The morning found us still moving slowly back towards New York, and sitting in the saloon seemed torture at this point. To see all the crying people, and to feel nothing for them. It was as if the sadness that I had felt had frozen back out on the water, turning me icy. It was not that I did not recognize their pain, but merely that it did not affect me, my own vow to be strong preventing me from feeling as they did. I stirred in Will's arms, sitting up. He blearily opened his eyes, "Ana?"

I pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Stay Will, I will get us something warm." I stumbled to my feet, still stiff and painful after last night. A steward was more than happy to give me a couple of cups of coffee and two bowl of oatmeal. At this point I didn't care what he gave me, so long as it was hot. I did ask him to send another telegram for me, telling our staff to have our carriages and auto waiting in New York. I brought the food back to our little spot on the floor, Will had sat up and cleared a small space away from the blankets that we had wrapped around ourselves, an impromptu table. I set the food down and sat. "Here, breakfast."

Will moved slowly, drinking his coffee more than eating his oatmeal. He still had the look about him that he barely noticed anything, except for when I reached over to gently touch his arm. He looked up, "Ana, do you know what is happening? I am so tired, I fear I cannot remember anything from last night."

I drained the last bit of coffee from my cup, wishing that I could forget last night too. I usually hated coffee, it was so bitter, but it was hot, and it warmed me through. "I think we are headed back to New York, I wired forward to have our people waiting for us."

"Us?" Will spooned up another helping of steaming oatmeal.

"I'm not letting you room in some hotel." I grumbled as I stirred my own breakfast, "Like I said last night, tell the other officers, you're all going to be staying with me until we can get you back on your feet."

His spoon clattered down. "You don't have to do that."

"I want to." I caught his eyes, and reached over and grabbed his hand. He hadn't protested this much last night, we were both so exhausted. "I am not letting you out of my sight once we get to the city, Will. You will stay with me, and everything I have will be at your disposal."

"You shouldn't be doing all that."

I moved myself across the floor, kissing his cheek when I neared. "Go ahead and ask Mr. Lowe about beating my stubborn mind."

"Lowe?"

"He didn't want me to row back. I refused to leave, I was deadset on it." I closed my eyes, breathing as I shoved the memory of going back far down in my mind. "So really Will, just go along with it. It will be much easier for you." He chuckled at that, and I kissed him properly. "See, there you are."

His breath was warm as it brushed against my lips, "I should find the other officers then. Let them know about the arrangements you've made." He struggled up, the clothes on him still swimming as he stood. He brushed at his trousers, "Although first I will see if my own clothes are clean. You should see one of the stewards, get everything cleaned up." It was fairly obvious he was putting last night behind him, and I was unwilling to revisit it now in the light of day.

I put on my biggest smile. "Getting clean sounds wonderful." He nodded, grabbing a steward who was walking by and relaying our requests. We were quickly directed to the appropriate areas, and a stewardess was more than happy to provide me with a donated dressing gown to wear while my gown and everything else was taken away and cleaned. I made sure to grab my little matchbook and message from my coat, tucking them into a pocket on the dressing gown.

The stewardess ran me a hot bath, and I could have stayed for hours it felt so good. I knew I was still cold, bu when I felt the heat penetrate down into my very bones, it seemed they fairly cracked as the cold was driven away. By the time the water had cooled down I was ready to get out, and swiftly dried myself off. A clean chemise had been provided, and I drew the dressing gown on over it. The stewardess assured me she would bring my clothes to me as soon as they were clean, and I went back to the saloon.

It had cleared out somewhat, but there were still enough men around that I wrapped myself in a steamer rug over the dressing gown. I had never worn this little clothing around people, it was disconcerting. I found Mother, wrapped up and sitting at a table with Mrs. DeWitt Bukater. I sat down, "You should get them to draw you a bath, Mother. It feels divine."

She nodded, her eyes fixed on the table. "It sounds very nice."

"Anastasia, have you seen Rose?" Mrs. DeWitt Bukater cut in, her voice harsh.

I shook my head, "I'm sorry, no." She collapsed into a pile of sobs at the table, burying her head in her hands. The outward display of grief unnerved me, but Mother reached across and slowly patted her hand. I stood up, desperate to get away. "I am going to see if I can find Marie and the others. I'll be back." Mother didn't even acknowledge me, simply grabbing Mrs. DeWitt Bukater's hands and holding her close.

