When the topic of beauty came up, a lot of people liked to reassure others that no such concept could ever be 100% objective. That each and every single one of us gave beauty its meaning, its value. And that people's tastes differed greatly and at least one person in the entire world would find you attractive…
…
Okay. That's fair, Miura-san. But what does that have to do with the question: which one of these dog-pattern pillow cases look the best? Oh, you didn't think I was talking about an object? Yeah, go figure. And here Hachiman had thought that you'd help him pick a gift for Yuigahama without incident.
Anyway.
Half-buried memory aside, Hachiman considered that he had at least some experience when it came to beautiful things.
As someone who had sharpened his senses to detect the ugliness in the world, it came to reason that he'd have a gnat for noticing the opposite as well. Even if all he could do was shield away his eyes from the light, because of how used to the darkness he was, it still counted as being sensitive in that regard. Just because he didn't have the finesse to properly asses the finer details, it didn't mean that he was a slouch when it came to being in the presence of beauty. Just like how a birdwatcher would first need to be able to discern what is a bird and what isn't, so too did Hachiman had the ability to tell what made things beautiful.
People too, even if people insisted that beauty wasn't universal. It was a fine sentiment, he supposed; but he'd be pressed to believe that most people wouldn't agree on some repeating traits that were universally sought after.
Angelic smile, an aura of innocence, good sense of aesthetic, natural displays of demureness and empathy… Indeed. If Hachiman was forced to choose the image of perfection, he'd rather be executed for treason against the nation before choosing anyone other than Totsuka Saika. That he was a guy didn't matter. It was simply proof that, if the gods were real, they had a twisted sense of humor. Which, of course, was also fair enough.
Hachiman had only lived in this world for a bit more than 20 years, and look at how he turned out. If beings as ancient as gods existed, he had no idea how they'd manage to keep themselves sane with all the shit that happened all the time in this sad ball of water and rock that they called Earth.
"—but I don't really have time to give it my all. And, even is the director is nice about it, he probably knows this won't go much further too." Although he had grown a bit out of what Ebina called 'perfect bottom form' (not that Hachiman agreed), Saika still retained youthful and delicate enough features to be considered pretty, rather than handsome. Hachiman's heart couldn't endure the full barrage of his presence, especially with Saika's downcast expression and sad smile while he played with the straw of his drink. Trying to distract himself from the topic that he was touching.
Being unable to go with Komachi, for enough reasons that he couldn't brute force himself to go, left Hachiman feeling nervous and with the bothersome feeling of hyperawareness of time. Seconds felt eternal as they ticked down, and only having plans really did anything to help. Because, this way, Hachiman's attention could at least settle for something in motion so to speak. And thus… This. Hanging out with Saika after some light studying at Hiratsuka's, going to get some food and 'paying' their former Sensei for her help.
It hadn't gone the way that Hachiman would've wanted, but things seldom did nowadays.
"I see. So the matter now is whether to allocate your time in tennis or going deeper into acting…" Hiratsuka would often loosen up while eating, chatting and messing around with Hachiman as a special form of food truce that felt oddly charming. But now, listening to Saika, she retained the maturity that she showed when Hachiman gave hints of his own problems.
Even if he actually didn't like talking about it while eating. He supposed that expecting someone else to respect this private unspoken rule was unreasonable. And, more importantly, Hachiman couldn't actually get mad with Saika at all. Regardless of wanting to listen and help, wherever possible.
If he got made with Saika, it was obvious and self-evident that Hachiman was in the wrong. No matter what it was about. It simply made sense that way.
"Yeah…"
"Guess now it's a matter of what you enjoy the most." Hiratsuka shrugged, going back to her food without looking too troubled. "Or if you're happy like this. Because, no matter what someone deep into a given field might tell you, it's alright to just dabble in things if that's what you want."
"I don't know… All the time I practice, people always are so passionate and determined. Even Miura-san is like that. And she's always encouraging me in return. It just feels like I'm playing around by comparison."
