A man's addictions are dangerous but always optional, in short MADAO
Gintoki awoke with a JUMP magazine on his face, the pages fluttering with his breath. There was a loud racket thundering all around him, the sound of huge paws thudding across the wooden floor and the giggling of a young girl chasing after. The shouts of a worried megane pierced the air.
"Kagura! Please!"
"Sadaharu~, put that down!" Kagura laughed and it was clear that she didn't care about whatever Sadaharu was carrying. "Down! Bad boy! I'll catch you, eheheh~"
"OOII, KAGURA!" Shinpachi screeched in dismay. "Be serious!" He lowered his voice quickly to a stage whisper, the sounds of his light footsteps skidding after the chaotic duo. "If Gin-san finds out, he'll be mad!"
With this, Gintoki stirred regretfully. He wafted away the lethargy in his limbs with a stretch and sat up slowly, allowing the fuzzy world to settle into place before his eyes. It was not a very organised view. The table where he conducted his (lack of) work was on its back. JUMP magazines were strewn everywhere and even Gintoki's spare yukata were distributed across the room.
JUMP, safe. Ketsuno Ana's figurine and poster, safe. Secret stash of cash, safe. Now, what are those kids yelling about this time?
The footsteps drew closer and Sadaharu bounded through, as in directly through, the no-longer-closed-or-even-existing door. What are these idiots doing, eh? Are they taking up interior design? Gin-san doesn't like this abstract new door. It has a hole in, oi. Is it supposed to be modern? Western design?
It was then that he noticed what was in Sadaharu's mouth, just as it enclosed around his face.
"WAHH! GIN-SAN!" Shinpachi struggled to remove the beast's jaws from where they were clamped around the yorozuya master's head. Gintoki squirmed, complaining about something to do with bad breath in a muffled scream.
"Sadaharu, don't eat that. Your fur will go all curly." Kagura chided and the dog immediately let go, tail wagging. Shinpachi lent a hand in clearing the saliva (and blood) from Gintoki's face.
"What a disgusting bastard." He stood and ruffled his hands through his hair. "Now. Give me that, Sadaharu."
The dog glanced at him, huffing excitedly so that Gintoki scrunched up his nose to avoid the stench.
"Jesus, Kagura. What do you feed this animal?"
"Strawberry mi-"
"UAH!" Shinpachi flailed to cover Kagura's mouth before she uttered the dreaded truth. There was no need, however, as Gintoki's concentration had been diverted to the saliva painted object which had dropped out of the dog's mouth.
"Ahh, so you do have it." Gintoki picked the scarf up gingerly between two fingers, running his eyes up and down the red material in search for any new tears or pulls.
"Sorry, Gin-san. I moved it whilst cleaning and Sadaharu got hold of it."
"What are you apologising for, Pattsan? It's only a scarf." Gintoki rolled it around his fist into a ball, kicking the table on the floor back onto all four legs with one foot so he could lay the material down.
"Well, it seemed important to you. You wouldn't let me wash it and you kept it in your room."
"That's because Hijikata left it once when he came. There's no way I'm returning it all clean and fresh smelling like some high school girl with a crush."
"Ah, really? I guess we'll definitely have to wash it now."
"No, actually. This is perfect." The silver-haired man let a small smile lift his lips.
He picked up the scarf once more and left, the smile fading slightly. He felt disappointed. He didn't want to return the scarf. Whatever control he felt from owning the piece of material would vanish, along with that enticing smell.
Shit, what am I admitting to here? Am I some 40 year old virgin? Sure, the damn scarf smells nice. I don't even smoke, but somehow... shit. What am I doing?
A sigh of dissatisfaction slipped through his lips as he descended the steps outside the yorozuya shop. His brain had been really strange lately. Well, it had always been but this was different. One certain demon commander would not leave his mind. Initially, he had blamed the idea of teasing the idiot as being too tempting to pass up on, but more and more his feet were finding themselves outside the barracks without really thinking. Even when he was down. Especially when he was down. Which was occurring more and more frequently.
