Hello from the other-side
October 2023
Alison knew her alarm was set to go off any minute, but she just wanted a few more moments of drifting in the space between asleep and awake. She had been having a good dream and wanted to stay in the warmth of it for a few more minutes. It was a simple dream. She was having dinner with Bucky and Rebecca at this little noodle shop that had opened up last month. Alison sighed deeply and thought of how Bucky had been trying to show Rebecca how to use chopsticks. He was using his right hand to show Rebecca how to hold them. His left hand had been holding Alison's hand across the table. He looked so damn happy being with them, it was a smile that left her weak in the knees. Alison felt Bailey's twitching paws on her leg and smiled a bit, even the dog was having good dreams. Alison buried her face into her pillow and was debating if she could drift again and maybe pick up where she had left off. She was falling back into sleep and missed the sound of her bedroom door being opened and was trying to focus on the memory of Bucky's smile when the footsteps came over to the bed. However, there was no staying asleep after being jumped on and having a tiny voice scream mid air.
"JUPITER THUNDER CRASH!"
Alison was thankful Rebecca had landed on her and not poor Bailey. Bailey thought this was an excellent game and started licking Alison's face and Rebecca laughed.
"Surrender Negaverse scum or my sidekick will lick you to moon dust!" said Rebecca.
"Negaverse scum eh," said Alison and she grabbed Rebecca, pulled her on the other side of the bed and starting tickling her. "You are no match for my tickle attack Sailor Scout and no match for the raspberries," cried Alison and she blew a raspberry on Rebecca's neck.
"Oh no...ahhhhh! Help me faithful sidekick!" cried Rebecca. Bailey was done with the game now and jumped off the bed and headed out of the room.
"Well it looks I win Sailor Scout," said Alison and she blew another raspberry on Rebecca's neck.
"You aren't Negaverse scum...I was just testing you!" giggled Rebecca.
"Are you sure?" asked Alison and Rebecca pushed her dark curls out of her face.
"I could only be bested by another Scout," said Rebecca seriously. Alison tucked Rebecca's hair behind her ear and kissed her on the forehead. It was hard to believe that she was going to turn five in a few weeks.
"Which Scout am I?" asked Alison and Rebecca grinned.
"Mercury...because you're smart like her," said Rebecca.
"Oh she's really smart...you think I'm that smart?" asked Alison sitting up and Rebecca crawled into her lap.
"Yep," said Rebecca and she started playing with Alison's necklace. Alison turned off her alarm and put her head on Rebecca's.Might as well enjoy the cuddles while I can. I'm going to blink and she's going to pretend I don't exist in public when she's out with her friends.
"You did a big girl sleep. That's three nights in a row. Is the bunny light helping?" asked Alison and Rebecca nodded. "That's good."
Alison knew Steve thought Rebecca's nightmares were due to her watching old episodes of Sailor Moon that Alison had found in some of Renee and Sophia's things about two weeks ago, but it had been going on for about a month now. Rebecca would crawl into her bed after waking herself up from a nightmare or Alison would hear her crying in sleep and she would curl up in Rebecca's bed to calm her down. When asked what she was having a nightmare about, Rebecca said she couldn't remember. It hurt Alison to her core that their was something going on in her baby's mind and she didn't know how to fix it.Well that's why you're going to the doctor today...why we're both going to the doctor. Honestly I should have gotten a new shrink freaking ages ago...
"So we have a very busy day ahead. You have school today and I have work until lunch and than I'm going to come to your school and watch the Bluey concert with your class and we're going to talk to the doctor Uncle Bruce told us about," said Alison.
"About my sleeps?" asked Rebecca.
"About both our sleeps," said Alison. Rebecca looked worried and Alison hugged her.
"Mommy has trouble doing big girl sleeps too. It's just different for her. So we both are going to talk to Dr. Ming and see if she can help us with our sleeps," said Alison.
"Ok," said Rebecca sounding defeated...well she sounded like her father when he had to do something he didn't want to do and Alison grinned a little.
"Than after that we'll come home, order some pizza and watch more Sailor Moon," said Alison and Rebecca looked up a her grinning.
"Can we get stuffed crust?' asked Rebecca.
"I'll even order the mini cinnamon rolls since it's Friday," said Alison.
"Tomorrow we go see Aunt Natasha?" asked Rebecca.
"Yep and than we come home Sunday night and get ready for a whole new week," said Alison.
"Can I bring the bunny light and Chonk?" asked Rebecca. Chonk was a giant stuffed seal that had been a gift from Robert last year. Natasha had stuffed animals for Rebecca to sleep with at Headquarters, so she normally left Chonk here. The fact that she wanted both the bunny light and Chonk worried Alison. She stuffed the worry down and gave Rebecca another hard kiss on the head.
"I have to go take my shower. Go see if Gramps is up," said Alison.
"Ok." Rebecca climbed off the bed. "Can I Jupiter Crash him too?' asked Rebecca.
"Please don't Jupiter Crash your grandpa. We have to be gentle and kind with other people," said Alison. Rebecca sighed deeply, threw her head back and rolled her eyes before marching out of the room.
"She is sooo his daughter," muttered Alison.
