The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious and fun chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Seagal Month continues as Sean reviews Seagal's third film Marked for Death. That's right, it's Seagal versus a Jamaican drug posse. Is Seagal's early works one of the best films of all time, or does it deserve to be… marked for death? Well, sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Marked for Death is owned by 20th Century Fox.
Seagal Month Part III: Marked for Death
(The Mayhem Critic intro is shown, but instead of the new intro, we're treated to clips from various films from Steven Seagal while blues music plays in the background)
Sean: (V/O as Steven Seagal) You got a problem with me? I'm your worst nightmare. I have no fear of death, more important, I don't fear life. I'm Steven Seagal, I once hosted Saturday Night Live. I should break Lorne Michaels' neck for not bringing me back for the show because I'm not funny. I am funny, you son of a bitch.
(After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, as he is seen sitting on his couch in his living room as he prepares his introduction)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. The critic that rips movies a new one and welcome back to Seagal Month." Sean said. "And with it still continuing and no sign of Steven Seagal popping up on my show, I guess it's time to talk about Marked for Death."
(The title screen for "Marked for Death" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "John Crow" by Jimmy Cliff plays in a background)
Sean: (Narrating) Back in 1988 and 1990, Seagal had two mega-hits: Above the Law which was his debut on the big screen, and we witnessed him breaking Bane's (Henry Silva) spine, and the revenge thriller Hard to Kill which we get the debut of his iconic ponytail and him starring with his wife Kelly LeBrock. Originally, I was going to review Hard to Kill, but instead I went with this one. Marked for Death was released in theaters on October 5th, 1990 and it was Seagal's third film. The film was directed by Dwight H. Little, who was known for directing Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, one of my favorite sequels of all time. Hell, Seagal recommended Little after he saw Halloween 4 and originally, he wanted Little to be the director of Hard to Kill. The film was also written by the movie's producers, Michael Grais and Mark Victor after Michael Grais read a news story about Jamaican drug gangs taking over American suburbs and that story gave him the idea for the film. Plus, this is the first Seagal film that's not produced by Warner Bros., and it was named one of the most violent movies of 1990 by the National Coalition on TV Violence. Yeah, it's pretty violent, but movie was a box-office smash. This is another film that kicked off Seagal's successful decade and it's a ton of fun and we're gonna take a look at it.
"Despite Steven Seagal being in this review and threatening my life, this is Marked for Death." Sean said.
(The movie begins as we see DEA agent John Hatcher and his partner Chico chasing after Hector through a town in Colombia)
Sean: (Narrating) We open with the best part ever in every Seagal movie… Seagal running like a girl.
"Because really, we didn't get enough of him running like a girl in two of his films." Sean said as we're treated to clips of Steven Seagal running in Above the Law and Hard to Kill.
Sean: (Narrating) Seagal plays DEA agent John Hatcher, (pictures of John McClane from Die Hard, John Rambo from Rambo: First Blood Part II, John Cutter from Passenger 57, John Kreese from The Karate Kid, John Spartan from Demolition Man, Johnny Castle from Dirty Dancing, John Kimble from Kindergarten Cop and Jonathan Bower from Who's the Boss? are shown) who's joined the elite group of bad-asses from the 80s and 90s all named "John". We see that him and his partner Chico, played by Richard Delmonte, are chasing some guy named Hector, played by Danny Trejo, to give them information on a drug deal.
John Hatcher (Played by Steven Seagal): Did you talk to anyone? Look at me. Talk to anybody, huh? Did you see anybody? Did you talk to anybody, huh? Did you make a phone call?
"Don't worry, Machete. In a few years, you'll end up killing Seagal with a machete." Sean said, referring to the 2010 movie Machete.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, don't you just love how Seagal is wearing all black… in Colombia… where it's like 90-something degrees in the shade. Dude, you're gonna be burning up in that outfit or get a heat stroke. Oh, well. I guess the heat doesn't bother him anyway.
John Hatcher: How long was he out of your sight?
Chico (Played by Richard Delmonte): Maybe a couple of minutes.
John Hatcher: Chico, I'm disappointed in you! How could you do that?
Chico: Look, we can't go into that meeting. If anyone was ever made, we were made.
John Hatcher: You know what I say? We're going.
Chico: What are you? Are you crazy? Probably 100 people saw us chasing him.
John Hatcher: Chico… since when did anybody ever accuse me of being sane? We're going. Alright? (Slaps Chico around) Come on.
"Since when did Seagal act like he's in The Sopranos? Why are you slapping around your partner, dude?