There was a cloud hanging over him that wouldn't slip away, a sense of self dissatisfaction that wouldn't fade, a crying wolf that wouldn't be silenced. He wondered if he was depressed. He had been depressed before, for sure, but there was always an underlying cause. This time, he just couldn't seem to pinpoint a reason. In the past, that incident had haunted him day and night with a pain that never seemed to lift. It was only when he'd met Kagura and Shinpachi that he'd been able to forget about -
Shit. That was another face that wouldn't stop haunting him. It was a face whom had never really disappeared, always lingering like a dark fog just behind his vision. The one person he had sworn to protect, even throwing himself into an entire war to do so. The person who had granted himself a tiny glimpse at what he imagined a family would feel like. And then he had killed him with his own hands.
Jesus. This wasn't like him.
Gintoki felt like he was slipping further into himself, drowning in his own thoughts, pulled down by vicious, relentless fists with nothing to hold him up, the dense water of torturous memories a great unmoving pressure above him and the deep expanse of uneasy nothingness below.
"I can't go back like this." He decided, changing direction suddenly in the street so that he was no longer heading for the barracks. He glanced at the scarf in his hand for a moment and sighed. He wasn't even in the mood to tease the vice-commander any more. And, there was no way he could return to those two when his thoughts were this dark. They deserved smiles and constant laughter. He wouldn't show them this side of a battered and lost samurai soul.
…
"Danna has changed direction. It doesn't seem like he's going to return your scarf." Yamazaki removed the binoculars from his eyes, revealing two black rings. Sougo's doing, no doubt, since they originally belonged to Hijikata.
"Bastard. Since when did he have that anyway? Doesn't he have any decency?" Hijikata furiously lit up another cigarette and took a deep, long drag to calm himself. Yamazaki peeked through the binoculars once more from the building just down the street from the yorozuya's shop that they were now using to spy on the possible Joui affiliate. He paused the pen in his hand and pursed his lips.
"It might just be me but … don't you think danna's acting strange?"
"Strange how?" Hijikata squinted down the street but the guy was too far away now to see anything more than a head of silver hair bobbing. "Gimme." He snatched the binoculars, forgetting about the line of black polish across the rim of the eye piece.
"Well, it's just how he walks … like, he's usually so casual-"
"- Lazy."
"- and he talks to people-"
"- Flirts with women."
"- and then he just always seems happy."
"Annoying." Hijikata grunted, but his words halted in his throat. Their target had been walking, scarf in hand in the direction of the Shinsengumi barracks, however seconds ago he had turned on his heel to head back the way he came. Yet it soon became clear that he wasn't returning to the shop. Now that he was looking through a magnified lens, Hijikata could see the expression on Gintoki's face up close.
One which he couldn't take his eyes off.
It was so completely different from this morning. His shoulders hung loosely, footsteps shuffled with no real sense of intent in their direction and his eyes were downcast. They swirled with a deep hue and didn't really seem to focus on anything. He was clearly in deep, deep thought. For a second, Hijikata wondered if this was the core of the man he was missing, the bit he didn't know about. The man he was when there were no kids to care for and no eyes watching him. Something sank in the pit of Hijikata's stomach. There was something there. Something that Gintoki didn't want anybody to see crawling behind the façade of your less than average idiot.
"We're going to lose sight of him. Shall we tail him, sir?"
"Obviously. Let's go."
Which was the intention. However, once they had left the building and headed after Gintoki, the man was nowhere to be found.
…
Gintoki returned later that evening, the sun melting over the horizon casting distorted and faded shadows on the floor of the yorozuya apartment. The scarf was still wrapped between his fingertips lazily as he slipped off his boots and shuffled into the main room where Kagura was sat on her own plaiting Sadaharu's fur. Gintoki relaxed his expression.
"Oh, you're back, Gin-chan."
"Yeah. Where's Shinpachi?"
"Just left. He did wait for you but said something about boss lady making a start on dinner if he didn't get back soon." Gintoki shivered at the thought. He threw the scarf onto his desk to deal with another day and passed where Kagura was perched on the floor to head to his room. As he did so, Kagura sniffed lightly and wrinkled her nose. Her hand reached out to grab Gintoki's ankles to stop him. He looked down at her, surprised.
