The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Last time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean reviewed the awesome-as-always Hard Target, which is the perfect team-up of Jean-Claude Van Damme and John Woo. Today, Sean tackles the infamous 1998 flop known as Godzilla, a film that Sean strangely enjoys for some odd reason. Does it belong in the category of "So Bad, It's Good" or should it be erased from existence? But he's not going to review this movie alone, he has Ryoma the Craze Critic to tag along for this review. Well get ready, kids. We're in for a real treat. This is the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Godzilla is owned by TriStar Pictures, Toho Co. Ltd., Centropolis Entertainment and Fried Films.
Episode 214
Godzilla
(The Mayhem Critic intro is shown. After the intro ends, we open in the year 1992, as we see Sean sitting in his living room watching a trailer for Universal Soldier)
Announcer: (On TV) The ultimate weapons of the future have declared war on each other. Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren. Universal Soldier.
(The title of the movie is shown on the television screen)
The phone rings as Sean answers the phone.
"Hello? Hey, Brian. I just saw the most awesome trailer for the movie Universal Soldier. Yeah, it looks like it's gonna be great. Yeah, you have these super soldiers created by the military. Yeah, I wanna know who these super soldiers are and where they come from. In fact, I might as well go out and see the movie. You wanna come?" Sean asked. "Alright, cool! I'll come and get you and we'll head to the movies to go see it. I am so pumped."
(Sean leaves eagerly, then a title card a la SpongeBob SquarePants that reads "One Screening Later…" is shown)
Narrator: One screening later…
"Holy cow! Was that film awesome! Can you believe that two soldiers ended up killing each other in Vietnam and the military preserved their bodies and resurrected them for a top-secret super soldier program and they regain their memories and go to war with each other. Also, you have the dude from Law & Order created this super soldier program. Yes, I'm talking about Jerry Orbach. Man, I can't wait to see another film from those guys." Sean said.
(We cut to a title card that reads "Two years later…")
Narrator: Two years later…
We then cut to the year 1994, as Sean is sitting on his couch watching TV with Taylor and he sees a trailer for the movie Stargate.
(Footage from the Stargate trailer is shown)
The phone began to ring as Sean answered it.
"Hello? Oh, hey Dave. You and Brian saw the trailer too? Man, it looks awesome! The build-up was incredible. You have a magical gate that could teleport people to somewhere else. Yeah, I was wondering where they went and what they're looking for. I guess we have to go see it and find out. Hey, I'm curious as much as the next guy and you know what, I wanna go see the movie. You guys meet me at the movies, I'll be right with you." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch.
"Wait a minute. You said you were going to go see Silent Fall with me." Taylor said.
"Yeah, you're right. We'll go see it tomorrow, I promise." Sean said as he leaves the house.
(We cut to another title card that reads "One Screening Later…")
Narrator: One screening later…
Taylor is laying in bed reading a book as Sean enters the bedroom as he gets ready for bed.
"So, how was Stargate?" Taylor asked.
"Amazing! Man, I loved this movie! You might think that the Egyptians created the pyramids, but it's actually aliens that created the pyramids. Also, you have the bad guy who's played by the chick with the dick from The Crying Game." Sean said.
"That's actually a guy, Sean." Taylor said.
"Yeah, yeah. I know. I saw the movie. You watched it with me. Anyway, it was a good movie. In fact, I might go see it again, this time I'm taking you with me." Sean said.
"How about we make it a double feature? We'll go see Silent Fall and I'll go see Stargate with you. Deal?" Taylor asked.
"Deal." Sean said. "Man, this director is gonna have a great career in his life."
(We cut to another title card that reads "Two Years Later…")
Narrator: Two years later…
It is the year 1996 and we see that Sean and Taylor are getting ready to watch Waiting to Exhale on VHS.
"Come on, Sean. You're going to like this movie." Taylor said.
"It's a chick flick. I can't believe that you saw the movie with my mom." Sean said.
"Hey, I've read the book. Also, I love Whitney Houston and Angela Bassett." Taylor said as she sits down on the couch while Sean puts the tape in the VCR.
"Yeah, I just hope that you don't start burning my car along with my clothes and other stuff." Sean said as Taylor made a look on her face.
"Wait, how did you know about… did you go see that movie?" Taylor asked.
"Shut up. The trailers are showing." Sean said.
(The trailer for Independence Day is shown as we see footage from the trailer. Sean watches the trailer and looks intrigued by it. Then, we get a shot of the White House exploding and we get the title of the movie shown)
"Ho…ly… shit!" Sean exclaimed as the phone starts ringing.
"Oh, no. Not again." Taylor sighed as Sean answers the phone.
"Hello? You saw it too, didn't you. You saw the White House blow up. You know something? I wanna go see that movie. I think we should go see it. I wanna know what blew up the White House. See you at the movies. Bye." Sean said as he hangs up the phone and gets up from off of the couch as Taylor silently glares at him.
"What?" Sean asked.
"You know damn well what. You promised to watch this movie with me. Not run off to the movies to see some ridiculous movie from some ridiculous German director." Taylor said.
"Tay, Uwe Boll is ridiculous. Roland Emmerich is a saint. So don't talk crap about him." Sean said. "Besides, I'm sure this movie is pretty good."
(We then cut to another title card that reads "One Screening Later…")
Narrator: One screening later…
"WHOOOOOO! MAN, WHAT A RUSH!" Sean yelled out as he entered the house.
"So, how was the movie?" Taylor asked.
"IT WAS AWESOME! Man, you have aliens in New York, Los Angeles and Washington D.C. blowing shit up and you have the dude from Casper as the President of the United States flying in a jet to fight off aliens with Cousin Eddie while Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum are in space and Will Smith bitch smacks the alien in the face with a nuclear missile and blows up the mothership." Sean said.
"Wait, did he actually smack an alien with a nuclear missile?" Taylor asked.
"No, but in one scene he did punch an alien out. That was badass." Sean said.
"So, I guess you're going to watch the next film that Roland Emmerich will direct?" Taylor asked.
"You bet your sweet ass I am." Sean said.
(Cut to another title card that reads "Two Years Later…")
Narrator: Two years later…
The year is 1998 and we see Sean entering the living room as he sits down with a bowl of popcorn and a can of Mello Yello soda while he prepares to watch a movie.
"Alright. I got my popcorn and my soda. Time to watch The Mask of Zorro and have naughty fantasies about Catherine Zeta-Jones." Sean said as he plays the movie.
(As Sean plays the tape, we cut to an old man fishing over a dock in the rain and we cut to a title card that reads "FROM THE CREATORS OF INDEPENDENCE DAY")
"Hmm, this looks interesting." Sean said.
Old Fisherman (Played by Ralph Manza): I got a bite! (Laughs with glee)
"Okay, it's an old guy fishing in the rain. So what." Sean said.
(The fisherman's fishing pole slips out of his hand and a huge bulge of water appears. Sean and the other fishermen look on intently. The bulge moves towards the dock)
"Oh, my God." Sean said.
(Something is sticking out of the water on both sides and ends up pushing the fisherman's dock as he runs away)
"OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" Sean yelled out.
(We see the title of the movie "GODZILLA" and we hear the sound of Godzilla roaring. The trailer ends as the homeless men look through the chain link fence at a huge eye and they both scream as we then see the famous tagline that reads "SIZE DOES MATTER")
Sean stops the tape with a stunned look on his face after what he just witnessed. He stayed silent for a couple of minutes before saying a word.
