Chapter Twenty Five
Watching Dick leave I felt uncomfortable. He turned smiling to me as he zoomed off. Our situation left me wondering what the future held. Jason was missing as my outburst sent him out the door after I left with his bag in hand. Dick told him I would be fine after I calmed down but Jason insisted it was time to move out. Curled up on the couch with Junie I watched as the rain started to drizzle. I have an appointment today with Victor to check on the baby. I can't seem to get myself up to get ready.
My depression kicked in hard and I felt the urge to rot on this couch. With the small alien moving around inside of me, I keep thinking of cancelling it. Obviously they're fine. Is that selfish? I should be happy. I'm bringing a life into this world. Jason is alive again and excited to be a dad. But my heart shatters for Dick. All these years waiting for me to come around to him, and I fuck it all up. Fuck it up to where he is sitting on the sidelines once again. I know where my relationship with him is going.. down the drain.
No way he is going to watch me raise a baby with Jason. Jason, the man's arms I ran into all those years ago in fear of a relationship with Dick. I loved him then, but feared of the closeness. Then got close with someone else on accident. Lead him on. Then when Dick came back into my life, I struggled with the concept of them both. Silently deciding on Jason.. then destroyed by his death. Spending years mourning him until my heart healed enough for Dick. My lust reawaken I tested it out on the Red Hood. Then gave in finally to Dick. Surrendering myself fully. Giving him my everything. Loving him and being loved by him. I'm the toxic one in this relationship. Dick deserves more than me.
What do I do? Sit around and wait for him to end it? Or end it myself? I can't end it myself. I shake that notion away. I guess I'll just have to wait. My phone screen lights up with a text from Victor. "You still coming? Usually you're early." I look at the clock to see my appointment 30 minutes away. I reply cancelling my appointment telling him I have an awful migraine. Which In all honestly wasn't a lie. The migraine started a few days ago when Dick told me about his trip to Jump City. The titans starting again with a fresh group, and Kori leading them. What the hell has occurred since we disbanded to need us back?
Everything had stayed quiet for too long.
With the ending of my conversation with Victor my phone rings with Jason. I'm guessing he got the notice I cancelled. "Hello?" I answer in a grumpy tone.
"Hey, you okay?" He hesitates
"Yup." I say blankly.
"You cancelled your appointment?" He questions.
"Yes I did." I sigh, "I'll reschedule."
"What's going on?" He senses my tone.
"Nothing, I just have a migraine, Jason."
"Migraine or not, something's wrong with you." Shit. My eyes well and I curse them as my voice shakes. Jason knows me well enough to know something's wrong. "I'm fine." I try to hold back the sob.
"I'm on my way." He hangs up. Immediately redialing him. He doesn't answer. Shit. I don't want him here to ruin my pity party. Can I not have a day to be sad? To mourn the life I destroyed? Before I even have time to think my door swings open with Jason.
Wiping my tears I turn to him, "I'm fine Jason." I lie.
"No you're not." He closes the door.
"How did you get here so fast?" I divert the situation.
"I live upstairs." He grumbles, "have you ate today?"
"What?" I turn fast.
"I moved into the penthouse above you." He smiles slyly. "And I plan on putting a staircase on our balcony so we can go back and forth."
I look away thinking of this new situation. "That's actually not a bad idea." I smile slightly.
"Dick thought of the staircase, I just wanted to be close." He admits, "now have you ate?"
"No. But I'm not hungry."
"Okay, what does my child want to eat. Because it's 1 pm and you need to eat." He sighs in a grouchy manner.
"I'll make myself something in a bit." I roll my eyes.
"You can't cook." He points out.
"I think my frozen foods heated up are just fine." I look offended.
"I'll cook." He looks through my fridge and pantry. "We'll add grocery shopping to the list too."
"Jason I'm fine" I try to force back the round of tears.
"Rach. You don't cry." He scolds, "I can count the amount of times I have seen you cry on my fingers."
"Well it's hormones." I grumble.
"If it were hormones you'd given me a reason for your crying by now." He pulls out a pan. "Why are you crying?" I ignore the question and just stare out the window.
Jason continues cooking until my stomach starts to growl from the smell. Sighing I stand up walking to the kitchen. He smirks as I look at the ground hamburger meat covered in tomato sauce. "Spaghetti?" I question.
"Yup." He smiles softly.
"Why are you smiley?" I groan as I sit at the counter.
"You have that 'Run away girl' look on your face" he shakes his head.
"What the hell does that mean." I sit back crossing my arms.
