The Mayhem Critic

by James Stryker

He's the critic that rips movies a new one. The critic with a bad attitude and a renegade status with a short fuse.

215. Episode 211: LA Law

The Mayhem Critic

Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, Seagal Month is over, and now it's time for another installment of Sean's Story Arc. Yeah, it's been awhile since we've seen another Sean's Story Arc chapter. Today, Sean is going to talk about the two-part pilot episode of L.A. Law and he's not going to review this one alone. He has his good buddy Lucas a.k.a. UltimateWarriorFan4Ever reviewing this one with him. Does the pilot episode still hold up? Or does is deserve to go to trial for being bad? We'll find out today so sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.

P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. L.A. Law is owned by Steven Bochco Productions and 20th Century Fox Television.

Episode 211

L.A. Law

This review is dedicated to the memories of:

JOHN SPENCER

CONCHATA FERRELL

LARRY DRAKE

RICHARD DYSART

And of course

STEVEN BOCHCO

(The Mayhem Critic intro begins. After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch as he prepares to start his introduction)

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And welcome back to another installment of Sean's Story Arc." Sean said.

(The intro to Sean's Story Arc is shown)

"Let's talk about Steven Bochco." Sean said as a picture of Steven Bochco is shown. Yeah, I'm about to talk about Steven Bochco."

(A montage of pictures of Steven Bochco is shown while the Hill Street Blues theme plays in the background)

Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about the guy? He's one of the greatest writers and producers in television aside from Stephen J. Cannell and Donald P. Bellisario. Throughout the years, he's brought us some iconic and memorable shows that we love. (Pictures of Hill Street Blues, Doogie Howser, M.D., NYPD Blue, Hooperman, Murder One and Cop Rock are shown) Shows like Hill Street Blues, Hooperman, Doogie Howser, M.D., Murder One, NYPD Blue, Cop Rock. Okay, forget Cop Rock. That show sucks balls. (A picture of the show Capitol Critters is shown) Okay, what was Bochco smoking when he came up with that? Also, if you're not familiar with Mr. Bochco, then maybe the logo is familiar to you.

(The Steven Bochco Productions logo is shown featuring the guy playing the violin)

Sean: (Narrating) Yep, that's the guy. This guy was known for creating a primetime show on ABC that features nudity. Even though he did some stinkers, he did do some really good shows. Sadly, Steven Bochco passed away at the age of 74 on April 1st, 2018. You might think this was an April Fools joke, but it's not. We were saddened to hear about the news of his passing and his legacy will go on.

"And what better way to talk about Steven Bochco is by talking about one of his greatest shows ever." Sean said.

(A picture of Cop Rock is shown)

"If you guessed Cop Rock, then you shall be put on trial for your crimes." Sean scowled to the camera.

But then all of a sudden, Sean's good buddy Lucas aka UltimateWarriorFan4Ever appeared out of nowhere and slid over to the couch saying, "What my good broski Sean is talking about of course, begins with this small little intro. Hit that sexy sax!"

(The opening sax solo plays before the back of the car trunk is slammed shut, revealing the L.A. Law logo on the license plate. From there, the familiar L.A. Law theme song plays on the background.)

Sean: (Narrating) Ah, L.A. Law. One of Steven Bochco's finest gems of the '80s. Definitely his first foray into the law drama genre, the show premiered on NBC in September 1986 and established itself as one of its most primetime shows thanks to the gritty realism mixed with a little bit of serious drama and very light-hearted humor that Mr. Bochco was best known for. And dang it, the mixture between comedy and drama Mr. Bochco created knew how make this show entertaining.

Lucas: (Narrating) For those who aren't familiar with this show's premise, here's the story. In the earlier seasons of the show, by that I mean, the BEST seasons that include seasons 1 to 5, the show focused all around a sexy dashing male lawyer named Michael Kuzak as he is enrolled into the law firm known simply as McKenzie, Brackman, Kuzak and Cheney. Kuzak of course is played by Perseus himself, Harry Hamlin.

"And if you wonder how Harry Hamlin got this gig, well just say he showed NBC executives the severed head of Medusa and turned everyone into stone." Sean nodded.

"Okay, we sorta made that up," Lucas shrugged to the camera, "But damn it, that still would've been cool."

Sean: (Narrating) Besides its light-hearted humor and balls-to-the-wall drama was it's appealing cast of characters through the years of the show. And trust me, this is gonna be a long-ass list so be prepared. You had it's leading female and headstrong district attorney Grace Van Owen, played by a post-Partridge Family Susan Dey, the sharp blonde-haired womanizer Arnie Becker played by Corbin Bernsen, then you have Becker's red-headed assistant Roxanne Melman played by Susan Ruttan, the stern bald-headed hardass Douglas Brackman played by Alan Rachins, the perky babyfaced sweetheart Abby Perkins played by Michele Greene, the alluring and dashing latino lawyer Victor Sifuentes played by Jimmy Smits, the short-statured Jewish lawyer Stuart Markowitz played by Michael Tucker, Stuart's lawyer wife and confidant Ann Kelsey played by his real-life wife Jill Eikenberry, the young dark-skinned hotshot Jonathan Rollins played by Blair Underwood, the mentally challenged but lovable messenger Benny Stulwicz played by a pre-Darkman Larry Drake, the tough-as-nails wiseguy Tommy Mullaney played by the late John Spencer and last but not least, the leader of this law firm Leland McKenzie, played by Richard Dysart.

"Whew, you talk about one hell of a cast," Sean nodded out, "Feels like I'm doing a starting lineup at an All-Star Game."

"And did we forget to mention that show gave us one hell of a WTF moment that we had to see to believe?" Lucas shrugged to the camera, "Now I don't usually post spoilers for those who haven't seen the show, but here's a little sample of what that moment would've looked like."

(A clip of the L.A. Law episode "Good To The Last Drop" plays.)

Rosalind Shays (played by Diana Muldaur): I really don't wanna talk about this.

(Rosalind enters through an empty elevator shaft and falls down.)

Rosalind Shays: Aaaah!

(Thudding noises are heard from all the way down the shaft, forcing Leland to look down.)

Leland McKenzie (played by Richard Dysart): Rosalind! Oh… OH MY GOD!

"Yeah, that! And should I feel bad for laughing at her demise?" Sean asked.

"Hell, no," Lucas shook his head. "That bitch totally deserved that Jim Ross moment, by god."

Lucas: (Narrating) As much as we love to talk about all of the episodes in the series, we're only gonna be focusing on the two-part pilot episode that of course, aired the exact year it premiered: 1986. This pilot proved to either be a make-or-break episode of the series. Today, me and Sean are here to make sure if these duo of episodes deserves to be innocent or deserves to be given a death sentence right behind bars without any parole whatsoever.

"Just to let you know, today's episode will feature a lot of that stupid sexy Kuzak," Lucas smirked a bit. "So, ladies if you're watching this, keep your hormones in check as we dive into the law scene that is the pilot episode of L.A. Law."

Sean then shook his head saying, "And no, we will not be showing Harry Hamlin's ass. You'll have to wait seven years before Mr. Bochco will allow bare butts into our screens. Here we go."

(The episode opens with a shot of L.A. traffic)

Sean: (Narrating) We open in Los Angeles. Ah, L.A., where the smog is great, the women are sexy and the traffic is insane. Immediately, we're introduced to lawyer Arnie Becker, played by Corbin Bernsen. How do I know he's a lawyer? The dude has a license plate that says "LITIG8R" on it. Plus, the dude is also a ladies' man. Just watch him checking out this hot babe in the car next to him.

(Arnie smiles at the attractive blonde woman and smiles at her. The attractive woman smiles back at Arnie)

"Oh, yeah. Women love Arnie Becker. This guy is the show's version of Dan Fielding. Come to think of it, I would love to see a fight between Dan Fielding and Arnie Becker." Sean said.

"Book it, Vince." Lucas pointed to the camera.

Lucas: (Narrating) He arrives to the law firm of McKenzie, Brackman, Chaney and Kuzak and he heads to his office while his assistant Roxanne Melman, played by Susan Ruttan, informs him on his schedule until they notice an offending smell in the building.

Arnie Becker (Played by Corbin Bernsen): Great smell. God, I hate these buildings, air conditioning goes down, place smells like the inside of a garbage disposal.

(Roxanne answers the phone)

Roxanne Melman (Played by Susan Ruttan): McKenzie, Brackman, Chaney and Kuzak. Arnold Becker.

Arnie Becker: Roxy, get me that spray stuff.

Roxanne Melman: Uh. One moment, Mrs. Rice. Let me see if he's available.

Arnie Becker: Available, available. 7:30 Tuesday morning available.

(Arnie enters his office and picks up the phone)

Arnie Becker: Margaret, how was the long weekend?

(Roxanne enters Arnie's office while spraying air freshener around)

"Jesus, Roxanne. Go easy on the air freshener. It's not like somebody took a massive shit in the office." Lucas said.

Sean: (Narrating) While Arnie takes a call from one of his lady friends, an angry client barges into his office and threatens him with a gun.

Arnie Becker: Dick, this is not smart.

Dick Hobart (Played by Danny Chambers): No, don't Dick me. Not after that settlement you rammed down my throat.

Arnie Becker: This is a settlement you agreed to.

Dick Hobart: Oh, a settlement I was blackmailed into! Oh, you took away I hold dear, Becker. My house, my kids, my coin collection! I had to sell my boat!

"Holy shit! What did Arnie do to piss this guy off? Did he have sex with his wife?" Sean asked.

"God, this Dick dude feels like Arnie pissed on his Cheerios or something." Lucas shrugged.

Arnie Becker: Dick, don't… don't do this. You're gonna regret it.

Dick Hobart: If I spend 20 years in jail with my pants around my ankles, I will not regret it!

Arnie Becker: Dick!

(Dick fires his gun at Arnie. A shocked look appears on Arnie's face and he sees that he's not hit)

Dick Hobart: Do you wanna call the cops, huh? You know where to find me?

(Dick leaves the office and Roxanne enters)

Roxanne Melman: I'm calling the police.