"And the phone will start ringing in three... two... one..." Sean said as he got ready to point at the phone. Much to his surprise, the phone didn't ring, but instead, the doorbell rang as he gets up from off of the couch to answer it. As he answered the door, his good buddy Ryoma is standing in front of the door.
"You saw it too, didn't you?" Ryoma asked.
"Oh, man! Yeah! What a hell of a trailer. And it's the American version of Godzilla too. And I love Godzilla!" Sean exclaimed.
"Wanna go see it?" Ryoma asked.
"You bet your ass." Sean said as he grabs his Chicago Bears jacket and leaves the house.
(We cut to the last title card that reads "One Screening Later...")
Narrator: One screening later...
We cut back to Sean and Ryoma as they're both sitting on the couch, speechless from what they just saw during their trip to the movies.
"What the hell did we just watch?" Sean asked.
"I think Roland Emmerich just ruined Godzilla for all of us." Ryoma said.
"That's it. I'm not watching another movie from this guy ever again." Sean said.
Narrator: Just wait until The Day After Tomorrow.
(We then cut to the last title card that reads "Twenty-Six Years Later...")
Narrator: Twenty-six years later...
It's the year 2024 as we see our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting in his office and reading the emails from his fans requesting him to review a movie he dread reviewing for years. He sighed for a bit and took a sip of his bottle of Mike's hard lemonade and looked down at his desk at the DVD copy of Godzilla, which features his eye on the cover.
"Oh, God. Well, gotta give the people what they want." Sean said.
The young critic got up from out of his desk chair and leaves his office. As he walks down the stairs, he walks over to the couch. He stops on the stairs as he sees Ryoma sitting on his couch.
"Uh, how did you get in this house?" Sean asked.
"Taylor invited me in. She told me that you're reviewing Godzilla '98." Ryoma said.
"Yeah. I think it's about that we talk about it." Sean said as he sat next to Ryoma before he starts his introduction. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And joining me is fellow movie critic Ryoma the Craze Critic."
"Hey, guys." Ryoma said.
"Let's talk about Godzilla." Sean said.
(Clips from various Godzilla movies are shown while Godzilla's Theme by Akira Ifukube plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) What's there that hasn't been said about Godzilla? He's one of the greatest and iconic kaiju monsters of all time and has became an international pop icon, who got his start 70 years ago.
Ryoma: (Narrating) He's known as "the original radioactive superhero" due to him having an accidental radioactive origin story. We all love watching Godzilla and with me and Sean being fans of Godzilla, we love his films. We've seen him face off against various monsters like King Ghidora, Gigan, Megalon, Mechagodzilla, Biollante, Mothra, Battra, SpaceGodzilla, Destoroyah, Orga and more. He even went up against King Kong of all monsters.
(A poster for Godzilla vs. Kong is shown)
Ryoma: (Narrating) Before that.
(A poster for the 1962 film King Kong vs. Godzilla is shown)
Ryoma: (Narrating) Yeah. That one.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Godzilla is awesome. That is until in 1998, some numbnuts decided to ruin Godzilla.
"That is where Godzilla comes in." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Godzilla" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "Come with Me" by Puff Daddy featuring Jimmy Page plays in the background)
Ryoma: (Narrating) Yeah, I think it's about time that we talk about this movie.
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on May 20th, 1998, Godzilla was the movie that ruined the King of Monsters. This movie had some history, so a little background on the making of the film. Producer and distributor Henry G. Saperstein, who was known for producing and distributing Godzilla movies for the American film market, received permission from Toho Co. Ltd. to pitch a new Godzilla film for Hollywood markets.
Ryoma: (Narrating) So, he met with producers Cary Woods and Robert N. Fried for discussions regarding a live-action Mr. Magoo film. Yeah, save that stinker for Disney. (The poster for the live-action Mr. Magoo film starring Leslie Nielsen is shown) But the discussion led to the availability of the rights to Godzilla and the two of them became interested in making the movie. So, in the early 90s, TriStar Pictures got the rights to make an American Godzilla film, which was originally going to be directed by cinematographer-turned-director Jan de Bont, who was known for directing Speed and Twister.
Sean: (Narrating) This one got pretty far into production with a finished script, storyboards and even monster designs from the legendary Stan Winston. Hell, there was also even a teaser trailer that Toho released in Japan. But, this one fell through because of budget concerns. Eventually, the project went to these jackasses.
(A picture of director Roland Emmerich and a picture of producer Dean Devlin are shown)
Ryoma: (Narrating) Enter director Roland Emmerich and producer Dean Devlin, who were known for the films Universal Soldier, Stargate and Independence Day, they were brought on to work on the project with Emmerich directing. Aside from Emmerich and Devlin working on the story and screenplay, writers Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio were also brought on as co-writers.
Sean: (Narrating) Now, let me say something about Emmerich, having him directing Godzilla was a decision that would prove controversial. Hell, he would later admit that he didn't like Godzilla and only took the project if he was free to change the character however they want.
"It's like having John Guillermin directing the King Kong remake and saying that he didn't like King Kong." Sean said.
"Look, Hollywood. A little lesson for you: if a director says that they're not a fan of a thing they're adapting and doesn't really want to do it in the first place, then they shouldn't do it." Ryoma said.
Ryoma: (Narrating) And let's me tell you something, everybody was hyped for Godzilla. The marketing for this movie was huge. You have teaser trailers that got us all excited for Godzilla. You have one with the fisherman and you have the other where Godzilla steps on a T-Rex at a museum.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from teaser trailers, you got Godzilla merch like toys, lunchboxes and even Taco Bell commercials promoting the movie. Plus, I used to have a Godzilla lunchbox and I still have my Godzilla action figure. And as a six-year-old kid growing up in Cincinnati, I was even hyped for Godzilla. Plus, you have the most memorable tagline for the movie: "Size Does Matter". Yeah, I know it sounds like the tagline for , but it isn't. Aside from the movie, you have the soundtrack from the movie with songs like Heroes by The Wallflowers, Deeper Underground by Jamiroquai, No Shelter by Rage Against the Machine and the best damn song ever Come with Me by…
(The music video of the song "Come with Me" by Puff Daddy featuring Jimmy Page is shown followed by a picture of P. Diddy and news articles with headlines regarding his allegations and the FBI raids are shown)
"Yeah, let me just say this. The song rules, but P. Diddy can go fuck himself. He's the real monster here." Sean said.
Ryoma: (Narrating) When the movie opened, people ran to the theater to go see it. And after the movie was over, their reaction was…
(A clip from The Green Mile is shown)
Hal Moores (Played by James Cromwell): What in the blue fuck was that?!
(A clip from Saturday Night Live is shown. The clip being shown is the sketch Ed Glosser, Trivial Psychic: Limited Usefulness)
Ed Glosser (Played by Christopher Walken): (Breaks the fourth wall) I don't know.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that's what people thought of this movie. After the movie's release, it got savaged by critics and they called it one of the worst movies of the year. Fans of Godzilla hated it too to the point where they don't consider it a real Godzilla film. The movie even became a punchline with Robot Chicken bashing it. And this movie joins the ranks of Batman & Robin, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation and Battlefield Earth in the history of worst movies ever made.
"Now, let me just say this. Well, here's the thing: I happen to actually enjoy Godzilla '98." Sean said.
Suddenly a red dot appears on Sean's forehead as Ryoma's eyes widened in shock as he sees the red dot on the young critic's forehead.
"Uh, Sean…" Ryoma said.
"I know, Ryoma. I know. I have a red dot aimed at my forehead and an angry Godzilla fan is about to blow my brains out. What we do now is… GET DOWN!" Sean yelled out as him and Ryoma quickly duck down as an angry fan fires a machine gun at Sean as the bullets ricochet rapidly a la rapid fire ricochet sound effects from the 70s and 80s.
