Chapter 1: Death
It was the hottest day of the summer, or so the weatherman was exclaiming with his fake deep voice, as Lily vaguely heard from across the sitting room. She scrambled through the foyer's wardrobe in a rush, searching for her little black handbag.
"PETUNIA!" she exclaimed, losing the last bits of patience that remained within her. "It's not here…" Lily added with anguish, and her stomach turned as she briefly glanced at the big wooden clock that hung across from where she stood.
Only a moment later, but definitely not soon enough for Lily, her older sister strutted down the stairs, her face a perfect portrait of contempt, framed by long blonde curls.
"That's where I put it," Petunia said simply, her face barely moving as she rolled her eyes at Lily. "Just take another one."
Lily sighed, her left hand gravitating to pinch the bridge of her nose. "It's the only black one I have… and now you've lost it."
Petunia frowned, "Why do you assume I lost it?!"
"Because you were the last one to use it!"
"And I put it in the wardrobe." Her sister's tone was final, accentuated by her lips tightening into a firm line that gave no inch for air to pass through.
But Lily was also not in a pleasant mood today. To be completely frank, she had been in foul spirits for the past few weeks. If she wanted to be extra honest with herself, she could easily pinpoint her emotional turmoil to a very specific afternoon, only a couple of days after she had returned from school. But again, she was not in the mood to reflect, and she definitely had no time for such nonsense.
Somehow, Petunia had misread her silence for defiance. She sighed and turned her face around, barely muttering words that Lily knew would leave a sour taste on her tongue, "Why don't you just do that thing and call for it?"
Lily sighed as well, still feeling frustrated but understanding her sister was trying to be as helpful as she could. "Because I'm not allowed to do it…It's alright, though; I suppose I can borrow one from Mum."
Petunia gave her a shocked look, but Lily moved past her before she could hear the scornful remark that was for sure coming, and swiftly climbed the stairs trying to ease her breathing as she walked towards the dark brown door guarding the room at the end of the hallway. Her right hand hesitated as it lingered on top of the knob. She made a mental image of what would happen once she entered. She needed to be swift.
The room was dark, despite it still being quite sunny outside, but only a few rays managed to pass through the dark green curtains. And the air was so stale, it made her shiver.
Lily held her breath as she took soft steps on the carpet, heading towards the wardrobe, she slid open the mirrored doors, and was relieved to find the item she was looking for hanging right in front of her. But she wasn't so lucky when she slid back the door to close it. Her eyes immediately focused on her own reflection, dread across her face the moment she heard her name.
"Lily?" a soft voice called out, and behind her own reflection Lily's sight shifted towards the bed in the background, where a shadowy figure was moving slowly and reaching towards the lamp.
"It's okay Mum!" She said almost with a shrill, sounding a lot harsher than she intended. "I'm sorry I disturbed you… you can go back to sleep, I was just grabbing something."
Faster than the wind, Lily rushed towards the exit, and swiftly closed the door behind her back. Her breathing was heavy and she could still hear movement inside. Her whole insides were churning, and she felt like she was about to vomit right there and then.
"Get a hold of yourself," she said out loud as her whole body shook. With a heavy heart, she took a step away from the door, heading towards the stairs and hoping to leave the house sooner rather than later.
…….
The silence was absolute. Not even the wind dared to intrude on the solemn occasion, but this only accentuated the heat that engulfed the crowd, all dressed in black and standing outside the little shack near the coastline.
Lily was glancing around, as the other people remained quiet and with their eyes closed, even Marlene who was standing next to her. Her eyes landed on the old and lanky blond man who had spoken a few moments ago, leading a prayer with his hands extended and the palms of his hands upwards, facing the golden afternoon sun. Lily had a hard time not counting the seconds, and she knew that more than a minute had already passed, yet the silence remained and she could feel herself growing restless, her eyes wandering until they landed on a similar lanky and blond figure, but much younger than the man up front.
Remus Lupin's brown eyes were also wide open, and as they met hers, he offered a shy smile that Lily had a hard time returning. She felt ashamed of being caught observing the crowd pray, yet poor Remus still seemed to think no ill of her. What she wanted the most was to run towards him and give him a strong hug, but of course he had been constantly surrounded by others from the moment she arrived.
