Bonnie didn't use the hotel's amenities and returned to the room within half an hour, spending the next few hours camped out on the twin bed next to Kai's with a handful of magazines she'd found in the lobby. She caught up on old celebrity news, cooking tips and travel recommendations, things that once upon a time she could only learn with Google. Food packets littered the end of the bed, her coke can and a glass of water on the bedstand.
It was a bit of a reprieve being able to take some time off trying to find a way out of here, it left her some time to think, to play over what he said, what she felt, and what to do next.
There was no way they were going to make it back to Mystic Falls in time for the next eclipse, the ascendant still cushioned in her backpack somewhere. Maybe a little time off would do them good today? The pressure was too much on both of them and until they managed to clear up what was wrong with Kai – well, they weren't going anywhere anyway.
Bonnie stood as she saw the sun blaze against the backs of the curtains, letting light to spill into the room, throwing open the side doors to enjoy the early morning breeze. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been next to the ocean.
It wasn't too long thereafter that Kai stirred, blinking like a baby owl seeing for the first time, filling her with an intimation of relief and grisly irritation.
An urge to cough woke Kai up – or rather pulled him from the depth of dreamless pit, cold and lonely. The inhale caught in his throat with a slight wheeze, eliciting a small coughing fit. Kai opened his eyes, squinting against the sun poring through the window around a dark silhouette sitting on the bed next to the one he found himself on. It was morning, and it wasn't the Boardinghouse. He couldn't quite make out Bonnie's face, but she gave out unhappy vibes. She seemed to have been sitting like that for a while, watching him. It made him uncomfortable and reminded of the fight they had. It was the brightest memory, the rest wasn't as firmly outlined.
"Where are we?" he asked in a husky voice.
Bonnie guessed killing himself just to kill himself didn't help in any beneficial way either. "Kilmarnock," she answered, rolling over onto her side, propping her head upon her hand, resisting the urge to check on him. "How are you feeling?"
A faint chortle escaped him despite himself, a cold, ironic sound. He felt like he had been hit with a bulldozer while being deadly drunk. His head was still a bit foggy, and he was already tired before he even moved. "I'll live, I guess. At least for a while."
She swung her legs off the bed and reached for the water glass. She moved to his side, crouching, setting it down and on the mattress next to him within reach. She was still holding it to make sure he wouldn't accidentally knock it over. "You should drink something."
There was no hostility he remembered from their fight in her voice, nor coldness that indicated hard feelings. However, Kai believed she harbored quite some of those, as well as he did. Why did she bother looking for him if he was the last person she wanted to be around? The answer remained obvious – he was the only person on the planet besides herself – and it irked him greatly. He realized he was still mad at her for blindly adoring the vampire bastard that cared so little about her. Kai was mad at himself for being mad at her and caring about any of it at all, but could do nothing about it.
He labored to sit up, wincing as his head swam a little, and nodded a thanks, taking the glass from her. Water felt good, but it also highlighted how starved he was.
He couldn't have gotten here without her finding and bringing him here, he reflected while he sipped. How could she have accomplished that? With whatever remained from her – his – magic. That probably meant she was depleted now, and thus they had the same problem. A prick of irritation followed the thought, like a full stop punctuation mark follows a sentence.
Bonnie sat down on the edge of her mattress to watch him. He looked deep in thought and like he might topple over at any minute.
"Just stay here and relax a minute. I'll see if I can find you something to help with the hangover," she said, moving to collect her food wrappers, stuffing them into the small bin.
He swallowed the last of the water and set the glass on the bedside table. "No need. I'll be fine."
"Fine?" she retorted. She didn't want to do this now, not when he'd only just woken up and looked like shit warmed up. "Of course you're fine. You died."
She faced him, folding her arms across her chest, eyes blazing with righteous ire. A mother about to wrack her rebel teenage kid after he stole and wrecked her car.
"Just what were you thinking last night? Drinking and driving?" She was disgusted to be honest, pissed off he took the fact that he couldn't die for good here with such a liberal grain of salt. "Arrive alive spends millions on campaigns to prevent such stupidity. Are you satisfied? Did you accomplish what you were trying to? Which was scare me half to death…"
Her last remark sliced a gash on his own growing anger, but it only made it roar louder. Kai set his jaw, peering at her sharply. "Yes, in fact. I've accomplished what I wanted, and it felt great. When nothing mattered anymore, and I was numb to hurt and feelings for as little a while as it took. Am I satisfied? No! Because I'm back here with everything that's opposite of that calm place I've almost reached."
She understood where Kai was coming from and what he was longing for. He wasn't supposed to be here anymore, and in attempting a good deed by coming back for her—by trying to help her—he'd suffered for it.
"I am sorry," she said, sincerely meaning it. She had made her choice back then. She chose to stay — even if to just keep him locked. And the thought of having the world inhibited by one another person—however psychotic—had seemed reasonable and doable. And she had regretted it since. All alone and in vain.
Kai heaved a small, frustrated sigh. She clearly misinterpreted what he truly meant to say. She thought he was regretting coming here to save her, while he was regretting his current state of mind and soul in general. Emotions he had never experienced in such intensity were eating him alive, and she had a huge part in stirring them, as well as Damon she refused to leave alone and kept summoning. However, explaining that to her was crisscrossed with two fat red straps with TABOO printed on them, like CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS is printed on the famous yellow tape.
"We should find a way to send you back. You alone," she added, unfolding her arms as she detoured past their beds and headed for the double doors, stopping short of the wooden deck.
Kai stared at her, his anger blown away like a feather in a hurricane.
She took a moment to think it over, admiring the view. "You can try and help me from the other side. Your powers have faded by now, you're accumulating it at a steady pace and it should be enough to get you home."
She leaned against the door jab, glancing back at him, waiting for his input on her theory.
Annoyance poked him in the ribs once more. What the hell was wrong with her judgments? "I can't go back – I can't use my magic, remember?"
She did remember, but that didn't seem entirely true. He was doing something, something to the fabric of this place, like magical seizures. If he wanted to – he'd find a solution.
"Besides, I'm not going anywhere without you. Otherwise, it's all been for nothing. And I don't bleed for nothing." Seeing she went for the door, he stood up and took a step to follow. "Stop talking bullshit and drive us back. Unless you brought us here on a broom."
She smiled softly, inherently grateful he'd declined her offer. It was nice to hear 'not going without you' aloud.
"We're not going anywhere. Not today," she said. "This place is beautiful, it has an indoor pool, a sauna, a gym, a movie theater and oversized kitchen with all the trimmings." She stepped away from the patio and around him. "I not going to pretend last night didn't happen, Kai," she mused, turning upon her heels to face him once more. "You wrapped yourself and the car around a tree. Literally. I don't know about you, but that speaks volumes of where your head is at right now, and no offense, but… I'm not eager to undertake a suicide run." Not again.
He looked down at his boots, tucking his hands in pockets, and searched himself for guilt. Should he really feel guilty for making her worry if she did? He didn't want to think he should. Because that wasn't happening.
"I say we take today, get you rested, get your head clear of things, and take a slow drive back tonight," she didn't think he'd be onboard with that, but she didn't care. "Or tomorrow morning. I'm tired of Mystic Falls. I'm tired of watching you bleed out, and to be honest, I could use the break myself." She should have considered this long ago.
For a moment, Kai let himself consider telling her about the atlas. Would she need a break then? Or would she race to Nova Scotia?
And, more importantly, would she still want to drag him along?