Arnie Becker: No, don't. (Picks up the gun and sighs) Starter gun.

"What the what? The dude threatened your ass with a starter gun. Man, you were lucky that dude didn't pull out an actual gun on you. If he did, then your time on the show will be a short one. Also, I have to say that's a hell of a way to introduce your character." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) Roxanne figures out where the smell was coming from and she takes him to Mr. Chaney's office, where they see one of the senior partners of the firm Norm Chaney dead in his office and his face was planted in some food. What a hell of a way to die.

Roxanne Melman: I didn't actually touch him. But I'm pretty sure he's dead.

Arnie Becker: If he is, I got dibs on his office.

"Wow, Arnie. A guy drops dead in his office and you call dibs on his office. Way to be sensitive here. A man just died and he's one of the partners of the firm." Lucas said.

(A clip from Marriage Story is shown)

Nicole Barber (Played by Scarlett Johansson): You're such a dick!

Sean: (Narrating) After that opening, we get…

(The opening sax solo plays before the back of the car trunk is slammed shut, revealing the L.A. Law logo on the license plate while the theme song plays)

"One of the best damn theme songs of all time." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about the theme music? It's easily one of the catchiest and iconic themes of all time. And the theme music is composed by one of the musical masters of television.

(The Hallelujah chorus plays as "Music by MIKE POST" appears)

Lucas: (Narrating) That's right, folks. Mike Post, the same guy who brought us some iconic television themes such as Hunter, Magnum P.I., The Rockford Files, Hill Street Blues, Doogie Howser, M.D., The A-Team, NYPD Blue, Murder One, Quantum Leap and of course…

(The intro to Law & Order is shown while the theme music plays in the background)

Lucas: (Narrating) …one of the greatest themes of all time. We could talk about Mr. Post's extensive musical career, but it'll be a long one. So, let's just say that this is one of the greatest themes of all time.

Sean: (Narrating) As the credits roll, we see some of the cast members like Harry Hamlin, Corbin Bernsen, Jill Eikenberry, Alan Rachins… wait, what? We're missing somebody in the credits. Wait a minute, where's Susan Dey? I thought she was part of the cast.

"Well, actually, Grace Van Owen doesn't appear in the pilot episode. She's introduced in the next episode. And if you all are looking for some steamy Kuzak/Van Owen action, you won't get it just yet." Lucas said.

"Or if You want to see some Sifuentes/Van Owen action, just wait until season five." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) And as for other characters like Jonathan Rollins, Benny Stulwicz, Zoey Clemmons, Gwen Taylor, Tommy Mullaney, Daniel Morales, that hot British chick C.J. Lamb, Eli Levinson and Denise Iannello. Don't worry, you'll see them later on in the show.

(Pictures of the rest of the characters are shown)

Sean: (Narrating) After the opening credits and listening to that amazing theme, we see that everyone in the law firm heard about Norm Chaney's death and we're immediately introduced to Leland McKenzie played by Richard Dysart, Douglas Brackman played by Alan Rachins and Ann Kelsey played by Jill Eikenberry.

Ann Kelsey (Played by Jill Eikenberry): What's going on?

Roxanne Melman: (Sips her cup of coffee) Mr. Chaney's dead.

Ann Kelsey: Oh, my God.

Roxanne Melman: I found him. (Smiles a bit, then looks at Ann)

"Okay, is it just me or am I a little creeped out at the fact that Roxanne found a dead body?" Lucas asked. "I mean, look at that little smile that she made. It's like she's happy to be the first one to find him dead."

(The L.A. cops try to carry Mr. Chaney out of his office)

Cop #1: Guy's so stiff you can put him in a museum. Look at this. His feet are like frozen.

Cop #5 Watch it. We're coming out right through here now.

Cop #6: Make way.

Detective: Turn him! Turn him! No, the other way! Come on, watch him. You're gonna lose him! Catch him!

(They bump the chair into the doorway, causing Mr. Chaney's corpse to fall out of the chair)

"And the LAPD are a bunch of fucking idiots for dropping a dead guy." Sean said.

"It's just like that one episode of Hill Street Blues in which the boys at the Hill Street station end up dropping a dead fat guy," Lucas replied. "And it resulted in Renko hurting his d**k."

Lucas: (Narrating) We then switch over to a police station where we are introduced by Victor Sifuentes, played by Jimmy Smits, who's busy arguing with a sergeant who sounds like Dennis Franz.

Victor Sifuentes (played by Jimmy Smits): Sergeant, the little hand is on the nine, and the big hand is on the 12. I gotta be downtown in 30 minutes.

Sergeant: Soon as your client's through with breakfast. Meantime, why don't you let the officer pat you down?

Victor Sifuentes: What's the matter? You guys don't get enough at home?

"I hate to imagine what those strip searches were like in the bedroom." Lucas shook his head.

Sgt. McKlosky (Played by Clarence Felder): I'm getting tired of your mouth, Jose.

Victor Sifuentes: Whoa, you show me some respect. The name's Sifuentes. Victor Sifuentes.

Sgt. McKlosky: I don't care if your frickin' name is Pancho frickin' Villa. You don't see your client without you getting searched. Now assume the frickin' position.

Victor Sifuentes: You lay your hand on me and I'm gonna kick your fat butt.

"If I were the sergeant, I'd take Jimmy Smits seriously." Sean replied.

"He didn't team up with Andy Sipowicz in NYPD Blue for nothing." Lucas pointed out.

Sean (Narrating): So while Victor Sifuentes is kicked out of the station, we then get our first look at…

(Justin's theme from Total Drama Island plays as Michael Kuzak appears. The scene then switches over to the campers where Katie, Sadie, Owen and Noah are staring very lovingly before switching over to Sean and Lucas, who too is also awestruck. A picture of Michael Kuzak is shown before switching over back over to Total Drama Island where Sadie is seen fainting.)

"Oh my goodness, I only hope I'm still straight…" Sean said, staring into space.

Sean (Narrating): Yes, the good-looking stud you see with the suit is Michael Kuzak, who is played by Harry Hamlin. Yeah, that's right, Perseus from Clash of the Titans. Kuzak arrives at the station and he's representing Justin Pregerson. But before he speaks to the young lad, he's gotta talk to the detective in charge, which is Detective Lester Tuttle played by Felton Perry.

Michael Kuzak (Played by Harry Hamlin): What's all the excitement?

Detective Lester Tuttle (Played by Felton Perry): Memo out of Division. We gotta search all attorneys before they go in. Lawyer brought a gun into South Central. His client tried to shoot his way out.

"Which means, if you have your sword and Medusa's head with you, I suggest that you get rid of it immediately We don't need you to turn any of the cops into stone." Lucas said.

Lucas: (Narrating) After speaking with Johnson from RoboCop, Kuzak speaks with Justin Pregerson, played by Tom O'Brien, and he looks like he's trying to pull off the Sonny Crockett look. So, why is this guy in jail and why is Kuzak representing him? Turns out that the spoiled rich kid and his two friends have been accused of raping a woman who's dying from leukemia.

Justin Pregerson (Played by Tom O'Brien): Hey, I hook up with these guys in a bar. We have a couple of drinks, bar closes. We go cruisin'. We stop at one of these all-night places to get a couple of six-packs. She's in there. She follows me out. She says she'd do the three of us for $50. We figure what the hell? So we go around the corner in the alley. It wasn't exactly "Romeo and Juliet." But it wasn't rape either.

"And the dude's gotta have the same name as Justin from Total Drama Island. Only Michael Kuzak could look this handsome as Justin." Sean said.

Michael Kuzak: The victim alleges she begged you to stop. She said she was sick.

Justin Pregerson: Oh, yeah, she was beggin', alright. It wasn't to stop.

Michael Kuzak: But it also says here that she was admitted to Hollywood Presbyterian for severe cuts and bruises to her body.

Justin Pregerson: Hey, look! There's a lot of crazy people out there. Maybe the next guy uses her for a punching bag. So she goes to the cops. She remembers my car. She figures she can work something out. Did you talk to my father yet?

(Kuzak stays silent and looks at Justin)

Justin Pregerson: For $1,000, she'll fold like a deck chair.

"God, I hope he didn't mean for it to sound sexual. Hell, I've seen Mia Malkova getting folded like a deck chair while being pounded by two guys in that Die Hard porn parody from Brazzers." Lucas said.

Sean: (Narrating) But enough about Kuzak defending that spoiled douchebag, we cut to the law firm, where Leland and the others are having a meeting regarding the death of Norman Chaney, and here's what you'll expect in the series, the staff of the law firm taking on cases, some that are serious, while some that are ridiculous. But, now is not the time because of what happened. After Leland leaves to mourn for a bit, Kuzak shows up fashionably late to the meeting.

Michael Kuzak: Yeah. Well, Mr. Kuzak was having such a good time chatting up Justin Pregerson at the Hollywood jail about he and his running mates rapes and beat up a defenseless leukemia victim that he couldn't bear to pull himself away.

Douglas Brackman (Played by Alan Rachins): He confessed?

Michael Kuzak: Oh, sure, full of remorse. You promised me a body. I want it now.

Douglas Brackman: Bring us a list of possible candidates and we'll review it.

"Just get me Jessie Spano from Saved by the Bell and I'll tell her to ice her nipples." Sean said, imitating Douglas Brackman while referencing Showgirls.

Douglas Brackman: Now, as the hour is growing late, let us laser through our summary of pending cases. Status unchanged on the divestiture. Discovery motion on Roner versus Gradinger. Pending trial Merton versus Merton. A new matter, Leon Kroener, a medical corporation versus Celia Robinson.

Abby Perkins (Played by Michele Greene): A doctor is suing our client for a $750 bill.

Douglas Brackman: A collection matter?

Abby Perkins: It's a little more complicated than that. For the last nine months, her insurance company's been giving her the runaround and that's why the bill's not paid.

Douglas Brackman: Miss Perkins, undoubtedly you've seen those ads on television? Lawyers in polyester suits soliciting for clients?

Abby Perkins: Yes, sir.

"Looks like Abby is sporting the same hairstyle as Courtney from Total Drama Island." Lucas said as a picture of Abby and a picture of Courtney are shown back-to-back.

