The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, after the awaited Commercials special, it's time to review some Christmas movies. It's the start of December as Sean the Mayhem Critic kicks off Mayhem Critic Christmas Month as he reviews a sequel that DEMANDED to be made. And of course I'm talking about A Christmas Story 2, the complete unnessecary sequel to the beloved Christmas classic, and it's about time that he rips this one a new one. Spoiler alert: this won't end well. So sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. A Christmas Story 2 is owned by Warner Bros. and Warner Premiere.
Episode 199
A Christmas Story 2
(We open with the traditional Mayhem Critic intro. After the intro ends, we open with an exterior shot of Sean's house, all decked out with Christmas lights, a la Clark Griswold. The next scene cuts to our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch while drinking some hot chocolate in his Grinch mug. He is seen wearing his "Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animal" baseball cap, his Picard "Make It Snow" sweatshirt, denim jeans and his red, black and white Adidas sneakers.)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said as he starts his introduction. "And as you could see, I have my house decorated, I'm in my traditional Christmas outfit and I have the tree decorated and the gifts wrapped up. I got Taylor something special. And she probably got me something and she wants me to wait till Christmas. And she got me four other gifts as well."
Sean walked over to the Christmas tree and grabbed one of the four gifts that weren't from Taylor. The first random gift was wrapped in Batman: The Animated Series wrapping paper with a green ribbon wrapped around it and a red bow on top.
"Huh? I wonder what this one could be. Now, I know that it's only 24 days till Christmas, but what the hell, I might as well open it. It's probably something good." Sean said as he unwrapped the gift with a smile on his face. He was excited to see what the first gift was. But suddenly, his smile instantly turned into a frown as he saw what it was. The young critic looked up at the camera and sighed a bit before speaking. "Well... shit. What a way to start the holidays. I gotta review this movie. A movie so vile, that I despised it for eleven years when I got it on DVD. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about to unleash my rage on this movie, a rage that I have bottled up inside me. And that movie is A Christmas Story 2."
(The title screen for "A Christmas Story 2" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while music by David Newman plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, why is everybody trying to kill A Christmas Story for years? We have this one and also the musical. It was once a movie that we all know and love, not too many people knew about it when it came out. Over the years, that movie is everywhere. (Pictures of Christmas Story merchandise is shown) You have Christmas Story merchandise. Hell, I owned Christmas Story pajama pants. Don't judge me. And you also have commercials parodying the movie. Just take a look at this commercial.
(A clip from Cingular's Christmas Story parody commercial is shown)
Commercial-Ralphie: I want a Motorola C139 with texts and games and graphics.
Commercial-Santa: You'll run the bill up, kid! Ho, ho, ho! (He then kicks Ralphie down the slide)
"They should've added the part where he ran the bill up." Sean said. "Also, in all honesty, this is a pretty good commercial."
Sean: (Narrating) Did I mention that there was a musical as well?
"Hell, that's not the biggest punch in the face. The biggest punch in the face and in the gut would have to be the 2012 direct-to-DVD film simply titled A Christmas Story 2." Sean said.
(The title screen for "A Christmas Story 2" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while music by David Newman plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Just when you think they would stoop this low, this is probably the lowest. Released in 2012, A Christmas Story 2 is the sequel to the 1983 Bob Clark film A Christmas Story, that I reviewed last year. And if you haven't read my review of A Christmas Story, then go check it out so you check out my love for the movie and it's one of my all-time favorite Christmas movies that I watch every year. Now, we all know the classic tale: a young boy wants a BB gun for Christmas, but everyone gives him this answer: "You'll shoot your eye out". But he gets a BB gun for Christmas and he has the best Christmas ever. Now, let's jump to 29 years later, and someone had the idea: "Hey, people want to know what happened after Ralphie got his Red Ryder BB gun.".
"Well, I can tell you who this person is. And that person is none other than the film's director Brian Levant." Sean said as a picture of Brian Levant is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I'm pretty familiar with Mr. Levant. If you don't know who Brian Levant is, this is the same guy who directed this little gem that I reviewed.
(A clip from Jingle All the Way is shown)
Howard Langston (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): Put that cookie down! NOW!
"Yeah, that." Sean said.
(Posters for films like Problem Child 2, Beethoven and The Flintstones are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from directing A Christmas Story 2 and Jingle All the Way, Mr. Levant also directed Problem Child 2, Beethoven and The Flintstones. Don't worry, I'll end up talking about those three in the future. When the trailer came out on YouTube, there were a lot of dislikes. And I thought the 2016 Ghostbusters reboot got a lot of dislikes. And they call it the "official sequel" to A Christmas Story. Really? The "official sequel" to A Christmas Story? I thought It Runs In the Family a.k.a. My Summer Story was the official sequel to A Christmas Story. When I saw the trailer for the movie, I thought it looked interesting. But when I got the movie on DVD for Christmas and I watched it for the first time, this was my initial reaction.
(A clip from Marvel's Spider-Man 2 is shown as we see Norman Osborn destroying stuff with Harry's cane in a fit of rage while Peter and Mary Jane leave the room)
Norman Osborn (Voiced by Mark Rolston): Why? WHY?!
(Cut to more clips from the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that was my reaction to the movie. And do we really need a sequel to A Christmas Story? Do we really need to know what happened after Ralphie got his BB gun? I can't believe it. A sequel to a beloved Christmas movie that we all know and love. What's next? (Fake posters are shown for each movie) A Christmas Carol 2? Miracle on 34th Street Part II? It's a Wonderful Life 2: Clarence Strikes Back? (A DVD for National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure is shown) Christmas Vacation 2... wait, that actually happened. AND I REVIEWED THAT PIECE OF SHIT YEARS AGO!
