Chapter 23: A Roast to the Gods

As Ace and the gang sprinted through the streets, dodging debris and panicked townspeople, Stanley huffed, "Why are we running? Can't we just let the stone guardians take the mask?"

"That won't work," Tina shot back, pulling out the ancient scroll mid-stride. "If they take the mask, it will still hold the power of Gygax."

"Gesundheit!" Ace quipped. "I'd offer you a tissue, but I used the last one earlier wiping guano off my shoes."

Stanley groaned. "Ace, can we be serious for one second?"

"Serious is my middle name," Ace declared, before grinning. "Well, actually, it's Ventura, but you get the idea."

Tina rolled her eyes. "Stanley's right. Besides, Dorian and Lois still have more masks. If we let this one go, we'll be defenseless."

"Yeah, and I don't know about you, but I like having a face that isn't being chewed on by a flying rock monster," Ace added, dodging a swipe from a guardian closing in behind them.

Tina clenched the scroll tightly. "We need to find a way to stop the mask's power once and for all. Otherwise, this whole city is doomed."

"Right. No pressure," Stanley muttered.

Ace grinned, skidding to a dramatic stop. "Oh, don't worry, folks. I've got a plan."

Tina and Stanley exchanged wary glances.

"That's what I was afraid of," Stanley said.

As Ace, Tina, Stanley, and Milo zigzagged through the chaos, they managed to lose the stone guardians in the maze of Edge City's back alleys. Panting, they finally stopped behind an old fish market, the scent of day-old tuna lingering in the air.

"Okay, I think we lost them," Stanley wheezed, hands on his knees.

"Ugh, of all places to hide, did it have to be the one that smells like a mermaid's armpit?" Ace groaned, fanning his nose.

Tina pulled out the ancient scroll, scanning its faded text. "Alright, we need to act fast. If we don't stop the masks, this city will be permanently overrun by chaos and flying stone monsters."

"No offense, but it kinda already is," Stanley mumbled.

"Don't worry, folks," Ace said, standing tall with a smirk. "Ol' Acey has a plan."

Tina crossed her arms. "Does this plan involve you turning into a bowling ball and knocking them over like pins?"

"No, but that is now Plan B," Ace replied with a wink.

He knelt down and dramatically rolled out the scroll on the dirty pavement. "This thing said we needed to find the temple, right? Well, what if I told you we don't need the temple?"

Tina furrowed her brow. "What are you talking about?"

Ace grinned and tapped the scroll. "The temple wasn't just built to contain the mask's power—it was designed to reverse it."

Stanley blinked. "And...?"

"And," Ace continued, "it wasn't the temple itself that had the power—it was what was inside it."

Tina's eyes widened as she pieced it together. "The Mask of Balance."

"Ding ding ding! Tell her what she's won, Johnny!" Ace said, mimicking a game show host. "Legend has it, this other mask was created as a counterbalance to the one we've been playing hot potato with. It has the ability to absorb the chaos magic and neutralize it completely."

Stanley looked skeptical. "That's great and all, but we're nowhere near the temple. How do we find it?"

Ace twirled his mask between his fingers, smirking. "Easy. We summon it."

Tina's jaw nearly dropped. "Summon it?! How?"

Ace straightened up, dusting himself off. "Simple! All we gotta do... is tick off the gods enough to make them send it down themselves."

Stanley gulped. "And how exactly do we do that?"

Ace cracked his knuckles. "Oh, you know... a little thing called the most outrageous, over-the-top, divine-level insult comedy routine this world has ever seen."

Tina and Stanley exchanged uneasy glances.

"I don't know if mocking ancient deities is a great idea," Tina muttered.

Ace grinned wide. "Oh, it's a terrible idea. Which is exactly why it's going to work."

With that, Ace put on his mask once more, spinning into a green-faced whirlwind of confidence. "Alright, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the ultimate roast—let's go heckle some gods."

Stanley sighed. "We are so gonna die."

Tina shrugged. "At this point, we might as well give it a shot."

Milo barked in agreement.

With their fate sealed, the gang set off toward the city's highest point, ready to provoke the heavens and put an end to the mask's curse once and for all.