He didn't let the thought out of his mouth and gave her a meek smile. "Can't say I remember wrapping my car around a tree, or actually aiming to do exactly that, but I guess I have to take your word for it. Fine. A break might not be the worst idea for either of us."
She expected Kai to argue, to swear blind that he was ready to go, that he couldn't take another minute in this forsaken place. He surprised her. She smiled. She actually looked forward to a day of pretending their problems didn't exist.
"Let's tackle the kitchen first and see what we can throw together as a hangover cure. I could do with stuffing my face. Also, I saw a juicer in there," she stated conversationally as she left, guiding him toward the kitchen. "But I think it's one of those hand squeezer things. My grandmother used to own one."
"I don't need a hangover cure, but a good old face-stuffing sounds lovely."
They made a trip to the closest grocery store and picked a full cart of goods, drove them back on a car Bonnie picked and steered herself. Aside from trivial food discussions, they kept each to oneself. Kai couldn't quite shake the annoyance from the fight the day before, and she might have had the same issue. Damon's shadow loomed between them, and Kai found his hate for Damon deepened, like a cavity in a tooth growing darker and deeper the more sweets you eat.
Bonnie tried to feel as if they were on holiday. She inspected store windows and even went inside, snagging a new outfit straight off a hanger, along with a full piece bathing costume to make use of the pool. Their food came next, and before long, they were on their way back to the hotel with the groceries. She hadn't a care in the world and had taken a page out of her vampire friend's book by turning it off emotionally – as much as she could. She needed to. She wasn't ready to face yesterday's difficulties or anything else festering between them. Kai, she could tell, was having a harder time of it. Maybe because he'd run smack dab into a tree and died? Maybe because he was feeling and looking rundown?
Back in the hotel, they went right to cooking, both getting hungrier. An opened bottle of wine and a fresh loaf of bread lay between them on the counter to pick on.
"You wasted the magic on finding me," Kai said, mixing a sauce for chicken in a bowl. "Why? You could've used it to send a message to Damon, which you wanted to do so badly."
"Because you're here with me and he isn't?" she offered as an explanation while she peeled some potatoes, cutting them in quarters, preparing to dash them with a spec of oil for roasting. "Because maybe you're right. We are alone in this and the only we can count on to get us out of it… is us."
And that was the saddest, most heartbreaking truth of all. That didn't make her hope any less that she was wrong or that Damon would swoop in on his horse and save the day. She wasn't sure she would ever be able to shake that need as long as she was here.
Kai said nothing, accepting her reply for what it was, a musing when she wasn't really sure why she did it. He thought it was a moment of panic because of feeling left alone again – it must have been a serious trauma for her to begin with, he knew it not just from a significant amount of psychology knowledge, but from personal experience as well. Even if it was him, he was still closer than her closest from real life – he was here indeed. It wasn't truly what he liked to hear, but it sounded true, and he was glad she didn't try to placate him.
She opened the stove, slipping the prepared tray inside, and then got started on a selection of vegetables.
"Why were you on the road?" she asked after a moment, needing to push past that ailing admission and the pit of longing it left in the center of her stomach. "Were you going back home?" Were you leaving me? she wanted to add, but didn't. There had been that fear.
Kai stopped smearing orange-garlic-soy sauce over the chicken's breasts and looked at her with confused disbelief, meaning to say How would I get home without you? But then he didn't – saw no point in reciting the same stuff – and resumed his work.
She saw the look of deliberation flash across his face, as if he were struggling to decipher what she was meaning when she referred to his going home. She had meant Portland.
"I was running," he said, opting for honesty while seeing no better answer he could give. "From you, from Damon, from that damned cave and my doom. But mostly, from myself. From what I have been while locked in here. From what I thought would never surface once I was free."
He turned the chicken over and distributed the sauce over its back with the brush, then opened the oven and loaded it in.
Bonnie hadn't been expecting that, nothing that open or vulnerable. He had shared a few things with her before, intricacies she'd written off as fodder to buy her trust – yet, the longer she looked at him, the longer she really listened, the more she realized how lucky—or should she say strong—he was for coming out of this experience somewhat sane.
She, on the other hand, turned out to be the exact opposite.
"And did it help?" she asked, busy with a pumpkin selection. "The accident? The drinking? Do you feel better?"
Kai wiped his hands on a kitchen towel, took a good swallow of wine, considering.
"It did while I drove and drank. The reality moved back a little, providing me with an illusion of freedom that allowed me to breathe freer. But after that – nope. The illusion's gone, as well as the alcohol granting it." He gave a small chuckle, regarding the remaining wine in his glass. "That's why there are so many alcoholics: they're trying to prolong their temporal fix."
"So tell me…" Bonnie said, setting aside the knife she'd been holding to pick up her own glass of wine. "Can I expect another repeat act if I talk about Damon?" Kai gave a small, sardonic chuckle and refilled his glass. "Or if we fail at getting our asses home in the next day or two and I linger around too long? Is this going to be something I'm going to monitor you for?" And she would.
Kai sipped his wine, regarding her and making no reply. He didn't think he was fully over the fight – more so her arguments than the fight itself – and making promises to be good was the last thing he currently wanted to do.
"I know things are fucked up," Bonnie added. "That we got a little debatey and that I upset you, but I'd rather you talk to me instead of driving off into the middle of nowhere. There aren't cellphones here, there aren't medics and… we still don't know what's wrong with you. You can't afford to play with your life."
He refrained from another chuckle and busied himself with another swallow of red. His life was the only thing he could afford to play with if he wanted to, and sometimes it was the only thing to do to keep his head above the water of insanity. He wasn't sure he could explain it to Bonnie, however.
She narrowed her eyes, scrutinizing him, trying to gauge his response and what was going on in that head of his as she raised her glass in mock toast. "You came here to rescue me. I intend for it to be a successful mission."
"If only it depended solely on us – it would be." He finished his drink and bent to peek into the oven, wishing he didn't have to look at her or face her with that talk at all right now. He forced himself to look her in the eye, and folded his arms in an unconscious attempt to put up a guarding wall between them.
She met his eyes, reading his stiff position. It was unusual for him. At least what she'd come to know about him.
"As for talking – you weren't exactly in the mood to listen. And I did talk. I won't apologize for things I said about Damon because they're true, even if you don't view it like that, given you've been a bit out of the loop since you wound up here."
Talk? That's what we were doing? Kai wouldn't listen to reason. It was accusations and… truths Bonnie had no desire to hear. Was it really that bad and desperate for her to hope her friend would come to save her? She didn't think so. Was what he said true though? She couldn't help but wonder, couldn't help but feel a link of hesitation kick in. If it wasn't – wouldn't Damon be here by now? Wouldn't he have sent some kind of message? Or was she just putting too much pressure on him and expecting too much? He wasn't a witch. He didn't have the ability to come for her.
"It wasn't you that drove me to do it. It was… all at once. Some things just can't be helped, I guess. I've been here for too long, Bonnie. It's bound to show one way or another. And I can't make it easier for you and predict how exactly it will show. I'm sorry it is like that. But I'm not really sorry about what I did." He looked down at the floor, thinking back on the day his coven sent him here. "I'm a bit beyond being sorry, I guess… After a long while of being here, I decided the punishment surpassed the severity of my crime by quite far."
