The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker, and welcome back to another hilarious chapter. I know it's been awhile since I've updated this story, but I'll do my best to bring you a bunch of updates to bring on the laughs. When we last left off, Sean and Lucas took a look at some more commercials in Rogue One: Commercials XII. Today, Sean is traveling back to the year 1984 as he talks about one of his favorite movies from his childhood. And that movie is The Neverending Story. It's been 40 years since the movie was released, but does it still hold up well. Spoiler Alert: It does! The sequels: Not so much. So, let's sit back, relax and enjoy the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. The Neverending Story is owned by Warner Bros., Producers Sales Organization, Neue Constantin Film and Bavaria Film.
Episode 216
The Neverending Story
(We open with the Mayhem Critic intro. After the intro ends, we then cut to our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his red couch in his living room while drinking a red Solo cup filled with lemonade as he gets ready to start his introduction)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Well, this is it. It's about damn time. I'm finally gonna review this one. In fact, this is one of my favorite movies from my childhood that holds a special place in my heart. A movie that deals with imagination. Of course, I'm talking about the timeless classic known as The Neverending Story." Sean said.
(The title screen for "The Neverending Story" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the theme song by Limahl plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this movie? It kicks ass! Released in theaters on July 20th, 1984 and based on the 1979 novel by German novelist Michael Ende, the film was directed by Wolfgang Petersen. Hey, gotta fill my Wolfgang Petersen quota since I already reviewed two of his movies (Posters for In the Line of Fire and Air Force One are shown). When the film came out, people fell in love with it. The movie had some great visuals, creative characters, some real legit drama and a complex story. And let's not forget about the amazing visual effects, I know it looks dated but it still looks great. So when the movie was re-released in theaters back in July, you bet your sweet ass that I went to go see it. Hell, my mom and my girlfriend tagged along as well. It was my girlfriend's first time watching the movie. I remember when I was little, my mom got it on VHS and we both watched it, I instantly fell in love with the movie. Not only the film was a big hit in theaters, it spawned two sequels and an animated series. It's been 40 years since this movie amazed us and we're going to see how well it holds up with it's most awesome elements and some of the less awesome elements. This is a good movie and I'm pretty sure that there are some questionable moments in it. So, let's dive right in.
"This is one of my favorite movies of all time, The Neverending Story." Sean said.
(The movie opens with a series of clouds while the theme song plays)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie begins as we see some ominous cloud patterns and we get the one thing that we remember most from this movie is the song.
Limahl: (Sings) Turn around, look at what you see. In her face, the mirror of your dreams…
Sean: (Narrating) The theme song, performed by Limahl, is one of the best kick-ass theme songs of all time. And it's even one of the most catchiest songs of all time that will end up getting stuck in your head. Plus, you can thank Stranger Things for bringing the song back in it's third season.
(Cut to a clip from Stranger Things)
Dustin Henderson (Played by Gaten Matarazzo): (Sings to Suzie) Turn around, look at what you see. In her face, the mirror of your dreams.
Suzie Bingham (Played by Gabriella Pizzolo) and Dustin Henderson: (Sings) Make believe I'm everywhere. I'm hidden in the lines. Written on the pages is the pages to a neverending story.
"You know, you have lives in danger from the friggin' Mind Flayer and you're busy singing that song just to get the damn code! I blame you, Duffer Brothers." Sean said as he points directly at the camera. "I mean, imagine lives are in danger and suddenly your girlfriend wants you to sing that song."
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, playing a S.W.A.T. captain, giving orders to his team)
Sean: Alright, we have a psycho holding people hostage. He is armed with an Uzi and he's not afraid to kill anyone. Now, our sniper is going to get a clear shot at that bastard and…
(Suddenly, Sean's phone starts ringing and he answers)
Sean: (On the phone) Hello? Hey, babe. Uh, it's not the right time. I'm trying to save some hostages here. Could you call back later? What? Oh, come on! Now? It's not the right time. Wha… fine. (Sings) Turn around, look at what you see…
Brian: (Off-screen) Are you singing right now?!
Sean: Hey, shut the fuck up! My girlfriend requested it.
(A gunshot is heard)
Sean: Goddamn it! I didn't give you the order to fire!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) After the opening credits end, we're introduced to our main character Bastian Bux, played by Barrett Oliver, who's mother has recently died. So, it's just him and his father, played by Gerald McRaney, who's a little concerned about his son.
Bastian's Father (Played by Gerald McRaney): I got a call from your math teacher yesterday. She says that you were drawing horses in your math book.
Bastian (Played by Barrett Oliver): Unicorns. They were unicorns.
Bastian's Father: What?
Bastian: Nothing.
"Yeah, the kid drew unicorns in his math book. So, what? Hell, I draw birds in my English textbook." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I would just like to point out that I never thought that Major Dad could be really dull.
Bastian's Father: Now, Bastian, you're old enough to get your head down out of the clouds and start keeping both feet on the ground, right?/Stop dreaming… start facing your problems.
"First you lose your dog, and now your mother. What's next, your grandparents get taken by aliens from another planet?" Sean said, imitating Bastian's father while referencing the movie Cocoon.
Sean: (Narrating) So after his father tells him to stop fantasizing and face reality, nice advice here, Major Dad, Bastian starts his day off like every normal kid in every 80s movie, running into bullies and getting chased by them. What is it that they want? His lunch money.
(The bullies chase Bastian down the alley and they catch up to him. One of the bullies grabs Bastian while the other searches for his lunch money)
1st Bully (Played by Chris Eastman, credited as Drum Garrett): Where's your money, man?