Lucas: (Narrating) Brackman informs the babyfaced sweetie Abby Perkins, played by Michele Greene, that this law firm does not handle $750 collection cases, but Kelsey tells Brackman that this is a referral from Morely Sapperstein and that she asked Abby to help her out with it and Brackman starts to act like a dick.

Douglas Brackman: As your time is usually billed at $135 an hour, Miss Kelsey, how much exactly did you intend to charge this client for whatever heroics you might perform on this $750 matter?

Ann Kelsey: What I intend is to charge her nothing.

Douglas Brackman: Is it your belief then that we are running a welfare state here?

Ann Kelsey: Absolutely not.

We cut back to Sean and Lucas as Sean laughs a bit.

"Okay, was Ann trying to do her impersonation of Mark Wahlberg from The Happening?" Sean asked.

(Cut back to the scene)

Ann Kelsey: Absolutely not.

(Cut to a clip from The Happening)

Elliot Moore (Played by Mark Wahlberg): What? No.

(Back to the review)

Ann Kelsey: It is my belief that this firm is an example of the capitalist system at it's very finest. Management getting fat off the sweat and blood of the workers. Take me, for example. You bill my time at $135 an hour, 1,600 hours a year for a total of $216,000 into the bulging coffers of this firm. Of that amount, I, who generated the income, get $52,800. You're damn straight this is not a welfare state, Douglas. And if I wanna make a couple of phone calls to an insurance company to keep some poor working woman from getting screwed over by the system, then I will do it!

"Yeah! Way to go, Ann. Way to tell like it is to baldy." Lucas said. "Also, one more thing…"

"BALD! BALD! BALD! BALD! BALD! BALD! BALD!" Sean and Lucas shouted as they both point at the camera.

(The scene cuts to Douglas Brackman as the camera zooms in on his bald head)

(A scene switches to The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie)

Fred: MY EYES!

"Damn, it feels good to do that." Lucas smirked.

Lucas (Narrator): We then switch over to Mr. Becker's office, where he's busy handling a divorce case being filed by Mrs. Lydia Graham, being played by Shannon Wilcox. Boy, I wonder how Arnie's gonna have to deal with this?

Lydia Graham (Played by Shannon Wilcox): My husband and I have already worked out all the terms of our settlement.

Roxanne Melman: *hands Lydia a cup of tea* Here's your tea.

Lydia Graham: Thank you. *to Arnie* But Julia wouldn't leave me alone until I agreed to let you look at it.

Arnie Becker: Well, Julia can be very persuasive.

"Boy, I bet that Julia woman must be a very annoying bitch." Sean groaned.

"Yeah, I heard rumors she could probably be like that in the new Total Drama Island reboot," Lucas shrugged to the camera, "I just heard, okay. You can tell because of the way I said, 'she could'. You just may never know that." (PROTECTING SPOILERS, BTW)

Lydia Graham: I just don't want it to get into an ugly, pitched battle with name-calling and incriminations.

Arnie Becker: I respect that feeling entirely.

Lydia Graham: You know, Barry and I may not have wanted to be married to each other, but we're still parents to our children. We're still civilized adults. I won't get down in the dirt and grub over who gets the dishes.

Arnie Becker: I wish all my clients were as reasonable as you are.

"By that, I mean reasonable enough for me to sleep with you. Giggity." Sean smirked.

Arnie Becker: Okay. Now when did you and your husband actually separate? The exact date if you can remember.

Lydia Graham: He moved out of the house on December 21st.

Arnie Becker: And was this at your suggestion?

Lydia Graham: No, not really.

Arnie Becker: Oh, so it was his idea.

Lydia Graham: Well, we discussed it, that we weren't terribly happy.

Arnie Becker: So, four days before Christmas, he really picks his spots, doesn't he? He walks out on you.

Lydia Graham: It wasn't like that.

"So, technically, he left you for Julia. The devious bitch." Lucas said.

Sean: (Narrating) Arnie, being the smooth ladies' man that he is, asks Lydia for lunch on Thursday to discuss more on the Julia matter. Later, Ann is sitting in her office having some Chinese take-out until Abby shows up to see her before she leaves for home.

Abby Perkins: I'm gonna go home now unless you have something pressing.

Ann Kelsey: No. (Looks at her watch) I didn't realize it was so late. Stop being an attorney. Go home. Be a wife, be a mother.

Abby Perkins: You sound like my husband.

Ann Kelsey: Sorry. You're right. It's none of my business.

"Oh, I'm sure that Abby's husband sounds like a really nice guy." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) Abby and Ann talk about Sylvia Robinson and that she came in today with her file and why she went to the doctor in the first place because of her migraines and stuff and Abby sent them a threatening letter to them. But then, we learn that things aren't so jolly in Abby's life.

Ann Kelsey: Look, Abigail. It really isn't any of my business. But if you need to talk… I was married once myself. About 50 years ago.

"Uh, Jill. You married Don Tibbles from D2: The Mighty Ducks. Yeah, 54 years and still goin' strong for you two." Lucas said.

Abby Perkins: It'll be okay. As soon as he gets a job… and quits drinking. And starts… (Sighs) Nevermind.

"Okay, I'm wrong. Abby's husband sounds like a douchebag husband who has trouble finding a job and drinks a lot. Let me guess, does he beat her like Ike beat Tina? I'm just taking a wild guess here." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Michael arrives to represent Justin, who pleads not guilty. And we see another lawyer named Nick Klein, played by Mark La Mura, is representing two of Pregerson's good time buddies. And for some odd reason, one of Pregerson's friends look like a discount Patrick Swayze. Wait a minute, did Patrick Swayze guest star in the pilot episode? Holy crap! That's freakin' sweet!

"Hate to break it to you, broski. But that's not Patrick Swayze." Lucas said.

"Huh? What are you talking about?" Sean asked.

"That's actually his brother Don Swayze, and he's playing the role of William Dollar." Lucas pointed out.

Judge Sidney Schroeder (Played by Bernie Hern): Do you have funds to hire an attorney, Mr. Dollar?

William Dollar (Played by Don Swayze): I'm broke, judge.

"My older brother is more famous than me. Look at the films he's done." Sean said, imitating William Dollar while posters of various Patrick Swayze films like The Outsiders, Red Dawn, Dirty Dancing and Road House are shown.

Lucas: (Narrating) Aside from having Patrick Swayze's brother in the courtroom, we have another lawyer by the name of Ralph Cavanaugh, played by Joey Pants himself Joe Pantoliano.

Judge Sidney Schroeder: Would you be interested in a court appointment on this matter?

Ralph Cavanaugh (Played by Joe Pantoliano): Yes, Your Honor. I think I can squeeze that in.

"Well, what do you know. Looks like Ralph Cifaretto was a lawyer before he joined the mafia." Lucas said.

"And the dude had hair too." Sean said.

Judge Sidney Schroeder: Any motions while Mr. Cavanaugh acquaints himself with this matter?

Nick Klein (Played by Mark La Mura): Yes, Your Honor. At this time, I would ask the defendant Garcia be released on his own recognizance.

Leslie Aaron (Played by Megan Gallagher): Your Honor, I'm sorry. But Mr. Klein is once again insulting the intelligence of this court.

(A clip from Key & Peele is shown)

Inspector Javert (Played by Keegan Michael-Key): (Sings) Now where did this bitch come from?

(Back to the show)

Leslie Aaron: May I point out Mr. Garcia's five previous arrests, two felony priors. And now an extremely aggravated assault rape.

"Hey, I know her! That's Megan Gallagher. She played Officer Tina Russo on Hill Street Blues in its sixth and seventh seasons." Lucas said. "Who else is gonna appear in the episode? I'm hopin' for James B. Sikking."

Sean: (Narrating) Klein and Leslie Aaron, played by Megan Gallagher, do a bit of bickering in the courtroom and we learn some important history on the two of them. Turns out Nick went out with Leslie. In other words, they used to date and now they despise each other. But enough about their personal relationship, the court goes into a 20 minute recess and Kuzak goes to talk to Leslie.

Michael Kuzak: Leslie, who's good in the PD's office?

Leslie Aaron: Legally or sexual?

Michael Kuzak: Legal. I'm looking to take on a body.

Leslie Aaron: How about mine?

"God, I wish Michael Kuzak could take my body." Taylor said as Sean and Lucas both turn to the blonde-haired beauty.

"Your loss, Taylor," Lucas smirked towards Taylor, "He's married to Lisa Rinna."

"Damn it. Boy, is she lucky to be married to him." Taylor said.

Michael Kuzak: Besides, I think I need someone of the defense persuasion.

Leslie Aaron: Someone who could love a guy like Pregerson?

Michael Kuzak: Or at least not lose his lunch.

Leslie Aaron: You're right. Not me. A number one fast charger in the PD's office right now is a guy named Victor Sifuentes.

Michael Kuzak: Sifuentes? You mean, the guy with the earring?

Leslie Aaron: Yeah, real smart.

Michael Kuzak: I don't know. If it's the same guy, I saw him strut his stuff at the Hollywood jail.

"One time, Victor Sifuentes was a big time drug dealer and he got into a shootout with Gregory Hines and Billy Crystal." Sean said as a picture of Jimmy Smits as Julio Gonzalez from the 1986 movie Running Scared is shown.

(The next scene cuts to Sifuentes in court)

Lucas: (Narrating) And speaking of Sifuentes, we see him in court representing a client and Kuzak arrives to see him in action.

Victor Sifuentes: Mr. Hermosillo has been denied his constitutional right to an attorney.

Judge Richard Armand (Played by John Hancock): I thought that you were his attorney, Mr. Sifuentes.

Victor Sifuentes: This is true, Your Honor. But I was denied access to my client by the police department.

Judge Richard Armand: Under what circumstances?

Victor Sifuentes: I went to the Hollywood station to interview my client at such time as Sergeant McKlosky of the LAPD made rude and insulting remarks to me regarding my ethnicity. When I took umbrage at said remarks, the sergeant refused to let me speak to my client. And then went so far as to bodily remove me from the station.