…...
"I'm pretty sure her namesake had that little move down to an art form," said Bucky. He watched Alison get up and wince as she heard Rebecca yell JUPITER THUNDER BOLT!
"I SAID DON'T JUPITER CRASH GRANDPA!" yelled Alison.
"IT'S A THUNDER BOLT!" countered Rebecca.
"HOW IS THAT DIFFERENT?" asked Alison. Robert came into the room and held up a Nerf dart and Rebecca under one arm.
"I'm going to words with Nelson the next time I see him," said Robert. He put Rebecca down and Alison told her to go get her breakfast and feed Bailey. Rebecca went down the hall singing the Sailor Moon theme and Alison rolled her eyes.
"At least it wasn't from Rocket or it would have been a real laser," muttered Alison.
"I take she slept all night," said Robert.
"Yeah. She said the bunny light helps," said Alison sounding worried and Robert nodded. Bucky could see he wanted to say something, but at this point he knew that Alison needed to work it out in her head at least a little bit before she would talk to him. Alison went to take her shower and Bucky went down the hall to watch Rebecca. It was so odd to realize more and more that she was her own person, not just a mini version of him or Alison. It was overwhelming at times to see which parts of them she was taking with her. The eye roll was clearly a trait she got from his family. Bucky watched as Rebecca took her little step stool over to the counter and plugged in the toaster. Robert went over to start some coffee and grinned at her as she went through the bread box for the raisin bread.
"You sure you don't want help with that?' asked Robert.
"I can do it. I'm a big girl," said Rebecca. Alison had already gotten out a plastic plate and butter knife for her the night before along with the butter dish.
"You know even big girls can ask for help," said Robert. He was trying to keep his tone light, but Bucky could sense the worry in his voice.
"Alison used to say that all the time when she was little...clearly she got that from my side," said Jillian.
"I think it's a trait among Russian women. I don't think I ever heard Natasha ask for help either," said Bucky. He could remember her glaring at him when he shot her, but calling for help. Nope.
Rebecca put way to much butter on her toast and Robert handed her a juice box and a fruit cup. He sat down with his coffee and looked at her. Bucky wondered what he saw when he looked at her.
"Thanks Grandpa," said Rebecca and she started on her breakfast. There was a serious frown line on Robert's face,but he sipped his coffee. Clearly that father and daughter combo shared the habit of working though their issues internally until they had it almost all puzzled out.
"He's worried that she's taking after Alison too much. She was also a little serious at times for her age. He blames himself for that and well he wonders if Rebecca is a little too much of a Big Girl,"said Jillian. Bucky gave her a look and wonder if she had some mind reading powers she wasn't sharing with him. "He was talking with Steve about it after Alison went to bed."
"She just...if I didn't know any better I would say she gets some of that from Steve," said Bucky shaking his head. "Steve had to prove to everyone he could do everything...that's her," said Bucky.Stupid jerk is rubbing off on my daughter.
Bucky watched how hard Alison tried to walk that line between letting their daughter do things for herself and stepping in to help her. His own mother, while she loved him, had let him fail and hurt himself more than once in his childhood. Maybe she was hoping he would learn something. Alison was clearly trying to avoid any broken bones, burns or other broken things while their daughter was trying to learn. He had to admit he wouldn't have thought of the step stool or having plastic dishes for Rebecca.
Alison came in and started her own toast and poured herself a cup of coffee. Bucky saw her wince at the amount of butter Rebecca had put on her toast.
"Sweetie...not so much butter next time."Live and learn.
…...
Alison sat down on the chair across from Dr. Lisa Ming and took a deep breath. Bruce swore that he had known Lisa since they were in undergrad English together and that she had zero ties to SHEILD or Hydra. That she was a nice normal family therapist that would take both her and Rebecca for private sessions or group sessions when the time was right.
"It has to be odd for you being in that chair," said Lisa offering Alison a cup of tea.
"A little. I do counseling for the teens at Oakside. I also put them in touch with services they'll need until they finish college or trade school," said Alison.
"According to your intake forms you used to be a patient of Dr. Jess Louna," said Lisa and Alison nodded. She knew how intake appointments worked, it didn't make the feelings any less awkward or stressful.
"I was until...I found out she used to be Hydra doctor who helped brainwash my husband...well...he wasn't my husband at the time...he was...well technically he was sort of my patient at the time...you really need more than a page on your intake form for Reasons," said Alison and Lisa grinned slightly.
"I once had someone come in with a PowerPoint detailing their trauma from the age of 10," said Lisa and Alison nodded.
"I didn't have time to put one together," said Alison.
"Bruce told me a little bit about your relationship with James Barnes. While its not ideal for us to become romantic with our patients...you technically shouldn't have been treating him. You hadn't finished your degree. However, according to Bruce if Steve Rogers asks you do something...it's hard to say no. Bruce also said he tried warning James away from trying to have a romantic relationship with you," said Lisa.
"Clearly he took that warning and threw it out the window," said Alison. Lisa nodded and looked down at her notes.
"Rebecca is his daughter. How much does she know about her father?" Alison shifted in her seat and gathered her thoughts.She's not here to judge you. She's here to help you and to help Rebecca.
