holding out a hand to Remus. 'I charmed my nails earlier. Will that be enough?'
'Yeah.' Remus tapped the nail of her index finger with his wand, muttering under his breath, and then tapped James' Snitch-O-Scope, before pulling his own from his pocket and casting the spell on that one, too. 'Where's yours?' he asked, looking at Sirius.
Sirius pulled it from his pocket and handed it to Remus. 'We do a fair amount of sneaking around,' he told Marlene. 'Probably not as much as you, though.'
'Could you make us some of these?' Mary asked.
Remus shrugged. 'Sure, it'll take me a few days, though. Who's next?'
Lily held out her hand, showing Remus her mustard yellow nails. 'I did mine a few hours ago, so you should get a nice clear sample.'
'That would be after you knew you were meeting us tonight?' Remus asked, before tapping her nail and muttering the incantation. Sirius chuckled.
'Yeah, not long after we got your reply, actually.'
'What a coincidence that you chose the colour James hates the most,' Remus remarked.
'Oh, is it?' Lily asked. 'I just thought it went well with my hair.'
'Looking at it now,' James said. 'I find I don't hate it quite as much as I thought I did.'
Sirius laughed. 'Weird how that happens, isn't it? It's the same for me when Remus wears green.'
Lily and Remus both blushed, and Remus quickly finished up the spells on the glass orbs. 'Who's next?'
'Why do you only have three?' Dorcas asked once he'd finished, and the orbs were all clear.
'Peter had an accident with his and it was destroyed,' Remus explained. 'I haven't got around to making him a new one yet.'
'I guess we'll have to split into three groups then,' Lily said. 'Two groups of three and one pair.'
'Me and Peter could be the pair,' Mary said. 'Then you can just do boys and girls.'
'Boring.' Sirius declared, pulling out his wand. 'Let's leave the wand to decide. Get in a circle.'
There were a few raised eyebrows, but no one argued with him, quietly arranging themselves into a rough circle and Sirius placed his wand on the floor in the centre and gave it a spin—possibly a little too enthusiastically. 'The first member of one group of three is…' he said as they watched it spin for almost a minute before finally landing on, '… Peter.' Peter moved back, and they closed the gap. 'Let's see who you'll be with,' Sirius said, reaching for the wand again.
'Maybe don't spin it so hard this time?' Marlene suggested.
'Yes, thank you, Marls. I had figured that out for myself, actually.' Sirius spun the wand a little more gently and waited for it to stop. 'Remus. Well, that's boring. If this doesn't land on one of the girls this time, we're starting again.'
Thankfully, there was no need to start again as the third time he spun it, the wand landed on Lily.
'Not the most interesting combination,' Sirius said. 'But it'll do. Right, who's next?'
The second group of three ended up being James, Marlene, and Mary, which left Sirius to partner up with Dorcas. She'd scowled when the final spin of the wand had stopped on Mary, and she hadn't stopped scowling since. Sirius wasn't sure what he'd ever done to her to provoke such a reaction, but she clearly didn't want to spend time with him. Maybe it was because he was too loud like she'd said during truth or dare? But she had to realise he'd be quiet on a secret nighttime mission, so it couldn't be that. Whatever it was, he was going to find out.
Once the groups had been chosen, they took two baskets each and decided on which parts of the school each of them would be covering. Lily's group was responsible for the second, third, and fourth floors, and they decided to start on the second and work up. The other groups decided working up was the best idea too, so they all travelled together as far as the fifth floor, where Dorcas and Sirius split off.
When they reached the second floor, they whispered goodbyes to Mary, Marlene, and James, and left the Grand Staircase to begin.
'Let's go all the way to the far corner and work back to the stairs,' Lily whispered, hoisting the basket she was carrying further up her arm, 'avoiding Professor Sprout's quarters.'
Remus nodded, leading the way with the glass orb detector in his hand. 'That's probably the best plan, yeah.'