"I know things can't be easy for you," Bonnie said. "Being here, stuck in your eighteen-years prison, must be torturous. I'm not expecting you to be Mister Sanity or to hold an answer to everything. But you made it out," she said it and sounded oddly at ease with that, refusing to give him permission to pull another suicide stunt or herself to fear that he might think to do it again if thinks looked too dire. They were in this together now whether he liked to think so or not. "And that's in spite of my self-righteous attempts to do otherwise, despite your father's contributions. You survived this place." She took a large sip of her wine and set it aside to reclaim her knife. She wasn't so sure—if they were to be stuck here for years—if she would manage to survive it. Unlike him, when she died—she actually died. "Don't let it win now. Don't make it easy."
She left him with what she hoped to be some inspiration, some kind of apology for running off on him in the woods, and finished with their vegetables, peeling them quickly and dumping them in a pot to put in the stove.
Kai watched her work, mulling it over. His survival before her and Damon came along had not been his choice. He'd made it out solely because he knew what to do and it worked. This time nothing did, even recited to the letter. This time it seemed like an utterly different curse, as if someone else had cast it. Perhaps it was karma or his sister's wish come true. He could bet she – they both – wished him back to lock-up.
He sighed and refilled his glass, and peeked into the oven once more to make sure it was cooking evenly.
"You don't understand," he said when he straightened up. "It wins anyway. I can't die, I can't escape – that'd be me winning."
That was true. His punishment had been long-lasting, hers had been short-term and a way to bypass the pearly gates. She wasn't even sure how it worked or how her grandmother had managed such a huge sacrifice. Bonnie sometimes even wondered what she'd done to make it happen and if it were real – was she, Bonnie, real anymore? She guessed she must be, she guessed she would be once she was out of this place and able to touch her friends again. To anchor herself back in reality.
He took a swig, sloshed it in his mouth, eyeing the remaining red in the glass. "Last time I had a goal that kept me going. I had to make it right for myself, to make them – him – pay. I had to get what I wanted my whole life. Now…" He considered, then shrugged. "I guess I'm just tired." The other thought he had he didn't like, but there it was, and he pushed it out after lilting out his drink. "And because I'm tired, I might've been wrong denying your ideas. Maybe you're right and sending a message to your friends could work – in case they pay attention. A very small chance, but given the circumstances, there's not much choice aside from simply rotting here."
She smiled softly, rather contented he'd acknowledged her former plan, and at the same time scared out of her wits. What if something went wrong? What if she wasted the last of the magic? She didn't want Kai killing himself again to reenergize her in order to make every decision more efficient. Also, something of what he said stuck with her. Something about Damon, about him moving on with his life, about living willy-nilly without trying to get to her. Was it that simple? Did he stop trying? Was Damon distracted by everything else going on around him that she'd been tossed to the backburner to wait it out until the storm settled?
She seemed clearly pleased with his admission about the message. And Kai did mean it. As much as he hated the idea of stretching even the thinnest of threads of hope toward Damon and company, he had no way of telling whether he would be feeling better or worse in the next few hours. Dizziness, fever, headache and sickness came and went as they pleased, and the only thing he knew for sure was that somehow his body was screwed because he no longer fit in this prison world. There was no way he could fix it himself. And there appeared to be no way Bonnie could do anything about it, either. Stalemate.
"That can wait," she stated eventually in response to his offer, too afraid to have what Kai said about Damon become reality. What if she sent the second message, what if he saw it and decided to leave her here in order to keep Kai locked up? "We'll deal with it once we get back to Mystic Falls. For now," she removed a big spoon from the drawer with which to stir her veggies and to make sure they wouldn't burn, "we take a dip in the pool, have a nice meal and take a slow drive back in the afternoon. Besides, I need to think about how to do this. Miss Cuddles was pretty obvious; a letter is risky and it's not as if they frequent the family crypt at every given day. Right?"
"Of course not. The only way it could work is if your letter lands in the Boardinghouse, preferably somewhere Damon visits most – his room or the parlor or the kitchen."
"As near to the bourbon is the best bet," she responded, tapping the spoon against the edge of the pot, dismissing the rest of their options. If there was one thing that was consistent with Damon, it was booze.
She set the spoon aside and walked away from the stove to turn on the silver radio perched on the windowsill. She twisted the knob and shimmied slightly as 'These are the days of our lives' by Queen pervaded the air. She hadn't even bothered suggesting Elena. Bonnie didn't know her routine. She wasn't sure whether Elena spent most her time in Mystic Falls with Damon or if she stayed at her dorm. It was too risky and they didn't have too many opportunities. Besides, she trusted that once Damon got her second message—their message—that he'd do everything he could to get them out.
She walked back to her vegetables, enjoying the sound of the presenter's voice as he detailed—for the hundred time—the upcoming eclipse, dedicating song after song in its honor. The playlist was redundant but liked nonetheless.
Once her vegetables were finished, she immediately put them on their plates, cathartically washing up the pots and pans they had used as they came along.
"Isn't there another soul in the whole town you trust enough?" Kai asked, sliding a knife into the chicken to detach a drumstick. "And, more importantly, who cares about you more than Damon? What about that friend of yours who was so frantic about getting you out? The blonde, Caroline? How come she's not your choice to contact if we can?"
"Caroline?" she echoed, surprised he brought her up. The mere mention of Caroline's name brought a small almost melancholic smile to her face. She missed her blonde bestie and craved to hear her upbeat voice for days, to hear her badly executed jokes, her newest fashion crisis and about the latest make-up tips. She'd always been good at comforting Bonnie, at being there for her when she thought she was alone.
For some reason, Bonnie had removed her from the equation, figured that, if Damon had been trapped here with her and gotten out, he'd be the one to rescues her.
"You've seen her?" she asked out of curiosity, wondering if they'd spoken or if he'd harassed her.
"No, she wasn't there while I've been trying that stupid spell for hours." Kai frowned, turning the chicken to cut off another drumstick, slicing the knife into the hip joint. "It's weird, actually, isn't it? If they were about to have that birthday-slash-memorial party, she shoulda been there, right? Or maybe — if she's a normal person — this whole idea sickened her out and she left them to it while she… I dunno, grieved on her own? You tell me."
"Possible," Bonnie added, conjuring up Caroline's smiling face and her oh so gentle hugs in her mind's eye. She could do with one right now. "I suppose she's still at Whitmore. At least she was the last time I knew about what was going on with her. I'm— it's been six months. I'm severely out of the loop. Things change in our lives with a drop of a hat. Was Elena still going to Whitmore? You didn't happen to hear her mentioning the school or whether or not she was dropping in for the day to celebrate my birthday?"
"I know she's been going to school, all right," he said, slicing meat off the chicken breastbone. "Practicing under Jo at their hospital. Even dating some other guy until Damon pulled her back to the dark side."
"Dating? Elena?" Bonnie asked, arching a brow. That was information she would have liked to hear from her best friend, but at the same time, she was suddenly impossibly curious, as if she caught a rash that made her whole body itch. It had been a hot minute since the last time she got wrapped up in their gossip. It made her feel normal. Like there was more to the world than death and being stuck in some magical hellhole. She craved it so much, much more than she was prepared to be reminded of. "Wow, I didn't think she'd have moved on from Damon for awhile. They seemed to be okay when I spoke to them briefly. Not that we went into relationship details…"
Kai snickered, cutting off the second wing, then began to laugh. "Oh boy, that's right. You don't know!" He put down the knife and reached for the paper towels roll to wipe his hands, still laughing.
