The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious and fun chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Last time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean and his friends talked about ABC's greatest programming block TGIF to relive some of those fond memories. Today, it's time to pay tribute to the late Carl Weathers as Sean reviews the 1988 film Action Jackson, a film that he loves with all of it's 80s cheesy goodness. Is this movie one of Carl Weathers' finest? Or will it be blown up with a grenade launcher? It's one-liners and hard-hitting action, so strap yourselves in, this is the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved with this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Action Jackson is owned by Lorimar Film Entertainment, Silver Pictures and Warner Bros.
Episode 205
Action Jackson
This Review Is Dedicated to the Memory of
CARL WEATHERS
1948-2024
(We open with the new intro to the Mayhem Critic. After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch wearing a red t-shirt, denim jeans and white Adidas sneakers)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And you're probably wondering why I'm dressed up as Blood from the arcade game Vendetta. No, actually I'm dressed up as Carl Weathers for today's review. So, let's talk about him." Sean said.
(A montage of pictures of Carl Weathers is shown, followed by a series of clips from various movies and TV shows that he was on are shown while the "Living in America" by James Brown plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) This month, we were devastated from the news of his passing. He was a part of our childhood. And as a kid, we grew up watching the Rocky movies, where he played Rocky's rival-turned-best friend Apollo Creed. And he was best known for that role. And yes, I admit I did cry from when Apollo Creed died in Rocky IV after Ivan Drago killed him. But aside from the Rocky series, he's done some other work like Predator, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Toy Story 4, Happy Gilmore, The Mandalorian and In the Heat of the Night. We saw a FanDuel commercial that paid tribute to the late actor during the Super Bowl and we held back tears from when we saw the commercial. He's an excellent actor and a nice guy and he will be missed.
"And today, I'm gonna do something special. Today, I'm gonna pay tribute to Carl Weathers by talking about one of his best performances yet." Sean said.
(A poster for the 1990 film Dangerous Passion, starring Carl Weathers and Billy Dee Williams, is shown)
"No, not that. I'm talking about Action Jackson." Sean said.
(A poster for the 2014 Indian Hindi action film called Action Jackson is shown)
"NO! NOT THAT ONE! I'm talking about the one from 1988 starring Carl Weathers." Sean said.
(A poster for the 1988 film Action Jackson is shown)
"That's the one." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Action Jackson" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "Action Jackson" by Madame X plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on February 12th, 1988, Action Jackson is the starring vehicle for Carl Weathers came up with the idea while he was working on Predator and he told producer Joel Silver about it and he loved blaxploitation films. So, Weathers came up with a story and the character, or at least the title. And Silver found a screenwriter who wrote the screenplay for the movie. And that's when the idea of Action Jackson was made. The movie was written by Robert Reneau, who would go on to write the screenplay for Demolition Man five years later. The movie is also produced by Joel Silver, who we all know him for producing big action movies that we all know and love with films like Lethal Weapon 1-4, Die Hard, Die Hard 2, Predator, Road House, Ricochet, The Matrix series, The Last Boy Scout and many more. The film was directed by Craig R. Baxley, which is his directorial debut. Baxley is known for working as a stunt coordinator and stuntman. Aside from directing Action Jackson, he also directed the 1990 sci-fi thriller I Come in Peace a.k.a. Dark Angel starring Dolph Lundgren…
(A clip from I Come in Peace a.k.a. Dark Angel is shown)
Talec (Played by Matthias Hues): I come in peace.
Jack Caine (Played by Dolph Lundgren): And you go in pieces, asshole.
(Caine fires Talec's gun at the nearby drums of fuel, killing Talec as it explodes)
Sean: (Narrating) He also directed the movie Stone Cold…
(A poster for the 2005 television movie Stone Cold starring Tom Selleck is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Not that one.
(A picture of wrestler "Stone Cold" Steve Austin is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you wish it was him. No, I'm talking about the 1991 film starring Brian Bosworth. And he also directed two Stephen King adaptations: Storm of the Century and Rose Red. After the film was released, it was box office success, but it got slammed by critics, but there are fans who love the film and it became a cult hit. It's bad yet good, it has that right amount of '80s action cheese. It's a movie that I saw on a Starz in Black when I was like 12 years old, and I loved it. You have some bad jokes, big action, tasteful nudity and Carl Weathers dropping one-liners like he's Schwarzenegger. Did I mention that I love this movie? Does this movie deserves some more love? Well, let's tune in and find out.
"Get ready for some Action… Jackson. And get some satisfaction. Okay, that was bad. This is Action Jackson." Sean said.
(The movie opens with a shot of Detroit's Renaissance Center as the credit "A SILVER PICTURES PRODUCTION" is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) We open with the movie kindly letting us know that it's "A Silver Pictures Production", we see a member of the Auto Workers Alliance named Frank Stringer, played by Ed O'Ross, and his secretary Liz played by Mary Ellen Trainor, are busy burning the midnight oil.
(Frank gives his secretary a massage)
Frank Stringer (Played by Ed O'Ross): Don't be in such a hurry to get home.
Liz (Played by Mary Ellen Trainor): You can't possibly have a better suggestion.
Frank Stringer: Ho-ho, so happens I do.
"Dude, if it involves you trying to bang your secretary, now that's grounds for sexual harassment." Sean said.
(Frank grabs the remote to turn on the TV. He has a little trouble with the remote)
Liz: Oh, Frank. (Gets up from off of the chair)
Frank Stringer: Boy, I'll tell you, these things never work.
(Liz walks over to the television and turns it on, a boxing match is playing)
Liz: Ugh.
Frank Stringer: Oh, what? You got something against violence?
"Or maybe just watch boxing. Ok, that's fine. That's one way of burning the midnight oil." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, don't you just love that you have two actors from Lethal Weapon? That was also produced by Joel Silver. And in the same year as Action Jackson, Mary Ellen Trainor appeared in Die Hard as a female reporter. That's another film produced by Joel Silver. That dude takes care of his people.
(Frank and Liz hear a thud coming from the roof)
Frank Stringer: You dating Santa Claus?
(Liz laughs, then screams as a group of assassins come crashing through the window)
Sean: (V/O as Assassin) Ho-ho-ho, motherfucker!
(One of the assassins knocks Liz through a plate-glass partition, killing her)
"Jesus Christ! He knocked the soul right out of her body." Sean said.
(Stringer reaches inside his suit jacket and pulls out his Beretta 92F pistol and shoots at the television, then he starts shooting at his vase on a shelf and his books. Stringer turns around and sees his desk moving)
Frank Stringer: Jesus Christ!