"God, this just brings my piss to a boil! And with the ceremonial swearing of Mayhem Critic Christmas Month: Merry Christmas, motherfuckers! This is A Christmas Story 2." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the movie begins with a generic CGI-backdrop that makes it look like it came straight from a Lifetime movie. But much to the film's credit, they do try to sepia tone it to make it look more like the first film. And the narrator, voiced by Nat Mauldin, who also wrote the teleplay for this movie. And when I saw Mr. Mauldin's IMDB page, I was surprised that he's done some work in television and movies. He worked on the sitcoms Barney Miller, Newhart and Night Court and he wrote the screenplays for films like The Preacher's Wife, Doctor Doolittle and Open Season. So yeah, he's done some good stuff. I don't know why he would do such a horrible movie like A Christmas Story 2.
Narrator (Voiced by Nat Mauldin): A few winters had passed and yet another one had come screaming over Lake Michigan in the middle of the night.
Sean: (Narrating) He's trying to do his impersonation of Jean Shepherd, but he ends up sounding like Adam West doing the narration.
(We see Ralphie's little brother Randy, played by Valin Shinyei, shoots the milkman with a raygun as he pretends to get shot as he gets the newspaper)
Narrator: Randy was a fledgeling Buck Rogers fanatic, who had his own way of braving life's little conflicts in this world or any other.
(A clip from Family Guy is shown)
Mayor Adam West (Voiced by Adam West): I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy.
(Cut back to the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to the Parker family once again and as you can see, the actors are different than the original cast. We're reintroduced to Ralphie, played by Braeden Lemasters, who's a native from Ohio. And honestly, this is the one performance from this movie that I really enjoy. He captures the spirit of Peter Billingsley's Ralphie, and he manages to make it his own.
"As for the rest of the cast, it's like I'm watching a bad play." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We're also reintroduced to Ralphie's mother, played by Stacey Travis, and his younger brother Randy, played by Valin Shinyei.
Mother (Played by Stacey Travis): Now, go get dressed for school.
Randy Parker (Played by Valin Shinyei): Careful with those, Zurg's minions are everywhere. You just can't trust that son of a bitch.
Mother: (Shocked) Excuse me. Keep it up, young man, and you're gonna bite the bar. Oh, yes, don't test me. I mean it.
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of bad casting choices, here's one that I really didn't care for.
(The Old Man, this time played by Daniel Stern, steps out of the basement after he fights with the furnace)
The Old Man (Played by Daniel Stern): (Sighs) We may now begin out day.
Sean groans a bit from seeing Daniel Stern as The Old Man.
The Old Man: Morons. Another utility infielder? What about a pitcher who can make it to the second inning? I'm telling you, boys, if I own that team, things'd be a whole lot different.
"Son of a bitch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Really? Did they really cast Daniel Stern as The Old Man? Look, I love Daniel Stern and some of his performances, but this is one performance that I'm not okay with. He doesn't do a good job at playing The Old Man. (Clips from A Christmas Story, Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss and It Runs In the Family a.k.a. My Summer Story are shown featuring a montage of clips of Darren McGavin, James B. Sikking and Charles Grodin as The Old Man) The only people that I know who did a good job playing The Old Man was Darren McGavin and even though I haven't heard of Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss and when I saw clips from the movie, I thought James B. Sikking did a pretty good job at playing the role. As for Charles Grodin's perfomance in It Runs In the Family, he's the only reason why I watch that sequel, even though it wasn't as good as the original, Grodin manages to give a decent performance. In this one, Daniel Stern is trying to play a bug-eyed Rodney Dangerfield. Hell, he looks like he's taken one or two many bricks to the face.
(We see Ralphie's mother pouring bacon fat into a can)
Narrator: My mother still hoarded bacon fat like it was gold dust.
Mother: Oh, that's good.
"Uh, I don't like the way how she sounded saying that line." Sean said, looking uncomfortable. "It sounded like she was getting aroused from the sight of bacon fat pouring into a can."
Mother: Oh, that's good.
Sean: (Narrating) And also, since it's a sequel, they gotta re-use the same jokes from the first film, like Ralphie's mother putting the heavy coat on Randy and wrapping him up with a scarf.
(Mother Parker wraps Randy's face up with a scarf)
Randy Parker: For Pete's sake, Ma.
Mother: I heard you sniffle.
Randy Parker: I can't breathe.
Mother: You wanna be sick when Santa comes?
"Don't you just love how sequels repeat the same shit over and over again?" Sean asked.
(The credit "Director of Photography Jan Kiesser, ASC, CSC" is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Director of Photography Jan Kiesser, ASC, CSC. Telling by the abbreviation "CSC", it stands for Canadian Society of Cinematographers. I'm giving you that little bit of info because it's important, because this movie was filmed in British Columbia, Canada. I read about it on IMDB. Also, the movie's cinematographer Jan Kiesser is also from Canada and he also worked on Fright Night, the 1985 version. Still an awesome vampire movie. Also, you can tell that the house is different as well because the exterior shot of the Parker house was shot in New Westminster.
"Did I just whip out some interesting factoids during the review? Yeah, you bet your sweet ass I did." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ralphie meets up with his friends Flick and Schwartz, played by David W. Thompson and David Buehrle, as they walk to school while talking about what most teenage boys do in the 1940s. Talk about Rita Hayworth.