I slowly made my way through the various parts of the ship, it took a long time to sort through everyone. I found Marie and Violetta, huddled together on the boat deck. I gripped them in a fierce hug. "You made it off, thank God."

A few sympathetic sounds emerged from them, and they quickly disentangled themselves from me. Marie pulled her blanket closer. "It is good to see you, Miss. Your mother?"

"She's inside, but we cannot find Father." I spoke briskly, moving past it before I could let any feeling come in. "We'll get you both settled down in New York and replace anything you need, alright? You'll have some time off before you start."

Violetta turned to Marie and they had a quick discussion in French before she turned back to me. "Thank you, Miss, but we won't be staying."

"You're not?"

"No, we both want to go back to France." Violetta's voice was firm, "Back to our families."

I closed my eyes and breathed in through my nose. "Very well, we will get you set up with everything you need and book your passage. Please see our housekeeper in New York to arrange for everything."

I had turned away when Marie grabbed my hand. "Do not think harshly of us, Miss."

I hugged her once again. "We all have to make decisions, and I will miss you, but you have your own life to live." I stayed with them for a few more minutes, before the cold drove me back inside.

I had just managed to get some kind of sandwich and a cup of tea for lunch when a man approached me. "Are you Anastasia Dalian?"

"Yes, is there something wrong?" I looked up, then gestured for him to sit by me.

"No, it's only, I was told to find you. By your father." My stomach dropped out, any thoughts of food gone. The man continued, "I was a steward, and I saw your father and his valet heading back with Mr. Astor for a brandy at the end. He grabbed me, told me to get myself to a boat and to that he wanted me to tell you a message." The man closed his eyes, remembering. "Tell her, I knew what she and her mother were worried about, and that I would rather end it here, as a gentleman, while I am still myself. Tell her to remember me not like this, but in happier times. Tell her that I'm sorry I won't be there for her, but that she is strong enough to make it through. He said he didn't want to be a coward, miss." He mumbled some condolences, but quickly left.

And alone, knowing that Father had chosen to go back, had chosen to die, I started to cry.

My thoughts of being strong enough to not grieve fled. All I was was a girl who had lost her father, been in a shipwreck, and had no one nearby to offer some form of comfort. I don't know how long I sat there, sobbing, but eventually a stewardess came along and bustled me back up to the dining saloon where my clothes were waiting. She helped me dress in an empty cabin, wrapped me back up in my rug, and left me where I had started out this morning. I was trying to keep one corner of my blanket for wiping my tears when someone knelt down and took it from me to wipe at my face. I looked up, expecting Will, but was met with Zachary Reichster. His black hair flopped over his forehead, green eyes bright. He smiled, "'Stasia, thank God you're alright."

I couldn't move before he had grabbed me in a hug, lifting me to my feet. "Zachary, put me down."

"God 'Stasia, I didn't know if you had got on a boat, it was killing me." He dropped me, and I moved back against the wall. "You haven't been injured, have you?"

I pulled my blanket tighter. "I'm fine, you can go."

Zachary pulled out a flask, taking a swig before capping it. At that moment, all I wanted was a sip of that flask. "Have you seen Hockley? Nasty business, lost his fiancée. And I can't find Elliott anywhere. But thank God you all got off."

"Not all of us." I blinked hard, feeling the tears coming back.

"No, who?"

"My father." I rubbed my hand under my nose, feeling it begin to run again. "Can you just leave, Zachary? Please?"

"God, 'Stasia, I'm so sorry." He grabbed me in a hug again, despite me pushing against his chest. "I'll take care of everything in New York, you can come stay with us until everything gets settled."

"No, Zachary."

"And your mother, of course. I'll see to getting you some better servants while we help you, never have liked that housekeeper of yours. I'll send for a British butler, he'll do you much better."

"Zachary, no. I will deal with it, let me go." I shoved harder against him, "Let me go or I am going to scream."

"You're hysterical, it's understandable with everything you're going through." He brought his hands down to grip my wrists and I lunged backward. "I'll see to getting the ship's doctor, a little laudanum is all-"

"Hey, let her go!" A loud voice broke through, giving Zachary a start and he instinctively backed up. Officer Lightoller had just entered the saloon, and was swiftly walking over. "She said to let her go."

"Sir, she's hysterical. She doesn't know what she wants." Zachary had resumed his usual relaxed stance after the start he had gotten. "I've dealt with hysterical women before, I can deal with her."

