When Life Gives You Lemons, Make a Beyonce Album

These shapes … they were foreign to Hijikata. His fingers followed them on the page but the more he squinted, the less they made sense to him.

"Gold," Tamegoro held his finger steady at one of the squiggles. "This means gold." He tilted his head to Hijikata, trying to gauge if he understood. Little lip protruding slightly, Hijikata shuffled on his knees to get more comfortable in front of the paper.

"I've seen this before." Hijikata traced the lines carefully.

"It's used a lot." Tamegoro reached for a brush and began scribing other jumbles of lines on the page. He pointed to each in turn. "With this, it's money. With this one, it's metal."

"Then what's that?"

"That shows it's a colour. Gold colour. Here, try copying." Tamegoro handed him the brush and tried to stop smiling when Hijikata's face contorted in pure concentration. The lines were sloppy and written in entirely the wrong order, but it was a start. "Like this," he said, showing him again. They filled the entire page with two sets of the same kanji – one set neatly inscribed, the other a messy imitation. Still, Hijikata appeared confused.

"I thought I'd seen it before … but it's different." He persevered copying, as though the answer would become clearer with his handwriting. He was always such an earnest, hard-working kid.

"Where have you seen it?"

"Hmm... that new building in town."

"Ahh," Tamegoro tilted his head as he recalled. "That's this, right?" With a few flicks of a brush, a new kanji appeared on the page and Hijikata's face brightened.

"That one!" He nodded.

"The bank." Tamegoro explained, writing the hiragana beneath so that Hijikata could see.

"What's a bank?"

"Something the new government is bringing in. It's to do with economics, uhh, money."

"Then why is it not this kanji," Hijikata pointed to gold. "What makes it different? If it's to do with money ..."

"For this, we use silver." Another kanji was re-drawn, similar to the first but narrower and with the addition of more squiggles.

"Silver?"

"Yes. So this is gold." Tamegoro added a character. "When you add this, it's money." On a new line, he scribbled the new kanji. "This is silver, similar to the first one." He added one more piece. "And with this, silver becomes bank." Hijikata's expression became blank.

"... I don't like this." He pouted. "Why do we need to know these?" Tamegoro let out a hearty laugh, ruffling Hijikata's hair fondly.

"Who knows. But I think gold is a nice kanji. It looks elegant – symmetrical." No matter how much he looked, Hijikata couldn't see it. He flicked his eyes between the characters again.

"I prefer silver." He said. "It's more fun to write."

Hijikata opened his eyes and blinked steadily. Why had he recalled that all of a sudden? Something so long ago that he had believed it forgotten … times with Tamegoro that he held so precious … His mind worked in strange ways.

The pain that swelled in his forehead convinced him that his pleasant dream had been a desperate attempt to take his mind off the unbearable throbbing in his brain. It felt like someone was smashing his skull from the inside. His heart raced into life as he sat up and analysed his situation. Gintoki wasn't there – that was the first thing that came to mind. He was alone and in a cell. It was a proper cell this time, not some back room re-decorated for use. Across from him were the impenetrable metal bars of other cell mates which, as far as he could see, each had someone inside. He recognised one of the faces immediately, the face of the governor Okita's squad had protected a few weeks previously. He hadn't even known the man had gone missing, yet here he was.

"Tanaka-san," he said, sitting up. His whole body was sore from sleeping on a frozen concrete floor, so it was a struggle to pull his legs under him.

"Who...? Are you the vice-commander?" the man replied. He was two cells down on the opposite side. The cells were narrow enough to be able to touch with both hands, and deep enough for Hijikata to be able to see the back of at least five other cells.

"How did you get in here?"

"Your stupid bunch of apes were supposed to be guarding me. I hope you take responsibility for this farce. Get me out of here." Hijikata laughed from his belly.

"Does it look like I'm in any position to be playing rescue with you, princess? Where's the man with silver hair?"

"Who?"

"When I came in here, was there someone else too?"

"No, there wasn't." The official frowned. Hijikata cursed, but he had expected that. However, he didn't know Takasugi enough to predict his next move. Would he kill Gintoki? He was on his own now – things had become so fucked up. But, despite all that, he had to concentrate and switch on his soldier side. Ignore Gintoki for now, plan. Gather information.