"Well, I wouldn't exactly take Miura as a stellar example to follow." Hachiman muttered while trying to hide his distaste for the idea of the blonde pushing this angelic boy around. "Though you're right: peer pressure can be a total bitch to deal with."
Saika remained silent for a moment.
"I… It feels wrong to call all the encouragement that, hehe…"
"It's okay to be rubbed the wrong way, even in cases where there's no malice involved." Hiratsuka interjected while giving Hachiman a pointed look. "We aren't always conscious of the weight of our words. And some things might be insensitive simply because of context that we lack, or because the other person is simply not in the right mood and that's fine. It happens."
Hachiman wanted to shake his head, but stopped himself because he suspected that Hiratsuka wouldn't want him to continue going down that path.
He got it. Saika might be tainted by his negativity, and that wouldn't do. Even if he blessed Hachiman with his presence, it seemed like the rottenness that clung to the ex-Service Club member was too thick, too deeply ingrained in the cracks of his mind.
Hachiman would do his best not to burden Saika with it.
"It's understandable that a decision like this would feel heavy. But, y'know, being aware of it is a solid step in the right direction."
Saika looked a bit taken aback by the shit in Hachiman's words.
"You think so?"
"Sure. At the end of the day, it's a choice of what you want. Not what others want." Hachiman shrugged. He'd always encourage people thinking for themselves, not being swept under the flow of what society thought was right. Conforming to it, although important for cooperation and cohabitation, had a way to erase the aspects of people that were dearest to those that truly cared for them.
Humans were social beings, true. But they were also individuals. They weren't ants or bees. They bonded with other individuals, and those connections were always one-on-one no matter how many different ones they shared amidst a group.
Even if Ebina and Miura had once been friends of a friend, for example, that bond was distinctly between Hachiman and them. They treated each other as just that, and grew a little closer on their own. In spite of Yui, instead of by her own doing.
"Being able to make a choice by yourself is already a good thing." Hiratsuka nodded to Hachiman. He didn't need to approval, like a kid. But it felt just a little tiny bit nice. "It's you who is going to travel through that path, so you might as well choose to wear comfortable clothes and prepare for the trip."
"And." Hachiman ate a little more before speaking up. "Even if you enjoyed it more than expected, the original plan was just to try out new things. Right?"
"But what if I've enjoyed both enough? It'd be too bad to lose one. But I know I have to focus…"
Hachiman pursed his lips.
"That happens too. Guess it's about which one represents the smaller loss."
"It's also not something that you have to decide right now." Hiratsuka added. "Take some time, think. Experiment which one looks the best for you. People will tell you not to be indecisive, but regretting things later because you were too hasty can be just as vexing… Not that there's something wrong with being disappointed in your choice and changing your mind later on."
"He'll probably get looked down on." Hachiman muttered, giving Hiratsuka a knowing look. Because, while her advice was great on paper, he knew that the people that would surround someone as pure as Saika wouldn't take it that way. And Hachiman would do anything to save the silver-haired cutie from suffering.
"Indecisiveness is, indeed, a problem. But I don't think changing your mind once, maybe twice, is bad." Hiratsuka lifted her chin, crossing her arms and unwittingly accentuating her mature charm while at it. "Messing up because you can't decide, and messing up because you're unwilling to change are nothing but two sides of the same coin: A one-way trip to disappointment and self-inflicted discomfort. And, in Saika's case, I think it's okay to encourage him to try things out. Do one, do the other. Experiment."
His ex-teacher nodded to herself with pride. As if she'd shared some deep and sagely wisdom that would have to be taken home and studied in privacy. Like she was leaving it up to Hachiman and Saika to get from her words what they needed, or maybe like she was hoping that they'd remember it at some critical moment to get a second wind of some kind… Such useless thoughts clouded Hachiman's mind a bit, product of sharing some manga recommendations with the woman.
He shook his head, knowing that she meant well. But, given who Saika was, he also believed that the advice needed was something far less vague.