Annoyance sparked at his reaction. She hated him being in the loop and her not knowing the basics going on with her own best friends. She had always been in the loop. Even when she'd died. She could see their movement, see what they did at all hours of the day, even if they thought she was out living her best life instead of trying to live vicariously through them and here she was again. She felt so insanely jealous she wanted to cry.
She swallowed down the self-pity, put her best foot and encouraging smile forward and waited on him to get to the Storytime portion of his glee.
He noticed her avid, irked attention that was nearly physical in its nudging, but he wasn't in a particular hurry to relieve her of her anxious waiting. He took the plates and forks, then began distributing the meat, casting a sly glance her way and feeling a little trickle of gratification at how her impatience grew.
He cleared his throat, and made the best effort to sober up, but the sneer still fought for its place. "Well, see, I've done some homework before coming to the Boardinghouse, obviously. I mean, there's barely any better spy than me, as you know." He froze, and looked past her into space, deep in thought. "Come to think of it, I could do it for a living… Well, in another universe, I guess. But still."
"Yeah, I agree," Bonnie said, still holding onto her half forced smile as she ushered him on. "You could be an amazing stalker. Or Ninja." And she was only half kidding. For months they had no idea Kai was around, and Damon was a freaking vampire. She had to assume that the biggest reason for that was because he hadn't expected there to be anyone else but them. "Back to Elena dating another. Was it Matt? Stefan?"
Kai chuckled, clucked his tongue. "Have you missed the part where I said some other guy? I think his name was… uh… Leo… Lyle… Liam… Something. An aspiring medic just like her. Only, well, he actually learned how to be one and she was cheating with her super blood to impress people with her awesome doctor skills. I don't think Jo was fooled for long. But that guy? Probably got compelled, like, a hundred times. Your vamps got no chill with compulsions."
Bonnie couldn't believe that Elena was dating someone else entirely. She thought that if things went south with Damon, then either Matt or Stefan would be waiting in the wings to pick up what was left over. She was way off kilter. A new guy. Bonnie wondered what he looked like. Was he good-looking? Better-looking than Damon? She imagined that was hardly a factor considering the Salvatore gene pool. Still. Had she been happy? Why'd she even do that?
"Yeah, well, it's hard keeping vampires' a secret otherwise. I'm sure she was doing it out of necessity. How do you even know that information? Have you been following her around?"
Kai squinted wistfully, pondering it, then shrugged noncommittally. "Well, yes and no… Not really that much of following around was involved. I kinda tried to locate Jo, but my sissy poofed as soon as she heard I was out. And Elena didn't really bother to check on her mentor and lead me to her on her tail… So that went to hell, mostly, but I've learned some things." He put the ready plates next to her served vegetables on the table and went to pick another bottle of wine sitting on the counter.
"So, you weren't following her to follow her, you were following her to get to Jo. Right. Got it," Bonnie said, making sure she could make sense of everything he was saying all at once. She didn't know why she thought he might have been following Elena for other reasons. More of 'she's so pretty' reasons. It's not as if Elena had ever had a problem with boys. Bonnie couldn't remember a time Elena ever got something other than what she wanted romance-wise.
"Of course most of the intel came directly from her brain… After I sucked in that humongous Travelers' spell." He laughed. "Ugh, there was a motherload of crazy in that pretty head. I wasn't prepared. I could write a few twisted novels."
"What do you mean her brain? You read her mind? And you say twisted? Elena?" There was no way. Bonnie couldn't believe that. He must have gotten his lines crossed. She pulled one of the plates toward herself, picked up the cutlery and began to stab at her food, patiently waiting for him to join her at the table before she'd started eating.
He brought the opened bottle to the table and rinsed their glasses before filling them anew. "You'd be surprised," he said. "The ideas she gets… I mean, even for me, it'd be a bit…" He trailed off, taking a sip, and taking his moment to savor the taste. "Mhm, not bad," he murmured, setting the glass down, and settled by his plate, picking up the utensils.
Bonnie watched him with a squint, biting her lip and flexing her fingers on her knife and fork to keep from yanking him back on the needed track. She suspected he was beating around the bush on purpose. Was it a revenge of some sort? In the back of her mind, it was beginning to taste like some aftermath of their fight. Perhaps, she should brace for more news Kai found gloat-worthy while she wouldn't like one bit. Was it Elena this time? Or both her and Damon? What else was there about Damon Bonnie was yet to find out? It was a scary thought, and painful, too, like a tender place where the fresh bruise has just bloomed.
"Your town's a bit of a madhouse," Kai shared conversationally, and jumped off the chair to get the sauce they forgot on the counter by the oven. "It's near impossible to find ends and tails in that Santa Barbara of supernatural without any inside help." He added some of orange-soy sauce to his plate, then shifted the sauce-boat to Bonnie. "That guy my twinsy fell for, that weird name... Alarm… Alas… Eric… uh… Alaric — he's been something bonkers. Like, an original vampire, but not really… Like, some witch made him that for whatever purpose… It's so confusing. You know about that?"
"She made him that way to kill the originals," Bonnie clarified, thinking to the day when her literal undead world started to fall apart around her. All the people that had passed through her. Those that had died, those that had opted to find peace. She thought about her grandmother, about Lexi and her final act to save Stefan who'd also been caught up. She liked to black out most that day. To forget that there had been no one with her in those final moments until Damon appeared. She'd taken his hand and the rest was history. "He passed the night Elena turned. When the other side began to collapse, and I was able to return some people back to their lives, I guess, he ended up reverting to what he was when he died. I'm glad he made it. He's a good man."
"Apparently, Elena set them up for a date or something, and my sissy latched on." Kai smeared a piece of chicken in sauce and sent it in his mouth.
"That's sweet," Bonnie added, wondering what Kai's sister was like. She allowed an image of Jenna to flash into her brain, to rush around sadly and then disappear. Alaric had a lot of love lost in his life. She was glad he was given another chance. But did he have a thing for doctors now or something? That brought the smallest of smiles to her lips. If Caroline was here, they could have gossiped about it. "What's your sister like? You said she's a doctor—but like… is she… like… you…"
He looked at her with wily irony. "Like me?"
She nodded and slipped a veggie into her mouth. There was a lot she was referring to. "Like, is she chatty. You know—those types of things." Also the unaired 'is she a psycho'.
He knew exactly what she was referring to. And yet, the answer was pretty obvious without having to ask. "She didn't get locked up, so whatta ya think?"
She continued to eat, shrugging slightly. Being locked up didn't mean anything. She knew a lot of psychos that weren't locked up. Klaus. Enzo. Damon (before he became who he was now). "So back to Elena and Damon. They're back together?"
"Oh yeah, that drama. You ever watched some Indian movies? These two put those to shame." He took a sip of the wine. "To begin from the beginning, as you might imagine yourself, Elena didn't take her separation from Damon's unearthly charms well. She went down the bonzo road."
"Bonzo road? What's that?" Bonnie asked, pushing her food around her plate more than she was eating it. "If you mean sad, possibly depressed, then yeah—she's lost a lot of people. Me included."
"I mean crazy, like, absolutely crazy. She couldn't deal. And it wasn't about you, either. So, she latched onto my little twin sibling Luke, who is no more, and guilt-tripped him into giving her some herbs he apparently stole from our coven stash. So she basically turned into a junkie. She took them and hallucinated spending time with her fanged prince." He shrugged, chewing. "Of course she could've hallucinated talking to you, but… you know. In times like that you go for the most visceral needs."