"A little. She knows her father is James Barnes. That people called him Bucky. That he and Steve were best friends...that he also was...that he was frozen like Steve and came back...that he died during The Snap. She knows he liked to dance. He liked science fiction stuff...he was taking art classes with Steve between jobs...we don't...she really hasn't asked a lot of questions and I don't know how to tell her everything," admitted Alison.
It was what kept her up some nights and deep down Alison knew she wasn't going to be able to keep everything about who Bucky had been from Rebecca. Hell kids these day were smart and Google was still a thing. One Google search would take Rebecca down multiple rabbit holes that Alison knew she had no control over.The SHIELD files. Documentaries. Reddit conspiracy theories. News stories...
"Have you tried bring him up?" asked Lisa.
"We have a little memorial set up in the family room for the people I knew who passed during The Snap. We go visit his grave three or four times a year. I tell little stories about us...well...cleaned up child friendly versions. Steve tells her stories from time to time about how they grew up. The looks she gives him...to be fair I don't think she can wrap her head around a time before TV," said Alison. She is feeling antsy and hides it by tucking her feet under her.
"He's been gone from my life longer than we were together...what time we really did get to spend together was semi hiding in a foreign country and being called criminals...and I loved him. I promised him I wouldn't do anything stupid if he didn't come back...if I hadn't been pregnant though...I don't...it would have been very hard to not take myself out had I not been pregnant," admitted Alison.
…...
If Bucky could cry he would have. Being forced from one battle to the next was hard enough. Not having any sort of rest of peace for over 70 years and than finally having a small fraction of happiness with Alison...to only have it ripped away. Part of it was his own fault. They would have had more time together had he not left after they had been kidnapped by Hydra. He had left thinking it would be easier than having to face what he had done and could have done to her while under their control. In reality being without her had been the hardest thing he had ever done.
In total he and Alison had barely had two years together. If he and Steve had told Tony what had happened in 1991 maybe they wouldn't have needed to go into hiding as criminals. Maybe she wouldn't be raising his daughter alone with Steve and her dad. Hell, maybe the whole world wouldn't be the shit show it was. Maybe if he had stay, Alison wouldn't be in this room admitting to thinking about taking her own life.
"Have you had any suicidal thoughts since?" asked Lisa and Alison shook her head no. "Did you have any postpartum issues?" asked Lisa.
"Some...my dad and Steve were there to help with Rebecca so I could eat, sleep and heal. I just felt like I had let down her...I was bring a baby into a half dead world...a half dead world that I didn't help stop... I never thought about hurting her though. I would have taken myself out before doing that," said Alison coldly. Bucky could see it...if he had still been alive and was given the choice between ending his own life and hurting his child it wouldn't be a question. He knew he shouldn't, but he went to reach out and touch Alison on her shoulder and she shivered.
"Cold?" asked Lisa.
"Just felt like the goose walked on my grave. If I didn't know better I would think it was Bucky following me around," said Alison. "I mean we have aliens and wizards...why not ghosts?"
"It's really annoying how fucking smart you are sometimes," muttered Bucky.
"Do you believe in ghosts?" asked Lisa.
"I honestly don't know what I believe on that front anymore...I used to eat Pop-tarts with a Norse God and a talking raccoon...both things that I would have said in my twenties are works of fiction or signs of a psychotic break," said Alison and Lisa had to hold back a laugh.
"So what goals do you want to set for yourself?" asked Lisa and Alison sighed.
"I guess I want to try to figure out how to be open with Rebecca about my grief. She never had her father, but I want her know that she can talk to me about him. I want to know what she's having nightmares about and that she can be open with me too about hard stuff...that no matter what it is I'll love her," said Alison.
"Ok. I'm going to go into our play area and talk with Rebecca for a little bit. You can watch us from this room on the laptop I'll set up. After we chat, I'll come back and talk with you about what we can try moving forward," said Lisa.
"Thank you," said Alison and she quickly wiped her eyes.
Bucky watched Lisa set up the laptop and in the room and Alison pulled her chair up to the table. Bucky sat down on the floor next to her and saw Rebecca was sitting by table and coloring. Alison was twisting the chain of the dog tags and Bucky wanted to take her hand.
"You're a good mom Ally...back in my day just keeping the kid alive was an act of God. You have done so much for her...honestly I never wanted to know who my dad was. I know my mom wanted to talk about him and I didn't wanna hear it. At least she doesn't have memories of me...I know you think that sucks, but honestly sometimes I wish I didn't have the memories I have of him," said Bucky.
Lisa walked into the room and introduced herself to Rebecca and sat down next to her.
"So I thought maybe we could draw some pictures together. How about we draw pictures of our family?" suggested Lisa. She handed Rebecca some paper and took some paper for herself.
"You know had drawing pictures been an option I would have taken it," said Bucky. "It probably would have been pictures of dead bodies or Skinny Steve, but it would have been a nice change over all the talking," said Bucky.
"So I have a wife and we have a little boy and we have a cat named Puffy. What about your family?" asked Lisa.