"Like when I met you." He smiles, "that lost girl trying to do anything to get by."
"Well I'm not fucking you this time." I scoff.
"No, not opening that can of worms." He goes wide eyed.
"He's going to leave me, isn't he?" I look down to my hands.
"No." He laughs. "Rachel, that man loves you more than anything. He searched for you while you went MIA, non stop. The minute I got you out of the manor and he pulled up.." he stops sighing, "he almost cried thinking we had found you. Bruce said he was so all over the place and asked why it couldn't have been you. Bruce felt so fucking guilty for lying to him."
"That was before I fucked you again. And got pregnant." I cross my arms.
"He's already forgiven you for it." He sits a plate in front of me.
"He's so angry Jason" I feel my tears about to well over again.
"Not angry. Scared." He runs the kitchen sink of soapy water.
"Scared?" I scoff, "Dick isn't scared of anything."
"He's scared of losing you again." He sighs, "he told me about the jump. He told me how the bond snapped briefly. Along with you drowning."
"How do you know all of this?" I'm angry as I shove my fork into the pasta.
"Believe it or not, we do talk." He scoffs.
"He deserves better than me." I eat at the spaghetti.
"Yeah, he does." He looks to me over his shoulder as he washes the pot. "But love is love, and he loves you."
"You're an ass." I finish the spaghetti.
"I know." He smirks turning to take the plate.
"You still talking to that girl?" I raise my brow.
"Yeah." He nods. "I haven't seen her for a bit though."
"Why?" I stand walking to the fridge.
"Kinda hard to have a relationship and explain you're having a baby with your brothers girlfriend." He dries the dish.
"It is a horrid situation." I sigh grabbing a bottle of water.
"She'll find out sooner or later." He sighs.
"Oh yeah?" I question going to take a drink.
"It's Barbra." He admits.
Spitting out my water I choke. "Babs?"
"Dick knows"
"You guys can't share women like this." I smirk.
"I haven't slept with her yet." He admits, "and I may never. It's hard to find people I can open up to and be myself. You know the most out of everyone."
"So what you've only ever been with me?" I joke sitting back at the counter
"No." He looks sternly. "I've been with other women, even since my death."
"So while I was mourning you, you were screwing other women?"
"Just 1." He smirks, "and then you. You were the best I ever had out of all of the women."
"How?" I joke. "I literally was only ever with 3 now 4 people. And the first 2 was only once."
"Rach, you give amazing head." He blushes. "Even tied up." He smirks. Walking away he bounds to the couch when my stomach feels hollow and a lump hits my throat. Not 4 people.. 5 if you count Slade.
"Is Slade back in Jump?" I blurt out.
"Deathstroke?" He question, turning slightly at me. "Why?"
"They're starting the team again, there has to be a big reason." I admit.
"Yeah." Jason looks away, "Dick said he's causing shit there. That's why Damian was excited to join the team."
"Okay." I say quietly.
"You're getting in your head, snap out of it." He folds his arms, staring at me.
"I'm going to go lay down." I smile softly. "I'm not feeling too well."
"No, you're avoiding something." He admits. "We've talked about Dick and you're feeling better. Now let's talk about Deathstroke."
"I can't." I stand from the chair. "I can't with you. I can't with Leslie after 6 years of seeing her."
"You can." He sighs.
"No." I walk past him, "I just can't." I disappear into my bedroom. Jason doesn't take the no and proceeds to follow me.
"What did he do?" I feel his anger radiate.
"It was a long time ago." I turn to Jason. Softly I put my hand on his cheek, "before you."
"It's part of why you left isn't it?" He radiates pure hate. I feel suddenly uncomfortable. Yes leaving because of Dick was the main reason. But leaving because the memories of Slade had a bonus. I didn't feel as broken with the visions of what he did every time we went past that building.
"It was because of Dick. It was just an added bonus." I sigh.
"Tell me Rach." He softly holds my hand, but I feel his urge to punch a wall.
"Jason, I don't want to go down that path. I don't want to relive it more than I am right now thinking about it."
"He raped you." He almost whispers. I look away, not responding.
"Can I be alone." I look down.
"Nope, get dressed." He grabs clothes out of my dresser.
"What?" I question.
"I have to show you something. It's important." He pleads.
"Fine." I fight the urge to cry. I follow his orders and dress in a pair of jeans and a navy top. I follow him down the elevator and out to the garages. "We're not taking the bike, just a heads up." I scowl.
"Party pooper." He shoots me a crooked smile.
