The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean the Mayhem Critic reviewed Seagal's third film Marked for Death. Today, our favorite residential movie critic is reviewing Seagal's fourth film Out for Justice, a film where Seagal is a jerk towards people in Brooklyn while speaking in a bad Brooklyn accent. It's a film that got negative reviews from critics, but Sean has some love for it. Is this one of Seagal's worst films? We'll find out today. So sit back, relax and enjoy the hilarious new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Out for Justice is owned by Warner Bros.
Seagal Month Part IV: Out for Justice
(The intro to Seagal Month is shown, followed by clips from some of his films while blues music plays in the background)
Sean: (V/O as Steven Seagal) You got a problem with me? I'm your worst nightmare. I have no fear of death, more important, I don't fear life. I'm Steven Seagal, you mess with me, I'll seal your fate in my hands.
(After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch and he prepares to start his introduction)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And welcome back to Seagal Month. And boy, we're in for a real treat. I think I've found a movie where we have both good and bad Seagal." Sean said.
Gino Felino (Played by Steven Seagal): Anybody seen Richie? Anybody know why Richie did Bobby Lupo?
"Oh, boy. Here we go." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Out for Justice" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "Don't Stand In My Way" by Gregg Allman plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, it's about time that I talk about Seagal's fourth film. Out for Justice was released in theaters on April 12th, 1991. And on April 20th, 1991, he hosted Saturday Night Live. And the results…
(A clip from the infamous Saturday Night Live episode where Steven Seagal is hosting is shown)
Nico Tenelli (Played by Steven Seagal): I caught these two guys with three kilos of cocaine. What do you think they were doin', makin' chalk for girls' softball games?
(The Jennifer's Date sketch is shown)
Mr. Novak (Also played by Steven Seagal): I think Dougie here needs a soda.
(No laughter is heard)
"Yeah, that was pretty painful." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) After making three box office hits, Seagal was continuing his success with Out for Justice. Originally titled, "The Price of Our Blood", which means Mafia blood, but Warner Bros. wanted to give the movie a three-word title like the other Seagal movies. And when I said that three of his films were box offices hits, this one debuted number one in the box office, but after it's release, critics bashed the film. And remember when I said that Marked for Death was pretty violent? Well, this one is the most violent one. The movie was originally rated NC-17 for it's brutal and graphic violence. No really. This movie makes RoboCop (A poster for RoboCop is shown) look like The Care Bears Movie (A poster for The Care Bears Movie is shown) with it's over-the-top violence. And despite the film getting bashed by critics, I find it pretty enjoyable… for reasons we'll get to when I start the review. I'm sure that there are some questionable moments but there are some good moments in it, and we're gonna look over them today.
"So, let's take a look at Out for Justice." Sean said.
(The movie opens with a quote from playwright Arthur Miller that reads: "While to the stranger's eye one street was no different from another, we all knew where our 'neighborhood' somehow ended. Beyond that, a person was…a stranger.")
"Well, that's one way to start a Seagal film." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I'm not kidding. The movie literally opens with a quote from Arthur Miller, who was raised in Brooklyn. Yeah, when I think of Steven Seagal, I think of the guy that wrote Death of a Salesman, Everybody Wins and The Crucible (Posters for Death of a Salesman, the 1990 movie Everybody Wins and the 1996 film The Crucible are shown).
"If you want to start a Seagal film with any random quote. You would see something like…" Sean said.
(We see that the movie opens with a quote. The quote reads: "Well… you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. Bart Simpson, raised in Springfield")
Sean: (Narrating) After that little quote, we open on the mean streets of New York and we're introduced to Seagal's character an NYPD detective by the name of Gino Felino. I'm not kidding, that's his character's name. We see that he's out on a stakeout with his partner Bobby Lupo, played by Joe Spataro, and he sees the most pimpiest pimp in all of pimpdom trying to put one of his hoes in check.
King (Played by John Toles-Bey): Yo, Erms, what's up?
Hooker: Nothing.
King: What? You don't work for me no more?
Hooker: Yeah. I was just gonna get… (To the other hooker) Didn't I just say I was going to get his money? I was just saying…
King: What? Yo, bitch, I don't work for the phone company. I don't do this shit long-distance. Bring your motherfucking ass here.
"Oh, yeah. I'm sure that this guy has his way with the ladies. He's a real gentleman." Sean said.
Gino Felino: You know, Bobby, you've been acting kind of strange lately. Everything all right with you?
Bobby Lupo (Played by Joe Spataro): Yeah. Just had a few personal problems. It's all taken care of.
Gino Felino: What kind of problems?
Bobby Lupo: Don't worry about it, Gino. I straightened it out.
Gino Felino: Yeah? You sure?
Bobby Lupo: Absolutely. Don't worry about it, ok?
Gino Felino: Ok.
"I'm pretty sure that those personal problems won't come back to bite him on the ass and it'll lead to him probably getting killed? Maybe. I'm just sayin'." Sean said.
(Gino sees the pimp named King, beating up on one of his women)
Sean: (Narrating) Gino sees the pimp beating up on the woman and when the guy continues to act like Laurence Fishburne in What's Love Got to Do With It, Gino blows the stakeout and swoops in to save that poor defenseless woman.
Hooker: I'm pregnant!
King: What?! You're pregnant?! You let some trick get you pregnant, girl? Ain't you ever heard of a rubber?!
(King punches the woman in the face)
Sean: (V/O as King) I'm gonna make you eat that cake, bitch!
(Gino, Bobby and the other cops apprehend King and the other drug dealers)
"So much for that $3 million deal. I'm sorry, who were they staking out again? They didn't say? Was it the pimp and his buddies? Eh, screw it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gino helps the woman out, but then the pimp decides to mess with him. And since this is a Seagal movie, you know what's gonna happen to the guy.