(Stringer shoots at his desk)
"Suddenly, that dude mastered the unlimited ammo cheat, when in real life, he could run out of bullets easily after wasting them." Sean said.
(One of the assassins, named Marlin, throws a butterfly knife at Stringer's hand, pinning him to the door)
"Ooh! No way he ain't usin' that hand now. That's the hand he uses to rub one out to Athena Faris." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that these hired goons…
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)
Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): Hired goons?
(Homer opens the door as two hired goons yank him out of the house. The bald goon returns and straightens his tie and closes the door)
Sean: (Narrating) …are known as The Invisible Men, and they are here to rough up Stringer and to kill him.
(One of the Invisible Men, named Shaker, played by Dennis Hayden, is armed with a rotary grenade launcher. He points it at Stringer and shoots him with it, knocking him through a window. We see his burning body falling while the song "It's Raining Men" by The Weather Girls plays in the background. Stringer crashes through the skylight and hits the ground next to a couple who are sitting at a table. The woman screams in horror until the next scene cuts to an auto assembly line while upbeat music plays)
"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No way." Sean said as he smiled a bit.
Sean: (Narrating) There's no way you're starting your movie off with people getting killed and you cut to the opening credits and have upbeat music playing.
"Can you imagine something like this happening in a movie? Imagine if Batman: Mask of the Phantasm did something like that." Sean said.
(Cut to a clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm)
Chuckie Sol (Voiced by Dick Miller): This time I've got you, you lousy stinkin'…
(The Phantasm jumps out of the way and vanishes in a cloud of smoke)
Chuckie Sol: What?!
(Sol's car crashes through the parking garage, screaming and crashes into a building, instantly killing him. We then cut to the opening credits with the CGI Gotham. Instead of a choir chanting in Latin, we get "Batdance" by Prince replacing Shirley Walker's fantastic score)
Sean: (Narrating) We get our opening credits, which features shots of Detroit while the song "He Turned Me Out" by The Pointer Sisters plays. Also, we see that the music score was done by Herbie Hancock and Michael Kamen. Yeah, pretty odd combination, but yet it's an awesome music score and Michael Kamen is one of my favorite music composers.
Officer Kornblau (Played by Thomas F. Wilson): It was a regular fuck-a-rama at my place last night.
Officer Lack (Played by Roger Aaron Brown): Can the shit, Kornblau. There ain't been any pussy at your pad since your mother helped you move in. They ought to call your place "The House of Wacks".
"Hey, Biff from Back to the Future is in this movie. And he's a cop too. I'm guessing that punch from George McFly made him change his ways." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Officer Kornblau, played by Thomas F. Wilson, and his partner Officer Lack, played by Roger Aaron Brown, spot a young man who's trying to steal a woman's purse, but he ends up failing miserably like the criminals on TruTV's World's Dumbest. The dude gets beaten up by the woman with her purse. So, they arrest young Albert Smith, played by Stan Foster, and they tell him about "Action" Jackson to scare him.
Albert Smith (Played by Stan Foster): Who's Actson-?
Officer Lack: Action, Albert. Action Jackson.
Officer Kornblau: Yeah. Some say he didn't even have a mother. That some researchers at NASA created him to be the first man to walk on the moon without a space suit.
Officer Lack: Mm-hm.
Officer Kornblau: Other say his mother was molested by Bigfoot. And Jackson is their mutant offspring.
Officer Lack: They bring in Jackson when they want to re-educate some young ne'er-do-well. Such as yourself, Albert.
Officer Kornblau: Yeah, I remember one kid got re-educated so bad, his testicles climbed back up into his belly. Wouldn't come out.
Officer Lack: They called it a medical miracle.
Officer Kornblau: Another kid, handcuffed to a chair. Gnawed his own hand off like a trapped skunk or wolverine or something.
Officer Lack: Jackson is so vicious, we don't even let him have a gun.
Albert Smith: Is he here?
Officer Kornblau: Yeah. Sometimes he gets so riled up you gotta use one of those Wild Kingdom tranquilizer darts just to keep him in his chair.
(Officer Lack laughs)
"I heard one time Action Jackson ripped off a guy's head and used it as a bowling ball. Other's claimed that he knocked out Boris Yeltsin's drunk ass with one punch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While they get this kid ready for Action Jackson, Officer Lack and Officer Kornblau take some time to hit on some hooker, who would love to offer her services to horny cops.
Officer Lack: How much do you charge for a hand job? My partner has sprained his wrist.
Hooker (Played by Harri James, credited as Diana James): Maybe you'd like to try a foot job instead.
Officer Lack: Ooh.
Hooker: Ooh.
"Don't give them any ideas, lady. I'm pretty sure that Dan Schneider is into that type of thing." Sean said.
Officer Kornblau: And how much is that?
Hooker: For you, it's free.
(The hooker kicks Kornblau in the nuts)
"Biff, you butthead!" Sean exclaimed.
(Albert starts to make his escape from police custody)
Officer Lack: Stop that kid!
(The other officers try to stop Albert from escaping)
Cop #1: Stupid son of a bitch!
Cop #2: Little shit! I'm gonna break your legs! Grab him! Get that little shit!
(The cops continue to chase Albert, until he bumps into a cop who's pouring coffee and makes him drop the coffee pot onto someone's desk, getting coffee all over his paperwork. Albert sees the desk and looks at the name Sergeant Jackson. He looks at Jackson with a look of fear on his face as he gets up from off of his desk)
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson (Played by Carl Weathers): Mellow out.
(Albert faints as the other cops catch him)
"Dude, you know you've messed up big time when you bump into Action Jackson." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to the man himself Sergeant Jericho Jackson, also known as Action Jackson, played by Carl Weathers. He's the toughest cop on the force. He's so tough that he makes criminals faint from the sight of him. He's also friends with his former partner Detective Dale Kotterwell, played by Jack Thibeau, another actor from Lethal Weapon. He played Sergeant Rick McCaskey. So, Jackson overhears a conversation between Kotterwell and his boss Captain Earl Armbruster, played by Bill Duke.
"Hey, Bill Duke is in this movie! He played one of the bad guys in Commando. And let's not forget, he played Mac in Predator. And what do you, Carl Weathers was in Predator, and he played Dillon and Craig R. Baxley was the second unit director on Predator. We got ourselves a mini-Predator reunion." Sean said. "Did I mention that I love this movie?"
Detective Kotterwell (Played by Jack Thibeau): There wasn't enough left of Stringer to perform an autopsy. And his secretary, Miss Massetori, seems to have died before the fire started.
Capt. Earl Armbruster (Played by Bill Duke): How was that?
