9
CHAPTER 9 – THE KIDNAPPING
The boy slouched against the cold of the great stone pillar. The pouring rain's white noise was all that kept him grounded to reality. It had drenched his tattered jeans, soaked his T-shirt, and matted his dark locks to his forehead. He remained immobile, numb to the raging storm, as still more water poured down his cheeks from his puffy eyes. There was no one that could comfort him now, nothing that could take away the pain. He was alone. She was gone.
"Sis," he sniffled, his young voice broken and whimpering. "Why… why'd you leave me? Where'd you go? I miss you… so much…"
"I can't believe we're about to try this," Zell grunted as he pulled himself up.
"I can," Squall said. "Doesn't make it any less absurd."
He unfastened the cable from the climbing harness beneath his intertwined belts. Selphie had already finished up ahead of them; she sat on the edge of the concrete outcropping, her legs dangling over the railroad tracks below.
It had been pitch-black upon their departure from the Forest Owls' hideout. Now, the first traces of coming sunlight threatened to clear the horizon within the hour. Squall only hoped the train would arrive before then; as far-fetched as the plan already was, its chance of success became all the more slim without the cover of darkness. He'd reluctantly left his gunblade with the Owls aboard their train, as had Selphie her nunchaku; the last thing he needed was his sheathed weapon clanging on the carriage as he moved across. As Rinoa had assured him, an adequate amount of trees lined either side of the railway. They thinned at sporadic intervals, still in the midst of a decades-long re-growth process.
Zell detached his own cable from his harness. He carefully coiled it up into the backpack they'd been provided.
"Well, I know I got a good night's sleep," he said sarcastically. "Who else is ready to be blown sky-high?"
"Aw, don't be such a pessimist!" Selphie playfully chided him. "That's Squall's job!"
"A pessimist is what an optimist calls a realist," Squall recited. "You're not the least bit concerned this could end in our deaths?"
"Of course, I am. But, I believe we can pull it off. As long as there's a chance, we've got to give it a shot, right?"
Remind me never to go gambling with you.
Very little of Squall's sleep could have been called sound. Their accommodations had been slap-dash, a trio of gutted former offices with bedrolls and leftover desks to organize their belongings on. Lack of proper back support, or head support via the under-stuffed pillow, made him long for his new bed at the Garden.
More pertinently, he envied the plush mattress the Owls' darling princess slept on. Her room's luxurious commodities stood in blatant contrast to the rest of the building; even the rooms of the other members were far more austere by comparison. It was a frivolous waste of resources. He knew not how Rinoa had come to join the faction, but could assume she'd come from a significantly more privileged upbringing than the rest. The irksome air of entitlement she carried only strengthened his hunch.
"I'm telling you, though," Zell moaned. "That float-technique thing, I've tried it over and over, and I can never get it down."
"I said it before, you'll just have to piggyback!" Selphie reminded him.
"Oh, come on! Spare a man his dignity, will ya?"
"How can you do it?" Squall finally broached the question. "It's an advanced technique. It's not something you can just pick up in a matter of days."
"Oh," she blushed. "Well, you see… we don't use GFs at Trabia, but we had classes in my transfer program where we went over the kinds of techniques SeeDs use. I just kinda took notes and, you know, put it to use once I got mine."
"Knowing how something works, and having the skill to do it are two different things."
"Beginner's luck, I guess?"
On second thought, maybe you're the ideal person to go gambling with.
If true, it would be the most unbelievably quick uptake in the history of SeeD; not even Quistis had been so prodigious. It beggared belief for this ditzy girl to show so much aptitude with seemingly no effort. She'd already demonstrated superb control of both wind and lightning spellcraft; while the two elemental schools did not conflict with one another, her competence with both made it difficult for Squall to guess which was her GF's native disposition. Either would at least provide a counterbalance to his and Zell's spheres.
"Well, let's hope some of that luck'll rub off on us," Zell said.
"I think Squall's caught a bit already," Selphie teased, rising to her feet.
"What are you talking about?" Squall asked; he did not take kindly to the impish spring in her voice.
"Oh, you know what I'm talkin' about, you dog!" she slapped him across the shoulder. "You think I didn't see you tearing up the dance-floor with a certain someone at the ball? I'm tellin' ya, this is a sign!"
"Seriously?" Zell perked his head up.