Bastian: I don't have any!
2nd Bully (Played by Darryl Cooksey): No money? Mama's boy is holding out on us.
(The bullies drag Bastian over to a dumpster)
1st Bully: If you ain't got no money on ya, you can go in the garbage can.
Bastian: No. No!
(The bullies throw Bastian in the dumpster. The bullies close the top down and laugh as they leave)
1st Bully: Maybe the chicken can lay an egg in there.
(Bastian pops up from out of the dumpster with a frustrated look on his face, he is seen covered in what appears to be hay)
"Now look what you did. You messed up his Will Byers hairdo." Sean said.
(Bastian walks out of the alley and brushes the hay off of his clothes, but is spotted by the bullies)
1st Bully: Hey, man. Who said you could get out of the garbage?
2nd Bully: Get back in there!
Bastian: No, not again.
(The bullies get ready to approach Bastian)
Bastian: No, not again!
(Bastian starts running as the bullies start chasing him again)
1st Bully: Where do you think you're going, wimp?
(While chasing Bastian, the bullies run into a crowd of people, causing one of them to drop their bottle of liquor)
Sean: (V/O as Man) You kumquat!
(Bastian quickly hides in a shop as the bullies run past the building)
3rd Bully (Played by Nicholas Gilbert): Which way did he go?
1st Bully: He went that way!
2nd Bully: Which way?
1st Bully: That way!
"Boy, these are the most dumbest bullies ever. They never thought of spotting him entering the building." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bastian hides out in an old bookstore, which is owned by Mr. Coreander, played by the late Thomas Hill, who I swear looks like the creepy version of the guy holding the rainbow from the Rainbow Film logo (A picture of the guy holding the rainbow very creepily, which is actually Orson Welles, is shown next to Mr. Coreander). Plus, this guy doesn't take to kindly to children in his store.
Mr. Coreander (Played by Thomas Hill): The video arcade is down the street. Here we just sell small rectangular objects. They're called books. They require a little effort on your part and make no b-b-b-b-beeps. On your way.
Bastian: I know books. I have 186 of them at home.
Mr. Coreander: Ah… comic books.
Bastian: No, I've read Treasure Island, The Last of the Mohicans, Wizard of Oz, Lord of the Rings, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, Tarzan…
"Okay, kid. You've convinced the guy. You know your books." Sean said.
Mr. Coreander: Who are you running away from?
Bastian: Um… just some kids from school.
Mr. Coreander: Why?
Bastian: They wanna throw me in the garbage.
Mr. Coreander: Then why don't you give'em a good punch in the nose? Hmm?
Bastian: Well… I don't know.
"Hey, Mr. Coreander can be a tough guy. One time, he raided a hospital and started shooting at a bunch of reptiles with a Mac-10 while he's dressed as a priest." Sean said, referring to Thomas Hill's character from V: The Final Battle. "Wait, he was actually a priest."
Sean: (Narrating) Bastian sees something that catches his eye. And it's a little book that Mr. Coreander is reading. But, Mr. Coreander tells him that this book is not for him and to forget about it. The phone rings and he goes to answer it while he leaves the book all alone for Bastian to swipe it from underneath his nose. Bastian comes across The Neverending Story and he takes heed of Mr. Coreander's warnings….
(Bastian takes the book and leaves)
Sean: (Narrating) …or he could just take the book from the old fart. But, it was nice of Bastian to leave a note promising to return it.
"Which reminds me. Excuse me one moment." Sean said as he pulls out his notepad and pen as he starts writing something down. 'Taylor, sorry that I ran over your Taylor Swift CD. I will buy you a new one later.'"
Sean: (Narrating) Bastian makes it to school late, but he sees that he's missing out on a math test that's going on in his class. So, he hides out in the school's attic to do some reading. Yeah, don't you just love how schools have dingy old attics. He begins reading The Neverending Story and he becomes entranced in the fantastical world of Fantasia… (VHS cover for Disney's Fantasia is shown) …you wish. Anyway, the story begins as we see something enormous crashing through the woods, which catches the attention of Teeny Weeny, played by Deep Roy, and Night Hob played by Tilo Pruckner. But, it turns out to be this giant mountain-looking thing known as Rockbiter, who is voiced by Alan Oppenheimer.
Rockbiter (Voiced by Alan Oppenheimer): Excuse me, but would it be all right if I joined you this evening? You see, I've been traveling all day. (He gets out of his roller bike and pushes it back before sitting down on the ground, causing it to shake and making Teeny Weeny and Night Hob fall over. He sniffs and sees a bunch of rocks on the ground) Aha! (Laughs) Now I see why you picked this camp.
(Rockbiter picks up a limestone rock)
Rockbiter: A delicious looking limestone rock. (He sniffs it) Nice bouquet. Must be a real vintage year.
Night Hob (Played by Tilo Pruckner): Yes, you're right. Those delicious rocks are the reason we've camped here, alright. (He runs over to Teeny Weeny and talks to him) Is he a nutcase?
Teeny Weeny (Played by Deep Roy): No, he's a Rockbiter
Night Hob: A Rockbi… a Rockbiter?!
Teeny Weeny: Shh!
(Rockbiter takes a bite out of the limestone rock as pieces of it hit the ground)
"So, you have a character that's made of rocks and he eats rocks. Quick question: if he wants to lose a little weight, does he have to watch what he eats, or does he have to chisel it off? You know, a little erosion could help wash that weight off of ya." Sean said as a comedic drum riff plays in the background.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, don't you notice that Teeny Weeny is dressed as Willy Wonka? And you wanna know what's funny, his portrayer Deep Roy played the Oompa Loompas in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
(A clip from The Incredibles is shown)
Bernie Kropp (Voiced by Lou Romano): Coincidence? I think not!