"You smell like tobacco."
"Yeah, I came across that demon commander while I was out. He reeked of it." Kagura sniffed again and shot him a stern glare.
"Liar. You still have the scarf." She stood up and straightened her spine to try and reach his eye level, a small pout appearing on her lips. Gintoki watched her carefully, wondering where to go next.
"Decided it would be more fun to hold onto it for a while." He shrugged, attempting once more to escape into his room. Nose like a bloodhound, damn it. Kagura wouldn't let him past with a grip of steel. She lent into his collar and sniffed once more, her face even more upset when she leaned back.
"Liar." Her eyes were filled with hurt and she quickly turned to leave the room, gesturing Sadaharu to follow.
"Oi, Kagu-" SLAM.
"Ahh, jeez." Gintoki scratched his head, beginning to pace backwards and forwards. After a few moments painful deliberation, he decided to go out after her. It was getting dark.
Street lights began to flicker on, bringing sudden bursts of white light into darkened alleyways, shadows stretching across the street like bony fingers. Gintoki called out Kagura's name once or twice, but he didn't expect her to reply anyway. He was sure that she wasn't in the least phased by him having one or two cigarettes, it was the fact that he'd tried to cover it up with his nonsense lies. He felt stupid for considering even for a second that she wouldn't notice. She wasn't exactly human, after all. Even by Yato standards, she was an odd one. He wondered if she had gone to Otae's and if he'd be getting an earful from that gorilla woman the next morning. The thought made the bones in his knees clack against each other. What a scary woman.
"Ah, he's there!" A voice far down the street exclaimed and Gintoki raised his eyes for a moment, almost expecting Kagura to be stood there shaking her head in disapproval.
"Yorozuya!" His eyes shot over to the source of the noise. A familiar head of dark hair half-jogged over to him.
"What do you want? Jesus, seeing you this many times in a day. My luck really is shit."
"Rude!"
"Commander," Yamazaki caught up and whispered loudly. "We can't tell him we were tailing him!"
"SHUSH, IDIOT! Did you swap your brain with anpan?"
"Well, anyway. I don't care what you tax stealing stalkers do with your spare time but I'm busy. Have you seen Kagura?"
"Your kid? You lost her?" Hijikata's tone instantly changed to one of curiosity. Gintoki's hand was in his hair again. Hijikata noticed that his usually messy hair was even more bush-like, like he'd ran his hands through it over and over. Maybe this was serious. He remembered the man's downcast mannerisms from earlier in the day and wondered if they had fought.
"If you've not seen her then it doesn't matter. Anyway, unlike some, I have work to do."
"Wait. Has something happened?"
"Nothing of importance." Once again, the samurai slipped away into the darkness.
"He's a mysterious fellow, danna." Yamazaki hummed.
"Hn."
…
Gintoki ventured home at around midnight having not seen a glimpse of Kagura. He didn't dare go over to Otae's but upon returning home, the message on the answering machine at least confirmed his suspicions.
"YOU WORTHLESS MAN, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO SWEET KAGURA? I'LL TEAR YOUR LIMBS OFF AND STICK THEM UP YOUR -" Gintoki winced and silenced the device. He stared silently at his empty apartment, a sense of loneliness overwhelming him in the echoing room. With a sigh, he heeded to the calls of the shower and spent a good half hour cleansing himself of the smell of cigarettes. The stench didn't seem to go. He let the hot water of the shower run past his lips, before spitting it down the drain. The craving he'd had turned out not to be one to smoke, as even when he had indulged himself through a whole packet he didn't feel satisfied in the least. He had realised that what he needed wasn't to smoke, but that didn't help solve the issue of what he did need.
The next morning, Kagura still hadn't returned and the only visitor Gintoki had was a disgruntled Shinpachi, who, by the look of his face, knew exactly what had happened.