"That's the LAPD in a nutshell for ya. Imagine if some of the cops from Hill Street Blues acted like that." Lucas said.

"Hell, imagine if some of the cops from NYPD Blue acted like that." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) The judge dismisses the case against Sifuentes' client, giving Kuzak an opportunity to chat with him and invites him for lunch to talk about bringing him into the firm.

Victor Sifuentes: Got a job.

Michael Kuzak: We'd still like to have lunch with you.

Victor Sifuentes: You pay?

Michael Kuzak: I'll call your office.

"He'll probably cook for you instead. He has his own cooking show coming out next month." Lucas said, referring to Harry Hamlin's cooking show titled In the Kitchen with Harry Hamlin. "That I would definitely watch."

Lucas: (Narrating) After meeting with Sifuentes, Kuzak meets up with Cavanaugh and Klein for drinks and they talk more about the Pregerson case and to see if there's a case.

Nick Klein: Speaking for myself, I'm disinclined to negotiate. I see no case here. D.A.'s sucking wind.

Michael Kuzak: But unshakeable ID by the world's most sympathetic victim is not sucking wind.

Ralph Cavanaugh: Unless you argue consent, dying woman out for a good time before they plant her in the ground?

Michael Kuzak: It's moments like these that make me proud to be a member of such a noble fraternity.

Ralph Cavanaugh: Aren't we fastidious?

Nick Klein: Can we stop jerking ourselves around here? And go one step at a time? We know she's got cancer. What we don't know is the prognosis. So let's find out. The way I figure, with a little bit of luck and half a dozen continuances, she'll either quit or die before we even have to worry about a trial.

(Kuzak stays silent and looks at Nick)

Nick Klein: Hey, I know it sounds a little cold. But this is not the Red Cross here.

"Damn, way to show some sympathy for a dying woman. Boy, I hope you drop dead, buddy." Sean said.

"Uh, Sean." Lucas said.

"Yeah." Sean replied.

"Bad time for you to say that." Lucas said.

"Yeah. Why's that?" Sean asked.

"Because the actor who played Nick Klein died from lung cancer back in 2017." Lucas said as Sean gives a stunned look.

"Oooh. Uh… my bad. Um. Damn, do I feel like an asshole for that. Let's move on before I become insensitive." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) We then check in on Kelsey, as Abby informs her that Celia Robinson's doctor wants to put her in the hospital for neurological testing but they wouldn't let her in because when she called her insurance company, they said she wasn't covered. And when Abby called the insurance company, they put her on hold. This ticks Ann off and they head down to the insurance company to speak with Lester Mestman, played by Patrick Cronin.

Ann Kelsey: At this moment, my client, Celia Robinson, is at St. Anthony's Hospital trying to check in for a cat scan. Only they won't let her because your insurance company is still refusing to admit that she's got coverage. So don't talk to me about appointments.

Lester Mestman (Played by Patrick Cronin): My dear miss…

Ann Kelsey: I am not your dear miss anything. And you had better be praying that she doesn't have a brain tumor. Because if she does, and if this tumor was exacerbated by the systematic bad faith of your company, then you'd better be prepared to write a check with a lot of zeroes behind it.

"Yeah, dude. You shouldn't mess with Ann Kelsey. God, I love her! Also, is it just me or does Abby look adorable? I swear in seasons 1 through 5, she gets more adorable."

"I know," Lucas nodded with such a smile, "She's kinda like a cute fluffy little cat you wanna keep in your pocket."

(A clip of The Simpsons plays featuring Homer Simpson)

Homer Simpson: The strong must protect the sweet.

Lucas: (Narrating) We then cut to Pregerson's trial as Kuzak shows up fashionably late. Hopefully, this dashing lawyer has a pretty good excuse to why he is late.

Michael Kuzak: (Holds a piece of paper) Approach the bench, Your Honor?

Judge Alice Ratakowski (Played by Juanin Clay): That better be a note from your mother.

(Everyone in the courtroom chuckle as Kuzak approaches the bench)

Michael Kuzak: It's a citation, Your Honor. I was doing 25, tops 40, when this cop who doesn't even shave yet pulls me over for an unsafe lane change. I explained to him that I'm late for court. And I further explained that I…

Judge Alice Ratakowski: Let me take a look at that.

Michael Kuzak: Well, that's alright, Your Honor. I wouldn't presume to ask this court for any favors.

Judge Alice Ratakowski: And this court wouldn't presume to offer any.

Michael Kuzak: Truthfully, Your Honor, I think that we've already consumed enough of the court's time with my personal concerns.

"Besides, it's not like it's gonna come back and bite him on the ass later on." Sean said.

Judge Alice Ratakowski: For the record, Mr. Kuzak has just handed me a white piece of paper which appears to be in fact neither a laundry list nor even his pocket copy of the Code of Ethics. But rather a legitimate LAPD traffic citation. People may proceed.

"And while we're at it, I'm sure that Mr. Kuzak didn't even finish his homework. Lady, what do you think this is grade school?" Lucas asked.

Sean: (Narrating) We then see the victim, Adrianne Moore played by Alfre Woodard, is called to the stand to give out her testimony in court and when Cavanaugh starts to question her.

Ralph Cavanaugh: Were you smoking dope?

D.A. Malcolm Gold (Played by Jerry Hardin): Objection! Irrelevant.

Ralph Cavanaugh: Your Honor, this would be directly relevant as to the issue of consent.

Judge Alice Ratakowski: Overruled.

Ralph Cavanaugh: Had you been smoking a green leafy substance commonly referred to as marijuana that evening?

Adrianne Moore (Played by Alfre Woodard): Yes, a little. You see, the chemotherapy makes me nauseated. And the marijuana helps…

"You know that's true. Remember the final season of Murphy Brown where Murphy was battling breast cancer? Jim Dial had to buy marijuana for her because she was dealing with the effects from chemo. Hell, they were both smoking weed in that episode." Sean said.

Ralph Cavanaugh: Now you were alone when this alleged incident occurred?

Adrianne Moore: Yes.

Ralph Cavanaugh: And had you been alone all evening?

Adrianne Moore: Yes, I was home watching TV.

Ralph Cavanaugh: Alone all night smoking dope by yourself and watching TV.

D.A. Malcolm Gold: Objection!

"Yeah, that's the most pathetic sounding "objection" I've heard in my life. Let a pro handle this." Lucas said.

(The word "OBJECTION!" appears on the screen in big red letters a la Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney)

Phoenix Wright: OBJECTION!

"Better. Much better." Lucas said with a satisfied look on his face.

Lucas: (Narrating) But then Cavanaugh goes a little too far in questioning Adrianne and he starts acting like a colossal dick towards her.

Ralph Cavanaugh: Well, I would imagine that there must be a– a great many things you've always wanted to do but might not get a chance to do now.

Adrianne Moore: I suppose.

Ralph Cavanaugh: And I know that, if it were me, I would try to cram all of these things into the short time I had left. Even if these thing weren't the kind of things I might have done before.

Adrianne Moore: I don't understand.

Ralph Cavanaugh: Well, like recreational drugs, marijuana–

Adrianne Moore: I told you that was for the side effects of the chemotherapy.

Ralph Cavanaugh: Right. You pull up to a convenience store a little high on weed, you see three good-looking young men in a hot car.

Adrianne Moore: You got to be kidding!

Ralph Cavanaugh: Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Miss Moore.

Adrianne Moore: What does that mean?

Ralph Cavanaugh: A literary illusion that suggests that, if you only had six months to live, you might as well have a good time before you go.

Adrianne Moore: This is sick!

Ralph Cavanaugh: Isn't it true that you solicited my client to have sex with you?

Adrianne Moore: No!

Ralph Cavanaugh: Isn't it true that, when my client expressed some initial reluctance, you went up to him and pressed against him and fondled him?

Adrianne Moore: NO! Your Honor, please!

Ralph Cavanaugh: That you said, and I quote, "I've never taken on three guys. I want you to do it to me and I want you to do it rough"?

We cut back to Sean and Lucas as they both look at the camera with a shocked look on their faces. Sean grabs himself a bottle of Budweiser and took a sip before he began to talk.

"Uhhh, yeah. Dude, I would rather watch Blake Blossom take on three guys. No, scratch that! As hot as it sounds to see that happening to Blake Blossom in either a Brazzers or a Blacked video, that is one line that would be taken out of context. Hell, I'm sure that there are a couple of lines from L.A. Law that would be taken out of context." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Also, I would just like to take some time to mention Alfre Woodard's acting in this episode. It's just phenomenal. And this is one of her earlier roles too. L.A. Law knows how to bring in then-unknown actors and actresses in guest starring roles before they made it big in successful movies and TV shows.

Adrianne Moore: I want to know who is on trial here!

Judge Alice Ratakowski: Any further outbursts, Miss Moore, and I'll hold you in contempt.

Adrianne Moore: And the feeling is mutual!

Judge Alice Ratakowski: Sit down.

Ralph Cavanaugh: Your Honor, under the circumstances, I ask we move for continuance until such time–

Adrianne Moore: Until such time as what? I die?

Judge Alice Ratakowski: I'm warning you, Miss Moore. Is that the tactic? Accuse me? Wear me down? Move continuances until, until I quit or die?

Judge Alice Ratakowski: I warn you…

Adrianne Moore: I warn you!

"Shut up, lady! Let Carolyn Carmichael from Crooklyn finish talking." Lucas said.

Adrianne Moore: If I can't get justice here, I'll get a gun and I'll do it myself.

"Yeah, I believe there's a movie involving a woman shooting men with a gun. I think it's called Ms .45." Sean said as the poster for the 1981 film Ms .45 is shown in the top right corner. "Yep. That's the one."

Lucas: (Narrating) Adrianne is escorted to a jail cell after threatening Pregerson and Judge Ratakowski, played by the late Juanin Clay, talks to Kuzak in her chambers regarding an important matter to discuss.

Judge Alice Ratakowski: Mr. Kuzak, are you aware of the fact that you have a substantial number of outstanding warrants?

Michael Kuzak: Well, my recollection, Your Honor, is we're talking a couple of parking tickets at most.

