Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the last chapter. You're all absolutely wonderful. Of course, at some point we would have therapy letters/journal entries from Jim and Spock. What would the dear Spock universe be without these two spilling all their secrets to each other. For right now, this will be the only story element, where our on ship characters will talk to each other, but that could change over time.

I had planned to post this yesterday but I accidentally left it on my work computer. Then when I tried to post it at lunch today, the Internet was evil and wouldn't let me. Thankfully I could email it to myself. Sorry.

Day 9: Diary of James Tiberius Kirk, husband of Spock

February 26, 2260

Dear Spock:

So I managed to make it to day 9 (technically) of our five-year mission without waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night after having a dying in the warp core flashback/nightmare. But hey, at least there was no screaming involved. This time. Tonight, it was me dying there and not you. Or rather other you dying there. So at least there's that. Emotional transference sucks and I hope you're not sharing dreams with me right now. That would just make things worse.

Honestly, I was expecting this the first night on the ship. Being back at the scene of the crime for the first time since dying would, of course, trigger nightmares. But it didn't happen. I like to think you completely wearing me out from the first night did the trick, but you're currently banning all type of activities like that until the soundproofing situation is fixed.

I am sorry again for not locking the other door. Okay, I am sorry for not locking the doors at all. I completely forgot that now that we're married, they put someone else next-door. On the bright side, the soundproofing will be added tomorrow and at least Hikaru only gossips to his boyfriend and his baby's mama who happens to be the sister of my brother's girlfriend. We know the real story on how his daughter came into the world, so it's not like he will lose respect for us.

Now for the rest the ship, there isn't much hope left. Everybody keeps talking about my demotion. Everybody! Because of course they see it as a demotion and not me stepping aside because I want my husband to get to do the same things I do because he deserves it and not just for publicity reasons.

I don't want to hold you back. We are equals in this. I never want to hold you back because somehow you decided that I was worth your time. Because baby, let's be honest, you are so out of my league. Why did you fall in love with me? Sometimes I don't get it. Especially when I have to listen to such bullshit all the time. You know my self-worth is all out of whack.

Seriously, why did I die for these people? I mean if I'm going to wake up every couple of weeks to nightmares about actually dying, and I mean real nightmares where I feel the pain of dying all over again, I would like for them to be a little bit nicer about it. Okay, let's be honest, I did it for you. I always do it for you.

I'm never going to regret you being alive or any of the crew members that we actually like. Especially those that are my friends. JoJo is just starting to be okay-ish. I don't know what would happen if she lost her mom and dad within a month. Of course if Bones died in a horrible crash, maybe JoJo would still have her mom or maybe she would've been in the car when the accident happened. You never know.

Why did I have flashbacks to dying tonight? I've been in engineering multiple times in the last week and a half, mostly to deal with the teenagers and the illegal distillery, but still no flashbacks. Okay, so I take the long way to avoid where I actually died, but I have been down there so that is not the trigger.

Also, it's another three weeks before the anniversary of Sam's death. That's more of a trigger for mom and Kevin than me. The actual date of his death doesn't mean the same as it means to them because I didn't even find out about it for three more months. Now that's the day that I just get nauseous thinking about. I'm planning to take the day off like last year. It is easier to do stuff like that when you're not Captain. So hey, there's one advantage to switching jobs.

Okay, maybe the fact that somebody is spying on us again is leading to unpleasant dreams. And you thought it was silly for me setting up a code system. I mean, the last time it happened, it was all part of the conspiracy that led to me dying in the warp core. After all the trials and hearings over the last eight months, I kind of hoped we were done with all of that and we could just put it behind us, but apparently, it's happening again.

So who do you think is reading our outgoing correspondence? I could totally see Admiral Chan doing it because, well, my brother is dating her daughter and Sulu knocked up her other daughter during a shore leave three-way with the bi curious loser who ran away after the condom broke. Okay, I wanted it to be Chan because she would be the most benign person to be spying on us.