"I have my mommy and my grandpa...Uncle Steve and Aunt Natasha...sometimes we have Uncle Bruce...oh and there is Uncle Foggy and Aunt Marci...we have a dog named Bailey," said Rebecca.
"That's a lot of people. You know before The Snap I had a sister and my dad and my wife had two brothers. Why don't we draw another picture, but of people that were here from before," suggested Lisa.
Bucky watched as Alison leaned in and he could feel the tension rising off her. He looked at Rebecca and could see she was thinking really hard.
"Like the pictures mommy has at home?' asked Rebecca
"Yeah like that," said Lisa. Rebecca took another piece of paper and started drawing. Lisa took one and started drawing as well. "So who is going to be in that picture?" asked Lisa.
"My daddy,"said Rebecca casually and Bucky could see how hard Alison was trying to not cry. "He got Snapped when I was in my mommy."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. You know sometimes I get sad or mad when I think about my dad because I miss him. How do you feel about when you think about your daddy?" asked Lisa and Rebecca shrugged. "Do you get sad or mad too?"
"Sometimes I get sad...mommy misses him and so does Uncle Steve," said Rebecca.
"Are you sad because you miss him or are you sad because your mommy and Uncle Steve miss him?" asked Lisa.
"I don't know,' said Rebecca and Lisa nodded.
"Sometimes its hard when we have big feelings to figure out why we're having them. It's important to talk about our big feelings so we know what to do with them," said Lisa and Rebecca nodded.
"If you could ask your mommy anything you wanted about your daddy what would it be?" asked Lisa. Rebecca looked deep in thought for a long time and kept drawing her picture.
"I don't know," said Rebecca.
"Give a try," said Lisa.
"Did he like goats?" asked Rebecca. Alison started laughing so hard she was crying and Bucky had to grin too. Of all the questions he had been asked by people that was one no one had ever asked him. What was his favorite animal.
"Goats?" asked Lisa and Rebecca nodded.
"Mommy said they had goats when they lived on the farm and that daddy spoiled the goats. They have weird eyes and I don't like them. Did he like their goats?" said Rebecca and Lisa nodded.
"That is a very good question and I'm sure your mommy would be very happy to answer that question for you or any others you have about your daddy," said Lisa. Rebecca nodded and they kept coloring.
"Your mommy said you have been having trouble sleeping. Are you having dreams about your daddy or something else?" asked Lisa.
"Something else," said Rebecca and Bucky could see that her drawing of him was a copy from a picture Alison had on the shelf of him and her at her birthday party before they had been kidnapped. She was coloring his arm silver.I had my arm wrapped around shoulders.
"What is the something else?" asked Lisa. Rebecca bit her lip hard and Bucky wanted nothing more than to end the session. He could tell just how tense Rebecca's shoulders were that she was clearly scared of something.
"I don't wanna talk about it," said Rebecca flatly and Bucky felt a chill go through him. He had said those words once while locked in a cage. He knew how terrifying it was to open yourself up to the things that scared you.
"Ally just let her be...she'll tell you when she's ready," said Bucky.
"Oh sweetie what is going on up there?" asked Alison softly. Rebecca's grip on the crayon tightened and it snapped in her hand.
"Gentle...gentle," muttered Alison.
"I'm sorry," said Rebecca looking worried.
"It's alright. Just remember what I said about our big feelings. You can always talk to me or your mommy anytime you want," said Lisa. Rebecca nodded, picked up a new crayon and kept drawing.
"I'm going to go get your mommy and we'll see each other in two weeks," said Lisa. Alison quickly wiped her eyes and a few moments later Lisa came back.
"Have you ever considered getting her IQ tested?" asked Lisa.
"No. I don't want people to have exceptions of her based on a number," said Alison.
"She's very bright and very charming," said Lisa.
"The charming bit comes from her father," said Alison and Lisa grinned.
"I'm bright in my own way," muttered Bucky
"I looked over Rebecca's last physical and nothing there points to any physical abuse so I'm going to rule that out as the cause of her nightmares. She could be reacting to your and Steve's emotions about what happened to James. She is very empathetic, but it's hard at that age to understand the more complex feelings you both have about his passing," said Lisa.
"The joys of having a limited understanding of guilt," said Alison.
"I know it's going to be difficult for you to be more open with your emotions about James. It's hard to find the right balance of how much grief we should show our children. She knows you miss him though and that could be a starting point for a conversation between the two of you. What do you miss about him?" asked Lisa.
"The way he hugged me," said Alison.
"Damn it Ally," muttered Bucky.
"That might be a good starting place," said Lisa. Alison nodded and went to pick up her purse to head out.
"I do have one more question for you?" asked Lisa and Bucky saw Alison's spine stiffen.
"With James having received the Super Solider Serum have you noticed Rebecca showing any signs of physical enhancements?" asked Lisa.
