XXIV: The Visitor
Mention of my pregnancy was still kept silent. It appeared that his personal staff and mine were the only ones privy to it.
My figure was hidden beneath clothes befitting Arrakis, with draped linen and cotton dresses unfitted and flowy. Not that I was complaining. Finally, I was comfortable and kept cool in the desert heat.
Vishti forced the tablet vitamins into my hand every morning once I ate breakfast.
Those tablets must have been magically gifted. Like a witch had cursed them.
All of the sudden my stomach was no longer apart of the body I knew but pushed out on its own course. I noticed the change in my abdomen. My hands were able to cup below and above it very distinctly as Feyd's heir made itself at home in my womb.
There were few women on Geidi Prime - the black sun planet - that came to the Baron's castle pregnant. It was seldom that I recalled a woman's belly being so pushed out. How long it would grow until the baby escaped, I had no idea.
Would it be soon that I exploded? Or would my body continue to grow and grow until a full infant just detached my stomach and stepped onto the floor?
Feyd became so busy during the days. He dragged me to every appointment with him. Or tried to. I'd tire quicker in the day. He'd frown when my eyes became heavy early in the evening- the only personal time we were allowed now that Arrakis demanded more of his attentions.
One day I was permitted - after much pleading - to be allowed to remain on my own.
Feyd did not like it. At all.
But he'd been called to assess the damage of a recovered spice harvester attacked by the Fremen and was given no choice. I did not withstand the heat well. The doctor had warned against my body being exposed too long. It would risk the safety of my uterus. So, he had no choice but to leave me behind.
He held me close in our last parting moments. A few hours was not so long. It had been a long while since we'd been parted for that length of time. The act of parting itself was difficult.
"Do not leave the castle, sweetness."
"I know." I groaned. "How many times do you have to say that? I know not to leave."
"It is not safe," he said again.
"Yes, na-Baron."
He frowned. His eyes glared at my lips.
"I should drag you with me. The doctor has no place giving me orders."
"He only said what was best for your heir," I remarked gently.
"Our daughter," Feyd corrected swiftly. "It is our daughter."
My lips frowned. "Do you intend to correct me every time? You do not know for certain it is a girl. It may well be a son."
"It is not."
"We do not need to delude ourselves on what the future holds, Feyd. It will come sooner than we both will like."
To this, he said nothing.
His hand clenched mine. The time to leave was upon us. The men were ready. They stood in lines, waiting for his orders.
Feyd instructed them to bow to me. They obliged.
"They need not honor me. They need only follow you, and for that, you must join them."
He did not like it in the least. He showed his dislike with a low snarl. "I know what I must do."
Feyd pulled me into a ragged kiss. It was not gentle nor kind.
Then he stomped away without another word.
My feet lingered until my eyes did not spy any shadow or shape that might be him. I remained in place. In wait of him. As he always believed I was.
I would wait for Feyd until the sun burnt out if I had to.
For the first time in ages, I managed to slip away to the kitchens to visit Aishti. She was the one I wanted to see most in my freedom. There were many questions I had for her.
She was the only one I would trust with answers. Her mothering was unlike any I understood. There was no natural way I could become a good mother. I was far too gone for repair. But Aishti. Somehow, she overcame her demons to be a better woman.
I could not do it myself. I only knew to mimic her actions. I'd copy her style, mirror her words and tone, recycle all the information I gained to present my child with what they deserved: a chance. A chance at love. A chance to be normal. A chance I never had.
Aishti was not in the kitchens. My feet shuffled around the bustling work I knew to avoid. Her usual place was empty. The piles of prepared laundry for the guest rooms were not complete. They were too small.
"Aishti," I said to one of the Harkonnen maids. Her bald pale head jerked ahead. The woman was young, younger than I. "Aishti. Where is she?"
"My lady." The maid murmured. "She's gone out to clean the linens."
I followed her pointed finger toward a door nestled in the back corner of the large open room. It was unblocked by any debris of the happenings of the kitchens. The ones who entered from it only showed an obvious sheen to what little skin was exposed.