Ralphie Parker (Played by Braeden Lemasters): Rita Hayworth?
Flick (Played by David W. Thompson): See for yourself, it's playing at the Majestic. I sat through it three times.
Schwartz (Played by David Buehrle): How naked?
Flick: Thirty percent.
"I'm guessing the actor playing Flick is channelling Scott Schwartz's porno days." Sean said.
(Ralphie, Flick and Schwartz stop walking as they see something that catches their eyes)
Flick: Holy moly. She's beautiful.
(Ralphie and Flick start walking over towards something as Schwartz follows. And we see it's a car that they're looking at)
Sean: (Narrating) And here, we see that the entire point of this movie is Ralphie quest for a car for his first car for Christmas. Yeah, in the first film, Ralphie wanted a BB gun for Christmas. Now, his biggest wish is to get a car. Oh, good. Instead of shooting his eye out, he can run himself over. Also, whatever happened to Ralphie's gun? There's no mention of it. What? Suddenly, he got older and figured that he doesn't want the damn thing?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: (as Ralphie) What? This? Oh, please. I don't need that stupid BB gun. I'm a teenager. I'm into girls and cars and having awesome hair. Who plays around with BB guns anymore?
(Sean throws his gun to the side. His gun goes off and a sound clip from Training Day plays in the background)
Det. Alonzo Harris (Played by Denzel Washington): (Off-screen) Oh, shit! Ohhhh, you motherfucker!
(Sean's eyes widened in surprise)
Sean: (Narrating) Ummm... deuces!
(Sean immediately runs out of the room)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
(Cut to Ralphie getting a driving lesson from The Old Man)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we see Ralphie getting a driving lesson from The Old Man. Hopefully, they get into a bad accident. And The Old Man gets very annoying and it's not even funny.
The Old Man: Hey, ease up. You wanna drive the 500, Indy's right down Route 6./Don't take the corner in third. Who's gonna pay for a new transmission?/You're letting this joker cut in? It's dog-eat-dog out here. Stake your claim. (He reaches over and mashes the horn) Son of a bitch!
"Isn't that what Daniel Stern said when he read the script for the movie?" Sean asked.
The Old Man: Stop sign!
(Ralphie passes the stop sign and hits the brakes)
The Old Man: Stop sign.
(A clip from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York is shown)
Marv (Played by Daniel Stern): I'm gonna murder that kid.
Sean: (Narrating) Ralphie and his friends arrive at school and he sees someone who definitely catches his eyes.
Narrator: Drucilla Gootrad. My sweet Drucilla. Beauty incarnate.
(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)
Yakko and Wakko Warner (Voiced by Rob Paulsen and Jess Harnell): Helloooo nurse!
Sean: (Narrating) This token hot chick that Ralphie is going to end up with by the end of this movie is Drucilla Gootrad, played by Tiera Skovbye. You know, Polly Cooper from Riverdale. We see that Ralphie is lusting over Drucilla, but she's going out with this guy named Todd Chapin, played by Nick Mandryk, respectively.
Narrator: I didn't stand a chance with her. No one did. Unless you were a quarterback by the name of Todd Chapin, a feat which would require developing strikingly chiseled features and then beating Elkhart Lutheran on the final play with a 60-yard bomb.
"You know, if I want to watch a movie where the nerdy guy gets the hot chick, I would just watch Transformers or Spider-Man." Sean said.
Narrator: The rest of us, those wretched souls who couldn't throw or catch or leap or shoot, would have to settle for being with her in our dreams.
(We then get a dream sequence where Drucilla is being held captive by a Nazi agent)
Sean: (Narrating) Then, we get a dream sequence where Drucilla is being interrogated by a Nazi agent... because the first film did it.
Nazi Interrogator (Played by Alex Zahara): Now then you will share with us the location of the resistance fighters? Perhaps I could help to refresh your memory.
(Drucilla spits in the Nazi's face. Afterwards, he wipes his face with his hand, kisses it and laughs)
"Oh, God. What kind of sick, perverted dream is this kid having? I hope the Nostalgia Critic doesn't mind if I borrow the Perverted Ralphie Counter for this one. Let's add this one to number 1." Sean said.
Perverted Ralphie Counter: #1
"Also, before I forget, I'm gonna need some alcoholic egg nog for this one, just in case." Sean said as he pulled out a bottle of Evan Williams alcoholic egg nog and sat it on the table. "Oh, and Ralphie's mom sounding like she was aroused when she poured the bacon fat into the can, we can add that to the counter."
Perverted Ralphie Counter: #2
(Back in the dream sequence, Ralphie is dressed as an American soldier and busts in through the window)
Ralphie Parker: I ain't her boyfriend. (Spits) Not yet, anyway.
(The Nazi pulls out his pistol and points it at Drucilla)
Nazi Interrogator: Don't try anything fancy, soldier boy.
Ralphie Parker: Oh, yeah? How's this?
(Ralphie shoots at the fan as it falls on top of the Nazi agent's head, knocking him out. Drucilla smiles at Ralphie and hold her tied hand out to Ralphie so he can free her, which Ralphie does)
Drucilla Gootrad (Played by Tiera Skovbye): (In a French accent) Oh, mon cherie. You saved me from a fate worse than death.
"Hate to break it to you, Polly. But you're still in the movie. As for you in Riverdale, you end up getting tortured and killed by the Starkweather family. I swear, that show got weirder and weirder in every season." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, shouldn't the dream sequence make more sense if the Nazi was played by Todd Chapin? But, he's not, so it doesn't. And really, did his dream sequence have to take place in World War II?