So the same way Jeremy was when they lost their parents, Elena had become over Damon? Was their relationship really that co-dependent? Bonnie couldn't imagine anyone going to that length for her. Perhaps because they'd lost her one too many times already that it was simply expected and dealt with. Would Bonnie have been the same had the roles been reversed, if she'd lost Jeremy or Elena? No. She never would have touched drugs. Was there part of her that wanted to when she lost her grandmother? Yeah. But at the same time, no. She had Caroline. Caroline who called her every day, Caroline who checked in on her even on the days she didn't want to be checked in on and talked to. Bonnie knew she had someone. Elena was so lost without Damon she felt she had no one? Not even Jeremy? Bonnie felt sad for her best friend, for how far she'd fallen. What was going on now that he was back? Was Elena off the stuff? Was she still addicted?
"Elena loved him. Loves him. I guess Damon was the final straw to her loss train. Her parents, her brother, me, Jenna… Alaric…" She frowned, catching herself. Alaric was there. Why didn't Elena take comfort in his support like she had before? Part of Bonnie was disappointed in who she deemed Elena was. "I expected more from her."
"I think your Barbie friend had the same thoughts," Kai nodded. "Anywho, that's been going on for a while. And it didn't end well, either. Those herbs made her ravenous, like a starved wendigo in some horror flick. She was attacking people everywhere. Then some victim slipped away to your spelled town and word got out."
Bonnie set her fork down, closing her eyes briefly, trying to absorb what he'd told her and the inherent disappointment that had increased. She remembered when Caroline had first become a vampire and how distraught she, Bonnie, had been. How scared for her friend. She'd had the same sentiments for Elena, knowing that she could handle it even less than Caroline in the end. She thought back to Elena with her humanity off after Jeremy's death on the island, about what a bitch she'd been and how emotionless. Did Elena feel bad for what she was doing? And yet continued to do it anyway? How much of the truth would Elena tell her once she was back?
"I thought you absorbed the magic around Mystic Falls? Or was that before?"
"Of course it was before."
He was beginning to get annoyed by her lack of focus. There was little to no fun with this. Either she was stunned and unbelieving, or outright downplaying it all to protect her own sensibilities. Kai had knocked Damon down a peg in her eyes last night, even though she still protected him with foam at her mouth, but now she was trying to save her place with Elena. Kai could sympathize with his newly acquired understanding Luke's perspective provided, but on the other hand, it was annoying as hell.
"Of course," Bonnie repeated, feeling stupid for trying to keep her story straight. There was just so much going on, so much she'd missed she wanted to make sure she was understanding it correctly. She had to wonder what happened to the victim. She didn't ask though, assuming, despite his having read her mind, that he wouldn't really know, and she almost didn't want to hear the answer in case it was something bad. They were supposed to be working to protect their town against the bad. Or was that on Bonnie? Was that over now that she was gone? She didn't think so with Stefan, Caroline and Matt still around. But then again, when Stefan fell off the wagon, he fell hard. Really hard.
She pushed more of her food around and then slowly slid it into her mouth, eating quietly, washing it down with the wine he'd poured them. She wanted a change of perspective. "Is Caroline dating anyone new?"
He chewed on another piece of chicken, scrutinizing her with his eyes dancing in sly mirth. "I see," he said finally. "Your brilliant image of the perfect Elena Gilbert is cracking and you want to preserve it. I understand. It's fair. But," he laughed again, shaking his head, "you're missing out on a bombshell there."
"What's that?" Bonnie asked, her stomach dropping, instinctively aware that she wasn't going to like what he had to say.
He narrowed his eyes at her, "You sure you wanna know everything? You seemed to want to change the subject a second ago." He wanted to bet on Bonnie's curiosity, on her anxiety and squirming to know about things she had missed. He yearned to make her see her beloved hero gang in a new light.
She tilted her head as if to say are you serious. She had changed the topic and he had brought it right back around, pretending as if he didn't want to tell her whatever he knew. She gave a nod and stuffed more food into her mouth to keep from telling him to get on with it. He'd come to help her, she was trying to remain polite and not snap.
He swallowed the chicken, keeping his scrutiny on Bonnie, a smile twitching his mouth. He took a sip of wine, as though considering how to proceed with it all, then smacked his lips, setting the glass down, and gave her a resolute look. "Okay, I can spill Elena's secrets to you now, but you gotta promise you can keep the part of how I got them to yourself. Deal?" Not that she really knew how he got them. The idea of telling her about their fun night in Mystic Falls High gave him simultaneously enthralled and wary chills.
"Deal," Bonnie retorted, wishing he would get on with it. The pit in her stomach had worsened and her meal was beginning to taste bland. If he didn't tell her soon she'd explode. She picked up her wine and drained the glass, licking her lips as she put it down, reclaiming her fork so she could shred some of the chicken off the bone.
He got up with the bottle in hand to refill her glass, trying to keep his urge to grin in check. She was on the hook and wiggling. God, he loved that feeling. It had been a while since he could play these games. The wine was making his tongue looser, he realized, and it had to be kept in check as well. But the light buzz in his head was pleasant, something akin to what he had felt the night before in the car, but milder, still under control.
"So… where were we?" he asked, settling with his own refilled glass in hand.
"Oh my God!" Bonnie snapped, snatching up the glass without thanking him for the refill. "Get. On. With. It." Usually her patience didn't wear so thin, but he was dragging it out past her breaking point.
He bit back a laugh, enjoying her vexation. A little payback for the night before would not hurt at all. "Oh yeah, I remember now, her hunger… It was out of control, and Luke stopped the herbs supply, and she had to say goodbye… which — as you can guess yourself by now — she couldn't deal with. So… whatta ya think her little creative mind decided? She went to Alaric with his super-vampire powers and told him to compel her feelings for Damon out of her memory, like, literally. She wanted to erase all his good stuff — whatever there even was to erase — and keep all the bad where he uh… killed her brother and ruined her life and all that. I mean, how genius is that!"
"That doesn't make sense," Bonnie uttered after a shocked pause, shaking her head, feeling a laugh bubble to the surface due to the wine. Of everything she could have tried, why would she not just erase him entirely? Make him a stranger? The things he'd done to them in the beginning were horrendous. It had taken Bonnie a long time to get over those herself. When you get stuck with someone—only one person—you sort of force yourself to overlook it. She knew that was part of her issue. Like Stockholm syndrome. "That's ridiculously stupid," Bonnie stated, saying out loud what she actually thought. "I swear, since the moment she started screwing Damon, she lost all common sense. It was like—" She made a gesture of a brain exploding and then stopped, catching herself, wondering if she was tipsy or just done with the bullshit. She flushed, feeling bad about talking shit about the situation with Kai instead of Caroline. "So, did the compulsion wear off?"
Kai's eyes were sparkling, reading every little twitch in Bonnie's body language and mimic. She was getting tipsier, all right, and it was playing into his field just fine. "Oh no, it was done meticulously. She was coming to Ricky like you visit a shrink. It took many days for them to get to the exact moment where she fell in love with the loser so they could reverse it. So when they were done, she viewed Damon the way he is — the first class a-hole villain. And that was when she spotted that poor Leo-Lyle guy… oh, sorry, Liam, I think… and began flirting her way into a new romance."
"Damon must have loved that," Bonnie said, unable to contain the bitter smile that had twisted onto her mouth. He'd fought so hard to get back to Elena and for what? To be pushed to the side? She pitied him, but at the same time, part of her was alright with it. They weren't that good for one another. They'd never been. Bonnie had always thought there was an expiry date on their relationship. She was being cruel now, but, thankfully, she hadn't said it out loud. "Was Liam nice?"