Sean: (Narrating) Hatcher and Chico head down to a bar to meet with another DEA agent named Duvall, played by Arlen Dean Snyder, and Hatcher and Chico head down to the drug deal and Hatcher gives them only half and he's here to do business without any trouble.
John Hatcher: You know something? I do business for a long time. You know why? Because I'm careful. You can never be too careful, right?
Little Richard (Played by Gary Carlos Cervantes): Careful is good with me, amigo. Careful never killed nobody.
John Hatcher: Is that right?
Little Richard: Stupid—stupid kills. Me entiendes?
"Yeah, of course stupid kills. You're stupid to be making this deal with Seagal." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But the deal goes bad as Hector blows Hatcher and Chico's cover and one of the thugs kill the drug dealer and Hatcher jumps into action by kicking their asses and I have to say, that they amped up the violence to 100. You could see Seagal chopping off a guy's hand with a machete, kind of like on Above the Law. Anyway, Hatcher and Chico get into a shootout with the drug gang and they make their escape. Until, Chico does something stupid.
(Chico kicks the door open and he sees a topless prostitute covering herself)
Carmen (Played by Elena Sahagun): Por favor, no mas. No mas.
(Chico looks away as Carmen pulls out a gun and shoots Chico)
Sean: (V/O as Chico) Damn! I've been tricked by titties!
(Carmen closes the door and Hatcher shoots through the door, killing Carmen)
"Seagal! Goddamn it! You just killed the titty, you asshole!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) After that deal gone south and his partner killed, Hatcher returns to Chicago and goes to church to confess his sins.
John Hatcher: Father, I just killed a woman. I've lied, I've slept with informants, I've taken drugs, I've falsified evidence. I did whatever I had to do to get the bad guys and then I realized something… that I had become what I most despise.
"Being the most hated man in Hollywood?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) After confessing to the priest, he tells him to go home to his family. Also, Hatcher breaks the news to his boss, played by Peter Jason, that he's leaving the DEA because he's had enough of this stuff and after what happened to Chico, it's a good thing he's leaving.
Pete Stone (Played by Peter Jason): You've felt burned out before this. I need you, John, OK?
John Hatcher: Pete… nothing we ever did amounted to shit, and you know it.
"That phrase can be applied to 99% of the jobs available." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After leaving the DEA, Hatcher decides to head back home and spend some time with his family. So, he stops off at his sister's house, where he's greeted by his niece Tracey, played by Danielle Harris.
Tracey Hatcher (Played by Danielle Harris): Who is it?
John Hatcher: Uncle John.
(Tracey opens the door and sees her uncle)
Tracey Hatcher: You're not my uncle.
"You're damn right he's not your uncle. This guy is your uncle." Sean said while he holds up a photo of Michael Myers.
(A clip from Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers is shown)
Jamie Lloyd (Played by Danielle Harris): Uncle? Boogeyman?
"Oh, God. That is the most obvious joke that I've ever made on the show." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) John's little sister Melissa, played by Elizabeth Gracen, is surprised to see him and she invites him in and we see a little party going on. Also, we see Hatcher slapping his nephew around.
John Hatcher: (Sees Ricky) Ricky, how you doing? You look great. (Shakes Ricky's hand, then slaps his cheek) You look good. Everything's all right?
'Dude, it's a kid! You can't be slapping children around. He's not like any other bad guy in your movies." Sean laughed.
Sean: (Narrating) After being greeted by his family, who are all happy to see him, Hatcher goes to his old childhood room, where he keeps all of his guns on his wall and we see pictures of Seagal on the wall. Don't you just love coming home to your childhood home and go to your room and have various guns displayed on your wall? I remember going to my mom's house and I still have my lightsabers displayed on the wall of my old room.
"Okay, I'm kidding about that part, but I wish I did." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Hatcher heads up to a high school, where he sees some generic late 80s-early 90s teen doing the most horrifying thing… DRUGS!
(Suspenseful music plays as we see the teenage boy smoking weed)
Teenage Boy: Cool!
Nesta (Played by Victor Romero Evans): Make you happy? We have lots more where that come from, you know.
"Boy, doesn't that kid learn from drug PSAs? Do I need to call Mr. T to set you straight?" Sean asked while the Mr. T Anti-Drug PSA is shown in the top right corner.
John Hatcher: (To Max) Coach. Coach, put me in. Put me in.
(Max sees Hatcher)
Max Keller (Played by Keith David): I'll be damned. Trouble.
John Hatcher: That's me.