"I don't know what's wrong with you but lying to Kagura won't solve anything." He said, avoiding eye contact as much as possible as he hurriedly completed the chores and picked up the sheet on Gintoki's table for information of their next job. "Me and Kagura can finish that painting job by ourselves. Take the day off to sort yourself out, Gin-san." Shinpachi felt his stomach twist when he didn't receive a usual sarcastic response from the perm-headed man. Instead, there was just pensive silence as he stared across the room. Shinpachi noticed the heavy black marks beneath Gin's eyes and the slouch in his posture. He considered yielding from his angry exterior to ask what was wrong, but decided against it. The way Gin was at the moment, he doubted he'd get an honest response.
Though really, Shinpachi wondered if he had ever received a straight, honest response from Sakata Gintoki.
…
"Heard you've been tailing the Yorozuya's danna, Hijikata-san." Okita Sougo said between mouthfuls, reaching over to grab the dish of wasabi from across the table.
"He was there that night the Joui attacked the government official. The one you let slip away because you were too busy firing at me."
"I figured he was on our side since you let him past so easily." Hijikata spluttered on his mayonnaise and pointed an accusing chopstick at the brat. Before they could launch into their usual bout of insults, Kondo Isao lowered his tray onto the table beside Sougo, opposite Hijikata and threw the company a wide beam.
"Good work today Sougo, Tosshi."
"Back from stalking the ape woman?"
"I was making sure she was eating properly."
"And once you finished watching her eat did you enjoy stalking her?" Okita was relentless with his mocking.
"I wasn't stalking her! Anyway, the yorozuya were there so I was kicked out by the girl with the buns."
"Yorozuya?" Hijikata frowned, having seen the man walking the streets just hours before midnight on his own.
"Well, Sakata-san wasn't there. It seems he's a sore topic at the moment though. The girl kicked me out when I asked where he was."
"Hmm?" Okita seemed curious, though this was likely as he was storing the information for sadistic purposes, Hijikata thought.
"Well, it's not unlikely that he made some crude joke that upset the girl." Kondou shrugged, settling into his breakfast. Hijikata allowed himself a few more seconds deliberation on the issue, wondering if the expression he had seen on the silver samurai's face could actually be that simple. A family dispute? Eventually, he cast the thought out of his mind and took a bite out of his morning meal.
A meal that was covered in wasabi, as it turned out.
"SOOUUUGOOOO-!"
…
Gintoki found himself inside the Shinsengumi barracks once more, uninvited. Yes, he probably had a death wish because if the vice commander found out, he'd be sliced up into more pieces than there were bones in his body. But then again, if you were talking relaxation, then Gintoki found nothing better than teasing a certain dark haired demon until the guy turned blue in the face. It was becoming a hobby.
As such, he was outside said commander's room before he knew it, feet on autopilot until they took him to where he knew he'd end up. Taking a moment to listen to the morning breeze whistle through the open sliding door, Gintoki felt rather than saw the presence of someone inside. With great stealth, he popped his head around the corner for a peak and then back again before he was seen. Hijikata was in his usual place in the centre of the room, sat at a low desk with books spread across the surface rather than the usual paperwork. Gintoki shifted so he could see around the door without being at risk of the demon's eyes landing on him. It seemed like he was reading old Shinsengumi reports, along with newspapers and a few handwritten scrolls of paper. Time slid by and he could no longer move, fixed to the spot, fully amused by simply watching the commander work. The way he chewed on his lip when he was in deep thought, squinting at pages as though they were written in a foreign language with a lowered brow. Even how he turned the pages with difficulty, struggling to flick through the books and the grunts he made when he lost the page he was holding. Then the way he shuffled occasionally to bring the blood back into his feet. Whatever he was doing, he was completely fixated on it. He had entered his own world where not even the creak of Gintoki's feet on the floor as he shifted his weight slightly could penetrate his concentration. Hijikata mumbled words to himself like they would order themselves into something that would make sense to him if only he said them out loud.
"Shiroyasha?" He paused on one particular page. Gintoki started, body jolting involuntarily as his spine tingled at the name. He decided it time to intervene.
"Hijikata-kuuuun~" Gintoki slid the door open, rolling the name on his tongue as the said man rushed to close the books he was reading. "Eh? How suspicious. Is it porn? Don't be stingy, let me see."