He was acting normally, mostly. Though he seemed to be keeping his distance from her, which was a little odd. There was nothing in his words or tone when he spoke to suggest he was still mad at her for spying on him and Sirius the other day, but she wanted to make sure. The problem was, she didn't know if Peter knew about what had happened, so she didn't want to say anything in front of him, and they were all sticking quite close together as they worked their way through the second and third floors, secreting tiny eggs in nooks and crannies and casting the charms to enlarge them and activate the house-elves magic.
But she got her chance when they reached the fourth floor. There were no teacher's quarters on that floor, and they weren't planning on leaving any eggs inside the library, knowing Madam Pince would not be amused, so they decided to split up and leave a few at the far ends of the corridors surrounding the library, Peter taking one basket and Lily the other, while Remus waited near the staircase with the detector to alert them if anyone came near that floor.
Sprinting to the end of the corridor, Lily worked at top speed to get back to Remus first. She'd come to know Peter quite well since he'd been going out with Mary, and she was fairly sure he wouldn't see any reason to rush through his task, so her speed should gain her a few minutes to talk to Remus.
'Perfect,' she muttered to herself as she rounded the corner and saw him standing where they'd left him, alone. As she drew closer, he looked up from the glass orb in his hand and spotted her.
'Hey, done already?' he asked. He was smiling, but there was a slight edge to his voice that made her heart speed up.
'Yeah, I wanted to speak to you without Peter around,' she said, noticing Remus' back straighten and his eyes dart left and right as she continued speaking, 'about what happened the other day? I'm really sorry. I hope you're not still mad at me?'
Remus' posture relaxed a little as she finished speaking, and he frowned. 'About what?'
Lily felt her face warming and ducked her head. Why was he making her say it? 'You know? When I followed you and Sirius, and I saw you,' she waved her hand, but Remus still looked blank, so she lowered her voice even more and finished the sentence, 'kissing.'
'Oh,' Remus said, and his frown deepened for a moment before his expression cleared, leaving a politely blank expression. 'Oh. Right. No, I'm not still mad at you. I'd forgotten about it, actually.'
'Okay, good,' Lily said, eyeing him carefully. His face was serene, but there was something in his eyes. They were blazing with emotion, or maybe it was just the reflection of the torchlight.
'Hey, you guys ready to go up?' Peter asked, walking up to them.
Remus nodded, turning away from her. 'Yeah. I'm worn out. I'd like to get to bed as soon as possible.'
'Did I do something to offend you?' Sirius asked five minutes after they separated from the others. 'It's just, you keep glaring at me.'
They'd crept to the far corner of the fifth floor and were about to begin distributing their eggs in the classrooms, but they hadn't spoken a word to each other the entire time. Dorcas was honestly surprised it had taken him so long to say something.
'Yes,' she said, seeing no point in lying about it. There were very few good reasons for lying as far as she could see. She wouldn't say there were no good reasons, because there were some scenarios where lying would be the right thing to do—to save someone's life, for instance—but this definitely didn't fall into any of those categories.
'Oh,' Sirius said, sounding surprised. He paused, and then, 'Any chance you'll tell me what I did?'
Dorcas pulled an egg out of her basket and pointed her wand at it. 'Engorgio,' she said, watching the egg grow in her hand. It was encased in a gold wrapping that was too smooth to possibly be foil. The elves really had gone overboard. 'Let's do this section and talk on the way to the next part.'
'Alright…' Sirius said, slowly. 'As you wish.' He was frowning as he pulled an egg from his own basket, and his back stiffened as he turned away from her to find a suitable hiding spot for it. Either he was so arrogant that he genuinely didn't think he'd done anything wrong, or he thought she was too stupid to have figured it out, which was insulting.
They worked separately for a few minutes, enlarging eggs, finding places to hide them in the group of rooms nearby, and then activating the house-elf magic before meeting back up in the corridor.
'I think that's enough for this area,' Sirius said, his voice sounding much posher than it usually did.