Sean: (Narrating) Hatcher reunites with his old friend and army buddy Max Keller, played by the amazing Keith David, who is the football coach at the high school. They see the two Jamaican drug dealers selling drugs to teenagers, which is disturbing Max because they're selling drugs to young teens and that's no good. But enough about Hatcher reuniting with his friend as we cut to nighttime and we see a Colombian crime boss by the name of Tito Barco, played by Al Israel, is meeting with the drug gang known as the Posse and he meets with the leader of the gang named Screwface, played brilliantly by Basil Wallace, and I have to say out of all of the villains in a Seagal movie, this one is the most terrifying.
Tito Barco (Played by Al Israel): You move into my territory. What do you think I'm going to do? The streets will be red with blood and nobody makes money. They don't even notice us. We fit in. We look like them. But you? You go marching into the suburbs with your rag-head soldiers and we're front-page news. The DEA will be crawling down our throats long after you've gone!
Screwface (Played by Basil Wallace): Everybody want to go heaven… but nobody want dead. Afraid?
"A chainsaw won't even save that dude this time." Sean said, referring to Al Israel's character from Scarface.
Screwface: (Picks up his staff) This is how it'll go. You are work I man now. You are do the selling. You are be the mule. I supply the crack and the powder.
Tito Barco: What's the split?
Screwface: Twenty percent… to you.
Tito Barco: (Removes his sunglasses) Give me some time to consider your proposition. I will give you an answer very soon.
Screwface: I'll await… and watch.
Screwface's Twin (Also played by Basil Wallace): I and I see everything.
(Barco turns around and sees Screwface's twin walking in the room, then turns to Screwface)
Screwface: I and I be everywhere.
"Okay, that is legit creepy. And that character gives me the creeps. Man, this movie is giving me Halloween 4 vibes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Getting creeped out by Screwface, Barco goes to a fortune teller named Marta, played by Rita Verreos respectively, to tell her that Screwface is using the power of the spirits to do very evil things and he wants her to help him and he pays her to do something about it. And she does this by doing some Voodoo ritual curse on him, which involves her killing a chicken over a photo of Screwface's picture.
Marta (Played by Rita Verreos): Gallo, te mato port u sangre.
(Marta kills the chicken and we see it's blood splatter over some bones and a picture of Screwface. Screwface, who is asleep, wakes up and senses her Voodoo magic)
"Suddenly, Screwface senses her Voodoo powers. Either that or maybe one of BadlandChugs' burps." Sean said.
(Screwface wakes up to the sound of BadlandChugs burping)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, John and Max hang out at a bar for some drinks and catch up on old times, just like what friends do and… (Notices Hatchers jacket) oh, Jesus. What the hell is Seagal wearing? He's wearing a jacket with dragons on the front and a dragon on the back. Yeah, typical Seagal wardrobe.
John Hatcher: Some hormones in here.
Max Keller: Oh, yeah. (Laughs)
"What? Why are you looking at me for? He said it, not me. I'm sure it didn't feel out of place at all." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But their night out turns sour when Max recognizes one of the Jamaican drug dealers from the school and he gets mad about it, but Hatcher tells him to leave it alone. So, the ex-DEA agent isn't angry about the drug dealers, but the football coach is? Oh, by the way, the Jamaican drug dealer Monkey, played by Michael Ralph, works for Screwface and he's the same guy who was dealing drugs with his buddy.
Max Keller: Last month, my 13-year-old nephew died in a crack house run by these guys. That cut if for me.
John Hatcher: I'm sorry.
Max Keller: Look, I've had it! And now it seems they're moving in down here. I'm just waiting to do something, hear?
"Why didn't you tell him that before?!" Sean exclaimed. "You should've told him that right before you took him out for drinks." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Tito Barco's boys arrive at the bar to do a little drug deal, that is until the Posse show up to kill them and they shoot up the place. Right when Monkey gets ready to kill a surviving gangster, Hatcher swoops in and saves the guy.
(Hatcher grabs Monkey by his wrist)
Monkey (Played by Michael Ralph): What do you do, boy? Me no know you, but I promise you, you is a dead man walking!
John Hatcher: So what else is new?
(Hatcher pistol-whips Monkey)
(A clip from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country is shown)
Spock (Played by Leonard Nimoy): I've been dead before.
Sean: (Narrating) After Monkey threatens Hatcher, the police and the FBI arrive on the scene and we're introduced to FBI Agent Sal Roselli, played by Kevin Dunn, and he immediately recognizes Hatcher, and he demands answers to what's been going on.