Rockbiter: Where I come from in the North, we used to have exquisite gourmet rocks. Only now… now… they're all gone.
Night Hob: I know how it happened.
Rockbiter: (Holds his hand up) I-I swear it wasn't me.
Teeny Weeny: I think I know what it was. Tell us more.
Rockbiter: Near my home, there used to be a beautiful lake… but then… then it was gone.
Teeny Weeny: Did the lake dry up?
Rockbiter: No. It just wasn't there anymore. Nothing was there anymore. Not even a dried-up lake.
Teeny Weeny: A hole?
Rockbiter: A hole would be something. No, it was Nothing. And it got bigger and bigger.
"You know, this would be the part where we could be seeing some of this stuff happening right now. A little bit of show, don't tell. But here's the thing this is pretty brilliant." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This movie leaves this idea of nothingness leaving to the imagination of the viewer as they talk about the malevolent force known as "The Nothing", which makes us curious to know what does nothing look like. So, it turns out that the three of them are heading to the Ivory Tower to speak to the Empress for help. And we see the malevolent force that's been terrorizing Fantasia.
(Rockbiter sees "The Nothing" devouring more of Fantasia)
Rockbiter: Oh, no.
(Rockbiter watches as some of the land gets ripped apart by "The Nothing")
Rockbiter: The Nothing.
We then cut back to Sean, as he just sits there while staring dramatically.
"Oh, no." Sean said.
(Cut back to footage from the movie as we see "The Nothing" destroying Fantasia)
"I'm gonna just sit there…." Sean said.
(Cut back to the movie)
"And stare dramatically at the camera…." Sean said.
(Cut back to the movie)
"Without fleeing in terror." Sean said.
(We see a tree fall to the ground as Rockbiter flees)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Rockbiter, Night Hob and Teeny Weeny make it to the Ivory Tower, and it's a sight to behold, literally.
Rockbiter: I never knew it was that beautiful.
(We cut to a shot of the Ivory Tower and many shots of it)
"That's right, folks. Take in some of it's beauty. Like I said, this movie has some amazing visuals and this is one of them. Plus, you have the music composed by Klaus Doldinger and Giorgio Moroder accompanying the scene, it's the chef's kiss right there." Sean said.
Night Hob: The home of the Empress.
(We see the Empress' servant, Cairon, played by Moses Gunn, appear to speak to the people of Fantasia)
"Man, that is one ugly Empress." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, this is the Empress' servant Cairon, played by Moses Gunn respectively. He informs the people of Fantasia that the Nothing is destroying their world and some grim news as well. Turns out that the Empress has fallen ill and she can't fight the Nothing because she's dying. So, who's gonna save them?
Cairon (Played by Moses Gunn): The Plains People who hunt the purple buffalo have among them a great warrior, and he alone has a chance to fight the Nothing and save us. He is our only hope. His name… is Atreyu.
Sean: (Narrating) And that great warrior happens to be…
(Atreyu, played by Noah Hathaway, appears before the people of Fantasia, who are surprised to see that Atreyu is just a child)
Bastian: A little boy.
"Okay, come on. Where are the camera? Am I being Punk'd here? Where's the real Atreyu?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out the great warrior Atreyu, played by Noah Hathaway, who is not related to Anne Hathaway, but his father is the music editor for this movie Bob Hathaway. Atreyu is the great warrior sent by the Plains People who could help out the Empress, but Cairon doesn't take him seriously.
Cairon: (Laughs) Not Atreyu the Child. Atreyu the Warrior.
Atreyu (Played by Noah Hathaway): I'm the only Atreyu of the Plains People. But I'll be happy to go back to hunting the purple buffalo.
(Atreyu walks away)
Cairon: No. Wait!
(Atreyu stop and turns around)
Cairon: Come back, please.
(Atreyu approaches Cairon)
Cairon: If you really are the Atreyu we sent for, you would be willing to go on a quest?
Atreyu: Yes, of course. What kind of quest?
Cairon: To find a cure for the Empress. And to save our world.
"This is your main quest. You'll probably do a bunch of side quests along the way." Sean said, imitating Cairon.
Cairon: No one can give you any advice except this. You must go alone, you must leave all your weapons behind.
"What? Why?" Sean asked, looking confused. "Why have him go on this quest alone and no weapons. Shouldn't it make sense for a warrior to go with all of his weapons and probably some reinforcements? It's like sending a soldier into battle without his weapons and gear. You're practically sending this kid to his death!"
Cairon: If you fail, the Empress will surely die. And our whole world will be utterly destroyed.
Sean: (V/O as Cairon) So, you know, no pressure. I'm not sending you to your death.
Sean: (Narrating) Cairon gives Atreyu a medallion known as the Auryn that would help guide and protect him on his quest. And so, Atreyu's quest to save the Empress begins as we get a riding montage and that awesome music score kicks in while we take in this movie's atmosphere. But, Atreyu is the only one alone as a vicious creature sets off in his own quest as well.
(Shrouded in darkness, we see the mysterious creature's glowing green eyes. A flash of lightning reveals the wolf-like creature it runs out of the cave and through the woods)
"Okay, I'm gonna give you guys some time to change your pants, because that was scary as fuck." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Atreyu and his horse Artax take a little break from their quest and decide to have a little snack break.
Atreyu: (To Artax) I know what you want. It's time to eat. Hmm? Good idea.
Bastian: No, it's a great idea!