"Jesus Christ!" Ryoma exclaimed as he got up.
"Okay, let me make this perfectly clear: yes, this movie still sucks, but it fits in the "So Bad, It's Good" category." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) It's like the 1993 version of Super Mario Bros., the film sucks but it managed to get a cult following over the years. I know it's a popular thing to hate on Godzilla, but I still do like it. I think it's about time to check out this flawed-as-hell movie and we can appreciate some of it's redeeming qualities. Look, I'm not here to change your mind because if you judge this film as any reviewer should, it's pretty terrible. We're just here to have some fun and talk about one of my favorite movies from my childhood.
"So, if you like this movie like Sean, then sit back and relax." Ryoma said.
"And if you don't like this movie, then grab yourself something to drink, because we'll probably nitpick on some stuff. Let's take a look at Godzilla." Sean said.
(The movie opens at a nuclear test site in French Polynesia)
Sean: (Narrating) So the movie opens at a nuclear test site in French Polynesia. I would just like to point out that in the original Godzilla, it was meant to reflect Japan's post-war anxiety about the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. In this version, instead of the American's fault, guess who it is to blame.
(The French Flag is shown with the caption "THE FRENCH" while the French National Anthem plays in the background)
"Because really, if you can't blame us Americans for something, blame the French." Ryoma said.
Ryoma: (Narrating) Here's another difference between this one and the original, instead of Godzilla being a resurrected dinosaur, in this one, he's an iguana. Also, I wonder what they're testing the nuclear weapons on.
(We see a nuclear explosion as the other iguanas look on)
"Hey, look at that. It's the result of the film's release. It was a huge nuclear explosion." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After the opening credits end, we cut to the South Pacific Ocean, where we see a Japanese tanker in the middle of a storm. And what a surprise, you have Japanese people aboard. I think we all know how this is gonna go down.
(The Japanese tanker skipper spots a disturbance on the radar. The alarm on the tanker rings as the crew start panicking while the tanker crew member yells in Japanese)
Japanese Tanker Crew Member (Played by Masaya Kato): (Subtitle) Abandon ship! Abandon ship!
(We see a subtitle that reads "Shitty movie! Shitty movie off the port bow! We then cut to one of the crew members telling the chef with the subtitles that read "Get up! Get up! Shitty movie!)
"I would just like to say that this is a pretty decent opening scene." Ryoma said.
Ryoma: (Narrating) You have a ship in a storm in the beginning of the movie. Plus, it doesn't give away the creature.
(We see the giant creature's claws slashing through the tanker, causing it to sink. Afterwards, we see the creature's tail strike the command center of the tanker)
Sean: (Narrating) After that awesome scene, we cut to Chernobylwe're introduced to our main character Dr. Nick Tatopoulous, played by Matthew Broderick. Nick is a NRC scientist who is studying worms affected by the radiation of Chernobyl.
"Is it just me or does movies use Chernobyl as the radioactive hotspot?" Sean asked.
Ryoma: (Narrating) Let's talk about Matthew Broderick's character and performance in this movie. He's kind of dull. I just wish that his character had a little more to him than just he's a nerdy, awkward character. I'm guessing they were trying to go for a James Spader or Jeff Goldblum-type character. But come on, Matthew Broderick cannot out-Goldblum Goldblum.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, we see that he hasn't gotten over his ex-girlfriend from college. No wonder he has pictures of her in his van. I'm pretty sure that's not weird or creepy. So anyway, while Nick is busy collecting his worms, the military comes in to interrupt his work.
Kyle Terrington (Played by Glenn Morshower): Dr. Niko Tapopolis?
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos (Played by Matthew Broderick): It's Tatopoulos.
"Oh, yeah. There's a running gag in the movie where people mispronounce his last name. I'm guessing this is Mr. Emmerich's way of adding some humor into his movie." Ryoma said.
Ryoma: (Narrating) Kyle Terrington, played by Glenn Morshower, is from the U.S. State Department and he informs Dr. Topopopulos…
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: It's Tatopoulos.
Ryoma: (Narrating) …whatever. He informs Nick that he's being reassigned to a special assignment. But enough about him as we cut to Papeete, Tahiti, where we see that a mysterious Frenchman by the name of Philippe Roache, played by Jean Reno, interviews one of the survivors of the attack and questions him what he saw on that fateful night and he finds out what the monster's called.
(Roache pulls out a lighter and shows it to the Japanese cook)
Philippe Roache (Played by Jean Reno): What did you see, old man?
Japanese Tanker Cook (Played by Lloyd Kino): Gojira.
"No, that's a lighter." Sean said.
Japanese Tanker Cook: Gojira.
"Again, that's a lighter." Sean said.
Japanese Tanker Cook: Gojira.
"IT'S A LIGHTER, ALRIGHT?! IT'S A FUCKING LIGHTER!" Sean shouted.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Panama as Dr. Tutorialopoulos…
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: It's Tatopoulos.
Sean: (Narrating) …whatever, is assigned to his special assignment and he meets up with Colonel Hicks, played by Kevin Dunn.
Colonel Hicks (Played by Kevin Dunn): Dr. Niko Topodopeless?
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: It's Tatopoulos.
Colonel Hicks: Whatever.
"Still trying to be funny with them mispronouncing his last name aren't you, movie?" Ryoma asked.
Ryoma: (Narrating) Colonel Hicks shows Mr. Snuffleupagus…
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: It's Tatopoulos.
Ryoma: (Narrating) …whatever. Follows Colonel Hicks to show him something for him to analyze something that's a little bigger than an earthworm.
Colonel Hicks: Here's your sample. Study it.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: What sample?
Colonel Hicks: You're standing in it.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: I don't see it. Where is it? I don't see it!
(The camera pans out, showing Nick standing in a giant footprint)
"Really? Are you that oblivious? You could be standing in Chicken Boo's giant footprint." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Nick sees the giant footprint, he is then introduced to a paleontologist named Dr. Elsie Chapman, played by Vicki Lewis, and Dr. Mendel Craven played by Malcolm Danare.
(Dr. Craven sneezes in his hand and tries to shake Nick's hand but stops as Nick looks disgusted)
Dr. Mendel Craven (Played by Malcolm Danare): Oh, sorry. (Sniffles) Summer cold.
"Oh, hey! It's Moochie Welch from Christine. He went from becoming a hood ornament on Christine to working as a scientist." Sean said.
"Really? He voiced Kipling in Monster High and Tiny in Ever After High." Ryoma said.
"Oh, yeah. I forgot he did voice those two characters from two popular cartoons based on Mattel dolls." Sean said. "But hey, those two franchises are great for having extremely hot fanfics."
Ryoma: (Narrating) So, they watch the video that the French released and then we cut to New York City, and we're introduced to Nick's ex-girlfriend Audrey Timmonds, played by Maria Pitillo. Audrey is an aspiring news reporter. Actually, she working as an administrative assistant. Wanting to become a reporter, she goes to ask her boss Charles Caiman, played by Harry Shearer. But, he asks her for something else.
Charles Caiman (Played by Harry Shearer): Why don't we talk about it over dinner tonight? Um, your place.
Audrey Timmonds (Played by Maria Pitillo): Mr. Caiman, you're married.
Charles Caiman: Yes, and you're very beautiful. Ever told you that before?
Audrey Timmonds: Mr. Caiman!
"Good evening, I'm Kent Brockman. Today's top story: I'm a reporter who likes to cheat on my wife with beautiful women who are dying to sleep with me." Sean said, imitating Kent Brockman from The Simpsons.