Judge Alice Ratakowski: We're talking $4200 worth of citations over a two-year period.

Michael Kuzak: Forty-two hundred?!

"Damn! $4200? Better work that Kuzak charm on the judge, buddy." Lucas said.

Judge Alice Ratakowski: Mr. Kuzak, you bring fresh meaning to the word scofflaw. (Opens the door) Bailiff, take Mr. Kuzak into custody.

Michael Kuzak: Your Honor, hold on a minute. It's…

Judge Alice Ratakowski: Forty-two hundred dollars, counselor. Put up or shut up.

Michael Kuzak: Who's got $4200?

Judge Alice Ratakowski: Well, you've got a phone call. I suggest you use it to find out.

Michael Kuzak: Well, Your Honor, with all due respect, don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit?

Judge Alice Ratakowski: Take him into custody, bailiff.

(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)

(Homer and Marge leave the courtroom while wearing a shackle)

Marge Simpson (Voiced by Julie Kavner): She's such a butthole!

Sean: (Narrating) Kuzak gets taken into custody for a couple of lousy tickets, and while he's sitting in his cell, he recognizes Adrianne sitting alone in her cell next to his. But hey, at least he's not a jerk towards her.

Michael Kuzak: Look, I don't suppose you care, but… I'm deeply sorry about what happened in court.

Adrianne Moore: That's very big of you. I could tell you were morally outraged.

"Oh, come on, lady. At least you could say this to him." Sean said.

Michael Kuzak: I'm deeply sorry about what happened in court.

(A sound clip from Star Trek: First Contact plays)

Adrianne Moore: (Her lines replaced by Lily Sloane's lines) Bullshit!

Michael Kuzak: Well, what I may have been doesn't change the fact that my client's still got a right to the best legal representation he can obtain.

Adrianne Moore: What about my rights? I was raped and beaten and thrown into a dumpster. But for all that, I was the one accused up there. Not that piece of garbage you're representing.

Michael Kuzak: I represent the system as well as the client, Miss Moore. I may not always believe in the client. But I have to believe in the system.

Adrianne Moore: What about me? What am I supposed to believe in?

"Well, in the words of Public Enemy, don't believe the hype." Lucas said.

Lucas: (Narrating) Adrianne is released from her cell and she goes upstairs to apologize to the judge and to withdraw her complaint.

Michael Kuzak: For whatever it's worth, and it's a purely personal observation… if you were to go out and get a gun and blow them away… I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

Adrianne Moore: That's the difference between us, Mr. Kuzak. I would.

"Besides you would just whip out Medusa's head and turn them into stone just like you did with the Kraken." Sean said.

(We cut to part two)

Sean: (Narrating) We then open with part two of the pilot episode as we see Arnie is meeting with a female private investigator named Angela Sipriano, played by Cec Verrell, who you'll probably recognize her as Sam Malone's dancer girlfriend from Cheers, or as the evil Iris from the three-part Hunter episode "City Under Siege". Anyway, she is giving Arnie some information on Lydia's ex-husband Barry and the woman that he's seeing and some pretty juicy stuff that he was doing with her.

Angela Sipriano (Played by Cec Verrell): (Gives Arnie a photo) Here's another. They're doing some serious necking in the hot tub. And the piece de resistance. Barry and his honey poolside on the chaise lounge engaged in the sex act usually described by a two-digit number.

(Arnie looks at the photo of Barry and Valerie)

Arnie Becker: Barry, you total degenerate.

"Yeah, I think we all know what number Sean and I are thinking right now." Lucas naughtily smirked at the camera.

(A clip from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure is shown)

Bill and Ted (Played by Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves): 69 dudes!

(Back to the show)

Arnie Becker: Well… this is going to be a lunch that Mrs. Graham will not soon forget.

Angela Sipriano: (Smiles at Arnie) I swear I don't understand you, Arnie. You take this poor woman to some smitzy restaurant. You slap these on the table. She goes into the ladies room and ralphs up fifty bucks worth of lunch all over the velvet wallpaper.

"Oh, come on. I'm sure she won't get sick from seeing photos of her husband 69'ing some hot chick out in the open so people can watch. I would rather do that in the bedroom with Taylor." Sean said.

Angela Sipriano: (Scoffs) Lawyers.

Arnie Becker: Hey, it's a jungle out there.

(We then cut to the L.A. Law intro as the words "Skip Intro" is shown on the screen)

Immediately, Sean and Lucas both pulled out their guns and pointed them at the camera.

"Don't you fuckin' dare skip the intro. You're gonna sit here and listen to the theme." Lucas said.

"Yeah. Besides, the saxophone riff kicks ass." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) So after you're finished sitting through the best part of the show, we cut to Arnie having lunch with Lydia Graham and he works his Becker Charm on her.

Lydia Graham: I'm nearly forty. I have two children, a failed marriage. And I can't wear a bikini.

Arnie Becker: I think you'd look great in or out of a bikini.

Lydia Graham: (Chuckles) Buttering up the client?

Arnie Becker: Divorce is a growth industry, Lydia. I don't need the business.

"Besides, I'm just gonna sleep with you because you're a very attractive woman." Lucas said, imitating Arnie.

Sean: (Narrating) Lydia tells Arnie that she decided to accept the settlement as is because she's seen too many divorces get ugly. And Arnie tells her that he's putting the investigation on Barry on hold and the photos of him and his female companion on file, but Lydia is curious to look at the photos and she does.

(Lydia looks at the photos of her ex-husband Barry and the other woman)

Sean: (V/O as Lydia) Oh, my God. We've never 69'ed outdoors before. How could he do this to me?

Lydia Graham: Excuse me. I uh, have to go powder my nose.

(Arnie gets up to go follow Lydia, but sits down as the waiter approaches his table)

Arnie Becker: What have you got for dessert?

"Damn. Arnie is thinking of dessert at a time like this. I'm sure that the chocolate mousse is perfect for a woman who just looked at photos of her ex-husband and another woman doing the 69." Lucas said.

Lucas: (Narrating) Afterwards, we then cut to Norman Chaney's funeral as Leland says a few words about his beloved colleague, and then it was Stuart's turn to talk about Norman.

Stuart Markowitz (Played by Michael Tucker): What can I say about Norman Chaney? Norman Chaney knew everything there was to know about tax law. Shelters? Call Norman. Foreign tax treaties? Call Norman. Ad valorem? Call Norman. During the- - sweeping 1982 revisions… one man stood as a beacon in the deep fog of tax code confusion. That man was my friend and mentor, a giant in the minefield of tax law and its ever-changing fiscal implications.

"That's nice, Stuart. But can you not talk about taxes and talk about Mr. Chaney, please? I'm getting bored out of my mind here. Plus, I'm missing a new episode of Dynasty." Sean said.

Lisa Weston (Played by Sarah Abrell): (To Arnie) I got a first draft of that memo you asked me for. The implications of Chapter 11 in the divisions of community assets.

Arnie Becker: Oh, good.

Lisa Weston: I can give it to you tomorrow, or we could go over it tonight.

Arnie Becker: It's up to you.

Lisa Weston: Well, I'm sort of anxious for your opinion.

Arnie Becker: Tonight then.

(Lisa smiles a bit)

Lisa Weston: I've got to warn you. It's kind of rough. You may not be able to read my scribbles.

Arnie Becker: You can give it to me orally if you wish.

"And by orally, he means that you give him a blow…" Lucas said until he gets cut off.

(A clip from the movie Bronson is shown)

Charles Bronson (Played by Tom Hardy): SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!

"Hey, don't you interrupt me when I'm about to…" Lucas said before Bronson cuts him off again.

Charles Bronson: SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU *beep*!

"But…" Lucas said.

Charles Bronson: SHUT IT!

"Fine. Why is it that Tom Hardy shuts me up right when I'm about to say something dirty when you're not the one saying it?" Lucas asked.

"Hey. Just be glad that he didn't turn into Venom on your ass." Sean said. "Besides, you could've had Professor Snape telling you to shut up."

Stuart Markowitz: I, for one, will miss this man. And I would like to say un conclusion that… if I had but one word with which to characterize Norman Chaney, that word would be… fiduciary.

(A woman makes a gasping sound)

"I'm sorry, but did that lady just have an orgasm from hearing the word "fiduciary"?" Sean asked.

(We hear the sound of the woman gasping once more)

"I'm guessing hearing Markowitz talking tax lingo turns her on." Lucas said.

Sean: (Narrating) After Stuart is finished talking about Norman, Douglas' secretary Georgia Buckner steps up to the podium to say a few words about Norman and a little secret about Mr. Chaney.

Georgia Buckner (Played by Robert Knepper): (Sniffles) Norman Chaney… was the best friend… I ever had. (Voice breaking) I loved him dearly. I met Norman in a gay bar.

(The music stops as everyone looks shocked)

Georgia Buckner: My name is not Georgia Buckner. It's George.

(A woman gasps in shock while Leland looks stunned)

"Oh, did we forget to mention to you that George, I mean "Georgia" was played by a man? Yep, you heard it here. Actor Robert Knepper plays Georgia Buckner." Sean said as a picture of actor Robert Knepper is shown.

Lucas: (Narrating) So yeah, Georgia is transsexual and her and Norman were lovers and he supported her. Yeah, Norman is gay and Douglas is shocked that he hired her as his secretary.

"And just A quick sidenote: I just love that one lawyer's reaction after he found out that "Georgia" is transsexual right when he was checking her out. He went from this…" Lucas said.

Bruce Pollack (Played by Tony Soper): (Whispering after checking out "Georgia") The Caribbean, miles of deserted white sand beach, her and me alone… completely nude.

"To this…" Lucas said.

Michael Kuzak: (To Bruce) You and George… completely alone… nude.

"Jeez! And I thought that Danny Bonaduce was into that kind of thing." Sean said. "Aside from him beating up one."

Georgia Buckner: Most of you didn't know him at all. He was- -(sniffles) …a deeply complicated man. Never really comfortable with his sexual orientation. I think that his support of me in my struggle was his way of reckoning with his own ambivalence. I'll miss you, Norman. (Sniffles) Your wisdom. Your guidance. Your love and support. You gave me the courage to heal myself.