(Bastian grabs his bookbag and pulls out his lunch and starts eating his sandwich before cutting to Atreyu and Artax eating)
"Well, since they're having a little snack break, I'm gonna have a little snack break myself." Sean said as he picks up a bowl filled with Orville Redenbacher popcorn and starts eating some. "Man, movies need to bring back strong anthems and snack breaks."
(Bastian stops eating his sandwich)
Bastian: No, not too much. We still have a long way to go.
"Uh, did you not think to put the book down when it was time to go home and eat dinner? I mean, I know you're into reading this book, but seriously." Sean said.
(We cut to a montage of Atreu on his quest as we see him traveling past mountains and through a desert)
Sean: (V/O as Atreyu) Hmm, seems like I should've taken that left turn at Albuquerque. (Narrating) Seriously? He couldn't be lost. Penishead didn't even tell him where to go in the first place! That kid has been wandering aimlessly without no idea where to go. They didn't even give him a map. Yeah, the Auryn will guide him, my ass! Plus, you didn't even tell him what's causing the Empress' illness, you just send him off to go look for a cure for her. Anyway, Atreyu and Artax end up at the Swamps of Sadness to look for Morla, the Ancient One, who's the wisest being in Fantasia and his home is in the Shell Mountain.
Bastian: (Narrating) Everyone knew that whoever let the sadness overtake him, would sink to the swamp.
Sean: (Narrating) And this is the scene that we all remember. And if you think that Disney and Don Bluth gave you a kick in the nuts to your childhood, well Wolfgang Petersen is joining the bandwagon with this scene. Because this is the scene that we all remember, the death of Atreyu's horse.
(Atreyu turns around and sees that Artax has stopped moving)
Atreyu: Come on, Artax. What's the matter? What's wrong?
(Atreyu tries to move Artax)
Atreyu: Come on, boy. What's the matter?
(We then see that Artax starts sinking as he gets overcome by the sadness)
Atreyu: Artax, you're sinking! Come on! Turn around! You have to! Now! (Continues to pull on the reigns) Artax!
"Alright, I know that this is a sad scene but I just have but one question: what is the horse sad about?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Are you trying to tell me that the damn horse is suffering from depression? What is Artax supposed to be depressed about?
Atreyu: Artax, you're sinking!
Artax: (Sean's V/O while speaking in his Mr. Ed voice) I'm sorry, Atreyu. My parents never loved me enough.
Atreyu: Come on!
Artax: (V/O) My brother had his mane cut off and he's been sold to a glue factory.
Atreyu: Fight against the sadness, Artax!
Artax: (V/O) My wife and my son left me.
Atreyu: Artax, please. You're letting the sadness of the swamps get to you. You have to try. You have to care.
Artax: (V/O) You're the only one that cares about me, Atreyu.
Atreyu: For me. You're my friend. I love you.
Artax: (V/O) I love you too.
Atreyu: (Yells) ARTAX! STUPID HORSE!
Artax: (V/O) Oh, you called me stupid. Screw you, I guess I'll just die then.
Atreyu: Move, please! I won't give up. Don't quit! ARTAX!
(The screen blacks out)
Artax: (V/O, gurgling) Bye, Atreyu.
(We then cut to Atreyu, as we see him all alone in the swamp as he mourns the death of his horse. We then cut to Bastian, who is seen crying from the death of Artax)
We then cut back to Sean, as we see him trying not to cry from the scene.
"Excuse me for a moment, I think I need a little time to myself. God, this scene is so sad." Sean said as he breaks down in tears and sobs. "I'm sorry, guys. I-I…."
Sean immediately leaves the room while sobbing.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, we've witnessed one of the saddest moments in movie history. Hell, we were devastated. Also, shouldn't Atreyu be sinking to his death as well since he just witnessed his horse sinking to his death? I don't know, I'm just sayin'. But it isn't long as Atreyu arrives at the Shell Mountain and comes across Morla, the Ancient One.
(Atreyu sees Morla's head sticking out of it's shell. We then cut to Bastian scream and back to the story as Atreyu and Morla hear Bastian's screams as they both looked confused)
Sean then breaks down in laughter for a bit. "Okay, I just had a funny thought. When Bastian screamed, he kind of looked like Tom screaming. In fact, let's play this scene with a little editing, shall we?"
(The scene is played back, this time with Bastian's scream replaced with Tom's scream from Tom & Jerry)
"Okay, I think I might've made that scene ten times funny." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Atreyu speaks with the turtle-like Morla the Ancient One, voiced by Robert Easton, as he asks for her help.
Atreyu: Morla, I bring terrible news! Did you know that the Empress is very ill?
Morla (Voiced by Robert Easton): Not that it matters, but yes. Actually, we don't care.
Atreyu: If I don't save her, she'll die! There's a terrible Nothing sweeping over the land! Don't you care about that?
Morla: Actually, we don't care.
Atreyu: If I don't save her, she'll die! There's a terrible Nothing sweeping over the land! Don't you care about that?
Morla: We don't even care whether or not we care.
"Well, you're no help at all." Sean said.
(Morla gets ready to sneeze as Atreyu grips onto the tree for dear life)
Atreyu: Do you have a cold?
Morla: No. We're allergic to you.
(Morla sneezes, causing Atreyu to almost fall off)
"And apparently Tanktup from Banjo-Kazooie is allergic to humans." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Atreyu tries to get answers from Morla on how to help the Empress, but the giant turtle doesn't even care, she only cares about dying. Boy, the swamp is getting to her. Anyway, Morla doesn't know, but tells Atreyu to ask the Southern Oracle, which is 10,000 miles away. In other words, Atreyu is shit out of luck. Back with Bastian, the bell starts to ring, and everybody is heading home. Wait, so he spent all of his time in the attic and missed all of his classes? So much for him taking that math test.