Detective Kotterwell: No sign of smoke inhalation. Not even seared lungs.
Capt. Earl Armbruster: Interesting.
Detective Kotterwell: Although, it was unusual for Mr. Stringer and Miss Massetori to be working so late, but the coroner didn't think he was slipping her the old protein pickup.
Capt. Earl Armbruster: Detective Kotterwell, please keep a leash on your vocabulary.
Detective Kotterwell: Yes, sir.
"Well, he could've said that he was slipping her the 'ol Vitamin-D." Sean said.
Detective Kotterwell: Would you like me to repeat anything?
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: "The old protein pickup." You know, you give this department a lot of class. I'm surprised they don't make you captain.
Detective Kotterwell: You know, if Armbruster fucked up as bad as you did, they probably would. (Sees the other officers picking up Albert after he fainted again) Looks like your friend fainted again. What you do? Did you threaten to white him out?
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: No. I just showed him a picture of your girlfriend.
(A clip from Spawn is shown)
Spawn (Played by Michael Jai White): Damn!
Sean: (Narrating) Jackson enters Captain Armbruster's office and we learn that he lost the rank of lieutenant because of something he did. Don't worry, we'll get to that. Also, we get a little backstory about him.
Capt. Earl Armbruster: High-school track star, Harvard law degree- - Frankly, if I had a Harvard law degree I never would've become a policeman.
"Fun fact: Carl Weathers played professional football for five years in the NFL and also in the Canadian Football League before he pursued a career in acting." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Captain Armbruster wants Jackson to represent the department at the Detroit Businessman League's Man of the Year fundraiser since he couldn't attend. But, it's not going to be that easy, because the guy being honored for Man of the Year is Peter Dellaplane, which opened up some old wounds for Jackson because he's had some history with the guy.
Capt. Earl Armbruster: Just because the man had a few family problems…
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: The man's son is a sexual psychopath. If I had problems like that, I'd get myself neutered.
Capt. Earl Armbruster: Jackson, I know you take this matter very personally…
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Personally? Captain, the man cost me my stripes!
Capt. Earl Armbruster: No, Jackson. You cost you your stripes, no one else! You could've handled Sean Dellaplane more delicately.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Yeah? How, huh? Send him an engraved invitation? "Look, kid. You come on down here. Join us at city jail. Dress casual. RSVP."
Capt. Earl Armbruster: You nearly tore that boy's arm off!
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: So? He had a spare.
(The track "Sloan" from FarCry 3: Blood Dragon plays in the background)
"Sorry. I've always wanted to do that. It seems like the perfect moment." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, Jackson had some bad blood with Peter Dellaplane and the Dellaplane case cost him his rank of lieutenant, his gun permit and it even cost him his marriage and giving bad publicity to the Detroit Police Department after delivering some police brutality to his son.
Capt. Earl Armbruster: I'm not asking you to go there to brownnose Peter Dellaplane. I just need to be sure your Action Jackson days are far behind you. Then we can see about getting those lieutenant's stripes back.
"Oh, I'm sure that Action Jackson days are far behind him. That dude is like McBain. He doesn't even follow the rules." Sean said.
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown. The clip is from the second season episode The War of the Simpsons)
Chief in McBain Movie (Voiced by Hank Azaria): That cannon of yours is against regulations! In this department, we go by the book.
(The police chief holds up the police regulations handbook. McBain blows the books away with his gun and makes a giant hole in the wall)
McBain (Voiced by Harry Shearer): Bye, book.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we cut to the Detroit's Businessman's Man of the Year fundraiser, where we see that auto magnate Peter Dellaplane, played by Craig T. Nelson, is being awarded for being the Man of the Year. Jackson arrives to see Dellaplane receive his award until…
Patrice Dellaplane (Played by Sharon Stone): I take it you're not one of Mr. Dellaplane's friends.
(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)
Yakko and Wakko Warner (Voiced by Rob Paulsen and Jess Harnell): Hellooooooo, Nurse!
Petet Dellaplane (Played by Craig T. Nelson): I want you to meet my most lovely bride, Patrice Dellaplane. Patrice.
Patrice Dellaplane: (To Jackson) I bet I can make you change your mind. (Smiles at Jackson before she joins her husband at the podium)
(A clip from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is shown)
Will and Uncle Phil (Played by Will Smith and James Avery): Damn!
Sean: (Narrating) This attractive hot blonde is Dellaplane's wife Patrice, played by a young Sharon Stone. And yes, this was before she starred in Total Recall and Basic Instinct. And while, Jackson is busy mingling with the guests, Patrice introduces Peter to his old friend….
Peter Dellaplane: Jackson. Jericho Jackson. There's a nickname associated with it, isn't there? Something like "excitement"? Uh, "Enthusiasm"? "Esprit de corps"?
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: It's "Action."
Peter Dellaplane: Well, of course. That rhymes.
"Oooh, this is gonna be awkward." Sean said.
Patrice Dellaplane: How do you two know each other?
Peter Dellaplane: We met through my son.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: I helped him to relocate. How's he doing, by the way?
Peter Dellaplane: He's adjusting. The Dellaplanes have always been adept at dealing with obstacles.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: He was always a very popular boy. I'm sure he's very popular in his new home. I hear all it takes is the right opening.
Dellaplane's Chauffer (Played by Al Leong): The car's ready, sir.
"Hey, it's our good 'ol friend Al Leong. He played Endo in Lethal Weapon and he was also one of the terrorists in Die Hard. Like I said, Joel Silver takes care of his people." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, after that awkward exchange, we cut to a yacht, where we see another member of the Auto Workers Alliance named Lionel Grantham, played by Michael McManus, is listening to some Opera while on the phone talking about Stringer's death, until The Invisible Men show up to kill his guards and to kill him.
(Someone knocks on the door)
Grantham (Played by Michael McManus): You better start thinking about a new career, pal.
(Grantham walks over to the door and opens it as Shaker handcuffs his wrist to a case, then he punches him in the face twice, knocking him down to the floor. Grantham opens the case and sees a bomb inside)
Grantham: (Tries to escape) Oh, shit!
(The timer counts down to zero while "Vesti La Giubba" by Leoncavallo. As it singer hits the Aria note, Grantham screams and we cut to the shot of the yacht exploding)
"Oh, my God! That was perfect! That was timed perfect! No pun intended!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) You have "Vesti La Giubba" from Pagliacci playing on that guy's stereo and right when the singer hits the Aria note, the dude screams and the yacht explodes. That was the chef's kiss right there.