Outside?
I'd picked up on a few native words from time with Vishti and Aishti. " taht alshams," I questioned.
The Harkonnen maid gave a slow nod.
It did remind me of what I'd told Feyd. Or rather, what he told me not to do
But it would be quick. Fast. Just to see Aishti. My friend.
I plunged out into the dry heat. It burst against my cheeks like the blast of a fire. My lips became brittle and achy against the pushing air of the desert.
The grit caressed atop my bare naked flesh. It slithered, like the brush of fingertips over me.
The deserts reach. A calling out into its sands.
Murmurs of the wind were like honey dripping promises. Spirits of the suns scorch called me deeper into their lands, blessed and dry, for a taste of my new blood. It had not tasted one like me before. The taste allured it to call out to me.
I thirst.
My mind snapped closed.
It is the desert. Everyone thirsted.
There were corded lines wrapped in mazes in the back grounds of the castle. The linens and clothing of the castle were strung from them. The wind slapped the sheets in an applause.
A flick of the wind sent the large fabric taut.
I stumbled through the rows until I found a small brown woman beating a large paddle against a thick woven blanket. Her mouth expelled little grunts as she swung the handle. How she managed to use her strength to do that, was like magic.
I watched on in marvel of her power until she caught sight of me and paused her work with a blink of surprise.
"My lady." Her head bowed.
"I didn't want to interrupt." I stepped close. Her hands lowered the paddle to the ground. I gestured at it. "How do you manage a thing like that? You are so small."
Aishti proudly smiled as it was hoisted onto her shoulder. "Ah. This. This is why I am so strong."
"Physically?"
Looking at her, she did not ring of strength. Her arms were slender. The veins of her hands were very obvious through the thin flesh.
"That, too." She smiled. "It does me wonders. I swing this and I do not feel so sad."
"Really?"
I observed the tool in doubt. It was nothing special. A wooden staff and flattened wood paddle top. There were holes through the flat part.
Sad was not an emotion I felt. Not really.
But, maybe it would aid my other ones?
Aishti shifted. "Would you like to try, my lady?"
My brows jumped. "You would let me?"
Feyd gave orders that I not be given any weight to carry. Vishti treated me as a piece of glass. I was not allowed an ounce of strain. Not even my own dresses could be hoisted over my head without assistance!
Aishti's brilliant eyes shifted around. The flickering of distrust in our surroundings, or the suspicion of eavesdropping, I was unsure.
She was a confident woman. She managed to smile and shrug in a way that calmed the quaking on my flesh.
"It would serve you well, yes? I can see you need it." She handed the tool over. "Not too long. We are spared suns light but it's heat, it is still deadly."
The paddle was heavy in my grasp.
It was heavier when I had to swing it.
I felt it settle in my forearms as it hit. My palms burned and ached.
Aishti watched as I hit. Over and over, I swung. It made me feel things. What, I don't exactly know, but some things shook loose. As sweat cascaded down my arms and legs and back, I was overwhelmed with unspeakable, unexplainable emotions.
A single strike pulled a yell from my throat. Every one after had me yell louder.
"Enough." Aishti touched my shoulder. I swung again. "Enough, Lady. You will hurt."
I'd only just began.
"No."
"My lady, stop."
Whatever it was built inside me as a dam. I felt it coming. The strong wave was nearly there.
Aishti stepped in the way of my swing. Her tiny body in between my target and my weapon. I dropped the paddle into the sand.
We stared at the space between our bodies, the paddle laid within the distance.
"Better?"
It was…something.
There was a swirling storm. It battled my calm with rippling waves texturing the surface, not yet breaking through, but stirring. Currents were formed. The steel blue calm turned to a stormy green waters.
I did not know what it was. Relief did not describe it.
Aishti pulled blanket from the line. The corners folded together until it was compacted into a small thick square. She tossed it into a woven basket.
"Can I help you?" I asked her. "I'll not tell a soul."
"You must rest, Lady. Your body needs its rest."
I frowned. "Because I'm pregnant."