"It's like me fantasizing over saving Taylor from foreign terrorists. A dream that I actually had." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that dream sequence, Ralphie and The Old Man are looking to find a used car. So, they go to see Hank Catenhauser, played by Gerard Plunkett, to snag a deal on a car. Then, Ralphie sees the car that he likes, which is a 1939 Mercury Model-Eight Convertible, he has another fantasy where he's driving the car with Drucilla by his side.
The Old Man: He's over-barrel this time, Ralphie boy. We got him good.
Ralphie Parker: Oh, you bet, Dad. The Parker boys strike again.
The Old Man: Hey, you know what they say, the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. Huh? Huh?
Narrator: Oh, The Old Man was a veritable cliche repository, never hesitating to haul out one of life's tired truisms for our edification.
(Cut to The Old Man working on the car)
The Old Man: You know what they say, if you don't ask, you don't dance./(Cut to him shaving) You know what they say, every dog has his day./(Cut to him painting the porch) You know what they say, if anything can go wrong, it will.
"Isn't that what Brian Levant said about this movie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) We then see Ralphie sneaking an ad in the paper, because the first film did it. And planting seeds into his parents' subconcious because the first film also did it. Oh, yeah, also...
(Smoke and ash soon come out of one of the grates, surprising The Old Man)
The Old Man: Ah! It's a clinker!
"Again, the first movie did it!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, quick question: how come the family could afford to get a new car, but they couldn't afford to get a new furnace? They never answer the question, so fuck it.
(The next scene is shown, where we see Ralphie at music class playing the cymbals, standing above and behind Drusilla)
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Ralphie is in music class and he's lusting over Drucilla, in the most creepy way possible.
(Ralphie is banging his cymbals)
Narrator: For 45 minutes, twice a week, Drucilla and I could be together. Not face-to-face, but still close enough to smell her lavender-scented shampoo.
(Ralphie leans in close to take a big inhale of Drucilla's hair and sighs)
"Ooookay, kid. Tone down the creepiness just a tad bit. I do not want to increase the Perverted Ralphie Counter up to seven." Sean said.
(Ralphie continues to bang his cymbals a little too excited)
Narrator: Someday, my beauty, there'll be a veil upon that hair. And I'll lift it, so our lips can meet as they pronounce us man and wife.
(Ralphie goes out of control while banging the cymbals, like he's having an orgasm. Flick puts his hand on Ralphie's shoulder to get him to stop)
We cut back to Sean, as we see him make a shocked look on his face from what he just witnessed. He stayed silent for a bit, then began to speak.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, that was creepy. Hell, even Dennis Reynolds from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia was a bigger creep than Ralphie in this movie.
"That is just messed up right there. Now I'm gonna have to bring the counter up to seven." Sean said as the Perverted Ralphie Counter goes up from 2 to 7.
Perverted Ralphie Counter: #7
Conductor (Played by Anthony Dodd): A litte less holiday spirit, Mr. Parker.
(The students laugh)
"Oh, I think he released some of that holiday spirit in his pants, if you know what I mean." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after that exremely creepy moment from Ralphie, we see that Ralphie, Flick and Schwartz head over to the dealership, only to find that Ralphie's dream car being put on display. So, Ralphie gets inside the car to see what it's like behind the wheel. Oh, I'm sure nothing bad will happen here.
(Flick and Schwartz spot Hank stepping out of his office with a potential buyer)
Schwartz: (Bangs on the windshield) Ralph. Ralph.
(They point to Hank's direction as Ralphie turns and sees him)
Ralphie Parker: Oh. Uh...
(Ralphie tries to get out of the car, but his pant leg gets caught on the stick shift, making it go into reverse and down the street. He gets out of his pants to get out of being stuck as the car bumps gently into a street light. Ralphie gets out of the car in his underwear, relieved)
Ralphie Parker: My first test drive. How'd I do?
"Dude, put some pants on! That's it. Increase the Perverted Ralphie Counter to eight." Sean said.
Perverted Ralphie Counter: #8
(The cable snaps as Ralphie looks up and sees the reindeer decoration fall in slow motion)
Ralphie Parker: (In slo-mo) Oooohhhhh, fffffffuuuuuuuudge!
(The reindeer decoration falls on top of the roof of the car, damaging the car)
"Oh, fudge you, movie. In fact, this whole fudging movie is stupid." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So because of him destroying the top of the car, Hank tells Ralphie that he has to pay him back $85 for a new top. Hell, $85 in 1946 translates over $1100 in 2023. So now, he's gotta find a way to get the money. But first, he has to talk to The Old Man about getting the money.
Ralphie Parker: Could I help you with anything? Hold the ladder? Mow the lawn?
The Old Man: Uh-oh. I know what that means.
Ralphie Parker: You do?
The Old Man: Sure. It means you need a little extra dough for Christmas, right?
Ralphie Parker: Sure do.
The Old Man: Well, you're lucky. I'm feeling extravagant tonight. Yeah. Why don't you get something nice for your mother? Huh? Like perfume or a scarf. From you and Randy. I'll give you a buck. I'll give you two! Huh? (Chuckles)
Ralphie Parker: Thanks, Dad. That's swell. Could I have 83 more?
(The Old Man glares at Ralphie)
The Old Man: Why?
(Cut to Mother Parker doing laundry)
The Old Man: (Off-screen) WHAT?!