Gino Felino: You like to beat up on fuckin' women, is that it? Huh? Beat up on me, asshole.
King: Oh, yeah. That's right, that's right. You a bad motherfucker. Huh? I know where you live, you stupid motherfucker. I will fuck your wife and kill your…
(Gino grabs King and throws him into car's window. He pulls King out and throws him into some garbage cans. King gets up and gets ready to attack Gino)
King: Gino, you son of a bitch!
(King runs towards Gino until Gino tosses him into the car's windshield. We cut to a shot of his red shoes sticking out)
"Boy, the urban version of The Wizard of Oz is pretty violent." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After we get our freeze frame shot of Seagal and his name being shown and the opening titles, we cut to a crazed mafioso by the name of Richie Madano, played by William Forsythe, as he opens up his secret stash of drugs and money.
Richie Madano (Played by William Forsythe): I got some unfinished business to take care of. It'll all be over by the end of tonight. You guys stick by me, all that money's yours.
Bobby Arms (Played by Jay Acovone): Holy shit. That's a lot of fuckin' money, Rich. We stuck with you through worse shit for free. How long could the night be?
"Sal Marcano sure definitely got his start in the Mafia when he was young." Sean said, referring to Jay Acovone's character from the video game Mafia III.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Richie's gang consists of these Sopranos rejects: Bobby Arms played by Jay Acovone, Joey Dogs played by Nick Corello and Buchi played by a young Robert LaSardo. We then cut to Bobby walking with his wife Laurie, played by Shareen Mitchell, and his two daughters. And while she's busy doing some shopping in the store, Bobby waits outside for them. That is until Richie shows up and sees Bobby.
(Richie walks up to Bobby and pulls out his snub nosed .38 revolver and shoots Bobby in cold blood)
(A clip from Avatar: The Last Airbender is shown)
Cabbage Merchant (Voiced by James Sie): MY CABBAGES! This place is worse than Omashu!
Sean: (Narrating) And of course, the partner gets killed. And right in front of his wife and kids too.
Richie Madano: How's that feel, huh, Bobby? You ain't laughin' now.
(Bobby speaks in Italian and Richie spits on him and planting something on his bullet-ridden body)
Laurie Lupo (Played by Shareen Mitchell): (Screams) Oh, no! He shot my husband!
(Richie shoots Bobby once more and walks off)
Bobby Lupo: Poor Bobby.
"Geez, that was pretty brutal. And I thought Murphy's death scene in RoboCop was much more brutal." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After seeing his partner getting whacked very early in the movie, we see that Gino is getting ready to spend some quality time with his son Tony, played by Julius Nasso Jr.
Tony Felino (Played by Julius Nasso Jr.): Dad, can we play catch or what?
Gino Felino: You finish your homework?
Tony Felino: No.
Gino Felino: No? And you still want to play catch with me?
Tony Felino: Yeah.
Gino Felino: Yeah. Go get your stuff.
Tony Felino: Thank you.
"Okay, I would pay good money just to see Seagal throwing a ball." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay. So, while Gino is about to play ball with his son, we cut back to Richie smoking some crack after killing Bobby. Did I mention that the dude is addicted to drugs? Well, he is. Aside from being crazy, and after killing a female driver for calling him an asshole, him and his crew just walk off like it's Grand Theft Auto V. And we cut back to Gino about to play ball with his son, he gets a phone call about Bobby. So much for father-son time. So he heads down to the scene where… (Sees Gino wearing a beret) oh, my God! That is typical Seagal!
"That dude and his taste in wardrobe. And that is the most badass outfit choice ever. The vest/beret combo. Don't we all wish we could dress up like him? Without looking like a fatass like him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gino meets up with his captain, Ronnie Donziger played by Jerry Orbach, and he brings him over to Bobby's dead body, which doesn't look too bloody. Come on, it was a lot bloodier than that. Donziger tells Gino that Richie murdered him. Also, Gino has had some history with Richie because it turns out that him, Richie and Bobby all grew up in the same neighborhood together.
Captain Ronnie Donziger (Played by Jerry Orbach): Gino, listen to me. We got a city-wide out. Every available officer. We got A.L.s at the tolls, airports, trains, buses.
Gino Felino: Ronnie, Ronnie. This guy ain't gonna run. He'll sneak, and he'll hide, but he ain't gonna leave Brooklyn. Now look, I'll feed you every dope-digging dive he's got, but let me do it my way, you just give me an unmarked and a shotgun, all right.
"Now, I'm gonna talk about this, which is Seagal's Brooklyn accent. And boy, it's not good." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) You can see how he's trying to talk like he's from Brooklyn. And I've heard good Brooklyn accents (A picture of Harley Quinn from Batman: The Animated Series is shown). This right here…
(Cut to a clip from Saturday Night Live)
Nico Tenelli: I caught these two guys with three kilos of cocaine. What do you think they were doin', makin' chalk for girls' softball games?
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, every person from Brooklyn would be offended. After Donziger gives Gino the approval to go after Richie, his ex-wife Vicky, played by Jo Champa, tells him not to go after Richie and let the other cops do it, but Gino knows him better than anybody else and he knows the neighborhood than anybody else.
Vicky Felino (Played by Jo Champa): Why won't this man ruh?
Gino Felino: You know, Vick, you never understood nothing about the neighborhood, did you. Huh?
Vicky Felino: No. I guess I never did.
Gino Felino: Well, let me tell you something. You kill on 18th Avenue in front of a 100 witnesses, you're gonna die. The only difference is this guy wants to die in his own neighborhood, all right.
Vicky Felino: Why can't you all just piss on a tree and mark your territory the way dogs do?
Gino Felino: Don't worry, Vick, I'll make it to the divorce hearing on time in one piece, all right?