Dorcas nodded her agreement and started moving towards the corner. 'We should skip the next corridor. There are teachers' quarters there.'
'Are you going to tell me what I've done to offend you now?' Sirius asked, falling into step next to her.
'You can't guess?'
'No,' Sirius snapped. 'Obviously not or I wouldn't be asking.'
Dorcas clenched her fists. She didn't appreciate being spoken to in that tone. 'You really have no idea? Or maybe you do, but it just hasn't entered your arrogant head that I might be smart enough to work it out.'
'For fuck's sake, Dorcas,' Sirius hissed. 'Will you just tell me what it is?'
'You cheated on Marlene!' she snapped back.
Before Sirius could respond, they were distracted by a loud meow drifting around the corner they were headed towards and Dorcas glanced at the glass orb sitting at the top of Sirius' basket. It was glowing red. 'Shit. Run!'
They both spun on their heels and sprinted back up the corridor, and as they approached the end, Sirius grabbed her hand and tugged her to the right.
'This way.'
She pulled her hand away, wiping it on her trousers, but followed him and they skidded to a stop in front of a painting of the night sky. Sirius already had his wand in hand and he used it to poke the north star, making the painting swing open to reveal a secret passage which they dashed into, pulling the painting closed behind them.
'Where's it go?' Dorcas whispered.
'I did not cheat on Marlene,' Sirius replied. His volume was muted, but he still managed to inject his words with a decent amount of anger. 'Where the fuck did you get that idea?'
Dorcas jerked her head, telling him to follow her. If they were going to talk about this, then it was best not to do it right next to the door. They walked in silence until they were far enough to not be heard by anyone who passed through the corridor, and then Dorcas stopped and turned to face him.
'I saw you kissing Remus at Halloween. You told Marlene it wasn't true, and she believed you, but then you dumped her after Christmas and now you're with him. And I know you kissed him back then. I saw you.'
Sirius huffed. 'No, you didn't. What you saw was a private moment of affection between two friends. We didn't get together until Christmas. I told Marlene the first chance I had, and our relationship wasn't real at that point, anyway.'
'I don't believe you.'
Sirius glared at her, clearly annoyed that his lies weren't being believed, and then his eyes widened. 'Wait, wait! I can prove it!' he said, flapping his hands before reaching into the inner pocket of his robes and pulling out a thin notebook. He flicked through to the second page and grabbed his wand, running the tip from the top of the page to the bottom repeatedly as his eyes scanned back and forth until he stopped, jabbing the page with his wand. He frowned and chewed his lip, his eyes darting across the page like he was reading as his cheeks gradually reddened, and after a moment he reached back into the same pocket, pulling out a pen and scribbling furiously at the top of the page before crossing out several lines, taking a deep breath, and handing the book to her. 'There, it's embarrassing as fuck, and I swear if you talk about it to anyone, I'll do something extremely unpleasant to you, but if this is what it takes to make you believe me, then so be it.'
Dorcas turned her eyes to the page, the title of which had been thoroughly scribbled out, and frowned. It seemed like notes written between two people, one with a messy scrawl, and the other with calligraphy so perfect it could have been printed. The page was dated 25th December 1972 with a time-stamp of six forty-five.
There's a lot to respond to here, so I'm going to take it one point at a time.
First, I think you're apologising for the wrong thing. It's not your fault we didn't "get a chance to talk" but it is your fault that I spent all day wondering if you hated me. Perhaps try apologising for refusing to look at me all day. While we're on the subject, I'm extremely upset that I didn't get a hug before I left to go home.
Second, I don't know why you think you took advantage of me when I'm the one who kissed you, but the way you've phrased your regrets makes me question whether you regret kissing me, or only that it happened when I was drunk. Please clarify this.
'You got drunk and kissed him?' Dorcas asked, looking up.
Sirius shrugged, attempting to look uncaring, but his face was redder than she'd ever seen it. 'At the Marauders' Christmas party. Someone spiked the punch.'