Lily felt some shuffling next to her, and she noticed Marlene and others began to move and whisper. "We should go find Remus," her friend said as if she could read Lily's thoughts. They held hands, and began to move slowly through the crowd, until they came face to face with a familiar pair.
"Evans, McKinnon."
Tall, imposing, and sharply dressed in a fine dark grey muggle suit, Sirius Black acknowledged their presence with a small bow of his head. Peter Pettigrew stood next to him, but his own suit was not fitting as nicely.
"Black." Lily replied and offered him an awkward smile, not really knowing what to say.
"It's nice that you both came." He said with a stern and distracted look in his eyes. "I'm sure Remus appreciates it."
"Of course we came," Marlene said, sounding almost offended. "Poor Remus, it must be devastating…"
"How is he holding up?" Lily asked, guessing if anyone would know the truth it would be them.
Sirius shrugged, "You know how he is, acting like it's not a big deal…"
"Completely in denial." Peter interjected, gaining a warning side eye glance from his taller friend.
"I don't know if in denial, per se, but he is certainly trying to act tougher." Sirius said. "I'm assuming you want to see him?"
It wasn't really a question, at least not one that was expecting an answer, and Lily soon found herself following her classmates into the wood shack where Remus had retreated too.
As they crossed the entrance, the first thing Lily noticed was how everything was in disarray, there were clothing items on the sofa and the floor, dirty pans that looked like they had been hanging out for a while on the sink. A few other people were inside, all talking hushedly, pity glances being thrown left and right.
And the air was stale, so similar…
Lily felt sick, a sudden urge came at her, and she wanted to run away. But she wasn't going to leave without seeing Remus. Instinctively she grabbed Marlene's hand even tighter, and she also stood closer to Sirius, as he seemed to know the place.
"Must be in his room," he said, reading the anxious look on the girls' faces, and signalling the way.
As they walked through the dimly lit hallway, Lily heard the most horrifying sound. What could only be described as a wail. A heart wrenching wail. Lily's own heart almost stopped. Her head turned immediately, and completely against her will, towards the room that they were approaching on the left side. The door was wide open. The space was lit only by a couple of candles, and the smell of Myrrh consumed her, she was hit by smoke emanating from an incense stick. Her breathing stopped and she felt as if something was constricting her throat as she stared at the vision in front.
An old man, whose face she couldn't see, was slouched over, his trembling torso embracing another. But this one didn't move.
Lily's dilated pupils fully took in the scene, unable to stop herself, her eyes drifting from the man's back and down to where she saw white hands, whiter than snow, and almost translucent. Covered in a beautiful embroidery green dress, the body laid completely still inside a coffin.
The man continued crying, very agitated. His hands caressing the hair and a face that Lily was grateful she couldn't see, as he hovered on top.
"Lily…" she heard a very soft murmur in the distance, almost like it came from a different dimension. And she heard steps coming towards her, and a person almost stumbled onto her as they passed by the door frame. An elderly woman came rushing towards the desperate man, holding him, as he continued to hold onto the lifeless body.
"Lily!" the voice said again, now much closer, and it finally shook her out of her stupor. Marlene was standing in front of her. A panic expression splattered across her round face. "Let's go," she said through gritted teeth. Behind her, Lily noticed Sirius and Peter had also stopped, and were looking at her bewildered.
What had she been thinking?
But she hadn't been thinking, she couldn't recall a single thought since she had stumbled across this very personal moment, the most intimate and vulnerable scene she had ever seen… and then she had just stared. Lily was horrified with herself.
Hastily, she rushed past Marlene who had come to retrieve her, and almost bumped into Peter as he passed by the boys, her mind racing, filled with wild thoughts. She continued walking until she reached the end of the hallway where there was another room, but the door was closed. Lily gazed at it, not knowing what to do next, but luckily Sirius came right next to her and he knocked two times and then opened the door slowly.