Vicky Felino: Oh, yeah? I'll pick up Laurie and the girls and I'll bring them over to our house for as long as they need me. Get this over with so we can finish our business.
Gino Felino: (Speaks in Italian) Eh, subito.
Vicky Felino: (Speaks in Italian) Buono.
"I'm sorry, did they curse each other out in Italian?" Sean asked.
Vicky Felino: Get this over with so we can finish our business.
Gino Felino: (Speaking in Italian and we see the translation that reads, "Oh, fuck off!")
Vicky Felino: (Speaking in Italian and we see the translation that reads, "Asshole!")
"I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Subito means "right away" in Italian and buono means "good" in Italian. Yeah, I know a bit of Italian too. And I can speak Italian." Sean said as he clears his throat before speaking in Italian. "Steven Seagal ha il peggior accento di Brooklyn di sempre."
(We see the translation that reads "Steven Seagal has the worst Brooklyn accent ever.")
Sean: (Narrating) The Mafia learns about what Richie has done and let me just say that the cops aren't the only ones who are out for Richie, the Mafia is too. Gino, who has connections to the mob goes to meet with Don Vittorio, played by Ronald Maccone, and the two of them speak in Italian for a bit before speaking in English.
Don Vittorio (Played by Ronald Maccone): Gino, this man disgraced me… and you. He spilled the blood of an innocent man in front of his family! And on my sidewalk! Gino, you know our ways. He must be dealt with by us, but I promise you, I will teach this man the price of our blood.
"By that he means, "Mafia blood". And does it count when he drops the movie's original title?" Sean asked.
Gino Felino: God forbid, I find this guy before you do, you know what I'm gonna do,
Don Vittorio: (Speaks in Italian and we see the translation) I know, I know, Gino. (In English) Think about it, huh?
Gino Felino: (Speaks in Italian and we see the translation) Sure Don Vittorio, God bless you.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that he's gonna find Richie before they do. Why? Because he's Steven Seagal, he shows no mercy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After meeting with Don Vittorio, Gino drives around and calls Captain Donziger to tell him that Don Vittorio doesn't know anything. But then he sees some guy throwing a garbage bag out of his car, Gino stops the car to see what's inside the bag.
(Gino rips open the garbage bag and finds a German Shepherd puppy)
"Awww! A puppy! It's an adorable little puppy. What kind of monster would put a puppy in a trash bag and throw it out of a moving vehicle?" Sean asked.
Gino Felino: Please, God, let me run into this guy someday.
"Don't worry, Gino. You'll get your chance. Trust me and it's gonna be worth it." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(Gino gets into his car with the puppy and the song "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" by Beastie Boys starts playing and we get a montage of Gino driving around Brooklyn for the whereabouts of Richie)
Sean: (Narrating) Ah, there's nothing better than a good 'ol 90s action movie is a good 'ol fashioned montage as we see Gino driving around Brooklyn and asking around for the whereabouts of Richie. And after getting a six-pack of seltzer from the kid on the block and telling him to call him if he sees anything, we get…
(Gino is driving past a hooker)
Hooker: You want to fuck?
(Gino laughs)
Gino Felino: Oh, my God. Did you hear what she said?
Homeless Guy: What did she say, my man? What did she say?
"We get to see Steven Seagal laugh. Hey, at least he's showing some emotion here. That chick just made him laugh." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Richie is looking for a couple of guys for backup.
Richie Madano: Anybody got the balls, huh? Anybody got the balls? How about you, Paulie? You got the fucking balls?
Paulie (Played by Carl Ciarfalio): Yeah, I got the balls.
Richie Madano: Now you've got the bread.
(Richie tosses Paulie a roll of money)
"Yeah, that dude should know. He keeps flashing his balls to Deuce Bigalow every time he sees him." Sean said as he referenced the character Detective Charles "Chuck" Fowler from Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.
(Gino shows up and sees Richie)
Bobby Arms: It's Gino!
(Richie sees Gino)
Richie Madano: Get in the fucking car!
Sean: (Narrating) Gino catches up with Richie and his pals and we get one of the greatest early '90s car chases of all time and you know it's gonna be a short movie. But it's not because he ends up getting away and he stops at the local butcher shop to have some of his boys kill Gino when he comes in.
Richie Madano: I want you to hang this motherfucker up on a hook. You hear me, Frankie? I got some scores to settle. You three come with me. Let's go!
(Richie and his buddies leave the shop)
Richie Madano: Hang him up by a hook!
"Butcher shop filled with the cast of The Sopranos and Steven Seagal. This won't end well for these guys." Sean said.
(Gino enters the butcher shop as one of the goons take a swing at him with a meat cleaver. Gino grabs the guy and sticks the meat cleaver in his upper leg. He goes after Paulie and slams him into the butcher shop counter, then he trips and slams him to the floor. A butcher runs over towards a knife and grabs it. Paulie gets up and Gino pushes him against the wall. He then yanks the meat cleaver from out of the guy's leg and pins Paulie's hand to the wall with the cleaver. Paulie screams in pain and Gino punches him in the groin. He is screaming in pain throughout the whole scene)
"Jesus, that shot was pretty brutal. No wonder this movie almost got an NC-17 rating for it's violence." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, can you imagine being that guy in the butcher shop and that dude is still pinned to the wall while screaming in pain?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Brian: (V/O as Butcher) Welcome to Satriale's? What would you like for me to get you?
Sean: (as Customer) Uh, yeah. Give me three pork chops, a couple of porterhouse steaks, a half-pound of gabbagool and…
(Hears Paulie screaming)
Sean: What's with the guy screaming? And why is he pinned to the wall?
Brian: (V/O) Some ponytailed cop was beating the everloving shit out of us. And look what he did to Paulie. He can't stop screaming. Would you like anything else?