The gang climbed to the highest point in Edge City—an old, abandoned clock tower. The wind howled as they stood on the rooftop, staring at the stormy sky. Thunder rumbled ominously, as if the gods already sensed what was coming.

Ace, still in full Mask mode, cracked his knuckles and stepped forward. "Alright, folks! Showtime!" He cleared his throat, adjusting an imaginary bow tie. "Ladies and gentlemen… and deities of questionable taste, welcome to the greatest roast in divine history! Tonight, I'll be your host—Ace Ventura, god of pet detectives and inappropriate public behavior!"

Stanley groaned. "Oh, this is gonna be bad."

Ace pointed at the sky. "Now, let's start with the big guy! Odin! Mr. One-Eye! How's that whole 'sacrificing your own eyeball for wisdom' thing working out? You seeing the bigger picture now, or are you still half-blind when reading fine print?" He mimicked squinting at a contract. " 'Offer void where prohibited, Valhalla not responsible for loss of limbs or eternal battle fatigue!'"

Lightning flashed.

Ace smirked. "Ohh, did I strike a nerve? Speaking of thunder, let's talk about your boy, Thor! Hey, buddy, nice hammer! Compensating for something? No wonder the ladies call you the God of Blunder!"

The clouds swirled angrily.

Stanley tugged on Tina's sleeve. "I think this is working... or we're about to be turned into human toast."

Ace wasn't done. He turned toward the sky and cupped his hands around his mouth. "Zeus! Mr. 'Throws-Lightning-But-Can't-Commit-To-One-Woman' himself! How's Olympus treating you? Still turning into animals to get dates? I gotta hand it to you, man, you're the only guy I know who can swipe right and turn into a swan at the same time!"

Thunder boomed so hard the ground shook.

"Ohhh, sensitive subject?" Ace twirled around dramatically. "Speaking of Greek gods—Poseidon! Sea daddy! What's up? You still mad about that Little Mermaid reboot? Listen, buddy, I know your ocean's got fish, but I hear Atlantis's Yelp reviews are drowning in complaints!"

The clouds darkened even further, swirling like an incoming tornado.

Stanley gulped. "Ace, maybe we should—"

Ace held up a hand. "Not done yet! We've got plenty of gods to offend! Next up—Horus! Big bird! I gotta ask, how's that whole 'falcon head' thing working out for you? Does it make finding hats difficult? Or do you just buy them from Big Bird's Boutique?"

The wind howled, and a ghostly shriek echoed through the sky.

Ace pointed a finger upward. "And don't think I forgot about you, Anubis! King of the Underworld! Guardian of the dead! Or should I say, Egypt's first official furry! No wonder you're the god of mummification—you just want everyone wrapped up like chew toys for later!"

Suddenly, the sky tore open with a blinding burst of golden light, and a booming voice echoed through the heavens.

"ENOUGH!"

Ace gasped, putting a hand on his chest. "Whoa! Was it something I said? Or was it everything I said?"

A massive, swirling vortex appeared above them. From within, a golden mask slowly descended, glowing with ancient energy.

Tina's eyes widened. "The Mask of Balance…!"

Ace dusted off his hands. "And that, my friends, is how you get on the gods' last nerve!" He turned to Stanley with a grin. "You were right—mocking divine beings is a terrible idea! But hey, it worked!"

Stanley and Tina stared in stunned silence.

Ace held out his hands. "Alright, now let's grab that mask before they smite us into next Tuesday!"

With the gods furious and their plan somehow working, the gang prepared for the final showdown—ready to put an end to the mask's chaos once and for all.

Just as Ace reached for the glowing Mask of Balance, a slow, mocking clap echoed through the night air.

"Well, well, well… isn't this touching?"

Ace, Stanley, and Tina spun around to see Lois Einhorn and Dorian Tyrell standing at the edge of the rooftop, both still in their terrifying mask forms. Their eyes gleamed with supernatural energy, their sinister grins stretching wider than humanly possible. But it wasn't their monstrous appearances that made Ace's stomach drop.

It was Milo—struggling in Dorian's massive hands, his little paws kicking helplessly.

"Drop the mask," Dorian growled, tightening his grip around the trembling pup. "Or the dog gets it."

