Author Note

I hope you enjoy this story! Big thanks for all the reads and reviews so far, and to scarlett2112 and ladymegaera for promoting it! Please check out their stories as they are wonderful writers!

Chapter One: Take a Deep Breath... and Don't Scream

Elena Gilbert

Ping!

Another notification.

It had been two days since the release of her new romance novel and Elena Gilbert's phone was blowing up with social media comments. There was the usual praise: Liam is so dreamy! and Why can't men be like this irl? There was also occasional mild criticism: The dirty talk was a bit cheesy, ngl and For a doctor, Liam wasn't that bright. She didn't care; everyone was entitled to their opinion on the story. Most of the time, the comments were posted publicly, but this time there was a private message – and it was the type that infuriated Elena – the type where they had decided they had the author all figured out from behind a screen.

Elena saw the username before she read the message: User41131514. Probably a bot.

User41131514: You're delusional.

Elena sat upright on her bed, groaning as she read it. Not a bot, but a troll. A very lazy troll that couldn't be bothered to change their username from the one allocated when they signed up. Probably got banned frequently for being an asshole.

She knew she shouldn't reply to trolls. She did this for a living, promoting books as a Social Media Manager at a publishing company, and she would never give trolls a response if she were monitoring online comments and messages for her clients – she would delete them and move on. But this was her own account, not the company's account, and she was self-published (after all, why not? She had the background knowledge needed to promote her books) so she had the freedom to do what she wanted.

Unfortunately, what she wanted was to give this troll a piece of her mind.

No, keep calm and don't take the bait, she told herself. Be the bigger person.

Still, she couldn't resist giving them a dry reply. Her fingers tapped at the keypad of her phone.

ElenaGAuthor: Thanks for buying the book!

Regardless of whether or not they enjoyed it, a sale was a sale.

A reply came through instantaneously. Were they sitting there waiting for her response? Elena clicked on the username, expanding the profile picture – it was a photo of an extremely defined and attractive bare torso, cut from the frame from the neck up. Probably an image stolen from somewhere online, she decided, but it was definitely a male troll. She returned to the reply.

User41131514: It's in the fireplace, keeping my house warm.

ElenaGAuthor: Well, I can't judge you for not being able to afford both books and firewood.

User41131514: I'd rather keep my integrity than have a second income from lying to myself and others.

A second income? How did he...? Elena then suddenly slapped her palm on her forehead, realizing there was both a photo and a short description of herself and her career in the back of her books. What the hell did he mean, she was lying to herself and others? He was acting as though her latest book was called How to Cheat Death, not Take a Deep Breath. No, she would not ask. She would not, she would not, she would not!

ElenaGAuthor: How am I lying to myself and others?

Ergh, why was she even curious to know?!

User41131514: You're writing about things women don't really want. Nothing screams 'Single with a cat' quite like believing that you'd fall head over heels for a guy who deliberately sabotages an elevator so he can get trapped in there with the protagonist for hours trying to win her over.

Elena winced. The guy had touched a nerve. The single part was right, but she did not own a cat. She was, however, looking after an exotic pet that belonged to the mother of her best friend and work colleague, Caroline. Liz was currently backpacking around South America and would be back in a few weeks. Then she'd be single and coming home to an empty apartment again. She had been considering getting a cat afterward, but now this jerk and his preconceived notions of her had put her off the idea.

ElenaGAuthor: A parrot, actually. Called Polly.

User41131514: Polly parrot? Could you be less creative?

ElenaGAuthor: User41131514? Could you be less creative? You hide behind a throwaway account and even have a fake profile picture.

User41131514: You've been checking me out?

ElenaGAuthor: Ha! You wish you had that body!

User41131514: I don't have a fake profile picture or a fake username. My username is my real name.

ElenaGAuthor: Your real name is 'User'? I highly doubt it. Is it a nickname? Does it represent how you use women? Because it sure sounds like you do. Is that why you're upset? Because I'm showing women how a real man should behave, and they're raising their standards?

User41131514: That's a lot of questions. No, that's not my name or my nickname. I don't use women, and I'm not upset. I'm just telling you that you're fooling yourself. No woman wants the kind of things you write about. You're manipulating women into having unrealistic and false expectations of men.

ElenaGAuthor: What you mean is, you can't live up to those expectations. My heart bleeds for you.

User41131514: If that's what women wanted, I could easily match that. But it's not. No woman really wants the tropes you use. Enemies to lovers? Puh-leeze! In real life, a woman wouldn't even give an antagonist a second glance.

ElenaGAuthor: Mansplaining at its finest! Let me guess: you have daddy issues?

User41131514: Writing men in a way that only a woman would write... let me guess: you have an absent daddy?

ElenaGAuthor: Jerk! My parents died! I'm an orphan. I guess there's some things about me that you can't discover in the back of my novels.

User41131514: Shit, I'm sorry, that was insensitive of me. I didn't know. I can't imagine how painful that must have been. I really hope it wasn't too traumatic for you. I'm deeply sorry for your loss and please forgive me for what I said.

Elena's eyebrows lowered suspiciously. Is he being for real? All he's done so far is insult her, and now he's sorry?

ElenaGAuthor: Maybe I don't forgive you.

User41131514: Okay, well, I guess I can cross that one off then.

ElenaGAuthor: Cross what off?

User41131514: The Hurt/Comfort trope. By your logic, after comforting you, you should be putty in my hands by now. I told you your tropes are unrealistic, and I'm going to prove it to you, then maybe you'll believe me.

Elena's mouth hung open. This guy was off his rocker. He had no idea how to be the sort of man she wrote about. A few kind – and likely insincere – words and he expected her to swoon? Everything he said was just to prove a point. He clearly knew nothing about women, and his audacity was really starting to wind her up.

ElenaGAuthor: You're not going to prove anything to me. You haven't a clue what you're talking about, and you've been nothing but a complete dick to me. I'm going to block you.

User41131514: So... I can cross off the Enemies to Lovers trope too, then?

Elena exited the conversation and hit the block button.

Asshole!