"She already has someone," Squall explained. "She was there looking for her date, so he could introduce her to the headmaster. That's how she got this contract filed in the first place. She just used me for a good time."
"Oh," Selphie sighed. "That's too bad. And you looked like you were having fun, too!"
"She dragged me into it. I only went along because I didn't want to cause a scene."
It was half true. He'd resisted becoming physical with her when she'd pulled him into the circle of dancing couples. Try as he might however, he couldn't deny the elation he'd felt as they'd waltzed, nor the sorrow of having it ripped away from him just as quickly. To learn that he'd been used in pursuit of his rival was to have poured salt on the still mending wound.
"That so?" Zell asked with a hint of ire. "Glad to hear she got that kind of consideration."
Don't start with me…
"So, who's the 'prince', then? Anyone I'd know?"
He's going to love this.
Squall opened his mouth, when a faint rumbling came into earshot. It emanated from the tunnel below. A blaring train horn followed, shattering the early morning silence. He spread his legs to steady himself from the oncoming vibrations.
"Sounds like it's showtime!" Selphie hollered.
"Get on!" Squall motioned to Zell.
He dropped to one knee, propping his hunched back to the blonde. As he did so, he reached down to activate the sphere on his belt. Zell reluctantly climbed aboard, and slung his arms around his neck.
"Not a word about this when we get back home!" he demanded. "We take this to the grave, got it?!"
"Be careful what you wish for!"
With his passenger secured, he rose back to his feet. He fumbled for the stopwatch around his neck, untangling the strap from his lion pendant. The operation's success would hinge on the exact timing the Owls had predetermined. Simulations and physics calculations assumed machine-like consistency, and could never account for human error. Theoretical possibility did not necessarily mean something could be replicated in practice. They were about to find out if this was indeed one of those cases.
The rumbling drew ever closer. Squall's thumb hovered just over the pause switch as he waited for the locomotive to emerge. The horn sounded again, now almost directly beneath his feet. He rushed forward as fast as he could with Zell on his back. Selphie sprung into motion beside him. They reached the lip of the concrete frame just as the train shot from below. He engaged the stopwatch, and leapt with all of his might. He focused the energy into his legs as he'd trained, willing it to form a flotation buffer. They rapidly decelerated just before colliding with the roof of the second escort. Squall touched down with both feet, and immediately hunched forward to steady himself with one hand.
Zell unfurled his hold, and clambered off. The rushing wind whipped through Squall's hair as he brought the timer up in his free hand. He squinted at the display: 2:10, 2:09…
He glimpsed back over his shoulder to his teammates, and motioned ahead. They fought their way against the perpetual gust, inching forward as quickly as they could. All the while, he took care not to stomp too loudly on the car; there was only so much excess noise the guards inside would be willing to brush off. He reached the fore of the car, peered down into the divide to be sure there were no sentries, and gingerly stepped across to the president's car. The first glimmers of sunlight had peeked over horizon, lighting up the trees whizzing by on either side.
1:36, 1:35…
"I'll handle this!" Zell half-yelled as they reached the other side.
He unzipped his backpack to retrieve the cable from within. He hurriedly clipped it back to his harness, and threw the other end to Squall.
"Give me your stopwatch!"
Squall obliged, handing it off in exchange for the cable. He strung the other end to his own harness, linking them together.
"Selphie, keep watch for me, okay?" he asked as he threw the stopwatch over his head.
"You bet!"
The girl hopped over the gap to the first escort, falling to her knees as she peeked out over the edge. Zell slowly backed up to the left side. Squall shuffled back opposite him to extend the cable as much as he could. The blonde carefully eased himself over. His comrade's hanging weight forced Squall to tighten his grip, and bend his knees. Inch by inch, he gradually let the rappel slip beyond the clasp of his black gloves.
His cadet studies had included a seminar on various models of modern transportation, for the purposes of both operation and sabotage. Standard-issue Galbadian carriages featured an automated coupling system made up of two flexible, retractable steel spokes to the front. Both were magnetized, designed to bind upon insertion into the matching slots on the rear of the car ahead. The control panel rested on the front-left exterior of each car, kept out of reach of passengers in the midst of a journey. It was now up to Zell, literally hanging by a thread, to retract them as soon as the timer hit zero, and sheer dumb luck that a guard on the first escort didn't look out and see him.