"Tennis, you already know some stuff about. While you're just dipping your toes into acting." Also, Hachiman kind of didn't want to keep Saika close to the grubby hands of that director. Call it prejudice, and maybe hypocrisy, but the ex-loner and also-a-victim-of-judgment didn't trust the man with Saika's wellbeing and happiness. "Maybe…"
Still, Saika's worried expression was simply too much for Hachiman's health. The aura radiating from him killed Hachiman's words before he could express them. As if the universe itself knew that he was about to spout something selfish, something that might make Hachiman happier instead of Saika.
Grrrhhh…! No! That couldn't be! Even if Hachiman tried to twist his thoughts to make them sound reasonable, he knew the truth! He couldn't say it. He couldn't tell Saika to go back to his sport just because he didn't trust that shady (?) director!
"Maybe?" Saika tilted his head. Dealing super effective psychic damage to Hachiman and forcing him to back off.
"…Maybe you should give acting a similar chance. See how different it is when it's your main focus." Hachiman almost wheezed his revised words out, feeling his heart sink when he saw the little angel consider them seriously.
No! Saika in the entertainment industry? Hachiman didn't want that! He wanted Saika's cuteness only for himself! For ten years, at least!
"That's an idea, right there." No! Hiratsuka, don't encourage him!
"Hmmm… But I'd get further behind in my training…" Yes!
"W-Well, there you have it: another point to take into account." Hachiman babbled with enough haste that he almost bit his tongue. Seriously, honestly wanting Saika to keep his thoughts in that direction. "I mean… Picturing one or the other already give you some idea of how you feel, right?!"
"Hmmm… I don't know. I still think you should probably give it a serious shot." Hiratsuka rested her cheek on her hand, and the same arm on the table. "I'd go watch you."
"E-Eh?! Sensei?!" Ah! Thanks Hiratsuka! What you were saying might be against Hachiman's wishes, but at least that got Saika to blush furiously! "No way! I haven't even been chosen to star in anything! A-And I wouldn't be chosen to be the lead anyway!"
"So what? Even if you're a tree in the background, that's still experience. It'd be nice." Hiratsuka chuckled to herself, briming with a maternal vibe that made Hachiman wonder where it was coming from. As she was still… Well, y'know. Hachiman was already scared of thinking about it, so he wouldn't finish the idea. "Getting an actual director to tutor you isn't exactly what I imagine someone's journey through acting looks like, after all."
Hachiman would've preferred that she commented on how an unwillingness to be seen made for a poor candidate for acting. But he also didn't want to be the one to say it, so he stayed quiet.
"I-I guess you could come see what the lessons are like…"
"Sounds like a plan." Hiratsuka nodded and went back to focus on her food. Giving the invitation no further attention than the little happiness that she displayed, which made Saika a little calmer. Glad.
Hachiman couldn't even imagine how much social awareness it took to know how to react so well when people were this nervous. As expected, Hiratsuka-sensei was an amazing person.
Hachiman looked down at his plate, disappointed in his own performance. Not here, not now. But in things in general. How it all seemed to slip between his fingers, no matter what he attempted to do.
How does one try to help others when their own life is barely functional? With what gall did he spout out nonsense, trying to make a lost girl see reason of all things?
Hypocrisy, that's how.
And yet…
"And if all else fails…" Hachiman pointed at Saika with his chopsticks, putting up a serious air to fool the poor guy into thinking he was about to get more quality advice. "Put on your cat-ear headphones and start streaming. If we get you an anime girl avatar, it'll be a guaranteed hit."
And yet, not trying to help was far worse than any half-baked attempt he could make.
"Hachiman!" Saika puffed his cheeks, but the cuteness was cut short when he more or less slammed his hands on the counter. Startling everyone a little. "Sensei! Say something!"
Hiratsuka opened her mouth, expression already looking like the beginning of a lecture.
Hiratsuka looked at Hachiman's earnest expression, and turned to face Saika a moment later.
Hiratsuka closed her mouth and continued eating.
"Sensei!"
"C'mon, streaming is not such a bad idea." Hachiman spoke up because he felt bad about messing with Saika, even to this small extent. "Remember? Zaimokuza even said that there's someone overseas making a machine that does it. It's a niche that still looks to be filled!"