(The Old Man mutters angrily)
"Well, he took that pretty well. Even though, I can't understand a damn word that he said." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, The Old Man won't give Ralphie the money, which means that he's screwed and he'll end up going to prison. Then Ralphie, comes up with a brilliant idea on how to get the money. Which is to get a job, of course.
Ralphie Parker: It's Christmas, right?
(Flick and Schwartz nod their heads)
Ralphie Parker: Higbee's will hire anybody on Christmas. We'll go tomorrow. That's the ticket, guys. Getting jobs. We'll work our butts off, 12 hours a day.
"I'm sure you guys will be the world's greatest employees. God we're screwed. Just send the little four-eyed fuck to prison." Sean said.
Narrator: I'd be the kind of part-time holiday help that legends are made of.
(We cut to another dream sequence where Ralphie is awarded Employee of the Year by President Franklin D. Roosevelt)
Sean: (Narrating) OH, MY GOD! ENOUGH WITH THE DREAM SEQUENCES, MOVIE! Hell, I have less cutaway gags than you!
Franklin Roosevelt (Played by Ross Douglas): Please accept this token of your country's esteem, and my personal congratulations.
(FDR gives Ralphie a bag of money)
Ralphie Parker: Thank you, Mr. President.
(The crowd cheers and applauds. Ralphie throws money at the crowd of people. He stops and sees Drucilla cheering him on)
Ralphie Parker: Drucilla.
"I still don't know anything about you, but the audience still wants us to get together. Now, kiss me, baby." Sean said, imitating Ralphie.
(Drucilla leans in and kisses Ralphie on the lips)
Sean: (Narrating) So after that pointless dream sequence, The Old Man gives up on fighting with the furnace and calls a professional who ends up telling him that the furnace is on it's last legs and that he needs a new one. But when he offers him a new furnace, The Old Man just kicks him out. And later, Mother Parker and The Old Man head to the store to get a turkey for Christmas.
(The Old Man looks at the price on the turkey)
The Old Man: I'm sorry, what is this? A serial number or something?
Butcher: (Played by Viv Leacock): No, no. That's the price.
The Old Man: No, that's a mistake. It has to be.
Butcher: Uh, no, sir, 40 cents a pound.
(The Old Man scoffs and sits the turkey down on the counter)
The Old Man: (To Ma Parker) We can go now, dear.
Mother: Oh, but- But that's ours.
The Old Man: No. That was ours. Now that's somebody else's. We're not paying for that.
"Wow! The Old Man went from being a turkey lover in the last film to objecting to the price of 40 cents a pound. Way to ruin character development, movie." Sean said.
The Old Man: 40 cents a pound? Hell, why not 50? Or why not a whole dollar? Huh? Why not I just open up my wallet and dump it out on the floor?
Butcher: How about a nice pot roast?
"Or a nice prime rib? You can have that instead of turkey. As for me, I like to have both turkey and prime rib." Sean said.
Butcher: Cheapskate.
"You took the words right out of my mouth, brother man." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Since The Old Man doesn't want to pay forty cents a pound for a turkey, he thinks of something else to have for Christmas dinner. And it's fish, so he figures he could do some ice fishing to save them some money.
Randy Parker: This couldn't possibly end well.
"That's exactly what I was thinking when I first watched the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Ralphie and his friends are starting their first day at Higbees. Hopefully, some "funny" hijinks ensues. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
(Ralphie and his friends are surrounded by a crowd of customers while working the gift wrapping section)
Flick: Wait, Schwartz, double it twice, right?
Schwartz: No, you idiot. Double it then add half.
(Flick shrugs his shoulders and removes the wrapping paper off of the gift)
Ralphie Parker: All right, next.
(The customers are shouting at them)
Irritable Woman (Played by France Perras): I want to know where my tea set is.
Ralphie Parker: Uh, ma'am, please, be patient.
"Man, that's the life of having a job. Look at what I have to deal with at Kroger's. I have to deal with customers who want to act like assholes. The customer is always right, my ass." Sean said.
(The irritable woman screams)
Irritable Woman: My baby! Where's my baby?
(The sound of the woman's baby's whimpering is heard as she turns around and see that her baby is wrapped up in gift wrapping paper. Schwartz makes this "I fucked up" look on his face. The mother ends up fainting)
Ralphie Parker: (To Schwartz) You wrapped her daughter?
Schwartz: I put a pink bow on it.
"Nice job, doughface. You just wrapped a little baby. Nice job for your first day." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then hijinks ensues as Ralphie and his cronies are working in different departments of Higbees. Wait, did I say "hijinks"? I meant "lowjinks" because they're trying so damn hard to be funny.
Assistant Manager (Played by Shawn Macdonald): Observe. Excuse me, miss. Care to sample our new fragrance?
(The assistant manager shows Schwartz how to give out samples of perfumes to customers. The female customer likes it and moves on)
Assistant Manager: You think you can manage that?
We then cut to Sean, who's now in black and white while he's standing in front of a conveyor belt a la I Love Lucy.
"Now, I want you to wrap up each piece of candy and wrap it in one of these papers and put it back on the belt. You understand? And if one piece of candy gets past you and into the packing room unwrapped, you're fired." Sean said, imitating the factory foreman from I Love Lucy while a laugh track plays in the background.
Schwartz: Miss, would you care to sample our new fragrance?