"You know you're watching a Craig R. Baxley movie when it involves explosions." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jackson arrives home, where he's greeted by Clovis the parking garage attendant, played by De'voreaux White. Hey, Argyle from Die Hard is in this movie too? And before I forget, you also have Dennis Hayden in it as well. He played Shaker in this one and in the same year, he played Eddie on Die Hard.
"And you know what's funny? Dennis Hayden looks a bit like Huey Lewis." Sean said as a picture of Dennis Hayden and Huey Lewis are seen back-to-back. "No wonder The Cleveland Show made that joke."
Clovis (Played by De'voreaux White): Put money down on it?
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Clovis, I'm a cop.
Clovis: Aw, man. How much did you lose on that game?
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Okay. Ten bucks.
Clovis: Ten bucks? Is that all? Do they give you enough? You gotta start playing for higher stakes!
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: That means I'd have to tip less.
"Man, that kid went from trying to steal from Ray Charles…" Sean said.
(A clip from The Blues Brothers is shown, where we see Ray, played by Ray Charles, shooting at a young guitar thief, played by De'Voreaux White)
Ray (Played by Ray Charles): Now go on, get!
"To being a parking garage attendant for Carl Weathers…" Sean said.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Just please be careful…
Clovis: With the cat because the parts are hard to find for a '66 Impala. Yeah, yeah. I know, sarge.
"And in the same year, he became Bruce Willis' limo driver." Sean said.
(A clip from Die Hard is shown)
Argyle (Played by De'voreaux White): Argyle, I'm your limo driver.
"Things are definitely lookin' up for him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While watching Perfect Strangers and grabbing himself a glass of cranberry juice, Jackson checks his messages from his friend Tony and he sees a news report about Grantham's death. And the next day, Jackson asks Kotterwell for help on the Grantham case and we get this great line delivery.
Desk Sgt. #1 (Played by Matt Landers): Jackson, call for you!
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Well, who is it?
Desk Sgt. #1: Hey! What do I look like your secretary?
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Yeah, it must be your lipstick.
(A clip from Friday is shown)
Craig and Smokey (Played by Ice Cube and Chris Tucker): DAAAAAAAAAAMNNNNNN!
Sean: (Narrating) Jackson goes to see his longtime friend Tony Moretti, played by Robert Davi, who's becoming a nervous wreck about the murders.
Tony Moretti (Played by Robert Davi): You can never be too careful. The walls… the walls have ears, and all of that.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Come on. Come on, I wanna take you to a hospital.
Tony Moretti: No! No, no. (Holds a Beretta Cheetah pistol to his head)
"There is no way you're making me do Showgirls with that chick from Saved by the Bell. I'd rather do a movie where I die from a fart." Sean said, imitating Tony.
(A clip from the movie Traxx is shown)
Aldo Palucci (Played by Robert Davi): You know what I think of your cookies? (Lets out a long and disgusting fart) That's what I think of your cookies.
Deeter (Played by Willard E. Pugh): Let's move upwind.
(Palucci lights a cigar in his car and accidentally blows himself up)
Sean: (Narrating) Tony tells Jackson about the murders of the AMA members and with him being the last one alive and he knows too much, he knows that there's someone out to get him. So, he tells Jackson who would want him dead.
Tony Moretti: I'll give you three guesses, and the first two… you forget about. All right? Here's a little hint: "Hot. Hotter. Hottest."
"Hot. Hotter. Hottest. Hmm, for Hot: Meg Donnelly, Hotter: Ashley Puzemis and Hottest: Christine Lakin." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) No, actually Jackson learns that Peter Dellaplane is the one who wants Tony dead. And speaking of Dellaplane, we see him sitting at a club drinking some chilled champagne while he watches a performance from lounge singer Sidney Ash, played by singer Vanity.
"Let me just say this, Vanity is the best part of this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, I know that she had a singing career back in the 80s and she went into acting. She's a pretty decent actress. I remember seeing her on the movie The Last Dragon and I loved it. And she was also on the movie Never Too Young to Die alongside John Stamos, that movie was also. And it also has Gene Simmons playing a transgender villain. I'm not joking.
Sidney Ash (Played by Vanity): I expected a standing ovation.
Peter Dellaplane: You're getting one.
"Uhhhh, is he telling her that her singing is giving him an erection? Ewwwww! Coach!" Sean exclaimed with a disgusted look on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Jackson, Tony tells him what's going on with Dellaplane and how he's working his way through the union to find who's for him and who's against him and that Stringer, Grantham and this guy named Norman hated Dellaplane's guts, so Dellaplane had them killed.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Tony, what you're saying to me is that Dellaplane's killing off unfriendly AWA leaders and you don't know why he's doing it and that you don't have any evidence that he's doing it. Come on!
Tony Moretti: Don't tell me you're afraid of Dellaplane, Jericho. The Jackson I knew wasn't afraid of nothing. We all thought he'd make a name for himself. If I got the wrong Jackson, please tell me.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Come on, you got the right Jackson. It's just that he didn't make the name for himself he thought he would.
"Yeah, because we never got an Action Jackson sequel." Sean said.
Audience Member: But Dangerous Passion counts as "Action Jackson 2".
"THAT DOESN'T COUNT!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Tony does tell Jackson the name of Dellaplane's mistress, which happens to be Sidney Ash. After Jackson leaves, a delivery man wearing sunglasses heads to Tony's apartment to give him his package.
(The door opens and we see that one of the Invisible Men named Gamble, played by Bob Minor, is disguised as a delivery man)
Gamble (Played by Bob Minor): Moretti? Delivery. (Hands Moretti the clipboard) Would you please sign here? It's C.O.D.
(Gamble shoots Moretti in the chest and chuckles)
"Damn, remind me not to get my packages delivered by UPS." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Sidney takes Dellaplane to her apartment for some good 'ol fashioned fun. And you can tell that Dellaplane is a scumbag because he is cheating on his wife with Vanity of all people.
Peter Dellaplane: Give me two good reasons why I'd say all those things.
(Sidney pushes her dress down, revealing her breasts, but they are covered by Prince's face, which is being used as a censor bar)
Peter Dellaplane: Oh, yeah. Now I remember. Oh, baby.
"Another reason why I love this movie… Vanity. And we see her naked. You know it's a good 80s action movie when you get some tasteful nudity. Man, don't I miss that year. Even though I was born in '92." Sean said.
Peter Dellaplane: (Pulls out a case) This… is supposed to be a girl's best friend.
(Dellaplane opens the box, revealing a syringe filled with heroin)
Sidney Ash: What would I ever do without you, huh?
Peter Dellaplane: Let's hope you never have to find out.