"It sounds to me like she knows exactly what she wants." Lightoller stepped towards him again, "If I see you bothering her at any point while we're on here, I will have you thrown in the brig. Am I understood?"

"Sir, be reasonable-"

"Am I understood?" Lightoller shoved his face up against Zachary's, who simply nodded and beat a quick retreat. Lightoller shook his head, "Will said he was persistent, but Jesus." He turned back to me, "Are you alright Miss Dalian?"

I relaxed just a bit, gulping to try and clear what felt like a blockage in my throat. I knew it was a sob, but I was not going to let it come out. "I am, thank you Officer Lightoller. I hope you and the other officers are feeling better than yesterday."

He sat down on a nearby bench, gesturing for me to join him. "It's been hell, but I think we're all trying to focus on what's in front of us." I sat down next to him, and he lowered his voice. "Has Will spoken to you of what went on when we were out on the water?"

I grit my teeth, remembering last night. "Yes, it sounds as if he had quite a struggle."

Lightoller gave a mirthless chuckle. "You don't know the half of it, I'm afraid. He was a ruin out there, still is."

"He said you kept him from going back into the water that night."

"Bloody fool wanted to, practically had to wrestle him down to stop him," He shook his head, "I've served with him for years, Miss. He's a good man, a good sailor. This has taken all that from him."

"Officer Lightoller, please call me Anastasia."

"Charles, then." He held out his hand and briefly shook mine. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to keep taking care of him, I know it is not a easy duty but he has spoken about how much he cares for you, and I hope that you can care for him enough to see him through this."

"I do care for him a great deal, Charles." I gave a weak smile. "And I was already planning on continuing to take care of him. And the rest of you lot."

He actually gave a laugh. "Will said that, and we'd all be most appreciative. He says your house is huge. Well, one of them."

"Well, I'm afraid the house we'll be in lacks a ballroom, so you'll be a bit disappointed." I joked, feeling an actual smile break out.

"And here I was planning to bring my wife over for a party." Charles stood, "Really though, Anastasia. Thank you for what you're doing. I can't imagine how he'd be dealing with it without you."

"And without you, Charles." I felt the prick of tears again, "It sounds as if you two are great friends."

"Yes, well, I'll see you before we get to New York, and if that pest shows himself send someone for me."

"I'm afraid you'll have to pry him away from Will if he shows back up. Will may just beat the man senseless."

"Well, let him get a few good hits in before you get me then." Charles gave a little smirk, tipped his cap, and then headed off. I tried to keep that image in my mind, Will fighting off Zachary who then was locked in the brig and arrived in New York in disgrace, but it was so ridiculous that I couldn't hold onto it. All I kept coming back to was Father, sitting in the ever tilting lounge, sipping one last brandy before the water came rushing in. I pressed my head to my hands, trying to literally force the image from my mind. The water slowly rising, freezing cold and oh God, Father.

I was crying quietly by the time Will came back, and when I saw him I immediately tried to stop. The last thing he needed was for me to be a puddle of tears. He was back in his uniform, his great coat hanging down and open to show the buttoned up jacket underneath. He sat next to me, pulling me alongside him. "Shh, here. Look what I found in my pocket, they pressed it and everything." He pulled out the handkerchief I had given him and set to drying my tears. His touch was more firm than last night, a bit of color in him. I could smell fresh aftershave, his cheeks and lip freshly shaved clean.

I sniffed, "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. I must be tired still." I drew a few breaths, regaining my composure. "Is there any word on what is happening?"

Will tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, "They're trying to hold the Cedric in New York for us, to take us back to England."

"You won't go, will you?" I grabbed his hand, "I couldn't stand it if you did."

"It's not a sure thing, and I don't think they will hold it." He sighed, settling back against the wall and pulling me with him. "The other officers wanted me to relay their thanks for your offer, they're rather looking forward to it, a few days of peace."

"Good, it will be nice to have company." I pressed myself against him, my head on his shoulder. "How long do you think you'll have before you have to go back?"

"I'm not sure, a few days perhaps?" He rubbed at his forehead, "I can't imagine it will be long."

I took the fear that ripped through me, the thought of him leaving and crossing the Atlantic again, and shoved it aside. "Then I will have to make sure you all have everything you need before you leave. Do you think you could make up a list?"

