A/N: Unfortunately there's not much that can really be done to spice up the first stage of the exams without dramatically changing the way it works. Fear not, the second stage in the Forest of Death comes soon enough and will be dramatically different from canon!
Kakashi was waiting for us outside room 301 when we arrived.
"So you all came. That's good, if one of you had decided not to show, you would all have been disqualified."
"What!?" Naruto was incredulous. "B-but Kakashi-sensei, you said it was our choice whether or not we wanted to take the exams!"
"That's right, I did," he acknowledged. "I said that so that you wouldn't pressure eachother into taking the tests if you weren't ready. You all needed to make the decision on your own. I want you to know that, even if you don't pass, I'm proud that you decided to make the effort." He took our forms and pulled something else from a pocket in his flack jacket. "Makoto, this is your new shinobi ID. I'll dispose of your old one." We swapped ID cards, and he stepped aside. "Now go on, and show everyone what excellent shinobi you are!"
The moment we entered the room, most of the heads present turned to look at us, no doubt sizing up the new arrivals.
"Sasuke-kun!" A feminine voice shouted out excitedly.
Aw, fuck me, I groused internally as a platinum blonde-haired kunoichi in purple draped herself over my shoulders. I gave her a flat look.
"Please let go of me." She froze when she heard my voice, looked at me carefully, then shot back like she had been shocked, eyes wide. Then she looked at Sakura, and her shocked expression turned into a glare.
"Forehead, what the hell did you do to my Sasuke-kun!?"
"Me!? I didn't do anything, Ino-pig!" Sakura shot back. "And she's not your Sasuke, her name is Makoto!"
"She!?"
"Yes," I interrupted flatly, hoping to avoid a full-on fight and the attention that would come with it. "I am Uchiha Makoto." I flashed my new ID card. "If you have a problem with that, take it up with Hogake-sama." Her jaw flapped like a fish.
"Don't be so troublesome, Ino. It's none of our business what name Uchiha-san uses." Her teammates, Shikamaru Nara and Choji Akimichi, walked up from behind her. Shikamaru was slouching, hands in his pockets and a bored look on his face, while Choji was stuffing his face as usual.
"Well, if it isn't the Three Stooges!"
"Don't call us that, Naruto. You're so troublesome."
"Well, looks like the gang's all here." From the opposite direction, Team 8 arrived, Kiba Inuzuka in front. "So all this year's rookie teams decided to apply, huh? Wonder how far we'll all get. What do you think, Sas- er, Makoto-san?" I shrugged.
"Team 7 will do just fine."
"You think? Heh, with the way we've trained, there's no way you'll be able to beat us!"
"Oh, shut up!" Naruto shouted. "You guys wouldn't even beat an academy student, let alone us!"
"I-I'm sorry, N-Naruto-kun," Hinata apologised shyly, fingers tapping together in an anxious tell. "Kiba didn't mean that the way it sounded…"
"Would you guys do us all a favour and shut up?"
The person who'd spoken approached from the crowd.
Kabuto. I carefully schooled my features into a mask of neutrality. I couldn't have Orochimaru's spy getting suspicious of me. For now, I needed to act like he was just another fellow Leaf shinobi.
"You three gangs of would-be hotshots are all rookies, right?" he continued. "Fresh out of the academy? This isn't a field trip, you know."
"Who the heck do you think you are?" Ino asked in irritation.
"Name's Kabuto, and I'm trying to help you." He gestured subtly to a group of ninja with four straight vertical lines on their hitai-ate. They were all glaring at us. "You see those guys? They're from Amegakure, and they hate Konoha almost as much as Iwa shinobi. I just wanted to give you a heads-up before someone snaps and kicks the crap out of you." He shrugged. "It's probably unavoidable though. You're rookies, probably think you know everything. I remember what that was like."
"Kabuto, are you saying this is the second time you've applied?" asked Sakura, and the silver-haired spy shook his head.
"Seventh, actually. Twice a year for going on four years now."
"Wow, so you've got a lot of experience with what we can expect!"
"I guess so, yeah."
"Wow Kabuto, you are the man!" Naruto exclaimed, making Kabuto grin.
"No, he's not 'the man', Naruto, he's incompetent," I commented drily, hoping to split Kabuto from the Konoha 11. The less they hung out with Orochimaru's spy, the better. "Not making it your first, second, or even third time could just be chalked up to back luck or strong competition. Failing six times in a row means you're a hopeless case."
"Well aren't you a ray of sunshine?" He pulled out a deck of orange cards. "If I were incompetent, how would I have these ninja info cards?"
"You bought the information, clearly. Either that, or you're a really bad spy who flaunts his skills when he should be faking mediocrity." I shrugged. "Whatever. You guys have fun with his little playing cards." I tuned him out as he impressed the rest of the team with his card trick, instead scanning the crowd. Idly, I noticed Karui, Omoi and Samui from Kumo there, as well as Karin and her Kusa team. But the real people of interest were the three Oto nin: Dosu, Zaku, and Kin. Soon enough, Dosu would rush in and attack Kabuto out of spite for dismissing Otogakure as a minor village. I considered stepping in and stopping him – I could probably put a Chidori through his chest while he was focused on Kabuto if I could run through the hand seals without being noticed. With their leader dead, the others would be disqualified from the exams. Eliminating the Sound team early would save us some trouble in the second round. But that would reveal my skill to Kabuto, and if he knew, then Orochimaru would soon know, too. No, I needed to save as many of my tricks as possible for the sannin. So after Naruto gave his ridiculous speech, I just stood back and watched Dosu use his sound jutsu to crack Kabuto's glasses and damage his ear, leaving him vomiting on the ground. Naruto and Sakura fussed over Kabuto, while the rest of us eyed the Sound shinobi warily.