"Tell me everything." Hijikata ordered.

"What's there to tell, you fool? Can't you see from your situation? We're all going to be executed. That bastard is trying to destroy the shogunate. Look around – everyone in here is connected to the shogunate." Indeed, it seemed that these cells were filled with joui enemies, including himself. He stretched his legs in front of him and let his joints click. He had to find a way out of there, that was his first priority. Surely, Gintoki would be thinking along similar lines wherever he was.

So first, he observed. Metal bars, definitely no way out of these. They were well designed – floor to ceiling, narrow and strong. He'd been in cells before where a good kick could dislodge a pipe or two, and an even better one would break the flimsy padlock. Nothing of the sort was going to be happening here. He tested them, wriggling each bar with a few tugs but they barely moved. The inside of the cell had not a vent, a socket or a crack – smooth concrete on all sides. A few taps and he knew it was solid. Why the hell would a ship need a prison? Especially one as well-made as this? Takasugi had teamed up with the harusame and Hijikata briefly wondered if this was their ship, but betted on it belonging to the terrorist instead. He was far more likely than a bunch of space pirates to have such a high quality ship.

He concluded that he had to get allowed out of the cell in order to do anything. It was likely that the end of the cell had another locked door, so even if he got out, he'd need to pass through that. Some ships even had electric passes to open any door. He needed to figure out what they were using – old fashioned keys or a smart pass. Possibly, even fingerprinting or the like. If it was a simple pass or key, he could obtain one from one of the guards. But what then? He's out in the ship. They'll realise soon enough and he'll be on CCTV from the very moment he steps out of his cell. Where were the blind spots of a ship? And even then, he'd have to stage a feud on the whole crew … he couldn't fly ships either. Then, would he have to wait until they landed? That could easily be too late.

He sighed into his hands. Things had gotten complicated and dangerous. On top of that … Gintoki, was he safe?

"Sakamoto," Takasugi drawled into the microphone as the face of said person popped up onto the vast screen before him. "When you said there was a good trade I'd want to get a hand in, I had higher expectations."

"Ha ha ha, what's wrong? D'ya not like the vice-commander?"

"The vice-commander fills my collection quite nicely, but it seems I've picked up some trash along the way."

"Ha ha ha ha ha."

"And may I ask … what were your ships doing near mine during the change over?"

"Ah, so you spotted me. Woopsy. I was just observin'."

"By any chance, you weren't trying to interfere, were you?"

"I wouldn'ta told ya about that trade deal if I were goin' to stop it. No, I wasn't interested in yer fleet."

"Adachi's?"

"Yup." Sakamoto laughed so hard his glasses fell down his nose and he floundered to correct them. Takasugi didn't really know why he was laughing, but then he usually didn't.

"What would you want with Adachi?"

"I'm sure you've noticed anyway. I'm thinkin' of expanding my fleet a little more and Adachi seems to be storing a bunch'a people on board I could use. I sent him a reasonable offer, but he refused it."

"If you're talking about the human trafficking operation he's running then of course he isn't going to sell you his products. I'm surprised he hasn't come after your head for asking."

"Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Well, enough about that. What are you doing with those two?"

"I haven't decided what I'm doing with that idiot yet. I'll probably just drop him off on some planet. How the hell did he get involved with the shinsengumi, of all people? And Adachi, too? Really, the shiroyasha has changed."

"You know he's always been one to attract people." Sakamoto shrugged and just behind him, Mutsu appeared in the shot. She whispered something in his ear.

"Hmph." Takasugi prepared to close the connection, but Sakamoto stopped him.

"I didn't get you involved in this just for yer own benefit." He cocked his head and grinned. Takasugi's finger hovered over the 'end' button and he began to frown.

"I figured so. But what's stopping me from hanging up now?"

"Because ya know that my offers are usually pretty good."

"... That's debatable," he said, but he could already feel the buzz in his fingertips telling him this would be interesting. In fact, from the moment Sakamoto had gotten in contact with him several weeks ago, he had known that he was getting into something big. He wouldn't have played along if that wasn't the case.