"She rolled over at three months...crawling took a bit longer. She's been right where she needs to be for all her milestones. I don't think he passed that on to her," said Alison. She sounded calm, but Bucky knew better. Alison didn't want anyone outside of their circle knowing that they had both passed some of the serum side effects to Rebecca. She had ran a small fever while teething, but so far the kid had never caught a cold or flu bug that all her classmates would get at daycare. Alison had spent a year trying to show Rebecca how to do things gently before enrolling her in Pre K. Sometimes she would hold things too tightly and they would break. Bucky remembered Steve telling him that it took him forever to remember that he didn't have to hold things so tightly. That he had gone through an entire set of pencils the first week after the serum.I had to remind myself to not hold you tightly. Even than I left bruises on you before Steve gave you his blood,thought Bucky.
"I know that some of the side effects are also mental in nature," said Lisa.
"Me too," said Alison flatly and she left to collect their daughter.
…...
"They even played the Grannies song!" said Rebecca at dinner. She was telling Steve and Robert about the Bluey concert that had played today over streaming for kids all over the States. The orchestra that played today was made of what was left of the New York, Boston and Philadelphia orchestras. It still floored Alison a little bit to see how it took three states to fill a whole orchestra. It was a wonderful idea though to have the concert streaming so kids from all over could see it.They still get to have live music,thought Alison.
"It sounds like you had a really good time," said Steve.
"I wanna learn to play music like that," said Rebecca poking at her salad that Alison said she had to finish if she wanted the cinnamon rolls.
"Your mom could teach you the drum parts," said Robert and Rebecca shook her head.
"I liked the violins," said Rebecca and Alison nearly choked on water and Steve slapped her on the back.
"Thanks," said Alison and she tried to gather her thoughts."Violin is really hard to learn sweetie and you would have to be very, very careful and very very gentle with it."
"Oh," said Rebecca and Alison hated how small she sounded.I don't want her to have to hide who she is, but fuck...
"Let me think about it for a few days alright," said Alison. She could feel both her father and Steve looking at her and Alison had a rare moment where she wished they would both leave her be.
They finished up dinner and Robert went down to his workshop to try and fix a van for one of the guys he knew from the VA and Steve stayed with them and watched Sailor Moon until Rebecca fell asleep.
"I got her," said Alison when Steve offered to carry her to bed. Alison took her down the hall, put her in bed, made sure the bunny light was on and Chonk was in cuddle distance before giving Rebecca a kiss on the forehead and leaving the room. Steve had gone into the kitchen and opened a bottle of white wine. Even though she couldn't get drunk anymore or even get a good buzz, Alison liked having a bottle of wine on hand. Steve pulled one of Robert's beers out and sat down.
"How the session go?" asked Steve.
"Ok for an just a basic intake session. She thinks Rebecca is picking up on our vibes and maybe that's feeding into whatever nightmares she's having," said Alison.
"Vibes?" asked Steve.
"I forget you aren't surrounded by teens all day. Vibes sounds so much more entertaining than Dr. Lisa thinks Rebecca is picking up on all the feelings we have about what happened, but she can't put it into words since our big feelings are much bigger than what her almost 5 year old brain can handle," said Alison.
"And here I thought it was going to be something simple," said Steve.
"She also suggested that I try to be more honest with my feelings about losing Bucky. Try to get her engaged in more conversations about him," said Alison. Steve nodded and sipped his beer. "I also lied to her about Rebecca having any Serum gifts," said Alison and Steve sighed.
"She's...she's my baby...James's baby. I can't shut her away from the world and I have to keep her safe. I know you and my dad think I let her do to much," said Alison and she gave Steve a look when he started to open his mouth. "I hear you two idiots trying to whisper after you think I've passed out," said Alison. She got up and poured herself another glass of wine.
"I told my group this week that the hardest thing is taking the jump...that we have to keep taking all these brave baby steps in this new world and I thought of you and Tony," said Steve and Alison gave him a look.
"It's not enough that you're trying to figure all this out for yourselves...you have children who need to figure this life out too and trying to find that line can't be easy for either one of you,' said Steve. Alison sipped her wine.
"I mean I could have gone the Tony route...cabin in the middle of nowhere...I wonder if our hut is still in Wakanda...oh I also found out today that she thinks goats are creepy so that would have been fun," said Alison and Steve laughed.
"I mean have you seen their eyes?' asked Steve.
"Yes," said Alison dryly and Steve laughed again.
"So...the violin," said Steve and Alison shook her head.
"The universe likes fucking with me on a level I'm getting really tired of. I promise I'll really think about...like I'm already trying to think of where I can find a teacher for lessons. I want her to be herself...to find something good," said Alison and Steve finished his beer and put the bottle in the recycling.
"Do you wanna ride up with me and gang tomorrow to see Natasha?" asked Alison finishing the rest of her wine.
"I'll take my bike up...I might leave a little earlier than you," said Steve.
"Why you don't like our sing alongs?" asked Alison and Steve gave her a look.
"Stuck in a car for over two hours listening to K pop and J pop was mean and you know it," said Steve.
"You lost the coin toss fair and square," said Alison.
"Her father cheated at coin tosses and she does too," said Steve and Alison laughed.Not all the time,thought Alison.
…...