"Hey, what are you guys watching?" Oliver asked as he entered the living room while drinking a can of Mello Yello.

"L.A. Law." Sean replied.

"And it's the pilot episode." Lucas said.

"Oh, nice." Oliver said before he noticed "Georgia". "Well, hellooooo, nurse! Who's the hot chick? Damn, she's got a nice ass."

"Should I tell him?" Lucas asked.

"Go right ahead." Sean said.

"Tell me what?" Oliver asked.

"Let's have a chat." Lucas said as he gets up from off of the couch and walked out of the living room with Oliver, leaving Sean alone as the young critic began to mouth the numbers "3… 2… 1…", then points up, signaling what's going to happen now.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Oliver released a scream, a la Scott the Woz.

A satisfied smile appeared on Sean's face as Lucas returns to the living room and sat back down on the couch.

"I guess he took that pretty well." Sean said.

"Oh, yeah." Lucas smirked. "Let's just say that he's going to act like Ace Ventura when he found out that Einhorn was a man."

"I would've went with him acting like Stephen Rea from The Crying Game, but that'll do." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) So after that eventful funeral, it's back to business at the law firm, and with Kuzak working on the Pregerson case, McKenzie's secretary informs him that he will be lunching with a potential new associate.

Andrew Taylor (Played by Mario Van Peebles): Uh, if I may ask, who is it?

Leland McKenzie: He's with the PD's office… Victor Sifuentes.

Andrew Taylor: A Chicano?

Leland McKenzie: I believe so.

"Oh, great. You're getting the guy who played Senator Bail Organa in the Star Wars prequels. What's next? You're gonna replace me with someone else who's gonna be better than me?" Sean asked, imitating Andrew.

(We then cut to a picture of Jonathan Rollins)

"Oh, screw this noise, man! I'm going to direct and star in New Jack City." Sean said, imitating Andrew once more.

"Don't worry, folks. He only appears in four episodes. And then he's banished to the realm of Jaws: The Revenge." Lucas said.

Arnie Becker: Okay, Kuzak's getting his body. I want Cheney's office.

Douglas Brackman: Ah, not until we make a decision about hiring a tax specialist.

"Just give him the office already, Baldy! Arnie should be the one sitting in that office while you're busy telling Jessie Spano that you're erect." Sean said.

Douglas Brackman: How dare you!

Lucas: (Narrating) And speaking of Brackman being a complete jerkass, he fired his secretary because he doesn't want her, I mean, him, I mean, her, sitting outside his office representing him.

Arnie Becker: Homophobic, Douglas?

Leland McKenzie: Knock it off, Arnold. I mean it.

(Arnie raises his hands, signaling that he'll stop)

"Okay, I would love to see a wrestling match between Arnie Becker and Douglas Brackman." Lucas said.

"My money's on Arnie. I'm sure that he'll kick Baldy's ass." Sean said.

Leland McKenzie: Now, let's start with the Lewis tax audit. Stuart?

Stuart Markowitz: (Clears his throat) Ah, yes, I'm- - I'm fully prepared.

"Yeah, you are. Prepared to talk about fiduciary to the guy." Lucas said.

Sean: (Narrating) While Brackman goes down the list, he asks Kelsey about her progress on the little pro bono case involving the insurance company. She informs him that the insurance company is gonna pay alright and it's gonna cost a lot more than $750 because the poor woman's got a brain tumor.

Douglas Brackman: Can you prove a causal connection with the insurance company's bad faith?

Ann Kelsey: I believe so.

Douglas Brackman: Is there a possibility… that she could die?

(Ann gives Douglas a look)

Douglas Brackman: Just in case… why don't you and Markowitz start working on the actuarials? Cover all the contingencies. Even if she doesn't die… we could still be looking at a six-figure fee.

Ann Kelsey: (Slams table) In deference to the fact that you are a partner in this firm, I'm going to leave before I say something that I might regret later.

"Don't worry, Kelsey. I know just the right person who would say those words for you." Sean said.

(Cut to the Nostalgia Critic's The Nerd Wizard Rant)

Nostalgia Critic: ...You... dirty... stuck-up... sadistic... shit-eating, cocksucking, buttfucking, penis-smelling, crotch-grabbing, ball-licking, semen-drinking, dog-raping, Nazi-loving, child-touching, cow-humping, perverted, spineless, heartless, mindless, dickless, testicle-choking, urine-gargling, jerk-offing, horse face, sheep-fondling, toilet-kissing, self-centered, feces-puking, dildo-shoving, snot-spitting, crap-gathering, big-nosed, monkey-slapping, bastard-screwing, bean-shitting, fart-knocking, sack-busting, splooge-tasting, bear-blowing, head-swallowing, bitch-snatching, handjobbing, donkey-caressing, mucus-spewing, anal-plugging, ho-grabbing, uncircumsized, sewer-sipping, whore mongering, piss-swimming, midget-munching, douchebag, ho-biting, carnivorous, mail-order prostituting asshole!

"He's the Nostalgia Critic, he says it for you so you don't have to." Lucas said.

Leland McKenzie: Ann.

Ann Kelsey: He's a pig! We are talking about a woman who could die and all he can see are dollar signs. So if you're gonna ask me to apologize, forget it.

Leland McKenzie: Annie, without legal representation, all the same terrible things would have happened to her excepting the very real possibility that she might never have received medical treatment at all.

Ann Kelsey: I understand that.

Leland McKenzie: And while, yes, it's possible our firm may profit from her problems. So will her children. And perhaps just as important, the insurance company will think twice before they do it to anyone else.

"Hey, insurance companies be screwing people over for years. If you wanna strike fear to the hearts of insurance companies, just mention these three names: Young, Retherman & Mazzei." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) And with Leland being the wise old man of the law firm, he gives her some words of wisdom.

Leland McKenzie: I grant you, in the hands of a Douglas Brackman, the law may not be pretty. But in the hands of Ann Kelsey… it can be uplifting and life-affirming and we can all be proud of that.

Ann Kelsey: You're handling me.

Leland McKenzie: True. But I'll also handle Douglas.

"Dude, nobody need to see you handling Douglas. Plus, I would rather see Markowitz handling Kelsey, if you know what I mean." Lucas said.

Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to the Pregerson trail as Adrienne apologizes for her outburst in the courtroom. Now, it's time for Cosmo Renfro from The Fugitive to cross-examine her, if he doesn't act like a dick.

Ralph Cavanaugh: Now, Miss Moore, drawing your attention once again to the evening in question. As you came out of the convenience store carrying your purchases, did you take your package and put it in the car first, or did you take it with you as approached my client?

D.A. Malcolm Gold: Objection, Your Honor, to that sleazy trick question.

Ralph Cavanaugh: I object to your inference.

"And I object to that toupee that you're wearing on your head, buddy." Sean said.

Judge Alice Ratakowski: Miss Moore, what did you do immediately after leaving the convenience store?

Adrienne Moore: I'm sorry. I don't remember.

Judge Alice Ratakowski: Did you go to your car? Did you go to the defendant's car? Did they come to you? What happened?

Adrienne Moore: I don't remember. I just don't remember.

"Oh, come on, lady! You gotta remember! What? Suddenly chemotherapy's giving you sudden memory loss?" Lucas asked.

Lucas: (Narrating) Actually, it does! As it turns out that Adrienne's been on extensive medication. With drugs like Vincristine, Prednisone, Codeine, Dalman, Chlonodine. Some of these drugs can impair her memory, or maybe she's refusing to testify against Pregerson. In other words, Judge Ratakowski dismisses the case, and Pregerson is not happy about it.

Justin Pregerson: What's happening?

Michael Kuzak: It's over. There's no case. Go home.

Justin Pregerson: Well, what about our threats? She said she'd blow us away!

Adrienne Moore: (To Pregerson) You deserve to die!

Justin Pregerson: Did you- - did you hear that? That's a threat! What's going on here? She ought to be arrested for that!

"Nope. I didn't hear anything. Did you, Lucas?" Sean asked.

"Nope. I didn't hear anything either, broski. I'm sure he's just hearing things." Lucas said.

Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Victor meets up with Leland, Brackman and Kuzak for lunch and they order their meals.

Leland McKenzie: I'll have the turbot, sauce on the side. Nothing to start.

Waiter (Played by Jean-Paul Vignon): Monsieur?

Michael Kuzak: Cold chicken plate, nothing to start.

Waiter: (To Sifuentes) Monsieur?

Victor Sifuentes: How much is the warm lobster?

Waiter: Uh, sixteen dollars.

Victor Sifuentes: And the pasta?

Waiter: Uh, eleven dollars.

Victor Sifuentes: Okay. Both. That's $27, that's okay?

Douglas Brackman: You seem concerned about the cost of lunch, Mr. Sifuentes.

Victor Sifuentes: Well, Doug, the way I figure it, with the wine and all, this lunch has gotta go two-fifty, three hundred bucks. Which ain't a lot compared to what you probably paid for your suit. Until you figure that that suit's gonna last you a couple of years, maybe more. But by tomorrow, lunch is sewage. You get my point, Doug?

Douglas Brackman: I'm afraid it escapes me.

"Hey, I don't blame Victor. I'm like that when it comes to ordering food at a restaurant that Taylor and I eat at." Sean said.

Leland McKenzie: Tell us your background, Victor.

Victor Sifuentes: Well, I'm a local boy, East L.A. High school, couple of years in the army. Cal State Northridge, Glendale College of Law in Glendale. And four years at the PD's office.

"And let's not forget he was a big-time drug dealer in Chicago, a detective in the NYPD for four years and he was also a senator and a member of Alderaan's royal family. Dude's got a hell of a background." Lucas said.

(Pictures of various characters that Jimmy Smits played are shown: Julio Gonzales from the 1986 film Running Scared, Detective Bobby Simone from NYPD Blue and Senator Bail Organa from the Star Wars prequels)

Leland McKenzie: And why the law?

Victor Sifuentes: Lots of reasons. Make a living… give something back, you know. Do a little good for the people.