Sean: Yeah, give me some pork steaks as well.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Butcher (Played by Edward Korn): Bust his head!
(A butcher with a baseball cap and a moustache tries to attack Gino with a baseball bat. Gino ends up knocking the guy out with it)
"Since when did Mario join the mob?" Sean chuckled as a picture of Mario is shown.
Sean: (V/O as Mario) It's a-me! Mari… (As Gino hits him with a bat) Ohhhhh! You motherfu… (Gino knocks him out with the bat) OWWWWW!
Butcher: (Points a gun at Gino) This is for you, motherfucker.
Gino Felino: Don't be a bad guy. What do you want to shoot me for? (Grabs the butcher by his wrist and twists it) Huh? Don't be a bad guy like that. Be a nice guy, all right?
"Words of wisdom from our lord and savior, Steven Seagal." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The movie establishes yet again that the mob wants Richie dead. Yeah, movie. We already knew that earlier. We get more of Gino and his puppy as we see him buy some puppy food until leading mobster Frankie, played by Sal Richards, chats with Gino for a bit and the movie establishes that he's a mobster and he's a cop.
Gino Felino: Ever since we was little, I never ever tried to act like, you know, act like I was better than you at anything and I never was. You call me lucky. I wasn't lucky, man. It was just deep desire, you know. I was always willing to do whatever it took to get the job done, all right. You know this thing, it's like… you think it's the department. I don't give a fuck about the department. This to me is personal, you see? That's all.
Frankie (Played by Sal Richards): You're never going to change, Gino.
(Gino speaks in Italian)
Frankie: Yeah.
"I don't understand what you just said in that awful Brooklyn accent, but I'm pretty sure that you cursed me out in Italian." Sean said, imitating Frankie.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to a bar owned by Richie's brother Vinnie, played by Anthony DeSando, as he gets visited by some mobsters who work for Don Vittorio, to question him on the whereabouts of Richie and they perform their own version of an investigation.
Sal: You find him. Otherwise, the next time we come back here, you're coming with us. Get out of here.
"Well, that was pointless. They've accomplished nothing. They didn't even break his legs. Worst. Mobsters. Ever." Sean said in his Comic Book Guy voice.
Sean: (Narrating) But Gino is conducting his own investigation as he stops by Richie's parents house to ask them if they've seen him or if he stopped by and letting them know that he killed Bobby in front of his wife and kids and a random woman and that he has lost his mind.
Gino Felino: If you've seen Richie or you know something that I don't know, then you better tell me.
Mr. Madano (Played by Dominic Chianese): When I came here, I got a job repairing the subway.
"And, uh, that's important because?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.
Mr. Madano: I come home for dinner every night- - almost fifty years, and you don't believe me?
Gino Felino: I believe you. And even when I was a punk kid, I believed you and you believed me.
Mr. Madano: How can I keep you from killing my son?
"Well, either have Seagal kill him or you can just shoot him like you did with your nephew." Sean said, referencing The Sopranos while the clip of Uncle Junior shooting Tony is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Gino tells Mr. Madano to tell Richie to get a lawyer and turn himself in or he'll kill him. And speaking of Richie, we see him stopping at an apartment to visit a former prostitute named Rica, played by Julianna Margulies, in her film debut. Yes, this was before she did ER and The Good Wife. Also, we see what a heartless bastard that he is.
Richie Madano: Normal? What do you mean by normal? What did you do, Rica? What did you do? Did you just say no? What are you? What's her name- - uh, uh, Nancy fucking Reabush? '
Rica (Played by Julianna Margulies): No, Rich. It's not like that.
Richie Madano: Huh? You wouldn't just say no to me would you, Rica?
Rica: No, Rich.
"Killing a cop in front of his family, shooting a random woman, doing drugs and getting sexual favors from a former prostitute." Sean said.
(A clip from Annie Hall is shown)
Alvy- Age 9 (Played by Jonathan Munk): What an asshole.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Gino, he goes to Vinnie's bar to question him about the whereabouts of Richie, but not before acting like a total asshole towards people in his bar. And be honest, you all just wanted to see that part every time when the movie is on.
Gino Felino: Anybody seen Richie?
Bar Patron: Fuck you!
Gino Felino: Anybody know why Richie did Bobby Lupo?
Bar Patron #2: Fuck off! Ha ha ha!
Pool Player: I don't know ugatz.
(Gino shoves the pool player into a phone booth)
Gino Felino: I ain't fooling.
"And he immediately starts being an asshole towards everybody." Sean said.
Gino Felino: Vinnie, tell everybody to get up on the fucking table.
(Gino fires his gun up in the air, startling Vinnie and the patrons)
Vinnie Madano (Played by Anthony DeSando): Are you totally fucking nuts or what?! You could've killed somebody upstairs!
Gino Felino: But there ain't nobody upstairs!
Vinnie Madano: There's nobody upstairs. How would you know? Did you bust in the joint?
Gino Felino: I don't recall.
Sammy (Played by Gianni Russo): The only balls he has is that badge and gun!
Gino Felino: (Pulls out his gun and points it at Sammy) Is that right? Let me show you something.
"Oh, God. He's gonna turn into Fire Marshall Bill from In Living Color. RUN!" Sean yelled out as he ducks for cover.
Sean: (Narrating) Gino unloads his gun and he continues to ask if (imitates Gino) anybody seen Richie, and yet people want to try and start some shit with him.
Tattoos (Played by Sonny Hurst): Hey, fuck-face, you want to get by me? There's only two things stopping you- - fear and common sense, and I'm going to cut your fucking head off!