Kai shrugged, "Hard to judge for me, and I feel Luke woulda found him a bit haughty, but through the prism of her memories — yeah, he was that all-knowing doctors-family A student, a bit of a showoff but cute. She liked their little competition, and she wanted him to be it."
"And did she actually give him a chance or did she give up?" Bonnie asked, pushing her plate away, settling her elbow on the table, her chin in her hand. "She tends to do that. She pushes them away. Wants them. Pushes them away. Lures them back. It's like a cycle."
"No, she was actually actively pursuing her target," Kai assessed. "It distracted her from, well, thinking of you much. She left the sorrows to the Blonde friend."
"As long as she was happy," Bonnie said, sounding wistful about it, wondering if Elena even knew how to be that anymore. Bonnie couldn't remember the last time Elena had been genuinely happy. "Did she find being compelled easier?" She drank more wine, then added as if she needed to air it. "I miss Caroline."
"Well, what do you think?" Kai spread his arms in a brief duh gesture. "Is it easier to think the person you couldn't breathe without is a vicious killer unworthy of any tears shed over his demise than still being suffocated by knowing you won't see him again? She was over him! Just like that. The new sun rose, and new life dawned. Never mind you still missing from the picture, but she was feeling great. Unlike your Caroline, by the way. That one — and also the trusted super-vamp Rick — were the only ones searching for ways to get you out of here. I mean, while you both were here. Damon's brother moved on — kinda like Elena, but minus the sunny feelings and memory wipe."
"Stefan was able to move on from Damon?" Bonnie asked, sitting back in her chair, her brows shooting toward her hairline. She couldn't believe it. No matter how toxic Damon was to his brother, Bonnie didn't imagine the latter just starting fresh after a loss like that.
"Sort of." Kai gave an uncertain wave of hand, and cut off another piece of chicken. "After Elena did the wipe, she began bugging Stefan about his moving on. Like, no, I don't believe it, you gotta show me, yadda-yadda… He got a job as auto mechanic in some rathole place, a little house and a new girl. And he stopped returning your Blondie's calls 'cause Blondie wanted you back and Stefan just wanted to cut off everything Mystic-Falls-related. Everything and everyone."
Bonnie was picking at her food, forgetting that she needed to eat and that she was still hungry. Her brain was a busy anthill.
"She made him take her for a ride and show her how he moves on, and then she still bugged him about it. Like, it's wrong and all that. And he was like, ahem, you compelled your love for him away, so don't judge me. And she was all shocked… Fun times. Like a freaking sitcom."
"Glad he called her out on that," Bonnie said, meaning it. If Bonnie had been there, she would have told Elena what a bad idea it was. Not because it was bad to forget Damon. There were certain things Bonnie wouldn't mind scrubbing from her own head, but it wasn't a healthy way to deal. "Our lives are a sitcom. Sometimes I can hardly believe we're living it at all. Maybe we're not? Maybe I'm still dead and we're all trapped in my hell."
Kai laughed. "Good one." He sipped his wine, eyeing her with amusement. "I had the same feeling when you two got trapped in my hell. So, frankly, I wouldn't mind to be trapped in yours for a while. It surely is more fun than mine has been."
"The more the merrier," Bonnie joked, making a gesture as if to welcome him into her circle. The truth was, it wasn't much better her side either, but she could do with the company, she'd overestimated her ability to handle being alone. It was no way to live. She forked a few more bits of chicken into her mouth, chewing while she thought about everything he'd told her about Elena. "How are you feeling now that you've eaten?"
"Not bad," he said, pensive and assessing for a moment, then gave her a grin. "Like I'm actually fine. Let's see how long that lasts." He picked up the last piece of meat with the helping of vegetables, and washed it down with a swallow of wine. When he reached for the bottle, he jerked his chin towards her half-untouched plate. "You always such a slow eater? It's not pancakes you hate, but you still used to destroy those faster."
"I didn't hate pancakes. I hated the routine of the pancakes," Bonnie stated, flashing him a quick smile, shoveling a bit more food into her mouth. She made a show of focusing on eating. There was no point in wasting when she was going to need all the energy she could muster should any flickering start up again.
"Speaking of pancakes… Wanna hear about Damon's homecoming?" Kai wiggled his eyebrows as though it was the best show of the last decade. And it certainly was; Kai wished he could have seen it all live.
"I want to hear everything," Bonnie quipped, her hands moving in a flourish as if to show him that the floor was his. She'd felt bad at first, like she was dissecting something she never should have been allowed to see, but at the same time, what other choice did she have? "We've time."
She got that right, they did have time. Too much time for Kai's liking, but he didn't want to go there. The whole point of the performance was to get distracted from being in lockdown. It was much better to imagine they got together for a weekend in the real world and any of her annoying friends could call any moment and make her giggle after something he had told her about them a minute ago.
Kai tried to shake off the longing for the impossible, and served her another helping of chicken. "His return was a shock to Stefan, apparently — from what I gather, he was the first witness of that rising. And then it shocked Elena who suddenly refused to even consider facing him, let alone erasing the compulsion. So he began chasing her and she avoiding him." Kai chuckled, recalling the moment, and shook his head. "That one time, he came to her dorm, and she fled through the window. That's some epic love."
Bonnie laughed imaging Elena jumping out of a window to escape Damon. Then she sobered as though she'd thought of something else. "Was it because she was scared of him?"
"Umm…" Kai frowned, stilling with his glass in hand, pondering. It was hard to find heads and tails in Elena's motivations. Kai couldn't imagine having to live with a mess like that in one's head. "I… don't really… I wish I had a translator for that. But no… not really scared… more like, didn't wanna face him because she despised the guy while knowing how everybody told her she had loved him, and the urge to explain herself to him was too much, and she wanted him back dead but hated herself for it, but not really… if that even makes sense. Uh, I think it's giving me a headache." He rubbed the bridge of his nose, and took a sip.
"Less funny then," Bonnie added, appreciating his attempt to explain what sounded ridiculous. Maybe she'd do the same when she got back to the real world and had to face Jeremy. If he even cared to see her. "How did Stefan find Damon? Did Damon appear at the boarding house? Where do you show up when you get out? The last place you were?"
"Well, I haven't been in Stefan's head, so," Kai spread his arms and made a popping sound. "But I bet he appeared exactly where we've seen him disappear in here — the tunnels. I zapped back home from Oregon after our infamous final dinner, and then I flew to Virginia to find my precious siblings. And, well, I did a locator on the ascendant so I could destroy it. Found your golden couple with it — they were just back without you. That's when I melted it."
"Why did you melt the ascendant? You wanted me to stay here?" Bonnie asked. If that was the reason, then his karma kicked in a hundred fold since he ended up making his life harder when it came to rescuing her.
Kai rolled his eyes, getting a helping of vegetables. "I might've been a bit bitter after you and I parted. All that 'I'm never letting you out' and 'let's divide the world and never see each other again' upset me more than I expected. Which, in the light of your own re-evaluations, I'm sure you could understand. Maybe. Hopefully." He sat back down with his plate and gave her a somewhat sheepish look. "I'm sorry now, if that helps anything. So sorry I'm even back here." A little smile dawning. "Serving you another dinner. Bleeding out as much as I can to get your mojo going." His eyes narrowed, he made a tsking sound and added, "Wish they gave me that bear before I got here. Not that I expected to be able to get here at all… but still, woulda been nice."