"You're disgusting! Why are you here? You're intruding! Get out! Knock before you come in!" A string of complaints flew out of Hijikata's lips as the subject of his studies appeared before him.
"Come in? Get out? Which is it? I came to return this." Gintoki threw the infamous scarf so that it folded itself across the vice-commander's face.
"It reeks!" He cursed, rubbing his face in horror.
"Sadaharu liked the look of it." By this time, Gintoki had stalked his way behind Hijikata, which did not please the latter in the least. He span round and glared up at the man, meeting his mocking irises with his own. "What are you working so hard on, Vice-Commander?"
"Your suspicious past." He replied so bluntly that Gintoki actually lost his impartial demeanour for a second. Just for a second though.
"Want Gin-san to tell you?"
"No. If you do that, I'll somehow feel like I have lost." As Hijikata span round to his work again with a sigh, Gintoki slid down next to him and watched him flick through different sources. They could feel warmth radiating within the small space between each of their shoulders, touching them lightly. "Heard you upset the China girl?" Hijikata said; Gintoki's figure next to him tensed.
"Might have."
"What d'you do?"
"Tried to get rid of a feeling I couldn't understand."
"Huh? Don't talk in riddles."
"Gin-san's being serious." As he said this, he raised one hand and Hijikata immediately watched his movements carefully. He let out a surprised grunt as the hand slipped under his jacket, rifling around in one of his pockets.
"Hell d'ya think you're doing, bastard?" Hijikata didn't move to stop him as Gintoki removed his pack of cigarettes and a lighter. The yorozuya sat the two objects in front of him and flicked open both lids, removing one cigarette and lifting the lighter into his other hand. Hijikata eyed him, curiosity tapping at his nerves. The familiar smell of smoke curled into his nose as the man lit and softly sucked on the end of a cigarette as though he was tasting something sweet.
"Didn't know you smoked?"
"I don't."
They sat there in silence as the man blew out clouds of whirling chemicals which enticed Hijikata to light up one of his own. He restrained, purely because he was more interested in observing the strange species beside him for the moment. Eventually, Gintoki cursed under his breath and crushed the butt into an ash tray. He coughed and curled his lip in disgust.
"These won't do it either." He muttered, irritated.
"You some kind of recovering drug addict?"
"Not quite. I'm trying to figure out why I can't get the smell of tobacco out of my little brain."
As slow as the sun settled behind a cloud and cast the room into a dull light, Hijikata turned his head to meet Gintoki's hard gaze. He was captured by the red eyes in front of him and found that he couldn't look away. No. It wasn't that he couldn't, he didn't want to. And for every second he spent lost in those eyes like a rabbit in front of headlights, he was less and less able to move as though he had melted into the floor. The man was inches away from his nose, returning his stare with mysterious, undulating eyes. Hijikata's lips parted to taste the smoke in the air between them. It was strange to be able to smell it from someone else, rather than himself. It wasn't pure. It tasted second-hand, mingled with Gintoki's own scent which was distinctly musky. Earthy. The distance between them felt like it was getting smaller, but never small enough.
It was Gintoki that first broke the stare, looking away with an tinge of rose brushing his cheeks - something Hijikata had never seen before.
"You should stop it with that face." He stumbled over his words, drawing away to scratch the back of his neck. He stood up and refused to meet Hijikata's confused, watchful eyes. "You're more seductive than you think."
This shattered Hijikata's brain in an instant and the capacity to think evaded him. But of course, the bastard played the comment off like water across his back, casting a few half-hearted insults over his shoulder as he stumbled for the door as casually as possible. He disappeared with a quick, 'don't let the tax payers bite' and Hijikata could only watch him go.
He definitely didn't miss the nervous sheen of sweat that had coated Gintoki's forehead. Nor his exaggerated laughter.
Hijikata leaned forwards and softly tapped his head against the table again and again and again ….
Damn yorozuya.
AN-
Hope you're enjoying this if you are reading! I wrote this in a very different way compared to everything else I've ever written - I had no plot or idea. I just wrote the entire thing and went with it. Later on, a plot kind of works its way in and weaves its way between the lines but for now, its just spontaneity. Which is fun.
Until next chapter!