Michael Kuzak: And that's what you were doing the other day in court with all that mambo about being denied access to your client?

Victor Sifuentes: Hey, man, you do what you gotta do. The bottom line is, the dude's not gonna do time. He's going into a program.

Michael Kuzak: The dude is a hype. And 20 bucks says he's gonna wind up dead in an alley somewhere with a needle sticking out of his arm.

Victor Sifuentes: You don't know that.

"Hey, 40 bucks says that this guy is gonna stay off of that stuff." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) Leland proposes that if Victor would join their firm, they'll do everything they can to accommodate his needs, like working pro bono stuff, class actions, immigration stuff, Indian Affairs, you name it. But, this lawyer isn't going to be wooed that easily.

Victor Sifuentes: Well, the fact is, you don't want me to do no pro bono. And you sure ain't looking for a little third world color to brighten up your office decor. What I do think is that you're tired of picking up the snails yourself. So you're bringing in the Mexican gardener to do it for you.

Douglas Brackman: Well, I think you've made your position quite clear.

Victor Sifuentes: Yeah. I guess I have. Gentlemen.

(Victor leaves the table)

"Uh, quick question: who's going to eat Victor's lobster and pasta? If he's not going to eat it, then I will." Lucas said.

Sean: (Narrating) We check in on Ann and Abby, as they have a meeting with Lester Mestman at her office and he has an offer to propose to her regarding the settlement.

Lester Mestman: Uh, let me add that this offer in no way admits or infers any causal connection between Mrs. Robinson's failing to seek treatment nine months ago and her condition today.

Ann Kelsey: Your reservations are duly noted, Mr. Mestman. Now what was the number you had in mind?

Lester Mestman: Twenty-five thousand… plus reasonable hospital medical and surgical bills, of course. We might be willing to go to 50 if she dies. Well?

Ann Kelsey: My law clerk has made a notation of your offer in the file. Thank you, and good day.

Lester Mestman: Wait a minute. What kind of number did you have in mind?

Ann Kelsey: One with at least two more zeroes at the end.

Lester Mestman: This is a black woman, a domestic.

Ann Kelsey: She's a caterer and I don't know what her color has to do with it.

Lester Mestman: I'm offering her more money than she probably earns in an entire year. Before you turn your nose up at it, I'd advise you to think twice.

Ann Kelsey: Once was more than sufficient. Good day.

"Well, buddy. There's one lesson that you should learn, and that lesson is this: don't fuck with Ann Kelsey!" Sean exclaimed.

Lester Mestman: You think you're pretty smart with your fancy law degree. Well, we'll see just how smart you are when you have to take this to a jury. Trust me, juries don't like bulldozing, chop-busting, butch lady lawyers any better than I do.

Ann Kelsey: Thank you for sharing that insight with me, Mr. Mestman. Once again, I must decline your offer. But I do appreciate your coming in. Have a nice day.

(A clip from Pure Country is shown)

Dusty Wyatt Chandler (Played by George Strait): Go on. Get your ass out of here.

Lucas: (Narrating) We then cut to Arnie as we see him dealing with Lydia's ex-husband and her lawyer as they try to reach a settlement.

Mitchell Glazer (Played by H. Richard Greene): We offered alimony for… six years at $1,500 per month. And child support for like amount. Further, after the sale of their jointly-owned home, one-half of the net proceeds plus all the furniture, silver and art.

Arnie Becker: I've read the menu, sir. Please don't kid a kidder. (Points to Lydia) This woman, the mother of Mr. Graham's two young children has been deceived. (Sits down in a chair) This woman did you no harm, sir. She was true to her vows.

Mitchell Glazer: As was Mr. Graham!

"Seriously? This ass-goblin was true to his marriage? It's just like saying that Gavin Rossdale was true to his marriage to Gwen Stefani when he cheated on her with the nanny." Lucas said.

Sean: (Narrating) Arnie whips out the photos of Lydia's ex-husband and his mistress, exposing him for what a cheating piece of trash that he is and it turns into a heated argument between the two of them. And yes, I just realized that it's Barry Graham is played by John McCook, who you might recognize him as Eric Forrester from this CBS soap opera.

(The 1991 opening titles to Guiding Light is shown before Sean pushes it out of the way)

"Wrong soap opera. This one." Sean said with a smile on his face.

(The 1987 intro to The Bold and the Beautiful is shown)

"You know, if they added Ronn Moss in the episode, then we would've seen him yell at Arnie." Lucas said.

Barry Graham (Played by John McCook): This is what it's all about, isn't it? The fact that I have a loving and close relationship.

Lydia Graham: Close? You ought to be sued for practicing medicine without a license!

Barry Graham: And you won't be happy until you've made me pay!

Lydia Graham: I'm the one being made to pay here, you low-life degenerate!

(Lydia starts hitting Barry while the sound of a crowd cheering plays in the background)

Arnie Becker: Lydia, Lydia, Lydia. (Moves her away from Barry) Lydia, Lydia, calm- - calm down. Come on, come on, come on. Come on, sweetheart.

Barry Graham: You punishing bitch! You can't stand that I could be happy with another woman, can you?

"Dude, you were lucky that she just gave you a beatdown. Just be glad that she didn't cut off your Johnson." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) After that heated argument, Arnie offers Barry to pay a bunch of money, then afterwards right when Arnie tries to console Lydia, she thinks that what he did was despicable and she'll never be able to look at him the same way ever again.

Arnie Becker: Lydia, you came in here looking for somebody to do your dirty laundry. What'd you expect?

Lydia Graham: Well, it stinks.

Arnie Becker: Well, dirty laundry usually does. It's messy and it's nasty. And it churns up a whole lot of goo. But it's a hell of a lot more civilized and a hell of a lot more lucrative than putting a bullet between his ears.

"Uh, quick question: what kind of goo are you talking about, Becker?" Sean asked.

"Probably the "money shot" kind of goo." Lucas said.

"Oh, yeah. That. I'm pretty sure that Arnie has that experience in that type of goo." Sean said.

Lydia Graham: Well, I lost my life. My children lost a family. And there's no amount of money that would compensate for that.

Arnie Becker: You gonna give it back? Lydia, maybe you hate me today. That's understandable. But two weeks from now, you're gonna be recommending me to a friend. Two months from now, you'll be inviting me over for dinner.

"Hell, you'll probably end up in bed with me. I'm known to be a stud in the bedroom." Lucas said, imitating Arnie.

Sean: (Narrating) Later, Michael leaves the office with Ann and Abby as they head home to get ready for Leland's party and as Kuzak walks over to his car, Justin Pregerson shows up and let's just say that he's losing his shit because his father canceled his credit cards and his bank account. So, he needs money so he can get out of L.A., but Kuzak can't help him because if he leaves, they're gonna violate his probation.

Justin Pregerson: (Grabs Kuzak) Well, then you fix it with my probation officer!

Michael Kuzak: (Looks at Pregerson's hand) Take your hands off me.

Justin Pregerson: Alright, look. I'm- - I'm a little strung out, okay? (Sniffles and laughs) I'm a lot strung out. (Pulls out a gun) But you better fix this thing for me. Or someone's gonna get hurt.

Michael Kuzak: That's not too smart.

"Yeah, you shouldn't have done that, son. You never bring a gun to a Medusa head fight." Sean said.

Justin Pregerson: You deserve to die. You heard it. You deserve to die! That crazy broad's looking to kill me, man.

Michael Kuzak: The gun also violates your probation.

Justin Pregerson: Well, it beats being dead. How much money you got?

Michael Kuzak: Not the kind you need.

"Joke's on him, he only carries debit cards." Lucas said.

Lucas: (Narrating) After giving Pregerson some money, Kuzak heads down to a bar and finds Detective Tuttle sitting at a bar having a drink and he joins him to sulk about what happened in the courtroom.

Detective Lester Tuttle: The system's down. We got citizens behind locked doors. Wise guys on the street. Hell, what went on in that courtroom was a joke. Those animals did it and they walked. I wish she'd blow 'em away. Hell, I'd buy her a gun.

Michael Kuzak: You're a real drag, Lester. (Takes a drink) I'm going.

Detective Lester Tuttle: Good. I don't wanna be seen hanging out with you.

Michael Kuzak: By the way… you wouldn't happen to know offhand if… Justin Pregerson's got a carry permit for a pearl-handled .38 revolver, would you?

Detective Lester Tuttle: (Sips his beer) Why?

Michael Kuzak: Oh, just curious.

"Oh, shit. I gotta call this one in. And after this one, I'm going to work for OCP." Sean said, imitating Detective Tuttle.

Sean: (Narrating) Later, Kuzak is working late in his office practicing one of his free-throws like he's Charles Barkley until Victor shows up to pay him a visit.

Victor Sifuentes: I didn't think you high-paid types worked this late.

Michael Kuzak: Well, I'm expecting a phone call from a client who's about to be arrested. Is this a social visit?

Victor Sifuentes: Nah. I always pay off my bets. (Gives Kuzak some money)

Michael Kuzak: What's this for?

Victor Sifuentes: My hype. They found him a couple hours ago in an alley with a needle stuck in his arm.

"GODDAMN IT!" Sean shouted in anger.

"Pay up, broski." Lucas said with his hand sticking out.

"Man, I cannot believe that I lost this bet. Taylor's gonna murder me." Sean said, as he pulled out $40 from out of his wallet, then hands it over to Lucas.

Victor Sifuentes: Plus, I owe you an apology. I was way out of line at lunch.

Michael Kuzak: Ah, forget it. Sit down, sit down.

Sean: (V/O as Kuzak) By the way, I ate your lobster and pasta.

(Victor sits down in a chair)

Victor Sifuentes: You know… where I come from, guys like you… were always the enemy. I don't know. Somehow just even after the lunch was like selling out.

Michael Kuzak: Well, the job's still there if you want it.

Victor Sifuentes: Yeah? I can't see me running around here in no gray suit.

(Kuzak and Sifuentes both chuckle)

Michael Kuzak: Neither can I.

Victor Sifuentes: You guys weren't just blowing smoke about doing some pro bono, were you?

Michael Kuzak: Lawyers? Blow smoke?