(Schwartz tries to give out a sample of perfume to a female customer, but he ends up spraying himself in the face. We cut to Flick, who is seen carrying a bunch of shoeboxes and he ends up tripping on a footstool. We then cut to Ralphie, who is seen trying to unhook a bra from off of a mannequin)
"Come on, Ralphie. Just imagine that the mannequin is your lovely Drucilla. Hell, it's the closest thing you'll get to see some boobies." Sean said. "Also, let's add it to the Perverted Ralphie Counter."
Perverted Ralphie Counter: #9
(We cut to Flick, who is seen trying to squeeze a shoe onto a woman's foot like he's Al Bundy. Then, we cut back to Ralphie, who is seen trying to romance the mannequin. And back to Schwartz as he sprays perfume at a female customer with a dog, then the dog starts barking at him, scaring him)
We cut back to Sean as we see him pouring himself some alcoholic egg nog into a whiskey glass and starts drinking it while witnessing the film's bad comedy.
(Back to the film as Schwartz tries to spray perfume on another female customer, but the nozzle flies off and he gets perfume the woman's blouse. Then, back to Flick as he tries to remove the same shoe from off of the woman's foot and back to Ralphie as he tries to remove the bra from off of the mannequin, but he ends up ripping the mannequin in half and falls backwards. Back to Flick, as he prys the same shoe off of the female customer's foot, but he ends up flinging it into some expensive glasses while falling onto the customer. Then, it's back to Schwartz as he wipes perfume off of the woman's blouse, making it look like he touching her breasts. The female customer clears her throat as her boyfriend, a Naval sailor, is standing behind Schwartz. He turns around and sees the sailor and smiles at him before he runs away, with the sailor chasing him down an escalator)
Ensign Payne (Played by Dan Payne): You better run!
"Oh, God. In the words of Galvatron, "This is bad comedy.". Sean said before he takes another sip of alcoholic egg nog. "Also, let's add this one to the Perverted Ralphie Counter."
Perverted Ralphie Counter: #10
Sean: (Narrating) So because of their screw-ups, Ralphie and his buddies don't get fired. Oh, no. Instead, they end up working in the mail room. Oh, sweet Jesus. Are you serious?! You're not firing those three stooges all because they can't do one simple job?!
"Look, movie. Why don't you do me a favor? How about instead of torturing me, why don't you just shoot me?" Sean asked as he removed his hat and grabbed a black marker to draw a bulls-eye on his forehead. "Do it. Just shoot me. SHOOT ME RIGHT IN MY FUCKING HEAD!"
(Cut to The Old Man preparing to go ice fishing)
Narrator: Oh, The Old Man prepard for ice fishing the same way Attila the Hun got ready to plunder the Balkans. There would be no prisoners on Hohman Lake this Christmas.
Sean: (Narrating) Christ! Does this narrator ever shut up? This guy keeps talking throughout the whole goddamn movie. The original film had less narration than this one! I mean, we don't need every single moment of life described to us. I mean, can you imagine something like this happening to me?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean grabbing himself a can of Sprecher's root beer from out of the refrigerator)
Narrator (Voiced by Jeff Bergman): And then I reached inside to grab myself a cold one to drink. I close the door to the fridge and I opened the can of my refreshing drink. (Sean looks confused after hearing the voice) I begin to hear a strange voice as I look around to see where it's coming from. (Sean looks at the camera) I look at the camera and made a glaring look at it as I sit my can of root beer down on the kitchen island. (Sean walks over to the kitchen table) I walked over to the kitchen table and I reached underneath to pull out my Desert Eagle, taking aim at the camera as I pull the hammer back...
Sean: Hey!
Narrator: Yes?
Sean: Knock it off!
Narrator: Sorry.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we have a subplot involving The Old Man going ice fishing because his cheap ass doesn't want to spend 40 cents a pound for a turkey. And Randy, poor Randy. He's getting dragged along with him to suffer sitting out in the bitter cold.
Mother: (To Randy) Sweetheart, you should be honored your father let's you go with him. Ralphie didn't get to go fishing till he was well past puberty.
"BULLSHIT! I call bullshit on that one! The Old Man did, in fact, take Ralphie fishing in It Runs In the Family. What? Suddenly, this movie is forgetting other events that happened in Ralphie's life?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, hopefully, Randy gets out of this one as he bites into a frozen candy bar that ends up breaking his tooth and has to go to the dentist and The Old Man is left alone to go ice fishing. But enough about him now as we check back in on the Three Stooges working in the mail room and since this movie doesn't get enough of repeating the same jokes, here's one that would piss you off.
(Flick looks back at Ralphie and Schwartz at the phone before turning his attention to the mail tube)
Narrator: Well, you know what they say, those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
(Flick sticks his tongue out and he soon gets a vacuum around his tongue and lips like it's trying to rip them out. We then get treated to a close-up of his tongue and lips)
"Well, there's an unpleasant image that'll definitely give you nightmares. Hell, if this movie was shot in 3-D, then that should would freak people out." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Ralphie and Schwartz free Flick from getting his soul sucked...
"I cannot believe that I made that Mortal Kombat reference for this review." Sean said as he rubbed his temples.
Sean: (Narrating) ...the assitant manaager runs in to tell them that there's an emergency, so they have to stand in as elves for a really mean-spirited Santa who's being mean to all of the kiddies. Yeah, I wouldn't trust a Santa who's being played by Scorby from The Fly II (A picture of actor Garry Chalk as Scorby is shown next to his character, the Higbee's Santa).
Higbee's Santa (Played by Garry Chalk): All right. Look over there, genius. That's the ticket.