(Tattoos pulls out a knife and lunges at Gino. Gino dodges the knife and hits Tattoos across the face with pool ball wrapped in a towel. Another guy tries to attack Gino, but he gets hit in the head. Gino hits the third guy and kicks him in the face)
"Jesus, that's the most brutal version of Sam's butter sock I've ever seen in my life." Sean said.
(Tattoos spits out his teeth and confronts Gino)
Tattoos: Motherfucker, you knocked my teeth out!
(Gino blocks Tattoos' attack and knocks him out with the wrapped pool ball)
Vinnie Madano: Hey, Sticks, come on!
(A guy attacks Gino by hitting him in the back of the legs with a pool cue. Gino turns around and knocks the guy out. Gino goes up against a man named "Sticks", played by Dan Inosanto, and they fight with pool cues)
"It would've been much better if they fought with lightsabers." Sean said.
(The scene is edited with Gino armed with two green lightsabers and Sticks armed with two red lightsabers)
"That would've made the movie ten times awesome." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gino proceeds to beat the shit out of everybody in the bar, including Carlo Rizzi (Sammy). He then roughs up Vinnie by breaking his arm and nose before leaving.
Gino Felino: Anybody seen Richie, huh? I'm gonna keep comin' back until somebody remembers seeing Richie!
(The song "Shake the Firm" by Cool J.T. plays as the next scene cuts the cops busting into a strip club)
"Well, hello, early '90s rap. I didn't expect to hear from you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We get a little montage of the cops hitting a mob-owned strip club and other stuff. And for a movie from 1991, it has a pretty good soundtrack. Hell, they should've used that song for the bar fight.
(During the montage, Richie meets up with a boy in the alley, played by John Leguizamo. The boy tries to get away, but Richie catches him and punches him. He then pulls out a pack of drugs from out of his jacket and points his gun at the boy)
"And we get a chance to see a young John Leguizamo getting his ass kicked in a Seagal movie, and it's not Seagal giving him a beatdown." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Man, I can imagine Richie being pissed about him as Luigi in Super Mario Bros.
(The scene plays once more)
Sean: (V/O as Richie) That's for playing Luigi in that Super Mario Bros. movie. Charlie Day was a better Luigi than you, you prick!
Sean: (Narrating) After that montage, we cut back to Don Vittorio as we see him taking a nice swim while Frankie informs him that the cops have been hitting ever mob-owned business and establishing that the mob wants him… oh, my God! We already know that the mob wants Richie dead. No need to tell us that again! Can we cut to something else that's important to the movie?
Bobby Arms: Buchi, tell Joey about the mouse.
Joey Dogs (Played by Nick Corello): What mouse?
Buchi (Played by Robert LaSardo): Why? Is Joey an exterminator now?
Joey Dogs: Why? What about the mouse?
Buchi: No, I got a mouse in my house. I pay $800 to chase a fucking mouse around my house.
Joey Dogs: Why you got to chase it? Just shoot this rat bastard.
Buchi: Oh yeah. I'm gonna shoot a mouse. The mouse is about this fucking big.
Joey Dogs: So you shoot him.
Bobby Arms: Shoot him through the floor, you'll kill the neighbor.
We cut back to Sean, who looks puzzled with his eyes squinted as he stayed silent for a bit while looking at the camera. Then after a couple of seconds, he says a word.
"What the truckload of Christ? Are we supposed to be afraid of those guys? How am I supposed to afraid of these guys when they're talking about a mouse in someone's apartment? Jeez, you clowns make the guys from The Godfather look legitimate!" Sean exclaimed.
Joey Dogs: Why you got to chase it? Just shoot this rat bastard.
Buchi: Oh yeah. I'm gonna shoot a mouse. The mouse is about this fucking big.
Joey Dogs: So you shoot him.
(Sonny Corleone, Peter Clemenza and Sal Tessio from The Godfather laugh while intercutting with footage of Richie and his crew)
Sean: (Narrating) Gino goes to meet Don Vittorio at a restaurant about why the cops hurting his business and Gino bad mouths the Don and the movie establishes Gino's ties to the mob. And we already knew that from before! And later her tells Frankie a story from his childhood about his Uncle Pino and how he beat up a guy and threw him in the trunk of a car. Is it important to the plot? HELL NO! Let's just move on as we cut to Richie and his gang going to a mafia-owned spot in the city. And all on the same night too. Jesus, this guy is pretty busy. But back to Gino, as he heads to a club owned by Richie's sister Patti, played by Gina Gershon, and asks her if she has any info on Richie, then he starts acting like a total asshole.
Gino Felino: Have you seen your brother anywhere?
Patti Madano (Played by Gina Gershon) No, Gino. I haven't. I told you a million times.
(Gino throws some papers off of Patti's desk)
Patti Madano: What the flying fuck do you think you're doing?
Gino Felino: Have you seen your brother anywhere?
Patti Madano: What are you stupid? I already told you no!
(Gino finds a Walther PP in Patti's desk)
Gino Felino: Oh, look what I found. Ooh, you got a gun.
Patti Madano: I got a license for that.
Gino Felino: Where is it?
Patti Madano: My dog ate it.
Gino Felino: Let me tell you something, this is a year in jail. Sullivan Act. You think a year's a piece of cake?
"Uh, actually, that's nothing. You can't just barge in and search without a warrant. Even if you do find anything without a warrant, it's immiscible in court. Haven't you learned anything from Lennie Briscoe?" Sean asked.
Gino Felino: So you know what I'll do?
Patti Madano: What?
Gino Felino: I'm going to arrest you.
Patti Madano: (Chuckles) Shut up. What are you going to arrest me for what? How does it work, Gino? What am I supposed to give you a little head in the corner and you'll forget about the whole thing?
"Suddenly, an image of Gina Gershon giving Seagal a blowjob is burned in my mind. My God." Sean said with a look of disgust.