Understand she could. Did she like it? Not even a little. It made her want to punch him in the face. The fact that he was here now, that he tried to save her, cushioned the need to do that. In his position, she would have done the same.
She peered at the extra chicken he'd given her, beginning to shred it with her fingertips, licking her fingers in turn.
"Apology accepted for everything but you coming back here. I should be thanking you for that," Bonnie stated, flashing him a grateful smile. "Damon managed to get Miss Cuddles?"
Kai nodded, wondering whether she truly accepted those apologies. If it was even possible to forgive what he had done to her. He hadn't fully forgiven her for wanting to keep him locked, even though he had left her with a punishment she didn't get over, either.
"You ever regretted sending it away?" he asked quietly, eyeing the remaining wine in his glass.
"No, I don't," Bonnie answered, lying through her teeth. At the time it had felt like the right thing, but after Kai had stabbed her and gotten out anyway, it had felt as if she'd done it all for nothing. Eighteen years was a long time to be stuck in the prison world, but being forgotten by her friends for two months hurt more than she cared to voice. It wasn't the first time she'd been forgotten. On the worst days, she often wondered why Damon hadn't tried harder to free her. She supposed, after everything Kai had told her about Elena's memory wipe, it made sense that his focus would have been on trying to get Elena back first. He had never been the best multitasker.
Kai raised his eyes to her, surprised by the answer. It had to be a lie, he felt it in his gut. But who cared now? Done was done, on both sides. He had been keeping a habit of holding no regrets throughout his life, but the merge had still added a few.
He shrugged, chuckling softly. "Perhaps, you got that right. Because before Damon found your bear, he never even told anyone you'd been here with him. He told them all you'd found peace."
So he got home and wrote her off. That revelation stung. Deeply. She never would have said that, in fact, she knew that had she been the one to escape, she would have done everything she could to made sure he was in fact dead before giving up on him.
She drained her wine glass, wiped at her lips with the back of her hand and look around for a little more. "I guess he wasn't wrong. I made peace. I had to."
Kai ground his teeth and felt the searing tentacles of anger rise from the pit of his stomach and snake around his intestines, burning everything they touched. "Aw would you stop with the martyr act!" he slammed his palm against the table, and the cutlery rattled.
Bonnie jumped, her nerves shooting into her throat at his vehemence, fear smoothing over her features, only to soften when she realized he wasn't attacking her. Not physically. She hated that she reacted that way, that although she'd helped him, and would continue to help him, part of her was still scared of him. He was unpredictable and could change on her in a dime.
"Could you just one time, one goddamn time admit that he dealt you dirty? You get an arrow for the guy, send him back to his insufferable girlfriend, and he doesn't even tell them what a sacrifice you made! He simply erased your time here. He robbed your best friends of any stories of you, your strength and optimism you held onto even when he did all he could to bring you down, and your final heroic deed, of any good memories he had. He just… nulled you. And then focused on his own problems, enjoyed his brother and friend's company while you were rotting here with me."
She attempted to settle her nerves, to grapple onto what had angered him, and found that his words were even more cruel. "He just— he didn't want to give them false hope. To hurt them more than they already were," Bonnie began, the excuse rolling off her tongue as a way to appease herself more than Kai. She needed to believe what she was saying to be able to move forward. "I don't believe he was enjoying himself. Not fully. He cares about me, Kai."
"He cares about Elena!" he all but screamed at her, leaning over the table as he stood with his palms planted on it, his fingers clawing at the surface while his ire scorched his heart. "He cares about all things Elena and you're just a little dark sin he preferred to bury and forget! Did it slip your mind last night when I told you that? You're the reminder of his weakness he never wants Elena to find out about! Now that she got back to him against all odds! Ah, right, I forgot to tell you how Alaric reverted back to human and her compulsion got permanent! And still she came back to him. Guess why? When he got the bear and decided that working on saving you was the best bet for Elena to like him again! And he won! Now my family won't let them free us, but hey, he already got what he wanted! She loves him for trying! And Jeremy got to terms with losing you long ago, drinking it all to oblivion and getting all sex he could get. You and I are on our own! Damon is done with you!"
"Fuck you!" Bonnie spat when she was able to find her voice. She was trembling from fear, humiliation and anger. Her hands balled into defensive fists. She wanted to punch him in his dumb face over and over. "Damon would not do that to me! He has been trying to get me out! He hasn't found a way yet! And actually, he did, because you're here! Would you have come if he didn't manipulate you into doing it?! No! Of course not, because you don't give a fuck! You pretend that Damon is this vile evil vampire that doesn't care about me to make yourself feel better. But he cares! What we've been through, you can't understand! No one can!" Her hands slapped down on the table, emphasizing what she was saying, jerking her from her seat so she could stand.
Kai emitted a frustrated growl of a wolf whose paw got crushed in the trap's metal teeth, his own hands fisting as though to slam down on the table again with all the might of fury boiling him alive. And he wanted to, he craved to destroy that table and chuck a bottle at her stupid, stubborn head. So much so that his vision darkened for a second there and he thought he'd faint if he didn't strangle her right this second.
Trembling, he made a slow, cautious step back, as though any tile on the floor could explode under his feet. "Then let him save you. If he finds a free minute in his busy Gilbert love marathon schedule. And you wait. Good luck with that."
He strode away, slamming the door shut behind him.
She flopped into her chair, chest heaving as she began to hyperventilate, and tears streaming down her face as she found herself alone again. She didn't particularly like Kai, but she didn't also particularly hate him. She cried hard. For her friends, for herself, for the fact that what he'd said about Damon had rung true and make her insides chilly and bitter. They'd slept together once, a stolen moment of intimacy they'd needed after a particularly hard day of emotions and drinking. It was never planned and nor was it repeated. It was just something that happened and both had written off. Or had she? It's not as if she viewed sex the same way. Not like them. Not like Damon. Not like Jeremy.
She was less annoyed learning that Jeremy had jumped straight onto the sex bandwagon as soon as she slipped away. It was one of his many coping mechanisms. She knew it would happen. When they'd been going through their stuff they'd been having sex all the time. Sadly it wasn't enough and it didn't fix anything. In fact, right now, it simply disgusted her to know that he hadn't changed. Then again, that was too harsh. She was the one that left him. Not that she had a choice. She didn't know how to tell him she was going to die. How did you even start? How did you sit your boyfriend down and say; 'we tried, but it's not going to happen and it's too late. I'm sorry'. She rather wanted their last moments to be good and filled with positivity. Maybe she'd been wrong, maybe she'd been selfish, but what would it have helped to tell him otherwise? To prepare him for the inevitable?
That too was bullshit. Jeremy wasn't an idiot. If he had listened to her—really listened—he would have known without her needing to explain and say her goodbyes. She wondered if anyone else had searched for her after she'd vanished from existence. The other side was collapsing, but what did they think was happening to her? No one had seemed concerned then, they'd all been to hyper focused on getting their loved ones back before the other side collapsed. Why was she not worthy being part of that list?
Her insides turned, and before she knew what was happening, she was bent over, throwing up the chicken and vegetables beside her chair. That went on for two minutes before the sensation passed and she was able to get to her feet, putting as much distance between herself and the table, finding another bottle of wine to wash the foul taste from her mouth.
"Bingo," she said when she found their assortments of wine in a lone fridge, scanning everything they had to offer, snatching up two bottles, one she tucked under her arm, the other in held in her hand, her free hand dabbing at her eyes and nose with a serviette.