"And of course, she's addicted to drugs. Haven't you seen the drug PSA of Rodney Harvey where it showed pictures of Rodney Harvey on heroin and look what happened to him. The dude died from a cocaine and heroin overdose at the age of 30 back in 1998." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yean, turns out Sidney is addicted to heroin and Dellaplane gets her hooked on that sweet, sweet needle. Later, Jackson finds Tony's body in the morgue after he learned that he was murdered. So, he knows the one person that would help him out on the case. And that person happens to be Dellaplane's wife Patrice, who is out having lunch with her husband. But then Jackson, interrupt the lunch by showing Dellaplane a picture of his dead friend Tony.
Peter Dellaplane: I didn't know you listed in photography among your other interests, Sergeant.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Is that all you have to say?
Peter Dellaplane: The negative's quite poor, isn't it? But the quality of the print seems excellent. It's a shame the subject wasn't more cooperative.
"Damn. Craig T. Nelson can be a dick." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dellaplane introduces Jackson to the president of the Auto Workers Alliance Raymond Foss, played by the late Edgar Small. But before he could start any trouble with Dellaplane, Jackson leaves. And later, Dellaplane takes some time to do some sparring with his martial arts instructor, played by stuntman James Lew. Fun fact: Craig T. Nelson studied martial arts and he's a brown belt in karate.
(Dellaplane helps up the martial arts instructor, but then he breaks his arm with his elbow)
Peter Dellaplane: Lesson's over.
"Damn, Craig T. Nelson's a dick. He just broke that dude's arm like he's Steven Seagal." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Patrice gets herself a nice steam in the steam room and after we see Sharon Stone naked, she overhears her husband's right hand man Cartier, played by Nicholas Worth, talking on the phone with someone about Jackson meeting Moretti. She tries to talk to Peter about it, but he just leaves. She gets ready to go see Jackson, but then Jackson shows up in front of her doorstep and they head into the city.
Patrice Dellaplane: I couldn't figure out what they were talking about but I heard him say the name Moretti. And he definitely said your name.
(Albert enters the bar and sees Jackson, he immediately rushes out of the bar)
Patrice Dellaplane: He also mentioned something about a man named O'Rooney. About how they were having trouble with him, but they thought they'd have him in shape by Sunday.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: That's gotta be Oliver O'Rooney. He worked with your husband a long time ago, and now I think he's working with the AWA. You familiar with the name?
Patrice Dellaplane: No.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: What do you know about Frank Stringer or Lionel Grantham?
Patrice Dellaplane: Only what I read in the paper. Peter never mentioned them. He doesn't bring his work home with him.
"Let's not forget that he doesn't bring his mistress home with him." Sean said.
Patrice Dellaplane: I know how you feel about Peter, Sergeant. But you don't know him the way I do. He may seem greedy and arrogant to most people but you don't make it big in industry and remained love by everyone. I met him after his first wife died and his son went to prison. I think the whole experience changed him. He's not the man you think you know.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: What do you think you know about me?
Patrice Dellaplane: I think you're not so different from Peter. You're both stubborn. Both intent on getting what you want. You know, I think Peter admires you a little bit. Not many people cause him so much trouble and gotten away with it.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Who says I've gotten away with anything?
(Patrice smirks at Jackson)
"Looks like Patrice wants Jackson to give her the 'ol Vitamin BBC." Sean said.
Patrice Dellaplane: So, why do they call you Action…?
(Jackson moves Patrice out of the way as Gamble tries to kill them with a taxi cab)
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Are you okay? (He picks up Patrice) Go on to the police station. I have to catch a cab.
"There you go, you have that scene and that one-liner for your trailer. I hope you're happy." Sean said.
(Jackson chases Gamble on foot)
Sean: (Narrating) We get an awesome chase scene where Jackson chases Gamble on foot while the dude is driving a cab. And you have Jackson jumping on top of the cab while Gamble drives uncontrollably and causing car accidents and an explosion. Man, Jackson is a madman. And just to show how much of a madman he is, he does this.
(Gamble pulls out his pistol as he gets ready to shoot Jackson)
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: You want to shoot me? I'm not packing. Don't shoot me! Come on! Come on and get me! Don't shoot me. That's too easy. Be a man! Come and get me! I know you killed Tony! So come on, chicken shit! Come on!
(Gamble drives straight towards Jackson. Jackson runs towards Gamble and jumps over the cab. Gamble looks back and sees Jackson, who's still standing, then looks forward and yells as he drives towards a car and crashes into a building)
"Jesus Christ! Okay, I have to admit, that was pretty fucking awesome. That was an awesome stunt right there. When you know in reality, Jackson would've become street pizza." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jackson returns to the station to meet with Patrice, but she left a note for Jackson. And later, he heads down to Joey's Club Elite to watch Sidney perform on stage and we get to see Vanity sing. While that's going on, Dellaplane goes to talk to Patrice, who happens to be waiting for him and she tells him about Cartier and what she heard.
Patrice Dellaplane: Peter, what's going on?
Peter Dellaplane: (Kisses Patrice's hand) Do you trust me?
Patrice Dellaplane: Of course I trust you. I just… I have to hear you say it. For me, Peter. Please.
(Peter hugs Patrice. She sobs in his arms )
Peter Dellaplane: I swear to you, I had nothing to do with anybody's murder. Not Frank Stringer. Not Lionel Grantham or any friend of Jericho Jackson's.
Patrice Dellaplane: Thank you, Peter.
Peter Dellaplane: (Kisses Patrice on her head) Patrice, I would never do anything to harm you, baby.
"Yeah, right. How long until he ends up killing her?" Sean asked.
(Dellaplane kisses Patrice passionately)
Peter Dellaplane: I love you.
(Dellaplane shoots Patrice in the chest and lays her down on the bed)
Peter Dellaplane: More than life itself.
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown. The clip being shown is the season four episode Last Exit to Springfield)
Bart Simpson (Voiced by Nancy Cartwright): That is one evil dude.
Homer Simpson: It's just a movie, son. There's nobody that evil in real life.
(A picture of the CEO of Warner Bros. Discover David Zaslav is shown with the word "EXCEPT FOR THIS ASSHOLE!" shown on the photo)
Sean: (Narrating) Sidney heads to her dressing room after her rousing performance where she has a little date with…
(Sidney is holding the opened case with the heroin syringe in it)
Sean: (V/O as Homer Simpson) Mmmm, drugs!
Sean: (Narrating) Jackson goes to talk to her, but he ends up having a run-in with her bodyguard "Big" Edd, played by Prince Hughes, respectively.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: I'd like to speak to Miss Ash.