Sean: (Narrating) Gino arrests Patti and he takes her down to the station and he charges her for prostitution. Really? Charging her for some shit that she hasn't done? Are you out of your mind, Gino? And then, he asks her about Roxanne, the name on the napkin that a waitress gave him back at the club, but Patti doesn't give him an answer.
Gino Felino: Jack, did you ever find this one over here on the street?
Jack: Many times.
Gino Felino: And how much was she?
Jack: Ten bucks.
Patti Madano: (Gives Jack the finger) Oh, ten bucks this, friend!
"Wait, is that how much hookers charge back in '91?" Sean asked. "Boy, prostitution in the '90s is cheap as shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Richie, he is busy smoking some crack and drinking, until his wheelchair-bound buddy Chas the Chair, played by Jorge Gil, questions him about what's going on between him and Bobby and that's when his paranoia kicks in.
Chas The Chair (Played by Jorge Gil): Was that business, or was it personal?
Richie Madano: It was personal business.
(Bobby walks over to the door and sees the cops getting ready to storm the warehouse)
Bobby Arms: Holy shit! Richie!
Richie Madano: Why the fuck are you asking about my business?! Huh?
Bobby Arms: Richie, Richie. Cops. Cops.
Richie Madano: You rat me out? Huh?
Chas The Chair: No, never.
Richie Madano: Rat bastard!
Chas The Chair: I'd never rat you out, Richie!
Richie Madano: I'm gonna put you out of your misery. (Points his gun at Chas)
Chas The Chair: Please don't, Richie! Please don't!
(Richie shoots and kills Chas before he leaves)
"We can add shooting a guy in a wheelchair to the list. What's next to make him even more of a disgusted asshole? Have him kill black people or blind people or maybe kick a kitten? I'm sure there's a place in Hell for him and that spot is reserved for him and he'll be dining with Adolf Hitler and Ayatollah Khomeni." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Richie and his gang escape just as the cops storm the warehouse. But enough about Richie for now as we cut back to Gino searching Bobby's desk. And by searching, he breaks into his desk by using a switchblade and he sees that Bobby is not the boy scout that he is when he finds a bag of cocaine, some money and pictures of him with a lady of the night. And this woman has a connection to Richie and the reason why Bobby was killed. But anyway, back to being an asshole when Mr. Madano shows up and Gino talks to him.
Gino Felino: This is difficult for me to say. I'm sorry for the way I behaved in your home. And I know this was disrespectful, but you've always been like a father to me. If you tell me that you haven't seen Richie, I believe you. We got a lot of problems here.
Mr. Madano: Gino, I, uh… I know that it's- - no man wants to bury his son. I know no man wants to admit that his son has become something that the world can do without, but I'm very afraid… every moment… for everyone around us. I pray for this to end.
Gino Felino: I know what you're trying to say. (Speaks in Italian)
"I have no comment and I can't make fun of this scene. This is one scene that feels perfect." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, we don't see Gino acting like an asshole towards Richie's father, he shows some respect for him and I feel some sympathy for Richie's father. He hates the way his son has been acting and it just breaks his heart. Very good, movie. Very good. But back to the investigation as Gino shows Patti the photos of Bobby and the woman and he asks her if she knows her. And when she recognizes the woman, she can't help because she fears that Richie will go after her next.
Gino Felino: Now, come on, Patti. He's your own brother.
Patti Madano: He's a vacuum, Gino. He sucked up 3 to 4 grams a pass and that much crack doesn't promote rational thought.
Gino Felino: You know, it's gonna get worse and than I've been telling you. And I got your father down here tonight, he's under arrest.
Patti Madano: It won't work, Gino! God! Why don't you understand this? We can't help you. If he even thinks we did, he'll kill Pop too.
Gino Felino: He's that far gone?
Patti Madano: Believe it, Gino. Anybody.
"He'll probably go after your family next, Gino. And that little dog too." Sean said, imitating Patti.
Sean: (Narrating) Hearing how crazy and far out of this world Richie is, Gino tells Patti that he's going to keep her in the precinct to keep her safe. Meanwhile, Richie's night of terror continues, when Richie listens in on the police scanner about Gino. Also…
Gino Felino: (Picks up the puppy) I almost forgot about you.
"Oh, yeah. I forgot that the puppy was in this movie. Dude, how long did you have the puppy in the car? The puppy probably peed in the backseat and was probably starving." Sean said.
Gino Felino: I got to get you a nice hot bath, some food. Maybe a girlfriend or something. Eh?
Sean: (V/O as Puppy) Maybe some food. Puppy's hungry.
Sean: (Narrating) Gino meets with Vicky and he brings the puppy with him and she invites him upstairs and he tells her a story.
Gino Felino: There was this old man who used to come to the neighborhood when we were kids. He was from the old country, you know. He carried an old school bell. He pulled along this little sharpening machine operated by a foot peddle, right. And, uh. The neighbors used to come out to get their knives and scissors sharpened. A dime here, a quarter there. But it was an honest living, right. Time goes on… people start buying… disposable scissors and knives. Fewer and fewer people come out. I always used to think to myself… how it would feel to leave… before light… and come back after dark… with nothing to show your wife and your family for what you've done. That bell was the loneliest sound I ever heard.
Vicky Felino: He was your father, wasn't he?
"Way to kill the mood, Seagal. A woman invites you over for some hot coffee, and then you start telling the story about your father." Sean said.
Gino Felino: I remember one time I followed the old man for a whole summer… every day…
Sean: (V/O mimicking Vicky) Ah, look, I just invited you upstairs for an espresso and sex. Can you give me the Vitamin D already?
Gino Felino: …day in, day out.
Sean: (V/O mimicking Vicky) I'm extremely horny.
Gino Felino: And after a while, it started to grind him down.