John Hatcher: Gee, I don't know. What does it look like, Roselli? It's a shoot-out, Colombians. What do you want me to say?
Roselli (Played by Kevin Dunn): Probably Tito Barco's clan.
John Hatcher: What would Tito Barco be doing out this far?
Roselli: Losing. The turf is spreading out, Hatcher. The Jamaicans posses are more organized than these other players. They got more guns, more balls.
"They even got my wife hooked on weed and my son keeps screaming out his car robot's name." Sean said, imitating Roselli while referring to Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
Sean: (Narrating) Roselli asks Hatcher some help on the case, but Hatcher tells him that he's retired. Then, the city's token Jamaican detective Charles Marks, played by Tom Wright, tells Roselli that there's a sign on a wall and a professor is examining it. This brings us to Professor Leslie Davalos, played by Joanna Pacula, and she's an expert on Jamaican gangs.
Det. Charles Marks (Played by Tom Wright) Those markings were put there by a man named Screwface. You know what it means when we say a man's face is screwed?
Roselli: No.
Det. Charles Marks: Well, I pray you never have to find that out.
(Leslie notices Hatcher)
Leslie Davalos (Played by Joanna Pacula): Who's that?
Roselli: It's John Hatcher. He was an undercover troubleshooter for the DEA. We worked together a couple of years ago.
Det. Charles Marks: Yes, I know him. Him comin' in with us?
Roselli: No. He thinks he's retired.
Leslie Davalos: He still looks functional to me.
"And it's the movie's way of shoehorning a love interest for Seagal. Yeah, she would be attracted to a guy who wears dragons and a tiger on his jacket." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see discount Killmonger getting ready to kill the Colombian fortune teller chick on the pool table after sensing her Voodoo magic. And again, gotta love Basil Wallace in this movie, he tends to creep you out. Hell, he creeps me out in this movie.
Screwface: I have a message for you from Tito! Him say, meet him in Hell!
(Screwface kills Marta off-screen)
"Ah, man! Dude, that is terrible for the felt. Let's be real here, there's no way you're gonna get blood stains out of that table. Also, a pool table is not a place for you to kill a woman on. There's only two things that a pool table is useful for: 1. To play pool on. 2. To bang hot chicks on it. Ain't that right?" Sean asked.
"Yeah." Brian said as he high-fives Sean.
"Got that right, broski." Lucas said as he high-fives Sean.
"Ain't that right, Tyrone?" Sean asked.
"That's right, my man." Tyrone said as he shook Sean's hand.
"Yeah." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Monkey has been released from jail after being bailed out by a gangster named Jimmy Fingers, played by the late Tony DiBenedetto, and him and his buddy Nesta, played by Victor Romero Evans, head to the back of the club and we see Screwface's little drug operation. Screwface shows up and he's not too happy about the guy who put Monkey in jail.
Screwface: If a man commit a crime against you… he must be paid back a thousand times! Who do you fear? Him… or me?
"Dude, should you not be in his personal space? I know that Covid didn't exist back then, but still. No need to be up in his face." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we see that Hatcher and Max having a little jog in the neighborhood and (sees Hatcher waving his arms around and laughs) oh, God. We get to see how Seagal jogs.
"Movie, you keep on getting silly, you're gonna make me pee." Sean laughed.
John Hatcher: Listen, man. I don't think the world wants to change anyway.
Max Keller: Look, things do change, man.
John Hatcher: Let me tell you something. It's like you see this big dam with a leak in it. You plug it with your finger. Pretty soon, you see more holes, bigger ones. You plug it with your other fingers, you plug it with your toes, you plug it with your tongue, but the water keeps on gushing out. That's the way it is.
(A clip from Russell Westbrook's interview is shown)
Russell Westbrook: What? Bro, what are you talking about, man?
Max Keller: Look, Hatch, you haven't been here in a long time and I'm telling you trouble is tapping us both on the shoulder right now and you don't want to turn around.
John Hatcher: I hope you're wrong.
"And trouble starts tapping him on the shoulder in 3… 2… 1… and…" Sean said as he looked at his watch.
(Screwface's men drive up on Hatcher's sister's house and Monkey and Nesta shoot up her house in a drive-by)
John Hatcher: Get down!
(Hatcher dives down for cover as Screwface's men shoot up Melissa's house. After they finish shooting at Melissa's house, John gets up and sees the car driving off)
Melissa Hatcher (Played by Elizabeth Gracen): Johnny!