Aishti nodded. She gave a kind smile. "A blessing and a curse, yes?"
My eyes flashed brightly. "Yes. Yes, that is how I feel. How did you know?"
"It was the same for me," she said.
We stepped back inside the kitchen. Our presence largely ignored. It aided the privacy of conversation that I could not have with others around.
I did not know Feyd's reasoning for keeping it secret, but since it was his own child, I allowed his wants to matter more.
Aishti pulled a twisted loaf of bread from a nearby cabinet. The pressure rebuilt in a sharp whiney noise as it was closed.
We split the pieces with small nibbles of the day-old bread. It tasted chewy. Not fresh, but still good.
"With Musa. I was sick all the time. My bowels did not work. The ache in my back. That still has not gone way. Ah." She waved her hand passively. "The child is the blessing. The curse is carrying them for months."
Oh.
I had meant that the curse was actually having a child.
Of course, Aishti was a better woman than I.
I shifted in my seat, looking at the crumbs of fallen bread atop the table. "I'm not so sure about myself."
"No woman is," she said. Confidently. Without a doubt.
"Really," I deadpanned.
"Is a new journey. One that is different for each of us. Like death. It is good to fear it," Aishti explained. "You will feel different when you see them for the first time. The pain of their birth will burn your heart to ash, and the sound of their cry will grow it anew. Never to be the same."
That did not sound so bad.
I needed a heart.
A new one.
"So. I might learn to love?"
Aishti's face lit with a grin. Her hand crossed the distance of the table and grasped my hand. "Of course you will. It will be the greatest love you know. Instant."
I had my doubts.
It took ages for me to feel a thing toward Feyd. He practically made it impossible for me not to feel that way.
A baby was not capable of that psychological warfare. How would I ever know to love it, if it did not force me to?
"Have you heard of mothers who did not?"
"Some," she said. "It came in time. They took longer to return normal. Extra patience, extra help. Carrying a child is a different journey for all. Our bodies are not the same. But they all, all, love them."
Aishti reassured me that there was no possibility that I would not become infatuated with the infant I birthed them. I doubted her conviction, but still. It gave me hope. Hope that if everyone else had overcome their struggles, I could to. I could learn to love something without a fight. It would just be.
Feyd held me on a pedestal that he did not consider it possible for my mothering to be subpar. He marveled at the child I'd birth, how much it would look like me, and how they would be spoiled with his attentions.
It was so much pressure. I held Feyd's lineage on my shoulders. He had high expectations for the legacy he created. The whole Imperium would - if he was successful - and that all depended on me. A child I made with him.
A woman with no memory, no family, nothing but darkness, held the weight of his royal bloodline like it was not an impossible feat.
How could I manage to be a mother? I rarely understood myself. Now I must understand an infant.
I'd promised myself to try. For Feyd's sake.
I knew what was at stake if he failed. If we failed.
The monsters would eat him alive.
Word of Feyd's return traveled the castle. The servants in the kitchens all turned hyper. They moved quick. Tasks began to start. Food and drink were pulled from the stores. The noise grew loud as if in a sudden uproar.
Feyd always went to his quarters to return his weapons and armor back in their place before he went about his day. I went to wait for him there. A sort of surprise, since I had not been beckoned to be presented to him upon return. He'd be anxious since we had not been separated in a while. Now that I was pregnant, his anxiety turned to rage in a split second.
The doors of his chambers opened at the touch of my hand. The rooms laid still. I'd beat him there.
I made my way to the bed to await him, when a flash of pale flesh caught my attention. Atop the freshly made sheets was a body - Harkonnen by the skin tone - naked, sprawled, and not Feyd. They were a female with their legs toward the door. Their head was tipped back toward the headboard. They did not acknowledge my entrance. At first.
"Like what you see, na-Baron?" Purred from a woman's throat. "You may touch. Among other things, if you like. I am yours to use."
A woman! In Feyd's bed! In his locked rooms!
Hot anger boiled up from my insides.