Sean: (V/O mimicking Vicky) I'm not getting aroused by this story.
Gino Felino: Nobody, nobody needs him, you know?
Sean: (V/O mimicking Vicky) I'll just go play with my vibrator then.
Vicky Felino: Gino, these may be your streets and your neighborhood… but there are other police officers. I'm really proud of what you do. And I know how everybody loves you. But Tony needs a father… …and I need a husband.
Gino Felino: What are we talking, reconciliation over here?
Vicky Felino: No, we're talking a lifetime deal. All or nothing.
Gino Felino: I could do that. That I could do.
(Vicky smiles at Gino. The two kiss)
Sean: (Narrating) Well, so much for the divorce. One minute, she hates his guts, then after hearing the story about his father, she wants him back.
"I guess you could say once you go Seagal, you won't go back." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But their little reconciliation is ruined when Richie's boys show up to try to kill Gino and his family, and they picked the wrong place to come to and the wrong guy to mess with and a reason for Gino to raise the body count.
(Two men kick open the door, Gino shoots one guy in the throat and the other guy in the head. Gino moves around the apartment and spots another guy entering the apartment and he guns him down)
"And yet, these guys fail miserably trying to kill him. Even Tony Soprano is laughing at your failure." Sean said.
(The scene plays out as we see Gino killing Richie's men, intercutting with Tony Soprano from The Sopranos laughing to himself, as if Tony is laughing at them)
Joey Dogs: Come on, you rat bastard!
(Joey shoots at Gino until he runs out of bullets. Gino confronts Joey while he tries to reload)
Gino Felino: Drop it!
Joey Dogs: (Raises his hands up) You going to shoot an unarmed man, Gino?
Gino Felino: Nah. I wouldn't. (Puts his gun away) You know what I'm going to do?
(Gino grabs Joey)
Joey Dogs: You motherfucker!
(Gino pushes Joey out the window and over the railing of a third-story fire escape, causing Joey to fall to his death and we see him hit the ground)
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)
Marge Simpson (Voiced by Julie Kavner): That's what I call breakneck speed. (Laughs)
Bart Simpson (Voiced by Nancy Cartwright): Mom, a man just died.
Sean: (Narrating) After Richie's men fail miserably at killing Gino, we check back in with the mob as they pay Vinnie a little visit again. And like he said before, he hasn't seen him. So, they have Rusty teach him some English.
Rusty: (Grabs Vinnie) You fucking bum. You want to give me the right answer? Where's your fucking brother? You're a cocksucker! (Grabs him by his nose) I'll break your fucking head! Where's your brother? You're both fucking dead, you fucking bums! The two of you! You tell him when you see him! Say Rusty told you you're dead! You're dead! The two of yous!
Sean breaks down in laughter. "Okay, this guy deserves an Oscar for his performance alone. That scene is worth watching. Also, I have that funny image of Rusty being an English teacher and threatening one of his students by grabbing them by their nose."
Sean: (Narrating) Gino stops off at Patti's club to speak with the waitress from earlier who tells him about Roxanne. Turns out that Roxanne is Richie's girlfriend. And when he showed her the pictures, she immediately identified her. Gino gets Roxanne's address and they head down to her apartment. And then, we switch back to Richie, as he arrives at the bar to visit his brother and he's not happy about what happened and he roughs him up a bit. And then, the mob shows up yet again and Richie has a little surprise for them.
Tattoos: Hey, good evening, fellas. Nice to see you again.
Sal: Nevermind the bullshit. Where the fuck is he?
Richie Madano: (Points his gun at Sal) Over here, Sal.
(Richie, Tattoos and Bobby gun down the mob hitmen. Richie walks over to Sal and finishes him off with one shot)
Richie Madano: You lose.
(Throws his gun down on Sal's corpse before leaving)
"And the mob has failed miserably at trying to kill Richie. YOU GUYS ARE WORTHLESS!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Gino arrives at Roxanne's apartment, only to find that she's been murdered. And then it's back to the mob when Frankie learns that Richie has whacked some of his guys and his reign of terror must end tonight. And back to Gino, as he talks to Donziger and shows him the pictures of Bobby and Roxanne that he found in his desk. Not only Bobby was having sex with Roxanne, he was having sex with the waitress from the club.
Captain Ronnie Donziger: I'm getting too old for this shit, Gino.
"Dude, don't be stealing Murtaugh's catchphrase." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gino drops by Bobby's place to speak with Laurie and he rifles through her purse to find the same photos of Bobby and Roxanne. Turns out she found a picture of Bobby and Roxanne and she gave the photo to Richie out of jealousy, and she took the picture to protect her husband's good cop image.
Gino Felino: Bobby was dirty, wasn't he? Or maybe… he just happened to be doin' Richie's girlfriend all at the same time. I don't think so. I think that Bobby always want to be like somebody else. He liked Richie's lifestyle, he liked his money and he liked his women and you knew he was dirty. Bobby's gone now. So are a lot of other people.
Laurie Lupo: I didn't want to kill him. I just wanted to save my marriage, Gino.
Gino Felino: Come here, Laurie.
(Gino holds Laurie in his arms)
Laurie Lupo: (Crying) I want my Bobby back. I want him back.
"Dude, shed a fucking tear! Emote!" Sean yelled out. "Also, you didn't kill him. You had every right because your husband is a cheating piece of shit. It's not like you caused him to have affairs and do drugs."
Sean: (Narrating) Gino gets a call from the neighborhood kid after he sees Richie and he leaves. No reason for the kid to part of the action-packed climax of a Seagal movie. Gino enters the random hooker's home, only to find out that there's a party going on and he just walks up to the goons, leading to this happening to him.
Gino Felino: (Points his shotgun at Richie's men) Hands on the fucking table!
Goon #1: Jesus! Hey, what the fuck's going on?