"Pathetic," Dosu spat with contempt. "Aren't you a four year veteran?"
"Write this down on your cards," Zaku drawled, "'the three Otogakure shinobi will definitely be chuunin'." Before anyone could respond, a smoke bomb went off in the front of the room.
"Quiet down you worthless bastards!"
The smoke cleared, revealing about 20 Konoha chuunin and jounin, led by a scarred man in a leather long coat with his hitai-ate worn as a bandana.
"I am Morino Ibiki, proctor for the first stage of the chuunin selection exam." He pointed in our direction. "You, from Oto. No violence before the exam, do you want to fail already?"
"I apologise. This is our first time, we got a bit carried away," said Dosu, not even attempting to sound sincere.
"Bah. Here's a good opportunity to say this: there will be no fighting without the permission of the examiners. Those pigs that disobey me will be failed immediately. Do I make myself clear?" He allowed a moment for it to sink in, then continued. "We will now start the first test in the chuunin exam." He held up a piece of paper with '1' written on it. "All of you will pick one of these tabs and sit in the corresponding seat, then we will hand out the exams."
"What!? A written test!?" Naruto shouted incredulously. I shook my head.
"It'll be fine, Naruto."
In short order, we were all seated and had tests facedown before us.
"Do not turn your tests over," Ibiki ordered. "Listen closely to what I'm about to say. There are rules to this test. I'll write it on the board while I explain, but questions will not be allowed, so listen carefully." He then proceeded to explain the rules, which were simple. We all started with ten points, and each of the ten questions was worth one. Failing to answer or giving an incorrect answer would cause us to lose one point. Whether we passed or failed was based on the total number of points each team had at the end of the test. Anyone caught cheating would lose two points. Anyone who lost all their points, either by failing to answer any questions correctly or by being caught cheating five times, would be disqualified along with their teammates. Only nine questions would be on the sheet, with the tenth being given at the 45 minute mark. "Okay, the exam will last one hour. Begin!"
I already knew about the nature of the test, that it was all one big bluff to see how well we could cheat and that we would all pass just by sticking it out, not getting caught five times, and answering the tenth question. Still, in case anyone looked at the test afterwards and actually cared about what we wrote down, I did exactly as Sasuke had in canon and copied the hand movements of someone who was answering the questions with the Sharingan.
"Okay, we will now begin the tenth question." I deactivated the Sharingan before looking up, just to be a little less brazen about my cheating. "Before we get to it, though, there are two additional rules for this question." At that moment, Kankuro returned, and Ibiki asked if playing with his doll helped him. Naturally, he would see right through Kankuro's puppet trick, not that it mattered. He then got right back to the rules. "First, taking the tenth question is optional."
"Optional!? What happens if we choose not to take it!?" Temari shouted.
"If you choose not to take it, your points will be reduced to zero. You fail, along with your teammates!"
"What does that mean!?"
"Of course we'll decide to take the tenth question!" Ibiki ignored the outbursts.
"The second rule: if you choose to take it, and answer incorrectly…" He let everyone hang in suspense for a while, and was probably enjoying it, too. "Not only will you fail, but you will be barred from ever taking the chuunin exams ever again!"
"What kind of stupid rule is that!? There are plenty of people here who've taken the exam before!" At Kiba's outburst, Ibiki chuckled, the corners of his mouth rising into a grin in the first facial expression he'd made since entering the room.
"That's because I didn't get to make the rules before. You guys are unlucky this year, I'm in charge. But I am giving you a way out – if you're not confident, you can just choose not to take it, and try again next year. Now let's begin. Those that do not wish to take the question, raise your hand. Once your number is confirmed, leave." It took a few moments, but someone raised their hand and bailed. That started a chain reaction of sorts, with a good number of people opting out. Then Naruto slammed his desk.
"Don't underestimate me!" he shouted out confidently. "I will not run! I'll take it! Even if I'm stuck as a genin forever, I'll still become Hokage anyway, dattebayo! I am not afraid!"
"I'll ask you again," Ibiki said, voice quiet yet still audible to everyone. "Your life is riding on this decision. This is your last chance to quit."
"I never go back on my word, that's my ninja way." Naruto's declaration seemed to bolster the morale of the other applicants, there was no way anyone else would be quitting now.
"Good decision. Then to everyone remaining… I congratulate you on passing the first test!"
Silence.
"Wait, what do you mean?" Sakura asked in confusion. "What about the tenth question?" Ibiki smiled wide.
"There never was one. Or rather, that was the tenth question!"
"Then what were the first nine questions for!? Where they pointless, then!?"
"No, they were not pointless. They served their purpose: to test your ability to gather information." The interrogation specialist went on to explain the true purpose of the test and the importance of being able to gather good intel, revealing his horribly scarred and burnt scalp in the process. He finished by wishing us luck in the rest of the exam, and just as he did so, a window was shattered by a flying object. A banner was pinned to the ceiling by thrown kunai, and Anko Mitarashi revealed herself.
"This is no time to be celebrating!" the purple-haired jounin shouted. "I am the proctor for the second test, Mitarashi Anko! Now let's go, maggots! Follow me!" No one moved, and she seemed to deflate a little.
"You're early," Ibiki commented, moving around the banner.
"Seventy-eight?" Anko asked, incredulous. "You're going soft, the test was too easy this time!"
"We had a stronger crop this year."
"Bah, that's fine. I'll cut them at least by half in the second test. Alright, maggots, let's get going!"