"Well," Sakamoto beckoned Mutsu and muttered something back to her. After a brief discussion, she disappeared and Sakamoto returned his attention to Takasugi. "Help me liberate the slaves on Adachi's fleet and stop the human trafficking. If ya do, I'll give ya Adachi." He offered his hand towards the monitor as Takasugi broke into laughter.

"You know far too much," he shook his head in disbelief. "How did you know I was after him?"

"You're tied, ain't ya?"

"If I destroyed Adachi's fleet, then my connection with harusame would sour. I've been trying to take him down covertly until now."

"Uh-huh. But if you work under my name, then the problem's solved, right?"

"I can't see why you needed me to capture those two."

"Ah, those fools," Sakamoto giggled, "I needed teh watch one of the transactions happenin'."

"And...?"

"You see straight through me," he bared his teeth happily, "If you collaborate with me, my condition is that you set those two free."

"And how does that benefit you?"

"Kintoki asked me a favour," he replied nonchalantly. "And if the lost souls on Adachi's fleet don't have anywhere to return to, they can join my men."

"Is this just a massive recruitment operation?" Takasugi snorted.

"Maybe. Well, whaddya say?"

The room spun quickly to the left and Gintoki jolted with it. His tied hands restricted him from falling over. The temperature in his body dived downwards into icy domains and a shiver began to rattle his bones to the point where he was making himself feel seasick. He felt his head roll right this time and bile swirled in his stomach and was suddenly racing upwards for relief. He threw up all over the floor and a lot splashed back onto his clothes. Temporarily, the sickness was gone, but then it returned just as strong as before and he was reeling again. He knew what this was. The burning in his hand told him it was infected. It was pulsating like it had its own heartbeat and ached enough to make it unbearable. Again, his head swirled in circles. He was choking up no more than water now and it burned. It hurt, scratched, stung inside. He couldn't keep his head lifted to look at the person who had just entered the room. When he heard the voice, he didn't need to.

"I'm shocked," Takasugi said. The shadow of his feet appeared before Gintoki. "The old you wouldn't have gotten into this mess."

"Ta... sugi … bas-...tard." Gintoki hissed, trying not to groan as his stomach heaved again. "Where's … Hijikata?"

"I wouldn't worry. I came to you with a proposition. Well, most of this was Sakamoto's idea. However … I don't think you're in any state to be fighting with us as planned. What is it, blood loss?" Gintoki couldn't answer. He started panting to catch his breath which escaped through his mouth as hot as steam. As cold as he was, his forehead was on fire. "You don't seem to be losing enough blood for that," Takasugi hummed and the sound of his feet tapped away from Gintoki. "Ah, infection?" Takasugi stopped behind him. "So that was it."

"Where's … he?" He demanded through stilted breaths. His stomach flipped again and then he was choking on his own vomit.

"You really won't last long like this ..." Takasugi muttered, exhaling through his nose and walking back round to face Gintoki. He knelt to his level so that Gintoki could make eye contact. "I was going to drop you off on some abandoned planet. You'd survive anyway, like some rotten cockroach. But fortunately for you, Sakamoto has offered me a better deal. For that, you need to toughen up. If you die on this ship, I can't guarantee your friend's safety, you hear?"

"Fuck... you." He grunted. Takasugi chuckled. He stood up and took a breath through his kiseru, the smoke rising like a python towards the ceiling.

"You and Sakamoto have a deal that you will get yourselves caught so that he can observe the change-over of goods. Sakamoto wants to stop the human trafficking, you want to remove yourselves from his target list, correct?" Gintoki could barely hear the words Takasugi was saying. He couldn't concentrate; every word swam through one ear and then tumbled out of the other. "I also want rid of Adachi and since Sakamoto doesn't have the resources to take him down, he needs my men. For various reasons, Adachi has been a pain in the side for me. If I destroy him overtly, other harusame fleets would come after me. So under Sakamoto's name, I'll get rid of him." Another puff of smoke danced in the air. "If I cooperate, I have to release you two."

"Dn..t. - hm... hahh..." Takasugi noticed Gintoki's swaying a moment before he collapsed on the spot, head hanging into his lap and arms strained uncomfortably around the column binding him. Takasugi jolted forward on instinct but immediately regained himself. He tutted, knowing he had likely been talking to himself for the last few minutes because Gintoki wasn't in any state to be listening. His fever was raging so high that even unconscious, he was shivering violently.