(Hatcher turns around and sees Melissa holding Tracey, who's been wounded by Screwface's men)
Melissa Hatcher: They hurt my baby! No!
"NOOOOOOOOOOO! Why did you have to hurt Danielle Harris? Oh, God! WHY?! And in a Seagal movie too! Damn! Damn! DAAAAAAAAAAMN!" Sean yelled out and starts crying.
Sean: (Narrating) Tracey gets wounded by the Posse, and with her in serious condition, she needs surgery and she is fighting for her life.
John Hatcher: Let me tell you something, doc, you treat this girl like she's the president of the United States and money isn't a consideration.
Dr. Stein (Played by Earl Boen): We treat all of our patients exactly—
John Hatcher: Let me tell you something. Like the president of the United States, OK?
"Whoa, easy, Seagal. No need to throat chop Dr. Silberman. I'm sure he'll treat her just fine. Just look at how his last patient turned out." Sean said.
(A clip from Terminator 2: Judgment Day is shown)
Sarah Connor (Played by Linda Hamilton): On August 29, 1997 it's gonna feel pretty fucking real to you too! Anybody not wearing two-million sunblock is gonna have a bad day. Get it?
(John tries to comfort Melissa)
Melissa Hatcher: Don't touch me, John. Don't touch me. This is your fault.
(A clip from Good Will Hunting is shown)
Will (Played by Matt Damon): I know.
(Back to the movie)
Melissa Hatcher: Do you understand? This is your fault.
(Back to the clip)
Will: Don't fuck with me.
(Back to the movie)
Melissa Hatcher: (Hits John) Goddamn you! Goddamn you! (Cries) This is your fault! And my baby… (Sobs)
(Cut to the clip)
(We see Will crying as Sean hugs him)
"Oh, now look what you did. You made Matt Damon cry." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With his niece in the hospital and fighting for her life and Seagal trying not to show any emotion. Dude, emote! Your niece got shot in the fucking head! At least whip out a few tears! Oh, whatever. Hatcher and Max do some vigilante justice to go after the people responsible. First up, is Jimmy Finger, as Hatcher finds the guy at a sleazy hotel and getting ready to have a threesome with two hookers, and he wants to go after Monkey and of course Screwface. But 'ol Jimmy Fingers ain't gonna rat out Screwface.
Jimmy Finger (Played by Tony DiBenedetto): You fucking know better than that, Hatcher. You know where the fuck—
(Jimmy reaches for his gun, but gets kicked in the face by Hatcher)
John Hatcher: Come here. I just want to talk to you for a moment.
Sean: (V/O as Hatcher) I just want to slap you around.
John Hatcher: The mob throws you out of Atlantic City, you come here selling guns to the Jamaicans, huh?
Jimmy Fingers: Fucking sell anything to anybody, Hatcher. Except you, man. Wouldn't sell you the fucking sweat off my balls!
John Hatcher: Is that right?
Jimmy Fingers: Yeah.
(Hatcher pushes Jimmy into a mirror, then Nesta pops out of the bathroom and charges at Hatcher and tries to attack him, but Hatcher throws him on a bed)
"Okay, I don't even want to know what that dude was doing in the bathroom this whole time." Sean said.
Jimmy Fingers: You're a fucking dead man, Hatcher! You hear me?!
John Hatcher: Yeah?
Jimmy Fingers: I'm fucking Jimmy Fingers! I'm a made fucking man!
(Hatcher shoots Jimmy in the head right when he pulls his gun out on him)
"Ooh, that was sick! Okay, I bet he's gonna say some awesome one-liner. What's he gonna say? It better be awesome."
John Hatcher: God made men.
"Eh, it's not perfect. But it'll do." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hatcher turns his attention to Nesta and interrogates him on where to find Screwface and he agrees to take him to him.
Nesta: Screwface kill me a thousand deaths worse than you.
John Hatcher: Yeah?
Nesta: Find him your fucking self! Ha ha!
(Nesta commits suicide by jumping out of a window and lands on the roof of a car)
(A clip from 24 is shown)
Jack Bauer (Played by Kiefer Sutherland): (Yells) DAMN IT!
Max Keller: Well?
John Hatcher: One thought he was invincible. The other thought he could fly.
Max Keller: So?
John Hatcher: They were both wrong.
"Okay, now that line was awesome." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Screwface is playing dominos with his boys and he hears the news about Jimmy Fingers and Nesta and he's not taking the news pretty well.
(An enraged Screwface flips over the table, rips the leg off of the table and hits one of his boys with it)
Sean breaks down in laughter for a bit. "Either he's angry about what Hatcher did or he's sick and tired of losing to that guy in dominos."