Victor Sifuentes: I'm serious, man.

Michael Kuzak: I'll make a deal with you. You work for six weeks, full associate status. You don't like it for any reason, take a bus. No questions asked.

Victor Sifuentes: It would have to be a two-way street. Six weeks and I ain't cuttin' it, you have the right to throw my butt right out the door.

Michael Kuzak: Well, that sounds fair. Deal?

Victor Sifuentes: Oh, mama. (Shakes Kuzak's hand) Deal.

(A clip from Casablanca is shown)

Rick (Played by Humphrey Bogart): Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Lucas: (Narrating) Kuzak gets a call from Pregerson, who's ended up in jail again, and with a lot of charges that Kuzak has named, things aren't looking too good for him.

Justin Pregerson: What am I lookin' at here?

Michael Kuzak: Oh, six to eight minimum.

Justin Pregerson: Maybe we offer them a deal?

Michael Kuzak: You don't have anything to offer.

Justin Pregerson: What about Dollar and Garcia?

Michael Kuzak: What about 'em?

Justin Pregerson: They did the rape. I'll testify to it. We can just drop all the other stuff.

Michael Kuzak: You did the rape too?

Justin Pregerson: Sure, yeah. It was three of us. It was their idea.

Michael Kuzak: Are you prepared to do time on that charge?

Justin Pregerson: Depends.

Sean: (V/O as Kuzak) Are you prepared to have a date with Fleece Johnson, the Booty Warrior.

Lucas: (V/O as Pregerson): Yes, Wait, what? No! NO WAY! Anything but that freak! I'll cut a deal with you!

Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Leland's party, where we see that everyone is having a good time and we also see that Arnie has brought an attractive little honey to the party with him.

April (Played by Martha Longley): This is nice. Is anyone here in the business?

Arnie Becker: (Looks around) George Lucas.

April: Come on.

Arnie Becker: Francis Ford Coppola. Shh! Steven Spielberg.

April: Get outta here.

"Fun fact: the guy that Arnie refers to as "Steven Spielberg", that person is none other than the creator of L.A. Law himself, Steven Bochco." Lucas pointed out as a picture of Steven Bochco is shown.

"I wonder if there's anyone in this party that we might recognize." Sean said.

(We see that Arnie is speaking to one of the party guests)

Arnie Becker: (To the guest) Excuse us?

(We see that the party guest is played by James B. Sikking)

"Holy shit! It's Lt. Howard Hunter himself, James B. Sikking! Oh, my God! You have Steven Bochco and James B. Sikking making a cameo in the episode. This is freakin' sweet!" Sean exclaimed.

"And yes, if you also have to ask, he's also Doogie Howser's dad," Lucas nodded out, "That is double fricking sweet."

Arnie Becker: What's your problem?

Lisa Weston: Very classy. I hope you asked her for a medical certificate.

Arnie Becker: Lisa, if you wanna be an associate with this firm, you and I can't be seen on dates together.

(Lisa stays silent)

Arnie Becker: Come on, don't pout. After I dump her off, I'll come by your place.

(Lisa smiles at Arnie)

Lisa Weston: What time?

Arnie Becker: Early as I can. Leave the door open. I promise to wake you.

"I bet ya, he's gonna give her the 'ol 69. Giggity!" Lucas exclaimed.

Lucas: (Narrating) While Stuart is trying to hit things off with Ann, Abby gets ready to tell Ann that she just got off the phone with Celia Robinson, who's preparing for surgery, but then her drunk as hell husband Jim, played by Boyd Gaines respectively, starts acting like a jerkass towards her.

Jim Perkins (Played by Boyd Gaines): Right at her bedside. Isn't that just awe-inspiring? You know, I'll bet if she spent half as much time in bed with me as she does with this damn client, we might even have a marriage.

Abby Perkins: Stuart Markowitz, Ann Kelsey, this is my husband, Jim.

Jim Perkins: Res ipsa loquitor.

Stuart Markowitz: I beg your pardon?

Jim Perkins: Oh, I thought that how you lawyer types talk. But I wouldn't know, being a mere unemployed house husband.

Abby Perkins: Jim, stop it. You're embarrassing me.

Jim Perkins: That's not embarrassing.

(Jim throws his drink in Abby's face)

Jim Perkins: That's embarrassing.

Sean and Lucas both stay silent for a bit. Shocked at what they just witnessed.

"Did that bastard just humiliate Abby by throwing a drink in her face?" Sean asked.

"I believe that he just did." Lucas said.

"Oh, hell no. I can't stand anyone being a complete asshole towards this innocent, babyfaced woman. He shall suffer my wrath." Sean said as he pulled out his Uzi.

"And if you think that's the most despicable thing that he does, just keep watching season one, you'll hate the guy even more." Lucas said.

Sean: (Narrating) After witnessing Abby getting embarrassed by her drunk husband, Ann becomes worried about Celia Robinson and life itself, so she asks Stuart an important question.

Ann Kelsey: Are you happy, Stuart?

Stuart Markowitz: (Stammers) I'm not- - I'm not unhappy.

Ann Kelsey: That's not good enough. When's the last time you made love to a woman?

Stuart Markowitz: God, Ann, come on. Don't you think that's kind of personal?

Ann Kelsey: Yes. When?

Stuart Markowitz: That's not something you go to the supermarket and buy with your TV dinner, you know.

Ann Kelsey: When?

Stuart Markowitz: Ann, look at me. I… I am what I am. I'm short. No, believe me, I'm short. You can't tell from where you're standing, I'm sure. And I don't do Nautilus or anything. I'm- - I'm not… I'm not sexy and I bruise easily.

"And I'm not good lookin' or muscular like Nick Manning and I don't have the sexual stamina of Mick Blue. And I'm not that big like Rob Piper." Sean said, imitating Stuart.

"But Zip from the Body Donnas looks like Stuart if he had a dye job." Lucas said as a photo of Zip is shown next to a photo of Stuart Markowitz.

(Ann whispers something in Stuart's ear)

Stuart Markowitz: What?

Ann Kelsey: You heard me.

Stuart Markowitz: Are you bombed?

Ann Kelsey: Don't sell yourself short. I've had a few but I'm not bombed. Will you?

Stuart Markowitz: Ann, i- - if you think about it, it's not- -

Ann Kelsey: Thinking is the last thing I wanna do. Come home with me.

Stuart Markowitz: (Smiles) I don't know what to say.

Ann Kelsey: Don't say anything.

"I can tell you all this, Michael Tucker and Jill Eikenberry are a better celebrity couple than Kirk Cameron and Chelsea Noble. Plus, Jill Eikenberry's been getting the Vitamin D from Michael Tucker for years." Lucas said.

Lucas: (Narrating) The next day, we cut to the courtroom, where we see that Pregerson and their buddies change their plea to guilty and they're gonna spend eighteen months in the state prison facility. So after the trial ends, Kuzak speaks to Adrienne.

Michael Kuzak: I know that as things go… eighteen months is not a very long time.

Adrienne Moore: As things go, it's a lot better than nothing.

Michael Kuzak: Look… (Gives Adrienne his business card) Here's my card.

Adrienne Moore: If you ever need a lawyer.

Michael Kuzak: If you need a friend, please don't hesitate to call… for anything.

(A clip from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is shown)

Donatello: It's a Kodak moment.

Sean: (Narrating) As everybody leave the office for the night, Kuzak goes to speak with McKenzie about Pregerson and his buddies.

Leland McKenzie: I suspect young Pregerson is gonna find out more about the crime of rape in those 18 months than he bargained for.

Michael Kuzak: I suspect you're right.

Leland McKenzie: Word is, you were doing the prosecution's job.

Michael Kuzak: Well, I let the cops know he was a ticking bomb. They did the rest.

Leland McKenzie: That's a pretty thin line, ethics-wise.

Michael Kuzak: If I stepped over it… which, by the way, I don't think I did… I'll live with it.

"Hey, I'm sure that you'll live with a lot of things later on in the show, and let's just say Leland won't be happy about it." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) And the episode ends with Kuzak getting a visit from Adrienne, who breaks down crying as she tells him that she's scared and we get a shot of Kuzak consoling her. What a hell of a way to end an episode. This ending is the chef's kiss right there.

"And that was the pilot episode of L.A. Law, and what do we think of it? It's an excellent start to the show." Sean said.

(Clips from the pilot episode are shown)

Sean: (Narrating) What's there to say about the pilot episode? You have an amazing cast of characters, some great dramatic moments, some fine acting and terrific writing. It's perfect.

Lucas: (Narrating) The emotions were there, the characters gel well together, the humor and drama that was included blends mighty fine. And did we mention Steven Bochco and James B. Motherfricking Sikking as cameos? Man, Mr. Bochco hit this two-part pilot out of the park top-notch.

Sean: (Narrating) Ladies and gentleman, if you have a Hulu subscription in hand, do yourself a favor and catch this episode right away. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll do both. It's the picture perfect debut for an '80s law drama that can't be beat. Overall, we find the defendant of the two-part pilot episode of L.A. Law 5 innocents out of 5.

"And with that said, consider this case closed and one for the Mayhem Critic record books." Sean pointed out, "So on behalf of UltimateWarriorFan4Ever, I'm Sean The Mayhem Critic, and court is now adjourned. I'll see you next time!"

Mayhem Critic Tagline- "I've never taken on three guys. I want you to do it to me and I want you to do it rough"?

Whew! Boy, did we have a hell of a time working on this review. Yes, it took a very long time due to us being busy with so many stuff with things we probably shouldn't discuss because of well, private matters, but hey, this was worth the wait for you fans because at least you got a review from us. So thank you fans for being patient. We really appreciate it. :)

Now that we finally put this chapter behind us, watch as yours truly, the Mayhem Critic, travels to 1978 and reviews a movie so raunchy, it became the trendsetter for many college-themed comedies. Yes, we're talking about National Lampoon's Animal House. Does it still hold up or has it aged poorly like a rusty beer keg? Also, if you have a suggestion for a TV show or movie you want me to review? Let me know via review or PM's, ladies and gentleman. Until next time, later!