(Bastian looks at the stuffed animals surrounding the room. Bastian gets scared at some of the things in the attic and tries to run out of the attic after he grabs his things. Suddenly, he heads back up)
Bastian: No. Atreyu wouldn't quit now.
"And what's stopping you from getting home and reading the story in a more comfortable setting? I'm just saying." Sean said.
(The sound of thunder startles Bastian as he falls over. A wolf's head falls over and Bastian starts screaming before cutting to Gmork running through the Swamps of Sadness)
"Again, reading this story at home is a more comfortable setting. I'm pretty sure that the attic makes for a nice atmospheric reading environment for our sake, and this wolf head makes for a really scary transition. But, why? Why have this kid in room filled with Norman Bates' taxidermy? I can think of a better place where Bastian could hide out in. How about the school's drama department? He'll probably bump into a scary wolf costume. That would've been better." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back to the story as we see that Atreyu has been in the swamp for twelve minutes when he should've been killed by the swamp while the scary wolf creature comes after him. But just as the sadness overcomes him and he begins to sink, he is saved by a giant flying dog.
Sean: (V/O as Gmork) This time I've got you, you lousy, stinkin'…
(Atreyu grabs onto Falkor and flies off with him)
Sean: (V/O as Gmork) SON OF A BITCH! I'll get you next time, you little shit! And this time, you won't be so lucky!
(Cut back to Bastian as he falls back on the mat in relief)
Bastian: (Sighs) Oh, boy.
(Bastian sits back up and wraps a blanket around him before he reads the book once more)
Bastian: (Narrating) After days and nights of unconsciousness, Atreyu slowly opened his eyes, and found himself in strange surroundings. He was clean and his wounds were dressed.
"Uh, did the giant flying dog licked him clean while he was unconscious?" Sean asked.
(Cut to the Bill Cosby's "OH, Baby!" commercial)
Bill Cosby (V/O): Oh, baby!
(Atreyu wakes up to see where he's at and sees a sleeping Falkor. He tries to sneak off quietly, but Falkor wakes up and sees him)
Falkor (Also voiced by Alan Oppenheimer): Leaving so soon?
Sean: (V/O as Falkor) Stay awhile. I'm making some eggs and freshly squeezed orange juice.
(Cut back to the commercial)
Bill Cosby: (V/O) Oh, baby!
Atreyu: I was just going to… I have to… I was trying to- -
Falkor: Sneak away?
Atreyu: Yes. I mean, no.
Falkor: I like children.
(Cut back to the commercial)
Bill Cosby: (V/O) Oh, baby!
Falkor: I'm a luck dragon.
Sean: (V/O as Falkor) I feel like getting lucky.
(Cut back to the commercial)
Bill Cosby: Oh, baby!
Falkor: My name is Falkor.
Atreyu: And my name is- -
Falkor: Atreyu. And you're on a quest.
Atreyu: How did you know that?
Falkor: You were unconscious.
(Cut back to the commercial)
Bill Cosby: (V/O) Oh, ba…
"Okay, enough of the "Oh, baby!" bit. I made it creepy enough to ruin your childhood." Sean said.
Falkor: And you talked in your sleep. (Winks at Atreyu)
(Cut back to the commercial)
Bill Cosby: (V/O) Oh…
"SHUT UP!" Sean yelled out in anger.
Sean: (Narrating) This flying dog with floppy ears is a luck dragon named Falkor, who's also voiced by Alan Oppenheimer, and I have to say that Falkor is one of my favorite characters from the movie and when I was a kid, I said if my mom and I would get a dog, we would name it Falkor. Hell, either name it Falkor or Atreyu. Those would've been the best names for a dog.
Falkor: (Tries to scratch his own ear) Could you get around and scratch behind my right ear? I can never quite reach it.
(Atreyu walks over to Falkor and starts to scratch behind his ear)
Atreyu: Here?
Falkor: (Groans as Atreyu scratches his ear) Ah. Yes. Yeah! Ohhh! That's so good.
"Okay, Petersen. You're making it look a little dirty. Hell, it would've been more dirty if I said for you all to close your eyes and visualize. Because when you do this, it sounds like a porno." Sean said.
(The screen cuts to black and sexy porno music plays in the background)
Atreyu: (V/O) Here?
(Falkor groans in satisfaction)
Falkor: (V/O) Ah. Yes. Yeah! Ohhh! (Groans some more) That's so good.
"Okay, that's it. That's the last dirty joke that I'm going to make for this review. I'm pretty sure that I scarred your childhood for life. And mine too. Jesus." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Falkor tells Atreyu that he is near the Southern Oracle since he brought him there while he was unconscious. Are you sure he didn't roofie him? Also, he meets two gnomes along the way that live near the Southern Oracle, scientist Engywook played by Sydney Bromley and his wife Urgl played by Patricia Hayes.
"Who you might recognize her as Mrs. Coady in A Fish Called Wanda." Sean said as a picture of Patricia Hayes as Mrs. Coady is shown.
Engywook (Played by Sydney Bromley): Get out of my light, wench! You're disturbing my scientific work!
Urgl (Played by Patricia Hayes): You and your scientific work! What the boy needs now is one of my potions!
Engywook: The boy will need my scientific advice much more.
Urgl: Yes, yes. But not until he's well.
(Atreyu clears his throat to get their attention)
Engywook: (Surprised) Ah! He's well. Now it's MY turn with him.