Screwface: I want Hatcher dead! I want his family dead! And if you cannot kill him… I gonna kill him! And then I go kill you.
"Well, how can I take you seriously when it looks like you've raided Bill Cosby's wardrobe?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Hatcher returns to his sister's house only to find a cow tongue and a cross nailed to the door and also the same symbol on the rug. This prompts Hatcher to get the FBI to protect his family, but Roselli is suspicious of Hatcher.
Roselli: Where were you last night?
John Hatcher: With a friend.
Roselli: Stay retired.
(Hatcher turns to Roselli and glares at him)
"Shouldn't you predict the world ending on New Year's Eve on Peter Venkman's show?" Sean asked, referring to Kevin Dunn's character from Ghostbusters II.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Hatcher goes to see Leslie for her help and shows her the symbol left over at his sister's.
Leslie Davalos: The ideogram is an African black magic symbol. It was used by the Jamaican drug gang the other night. The FBI said I'd be getting photos today.
John Hatcher: Well, I'm not with the FBI, you know.
Leslie Davalos: Well… the cow's tongue means you've talked or exposed them and have been marked for death.
"Boom! Title drop!" Sean exclaimed.
John Hatcher: What about this black cross?
Leslie Davalos: This may seem ridiculous to you, Hatcher, but these people are for real. Your family has been marked.
Sean: (V/O as Hatcher) My sister and my niece have been marked by a cow tongue? Sick!
Sean: (Narrating) Hatcher calls his sister to check up on her and tell her to check the window to see if there's somebody watching the house. Then, it gets into Halloween 4 territory when Screwface and his boys show up at the house.
Melissa Hatcher: What do you want?
Nago (Played by Jeffrey Anderson-Gunter): I want you.
Melissa Hatcher: What do you want? Just leave me alone. Somebody's coming. You're making a big mistake.
Nago: You're lying!
(Melissa kicks Nago in the balls)
Sean: (V/O as Nago) AAAAH! My jerk chicken, man!
(Melissa runs out of her room and heads downstairs to the door and opens it, but the chain is still on the door)
"Does this stupid bitch even know how locks work?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Screwface spits some liquor into Melissa's face and pimps slaps her down on the table perfectly in between some candles and he gets ready to kill her before she even stars in Highlander: The Raven. But Hatcher arrives in the nick of time to save her from certain death.
Melissa Hatcher: He said he'd be back. He said he'd kill us both.
John Hatcher: Somehow, I don't think he's gonna get the chance.
"And then he throat chopped his own sister to death. I'm kidding, that didn't happen." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Having enough of the Posse screwing with his family, Hatcher and Max do a little vigilante justice. Okay, this is an ex-DEA agent and a football coach taking on a drug gang and nobody's saying anything about it?
John Hatcher: What's happening, bro?
Monkey: Irie, irie. You want some blow?
John Hatcher: (Pulls out his gun and points it at Monkey) Yeah, I want some blow. Put your hands where I can see them or I'm gonna blow your head off.
"That's my second favorite line in the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) A car chase ensues and we get some pretty good driving stunts and a shoot-out during the car chase as well. And of course, we get the obvious driving background in certain parts of the scene. Also, you gotta love Seagal's disregard for human life when he's driving and shooting at the same time. Monkey crashes into department store after watching The Blues Brothers too many times and Hatcher and Max go after them and Seagal powers are activated.
Monkey: Gonna to kill you, little blood clot!
(Hatcher throws Monkey into a display)
Posse Member: Chuh. Bumba clot!
(Hatcher throws another Posse member into another display)
Nago: (Charges at Hatcher) Go, Ras!
(Hatcher throws Nago into another display)
"And he does this by throwing these three idiots into displays." Sean said.
(A member of the Posse is holding a woman hostage at knifepoint)
Posse Member: Back off, boy. Back off! Didn't you hear me say? You want her dead?
John Hatcher: Go ahead. Kill her. I don't know her. I don't care about her.
Posse Member: I got you where I want you now, just like a dog with no teeth.
John Hatcher: You want to kill her? Kill her? I don't mind if you kill her because I don't know her at all.
(Hatcher punches the Posse member in the face and frees the woman)
"Wow, Seagal was risking that woman's life. No wonder women think you're scum." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hatcher kills one guy and breaks another guy's wrist, then he roughs Monkey up by throwing him into some glass displays and breaks his bones.
John Hatcher: You fuck with my family, you die.