Edd (Played by Prince Hughes): I don't recommend that course of action.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: I do.
(Jackson punches Edd in the stomach, which has no effect on him)
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: (Chuckles) You're one big fella. How much do you weigh?
Edd: Two-hundred seventy pounds.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: That's pretty big.
(Jackson punches Edd in the face. Edd grins as the punch has no effect on him)
"Uh, punching him isn't going to work on him dude. That guy is big as a house. The only thing you could do is to push that guy through the door and knock him down to the table." Sean said.
(Jackson does as he charges at Edd. The two break down Sydney's dressing room door and Edd falls to the table, breaking it)
"That'll do it." Sean said, imitating the Goblin King from The Hobbit.
Sean: (Narrating) Luckily, Jackson interrupted Sydney and her little shoot-up session after he knocked out Edd. So, they leave and drive back to his place while Sydney wants to get laid by him.
Sydney Ash: Waiting till we're married or something?
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: No. I'd just rather a place a little more romantic.
Sydney Ash: Heh, romantic? Honey, romance is where you find it. And I find it wherever and whenever I can. Man, you must be a priest or something.
"If there was a movie where Carl Weathers plays a priest and he fights mobster, I would definitely pay good money just to see that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But taking Sydney to his place is a no-go as police officers stop by Jackson's apartment. Why are the police at Jackson's apartment? Because Dellaplane has placed Patrice's dead body there and framed him for the murder of his wife, after she found out about what he's been doing, So instead, they drive to Sydney's place.
(Sydney gets ready to turn on the lights)
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Hey, no lights.
Sydney Ash: Okay. You're the romantic here.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Hope I live long enough to keep it that way.
Sydney Ash: Well, I've got the munchies like you would not believe.
"I'm pretty sure that Rachael Leigh Cook would fry you some eggs and give you a lecture about what heroin does to your body before breaking everything in your kitchen." Sean said.
(Sydney's phone rings)
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Do you usually get calls late at night?
Sydney Ash: I happen to be a very popular girl.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Sweetheart, I'm not kidding. Come on!
Sydney Ash: No. But this is kind of romantic now. (Puts her arms around Jackson)
(Sydney's answering machine goes off. Jackson hears a beeping sound as he throttles Sydney to the floor right when the answering machine explodes)
"You know, it ain't a Craig R. Baxley film until something explodes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, somebody's out to get Jackson and they try to kill Sydney in the process. And with the cops out to get him and people trying to kill him, Jackson and Sydney hideout at a dingy hotel owned by a retired professional boxer named Kid Sable, played by Chino "Fats" Williams.
"Hey, Chino "Fats" Williams is in this one too. He played the parking garage attendant in Road House, which was also produced by Joel Silver. And he played one of the bar guys that Anthony Michael Hall was talking jive with on Weird Science, which was produced by Joel Silver and John Hughes directed the movie. Okay, that's a weird combo, Joel Silver and John Hughes." Sean said. "Plus, that movie is a comedy, not an action movie. But then again, Joel Silver did produce Jumpin' Jack Flash and that was also a comedy."
(Jackson pounds on the desk)
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Hello!
Kid Sable (Played by Chino "Fats" Williams): They stole the bell. They'd steal me if I wasn't nailed down.
(Sable gets up and sees Jackson)
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: You son of a bitch.
Kid Sable: The force may fade…
Jackson and Sable: (Both) …but the reflex never dies!
(Jackson and Sable do their little version of the Predator epic handshake)
"What's the matter? The police force got you pushing too many pencils?" Sean said, imitating Kid Sable.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, we see that Sable and Jackson are friends and like I mentioned before, Sable used to be a professional boxer. Anyway, he hooks Jackson and Sydney with a room and the two of them stay there for the night as Jackson questions Sydney about her little drug habit.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Why you doing it?
Sydney Ash: What else is there?
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: That's not a good answer.
Sydney Ash: Jackson, what do you want? Huh? There's a whole lot of things that I do that I don't want to think about. A shot a day, hey. I do all the forgetting I need. Is that good enough for you?
"In real life, Vanity was addicted cocaine. When they were shooting the movie, nobody knew that she was using, but she never used in real life. Here, you have her playing a drug addict in a movie and in actuality, she had a decade-long cocaine addiction." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Sydney wakes up so she can get her fix and… (Sees a shirtless Jackson stepping out of the bathroom) DAMN, HE'S RIPPED! Also, Jackson has a run-in with an old friend, which is Albert. Turns out he's working at the hotel and the kid is still scared of him.
Albert Smith: You're Action Jackson.
(Albert leaves the hotel room)
Sydney Ash: Heh, yeah, right. Some action. (Closes the door behind Albert) Fine-looking woman like me, and you don't even touch me all night. You either gotta be queer or a cop.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: I'm not queer.
"It's just that he doesn't want to have sex with a woman who's hooked on heroin." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jackson tells Sydney that he's a cop and he wants to catch Dellaplane and she's the person that could help him get to him. So now, she's going to be his sidekick throughout the rest of the movie. And the two of them head down to a poolroom, where Jackson's informant Papa Doc works at and he can give him some information on Dellaplane.
Poolroom Bartender (Played by Charles Meshack): What can I do you for?
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: How's it going? I'm looking for Papa Doc. Is wondering if he still works here.
Poolroom Bartender: Wonder no more. If you'll just hold on for a moment, I can lead you to him.
"Oh, hey. What do you know, another actor from a Joel Silver movie. Charles Meshack was in Commando with Bill Duke. Hell, they both played bad guys in the movie and they both end up getting killed by Schwarzenegger. Except, Charlie Boy here gets his neck snapped by Schwarzenegger on a plane." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Henriques the Bartender takes Jackson to see Papa Doc, only for Jackson to see what's left of his informant in a jar, only for him to get knocked out and captured by Spider from The Return of the Living Dead.
Poolroom Thug #1 (Played by Miguel A. Nunez Jr.): I'm gonna break it down to you. See, you be a Charlie Irvine and we gonna tap dance on your lips. And then we gonna deprive you of your… your frick and frack.
"What kind of bar is this? Is this the type of bar where you come in and the bar toughs castrate you? Come to Doc's Bar, we'll give you a drink and then we'll castrate you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jackson gets a beatdown from our friendly neighborhood stuntman Branscombe Richmond while they threaten to cut off his balls, Sydney steps in and saves his neck by pretending that he's her brother and we get a scene that tends to make me laugh.