The minute slithered by all too slowly. Squall's heart pounded in his chest. His heels dug into the metal canopy. His hands gripped the cable with all his might. Below, supported only by the harness and his feet pressed to the side, Zell's outstretched hand hovered in front of the panel. Selphie had yet to alert either of them; by some miracle, the operation seemed to be going according to plan.
Don't get complacent. This is the most unpredictable part.
Zell jabbed the panel with lightning quick reflexes. A distinct pair of thunks sounded from below as the spokes retracted. On cue, Selphie picked herself up, and crossed back over before the gap could sufficiently widen. Squall maintained his grip on the cable, fighting to ignore the lactic acid building in his muscles. To perform the re-connection with the Owls' own locomotive, the spokes needed to be re-engaged once enough distance had been cleared.
"Let me help," Selphie insisted.
She took hold of the cable with him. What meager upper body strength she possessed compared to Squall was still a welcome contribution, easing the burden on his own arms slightly.
The divide between the train's two halves opened up, gradually widening as both friction and wind resistance took effect. After a few more seconds, the dual thunks sounded from below again. Squall and Selphie slowly backed up. They put the utmost care into each step as they pulled Zell up the side, the wind threatening to sweep them off at a moment's notice. His blonde head of hair finally poked over the edge. He hoisted himself over, wiping the sweat from his brow and removing the rappel from his harness. Squall detached it from his own, and wound it up.
"It's out of our hands now," Zell sighed. "Thanks for the assist, guys. Hard to believe it's gone so smoothly."
"It's weird," Selphie hummed. "I didn't see a single guard on that car. I peeked my head right over for a sec, and there was no one inside."
"No one?" Squall repeated with unease.
"Seriously?!" Zell's jaw dropped. "The Owls said there'd be security on both! What gives?!"
"Have we got the right train?" Selphie worried.
Squall slung the coiled wire around his shoulder, and knelt down. He reached into his jacket's pocket to procure a small handheld mirror. He angled it over the edge to peer in through the windows of the president's car. Regal drapery was drawn across each pane of thick, bulletproof glass.
"I could've told you the curtains were closed," Zell said.
Something's not right…
"Here they come!" Selphie called.
Squall spun around. Through the thinning trees on the other side, the Forest Owls' yellow locomotive roared down the tracks. It pushed along the dummy car to its front. With the genuine article now on hand to draw comparison, the fake's paint job was noticeably brighter. If what Selphie claimed was true however, it no longer mattered. All that did matter now was if the driver could make the tight squeeze. He watched wide-eyed as the Owls' train shot ahead to the switch point, and held his breath.
The dummy car swiveled onto the connecting tracks. It twisted along the curve, emerging just behind the first escort as it cleared the intersection. The yellow engine swooped in behind moments before the president's car reached it. It slowed ever so slightly to let the back half catch up. Seconds later, the magnetized spokes audibly connected.
"It worked!" Selphie celebrated.
"Barely!" Zell exhaled. "I thought I was gonna have to change my pants for a second."
Squall too released his breath, awestruck at their turn of luck. Or was it in fact skill? Perhaps he'd been too quick to judge their clients after all. Perhaps Zone, Watts, and Rinoa were far more competent and calculating than he'd given them credit for.
No, this is all just one gigantic fluke.
"Awesome job!"
The voice came from the front of the president's car. Rinoa climbed up the steel-runged ladder on the rear of the yellow locomotive. Her long black hair whipped in the billowing breeze, as did her blue duster sweater; how she could think the outfit appropriate for such a mission baffled Squall. A pair of Forest Owl operatives in khaki camo followed her up.
"We've got about 3 minutes 'till we reach the next switch point!" she yelled. "We need to decouple both ends at the same time. Grat and Raldo will keep lookout."
"Selphie says there's no one on board the first car," Squall informed her.
"Even better! Let's get moving."
"That doesn't strike you as odd? Kidnapping a world leader shouldn't be this simple."
"You call what I just did simple?!" Zell cut in.
"You heard what Zone said," Rinoa ignored him. "Deling hates being surrounded by his guards. Come on, we're wasting time! Let's just finish this up, and make our getaway. Selphie, you head over and help the guys with the decoupling up front. They've got their own rappel gear. Squall, Zell, you're with me."
"Yes, ma'am!" Selphie saluted.