Audrey Timmonds: I've been doing research for you after hours and weekends for over three years. This is a very important job to me. I'm too old to be your assistant anymore. I need to know this job is going someplace.
Charles Caiman: So, have dinner with me tonight.
Audrey Timmonds: I can't.
Charles Caiman: Your choice.
"Wow. What a douchebag." Ryoma said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Great Pedro Bluff, Jamaica, as Nick and his team arrive. Also, Dr. Chapman takes some time to get to know Nick by flirting with him.
Dr. Elsie Chapman (Played by Vicki Lewis): How did Mrs. Tata-polis handle that?
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: It's Tatopoulos. I'm actually not married.
Dr. Elsie Chapman: Really? A girlfriend or…
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Uh, no. Perhaps I work too much.
Dr. Elsie Chapman: So do you mean to tell me there's no one who holds a special place in your heart?
(Nick thinks for a moment)
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: No. Not for a long time now.
Dr. Elsie Chapman: Well, you may be the wrong man for the job, but I think you're cute.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Oh. Thank you.
"Hey, Beth from NewsRadio is into cute, nerdy guys." Sean said.
Ryoma: (Narrating) They come across the destroyed tanker that was done by the creature and Dr. Stephanopoulos….
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: It's Tatopoulos.
Ryoma: (Narrating) …whatever, examines the ruined ship left on shore. Also, Philippe is there to examine the wreckage as well. We then cut to some fishing boats on the Eastern Seaboard on a stormy night. The creature brings down the ships. Also, don't you just love how the movie teases the monster and they don't show him yet. Plus, this movie has some really good practical effects work.
(The fishermen see something coming out of the water, thinking it's the mysterious creature, but it's actually one of the boats as it comes back down onto the water)
(A clip from Jaws is shown)
Chief Martin Brody (Played by Roy Scheider): You're going to need a bigger boat.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with the military, Colonel Hicks is informed about the three ships, but Dr. Nick figures what kind of creature they're dealing with and what could've caused it.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: What about the traces of radiation? The radiation isn't an anomaly. It's the clue. This animal is much too big to be some kind of lost dinosaur.
Colonel Hicks: Don't tell me what it isn't tell me what the hell it is.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Well, what do we know? Uh, it was first sighted… (Looks at the map) …off of the French Polynesian Pacific, right? That area has been exposed to dozens of nuclear tests over the past 30 years.
Dr. Elsie Chapman: Uh-huh. Hence, the radiation.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: No, more than that. I believe that this is a mutated aberration, a hybrid caused by the fallout on these islands.
Dr. Elsie Chapman: Uh-huh. Like your earthworms?
"Oh, please. Then you would be dealing with Earthworm Jim." Ryoma said.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: We're looking at a completely incipient creature, the dawn of a new species, the first of it's kind.
"Okay, so we got a giant version of Mrs. Kipling on the loose. Yeah, better be on the lookout. She might terrorize hot, redheaded babysitters." Sean said as a picture of Jessie Prescott is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut back to New York, as we see Audrey meeting with her friend Lucy, played by Arabella Field, and her husband Victor a.k.a. "Animal", played by Hank Azaria, as she complains about her life to them.
Audrey Timmonds: I cannot believe he put the moves on me, after everything I've done for him.
Lucy Palotti (Played by Arabella Field) He is scum. As far as he's concerned, you're just a pair of breasts that talk.
Victor "Animal" Palotti (Played by Hank Azaria): There's an image.
Lucy Palotti: I'm tellin' you, he is dirt. He's a douchebag, gutter slime, dog crap, puke chunks.
Victor "Animal" Palotti: (Disgusted) Hey! I'm eating. You don't see I'm eating?
"So, this is what it's like when Moe Szyslak is married to Melinda Bitterman from Baby Blues." Ryoma said.
Lucy Palotti: Audrey, you're too damn nice. That's your problem. Nice gets you nothing in this town. It's dog-eat-dog. You gotta be a killer to get ahead. You know what I'm sayin'?
"I have to agree with Lucy on this one, Audrey. You gotta be a completely miserable asshole if you're gonna make it in this city." Sean said.
Ryoma: (Narrating) But then Audrey sees Nick on television and immediately starts getting googly-eyed over him. I'm guessin' she's still into him like he's still into her. But enough about the romance subplot, as cut to an average rainy day in New York and all of the New Yorkers getting into their busy everyday lives. Also, how can we not forget this famous scene from the teaser trailer with the old guy fishing. That's the only scene in the movie that lived up to the hype. It's a shame that they didn't add the museum scene from the teaser trailer.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Godzilla arrives in New York, and he starts wrecking the city. And I absolutely love this scene. That scene is the reason why I came back to this movie, just to see Godzilla destroying stuff. We then cut to campaign rally where we see the mayor of New York named Mayor Ebert, played by the late Michael Lerner.
"Really? Mayor Ebert. And he has an aide named Gene. Okay, when I watched this movie as a kid, I immediately realized that they're making fun of Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert." Sean said as a picture of Siskel & Ebert are shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Plus, Mayor Ebert even does the two thumbs up trademark like my favorite movie critics. (Sees Mayor Ebert doing the signature two thumbs up trademark)
Ryoma: (Narrating) You wanna know why they're making fun of Siskel & Ebert in this movie? Because Roland Emmerich was getting revenge on them because they gave Stargate and Independence Day bad reviews. Well, if you wanna make fun of those two, why don't you have them appear in your movie and have them get squashed by him?
Sean: (Narrating) But anyway, Mayor Ebert's re-election campaign gets interrupted by Godzilla, trying to do his impersonation of the monster from Cloverfield and everybody freaks out.
(The creature is hidden in the smoke and rubble. The crowd start running while a cabbie sees the creature and mouths "Oh, shit!")
Mayor Ebert (Played by Michael Lerner): Move it! Let's get outta here!
(The cabbie starts running for his life with the crowd while the creature stomps throughout the streets of New York)
"Okay, the cabbie's reaction is the best part of the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Gotta give props to the extra. He's putting his heart and soul into that performance. I just love how he says "Oh, shit!" right when he sees the monster.
Ryoma: (Narrating) As Godzilla stomps through the city and scaring the crap out of people, he goes past the news station as Caiman's secretary, played by Nancy Cartwright, sees him walk by.
(Caiman's secretary turns around and sees Godzilla walking past the news station while Caiman is on the phone. She drops her phone in shock)
Charles Caiman: (On the phone) Sorry. I just don't give a rat's ass about a war in some country whose name I can't even pronounce. How about a real story?
Caiman's Secretary (Played by Nancy Cartwright): S-s-s-sir? I-I think your story just walked by the window.
(Caiman turns around and doesn't see anything)
Charles Caiman: What?
"Hold on, hold on. So you have Harry Shearer, Hank Azaria and Nancy Cartwright in the same movie." Ryoma said.
"I swear, if Dan Castellaneta is in this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) As Audrey talks about Nick to Lucy and Animal, they spot Godzilla stomping through the city, so he decides to run out there to get the perfect shot on camera. Pipe down, Scorsese. You're not trying to get the perfect shot, you're just getting footage of Godzilla on camera while you're busy risking your life.
Victor "Animal" Palotti: (While trying to push the tape in the camera) Come on! Come on!
(Animal pushes the tape inside the camera and begins to film Godzilla until he sees his foot getting ready to slam down on him. Animal screams as Godzilla slams his foot down on him. We see that Animal is not harmed as Godzilla walks away. A stunned Animal turns around and sees Godzilla walking away and damaging some buildings with his tail. Animal starts to laugh after his close call with death)
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that he shat his pants after his brush with death." Ryoma said.