He had no choice but to begin discussions with the vice-commander instead, as much as that irritated him.

Sakamoto had been flying the ship for an hour now. He leisurely rolled the craft to the left, avoiding an oncoming meteor, then let the wings settle flat. He heard Shinpachi enter the cockpit and didn't react, continuing to fly onwards with a content sigh. He felt good. He always did when aboard his ship. Saying that, his stomach lurched a little and he swallowed something that had just attempted to erupt.

"Where are you taking us, Sakamoto-san?" Shinpachi eventually spoke up, causing Sakamoto to glance over his shoulder. Letting out a small hum, he swerved the ship around another space obstacle.

"Following the ship that Kintoki's on. Fer now, we're keeping an eye on teh situation."

"... Are they safe?" Despite Sakamoto insisting they stay put for now, Shinpachi couldn't get past the anxiety growing deep in his stomach. He had thought Gintoki had thrown away the side of him that felt he could do everything alone.

"I can't guarantee that. But I can say that they will be. I've promised Kintoki that I'll get all of ya home."

"What's in it for you?"

"Oi oi," Sakamoto laughed. "I know there's a lot going on between us right now, but Takasugi, Kintoki, Zura and I are good friends, ya know?"

"That so called 'good friend' has just bought Gin-san and took him off into space." Shinpachi's tone was drier than the desert, and his body felt just as lifeless right now. He was physically exhausted from worrying. Instead of cheering him up, Sakamoto's laugh only served to worsen his headache.

"Those two have always liked to bicker."

"Bicker?..." His tsukomis wouldn't come to mind. He gave a sigh.

"You look like you've aged fifty years," Sakamoto chuckled loudly. "Lighten up, young man. Thing's'll work out somehow."

"I don't see why all of this had to happen. Why did Adachi target Gin-san? Why-" Mutsu appeared behind them both and interrupted.

"There's nothing that can be gained from titivating like this." She rested a hand on Shinpachi's shoulder to give comfort to him. It was of little help. "Rest up fer now. Yer no good to anyone dog-tired." With one last glance at the universe before him, Shinpachi huffed deeply and turned towards the door. He half-smiled towards Mutsu and she nodded. Once the door had hissed shut behind him, Mutsu barred Sakamoto's vision by standing directly in front of him. He had no choice but to make eye contact.

"That goes for you, too. Yer tired as well. We've got two days till the transaction. Get yer sleep in now: it'll be a long fight." Sakamoto chuckled.

"Yes ma'am."

Things are still swinging, like I'm on a boat crossing tormented seas. I keep lurching, rolling. Where's my balance? I can't hold onto a single thought. Each time I fade back into consciousness, I know that I'm in trouble. Next time I might not wake up. This is bad. Really bad. And then I'm gone again, and so are my thoughts. I'm dreaming emptiness until the ceiling comes back into view.

"You can get fucked." Hijikata growled low in his throat under the shadow Takasugi's figure cast down. Unfazed, the man put the kiseru to his lips once more.

"It's a get out of jail free card." He said, smoke lining his words. "The only one you're going to get. Be smart, vice-commander."

"Get. Fu-"

"For your information, there's nothing you can lose from this. No catch. I set you free if you help me take down Adachi, which I'm sure would also be beneficial to the shinsengumi."

"So would taking your head." Takasugi chuckled lowly. "You're not getting anything out of me. Try it with that ex-terrorist idiot friend of yours."

"He's not in any position to be fighting. To be honest, he's useless to me at the minute." Hijikata felt his stomach become heavier, sinking. He couldn't keep his expression relaxed.

"... Why?"

"Why?" Takasugi cocked his head. "He's that high under fever that he can't keep his eyes open."

"!" Hijikata slammed his hands against the bars. "What have you done to him?! You're sick! You-!"

"I hadn't realised you two were so close." He sneered, but the teasing had evaporated from his smile. "But clearly not close enough to notice the festering wound on his wrist?" An idea sprang to his mind. "Instead of leaving him to rot down there … won't you lend me a hand, vice-commander?"