'I remember. A bunch of first-years got drunk and started a fight.'
'Keep reading,' Sirius said.
Third, if kissing me was wrong, I never want you to be right.
Fourth, I hope that my being in control of my actions isn't a prerequisite to you kissing me again, because being out of control is my natural state. I don't need alcohol for that.
Dorcas huffed a laugh when she read that part.
Fifth, see the first point.
Sixth, I'll forgive you happily, once you apologise for the right thing.
The handwriting changed to the messy scrawl then.
God, I'm sorry for making you think I hated you. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was ashamed and scared to see anger or pain in your eyes. Not very Gryffindor of me, I know. And I'm so sorry that I let you go home without a proper goodbye. Has everything been okay?
As for kissing you. I'm not sure what to say. Surely the fact that I kissed you back answers your question? You seem rather keen on repeating the experience, but my conscience is forcing me to point out that you have a girlfriend. Where exactly do you see her fitting into all this?
'Exactly,' Dorcas said. 'It says right here. You have a girlfriend, and this was after you already kissed him. You cheated.'
'Keep reading,' Sirius said again.
Thank you for apologising. You are forgiven. Everything's fine here. I've managed to stay on Mother's good side so far. Spending the entire day in Diagon Alley with Reg yesterday helped.
Your kissing me back would answer the question if it wasn't for the vivid memory I have of you telling me that boys kissing boys is unnatural. That muddies the waters somewhat.
We'll talk about Marlene once I know where we stand.
I'm glad you're okay, and I hope you manage to stay on her good side.
Shit. I did say that, didn't I? Would you believe me if I said I didn't mean it? That I was panicking and just repeated what my mum said to me when dad told her I kissed a boy at the station? Because that's the truth. I don't think it's unnatural. It certainly didn't feel unnatural.
Did you like it?
Yes.
Me too. I have to tell you something about Marlene, but you have to Solemnly Swear not to tell anyone.
Alright. I Solemnly Swear not to tell anyone what you're about to tell me.
Thank you. Marlene isn't really my girlfriend. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ she figured out I liked you, so we agreed to pretend to be together.
There was a suspiciously large gap in that sentence, and it was followed by two blank lines before the conversation continued with, Do you think we would make a cute couple? Then another blank line followed by, In case you're confused, I'm asking you to be my boyfriend.
Dorcas couldn't see what Remus had responded because that was the end of the page, so she looked up. 'Looks like you erased some of it.'
'Things you don't need to know,' Sirius said. 'Do you believe me now?'
Dorcas frowned down at the page. It was possible that Sirius had been lying to Remus too, but it didn't really make sense. If they'd been kissing as far back as Halloween, Remus wouldn't have suddenly been concerned about Marlene at Christmas. And Marlene hadn't been remotely upset by the break-up, which backed up Sirius' story.
'Yeah. I'm sorry for accusing you.'
'As you should be,' Sirius said, taking the notebook back and tucking it into his pocket before offering her his hand to shake. 'But I graciously forgive you. Friends?'
'Friends,' Dorcas said, taking his hand and giving him a smile as she shook it. 'I think Filch has probably gone by now.'
Sirius pulled the unlit glass orb from his basket. 'Looks like it,' he said, starting back towards the fifth-floor corridor. 'And it's the Astronomy Tower, by the way.'
'What?'
'This passage. You asked where it leads. It's the Astronomy Tower.'
Mary had decided she had the worst luck of any person to ever exist. She must to have ended up in a group with Marlene and James, and to then have that group assigned to the dungeons. It had taken them ages to get all the way down there, and the dungeons were far more branching and maze-like than the rest of the floors, so it was taking even longer to make sure they spread the eggs out into all areas. And James and Marlene's constant good-natured bickering wasn't helping.
'I don't think we've been this way yet,' James said, pointing down a side passage they were passing.
Marlene flicked his earlobe. 'We did that one ten minutes ago, idiot.'