(A farting sound effect plays as Animal turns around to see Godzilla walking away)
Ryoma: (Narrating) So, Nick and the military arrive at the mobile command center in New Jersey as Sergeant O'Neal, played by Doug Savant, updates Colonel Hicks on the situation and the whereabouts of the creature.
Colonel Hicks: Where is he now?
Sergeant O'Neal (Played by Doug Savant): We, uh, we lost sight of it, sir.
Colonel Hicks: You want to run that by me again?
Sergeant O'Neal: Uh, a-after it's initial a-attack, he, uh, disappeared.
Sean and Ryoma both look at the camera in pure silence for a moment before saying a word.
"WHAT?!" Sean and Ryoma both yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) How the hell do you lose a giant monster? It should not be that hard to miss. What? You can't track it down. A creature that size would definitely leave a bunch of obvious tracks behind. Hell, it's left some of it's tracks in New York.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: I don't understand. How could something so big just disappear?
Sergeant O'Neal: W-w-we're not sure, but we're scanning the area now.
Dr. Elsie Chapman: Yeah, yeah. He probably returned to the river.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Well, I don't think so. I mean, look at it. It's perfect. An island, water on all sides. But like no other island in the world, this is a place where he can easily hide.
"THAT DOESN'T EVEN HELP!" Sean yelled out. "This isn't Where's Waldo, where you can try to spot him at a given location."
(Godzilla, dressed as Waldo from Where's Waldo?, is superimposed over the New York skyscrapers)
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that he'll be hiding in one of the buildings or hiding underground. If he was hiding underground, then the people on the top would probably feel the ground shaking." Ryoma said.
Ryoma: (Narrating) But enough about that now, Audrey gets googly-eyed over Nick and she tells her boss that she got a lead, but instead he acts like a total douche towards her. But don't worry, she swipes his ID badge, so the joke's on him. So yeah, everybody in New York evacuate the city while Caiman looks over the damage caused by the disappearing Godzilla.
Charles Caiman: In what city officials are describing as the worst act of destruction since the World Trade Center bombing…
"Nope. Nope. I am not going there. I am not going to make that joke. Forget it, movie. Just forget it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Just take a look at the long line of destruction that Godzilla has left, he even went through the MetLife building and it's still standing. Damn, New York architecture is strong as fuck!
Ryoma: (Narrating) You know, we've been spending a lot of time with these characters that we don't care for and it's starting to get a little boring, but where's Godzilla? People pay good money to see Godzilla, not seeing characters that are important to the movie.
Mayor Ebert: (Sees the evacuation from his helicopter) Aw, this is great! If I'm wrong on this evacuation, they'll string me up from the Liberty Torch.
Gene (Played by Lorry Goldman): Didn't we agree that we weren't gonna have any sweets until after the election?
(Gene tries to grab the bag of candy from out of Mayor Ebert's hand, but Mayor Ebert stops him)
Mayor Ebert: Back off, Gene.
"And what do you know, they fight like Siskel and Ebert. You are so lame, movie." Ryoma said.
Mayor Ebert: (To the reporters) Oh. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I share your concerns. I wanna get this city back in business as soon as possible. Please.
Philippe Roche: La Rochelle Insurance.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, great. Jean Reno again. At least him and Hank Azaria are the most enjoyable parts of the movie. Anyway, we see that Philippe has arrives in New York and he puts a bug on Mayor Ebert. Why did he put a bug on him? Well, here's the thing: turns out he's an agent for the French secret service. I just wanna get that out of the way because I'm getting bored here. Now, any sign of Godzilla yet?
(Philippe, who's listening in on the military looks at a donut)
Philippe Roche: No croissant?
Jean-Luc (Played by Christian Aubert): No, monsieur.
(Philippe drinks some coffee and gets disgusted by it)
Philippe Roche: (Groans) You call this coffee?
Jean-Luc: I call this America.
"Hey, I don't care if your people are the ones responsible for nuclear testing, but don't you dare, don't you dare diss coffee and donuts, Frenchie. If you wanna diss us Americans, maybe we should diss you guys. How's that sound? Huh? Maybe a little ketchup on your croissant. That'll definitely piss you off." Sean said.
Ryoma: (Narrating) So anyway, the French secret service are listening in on the military and Mayor Ebert about the whereabouts of Godzilla, which Mayor Ebert is not happy about.
Colonel Hicks: We have a strong reason to believe it may be hiding inside one of the buildings within the restricted area.
Mayor Ebert: But you don't know for sure!
"Well, there you go! He's hiding in one of the buildings. Just look for a building with a tail sticking out. It's not that obvious. He's probably hiding out inside the Citigroup Center." Ryoma said.
(A picture of the Citigroup Center building is shown with Godzilla's tail sticking out)
Sean: (V/O as Godzilla) Heh. They'll never find me in here. What a bunch of dorks.
Sean: (Narrating) But instead of Godzilla hiding out inside a building, he's probably hiding out in the subway. But Dr. Titopoulos…
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: It's Tatopoulos.
Sean: (Narrating) …whatever, has an idea on how to lure the creature out. And that idea involves fish. Giant piles of fish. Seriously? Lizards eating fish? Don't they know that lizards eat bugs. Also, I just love this moment involving Philippe drinking coffee.
(Philippe drinks some coffee, but then he gets disgusted)
Philippe Roche: (Groans) You said this was French Roast.
Jean-Philippe (Played by Francois Giroday): (Holding a can of French Roast coffee while speaking in French) Ben, qui, regardez. C'est marque French Roast.
(Philippe stays quiet for a bit)
Philippe Roche: More cream.
(Cut to Nick and the military as they try to lure Godzilla out with fish after they dump it on the ground into a giant pile)
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: (To O'Neal) That's a lot of fish.
(O'Neal simply just looks at Nick)
"I would've went with "this whole thing seems a little fishy", but this'll do." Sean said.
Mayor Ebert: Look at all that friggin' fish.
"Uh, what?" Ryoma asked with a confused look on his face.
Mayor Ebert: Look at all that *friggin'* fish.
"Come again?" Sean asked.
Mayor Ebert: Look at all that friggin' fish.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not what you said." Sean said, referring to the dubbed f-word.
Ryoma: (Narrating) So, the military waits for Godzilla and they open the manhole covers so he can smell the fish. Either that or he's trying to unleash the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But instead, it's just Godzilla dropping by for dinner.
(The ground cracks as Nick sees this)
Ryoma: (V/O as Nick) Looks like Bugs Bunny made a wrong turn again. Did I mention that was a lot of fish?
Sean: (Narrating) And then Godzilla reveals himself and… he's a giant iguana. Yeah, let's talk about the design. I'm a bit mixed about the design of Godzilla. I like it, but it's not very Godzilla. Patrick Tatopoulos (A picture of production designer Patrick Tatopoulos is shown) who was the production designer for Independence Day, designed Godzilla. Even though it's not a bad monster design, I would've went with a better design for Godzilla, which is Stan Winston designed Godzilla, which looks like the classic Godzilla, but updated (Stan Winston's design of Godzilla is shown). Not only that, but Stan Winston also designed the creature that Godzilla was going to fight in the movie and it looked awesome (A picture of the Gryphon designed by Stan Winston is shown). But instead, they weren't used for this movie, so where stuck with this Godzilla who looks like he has a bigger chin than Jay Leno's (A picture of Jay Leno is shown).