Sydney Ash: He spent a year in Bellevue. Got this delusion he's some kind of holy messenger. He's a lot more oral than Oral Roberts. Listen to him.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: (Pretending to be religious) Yes! Yes, I was sent! I was sent to bring you down, brother! Yes! Yes, I was sent! I was sent to bust your asses and wipe these streets clean! Yes! I am the man!
Poolroom Thug #2 (Played by Branscombe Richmond): Why you looking for Papa Doc?
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: And you may possess his righteous manhood, but his soul is still stayfree and clear!
"What makes this scene even more hilarious is the choir." Sean said.
Choir: (Sings) I was sent!/Bust your ass!/Amen!
"I can tell you this, Michael Kamen can sometimes make music scores more comical." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jackson proceeds to beat the poolroom toughs by giving them one hell of an ass beating. They leave the poolroom and the two of them get to talking and… (Sees the posters of Predator on a wall that Jackson and Sydney are walking past) Wait, what the hell? Predator? They're walking past a building with posters of Predator on the wall?!
(The "Time Paradox" screen from Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater while the Game Over theme plays in the background)
Colonel Campell (Voiced by Paul Eiding): You've changed history. You've created a Time Paradox!
Sean: (Narrating) I… I… I… I just can't believe it. What?! How is that even possible? Hell, can you imagine Jackson going to the movies to go see Predator and watch Carl Weathers getting killed by the Predator. Anyway, Jackson heads back to the hotel to talk to Kid Sable and Sable tells him to go to Dee Love's Barbershop to speak to Dee, who gives him some pretty useful information on Dellaplane and The Invisible Men and that they were responsible for the AWA killings. Afterwards, Jackson heads back to the hotel to look for Sydney, but sees that she's left to go get her fix from a guy named Mr. Quick, played by Sonny Landham.
"And the Predator reunion continues." Sean said.
(Mr. Quick pulls out a knife)
Sydney Ash: Oh, you don't wanna pull that shit on Action Jackson.
Mr. Quick (Played by Sonny Landham): This is Action Jackson? (Laughs) This is gonna be easier than I thought. I'm gonna cut you deep, you motherfucker.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Oh, very good. You write your own material?
(Jackson dodges Mr. Quick)
Mr. Quick: Your ass is mine.
"Says the guy who got owned by Eddie Murphy in 48 Hrs. and by the Predator." Sean said.
(Jackson punches Mr. Quick in the stomach and in the face repeatedly, then grabs Mr. Quick's wrist to keep him from trying to kill him)
Mr. Quick: I'm gonna kick your fucking heart out and shove it down your fucking throat, you cocksucking—
(Jackson grabs the needle and sticks it in Mr. Quick's arm, injecting him with heroin. Mr. Quick looks at the needle and laughs)
Mr. Quick: Fuck you.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: I warned you about the language.
(Jackson throws Mr. Quick out the window, sending him to another window across from the building)
"Jesus Christ! That dude is a madman!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Officers Lack and Kornblau spot Jackson and try to arrest them, but Jackson and Sydney make their escape and steal their police cruiser while the two bumbling cops try to go after them by commandeering a woman's car, but they fail miserably.
Officer Kornblau: Should we run after him?
Officer Lack: Hey, Kornblau. You ever have your head rammed up your ass?
Officer Kornblau: I don't think so.
Officer Lack: Well, mark it on your calendar. That day is coming.
"Did he just threaten to turn Biff into a literal butthead?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Jackson scares Sydney straight for her to help him catch Dellaplane and she agrees to do so. Also, I think he made her get rid of her drug habit because of his reckless driving after trying to crash into a wall. Later that night, the two of them head to the Red Devil bar to meet with Oliver O'Rooney and to get him away from Dellaplane and of course, Sydney is instantly attracted to Jackson.
Sydney Ash: You were married once, weren't you?
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Yeah. She divorced me two years ago.
Sydney Ash: Why?
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: She felt my career was advancing in the wrong direction.
(Sydney kisses Jackson, then leaves the car. Jackson is speechless after the kiss)
Sydney Ash: Hey, Jackson. It' s her loss.
(A clip from Friday After Next is shown)
Damon (Played by Terry Crews): Goddamn, you fine!
Sean: (Narrating) Sydney enters the bar and meets with Oliver O'Rooney, played by Francis X. McCarthy, and tries to put the moves on him.
Oliver O'Rooney (Played by Francis X. McCarthy): (Sees Sydney) What's a nice girl like you doing here in a place like this?
Sydney Ash: I'm not that nice.
Oliver O'Rooney: (Chuckles) Even better.
Sydney Ash: Dellaplane sent me. He says he wants to see you.
Oliver O'Rooney: I don't believe you.
Sydney Ash: He says it's about tomorrow night.
"Are you sure you're not here for me to take you back to my place? If not, then let me finish my drink in peace." Sean said, imitating Oliver O'Rooney.
Sean: (Narrating) Sydney takes O'Rooney out of the bar and they drive out to the set of Darkman where he meets with Jackson. O'Rooney tells Jackson that there's big party for Raymond Foss at Dellaplane's mansion and Dellaplane plans to kill Foss so he can take his place. And when O'Rooney tells Jackson that he's going to be the one to kill Foss, The Invisible Men show up and capture Jackson and Sydney. So, they take Jackson to Dellaplane and he reveals his evil plan on how to kill Foss.
Peter Dellaplane: Mr. Gamble here will take care of that. And he will be dressed exactly like you at the time. (Whispers) To most of my guests… you all look alike anyway.
"Oh, hell no! I know Coach Hayden Fox did not just go there! YOU'RE RACIST!" Sean yelled out.
Peter Dellaplane: And the interesting thing is that your car, and your getaway will crash and burn. And your charred body will be discovered among the ruins and you'll be identified from your dental records. And the case will be neatly closed.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Immaculate.
Peter Dellaplane: Thank you. Thank you very much. I think so too. That only leaves Sydney. She will die of an overdose. But not until I fuck her one last time.
"I don't know who's more evil him or Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII." Sean said as a picture of Sephiroth is shown. "I still say Sephiroth."
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: What do you want from me, Dellaplane? What do you want from me?
Peter Dellaplane: I want you to die.
(Dellaplane leaves with the remaining Invisible Men)
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Dellaplane. One of these days, you're gonna really piss me off.
"Don't worry. Today, will be that day." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dellaplane leaves as Thaw, Birch and Shaker deal with Jackson. And they try to kill him by using a flamethrower on him. That is when Jackson's savior shows up to save him.
Edd: Hello, I'm Mr. Edd. (Leaps down from the scaffolding and sprays Birch in the face with spray paint) You called about a paint job?
(Shaker turns around as Jackson kicks him in the groin)
Sean: (V/O as Shaker) AAAH! RIGHT IN MY WIENERSCHNIZTEL!