Milo whimpered, his big, watery eyes pleading for help.

Ace's heart skipped a beat. His usual goofball demeanor cracked, replaced by something rare—pure, unfiltered anger. His masked form bristled, his neon-green face twitching as he clenched his fists. "You wouldn't."

Lois smirked. "Oh, but we would." She petted Milo mockingly, scratching behind his ear. "Such a cute little thing. Would be a shame if someone accidentally—"

She yanked on Milo's tail.

Milo yelped in pain.

Ace's entire body stiffened.

"LET HIM GO!" Stanley shouted, stepping forward, but Dorian raised his other hand, crackling with dark energy.

"Ah-ah-ah," Dorian taunted. "One more step, and the next sound you hear won't be a whimper—it'll be a snap."

Tina grabbed Ace's arm. "Ace… don't."

Ace's mind raced. This was the moment. They were seconds away from stopping the mask's chaos forever, from undoing all the insanity they had unleashed. The Mask of Balance hovered right in front of them, glowing with divine power, but if they moved… if they even tried…

Milo wouldn't make it.

Ace felt his heart pound like a drum solo. His entire life had been one ridiculous joke after another, but this? This was no joke.

His mind screamed for a plan. A distraction. A trick. Anything.

Milo looked at him with absolute trust, his little face filled with faith that Ace—his Ace—would save him.

Dorian grinned. "So, what's it gonna be, Pet Detective? Save the world… or save the mutt?"

The storm raged overhead.

Ace exhaled slowly. Then, with a calmness that unnerved even Stanley and Tina, he lifted his hands…

And smiled.

"Ohhh, Dorian… you poor, dumb, overgrown Mobster Muppet." Ace shook his head, wagging his finger. "You just made the biggest mistake of your life."

Dorian sneered. "Oh yeah? And what mistake is that?"

Ace grinned wider.

"You messed… with the wrong… dog."

And with that, Ace snapped his fingers.

Milo's eyes flashed.

A moment later, all hell broke loose.

The moment Ace snapped his fingers, a giant anvil materialized above Dorian's head, floating in midair like it had just escaped from a Looney Tunes cartoon.

Dorian barely had time to look up. WHAM!

The anvil flattened him like a pancake. His eyes bulged out of his green, mask-covered head, spinning like slot machine reels before he shook off the impact. "WHAT THE HELL?!" he roared, his voice vibrating like a jackhammer.

But that was just the beginning.

Milo, suddenly glowing with mask energy, grew ten times his size! His tiny paws expanded into massive, muscular mitts, his ears shot straight up like rocket fins, and his teeth stretched into a cartoonishly wide, snarling grin.

"RUH-OH!" Dorian yelped, realizing he was now holding onto a giant, drooling were-dog.

Milo chomped down on Dorian's masked arm like a dog who just found the world's biggest chew toy.

"YEEEEOOOOOWWWW!" Dorian howled, spinning in circles as Milo shook him like a ragdoll, sending slobber flying in every direction.

Meanwhile, Ace turned toward Lois. "Alright, Lieutenant Looney, we can do this the easy way or the fun way."

Lois smirked. "I pick the crazy way!"

BAD CHOICE.

Ace morphed into a gigantic boxing kangaroo, complete with gloves, and uppercut Lois so hard, she flew through the air like a rocket-propelled gremlin.

Lois boomeranged back around, landing a few feet away from Ace. Suddenly, Lois transformed into the shape of a football. Ace smiled widely. "Laces out!" he announced, kicking Lois through an imaginary goalpost. "Now that's how you make the winning kick in the Super Bowl! Alrighty then!"

Tina and Stanley dove to catch Milo, just as the dog shrunk back to normal size in Stanley's arms.

Meanwhile, the sky cracked open as the Guardians of the Mask arrived, their glowing, winged stone forms descending in eerie silence. They reached out their hands toward the Mask of Balance, which Ace had been guarding.

Ace turned to Stanley and Tina. "Alright, kids, time to flush this problem down the cosmic toilet."

Stanley hesitated. "But what if this erases all the masks? Even ours?"