(Nick photographs Godzilla. Godzilla notices the flash of light and leans in to sniff Nick)
Sean: (V/O as Godzilla) Hi, there.
(The military get ready to move in, but Nick signals them not to harm Godzilla)
"Oh, don't worry. I'm sure that the military is not going to harm Godzilla. I mean, look at him, he's harmless." Ryoma said.
(Godzilla makes his way over to the big pile of fish and starts eating it while Nick is busy taking pictures of him. O'Neal sticks his head out and sees Godzilla)
Sergeant O'Neal: We need bigger guns.
"Movie, are you trying to be like Jaws here? Stop trying to be a good movie here." Sean said.
Ryoma: (Narrating) Hicks orders O'Neal and his men to open fire on Godzilla and….
(Godzilla ducks down as two missiles approach him. The missiles then hit the Flatiron Building, destroying it)
(A clip from JonTron is shown)
JonTron: You fucking idiots!
Sean: (Narrating) But then Godzilla retaliates by… (Sees Godzilla running away) …running away like a scared little animal. Are you… are you serious?! Why is he running away like a defenseless animal? See, this is what pissed off Godzilla fans. In the Japanese movies, Godzilla is an unstoppable force of nature that's similar to a walking earthquake or nuclear explosion. In this one, he's just a scared little bitch. This is Godzilla we're talking about here. He's not supposed to be afraid of the military. (Cut to a clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm where we see Batman getting chased and shot at by the GCPD) Look, it's perfectly natural for a human being to run away if they're being shot at. Batman ran away from the GCPD while they were shooting at him and he's trying to avoid getting arrested since he was framed for murder.
"Let me tell you something, if Iron Man did that in a movie, then we would be like something's not right." Sean said.
"Also, I would like to point this out: director Roland Emmerich said he wanted his Godzilla to be fast and agile instead of him moving slow like in the original." Ryoma said.
Ryoma: (Narrating) Even though Godzilla runs away like a bitch, he manages to make the military look like a bunch of complete idiots.
(One of the helicopters fire missiles at Godzilla. He ducks down and moves away as the missiles end up destroying the Chrysler Building)
Apache Pilot (Played by Terence Paul Winter) Aw, damn. Uh- - that is a negative impact. I repeat: negative impact.
Radio Technician #3 (Played by Ben Bode): Negative impact, sir.
Mayor Ebert: Negative impact? That's the goddamned Chrysler Building we're talking about.
"Christ! The army can't aim for shit!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) The military are causing more property damage than Godzilla does in this movie.
Mayor Ebert: You've caused more damage than that goddamn thing did!
"See? Even Mayor Ebert even agrees with us. You guys suck at your job." Ryoma said.
Ryoma: (Narrating) So the military continue to act like the Stormtroopers from Star Wars and can't aim for shit by causing millions of dollars worth of property damage, until they manage to corner Godzilla at a building that he's hiding out in and they start shooting at him.
(The Apache helicopters start shooting at Godzilla, hurting him. Afterwards, they stop firing)
Apache Pilot: I think we got him.
(Suddenly, Godzilla crashes through a building behind the helicopters and he manages to take out two of the helicopters in the process and audio from Spaceballs is played of Dark Helmet saying "Fooled you!")
Sean: (Narrating) Godzilla chases after the last helicopter, but the guy manages to lose him.
Apache Pilot #2: Ohh, oh- - I think I lost him.
(Suddenly, Godzilla destroys the helicopter before cutting to the "Game Over" screen from Sega Rally Championship with the guy singing "Game over, yeah!")
Ryoma: (Narrating) So yeah, Godzilla makes the military look like complete idiots and after he dry-humps a building and letting New York know that his dick is bigger than this building, Godzilla disappears again. Are you kidding me? What is wrong with the military in this movie? Are they looking down at the ground for quarters? What are they doing?!
Sergeant O'Neal: I- - I can't believe it. I mean- - He did all of this, and, uh, we did nothin' to him.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Oh, that's not true. We fed him.
"Dude, seriously? A lot of good soldiers just died and you're trying to be funny. God, you're an asshole." Sean said. "Also, you did try to kill him in the process. The few, the proud, the dumbasses."
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, back to the romance subplot because that's really important to the movie, as Audrey makes it back into the city and bumps into Nick at the pharmacy and the two of them start to reconnect by catching up on old times.
Audrey Timmonds: You're still mad at me?
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Well, you left without a phone call, a letter, nothing. All this time- - yeah. Yeah. I guess I am still a little mad.
Audrey Timmonds: That was eight years ago. Some people change.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Most people don't.
"Um, you do realize that there's a giant lizard running around New York, right?" Ryoma asked.
Audrey Timmonds: (Sighs) Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
(Audrey begins to walk off)
"Alright, good. Now, we can get back to God…" Ryoma said.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Audrey.
"…damn it!" Ryoma exclaimed.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: You're right. Eight years is a long time. Can I make ya a cup of tea?
Audrey Timmonds: (Smiles at Nick) Sure. That'd be nice.
"You had me there at tea." Sean said, imitating Audrey before speaking in his normal voice. "Kill me. Just fucking kill me."
Ryoma: (Narrating) Audrey hangs out with Dr. Tucanopoulos…
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: It's Tatopoulos.
Ryoma: (Narrating) …whatever, at his research station as they talk about old times and reconnecting until Nick makes a stunning discovery about Godzilla.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: (After he sees the results) He's pregnant.
Audrey Timmonds: He is?
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: He- - a very unusual he. I mean, obviously, these tests weren't designed for this, but fundamentally, they look for the same hormonal patterns to indicate pregnancy.
"Movie, you do realize that over-the-counter pregnancy tests that are sold to human customers are designed to detect human enzymes. It only works for humans, not lizards. Also, Godzilla pregnant? I mean, how is that even possible? Shouldn't he get a mate who would end up getting pregnant by him?" Ryoma asked.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Not if he reproduces asexually.
(A clip from Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery is shown)
Benoit Blanc (Played by Daniel Craig): It's so dumb.
Birdie Jay (Played by Kate Hudson): It's so dumb, it's brilliant.
Benoit Blanc: NO! It's just dumb!
Sean: (Narrating) While Nick leaves his research station, Audrey takes notice of the photos that he's kept of her. Yeah, we get it, movie, he still loves her. Either that or she finds it creepy. But this gives her the opportunity to make it big in the news business when she swipes a top-secret videotape from him so she can use it for her story.
(A clip from Friends is shown)
Rachel Green (Played by Jennifer Aniston): (Sighs) Weather bitch.
Ryoma: (Narrating) Anyway, the military continue their search for Godzilla as the military look through the tunnels, but their search is not helped by the fact that they are blind as a bat.
(One of the soldiers come across a dead end)
Soldier #1: (Whispering) Anything?
Soldier #2: Nah. Nothin' down here. Nothin' at all.
(The soldier walks away, but he doesn't even notice's the dead end move, which happens to be Godzilla's head and we see that his eye is open)
"Oh, really now. You didn't even notice that shit?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Audrey does her story and when she talks to the network manager about it and shows him the tape, Caiman gets the opportunity to steal the story from her. Man, Kent Brockman is a dick. Anyway, Nick informs the military that the creature has laid eggs and they have to find the nest as soon as possible or New York will be infested by these mini creatures. But, they have bigger problems when they see Caiman's news report and Nick is to blame for leaking the footage.
General Anderson (Played by Chris Ellis): You went to the press with this?
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: No. No, I haven't talked to anyone.
General Anderson: They mentioned you by name!
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Yeah. Yeah!
Colonel Hicks: You gave them the tape?