Alison had once told him if they were just two normal people she would have taken him on road trips since she had grown up taking them with her grandfather and later she had taken them with Matt, Sam, Renee and Sophia. Bucky had liked that idea. Just throw some bags in the car and see where they ended up. He had been with them when Alison and Robert had driven up to Niagara Falls with Rebecca for the first time when she was two. They had taken Rebecca on the Maid of the Mist and Bucky watched her eyes light up seeing the waterfall. They had gone to Maine this summer and while it hurt he loved seeing how much Alison and Rebecca loved the beach. Alison had showed Rebecca how to crack a lobster open and how to pull the meat out from the claw.I love watching you show her life,thought Bucky.
At the last minute Robert had decided not to go with them to Avengers HQ. He claimed that he couldn't get the timing chain to work on the van and Alison gave him a look that she wasn't buying that at all.
"You can repair an intergalactic spaceship with a rubber band and duct tape," said Alison.
"It is intergalactic duct tape," said Robert and he shrugged when that 'I'm not buying this' look deepened
"You need to be able to talk about her daddy freely and well you this will give you two a nice chunk of time to do that," said Robert.
"Does it have to be in the car?" asked Alison.
"Your mother and I had many meaningful conversations in the car," said Robert.
"I really dislike it when he lies that," said Jillian.
"Where did you have meaningful conversations?" asked Bucky.
"My lab or the shitty diner by lab with the good coffee and horrible pancakes," said Jillian.
"Fine. I'm taking Bailey though," said Alison.
"You're so mean," said Robert. Alison loaded up the car and sent Natasha a text that she hoped to be their before dinner.
Bucky took the free passenger seat while Rebecca and Bailey sat in the back. For a large chunk of the trip her and Rebecca listened to all the pop music Alison had listened to growing up. Buck knew Alison could sing, but hearing her sing loudly and off key did make him smile a little bit. Bucky could see it in Alison's eyes though that she was thinking really hard and he wondered if the car was the best place to have meaningful conversations. Alison put the music on pause and Bucky could see she was gathering herself.
"So I told you last night that I would think about you learning the violin...and I thought about it...it might take me some time to find you a teacher, but maybe we could go look at some violins next weekend and I could show you how to read the notes to play," said Alison.
"For real life?" asked Rebecca and Bucky had to grin as Alison smiled at her.
"Yes for real life," said Alison and Rebecca let out a happy scream. "Not in the car sweetie."
"Sorry," said Rebecca with a grin.
"You have to remember though that we need to be gentle with it and that its going to be lots of hard work. When I started learning to play the drums my grandpa had me get up early every morning to practice before school and than he had me practice at night after I had finished my homework and that was on top of practicing at school when I got older," said Alison and Rebecca's eyes got huge.
"I wanna do it,' said Rebecca and she sounded so serious. Alison nodded and was about to turn the music back on and thought better of it.
"You know...I had to help your daddy learn to be gentle when I was trying to teach him how to play the guitar," said Alison. Rebecca looked at Alison and Bucky couldn't make out the expression on her face.
"Really," asked Rebecca.
"Remember how I play the guitar with my right hand, but have to hold the neck and turn the keys with my left hand?" asked Alison and Rebecca nodded. "Well because of his left arm we had to be very careful when he was playing or he could break it. So I had to teach him how to be gentle when playing," said Alison.
"Oh...how did you teach him?" asked Rebecca. Bucky smiled softly as Alison described teaching him how to play.
"I had to keep telling him to keep his left hand loose, but not too loose and that he need to sit up straight. That was the hardest part he kept wanting to slouch and huddle over it. He kept wanting to keep his wrist stiff on the sound hole,' whined Alison and Rebecca laughed.
"I loved teaching him even though he didn't learn at lot. I think he liked hearing my play more than he liked learning," said Alison.
"You're right. I did," admitted Bucky.
"Did you try to teach him anything else?" asked Rebecca and Alison laughed.
"He said my drums were too loud and that was the only other instrument I know how to play. We learned how to speak Wakandan together...he taught me how to make potato soup the way his mom made it for him. Maybe we could make that together next weekend?" suggested Alison.
"Ok mommy," said Rebecca.
Bucky could tell Alison was trying not to cry. He could remember them curled up together on their small bed in the little SHIELD base before they all went their separate ways, looking over Wakanda grade school books together teaching other how to speak the language. He had caught on a little faster than her and teased about her endless. He remembered showing her in their home in Wakanda how to make the potato soup and bemoaning the fact that they both missed American bacon.
Alison turned the music back on and Bucky could tell she was struggling to not cry. She sang along with Rebecca and her hands were shaking on the wheel.
"Will it ever stop fucking hurting," muttering Alison.
"What?" asked Rebecca.
"Just talking to the mouse in my pocket," said Alison cheerfully and she turned up the music. "Oh this is a great one!"
When your feelin' sad and low
We will take you where you gotta go
Smilin', dancin' everything is free
All you need is positivity!
Colours of the world
Spice up your life
Every boy and every girl
Spice up your life
People of the world
Spice up your life
There were getting close to HQ and there was a van blocking the path.
"What the hell," muttered Alison slowing down and turning the radio off.
"Who is it?" asked Rebecca.
"I don't know," said Alison. There was a man knocking at the gate and Alison stopped the car. She handed Rebecca her phone.