"Hina-san already said something like that. Is that it? Are you on her side now?"
"Absolutely not." Hachiman stated without letting even a second go by. He knew that girl, and he'd not let his good name be tarnished by associating his words with hers. It simply would kill him inside, especially if Saika thought that the two were of similar ideas.
"Hmp…" Ah, no way. Was Saika going to hit Hachiman with the silent treatment? How could he ever go on this way?!
Heedless of his inner turmoil, Hachiman's phone range after a few minutes spent in relatively comfortable silence.
The phone displayed his sister's name.
"Hikigaya? Where are you going…?"
Confusion ended.
HP restored.
MP restored.
All status ailments cleansed.
Onii-chan mode: engaged.
"I'm here."
"Ah, onii-chan! Hey, are you free?"
"Yes." Hachiman stated while walking out of the stall a couple of steps. "What's wrong? Are you alright? Did something happen?"
"No." Komachi hesitated for a moment. "I mean, I'm fine. Some bigshot asshole came around and messed with the production teams, so part of the shooting was cancelled and are being forced to move but…"
What?
"But you're okay." Hachiman shook his thoughts off, looking around to center himself. And taking a couple of metaphorical steps back while seeing the birds around the street, judging him.
"Yeah. Everything's fine. We ate a little late, but you know. Happens."
"I don't like how easily you say that." Hachiman furrowed his brows.
"It's fine! Really. The Saitou are taking care of things. I just wanted to keep you updated." Komachi giving him a thumbs up appeared in Hachiman's mind for some reason. Perhaps because he knew his little sister well enough already, or maybe due to his own desire to not worry.
"It's not like I can take a plane and go look for you right now…"
"Exactly. So rest assured, onii-chan. We're gonna have a little trouble, but it's nothing you should be worried about." There was a pause, and Hachiman honestly worried a little more. Not knowing what was up with that. Komachi wasn't one to prank him like that, by faking a problem that is. So he couldn't help it until she mumbled the follow up idea. "That is, if you only care about me and your friends…"
It sounded like she meant to talk to herself more than anything. And, to be honest, Hachiman didn't really know how to answer to that. Whether he should feign ignorance or not, or even if he should address her words at all. After all, Komachi's worries were legit. And came from a place borne of their bond as siblings.
He didn't want to make her worry, just like he didn't like worrying about her. And, perhaps, Komachi was thinking the exact same thing.
"Okay." Hachiman sighed, testing the waters more than anything. "If that's the case, it's fine. I'll ask Saitou-san either way."
It didn't hurt to get the full picture, after all. And this way, he didn't actually have to answer Komachi's worries directly. He'd let his actions speak, rather than reassuring his little sister that he had his head in the right place. Because, in the end, 'the right place' was probably different between them.
Whether he admitted to caring enough about Hoshino to worry now or not, it didn't matter. All that he could do was to show Komachi that she had his undivided attention. That nothing else came as a bigger priority, and nothing would.
"Fine. But she'll tell you the exact same—"
"Kawk!" One of the black birds screeched so loudly that it took, not only Hachiman, but every other pedestrian by surprise. It extended its wings, being mimicked by a cacophony of other black birds, and took flight with such hurry that something in Hachiman's brain activated. A primal instinct, a vestige of the origin of people as unthinking animals, that forced him to look around. Startled, confused, feeling like something was stalking him from somewhere he couldn't see.
Black feathers drifted to the ground while a car swerved a little, the driver startled as well, while the people that had been going about their day stopped in their tracks and had the same instinct as Hachiman; with different degrees of effect. A high school girl took the first step to run away, full-on panic on her face before she realized that no one was chasing her. A salaryman pushed his portfolio against an older man that was too close at the moment when the birds reacted, throwing the old man on the ground and making the salaryman lose his balance. And Hachiman himself had to fight back against the prey instinct that put his nerves on edge, forcing him to look around for potential threats.
Nothing came from it. Nothing was happening.