(Hatcher kicks Monkey, knocking him out. Nago gets up as Max runs up to him and hits him in the face with his shotgun, knocking him out)
John Hatcher: Now we're talking serious fun, man.
Sean (V/O as Max): You excited? You should feel my nipples.
Sean: (Narrating) Hatcher goes to see Leslie again and don't you just love the writers trying to shoehorn in a love interest for his character. It's like she's intrigued by him.
Leslie Davalos: I don't think there's a lot of guys like you anywhere.
John Hatcher: What is that supposed to mean?
"It means she's into ponytailed men who wear jackets that have dragons and a tiger on it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hatcher tells Leslie that he's planning on taking out the Posse and Leslie tells him that the only way to take out the Posse is by killing Screwface to make the gang believe that he's taken his power and that way they will believe his magic is bigger. But enough about that now as Hatcher is taking a lovely drive in the neighborhood and he comes across some road construction, but it turns out to be an ambush by Screwface, who manages to trap him in between two construction vehicles.
Screwface: I want you to meet my sister… (lights a Molotov cocktail) goddess of fire.
(Screwface tosses the bottle in the car, setting it on fire)
"I see that Screwface has taken a page from Violette1st." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hatcher manages to escape his flaming death trap and wait a minute… (Notices Hatcher's clothing) When did he switch to the same outfit from Hard to Kill? You know, the jacket, vest and shirt combo? In the scene before that, he was wearing his black jacket with the dragons and the tiger and now he's wearing a new outfit? Anyway, Hatcher and Max get some guns from a dealer, until Charles shows up and wants to tag along with the duo since he's been after Screwface for five years.
Det. Charles Marks: Your tactic is making him tougher to snatch up. Him jump already, you know? And it's only I who can guide you to what it is you seek.
John Hatcher: I don't know if that would be a very wise career move for you.
Det. Charles Marks: Come on. Look close. You think me work for the DEA? I'm a Jamaican cop, and Screwface is my career.
"Boy, Tom Wright is really hamming up the Jamaican accent." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Charles tells Hatcher that Screwface has gone back to Jamaica and Hatcher has him tag along with him and Max. And then, we get a gearing up montage.
(We get a montage of Hatcher, Max and Charles gearing up)
"And it comes with the most awesome music score ever." Sean said.
(The track "Weapons Montage" by Tom Scott and James Newton Howard plays in the background)
We then cut back to Sean, who is busy playing air guitar to the music.
John Hatcher: (Holds his silenced Remington 700) This is my silent partner. A whisper in the ear from this girl goes a long way. You know what I'm sayin'?
(Hatcher shoots at a target as Max and Charles look impressed. Then, we see Hatcher, who is armed with a silenced Fleming HK51K, shoots at a side of beef)
(A clip from Rocko's Modern Life is shown)
Heffer Wolfe (Voiced by Tom Kenny): You have no respect for food!
Sean: (Narrating) So our heroes head down to Jamaica, well just Charles and Max, Seagal just filmed his scenes in the U.S., anyway, Charles and Max meet with someone who shows them a picture of Screwface's former girlfriend, who hangs out at the Cat Club. So, Hatcher heads down there to look for her and we get a cameo from Jimmy Cliff singing "John Crow". Also, don't you just love the lyrics to the song?
Jimmy Cliff: (Singing) Screwface, you know that your time has come. You don't do right, you're gonna dead tonight.
"If I heard a song about me winding up dead, I would have some very harsh words with the guy singing the song." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hatcher meets with Screwface's former girlfriend after being enamored by her sexy dancing and she gives him some important information about Screwface.
Screwface's Girlfriend (Played by Sandra Canning): Screwface have two head and four eyes and that is the secret to his magic.
"He's the Two-Headed Monster from Jack the Giant Killer?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, our heroes sneak into Screwface's compound and see him partying and after taking out three of his men with a sniper rifle, things start to pop off when we get explosions to cut off the power and a big shoot-out ensues while Hatcher makes his way inside… very quietly without any of Screwface's men noticing.
Sean: (V/O as Hatcher) Don't mind me. I'm just passing through.
Sean: (Narrating) Hatcher heads into a little room and finds pictures of himself, until he gets captured by Screwface and prepared for a ritual sacrifice.
Screwface: Welcome to our island.
John Hatcher: Fuck you.
Screwface: You a woman? Me know what you is. You is a dog after bone! And you have no teeth.
(Screwface hits Hatcher)
"Oh, no he did not just hit him! He did not just hit Seagal. Now you're gonna die, buddy." Sean said.