"Call Uncle Steve and don't leave the car," said Alison sternly. She reached under her seat and pulled over a stave. Alison got out the car and locked it.
"What hell are you doing?' snapped Bucky following behind her. Clearly the man hadn't heard her yet over his own yelling and banging.
"HI! HELLO IS ANYONE HOME! THIS IS UMMM SCOTT LANG! WE MET A FEW YEARS AGO AT THE AIRPORT! IN GERMANY. I WAS THE GUY WHO HAD A MASK AND GOT REALLY BIG SO I LOOK DIFFERENT! HELLO!"
"No," muttered Alison and she dropped her weapon. Bucky was sure she was about to faint since all the color had left her face.
"Oh come on that can't all be gone," said Scott kicking the van tire.
"We're not," said Alison. Scott turned around and looked stunned to see her.
"Alison...is that really you?" asked Scott. Alison was frozen to spot and Scott put his hands on her shoulders and shook her.
"Hey...um...long time no see...I...were you listening to the Spice Girls just now. I thought I was having a bad audio hallucination...I mean I've been driving for like a week and that much Red Bull can't be good for your liver or your any part of your body...I mean...you never stuck me as a Spice Girls person..." Alison pulled Scott in close and started sobbing.
"Hey...hey...hey...it's ok," said Scott giving her a hug. Scott looked like he was fighting his own tears. Bucky was beyond confused. Scott Lang was dead. Had been Snapped just like him and countless others. What was he doing here now? How was he here?
"Mommy...Uncle Steve and Aunt Natasha are coming down," called Rebecca after rolling down the window.
"Mommy?" asked Scott pulling away with a small smile and Alison let out a something between a sob and laugh.
"Yeah...Yeah...give it another a year I'll probably be Dude or something else," said Alison wiping her eyes.
"Did...did Bucky..." started Scott and Alison shook her head quickly and Scott pulled her back into the hug. "I'm so sorry...I'm so god damn sorry."
"Scott?" asked Steve and Alison took a step back as Steve and Natasha opened up the gate.
"How?" asked Natasha.
"It's a long story...like...can we go inside long?" asked Scott. Steve and Natasha got in Scott's van and Alison got back in the car and Bucky could tell she was beyond being in shock.
"Who is that?" asked Rebecca sounding worried.
"An old friend," said Alison softly.
…...
Alison made Rebecca some nuggets, sat her down in her old room with the tablet and promised her she could stay up late, but she needed to have some grown up time right now so she needed to stay put in this room. Steve and Natasha were explaining to Scott what had happened and Alison wanted to know how in the hell was Scott Lang alive.
"You just hang out with Bailey and don't give her more than two nuggets," said Alison.
"Ok," said Rebecca and she looked at Alison wide eyed. Alison could only imagine how she looked to her daughter. Pale, pink eyed and beyond flustered.Maybe I have finally snapped. Maybe I have finally lost my mind. I just hugged Scott Lang. Scott Lang...the clearly not dead Scott Lang. How...it's not possible. Where has he been the last five years,thought Alison.
She found Scott, Steve and Natasha in one of the meeting rooms and Scott was pacing back and forth and muttering to himself.
"Did you get her settled?" asked Natasha.
"I gave a screen and nuggets. She's in heaven," said Alison sitting down.
"Scott...are you ok?" asked Steve and Alison wanted to start laughing.None of us have been ok since 2018,thought Alison. Scott rubbed his face and nodded.
"Um...yeah...yeah...so um...have any of you studied quantum physics?" asked Scott.
"Only to make conversation," said Natasha and Scott looked at Steve and Alison.
"No," said Steve.
"I might have read a book about Erwin Schrodinger out loud to put Rebecca to sleep," said Alison. Scott nodded, clearly he could work with that.
"Ok...so five years ago...right before...Thanos...I was in a place called the quantum realm. It's like it's own microscopic universe. To get in there you have to be incredible small," said Scott.Ok...so he made himself very small like an episode of Magic School Bus...yeah...yeah that sounds sane,thought Alison.
"Hope...she is...she was...she was supposed to pull me out...but Thanos happened and I got stuck in there," explained Scott.
"How did you get unstuck?" asked Alison.
"Someone turned the portal back on...I don't know who or how. The van was parked on the roof and I came out in a storage unit," said Scott.
"I'm really sorry Scott," said Natasha. "That must have been a really long five years for you."
"But that's just it. It wasn't," said Scott and Alison felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. "It only felt like five hours...the quantum realm...time isn't like it is here. It's unpredictable. Everything is unpredictable. I'm sorry is anyone going to eat that sandwich?" asked Scott. Without waiting for an answer Scott went over to the table and ate half the sandwich in one bite.
"Scott. What do you mean?" asked Steve and he was using what Alison had dubbed the Captain Voice.
"What I'm saying is time works differently in the quantum realm. The only problem is right now we don't have a way to navigate it, but what if we did?" asked Scott.
"You would have been able to get yourself out for starters," said Alison.
"More than that...what if we could control the chaos...navigate it. What if we could enter the quantum realm at a certain point in time and than exit it at another point in time. Like before Thanos," suggested Scott.
"Wait. Are you talking about a time machine?" asked Steve.