Remus was sitting on the bed, looking smaller than she had ever seen him. And James Potter was sitting right beside him, so close to his friend that they could have been mistaken as conjoined twins, if it wasn't for the fact that they looked nothing alike.
Lily felt like she was intruding again on a personal moment, however Sirius turned his face back to her and he threw her a welcoming smile.
"Look who's come to see you Remus," he said in the most tender tone Lily had ever heard, it seemed almost surreal coming from the usually composed and haughty boy. Sirius approached his two friends and put a hand on Remus' shoulder.
Remus lifted his face to look at her and Marlene who was right behind her, and for the second time that day he smiled.
"Lily..." he said as he stood up and went straight to her.
Instinctively Lily extended her arms and embraced him. He felt so cold to her touch, and she felt an urge to hug him tightly until he warmed up. It was incredible to think that they had been friends for almost six years now, ever since he had been partnered with her for an herbology project. Despite his association with his troublemaking friends, Remus had charmed her with his serene nature, his easy going way of looking at things and how he always helped her calm down whenever she was stressed.
When they became prefects together during the last term, Lily had been thrilled, as it meant they could spend countless hours discussing muggle mythology, a favourite topic of theirs. Remus had been raised in both worlds, and thus he had been a huge help for Lily to understand this new society she was thrown into as a child.
"I'm so sorry…" Lily whispered, still holding onto him, and feeling stupid, now that she was with him she didn't know what to say.
They finally parted, and he smiled again, but this time Lily did notice that it did not reach his eyes. "Thank you… thank you for coming." He said, and then turned to Marlene, who also hugged him, "Both of you."
"Of course we came," Lily said.
"And they brought presents, lots of presents, right girls?" Sirius interrupted with a sly smile, causing Lily to look confused at him.
"Merlin's beard, that sounds a bit inappropriate Evans, don't you think?" James added, standing up from the bed, and a smirk hiding in the corner of his lips.
Lily resisted a slight urge to roll her eyes, and decided to play along instead, understanding that the pair were trying to keep the mood light and it did seem to help Remus, who was shaking his head in amusement. "Inappropriate? Well coming from you, Potter, I'll say that's almost a compliment."
"Don't indulge him Lily," Remus said, his eyes almost regaining their usual shine.
The five of them ended up sitting across the floor in Remus' room, and talking a bit about their summer and how the weeks were flying by. Lily found out that Sirius had moved in with the Potters, which she didn't think was strange at all. In fact, it was known throughout the school that the eldest Black son didn't get along with his family. Of course Lily had never asked him much about it, since she didn't have much of a relationship with the boy; they had been housemates for 5 years now, and they could occasionally be friendly with each other, especially if Remus was around, but she just didn't know him that well to feel comfortable asking about his personal life.
The other thing was that the Blacks had a reputation of being highly prejudiced against people like her, which made her squirm a little whenever she thought about it. Yet, Lily was certain that Sirius didn't feel the same; it was true that he could definitely put a strain on her patience sometimes, and that he had an ego bigger than Hogwarts itself, much like Potter. But Lily knew that he would never treat her as less of a person… unlike some people that she had unfortunately regarded very highly in the past.
Time flew by, and the sun became subdued, until there was only a light golden tone that remained, and even if they were having a good time catching up, even if it was nice to see all of these familiar faces from this world where she belonged, Lily's inside still churned when she glanced at the closed door, recalling what she had seen as she came into the house. And in those moments, she would feel a cold darkness overcome her, and she could almost feel the stale air… Lily imagined how that translucent skin would feel to the touch.
Shivers went down her spine.
Her mind was pushing images of another room, one in her own house, and a body laying in that bed, completely still, a face that she knew almost better than her own. At times, Lily thought she might pass out. But then someone would laugh, or call her name, and she would remember again where she was.
Lily also found herself occasionally scrutinising Remus' face, but the boy showed no major sign of anything being wrong. This made her uneasy. How could he pretend that everything was alright? But perhaps that was the only thing holding him together.
"We should go soon…" Marlene said, and Lily nodded, but her heart wasn't in it. The truth was she didn't want to go home, where the problems she would face were completely her own. Where she felt completely alone.
"How did you get here?" James asked as they all stood up from the floor.