(Cut to a clip from The Office)
Michael Scott (Played by Steve Carrell): That's what he said!
"Oh, great. You're not helping, movie. You're making me do all of these dirty jokes for this review, and you're not helping out one bit." Sean said.
Urgl: Well, little man. Still in pain?
Atreyu: Mm… a little. But it's alright.
Urgl: I like that!
Sean: (V/O as Urgl) I love making sure that people are in pain.
Sean: (Narrating) Engywook tells Atreyu that he's an expert on the Southern Oracle and before Atreyu heads to the Southern Oracle, he has to pass through the first of two gates. But here's the thing about this first gate: the Sphinxes' eyes stay closed until someone who does not feel his own worth try to pass by. In other words, they zap you dead! For example, this brave knight who's trying to pass by. Let's see if he's worthy.
Atreyu: (Watches through the telescope) He's going on. I think he's going to make it.
Engywook: The Sphinxes' eyes, are they open or shut? Let me see.
(Atreyu sees that the Sphinxes' eyes are shut)
Atreyu: They're shut. (He looks back and forth between them) No wait!
(The Sphinxes' eyes begin to open)
Atreyu: The eyes are opening!
(Rays of pure light shoot out of the Sphinxes' eyes and zaps the knight)
Engywook: Oh, no! Did he make it? Did he?
"Are you serious? That guy is dead as shit. There's no way you can survive that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And being the brave warrior boy that he is, Atreyu tries his luck by heading down to go past the first gate and… (Notices that the Sphinxes are large bare breasted and perky nippled)
"Uhhhhh… can we show this? I know that they're statues, but they have boobies. This is a PG movie, children are watching and you're showing Beavis & Butt-Head's perverted fantasies." Sean said.
(As Atreyu continues to approach the gate, he sees the fallen knight, who is just a charred skeleton)
"Like I said, PG movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So then Atreyu starts to panic while the big breasted Sphinxes open their eyes and get ready to zap Atreyu into oblivion.
Engywook: Don't start to doubt yourself. Be confident!
(Cut to Bastian)
Bastian: Be confident. Be confident.
(The Sphinxes eyes begin to open)
(Cut back to Bastian)
Bastian: Run, Atreyu! Run!
Engywook: Run, Atreyu!
(Atreyu looks straight ahead)
Bastian: Run! Now!
(A clip from Jupiter Ascending is shown)
Balem Abrasax (Played by Eddie Redmayne): (Yells) GO!
(Atreyu runs through the gate as the Sphinxes open fire, he barely makes it. He turns and looks back, then sighs)
"Why didn't anyone think about just running through the gate instead of doubting themselves? Huh? Nobody didn't think about doing that? Pussies." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But yeah, Atreyu makes it past the first gate. But it's the not over yet as Engywook informs Falkor that the Magic Mirror Gate is the worst one of all. So, we see that Atreyu arrives at the Magic Mirror Gate and he sees his true self.
(Atreyu approaches the Magic Mirror Gate and looks into it. After a while, he sees Bastian reading the story. Bastian looks up)
"Oh, my God. My true self is Will Byers from Stranger Things." Sean said as a picture of Will Byers is shown.
(Bastian throws the book across the room)
Bastian: Now, this is going too far.
"So, you just throw the book across the room? Didn't Mr. Coreander say this to him?" Sean asked.
(Cut back to an earlier scene)
Mr. Coreander: This book is not for you.
"He warned you about that book and you didn't listen. Stupid!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Atreyu steps through the Mirror and makes it to the Southern Oracle, who tells him that in order save the Empress, she needs a new name.
Atreyu: A new name. Is that all? But that's easy! I can give her any name she wants.
Southern Oracle: No one from Fantasia can do it, only a human child.
Atreyu: A human child? Where can I find one?
"Yeah, where will you find a human child in Fantasia? Isn't Atreyu human and a child?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) The Southern Oracle tells Atreyu that a human child could only be reached beyond the boundaries of Fantasia before the Nothing starts consuming the Southern Oracle. Then, we cut to Atreyu and Falkor flying over Fantasia to make it to the boundaries of Fantasia.
Atreyu: Do you know where they are?
Falkor: I have no idea.
Atreyu: Then how are we supposed to find them?
Falkor: With luck.
Atreyu: Faster Falkor, faster.
Falkor: All right! Hang on tight!
"Tell Doldinger and Moroder to crank up the music, because we got an epic flying montage coming up!" Sean exclaimed.
(We cut to Falkor and Atreyu flying over different lands of Fantasia. A beautiful display of landscapes play over the screen before cutting to a blue screen effect of Sean flying on top of a stuffed Appa plushie while he raised his fist in the air and shouts out "YEAH!". We then cut back to the movie as we see Bastian standing by the attic window)
Bastian: What a shame they don't ask me. My mother, she had such a beautiful name.
"Oh, yeah. I bet she does." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Falkor and Atreyu make it to the Sea of Possibilities, where they come across the Nothing and Atreyu gets knocked off of Falkor and ends up on a beach. And he ends up losing the Auryn. Nice job, doughface.
Atreyu: Falkor! (Shouts) Falkor! Where are you? Falkor.
(Cut to Falkor looking for Atreyu)
Falkor: Atreyu! Where are you? (Shouts) Atreyu!
Atreyu: Falkor!
Falkor: Atreyu!
"Yeah, just keep shouting. I'M PRETTY SURE THAT SOMEONE WILL HEAR YOU!" Sean shouts.
Sean: (Narrating) Atreyu comes across Rockbiter, who's feeling a bit down in the dumps.