"Wah" I mock at him.
Riding in Dicks car that he has left to me feels wrong as Jason drives. Why was I feeling this way over him driving? It wasn't that big of a deal. I watch as Jason drives down the busy streets until we turn down a block. I see rows of houses, until Jason stops in front of a 10 foot fence.
The fence previews an array of rainbow colored flowers with the artwork of a young woman's side profile. The name on the wood reads Iris. Shutting the car door Jason hops out as I stare at the fence. Opening my door, I look at Jason's face. No smile. No sly look. A sense of sorrow lingers on him. Reaching out his hand he helps me out of the car.
"What is this?" I ask.
"This was the last place Iris was alive." He turns looking at the art as he slams the car door.
"Oh." Is all I saw as I focus on the orange and blue flowers.
"She was raped here." He whispers. I just nod my head. "She tried to overcome what happen, but six months later she took her life in the same place." I go wide eye looking at him in shock. "Her mother built this so the crime tours would stop looking at the abandoned house"
"It's beautiful." I whisper softly.
"Not as beautiful as the inside." He takes my hand into his. Guiding me to the side of the fence he pushes open the door to the lot. I gasp as I see the lot. The flowers splay throughout it. Stepping stones guide us through the garden. Lights hang through the area on poles. A large concrete fountain sets in the middle with coins at the bottom. Birds chirp in the small houses hung high. The place was so beautiful compared to anything else in Gotham.
"Her mother wanted to show others how beautiful your life is even in trauma." He sits on a bench watching me take in the garden. Tears form and I break down in front of him. Jason looks at the ground as my tears pour out of my eyes.
"It was my birthday." I sob.
"When Trigon brought him back?" He questions. I nod folding my arms over my belly, hugging myself.
"I froze time, and woke Dick up to help me." I look at the coins in the fountain. "He separated us. And got me on top of a building. Delivered his message." I choke out through snot and tears, "he tore off my clothes, and yeah." I shuffle awkwardly.
"Dick see it?" He questions.
"No, he caught me after I was thrown from the rooftop." I try to steady my sobs. "But he knew. He saw the ripped clothing."
"I'm so sorry." He whispers.
"Yeah, me too." I wipe my face with the sleeve of my shirt. Jason stands from the bench, walking over to me. Grabbing my arms, he pulls me into his chest. Holding me tight he wraps his arms around me.
"Thank you for telling me." He whispers as he clings to me. His frame is so much bigger than mine. My head hits to the middle of his chest as I lay my swollen cheeks on it. "Wanna go see Leslie?" He asks
"No. I'm okay." I sigh pushing off of him.
"Just remember, that doesn't define you Rach." He smiles taking my hands and squeezing it. I nod as my phone rings in my back pocket. Dicks calling.
"Hello?" I answer sniffling a bit.
"Hey, you okay?" He is immediately concerned
"Yeah, just hormonal." I lie.
"Did your doctor appointment go okay?" He prys.
"No, I cancelled it." I sit on the bench as Jason walks away from me, trying to give me privacy.
"Why?" He almost yells.
"I just didn't want to go, Dick." I look down to my bump. "It's just been a day."
"It's been a day since I've left." He grumbles, "and you can't handle me being gone?"
"I was just throwing myself a pity party on things. I'm okay." I sigh.
"So what, Jason come and make it all better?"
"What?" I'm caught off guard.
"Rae, maybe some space between us is good." He sighs.
"What the hell does that mean?" My heart skips a beat.
"It means I'm irrationally in love with you. But I can't keep coming in second place." His tone is tense. This doesn't even sound like Dick.
"So what, you want to break up?" I roll my eyes.
"Just a break." He sighs.
"Is this because of Slade?" I stand angry.
"No, it's because you're carrying Jason's baby." His tone makes him sound unsure of his words.
"Then that's it." I stand staring across the garden as Jason leans against the wall. "What about I'm yours." I hear his shaky breath.
"You we're his first." He sounds as if he could cry.
"I thought we were past all of this." I feel my tears welling up.
"Yeah me too. But I can't help it." I can hear the strain in his voice. "I'll let you know when I'm back in the area to get my stuff."
"I'll pack it up." I hang up.
Quickly I sit down and stare at my feet, feeling as if everything isn't real. How the hell did this happen? I felt so much better with Jason's words. Felt so safe that Dick wouldn't leave me. Why am I even surprised? I knew this was going to happen. That didn't even sound like Dick at all. He sounded so upset about breaking up with me, like he didn't want to.