"We took the bus." Lily replied, smoothing the new lines on her black dress. James looked confused, but he quickly shook the look off.
"That's silly, you two can come with me. My parents should be outside still and they can apparate you home."
Lily felt the usual need to argue with him, and explain how it wasn't silly at all. But somehow, she lacked the strength to do that, and she thought of the long way home, and her sitting on a bus all dressed up, people looking at her, and then walking on high heels on the cobbled street from the bus stop to her home.
James could probably sense she was considering it, so he pushed. "It would only take a couple of minutes."
Marlene got ahead of her. "That would be very nice James, but are you sure your folks won't mind?"
"Positive! But I can ask them nicely if you insist." He said, dramatically holding a hand up to his heart.
Lily sighed, frustrated with herself, knowing already that she was going to take him up on the offer.
….
Lily soon found herself standing with James and his father underneath a tree near the end of the property, and on the next tree, only a few feet away, was his mother Euphemia Potter accompanied by Sirius and Marlene. They had divided into two groups as they prepared to apparate; and of course, James had insisted he go with his father to drop off Lily; and surprisingly, once again, she did not find the strength to argue with him.
Fleamont Potter had taken off his hat and proceeded to put his whole arm inside of it. Lily smiled at the simple display of magic, it reminded her of the classic muggle stereotype of a magician and she almost expected him to pull out a rabbit out of there. James looked around nervously to make sure no muggles were watching.
Soon the older Potter seemed to find what he was looking for, his expression lighting up as he took out a big burgundy cloak that he swiftly put on top of the muggle attire he was wearing, and from the inside pockets of the cloak he also took out his wand. It was a bit on the longer side, and it looked very rugged with several bumps and scratches.
"So Miss Evans", Fleamont Potter said, "James tells me you're an exceptional witch and that you've consistently managed to even beat him in all classes?" He threw her a mischievous look, while at the same time James proceed to groan and close his eyes in embarrassment, and Lily noticed how similar father and son look despite the big age difference, but before she could answer, Mr. Potter swiftly grabbed James with one hand and her with the other one, that was also holding his wand; Lily felt the coldness of the oak wood brush against her forearm, and moments later she felt the familiar yet still unnerving tug in her stomach as they were thrust into a very warped space loop where it was hard to breathe, almost like she was spinning around underwater, not knowing which way was up or down. It only lasted a couple of seconds.
The familiar sight of her street came into view, lit only by the yellow light from the lamp posts that contrasted with the dark blue background of the cobbled road ahead of them. They were the only people outside.
"Which one is yours?" James asked with clear interest as he took in the line of identical houses.
Lily looked up to the one in the middle of the block. And from there she spotted a figure on one of the windows from the second story. Petunia was looking at them.
"I better go inside," Lily said, her voice coming out more stern than she meant it. She noticed James had a strange look on his eyes, was it concern she saw reflected in his hazel eyes? What could he be worried about?
Lily forced a smile on her face and turned to face his father instead. "Thank you so much Mr. Potter. I truly appreciate this immense favour."
"Oh dear, it's nothing," he said sheepishly, waving a hand around, and pink colour tinting his plump cheeks.
Lily's smile became less forced. "But it is, and I'm grateful. You saved me from a long walk home on heels," she said, glancing down at her black shoes.
"Well I admit that does sound unbearable," Fleamont said jokingly, and then extended his hand out to her, "It's been a pleasure miss Evans, I'm glad I was able to finally meet you, James always talks so fondly of you, and I must admit my curiosity was piqued."
Almost against her will, Lily felt a warmth slowly creep up on her, coming from the pit of her stomach, and her eyes briefly drifted towards James who looked slightly agitated and was intensely looking at the ground as if it was the most fascinating thing ever, or perhaps hoping a hole would open up and swallow him right there and then.
"It's not always…" James murmured sheepishly and his hand instinctively went up to ruffle his own hair.
His embarrassment was not lost on Fleamont, who after shaking Lily's hand and wishing her a good night, retreated a few steps back, his intention to give them a moment not lost on her.