Rockbiter: (Holds out his hands) They look like big, good, strong hands, don't they? I always thought that's what they were. My little friends. The little man with his racing snail, the Night Hob, even the stupid bat. I couldn't hold onto them. The Nothing pulled them right out of my hands. I failed.
Atreyu: No, you didn't fail. I'm the one who failed. I was the one chosen to stop the Nothing. But I lost the Auryn. I can't find my luck dragon. So I won't be able to get beyond the boundaries of Fantasia.
"Yeah, great job, Atreyu. You just doomed us all. So much for being the brave warrior child. Now, you're turning into a whiny, little wimp like Bastian." Sean said.
Rockbiter: Listen. The Nothing will be here any minute. I will just sit here and let it take me away, too. (He holds his hands out) They look like good… strong… hands, don't they.
"Well, damn. Rockbiter's making me depressed right now. I'm going to go drown in the Swamps of Sadness now." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch and leaves the room.
Sean: (Narrating) Atreyu heads into an abandoned ancient ruins, where he notices some murals depicting his quest until he comes across…
(Atreyu sees a painting of a wolf, he then turns to another corner and sees the wolf hiding in a smaller corner, growling wildly at him as he approaches)
Gmork (Also voiced by Alan Oppenheimer): If you come any closer, I will rip you to shreds.
"And immediately, my soul just left my body." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Atreyu comes face-to-face with Gmork, who's also voiced by Alan Oppenheimer. Boy, he does voice a lot of characters in the movie. Gmork is the vicious wolf that the Nothing has sent to kill Atreyu, and he's going to make due to his promise since he's going to be his final victim.
Atreyu: I will not die easily. I am a warrior.
Gmork: (Laughs) Brave warrior. Then fight the Nothing.
Atreyu: But I can't. I can't get beyond the boundaries of Fantasia.
(Gmork laughs)
Atreyu: What's so funny about that?
Sean: (V/O as Gmork) Oh, nothing. I'm just laughing at the fact that you're turning into a whiny, little bitch. (Narrates in his normal voice) Gmork tells Atreyu that Fantasia has not boundaries and that it's a world of human fantasy while the Nothing is a manifestation of the loss of hopes and dreams, making it grow stronger.
Atreyu: What is the Nothing?
Gmork: It's the emptiness that's left. It is like a despair… destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.
Atreyu: But why?
Gmork: Because people who have no hopes are easy to control. And whoever has the control, has the power.
"Yeah, I think it's a good time to get out of there before he kills you." Sean said.
Atreyu: Who are you, really?
Gmork: I am the servant of the power behind the Nothing.
"Dude, get out of there!" Sean exclaimed.
Gmork: I was sent to kill the only one who could have stopped the Nothing. I lost him in the Swamps of Sadness.
"He's gonna kill you! Get out!" Sean exclaimed.
Gmork: His name… was Atreyu.
(The ground shakes and Atreyu falls over backwards. He grabs a long, sharp piece of broken stone and stands up)
Atreyu: (Yells) If we're about to die anyway, I'd rather die fighting. Come for me, Gmork! I am Atreyu!
(Gmork growls and jumps at Atreyu and we see a flash of lightning)
"Oh, great! Now you're dead! Guess we're gonna have to bury you next to your horse." Sean said.
(We cut to cemetery and we see Artax and Atreyu's gravestones. We see that Artax's gravestone reads "One Suicidal Horse" and Atreyu's that reads "One Dumb Warrior Child". We then cut back to the movie as we see that Atreyu, who's only injured, kills Gmork)
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, Atreyu kills Gmork. Boy, that battle sure was anti-climactic. Meanwhile, Falkor does some deep-sea diving to look for the Auryn, which he does. The Nothing continues to consume more of the land and tries to take Atreyu, luckily Falkor was there to save him in the nick of time. So yeah. The Nothing consumes Fantasia, and all is left is fragments of this beautiful world.
Atreyu: Good old Falkor. Can you see anything? Anything at all?
Falkor: No. All the land is gone.
Atreyu: I know. And all because I failed.
Falkor: You tried.
Atreyu: Do you suppose the Ivory Tower is still standing?
Falkor: Let's hope so, Atreyu. Let's hope so.
"Dude, all is left are bits and pieces of Fantasia and you're surrounded by stars. Well, let's just say that you're in space and you're breathing in space. What is this, Superman IV logic?" Sean asked.
Atreyu: Let the Auryn guide you. (He clutches the Auryn with his hand) If the Ivory Tower still stands, take us there.
(We get a closeup shot of the Auryn as it starts glowing. Fragments of Fantasia move, standing behind them in all of it's glory is the Ivory Tower)
Atreyu: Falkor! The Ivory Tower!
"Look at it! It's still beautiful in all of it's glory." Sean said. "Even though it's floating through space, but it's still beautiful."
Sean: (Narrating) Atreyu heads into the Empress' chambers and he meets the Childlike Empress, played by Tami Stronach. Boy, I was expecting the Empress to be an older woman, not a little girl.
Childlike Empress (Played by Tami Stronach): Atreyu, why do you look so sad?
(Atreyu removes the Auryn and hands it to the Childlike Empress)
Atreyu: I have failed you, Empress.
Childlike Empress: No. You haven't. You brought him with you.
Atreyu: (Confused) Who?
Childlike Empress: The Earthling child.
"Little girl Empress says what now?" Sean asked.
Atreyu: You knew about the Earthling child?
Childlike Empress: Of course. I knew everything.