At the same time, I don't think it's her because Admiral Chan seems like the type of person who would tell you that she's reading your personal correspondence. She also hates most of Starfleet's hierarchal bullshit. So, if somebody was ordering her to do it she probably would just tell them the fuck off. You have no idea how many members of the Admiralty she told to get fucked when she violated direct orders to save everyone on Tarsus.

Also, Liz warned us so maybe not her. I don't know. I will send the message once I encrypt everything and set up something non-Starfleet that they can't spy on. Give me a couple of days, maybe more if I have to keep dealing with teenagers. JoJo is perfect, but some of the others not so much. We are never having kids. Kevin is like it.

Although, considering we are being spied on, I think this time around I'm going to do all my letters to you in hard copy. Maybe I should be happy that Margarita gave me an entire stack of diaries or maybe she just realizes I'm that screwed up and may need an entire stack of therapy diaries. Who knows with her. My therapist is strange.

Dear James:

Although I do believe that you will successfully create a secure channel to communicate with friends and family outside of Starfleet that will not be monitored, I do agree that we should do any personal correspondence of a private nature via hardcopy therapy journal. I will not use this opportunity to convince you that procreation will be necessary in the future because I do not take your previous comments regarding not having children seriously.

I did not wake up, because I shared your dream. I did wake up because you laid on top of me when you retrieved a therapy journal to write to me. I grabbed it to respond to you as soon as your breathing evened out indicating that you have successfully fallen back to sleep without the need of a sedative hypo. I'm grateful for that.

Statistically speaking, there is a probability of 37.3% of the Admiralty ordering that our personal correspondence be monitored. However, I do believe most members who survived the purge would not use that information in an attempt to kill you again.

I'm not entirely certain what could have led to the return of your recurring nightmare. It could be a number of things including the fact that we will be resuming normal missions very soon. You will be leading the delegation to negotiate a treaty with the Federation in 5.2 days' time. Maybe this assignment is causing you apprehension? You did almost die of anaphylaxis the first time you participated in treaty negotiations. I do not believe that will be an issue. This time because we will be providing all food per the agreement. Dr. McCoy will also be scanning all food prior to the diplomatic reception.

I too believe that Dr. Margarita Cruz is well-suited and a better psychologist than her predecessor. If the nightmares persist, I do want you to talk to her about this issue.

If gossip persists, please provide me with the names of these individuals so I can refer them to HR to take the appropriate training class.

Dear Spock:

Okay, so I'm writing you a quick response while you're in the shower. Thanks to the schedule you created after the neighbor walking in on us during the bathroom sex incident, I know I have 15 minutes to reply.

Love you for threatening to send everybody who is talking smack about me to HR, but that wouldn't be right. However, I will email you a list of the people who are talking bad about my goddaughter and baby Demora. I was thinking about doing it myself, but it's more powerful when you do it. It's one of the perks of being a Captain Spock bear. Enjoy it.

I so should've known that you were actually going to follow that rule about captains not doing most away missions. That makes total sense. You love your rules. They make you happy and actually doing something other than paperwork makes me happy even if it is a negotiation. Also away missions were my favorite part of being a Captain which is why I did more than I probably should have. So, I'm glad that I'm still doing that part of the job.

I'm confident that the Admiralty will not try to kill me again during a negotiation with something from the strawberry family, despite the code "chocolate sprinkles" we are dealing with. No one would be stupid enough to try that again. Okay, at least I hope that all the admirals that survived the purge would not be that stupid again. Moments like these make me miss Chris. It also makes me sad we have Rodriguez instead of Mrs. Admiral Pike. Of course, Chen had to avoid the appearances of favoritism.

If the dream happens again, I promise I will bring it up in therapy. Yes, I've been making my sessions. They usually line up with your extra lab time. Maybe you can spend a little more time after hours with me instead of barging into Carol's lab because she might kill you. I would just like to say I love you too much to be a widow.

To be continued