(One of the gang members fires his Ruger Speed Six revolver from underneath the table, hitting Gino)
"Jesus Christ! Somebody managed to shoot Seagal. Holy cow, I did not expect this to happen. Wait a minute, why does this even matter? It's just a flesh wound." Sean said.
(Gino manage to kill some of Richie's men, including Buchi, with his 12-Gauge shotgun. During the shootout, Gino enters the living room and sees Bobby Arms stepping out of a room while holding a hooker at gunpoint and he sees some of the gang members dead)
Bobby Arms: Holy shit! What the…?
(The hooker breaks free from him, then he sees Gino and gets ready to shoot him, but Gino ends up shooting his lower leg up and we get a very gory shot of his leg falling to the floor. Bobby Arms screams in agony after his leg gets shot off)
Bobby Arms: (Screaming) Oh, no! Oh, you took my fucking leg! Oh! Oh! Oh, you motherfucker!
(A sound clip from The Glimmer Man plays in the background)
Lt. Jack Cole: (V/O) Hobble to a hospital.
(We then see Gino yanking Tattoos into the hallway. A hooker leaves the room and Gino turns around and sees her. Tattoos gets up off of the floor)
Tattoos: Fuck you, cop!
(Gino kicks Tattoos in the stomach. He backs up and hits the back of his head on the brick wall, killing him and we hear him make a death gurgle)
"Did you hear that sound? That was the sound of that dude's soul leaving his body after Seagal kicked him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gino and Richie waste their bullets and Richie steps out of the bathroom to go one-on-one with Gino, leading to the bloodiest and brutal climax in a Seagal movie ever. The fight consists on Gino throwing Bobby around and beating the everloving shit out of the guy and using every weapon on him and damaging the kitchen.
(A beaten and bloody Richie looks at Gino and laughs while he reaches for a corkscrew)
Richie Madano: (After grabbing the corkscrew) I'll kill you. (Laughs)
(Richie gets up and charges at Gino with the corkscrew. Gino dodges the attack and grabs Richie by his head and jams the corkscrew into his forehead, killing him)
Gino Felino: That's for Bobby.
"Gino, why would you avenge Bobby? Bobby was an asshole! Plus, Richie was going for suicide by a cop, so you gave him what he wanted. Nice job at messing that up." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Frankie and his boys show up, and they're tardy to the party, and Gino grabs Frankie's gun and shoots Richie with it to make it look like Frankie did it. Yeah, that's a bit overkill. Therefore, happy ending! Richie is dead! And Bobby's dead too! And we end the movie with Gino spending some quality time with his wife and puppy. That is, until some random asshole bumps into them, and Gino sees the guy's car and recognizes his bumper sticker. Turns out, it's the guy that threw the puppy out of his car, and Gino confronts him, the Brooklyn way.
Gino Felino: Yo, fucknuts!
"That's how I'm gonna do my greetings with everyone of my friends." Sean said.
Station Wagon Tough Guy (Played by Sonny Zito): You talking to me?
Gino Felino: Yeah, you know, you wouldn't happen to be the guy who threw a puppy out of the window of this car the other day?
Station Wagon Tough Guy: Hey, what's your fucking business, anyway?
Gino Felino: Of course, I'm an animal lover, you know.
Station Wagon Tough Guy: Animal lover?
Gino Felino: Yeah.
Station Wagon Tough Guy: (Points at Gino) Look, asshole. You don't mind your fucking business, I'll stuff you in a fucking plastic bag and throw you out a fucking window. How's that?
Gino Felino: You're a tough guy, huh?
Station Wagon Tough Guy: Tough guy? Yeah, I'll show you how fucking tough I am.
(The man takes a swing at Gino. Gino grabs the man and kicks him hard in the nuts. The man gets on the ground and groans in pain)
Station Wagon Tough Guy: My balls! My balls! My balls!
"That is one of the most violent nutshots in movie history. And seeing that, I immediately felt the impact." Sean said.
(The puppy pees on the man and Vicky laughs)
Gino Felino: Oh, Vick, look over here! Is that a police dog, or what?
(The puppy follows Gino and Vicky)
"And that was Out for Justice, it's not perfect but it's an okay film." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The whole movie is nothing but filler. It constantly switching back and forth between Gino, the mob and Richie and the pacing is bad and it leads for no time for character development. Hell, they end up killing the partner in the second scene and he had five lines. You have Gino speaking to people who contribute nothing to the events, a subplot with a dog that was shoehorned in at the last minute and basically Seagal running around Brookly and acting like an asshole towards people. As for the positives: the music is good, the acting is decent and you get some hard-hitting Seagal action. I wouldn't call it the worst Seagal movie, I find it entertaining to watch and I still have some love for it. Out for Justice comes in at 3 goons hit in the face with a pool ball out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and I'm almost finished with Seagal Month. I'm almost finished with it! And I've got the perfect film to end it on. Tune in next time when we see the man with the ponytail taking on… THE ENVIRONMENT!" Sean exclaimed while suspenseful music plays in the background.
(A clip from Saturday Night Live is shown)
Brace Steele, Greenpeace Photographer (Also played by Steven Seagal): This is what happens when you pollute the planet!
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Anybody seen Richie?
And that was the review of Out for Justice, I hope you all enjoyed the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. So, what did you think of it? And what was your favorite moment in the review? Next time, on The Mayhem Critic, Sean wraps up Seagal Month with On Deadly Ground, Seagal's directorial debut. Yeah, Seagal in the director's chair. Need I say more? After I finish the review of On Deadly Ground, it's another installment of Sean's Story Arc where I review the pilot episode of L.A. Law, and I'm not doing this one alone. My good pal UltimateWarriorFan4Ever is gonna co-review it with me. Hope you all are excited about it. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.