She leapt back across to the locomotive, and continued down its length with the two Owls. Squall reluctantly followed Rinoa in the opposite direction, back across the president's car. The pit in his stomach continued to grow as they crossed over to the second escort. He brought his mirror back out to peer inside the windows. True to Selphie's account, the cold steel interior was completely vacant. He shifted the reflection left and right; still, there was no sign of anyone on board.
This is all wrong…
"No one home?" Zell said.
"How much do you trust the intel you got for this operation?" he asked Rinoa.
"Watts has never let us down before," she insisted. "You two get into position. Raldo will signal me when to hit the switch."
"Here we go again," Zell moaned.
Squall handed him one end of the cable from around his shoulder. The two re-fastened it to their harnesses, and proceeded to replicate the previously successful formation. Zell lumbered down the side of the carriage quicker than before; there was no more need to be mindful of making noise. Squall gripped the cable with Rinoa, lowering it steadily.
"We're going to have to pull him up fast," she said. "We've got to get back across before the car fully separates. Then we'll be home free."
Something tells me it won't be that easy.
"A response would be appreciated!"
"Affirmative," he obliged.
This operation had no business going as well as it was. The absence of security made their chance of detection nonexistent, and their insertion via flotation buffer unnecessary in hindsight. Such traveling conditions were far too lax for the president of Galbadia. The more Squall mulled over the troubling discrepancies, the more he became convinced that the Owls had somehow been duped.
"Now!" Rinoa shouted down.
They started pulling the moment he heard the spokes retract. Zell scurried up, his feet pounding on the side of the carriage. He reached the top, and hurriedly unclipped the cable from his harness. Squall did the same. He coiled it and followed the two over the gap, noticing Selphie and the two Owls racing towards them atop the yellow locomotive.
Off to the side of the tracks, a lone figure stood by the rail switch up ahead. The Galbadian engine roared past, pulling with it the first escort and dummy car. The man operated the switch by hand as soon as it went by. The Owls' locomotive diverted down the curved offshoot with the president's car they stood on. Looking back, Squall saw him return the mechanism to its default position before the straggling second escort passed. It kept rolling straight ahead after the rest of the train.
"We did it!" Selphie cheered.
She high-fived the two Owls in celebration. Squall shared a sidelong glance with Zell, who was clearly every bit as skeptical.
"Told you it'd all work out," Rinoa boasted, grabbing hold of the ladder. "We'll confront Deling as soon as we're back at base."
"I'd advise against that," Squall spoke up. "We need to check the car, now. For all we know, there could be a bomb inside."
"You think so?" the young man named Raldo asked.
"It's the only thing that makes sense. Why else would there be no guards on the train?"
"I'm with Squall," Zell agreed. "There's something sketchy here."
"Fine," Rinoa conceded. "Grab your gear, and we'll head on in together."
She dropped from the ladder, and opened the locomotive's rear door. One by one, they descended the rungs to enter. The interior was rusted and worn down; the engine must have been decommissioned for years before the Owls salvaged it. Squall unwound his belts to remove the harness underneath, and made for his weapon set beside Selphie's against the wall. After checking the revolver attachment was fully stocked with ammunition, he clipped the gunblade to his left side.
"You two stay back here," Rinoa ordered her fellow Owls. "I'll call you if we need backup."
"Yes, ma'am!" the two saluted.
"Everyone ready?" she turned to the SeeDs with her hands on her hips.
"Let us take the lead," Squall advised.
He moved ahead of her, and slid the door open. What remained of the woodlands whizzed by in a blur of muted green on either side. He stepped across the coupling to stand beside the red car's doorway. Selphie held her jangling nunchaku before her, Zell his studded knuckles. The blonde had removed his own harness, his legs spread apart in anticipation. Rinoa stood to their rear, armed only with her determined stare.
"On three," he said, drawing his gunblade.
He reached over to grab the door's handle, and rocked it back and forth ever so gently to check it was not locked.
"One… two… three!"
He yanked the door ajar. Zell rushed inside without hesitation, Selphie on his heels. Squall swung himself around the frame right after her, rapidly darting his eyes from one end of the red carpet to the other. The drapery drawn across the windows blocked out any outside light; the orange lamps set between were the cabin's only illumination. To their right stood a stocked mahogany liquor cabinet with a small bar. Further ahead were a pair of white-cushioned love seats across from one another. A portly, middle-aged man in a dark suit sat on the seat facing them, his head drooped forward as though he were asleep.