'Don't do that,' James said, swiping at her hand. 'Are you sure?'
Marlene dodged him and flicked it again. 'But they're so flickable.'
'Yeah, we did that one. I remember that painting,' Mary said. 'And will you two stop already? You're going to get us caught.'
'There's no one around,' James said, holding up his glass orb that was glowing a pale orange. 'Oh, shit.'
'See what happens when you let yourself get distracted?' Mary whispered. 'Come on. In here.' She opened the closest door and they all hurried inside. It was one of the many Potions' classrooms, and each of the workstations held a gently simmering cauldron. Smoke rose from them, ranging in colour from white to dark grey. Mary couldn't tell what potion was in the process of being brewed there—Peter would probably know immediately, she thought fondly—so it was impossible to tell which of them was closest to the correct colour, but she hoped it was the whiter ones. There were more of those.
Marlene had wandered over to the window to look out at the Great Lake as a pod of merpeople swam past, but James was lurking by the door, which he'd cracked open so he could peek out.
'What are you up to, mini-Twinkles?' he muttered under his breath. It sounds mad, but she would swear on her life that's what he said.
'What?'
He jumped and pushed the door closed. 'Nothing. It was a Slytherin student. They've gone past, but we should probably wait a bit before we go out to make sure they've gone.' He glanced around the room. 'Probably best if we don't put any eggs in here. Don't want to ruin anyone's work.'
'What potion needs to be simmered for over two weeks?' Marlene asked, turning away from the window.
'Don't ask me,' James said. 'I'm barely scraping an E in Potions, and that's with Peter's help.'
'It's probably NEWT work,' Mary said as Marlene approached one of the cauldrons. 'For god's sake, don't touch anything. It could be dangerous.'
'Yeah,' James agreed. 'Messing up potions is a bad idea. You might end up getting attacked by your best mate's trousers the next morning.'
Mary and Marlene both stared at him.
'And I realise, belatedly, that comment made absolutely no sense to either of you.'
'It didn't,' Marlene said. 'But I am eager to hear the story behind it.'
'Well,' James said. 'We were brewing a potion in our dorm, and we left Remus alone with it.'
'Hold on,' Marlene said. 'You were brewing in your dorm? Are you mad?'
'No, as long as someone's there, the house-elves won't do an inspection.'
Marlene tilted her head to the side. 'That is useful information.'
'Right?' James grinned at her. 'Anyway, we left Remus to guard the potion, and he somehow managed to drop an entire pot of ink in the cauldron while we were gone.'
'How?' Marlene shrieked, laughing.
James shushed her. 'I have no idea, but it blew up the cauldron and animated Remus' clothes. And once he managed to get them off, he stuffed them in my trunk so they'd attack me when I opened it the next morning.'
'Brilliant. I wish I'd seen that,' Marlene said, laughing even harder and not even seeming to question why the boys were brewing a potion that animated inanimate objects. Honestly, it was like no one but Mary ever paid attention to the details.
'Don't tell Remus and Sirius I said so, but it was pretty hilarious,' James said, laughing with her.
'It's probably safe to leave now,' Mary said. 'Come on. We've still got two more floors to do.'
He kissed James.
He kissed James.
He kissed James.
The words were on repeat in Remus' head, and he couldn't make it stop. Logically, he knew James had been polyjuiced as Remus at the time, and Lily had said she was following them, so they probably had no choice. But the beast inside him didn't care. It was furious, and it was all he could do to keep from growling in frustration as they slowly climbed the Grand Staircase. It was taking too damn long.
He kissed James, and he didn't tell me.
Why didn't he tell me?
Does he want James?
It was ridiculous. Remus knew Sirius wasn't interested in James. They were more like brothers than friends. There'd never been anything flirtatious between them. Remus watched his Snitch-O-Scope as Lily and Peter took their sweet time climbing the stairs, but it remained clear as they passed the sixth-floor landing.
He kissed James.
Was it a peck, or was it more?
Did he like it?