(Screwface's men tie up Hatcher for a ritual sacrifice)
Screwface: You was conceived in darkness… but I going to deliver you into the light.
(Hatcher grabs one of the Posse members by his throat and breaks free from his bonds. He hits the first Posse member, then knock the other down and he frees himself. He takes on three of the members of the Posse as they grab him, but Hatcher manages to make them bump into each other)
"What the hell? Is the fighting the Jamaican Three Stooges?" Sean asked.
(The scene plays while the Three Stooges theme plays in the background. During the scene, cartoony sound effects play throughout. The theme ends after Hatcher breaks a man's arm and the man screams in pain)
Screwface: I know you. You love the killing, but you's an empty shell inside.
(Hatcher kicks dirt in Screwface's face. Screwface swings his katana and misses, then Hatcher hits Screwface in the groin, he screams in pain and Hatcher beheads him)
"Jesus! That was pretty brutal in a Seagal movie. Never in my life have I seen somebody get hit in the balls with a katana, then get their head chopped off." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, ow! After killing Screwface, our heroes head back to Chicago to meet with the remaining members of the Posse to tell them that Screwface is dead. But they don't believe him when he shows them his sword or staff, whatever.
John Hatcher: Screwface is dead! Now you get the fuck out of town or die.
Jamaican Posse: You must want me and my bumba clot posse shoot you down now, boy.
(Charles pulls out Screwface's head and the Posse stays silent)
Det. Charles Marks: Dead and about to be buried! The evil is demolished.
"Wait a minute! They flew from Jamaica to Chicago with a severed head. Did they stow it or have it on a carry-on? Man, flying pre-911 is crazy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And thus, happy ending! Screwface is dead and the Posse leave town. Hatcher and his family are safe and they all live happily ever…
(Charles is suddenly stabbed by a katana as Hatcher and Max turn around to see that Screwface is alive)
Man: Magic power! Screwface is dead not! Magic man back!
"Aw, shit! Oh, yeah. I forgot about his twin." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So much for that plan as all hell breaks loose. Hatcher goes after Screwface but before he goes after him, he takes on a couple members of the Posse and kills them while Max takes on some of them. And then we get to the final showdown as Hatcher faces off with Screwface's twin.
Screwface's Twin: You killed me brother. Now you going wish you was dead.
(Hatcher and Screwface have a katana duel)
Sean: (Narrating) And I have to say that this is a pretty awesome fight scene with some nice sword combat. Hell, we see a bad guy manage to get a couple of hits on Seagal. But we all know how this is going to end.
(Hatcher slashes Screwface in the face with the katana. Screwface swings his katana at Hatcher, but ends up getting it knocked out of his hands. We then cut to Screwface getting his eyes gouged out by Hatcher, then Hatcher breaks his spine and throws him down an elevator shaft and impaled on a spike)
John Hatcher: I hope they weren't triplets.
"God forbid if there's three Screwfaces, then we're all dead." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Luckily, it's only two of them as the Posse see their leader dead, now the evil is demolished. And the movie ends with Hatcher and Max leaving the scene with Charles in tow. I'm pretty sure Max lost his job as a football coach after doing some vigilante justice with Hatcher. And what about little Tracey? Will she be alright? We haven't seen her recovering from getting shot. Eh, screw it. Here's the credits.
(The end credits are shown)
"And that was Marked for Death. It's not perfect, but I still enjoyed it and had a lot of fun watching it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This is Seagal at his finest. You have some great moments, some witty one-liners and some 90s cheese and you have a villain that's scary as hell. There's some silly moments that'll make you laugh and some questionable moments, and I love every minute of it. This was a pretty good Seagal film to watch alongside Above the Law and Hard to Kill, and you'll have a lot of fun watching it. Marked for Death comes in at 4 killer Rastafarians out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and we're almost finished with Seagal Month. So, what's the next movie that I'm going to review? I hope it's a pretty good one." Sean said.
(The trailer for "Out for Justice" is shown)
Gino Felino (Played by Steven Seagal): I'm gonna keep comin' back until somebody-ee remembers seein' Richie.
(The title screen for the movie is shown)
Announcer: Out for Justice.
"Ooh, this is gonna be good." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- God made men.
And that's all for the review of Marked for Death for The Mayhem Critic. I hope you all enjoyed the new review and I hope you all got a good laugh from it. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Seagal Month is almost over when Sean reviews Steven Seagal's fourth film Out for Justice, a film that got negative reviews from critics. Is it the worst Seagal film ever? Don't forget to review the chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.