"It's… really him?" Zell whispered.
"No guards here, either?" Selphie hummed. "None of this makes sense."
Squall's eyes scanned over every inch of the cabin again. There were no tripwires running across the floor, no cameras mounted on the walls, no sign of movement, and no sound save for the whipping wind to their backs. The leader of a nation sat before them, sound asleep and unguarded. It was unthinkable.
"All clear?" Rinoa whispered into his ear. "I'd like to begin negotiations."
He begrudgingly stepped aside to let her by. The tail of her duster sweater gently swayed as she strode down the cabin's length. She stopped as she came to the rear of the opposing love seat.
"President Vinzer Deling! You are currently a hostage of the Forest Owls. You have nowhere to run. Cooperate with us, and we swear no harm will come to you."
Seconds passed in silence. Deling stayed motionless in his seat.
"President Deling! Are you listening?!"
Still, no response.
"Is he… dead?" Selphie spoke up. "Like, maybe he had a heart attack?"
Rinoa circled the elegant furniture to inspect their hostage. Squall carefully inched forward as she did, his gunblade held aloft. The president remained still as the corpse he resembled as she placed her fingers to his neck.
"Nothing," Rinoa exhaled in disbelief. "He really is dead."
"Well, fuck me!" Zell blurted out. "So, what now? Mission accomplished?"
"I…"
Her mouth hung open. Of every possible outcome, this was one she'd clearly never anticipated. Neither had Squall; he was still stuck on how easily they'd gotten away with abducting him to begin with.
"I… guess so," she finally answered. "All we can hope for now is that his successor's an improvement. Let's just figure out how we're going to dispose of the-"
A sickening noise akin to bones snapping cut her off. Squall immediately shifted his attention back to Deling's body, to be met with a truly horrifying sight: the president's neck had twisted a perfect 90 degrees to the right. His open, lifeless eyes stared directly at Rinoa beside him, seeming to glow with an unnatural orange light. The girl shrieked as she took notice, and fell backwards onto the floor. His jaw suddenly unhinged, allowing his mouth to part wider than a normal human's. A monstrous roar shook the cabin as he lunged for her.
"Move!" Squall yelled.
Rinoa rolled sideways. The president landed with a thud where she'd just laid. His fingers dug deep into the carpet, shredding it to ribbons as though he were a feral beast. Squall charged in with his weapon raised. Deling craned his neck to him with another unsettling snap, and pounced for him on all fours. With a pull of the gunblade's trigger, his left arm flew through the air. Another inhuman howl reverberated through the carriage as Rinoa shimmied her way out of danger.
"What the hell's going on?!" Zell shouted.
Deling writhed in agony as he rose back up to stand on two feet. Squall prepared to rush in for another strike, when the president's features suddenly contorted into a foul mishmash of grey and red.
The aging man's face was now a wicked skull with gnarled teeth, and the same fiery eyes of pure evil. His hair receded into an increasingly deformed cranial structure. His muscles swelled, bursting at the seams of his clothes. The suit was finally torn to shreds as a mass of bloodied organs burst from the chest and stomach cavities, sagging limply across the torso. A tree trunk sized appendage with spiked tendrils regenerated in place of the left arm, smashing the love seats to splinters as the monster flailed its new limb. It took every ounce of fortitude Squall had not to vomit.
"Now I've seen it all!" Zell reeled.
"I think I'm gonna hurl!" Rinoa agreed from behind.
"Looks like it's about to!" Selphie yelled.
The disfigured creature had opened wide its jagged maw. A squelching bubbled up from its esophagus, sounding no different to Squall than the malboro had just before spitting its acid. He immediately conjured a protective barrier, pouring in more energy than usual to accommodate for a greater incoming mass. It shimmered into being just as the monster hocked its bile at him. The acid reflected off, splattering across the carriage wall.
"Zell, Rinoa!" he called over his shoulder. "You two decouple the car! Selphie, you're with me!"
"That'll take too long!" Zell said. "We don't have time to rappel down the side again!"
"Then break the connectors! Just hurry!"