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: No, I didn't- - No, I didn't give them the tape. No, it's in my tent right now. (Realizes that Audrey took the tape) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. She took it.
"See? This is why you should never trust journalists." Ryoma said.
Ryoma: (Narrating) And because of his carelessness, or mostly because he wants to tap that ass, Nick gets kicked off of the team and now Nick is pissed off at Audrey for what she's done.
Audrey Timmonds: Is it 'cause of me? 'Cause of the story?
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Well, what did you think was gonna happen?
Audrey Timmonds: You never said it was off the record.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: I shouldn't have to, Audrey. You were supposed to be my friend. I trusted you.
"You know, this movie is only 2 hours and 20 minutes and we're dealing with the third act break-up in a romantic comedy. I've paid good money to see Godzilla, not Ferris Bueller and Tina Calcatera from Providence. You're boring us here, Emmerich!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Audrey tells Nick the truth that she's not a reporter and she needed a story so badly that would help her career, but instead, Nick tells that dumb bitch to fuck off and he hops onto a cab and makes his way to Newark Airport, but instead of going to the airport, he ends up getting kidnapped. Well, this give me a reason not to trust Uber or taxi cab drivers.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Stop the car right now!
(The driver stops the cab)
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: All right. Now, let me out of here!
(The driver pushes the window open, revealing himself to be Philippe)
Philippe Roche: I'm afraid I can't do that.
(Nick recognizes Philippe)
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Hey, I know you, don't I?
"Well, of course you know him, he was on The Pink Panther with Steve Martin. And he was also Leon the Professional." Ryoma said.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Yeah. Yeah, you're that insurance guy.
Philippe Roche: Agent Philippe Roache, D.G.S.E. Direction Generale Des Services Exterieurs.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Sounds big.
Philippe Roache: (Shows Nick his ID) French secret service.
"We're are like the American secret service, except we do not wear deodorant. But we still make very passionate lovers." Sean said, imitating Philippe.
Ryoma: (Narrating) Philippe takes Nick into a warehouse, where we see that they're getting ready for World War III. Also, he tells Nick that his country was responsible for creating Godzilla and now they're here to clean it up. So, Nick teams up with the French to look for the nest while Animal spies on them before heading back to tell Audrey, who's all heartbroken over Nick.
Audrey Timmonds: It's all my fault. (Sighs) Oh, what have I done, Animal? What have I become? Look at me. This isn't me. I don't do stuff like this. (Sobs)
Victor 'Animal' Palotti: You made a mistake. All right. It happens.
Audrey Timmonds: Yeah, well, I just totally screwed-up with the only man who'll ever care about me.
"Seriously? We're going to go back on this romantic-comedy subplot? Enough with this shit!" Ryoma explained.
Sean: (Narrating) Animal tells Audrey that he followed Nick so he can try to talk some sense into him and says that he saw him talking to the French and that they're going to sneak back into the city to find the nest and that if he finds it, then Audrey should be the one to cover it and let the whole world know that he was right.
Audrey Timmonds: What? You want me to follow him into the city?
Victor 'Animal' Palotti: Yeah. We both will.
"Can it be just Hank Azaria going in there by himself?" Sean asked.
Ryoma: (Narrating) Anyway, back to Nick and the French as they dress up as soldiers and chew gum to make it look like they're more American. Oh, I'm sure that they'll pass for American.
Tunnel Guard (Played by Stoney Westmoreland): Who you boys with?
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Ah, we're with the 3-2, sir.
Tunnel Guard: (To Nick) I didn't ask you, soldier.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Uh, well, Sergeant O'Neal just called down for us. He wants us to join him right now, sir. Thank you.
Tunnel Guard: (To Roache) You got a problem talkin'?
Philippe Roache: (Southern accent) Why, no, sir, I'm fine.
Tunnel Guard: All right. Keep it movin'.
Philippe Roache: Why, thank you very much.
(They drive off as Nick looks at Roache)
Philippe Roache (In his normal voice) Elvis Presley movies. He was the king.
"Could've been worse. He could've done his impersonation of Bugs Bunny." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Roach while impersonating Bugs Bunny) Eh, what's up, doc? I've seem to have takin a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Any giant lizards movin' around in the subway? (Narrating, in his normal voice) Anyway, while Dr. Tatopoulos…
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: It's Tatop…
"No, no, no. I said it right. That joke was getting too old and annoying. Come on, it's not that hard to say 'Tatopoulos'." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Dr. Tatopoulos and the French are making their way into the subway tunnel, we see that Animal and Audrey have made their way inside too. So, while all that is going on, the military attempt to lure Godzilla out with fish because that plan worked once. Remember when you clowns shot at him.
Sean: (V/O as Godzilla) Hi, there! Just let me get to my food. Just don't shoot. I know you guys are sorry for shooting at me. (Sees the big pile of fish) Whoa, that's a lot of fish. Wait a minute, I know your game here, Tom Scavo. And I ain't fallin' for that shit!
(Godzilla roars)
Sergeant O'Neal: He's leaving! Damn it! Fire! Fire at will!
(The military start shooting at Godzilla while he runs away from him. They don't hit Godzilla, but they end up causing more damage to the city)
"And the military is causing more damage to the city because they can't aim for shit." Ryoma said.
Ryoma: (Narrating) So the military go after Godzilla while he's running away like a scared little bitch. He dives back into the water, but there's a little surprise waiting for him when the Navy has a group of submarines out to get him. So they open fire on him, hopefully, they end up hitting him.
(Godzilla swims over to one of the submarines)
Anchorage Ensign #1: Sir, the target's heading right at us!
Anchorage Captain (Played by David Pressman): All back full!
Anchorage Ensign #2: Aye, aye, sir. All back full.
(Godzilla continues to swim towards the USS Anchorage)
Anchorage Ensign #3: Stand by for impact in ten seconds- -/Six, five, four, three, two, one.
(A clip from The Hunt for Red October is shown as we see that the Konovalov's own torpedo is about to strike the Konovalov)
Andrei Bonovia (Played by Krzystof Janczar): (To Tupolev) You arrogant ass. You've killed *us*!
(Cut back to the movie as we see that their own torpedo hits them, destroying the sub)
"And immediately, he makes the military look like a bunch of idiots." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Godzilla makes his way back into the city, the Navy managed to hit him. In other words, he's dead. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that he's dead. Anyway, Nick and the French make their way into the tunnels and they come across the destroyed Madison Square Garden. And to top it off, they find Godzilla's eggs. A whole bunch of eggs in Madison Square Garden. So, the French start putting explosives on the eggs, but then Nick feels something moving inside this giant Kinder egg.
(The egg hatches, revealing a baby Godzilla)
"Oh, thank God. I thought the babies were going to look like this." Ryoma said as a picture of Minilla from Son of Godzilla is shown.
Ryoma: (Narrating) Now, I do have to say that the offspring look adorable, but they're vicious. As they go after Nick and the French and Audrey and Animal because they smell like fish. And we see that Roland Emmerich has been inspired by Jurassic Park because he rips it off. Anyway, Godzilla's offspring attacks some of Roache's men as Roache tells Nick to contact the military to send a bomber to blow up Madison Square Garden, but no luck.
Sean: (Narrating) Roache and whatever's left of his team try to hold off the mini terrors, but two more of his men end up getting killed. As for Nick, he ends up getting chased by those things. Anyway, he bumps into Philippe and Audrey and Animal bump into Nick and Philippe as they try to find a way to contact the military, but Audrey knows a way how to get a message to the outside. Well, they better hurry because they have a bunch of those things on their tails.