Will squinted, trying to remember, and slowly began to list off what he could think of; clothes, pajamas, long johns, shoes, socks, shaving kits, coats, a pipe for him, and a hundred and one other things. He paused for a moment, "There was a photo, I have a copy in Southampton, but it is my only one left."

"I can arrange to have it sent, is it of your family?"

"My wife, Ada." He quieted, and I pulled him tighter to me.

"I will have it sent back on one of our ships. The captain will bring it back himself."

"You are not jealous?" Will asked, tensing.

"She was a part of your life, I cannot be jealous, for if you had not met her you would not be who you are now." I squeezed his hand. What I left unsaid was that to me it seemed foolish to be jealous of a ghost. I let myself sit in his arms for a moment, only stirring when another officer approached.

I recognized the young face of Mr. Moody, and he held a pack of cards in his hands. He nodded to both of us, "Mr. Lightoller and I need another pair for bridge, would you care to join?"

Will gave my hand a squeeze, "Ana?"

"Of course, Mr. Moody." I said, standing. "Some distraction would be welcome." Moody gave a smile at that, leading us away from the saloon and into a lounge where I could see Charles had claimed a table towards the center of the room. Moody tossed the pack of cards to him while Will pulled out a chair for me, then moved to sit across from me. I looked to my left, "I did not think to see you again so soon, Charles."

He grinned at that, "What can I say? I got tired of dealing with Ismay, fobbed it off on Boxhall for a few hours."

I gave a chuckle, but Will looked at me. "When did you see him earlier?"

I had paused to come up with some kind of lie when Charles cut in, "Oh, that pest was trying to get her off to the ship's doctor and dosed with laudanum."

"Pest?" Will furrowed his brow.

"Reichster." Charles had started dealing, but paused to grab Will's arm and physically hold him down. "Will, the last thing you need right now is to get thrown in the brig for throwing him overboard."

"Charles, he can't keep doing this." Will practically growled, "At least have the Master-At-Arms lock him in the brig until we get back."

"Oh, I threatened him with that. Ran away with his tail between his legs." Charles gave a chuckle, then looked across to Moody. "Are you ready James?"

The younger man quickly shuffled his cards around in his hand. "Yes, Mr. Lightoller."

"Come off it James, we're not on deck." Charles muttered, and the game began. I will gladly admit to cheating a bit, but if I cheated a bit the three of them were each doing twice what I did. In the end Lightoller and Moody won, and as their prize, decided to switch the game to poker. Will was quite helpful, coming to sit next to me and whisper hints. We used whatever we could find as chips, betting pieces from a tea service and cutlery. It was nice to be distracted, to see Will actually focus on something. It seemed to do him good.

I did shock them all once, after going all in on two pair only to be defeated when Charles showcased a flush, and I swore. "God damn it, Charles! I swear you're cheating." I actually laughed at Will's expression, his eyes wide and a decidedly deep flush on his cheeks. Charles thought it a great laugh, and Moody quickly blushed and looked away.

Will took a minute to gather himself. "Ana, where did you ever learn that language?"

"In the lifeboat." I smiled at him, "It was a most educational experience."

"Ana, Will?" Charles smirked, "Pet names already? My God, you're hopeless." He stood, coming behind Will's chair to clap him on the shoulders. "Just marry her when we get to New York and be done with it."

I blushed at that, and Will spluttered. "Charles, that is entirely inappropriate."

"You took any break you could to see her, there's obviously something there." Charles gave Will's shoulders a little shake. "You've been single for too long, and you're far easier to deal with when you're married." I couldn't help but smile as Will's flush made its way up his ears. Charles stepped away, "Well, I'd better go let Boxhall free. James, go see if the stewards have finished that list for the Marconi boys." Moody seemed more than glad to leave the table, rushing off out of the lounge.

Will fumed for a moment or two, before turning to me. "I apologize for him, he's a good shipmate but he has a tendency towards taking a joke too far."

"You mean you don't want to run off and find a priest as soon as we get back?" I gave a chuckle seeing his flush rise again, "Relax Will, I think I'll enjoy having him as a guest for a few days."

"A few days may be too long."

"Well if Charles is trying to push you to the altar, I'll be the one in white waiting for you." I kissed his cheek, enjoying how I could see him trying to figure out what to say. "I'm joking, Will. We have time."