They bolted back out the door, leaving him and Selphie to face down the deformed abomination. He charged forward, sinking his blade into its thick left arm. His eyes widened as the weapon stuck into its flesh. He'd pulled the trigger, which should have allowed it to slice through almost any earthly matter with relative ease; it had barely sunk halfway into the bulging mass of veins. The monster shrieked as it battered him away. The force sent him careening backwards into the mahogany bar. He grit his teeth in pain, falling to his knees. The liquor cabinet followed suit, bringing with it a racket of shattering glass bottles.
He raised his head to Selphie, her hand outstretched to the monster; a ball of fire hovered within her grasp. He instantly disregarded every ounce of pain shooting through his back.
Wind, lightning, and fire?! How many does she know?!
The blast shot from her palm. It set the creature ablaze on impact, its howling growing more frantic. A high-pitched mechanical beeping joined in on the cacophony; evidently, the fire had triggered the on-board smoke detector. Water poured down from the sprinklers set into the ceiling. Selphie rushed over to his side with her nunchaku in one hand, and extended the other to him.
"Let's go!" she urged.
He took her hand, and sprinted back to the doorway with her. Zell stood on the other side; his legs straddled the two cars as he reached down through the divide. He'd apparently attempted to use his GF's strength to bend the spokes out of place. They were frayed, yet still connected. A visibly shaken Rinoa stood in the doorway of the Owls' train, the two young men by her side.
"What's taking so long?!" Squall demanded. "Step aside!"
He shoved Zell back over to the locomotive, ignoring the blonde's protests. Selphie crossed over after him. Squall stepped onto the edge, and pivoted around. He whipped his gunblade into a reverse grip, and dangled it over the gap with both hands. With his left thumb against the trigger, he thrust down with all of his might. The blade sheared through the already weakened spokes as the monster lumbered to the door.
"What the hell is that?!" Grat yelped.
"Don't just stand there!" Squall yelled back. "Tell the driver to gun it!"
The young man bolted to the front of the locomotive as the creature ducked its head under the doorway. It emerged onto the fore of the president's car, and raised its giant tendril to strike at the group. They were all too tightly clustered together, with no room to dodge. Squall raised his weapon to meet the incoming blow. His heels ground on the steel as the pummeling pushed him to one knee. All the while, the gap between the two cars began widening at an agonizingly slow rate.
Just a little longer!
At that moment, a burst of shimmering white light shot past his head. It collided with the monster's torso, eliciting a furious roar as it was forced back. Squall lowered his gunblade, and looked over his shoulder. Selphie stood with her hand outstretched and eyes trained forward; her expression reflected absolute focus. A small, pale green rabbit with a ruby ingrained into its forehead sat atop her dripping hair. The gemstone charged up with a brilliant white energy, prompting Squall to shield his eyes.
Just then, the ground beneath his feet jerked. The train suddenly sped up, pulling away from the still reeling monster. He reached out for the locomotive's rear railing, clinging on for dear life, and turned back to see a massive blast of light shoot forth from the tiny familiar. The gleaming energy soared across the divide to reach the red coach car. It exploded in a blaze of orange flame and shrapnel, utterly obliterating the monster aboard. Black smoke billowed from the wreckage, wafting into the early morning sky. Squall could only look on in amazement; his mind refused to accept what his eyes had just witnessed.
Selphie's mastery of the flotation-buffer technique puzzled him. Her proficiency with three different schools of elemental spellcraft left him stunned. For her to have summoned and maintained her Guardian Force in a matter of weeks however was beyond anything he'd ever seen in his life; it had taken him a full year of rigorous training to do the same. Furthermore, to learn her sphere's disposition was of the rare holy element was truly astounding. It was a multifaceted element, one possessing powerful offensive and defensive capabilities, and even the ability of rejuvenation if harnessed properly. Because its nature did not run counter to any particular school of spellcraft, an experienced wielder could potentially conjure any other element in turn, as well. Of every SeeD in the history of Balamb Garden thus far, only Commandant Xu possessed another of its kind.
"Booyaka!"
Selphie's victory cry snapped him back to his senses. The familiar atop her head faded away in a flash of light just as quickly. Together, they all filed back into the yellow locomotive, and shut the door.
"That… was freakin' awesome!" Zell cheered.
"Absolutely," Rinoa forced a smile. "Thanks, Selphie."
"Aw, it's nothing," she bashfully grinned. "Let's just be glad we all made it out in one piece."
Who is this girl, really?