Audrey Timmonds: The network is on an intranet. It's a direct feed into our computer system.
Ryoma: (Narrating) Audrey manages to broadcast live so that the military could see that the eggs are in Madison Square Garden. Well, that completes Audrey's story arc for her being a capable reporter. You know what, I don't care. It's just boring. As a matter of fact, how about a better solution to the Baby Godzilla problem, how about you get them all together in the lobby and get them wet and electrocute them? (The scene from Gremlins 2: The New Batch is shown as we see the Gremlins getting wet and electrocuted)
Colonel Hicks: That's affirmative! Let me spell it out for you. I want you to blow up Madison Square Garden!
"But where will I go see the Knicks games at? I always go to Madison Square Garden." Sean said, imitating a soldier.
"It's either that or the Empire State Building." Ryoma said, imitating Colonel Hicks.
"Madison Square Garden it is. I mean, we already destroyed half of the city." Sean said, imitating the soldier.
Sean: (Narrating) They get a message telling them that the military says that they got less than six minutes before they blow up Madison Square Garden and they gotta get out of the building immediately.
Philippe Roache: Okay, party's over. Time to leave.
(Nick, Audrey and Animal move out of the way as Philippe shoots out the window and throws a rope out of the window)
"Still the most awesome character of the movie." Ryoma said.
Ryoma: (Narrating) With the military on their way to blow up the building, our heroes hightail it out of there, which they do. And the military blow up Madison Square Garden, except this time they had a reason to blow it up. I still say the White House blowing up in Independence Day was more iconic than this.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Godzilla is dead, his offspring is dead and Nick and Audrey get back together and New York City is safe, the…
(Suddenly, Godzilla, who's still alive, appears from out of the ruins of Madison Square Garden)
"Ah, shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So much for this movie ending. Anyway, Godzilla is still alive and he sees that his babies are dead, so now he's pissed off, which leads to another chase scene and more of Emmerich ripping off Jurassic Park. And we're about two hours in and we're waiting for the movie to be over. Anyway, they drive past O'Neal and tosses him the cab ID. Also, since Godzilla is not allowed to use his atomic breath, he suddenly breathes fire. Dude, he's not a dragon! Anyway, O'Neal contacts Nick on the radio and he has an idea on how to take out Godzilla.
Sergeant O'Neal: Listen to me, you guys have got to lure him out into the open so we can get a clear shot at him.
"Get a clear shot at him? You guys realize that you can't aim for shit, right?" Ryoma asked.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: Where's the nearest suspension bridge?
Audrey Timmonds: Um, Brooklyn.
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: (To Roache) Let's go.
Philippe Roache: And how would you like us to do that?
Dr. Nick Tatopoulos: This thing have high beams?
(Roache drives up to Godzilla and turns on the cab's high beams, blinding Godzilla)
Sean: (V/O as Godzilla) AHHHHH! YOU SHITBRAINS! YOU BLINDED ME WITH BRIGHT LIGHTS! Get your asses back here! (Narrating, in normal voice) They get to the Brooklyn Bridge but end up getting caught in Godzilla's mouth.
Victor 'Animal' Palotti: You gotta be kiddin' me, man! We're in his mouth! We're in his mouth!
Ryoma: (Narrating) Nick grabs a wire and electrocutes Godzilla's mouth and they drive out of there. Godzilla chases them and end up getting caught in the bridge's suspension cables, giving the military the opportunity to shoot at him.
(The Air Force fire missiles at Godzilla and manage to hit him)
"Nice job, you guys managed to hit Godzilla. Boy, no wonder this Godzilla got his ass kicked by the OG Godzilla in Final Wars." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Godzilla gets hit with a few more missiles and dies and they rip-off Kong's death in from the 1976 version of King Kong where they listen to his heart stop beating. God, you suck.
Ryoma: (Narrating) Anyway, happy ending! Godzilla is dead due to the efforts of the military, even though they caused more damage. And movie had to throw in one more Siskel and Ebert joke.
Mayor Ebert: Wait. Wait. We can use this. "The Mayor Who Destroyed Godzilla."
Gene: I don't think we should exploit this. It could backfire.
Mayor Ebert: Listen to me, idiot, I do the thinkin' around here.
Gene: "Idiot"?
Mayor Ebert: It's a magnificent idea.
Gene: You know what I think about you and your campaign?
(Gene gives Ebert a thumbs down gesture and walks away)
"Yeah, that's what most of the reviews of the movie are gonna be like anyway." Ryoma said.
Sean: (Narrating) Audrey tells Caiman that she quits and Roache says au revoir to Nick and leaves. And they all live happily ever after…
(We cut to the burning ruins of Madison Square Garden, where we see the only surviving egg hatching and roars, setting up the follow-up animated series featuring the now fully-grown Zilla hatchling)
"Until they sequel bait us. Well, the only good thing that movie gave us was the animated series and that one was pretty good and people like it a lot better than this movie." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie was a box office bomb, but it was profitable and became the third highest-grossing movie of 1998. Even though this movie had some problems, I've enjoyed it. But we do get a better Godzilla movie in 2014.
Ryoma: (Narrating) There are a ton of problems with this movie, you plot holes all over the place, the movie will bore you with most parts, the characters are bland and boring except for Hank Azaria and Jean Reno. You have some pretty good practical effects and some entertaining moments. With me being a fan of Godzilla, my issue is with how they made Godzilla. He's not a creature that runs away like a coward, you see, Godzilla is represented as nuclear weapons and the fear of damage that they cause. Either he's a hero (Showa Era), a creature that shapes the future (Heisei Era), a vengeful spirit of Japanese citizens (Millennium Era, GMK Giant Monster All-Out Attack) or a representative of survivor's guilt (Godzilla Minus One). In this one, he represents being a coward. Godzilla is not a coward and that's what pissed off Godzilla fans.
Sean: (Narrating) You can tell that this movie is made by someone who isn't a fan. Things like his atomic breath and being invulnerable to conventional weapons are missing. The movie took the "God" out of Godzilla with fans calling him "Zilla" or "Gino" which means Godzilla In Name Only. Hell, even Toho took some shots of this version of Godzilla in Godzilla: Final Wars. Hell, why couldn't this movie be a remake of The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms? That would've been more accurate. But instead, they made it Godzilla. That was a total fail. Like I said, it's one of those movies that I consider it to be in the "so bad, it's good" category. This is one movie that you're gonna have to see and believe. If you've heard about the movie, then don't torture yourself with it. Godzilla comes in at 2 giant piles of fish out of 5.
"Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic." Sean said.
"And I'm Ryoma the Craze Critic." Ryoma said.
"And I'll see you guys next time. And hopefully, I don't review another movie from this joker ever again." Sean said.
(Posters for The Day After Tomorrow, 2012 and White House Down are shown)
"Son of a bitch." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Look at all that friggin' fish.
Whew! What a rush. Man, sorry it took awhile to finish this chapter, but don't worry, hopefully you all like it. I would just like to thank Death5cythe97 for co-reviewing this chapter with me. So, what are your thoughts on Godzilla 1998? Did you like it? Did you hate it? Me, I liked it, even though it has it's moments and tends to be boring at most times. Next time of The Mayhem Critic, Sean the Mayhem Critic and Lucas a.k.a. UltimateWarriorFan4Ever take a look at a new batch of commercials in Rogue One: Commercials XII. After the commercials special, it's back to movie reviews as Sean the Mayhem Critic looks at Death Wish 3. Don't forget to leave a review, follow this story for future updates. If you have any requests for a movie or a TV show for me to review, then feel free to leave a comment or PM me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.