Tina nodded. "Yeah, what if—"

Before they could finish, Ace threw the Mask of Balance straight up into the air like a quarterback launching a Hail Mary.

The sky exploded with light.

Suddenly, every mask—Dorian's, Lois's, even Ace's, Stanley's, and Tina's—ripped themselves off their faces like they were yanked by an invisible vacuum cleaner.

Dorian and Lois instantly reverted back to normal, both looking dazed and confused.

Ace, now maskless, stood triumphantly. "AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS HOW YOU TAKE OUT THE TRASH!"

The Mask of Balance vanished into the heavens, taking all mask power with it.

The Guardians nodded approvingly before disappearing in a flash of divine energy.

The city of Edge City slowly began to return to normal, the chaos dissipating. The giant stone alligators? Gone. The buildings turned into giant accordions? Back to normal. The people who had turned into sentient balloons? Popped back into shape.

Lois and Dorian tried to run—but a swarm of very angry police officers were already waiting.

As they were dragged away, Ace called after them, "DON'T DROP THE SOAP! Unless, of course, you're into that kind of thing!" He then looked directly at Dorian. "Oh, and by the way... Lois is a man," he declared, causing Dorian to start spitting and gagging immediately because he had made out with Lois at one point.

Stanley sighed, relieved. "It's finally over."

Tina smiled. "No more masks."

Ace, grinning, pulled out… a tiny green scrap of mask material from his pocket.

"Well… almost."

Milo snatched it from his hand and swallowed it.

Everyone froze.

Milo looked up at them, wagged his tail, burped green smoke, and then trotted away.

Ace turned to Stanley and Tina with a smirk. "So, who's up for tacos?"

Ace Ventura strutted up to the front door of his home, whistling a jazzy tune and tossing his keys in the air. "Another day, another world-saving adventure," he muttered to himself. "And I did it all without messing up my hair—BOO-YAH!"

He swung the door open, ready to collapse onto his beloved, fur-covered couch—

But froze mid-step.

Sitting around his dining room table, their massive forms crammed into chairs way too small for them, were the gods he had mercilessly mocked earlier.

There was Odin, his one eye gleaming like a storm cloud about to burst. Anubis, his jackal snout twitching in mild annoyance. Zeus, his arms folded as if he were debating whether to turn Ace into a crispy-fried detective. And Gygax… well, Gygax just looked like he wanted to grind Ace into a fine mist.

They all rose in unison, their towering figures casting monstrous shadows across the room.

Ace swallowed hard, his grin twitching. "Uh… fellas! Heyyyyyyy! Fancy seeing you here! Uh… d-don't tell me—book club night? I love book club! Who's got the first chapter of How to Win Friends and Smite People?"

The gods stepped forward.

Ace held up his hands. "Now, now, I know what this looks like, but c'mon, can't you take a joke? I have nothing but the highest respect for all of you!"

They kept moving.

Ace braced himself, wondering which divine punishment he was about to get. Eternal wedgie? Smited into a ferret? Banished to a dimension filled with Gilbert Gottfried audiobook recordings?

But—

Instead of grabbing him, they walked right past him.

Grinning.

Ace blinked. He turned just in time to see Odin give him a cheeky wink before stepping through a glowing portal and vanishing.

One by one, the gods disappeared until only silence remained.

Ace, now thoroughly confused, turned back toward the table—

And spotted a wrapped gift sitting there.

Eyebrow arched, he tiptoed over and carefully picked it up. The paper was divine-quality (smelled faintly of lightning and dog treats), and on top was a folded letter.

Ace opened it, reading aloud:

"We know you will do the right thing with this."

Ace slowly peeled away the wrapping paper.

Inside, gleaming like a freshly waxed sports car, was—

THE GREEN MASK.

Ace's mouth stretched into the most ridiculous grin of his life.

His eye twitched. His fingers flexed. His entire body vibrated like a cartoon character who just found a million-dollar jackpot.

He slowly lifted his head, staring directly at the person reading this at the moment.

"RE-HEE-HEELY?!"

His face exploded into pure, uncontrollable joy.

"ALRIGHTY THEN!"

(Author's note) I would like to thank all of you for reading my story. And if I don't write another chapter soon... just wait longer.