Just as suddenly as they had started gathering around him, the birds just decided that something had scared them off. It couldn't be anything that Hachiman would notice: They were animals, and Hachiman was a rational human. Even if he thought that he alone was being stalked by them, logic dictated that the animals would retain their instincts. And, eventually, they'd do what animals do. They'd get tired, get scared off, or follow another primal instinct and bother someone else. Or perhaps they'd migrate. Hachiman wasn't sure.
It just looked like something had scared them off, one of the possibilities that Hachiman had imagined. Yet, in that moment, it felt so foreboding that he couldn't help the cold sweat that ran down his face.
"—nii-chan?"
"Yes." Hachiman wheezed, placing his hand on his chest. Trying to calm down while he tried to convince himself that it was alright. "I'm here."
Strange, way too strange. He still didn't understand what these things had wanted to do with him. And yet, just out of the blue, a veritable sea of birds was dispersing in the sky. Leaving without turning back. Without explanation or warning. Leaving Hachiman feeling… Alone. Exposed.
They'd felt so oppressive now, in spite of just being some animals. So why did it feel so wrong to see them disappear like that now?
"Are you alright?" Komachi asked from the other side of the call, wary.
"Y-Yeah." Hachiman sighed. "I just… I got startled, that's all. Damn birds."
"I… see? Are you sure? Ah. Maybe you're way too worried about me~?"
Hachiman scoffed. Knowing full well that Komachi wanted to asses how willing to play along he was.
"Yes, Komachi. Onii-chan is super ultra hyper worried and has to restrain himself from running all the way to your hotel to see that you're okay. Sorry, I can't help myself."
"Kya~! You won't win Komachi over no matter how smooth you get, y'know~" And it seemed like she got the message. Good. At least he could take this burden off her shoulders, let her concentrate on what she needed.
"It must be worth a ton of Komachi points all the same." Hachiman muttered, looking at some of the people that were recovering from the fright. Seeing the primal side that all humans had, no matter how much people like to think that they were above mere animals.
The sight was… Humbling, in a way. And illustrative of a lot of things wrong with society, as it tried its damnest best to nail the irrational side of people away.
Hachiman looked at the street, at the other side of the road, where people had warily gone back to their business. Eyeing around with suspicion, or hurrying up to get away from that place. And thus, put this event behind them.
There was one person more affected than the others, however. Someone probably a lot more in contact with a part of his brain that most people would shy away from.
"Sorry, gotta go back. I don't want Hiratsuka thinking that I bailed so she pays the bill." Hachiman muttered again, but his gaze had locked on the person standing in front of him. Someone that, perhaps due to his own instincts, noticed his stare and looked back. Frozen like a deer illuminated by a flashlight.
"Okay~ careful!"
Hachiman didn't look back, although he wanted to. Once was a coincidence, twice was… Whatever the saying said.
Hachiman crossed the street. The guy didn't move from his place.
He was taller, Hachiman didn't remember him being so tall. How had he hidden that? The foreboding feeling in his gut increased.
"Long time no see." Hachiman growled, stopping right beside the young man. And making a point of turning his head to stare at him. "If you came for the food, then you have amazing taste in ramen."
The guy's unshielded expression shifted in a moment. Showing a picture-perfect smile after sighing, like if he was relieved. And yet, maybe because of the number of times replaying their encounter in his mind; of doing the same after being around Hoshino and obsessing over every little thing that could go wrong, that Hachiman could misunderstand… He managed to see it. The small tension, the practiced motion of shielding himself from the outside… He was no different from her.
"Not at all. Though, now that you mention it, perhaps I should try it out." He still hid his blond hair beneath a cap, but he looked distinctly… Well-dressed. Not like the unassuming teen that Hachiman had seen him as before. But someone outside with a purpose, a date maybe. Or perhaps it was simply that he was so good-looking that Hachiman's brain started making shit up.
Or that the twins' father had such a creepy stare that Hachiman would rather think about anything else but him.
The loner motioned to the other side of the road, tense.
"Be my guest."
The star seemed to understand that they were past the point of pretending to not know what was going on.
"…If you insist."
He smiled and walked on confidently all the same.
The birds did not return.