Did he lock her in here for a quick romp while I was in belief he was gone? She was unblemished in the flesh, so I knew he hadn't had his way with her. Yet.
The silence perked the woman's head. A face I knew, revealed to the light. The young lady Bondar.
I KNEW IT, my insides screamed.
"Oh. Lady Mintha."
Her voice lacked all surprise. There was not a shred of dignity that she tried to cover in my presence. If anything, she allowed her knees to fall further apart to show her sex to me.
It was smooth. There was a lack of fluffy black hair like mine. Hers was so obvious, unashamed of its bare sleek lips.
"The na-Baron is not here."
I calmed my ragged breaths. "I can see that."
"Seeing is not all the na-Baron will do once he returns."
Anger sparked higher. Anger that turned to rage.
"Do not worry. I won't take your place as lady in court," she murmured. Her full lips pursed with a cat-like smile. "Beneath him is the only place I want to be." Her tongue went into her cheek, proud of what she'd said. "Or above. Whatever way he wishes to take me."
Above. Ha!
If he let her climb onto his lap to ride him as I had, I'd pierce his gut.
Actually. I glanced at the weapons wardrobe. The fury of my insulted pride moved me toward the drawer. It held many beloved daggers, all bloodthirsty and eager. I pulled a long sleek blade from the drawer.
The elder Bondar daughter stiffened as I approached her with the dagger in my hand. I placed it just against her thigh. It was the closest to reach from the edge of the bed. I refused to climb in the same bed as her naked form.
I caressed the dull edge of the dagger down her thigh. "Stay here. Do not move or give any indication of my presence. Wait for the na-Baron to return."
She audibly swallowed.
"If you tell him I am here or do not attempt to seduce him, I will slit your legs and let you bleed out. Do you understand?"
"Yes, my lady."
My lady. She had changed her tone with a simple show of a blade.
Interesting.
I stepped away from the bed. The cool metal left her thigh. She snapped them closed.
"Where will you be?" She asked.
"I will be where he cannot see me," I explained.
Feyd would not think to look for me. Not when a naked woman offered herself so easily in his bed.
He'd forget to be cautious of his surroundings. He'd forget all about me. He'd not consider a trap laid for his lust.
I slipped into a darkened corner just behind the main doors. He would walk straight to his bedroom, which I could see from my position: the bed, part of the wardrobe. Her body, that too in my sight.
The weight of the dagger was lighter than air. It knew it would taste its master's blood. Black ink would coat its silver metal body as it stabbed right through Feyd's right shoulder.
I would not kill him. No, he did not do me that favor.
I'd only wound him, as he's done me. A wound that would never heal.
The sound through the corridor was that of Feyd. His heavy footfall shook the floor. It grew stronger as he neared. I felt it ascend my legs as I stood there, brimming with anger that I could have burst out and stabbed him right there.
He opened his chamber doors with haste. The quick footfall went straight to his bed chambers without a look of doubt inside. Swords clanked as he walked. The weight of his gear on his body added to the thunder of his violent footsteps.
Then it all ended with the soft alluring hum of a woman's lips like a seductive moan.
"What are you doing here?" Feyd barked. He turned around. I stepped close to the furniture, blending with the black shadows of the room. "How did you slip past my guards?"
The daughter Bondar rose. Her naked breasts were firm and close to her chest. They, too, were smooth and perfect against her chest. They did not jiggle like mine did.
I grew hot and frustrated the longer he stood there. Not killing her.
"I showed them what you will get to touch," she hummed.
Her hand reached out. She rolled her tongue back in her mouth, beckoning him closer.
"You shouldn't be here." Feyd growled.
Not aggressively enough.
"But I am." The daughter Bondar smiled. Her seductive tongue again peaked from her lips to entice him closer. "I am yours to use how you like, my na-Baron. Your lady will never know."
How easy it would be, if I was not privy to the moment, for Feyd to take her as a lover without my knowledge. He could live another life with her when he separated from me.
My hands gripped the hilt of the dagger. I couldn't watch any longer.
I managed to remember my lightest step to approach his turned back. This would end.
Now.