AN: And that ends any connection to Titanic (1997). Moving forward will just be my own characters and historical figures. I figured I would give a bit of a bibliography to finish the movie connection off. Obviously, I have used the movie in this, but I've done a great deal of research outside of that.

For reference and research, I have used the following books and websites. For internet sites, because FFN does not allow hyperlinks or full website addresses, I have added spaces to allow the web address to still be seen, simply remove the spaces to visit.

Hopefully, there will soon be an even better resource for examining the interior of the ship and the process of the sinking rather than just the movie, a game for OS/Windows is expected to be released this winter called Titanic: Honor and Glory. It's been in development for quite a few years, and the creators have released an absolutely amazing walkthrough of the Brittanic already. More info can be found here; www. titanichg. com

I have collected quite a few documentaries that can be found on YouTube here, www . youtube playlist ? list = PL60VEjtIzlZe J7E2w5PfrGakFIm 29wtLd . They have all been useful, and yes there are some at the end of the list that are on the Lusitania or the Atlantic but a lot of these shipwrecks have a thread running through them, linking them all. The ones that I found most interesting though are the BBC radio interviews done with Charles Lightoller and Joseph Boxhall about the sinking.

Titanic and Other Ships by Charles Lightoller-Charles Lightoller definitely lived an interesting life, and he is more than happy to tell you all about it in this book. Including figuring out how to slide all the way across the bridge of the Oceanic.

Guide to the Crew of the Titanic: The Structure of Working Aboard the Legendary Liner by Gunter Babler - If you are going to do anything dealing with the staff of the Titanic, this is the book for you. Want to know how much the Marconi Operators made? Here you go. Want to know how the Third Class Victualing Department operated? Easy find. And the back has a list of the entire crew, noting where they lived, their department and section, and if they were saved.

The Sinking of the Titanic and Great Sea Disasters by Logan Marshall - Originally published in 1912, this is a collection of first hand accounts, but it is definitely not the most accurate. It's good to read if you want to get an impression of how things were first reported and the language of the time. Originaly the book that got me into the Titanic, my middle school had a copy in the waiting room outside the principal's office. Since I got sent to the office several times a year I read it again and again, to the point where when I left my middle school I either took it with me or was gifted it by the office assistant. Can't remember.

Last Night on the Titanic: Unsinkable Drinking, Dining & Style by Veronica Hinke and Last Dinner on the Titanic: Menus and Recipes from the Great Liner by Rick Archbold and Dana McCauley-Great resources for period food and drink.

Titanic Style: Dress and Style on the Voyage by Grace Evans-Excellent overview of 1912 style, men's and women's and across all classes.

The Ship of Dreams: The Sinking of the Titanic and the End of the Edwardian Era by Gareth Russell-Focuses on various first class passengers and how the sinking affected society at large.

A Night to Remember by Walter Lord-The classic account of that night.

The Mammoth Book of the Titanic: Contemporary Accounts from Survivors and the World's Press Edited by Geoff Tibballs-Great resource for period reaction and accounts.

The Titanic Reports: The 1912 Inquiries by the US Senate and the British Wreck Comission-Suprisingly not included with the inquiry testimonies but available separately.

A Season of Splendor: The Court of Mrs. Astor in Gilded Age New York-Overiew of the excesses of the top of New York society.

The Cult of Chiffon: An Edwardian Manual of Adornment by Mrs. Eric Pritchard-A period resource for how women should dress and accessorize themselves.

www. titanicology / WatchTablesFile. html - a breakdown of how watches were done onboard and what times the officers would be on watch.

Websites I have used for multiple resources have been Encyclopedia Titanica, they have a set of deck plans that has been invaluable in addition to the other research that can be found there. The Titanic Inquiry Project has been indispensable for my research, so much so that I have printed out both inquiries, as well as the inquiry into the sinking of the Lusitania, from them and they are currently stacked in four giant binders on my desk.

In terms of fictional books, The Dressmaker by Kate Alcott is absolutely a must read. It's what actually made me want to rewrite my old story because I enjoyed it so much and I remembered that I had made something similar a long time ago. The main character is a seamstress who joins the Duff Gordons on the voyage, survives and has to deal with the aftermath while also sorting out her feelings for a wealthy first class passenger and a sailor who threatens Lady Duff Gordon's position by what he saw on the night of the sinking, which also effects her new job. Really, phenomenal. 10/10, cannot recommend enough.

Thank you all for reading, and please drop me a review to let me know what you think so far.