(Ralphie and the Higbee's Santa and the little girl look at the camera as the photographer takes a picture)
Higbee's Santa: All right. What's your story? What do you want?
Girl on Lap (Played by Nicolle Ilich): Can I get a Slinky?
Higbee's Santa: A Slinky?
Girl on Lap: Mm-hm.
Higbee's Santa: You mean to say you waited two hours in line to ask for a bed spring? That's it?
(The little girl nods her head)
Higbee's Santa: (Chuckles) Come on, kid, dream big.
(A clip from Back to the Future Part III is shown)
Marty McFly (Played by Michael J. Fox): He's an asshole!
Sean: (Narrating) And after seeing what a dick that Santa is towards the children, Ralphie has had enough.
Ralphie Parker: I just think you could go a little easier on them, that's all.
Higbee's Santa: Excuse me. I've been delighting children for 19 years. Don't you step on my turf.
Ralphie Parker: No. We should hold Santa to a higher standard. I mean, you're taking the spirit out of it.
Higbee's Santa: You want dispirited? Come spend the day at my house. (Mimicking wife) "Get off your lard ass and make some money." Yeah, so she can spend it on punchboards and cheap gin. That's dispirited.
"Oh, yeah. Mean Santa. Where have I seen this before? Oh, yeah. The first movie!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Ralphie then starts a revolt, which involves Flick and Schwartz having a candy cane fight like it's Star Wars. Huh? No wonder the original elves left. They started a union. Meanwhile, The Old Man is busy doing some ice fishing until Ma Parker shows up to join him. Don't you just love the fake CGI for the lake. Man, they're goin' places! Also, how much was gas prices back in the 1940s?
(Suddenly, the fishing line gets hit and Mother and The Old Man are trying to get the fish up)
The Old Man: Hey, whoa! I got it! (Grabs the rod) Hang on! I got it.
Mother: I'm trying.
The Old Man: Whoa! It's a monster. Oh! It's prehistoric. Get the net.
"Hey, we're gonna be eating well for Christmas, honey!" Sean exclaimed, imitating The Old Man.
(The fish comes up, but gets stuck in the hole as it seems that The Old Man has cut the hole too small)
Mother: It looks like your hole may be a little too-
The Old Man: Yeah, I know what it looks like.
"Well, maybe you should've cut the hole a little bigger, you fucking moron. Maybe cutting a hole in the ice costs about 40 cents." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They end up losing the fish, which pisses off The Old Man and he takes his frustrations out on his wife.
Mother: Sorry. I'm just trying to help.
(The Old Man laughs)
The Old Man: Haven't you done enough of that already?
Mother: You know, I'm not quite sure what you mean.
The Old Man: That means that you jinxed it! That's what it means. It means that everything was going great till you showed up.
Mother: Really? Well, good. Because I never wanna set foot out here again.
The Old Man: Good.
Mother: Trying to get Christmas dinner through a little hole in the ice. This has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
"I beg to differ, A Christmas Story Live is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of." Sean said.
Mother: All you do is skimp. You skimp on the furnace and skimp on the turkey and skimp on the car. You wouldn't even help out your own son when he needed it.
The Old Man: You talking about Ralph? You ever hear of setting an example?
Mother: Oh, yes, job well done there.
The Old Man: I was being a good parent.
Mother: You were being a cheap son of a bi-!
(Ma Parker covers her mouth in shock)
"Language, Mother Parker! This is a PG movie, it's meant for kids." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, the assistant manager does the most sensible thing, he fires Ralphie and his friends. Thank you! They're the biggest screw-ups ever. Jail time is looking nice for you. And after getting some advice from The Old Man, Ralphie heads back to get his job back.
Ralphie Parker: I'll do whatever you want, no slip-ups. Please. It's Christmas.
Assistant Manager: Security!
Ralphie Parker: No! I am not going anywhere. I am a stubborn son of a bitch just like he is.
"Okay, a few more "sons of bitches" to add there, and you'll have yourself the lyrics to Nazareth's Hair of the Dog." Sean said.
(The song "Hair of the Dog" by Nazareth plays while clips of the movie are shown)
Chorus: Now you're messin' with a...
Randy Parker: Son of a bitch.
Chorus: Now you're messin with a...
The Old Man: Son of a bitch!
Chorus: Now you're messin with a...
Ralphie Parker: Son of a bitch...
Chorus: Now you're messin with a...
Mother: Son of a bi- (Covers her mouth)
Sean: (Narrating) So, the assistant manager gives Ralphie another shot, and this time, Ralphie is dressed as a reindeer while holding a sign advertising for Higbee's. There's no way he could possibly fuck this one up.
(Ralphie is shaking a sign advertising the store while a guy is ringing a bell for the Salvation Army and the man looks like he's dressed as a Gestapho agent. Suddenly, the two get into a battle over who can get more attention with Ralphie jumping up and down and the other guy ringing his bell)
Sean: (Narrating) What the hell am I watching here? Am I watching Ralphie getting into a sidewalk showdown with a Gestapho agent working for the Salvtion Army while they're both having a spasm attack?
(A clip from Transformers: The Movie is shown)
Galvatron (Voiced by Leonard Nimoy): This is bad comedy.
Sean: (Narrating) After winning King of the Sidewalk, Ralphie sees is dream girl Drucilla walking with Todd Chapin and his worst fear of embarrassment is kicking in. He tries to hide, but he ends up getting knocked down by Mr. Gestapho agent and knocks down his donation money. Ralphie tries to help pick it up for him, but some guy ends up taking a dollar and Ralphie confronts the guy.