James was still looking at the ground, though, and he looked so out of his element that Lily was also not sure how to act. It was so uncharacteristic for him, she had never seen him like this.
"Walk me to my door?" she asked in a moment of madness, the question came out of her own mouth before she could process what she was doing.
He immediately lifted his gaze, and if Lily didn't know better, she would think she had just slapped him across the face. He looked shocked, but it was only short lived as he then nodded enthusiastically. What was happening? Lily realised he was not the only one acting uncharacteristically that night.
"Sorry about my dad," he mumbled his words, as they started to walk towards her house. "It's not true you know…" his hand again ruffled his already messy hair. "I have mentioned you, yes, but it is not like I'm always talking about you."
"Oh," was all she managed to say, Lily felt like her head was spinning a little bit. "It's alright, I know parents can be a bit overbearing sometimes…" but her words died out as her sight drifted towards the other window on the second story. The one where the light was off.
"Yeah overbearing, that's the word!" he said and chuckled, not noticing how Lily's expression had become cold. "Anyways I wanted to thank you Evans, for coming today. Remus was very happy to see you."
The mention of Remus took her out of her trance and she looked at James again, it was clear by the way he was smiling that it wasn't just Remus who was happy to see her today.
Lily swallowed hard.
She had known for a while that James had a bit of an infatuation with her, but she had convinced herself that it was mostly based on her having rejected him, that it was all sort of a game, just like everything always was with him.
But as they both stood on the brick pathway that led directly to her house, time seemed to stand still as she took in this boy, almost a man now, that was standing in front of her. From where they were positioned, his face was only half lit by the yellow light of the street lamp, and his eyes were currently hidden by the shadows of the night, yet they were so bright, almost sparkling as he looked longingly at her.
And there was something else, she felt this strange energy that was emanating from his body, it was the most curious thing as she had never experienced anything like that before. It felt warm and it made her tingle. Was she imagining things now? It had been a long and exhausting day after all.
But even so, she couldn't deny the tenderness in his expression.
"Lily…" he started to say and then he bit his own lip, hesitation clear. She felt her own heart stopping a beat. "Is it okay if I call you Lily?" His question surprised her a little, but she let him go on.
"I know I haven't been.." he exhaled deeply and a small smirk crept up his lips. "I know I have been a bit of an arse to you before, and I'm sorry… but I don't know, I'm just tired of fighting with you all the time. I think you are actually really nice, clever, funny and…" his voice drifted again as he struggled to finish his sentence. "And you have always been a great friend to Remus, and I don't know, I think maybe… maybe we could also be friends too?"
Lily was pleasantly surprised, she was not expecting that at all. If he had asked her that a year ago, she probably would have laughed in his face and told him to piss off. But a lot of things had happened since last year, and tonight he looked very sincere. And if she was honest with herself, she was also tired. It just seems so out of place nowadays when the world around them was falling apart, with people getting abducted and killed, that it seemed so stupid for them to continue with their little rivalry.
"I would like that" she added and a real smile crept up her face. "'I mean you can't be so bad if Remus likes you too."
He laughed. "My thoughts exactly!"
She playfully slapped his arm "Oh but come on, didn't you just say I was clever and funny…"
He rolled his eyes but he couldn't hide the permanent smile across his features. "Clearly I didn't mention humbleness for a good reason."
"Alright now, I'm going to head in before you say something that makes me change my mind." Lily replied lightheartedly, as she fumbled for her keys inside her little black handbag. And then a small intrusive thought appeared in the back of her mind, telling her that it wasn't her handbag... Lily shook it away, and instead focused on James' broad smile as he moved aside so she could walk to her door.
"Thank you James, and thank your dad again for me" she said and hoped her voice didn't give away the anxiety that was slowly taking hold of her as she realised she now had to go into her house.
He didn't seem to notice as he casually nodded and waved goodbye as he turned around and walked back towards Mr. Potter, who had been pretending to examine the nearby red postbox with great interest.
Lily looked as James reached his father's side, acting bemused at what the old man was doing. They exchanged a few words, then they both waved at her and swiftly disappeared. Lily looked up as the house loomed above her, and she found herself missing James' presence.