"No...no...not a time machine...more like...yeah...yeah a time machine," admitted Scott.
"Scott...you've had a really big shock. You clearly haven't slept or eaten anything of substance in days," said Alison.A time machine, a wishing star, a magic school bus, a magic wand, the Silver Crystal, a bad dream...trust me I have thought about all of those things that would make this not the world we are living in,thought Alison.
"No...I can't stop think about it. There has got to be a way somehow. I know it's crazy," said Scott.
"Scott...I get emails from a raccoon so nothing sounds crazy anymore," said Natasha.I mean this might be the least creative time machine theory I ever heard. Franklin and the time ribbon theory was way more entertaining,thought Alison.
"So who do we talk to about this?" asked Scott.
"Ms. Frizzle. Dumbledore. Chronos. Shiva. The Fairy Godmother...pick whatever version you like. Sailor Pluto...hell let's Facetime Thor. Maybe he knows another time god or goddess we can speak with," said Alison.
"Ally," started Steve.
"No...no...this is insanity and I'm speaking from a place of experience on this topic," said Alison. "Anyone else who did time in mental facility can raise their hand," said Alison holding up her own.
"Look I said it sounds crazy, but maybe," started Scott.
"No...no...I...I...I...they tried to mulligan this," said Alison pointing back at forth at Steve and Natasha.. "Five years ago. I didn't work. I know how much this sucks. I woke up from six week coma in 2012 after the first invasion happened and for over a decade I have been trying to make peace with how much everything can fucking suck. It's going to take some time to find little bits of happiness again...," said Alison and Natasha cut her off.
"Are you really happy?" asked Natasha.
"It's a cookie from the bakery by the school. It's towels right out of the dryer. It's being able to finish a cup of coffee while it's still hot. It's a solo walk with Bailey. It's being able to sleep through the night at least twice a week without my own nightmares or my kid having them. It's watching Rebecca's face light up when she finds something new and exciting...it's..."It's a hug. It's having your hand held. It's wanting to look over and go 'did you see that? Look at her...isn't she freaking cool. We made her.'Alison felt Steve squeeze her arm and she looked up at him. He looked torn between hope and worry.
"I've spent the last eighty some years trying to find those little bits of happiness...they're nice. You would go insane if you didn't have those moments. It's not the same as being honest to god, deep in the gut happy. I don't know if I will ever have that again...you can though...if we can do this...you deserve to win the lottery again," said Steve.
"The House has a way of winning every time," said Alison. She broke away from Steve and went back upstairs to her room. She took several deep breaths before going back in the room.Keep it thought...just keep it together.Rebecca had finished her nuggets and Bailey was licking the plate they had been on.
"That's enough of that," said Alison taking the plate and sitting it on the desk. She sat down next to Rebecca and cuddled up close to her. "So what did I miss?" asked Alison.
"They got to meet Sailor Venus!" cried Rebecca.
"Oh that's awesome," said Alison. Bailey jumped on the bed and put her head on Alison's hip and the dog let out the biggest sigh when Alison started rubbing her ear with her free hand.This is all the happiness I'm going to have. This is it...and I can't risk it...I can't.
…...
Bucky sat on the floor and watched them sleep. Bailey was firmly asleep on Alison's legs. Rebecca was asleep next to Alison, one arm flopped over Alison's chest. He didn't know how Alison could sleep with all that weight on her.She used to sleep with you and that heavy ass hunk of metal the Russians called an arm on her. How the hell would I sleep in that bed with all of them? No...no...she's right what Scott is suggesting is crazy...I'm dead. This is clearly Hell or Purgatory and...there is no coming back.
Still...what if Scott's idea wasn't crazy. How long would it take them to make it work? What about finding the Stones. Scott said time worked differently in the Quantum Realm. Would it take them years or decades to do it?
Clearly Alison didn't believe it and could he really blame her? He knew she loved him and that she missed him. Hope was a cruel thing to be dangled in front of someone who had so little left to lose. How many times had he hoped when he had be in Azzano to be saved or to be killed? How many times did he want to die before he gave into the brainwashing? No. He couldn't blame her for not taking the hope being offered. It could just as easily be taken away and what are you left with?
Rebecca started to whine and than to cry. Alison took a second to stir and reached over to her.
"Shush...shush...it's ok...I'm right here," said Alison softly. Rebecca rubbed her face on Alison's arm.
"They came back and Snapped you," whispered Rebecca. That clearly woke Alison up and she somehow managed to pull Rebecca close to her without moving her legs and waking up Bailey.
"Is that what you've been having nightmares about?" asked Alison rubbing Rebecca's back and she nodded. "Sweetie...no one is going to Snap me away. I'm going to be here for a long, long, long time," said Alison.
"Promise," asked Rebecca starting to fall back asleep.
"I promise." said Alison and she kissed her on the forehead. It wasn't long until Rebecca was back asleep.
"You know I used to tell your daddy we really should leave some nightmares for other people. He would have bad dreams and I would talk him back to sleep. I would have bad dreams and he would pulled me close and rub my back until I went to sleep...he made me warm milk once..."
Song-Spice Girls-Spice Up Your Life
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