(Jackson kicks Shaker in the chest. Edd grabs the flamethrower and frees Jackson. Birch tries to attack Edd, but the bodyguard punches him to an electrical panel, causing him to get electrocuted and burned to death)
(A clip from Goldfinger is shown)
James Bond (Played by Sean Connery): Shocking. Positively shocking.
(Jackson grabs the flamethrower and aims it at Thaw, who is holding a gas can)
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Chill out.
(Jackson fires the flamethrower at Thaw. He looks down and sees the gas can in his hand)
Thaw (Played by David Glen Eisley): Shit!
(Thaw gets burned alive by Jackson)
"I don't care if that one-liner didn't make sense since that guy got flame-broiled, but that was pretty awesome." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Shaker tries to kill Jackson and Edd and they dodge explosions while he goes all Michael Bay with his grenade launcher, but they manage to take down the Huey Lewis-lookalike and give him a taste of his own medicine. But not before Jackson delivers the most badass line ever in movie history.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: (Points the grenade launcher at Shaker) Barbecue, huh? How do you like your ribs?
(Jackson fires the grenade launcher at Shaker, killing him)
"YES! THAT WAS PERFECT!" Sean yelled out.
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: (Points the grenade launcher at Shaker) Barbecue, huh? How do you like your ribs?
"I think I got extremely hard from hearing the best one-liner ever." Sean said.
(We get a crossfade shot to a steak being cooked on the grill)
Sean: (Narrating) And let's not forget that crossfade shot to a steak cooking on the grill. That was the chef's kiss right there. So anyway, Dellaplane is throwing a birthday party for Raymond Foss as Jackson arrives, and he brings Albert with him along with Edd and Kid Sable. Right when Foss takes the stage, Jackson spots Gamble taking a sniping position on a tree and Jackson goes all George of the Jungle on that dude's ass.
(Jackson swings on some lights. The lights hit the tree, blinding Gamble as he shoots Foss in the shoulder and falls to his death, in which he gets impaled by multiple poles)
"Ewww! That was a fatality right there." Sean said.
Oliver O'Rooney: Dellaplane did it! Dellaplane did it! He planned…
(Marlin throws a knife at O'Rooney, killing him)
"Geez, how many butterfly knives does this guy have? Damn!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Chaos ensues as Dellaplane makes a run for it and tries to make his escape while his men end up getting killed by Jackson's pals.
(Dellaplane's chauffer gets beaten up by Kid Sable after he gives him the Sable Surprise. He tries to shoot Sable, but ends up getting shot and killed by Kotterwell)
Detective Kotterwell: Hey, you're Kid Sable, aren't ya?
Kid Sable: You better believe it.
(Albert makes it through the crowd and bumps into Marlin. Marlin turns around and sees Albert as he pulls out his knife and tries to kill him. But Edd saves Albert's life and punches and stabs him with his own knife, killing him)
Edd: I hope this teaches you, crime doesn't pay.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that dude isn't dead. He's an unstoppable killer." Sean said, referring to Brian Libby's character from Silent Rage.
Sean: (Narrating) Jackson sees that Sydney is in trouble as Kotterwell lets him go save her. And he does this by driving the sports car through Dellaplane's mansion and kills Cartier with it. Then, he drives it up the stairs and through the hallway and into the bedroom! What a madman! And now we come to the final showdown. It's Apollo Creed versus Coach Hayden Fox. It's Chubbs Peterson versus Mr. Incredible. It's Greef Karga versus Dale Ballard. Let's see how this fight turns out.
(Dellaplane kicks Jackson in the face and continues to kick him. Jackson fights back, giving Dellaplane a couple of punches to the face. Dellaplane proceeds to beat up Jackson with a few kicks)
"Aw, man! I'm getting flashbacks to Rocky IV. Don't let Coach beat you, Jackson." Sean said.
(Dellaplane kicks Jackson into the car's window and hits him in the back with his elbow. Jackson, having enough, yells and pushes Dellaplane off of him)
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Now you pissed me off!
(Dellaplane kicks at Jackson. Jackson blocks and dodges Dellaplane's kicks and punches him in the face)
"Yeah! Give him the five-piece combo and a biscuit on the side!" Sean exclaimed.
(Dellaplane crawls to his gun)
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: No!
(Jackson runs to his gun. Dellaplane shoots at Jackson, but Jackson shoots him in the chest)
"Oooh! Oh, my God! That put a hole right through his chest cavity!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) What kind of caliber bullet did he kill him with? I know the Heckler & Koch P7M13 isn't the most powerful handgun in the world but… damn! You can see that bullet go through him. Hell, that was his soul that just left his body.
"Come to think of it." Sean said as he pulls out his gun and fires it to the left.
(We intercut to a scene from Scanners where we see the man's head exploding)
"Holy cock!" Sean exclaimed as he looked at his gun. "Damn, my gun is the most powerful handgun in the world."
Sean: (Narrating) And with that, the day is saved, even though Jackson got shot in the shoulder. Dellaplane is dead and Captain Armbruster reinstates Jackson as a lieutenant. And the film ends with Jackson getting the girl.
Sydney Ash: Well, you always said you wouldn't team up with a junkie. How about an ex-junkie, huh?
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Wait a minute. You kidding?
Sydney Ash: Cold turkey. You can have me on Thanksgiving. How's that?
Sergeant Jericho "Action" Jackson: Can I have you any sooner?
(Sidney giggles and her and Jackson kiss passionately)
"And that was Action Jackson, and it is awesome as hell… it's silly, but it's awesome as hell!" Sean exclaimed.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) This movie has everything, you have the tropes of the period, with a healthy dose of blaxploitation, some great stunt work. It's loud, over-the-top and enjoyable and it delivers. It's great 80s fun and I love it. Action Jackson comes in at 5 sports cars out of 5.
"Well, that's all for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. Next month is March and you know what that means! STEVEN SEAGAL MONTH!" Sean exclaimed as guitar music plays in the background right before he leaves the room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Barbecue, huh? How do you like your ribs?
And that was the review of Action Jackson. So, what did you think of my tribute to Carl Weathers? Was it a great tribute? And what did you think of the review? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean kicks off the start of Steven Seagal Month by reviewing the best Seagal movie of all-time, the 1992 film Under Siege. Then after the review of Under Siege, it's the review of Marked for Death. Don't forget to review the new chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you would like to co-review any of the movies for Steven Seagal Month with me, feel free to PM me if you're interested. By the way, my birthday is in two days, feel free to wish me an early happy birthday. Till next time, my fellow readers.