If Kai truly left, then well, she had nothing else to do, did she? Nothing she needed to keep her head for. She took a deep swig of the red wine and headed out of the now stinking kitchen, walking through the inn in search of a pool, somewhere she could continue to cry and drown her sorrows.
It felt like forever since Caroline turned the page and began to run her eyes over the same line, struggling to actually absorb the meaning in her muddy brain. Eventually, she heaved a sigh and put her hands over her eyes, her fingers rubbing her forehead above the eyebrows as if she could massage the tension from the very brain tissue beneath the bone. She just wanted to curl into an embryo pose and weep some more, but at the same time, there was only so much weeping a person could take in one evening, and she felt she had filled that quota twice.
She put the book aside and picked up her phone, lingering on the background image before going to messages. There were some from Stefan, reporting that her mother had eaten, had had some tea with honey, and that they had been watching Friends after all. Caroline's heart shrunk painfully at the shrill need to be there, too, taking comfort in her mother's presence. How long did she still have of that treasure before that, too, would be taken away from her? Would she ever get Bonnie back? What if Jo wouldn't be willing to go against her father's demands? And why would she if her worst nightmare was finally where he belonged — in his limbo? Who cared about some young witch who happened to get caught in the pickle? Was Caroline the only one still digging the earth with her hooves like an enraged bull on the arena?
Elena… She had to be eager to free Bonnie, too, and yet — which was the deepest of the splinters in Caroline's bleeding soul — she seemed so enwrapped in her newly discovered love story with Damon that there was barely any space for extra thoughts, let along sadness. Jeremy — there was nothing he could do with no magic or anything he could offer, and when Caroline considered including him in her quest, Elena asked not to bother him and 'let him move on'. That stabbed Caroline so deeply she couldn't even summon any words to form a response, and after a few more seconds it just seemed like a redundant action altogether. She merely spun around and went to the car. Stefan was there, her trusted sidekick, and look how that ended.
Caroline wiped at the tears that began to creep down her cheeks again, and went to Contacts, flipping down the list of names. Before she fully comprehended what she was doing, her cell was dialing Tyler.
"Hey," an automatic smile touched her mouth as he picked up on the first ring.
"Hey, Caroline," he greeted, his breath a bit bated. She imagined he was jogging, shaking the tension as he tended to many times a day. "What's up? Bonnie back yet?"
Caroline surprised herself with a nervous laugh that escaped her like a burp escapes you unexpectedly at some public place. "No… Um… No, she's… Still nothing."
She sensed a wave of disappointment and sadness from the other end, or it was just her imagination. But his voice sounded really sad and void of the initial mood filled with hope for good news. "I'm so sorry. I wish I could help anyhow. But you, if there's anything I can do, please, tell me, okay? I really wanna help get her back if possible."
She smiled, her stupid tears began to pour anew, hot against her skin. "Thank you. I'm just…" She let out a shaky breath.
"Care," he cajoled, sensing she was crying. He always had that wolf ear for her moods. Unmistakably tuned. "Come on, it's not over yet, you know that. It can't be. Jeremy said she was alive, and Kai had to stop her, right? Like, it's what he went to do?"
"I hope so, and he better… It's just… so hard to sit here and know nothing! I wish I could peek, you know. And there's no way to find out. What if Kai actually…" Bailed on them, she wanted to say, but then remembered Jo's locator spells that came up with nothing. But then again, Kai himself couldn't find her when she was set on hiding. Hence the darn letter.
"He what?" Tyler asked. "You think he coulda fooled you all? I guess it's what Liv woulda thought."
"Oh… How is she?" Caroline wiped at her face with the back of her hand once again. "You spoke with her?"
"Uh, well, you could say that." A bit harsher tone, she noted, both hurt and angry. "I told her Elena gave her blood to heal her burns and wounds. And then… I uh… said we were done."
Something skipped and dropped in Caroline's tortured chest. A little shocking jolt. "What— Wait, you… you broke up with her? Now?!"
"Why, you think I should coddle her for wanting to die instead of letting me be there for her? Is that the dream relationship I want for myself? I begged her, Caroline. I blocked the way and begged her, reasoned with her, asked to just stay with me, to not kill herself and the rest of her family. That we could go through this together. That I'm there for her… You know, all that, like a whole damn collection of the soapy dramas you used to make me sit through, dozens in a row." She chuckled at the endearing memory. It made her feel a bit warmer for a second, and then went back to sadness for him. "But she knocked me out and left. Just left. And… I just… When I sat there watching her sleep, I tried to get over it, I swear I tried. I understand why she did it — hell, we all have those moments where pain's just too much. But I couldn't stay knowing she stepped over what I offered to her and chose her pain over healing with me. You know?"
"I do," Caroline said quietly, hurting for him. "I'm so sorry, Tyler. I know she loves you. She really loves you very much, she just couldn't overcome that one moment."
"I know! But it was, like, a key thing for me. Like… I dunno. What she did just sucked it out of me. I would look at her and remember that. Over and over. Obsess. And relive it. You have any idea how scared I was when I woke up on that damn floor and realized she was long gone? And that I had to beg to save her after what she did? And Bonnie… she got the bad ending because of it. It was too much. Maybe I'm selfish. I know I am. But I couldn't do otherwise."
"I don't blame you. I guess you're right in a lot of it. You got the right to feel like this. She needs to come to terms with how things are now, and if you cannot help with it, she will do it herself. Those Gemini girls are tough."
"Yeah, I bet. Well, hope she does it for herself. Find peace or some semblance. I need to find mine."
"You will. You both will."
"Thanks."
She felt he was smiling a little, and smiled too. She realized she would love to feel his embrace right now. She needed someone's warmth next to her, badly. She wanted to cry again and hated herself for it.
"You okay?" he asked. "I mean, it's been hard on you, too. With all going on… How you doing, Caroline?"
She pinched her lips for a moment, willing the tears to stall. Then took a slow deep breath. "Yeah, I'm trying. Was visiting Jo and Ric, tried to ask for help…"
"And? They will?"
"They do wanna help Bonnie, yeah. It's just that it's complicated, as always. That thingy for the prison world is broken, and Jo is hating Kai and her coven is unwilling to help. For as long as Kai's in, they don't care about Bonnie. Collateral."
"Yeah, I know what you mean. I met the bastard, their dad. He's something else. But hey, if you need any help convincing or just yelling at them, I'll gladly fight on your side. Just know I'm ready, a call away. Okay?"
She laughed softly, with grateful relief. "Thanks, yeah, I might need it."
"Just call when you need me. Even if now, I'll come. Where you at?"
"Oh, no, it's okay, really, it's kinda late. I'm… I think I need some sleep."
"Sure, okay. Just don't fret yet. Bonnie has to be fine. After everything she's been through? She's one tough cookie, just like you."
She laughed again. It was better than crying, even though her eyes still welled up. "Yeah. I know she's alive. I know. She'll get out of there. She has to. I really need her."
"You'll get her back, I promise. We'll do everything. Next time you meet the coven, let me know."
"Okay. Thank you. Really. I needed it."
"Any time. You know it. Get a good sleep."
With a bit of warmth easing the edges of her worries, Caroline curled up on her dorm bed, eyeing the fire still flickering in the hearth, and tried to sleep.
We're trying, Bonnie. We're gonna fight for you. Please, be alive. Please…
~~ Dear Readers!
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