Lily kept glancing at him as they climbed in silence, so he did his best to compose himself. He couldn't let her see how agitated he was. She was too nosy for her own good. If she hadn't been trying so hard to find out who the werewolf was, she wouldn't have been snooping on Sirius and James, and they wouldn't have been forced to kiss.
Were they forced?
Did they even know she was spying on them?
Maybe they just wanted to kiss.
They made it back to the Fat Lady after only being made to take one small detour when the Snitch-O-Scope had lit up red at the top of the Grand Staircase—more than likely in response to a prowling Filch—but they'd had to poke her awake to give the password, and she was not happy at being disturbed. Remus ignored her lecture about breaking curfew, tapping his foot impatiently as he waited for her to finish and let them inside. Sirius was in there, and he needed to see him.
Finally, the portrait swung open and Remus' eyes immediately landed on Sirius, sitting with Dorcas on the sofa in front of the fire, chatting quietly. Their heads turned to the opening at the same time, and Sirius' smile widened.
Mine!
He kissed James.
Mine!
'Alright, goodnight, then,' Remus said to Lily after climbing through into the common room. 'I'm knackered.'
'You're not going to wait for the others to get back?' Lily asked.
Remus feigned a yawn and crossed the room to Sirius. 'I don't think I can keep my eyes open,' he said, reaching a hand out to Sirius. 'Are you coming or staying?'
Sirius' eyes widened, but he took Remus' hand, letting him pull him to his feet. 'I'll come with you. I'm pretty tired too.'
Lily hummed, knowingly. 'Yes, I'm sure that's what's happening here. You're going upstairs to sleep.'
Sirius stuck his tongue out at her. 'Jealousy doesn't suit you, Lily.'
Dragging him towards the stairs by his hand, Remus forced out a laugh and hoped it didn't sound too fake. 'Don't worry, Lily. I'm sure James will be back soon if you're looking for someone to kiss.' Then, as they moved out of sight, he whispered to Sirius, 'Tell Peter not to come up.'
Sirius smirked. 'How exciting. What's got into you?'
'Just do it.'
'Alright, hold on.' Sirius fell silent as they continued up the stairs, and they were inside the dorm room with the door closed before he finally looked up. 'Done.'
Releasing Sirius' hand, Remus moved to face him, tilting his head back to meet his eyes. 'You kissed James?'
Sirius' smile fell from his face and he winced. 'Shit, I completely forgot to tell you.'
'So you were going to tell me?'
'Yeah, of course!' Sirius said, launching into an explanation. 'We were on our way to collect you from the Hospital Wing, but Lily was following us. We tried to hide, but she was looking in every hiding spot and she was definitely going to find us, so we had to. It was the only plausible reason for me and James, who she thought was you, to be there. We were going to tell you straight away, but then you were so upset, I completely forgot about it. I guess James did too.'
'What sort of kiss was it?' Remus asked, stepping closer. Heat radiated from Sirius' body and his scent engulfed him, making him growl deep in his throat. Mine!
Sirius swallowed, his eyes on Remus' mouth. 'We had to make it look realistic, but there were no tongues involved.'
Remus leaned closer, pushing up on his toes to bring his lips no more than a breath away from Sirius'. His heart was racing, but not with fear. There was something much stronger pushing him on. Mine!
'Did you like it?'
'No,' Sirius breathed. 'It was awful. Please, Moony. You're killing me. Can I touch you? Tell me I can touch you.'
'Yes,' Remus whispered before closing the gap to press their lips together. He kissed him fiercely, pushing him back until he was pinned against the door, and Sirius responded with enthusiasm, bringing his hands to Remus' hips to pull him closer the moment he had permission, but his touch remained gentle and unsure.
'You're mine,' Remus whispered, breaking the kiss to move his lips to Sirius' neck and taste his scent. 'Mine.'
'Yes,' Sirius said on a moan as his head fell back against the door. 'Yours. Always, Moony. I'll always be yours.'