Ralphie Parker: Sir, uh, that 5, um, it's not yours. Guy on the corner's collecting money.
Burly Guy (Played by Paul Lazenby): Oh, yeah? Well, you tell him I said job well done.
Ralphie Parker: Come on, sir. It's for charity.
Burly Guy: Take a hike, Bambi. I don't know what you're talking about.
Ralphie Parker: Actually, you do.
(The burly guy approaches Ralphie while a sound clip from The Death of Stalin plays)
Vasily Stalin (Played by Rupert Friend): Medic!
(The burly man punches Ralphie in the gut)
Field Marshal Georgy Zhukov (Played by Jason Isaacs): Not today!
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, after getting punched in the gut and embarrassed in front of the passerbys and his dream girl, Ralphie counts up his total earnings, but he is still $1 short. So, where's is he going to get the last buck? Well, it turns out that Schwartz has been holding out on them.
(Schwartz has his hand in his pocket)
Flick: What's in the pocket, Schwartz?
(Cut to a scene from The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King)
Sam (Played by Sean Astin): What are you up to? Sneaking off, are we?
Gollum (Played by Andy Serkis): Sneaking? Sneaking?
Schwartz: You can't have my lucky buck.
Ralphie Parker: Your what?
Schwartz: My lucky buck. I got it from Grandpa Maury. And I still remember the look on his face when he gave it to me.
"And I remember what it said on my lucky buck. It says, "You are not the father"." Sean said, imitating Schwartz.
Sean: (Narrating) Not caring that his friend is going to end up in jail, Schwartz does not want to part with his lucky buck. So, Ralphie and Flick tackle him down to get his dollar.
(Ralphie and Flick try to grab the dollar from Schwartz. While that's going on, Randy opens the door and walks in as he sees the mayhem that's going on, even getting Schwartz's pants as they fly off as well as his shoe and sock. Randy catches Schwartz pants and smiles)
"Oookay, now there's something to add to the Perverted Ralphie Counter." Sean said.
Perverted Ralphie Counter: #11
Sean: (Narrating) So after grabbing Schwartz's dollar after stripping him out of his clothes, Ralphie finally has $85 and he can go pay the salesman. Looks like he won't be going to jail after all and all is right with the world.
(Ralphie walks past the store that has the leg lamp)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, look. It's the leg lamp, because... first movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bite me, movie. But then, he sees a homeless family in the alley trying to keep warm and being the kind, giving person that he is, Ralphie uses the money for the car nd uses it to take the poor family out for dinner. And it's the same Chinese restaurant from the first movie. And as much as I harp on this movie, I love the fact that Ralphie is helping out this poor family.
"Also, there is this one important matter... you're still going to fucking jail! Be prepared to become somebody's bitch in prison." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) He goes to the salesman and he tells him what he's done, and the dealer let's him go free. So, Ralphie dodged the bullet on that one. As for the fish dilemma, Ralphie's mother uses the money that she was saving up for to buy a fish, claiming that their father caught it. And now, we cut to Christmas Day as the Parker family open up their gifts. And we're repeating the same joke, like an embarrasing gift from Aunt Clara, this time it's a sailor suit for Randy. Plus, The Old Man gets a very special gift, and we all know what it is.
(Ralphie's mother looks on in shock as she drops her cup of hot cocoa)
Mother: My God. It's risen from the grave.
The Old Man: (Carrying his leg lamp) Isn't it beautiful? It's beautiful. This is the greatest Christmas in history.
"Yeah, he gets a leg lamp because the first movie did it!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) As for Ralphie, he gets his dream car. Now, all is right with the world. Until, he runs into his dream girl.
Drucilla Gootrad: You should really leave the car in gear when it's parked. My dad says that.
Ralphie Parker: Good advice.
"Holy crap! She speaks! She finally speaks!" Sean exclaimed.
Drucilla Gootrad: Do you remember the other day, in front of Higbee's? Antlers, sleigh bells?
Ralphie Parker: Uh, yeah. Look, I can explain.
Drucilla Gootrad: You don't have to. I saw what you did. It takes a lot of guts to stand up to a jerk like that. You don't see that very often. I guess I just wanted you to know that.
"Hey, I guess girls love guys who like getting slugged in the gut by big bald guys. It turns them all." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! Ralphie gets his dream car and he gets his dream girl. And we forget about this shitstain of a movie.
"And that was A Christmas Story 2. Boy, what a shameful sequel." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) What a way to kill a beloved Christmas classic. And I'm a big fan of the original. No wonder I dread reviewing this one. This movie is not worth sitting through this torture. It's unfunny, tedious and it just rips off classic and memorable scenes from the original for no reason and to remind us that the original exists and this is not it. God, I'm so glad that we got a better film than this one. And it's A Christmas Story Christmas. God, I should've reviewed this movie. To make this short and simple, the movie is bad. Stay away from it. Stick with the original. A Christmas Story 2 comes in at 1 returned turkey out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and Mayhem Critic Christmas Month has just begun. Hopefully, the next movie that I review is much better." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- I am a stubborn son of a bitch just like he is.
And that is all for the review of A Christmas Story 2. That's one film down, three left. Man, I've dreaded reviewing this one, because this is a movie that I did not care for and wished that this movie never existed. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean reviews the It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Christmas special titled A Very Sunny Christmas. Is this one of the hilarious Christmas specials ever? After that one, it's the review of The Santa Clause. Don't forget to review the chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.