Atreyu: My horse died, I nearly drowned. I just barely got away from the Nothing. For what? To find out what you already knew?
Childlike Empress: It was the only way to get in touch with an Earthling.
Atreyu: But I didn't get in touch with an Earthling!
Childlike Empress: (Smiles) Yes, you did. He has suffered with you.
(Bastian sits up slowly as we hear what she's saying)
Childlike Empress: He went through everything you went through. And now, he has come here with you. He's very close, listening to every word we say.
Bastian: What?!
Sean breaks down in laughter. "Okay, I absolutely love Bastian's reaction. That's the reaction to hearing something dumb in a bad movie. Yeah, I'm gonna be using that clip next time when I talk about the two sequels."
Sean: (Narrating) The Empress explains to Atreyu that Bastian is part of The Neverending Story and while he's following Atreyu's story, others are following his. Jesus Christ, this movie's being meta before Scream made it a thing. And since Bastian has the power to stop it, he has to give the Empress a new name and he just has to call it out. Atreyu gets knocked out unconscious and now it's up to Bastian to say her name.
(The Childlike Empress stares directly into the camera while Bastian does the same before we cut back to Sean as he looks at the camera, going back and forth between the three of them)
"The hell are you lookin' at? What do you want a hot fudge cake?" Sean asked.
Childlike Empress: Bastian! Why don't you do what you dream, Bastian?
Bastian: But I can't! I have to keep my feet on the ground!
Childlike Empress: Call my name! Bastian, please! Save us!
Bastian: All right, I'll do it. I'll save you. I will do what I dream!
(Bastian gets up and climbs to the window and opens it. He leans out into the storm and calls out the name he had chosen for her)
Bastian: (Shouts) MOONCHILD!
"Okay, over the years. I've been trying to figure out what he yelled out. Watching this movie over and over again, I finally figured out what he yelled out and what his mother's name was. His mother's name was "Moonchild". Really? Moonchild? His mom was a hippie? And she married Major Dad? Yeah, the dude seems a little too conservative." Sean said.
(Darkness, pure and black as night. We hear Bastian speak)
Bastian: Why is it so dark?
Sean: (V/O as Childlike Empress) Sorry, I forgot to pay the electric bill.
(A small light appears and stars growing until Bastian and Empress Moonchild's faces are illuminated. It is coming from a small object in Moonchild's hand. Bastian looks at it)
Bastian: What is that?
Empress Moonchild: One grain of sand. It is all that remains of my vast empire.
(Bastian looks at the Empress)
Bastian: Fantasia has totally disappeared?
Empress Moonchild: Yes.
"All because your daddy told you to stop dreaming. We should totally blame Major Dad here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Empress gives Bastian the last grain of sand from what was once her kingdom. But all is not lost as she tells him that he has the power to bring back Fantasia with his imagination.
Bastian: How many wishes do I get?
Empress Moonchild: As many as you want. And the more wishes you make, the more magnificent Fantasia will become.
Bastian: Really?
Empress Moonchild: Try it.
Bastian: Then my first wish is…
(We then cut to Bastian riding on top of Falkor)
Bastian: Yeah!
"His first wish is putting himself in a fanfic." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bastian's first wish was to bring back Fantasia in all of it's beautiful glory with all of it's inhabitants restored, including Atreyu and Artax.
Falkor: What would you like to wish for next?
(Bastian whispers something into Falkor's ear. Falkor laughs. We then cut to the real world as we see the three bullies looking up at the sky as Falkor and Bastian appear and start chasing them)
Bastian: Yeah! Yeah! (Points to the bullies) Look, there they are!
2nd Bully: It's a monster!
(The bullies start running)
"Well, that's a nice wish right there. Getting revenge on the bullies who bullied you and give them everlasting trauma for the rest of their lives. Would've been better if Falkor just ate them." Sean said.
(Falkor and Bastian chase the bullies down the alley)
Bastian: We're gonna get you guys!
(One of the bullies trips and falls to the ground while the other two hide in the dumpster and Falkor laughs. The two bullies peer out of the dumpster)
Narrator (Also voiced by Alan Oppenheimer): Bastian made many other wishes and had many other amazing adventures before he finally returned to the ordinary world. But that's another story.
(The end credits are shown as the "Neverending Story" song plays)
"And that was The Neverending Story. It's still an instant classic to behold." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie had some imaginative concepts, some great visuals. I still do enjoy this movie. The child actors like Barrett Oliver, Noah Hathaway and Tami Stronach are great, the visual effects still hold up till this day, the music is iconic, it has some amazing detail like the creatures and the settings. It's hard to make fun of a movie that I really like. I know that there's going to be a reboot of the movie coming soon and it has some pretty big shoes to fill. If you haven't seen this movie, then check it out. If you have, then watch it again and if you have children show this movie to them, I highly recommend it. The Neverending Story deserves 5 Auryns out of 5.
"That is all for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time. Play me off, Limahl!" Sean exclaimed.
(The song plays in the background as Sean starts dancing before leaving the room)
Mayhem Critic Tagline- You were unconscious. And you talked in your sleep.
And we did it! Another review finished. I hope that you all enjoyed this one and I had a lot of fun writing this because The Neverending Story is one of my favorite movies of all time and I have to show my love for it. What did you think of this review and what did you think of the movie when you watched it? I would love to hear your thoughts about it. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, I was going to review Blazing Saddles next, but after hearing about the passing of one of my favorite actors James Earl Jones, I'm going to review the movie Clear and Present Danger in honor of Mr. Jones. Maybe it could be a co-review. Who wants to co-review Clear and Present Danger with me? Then, after Clear and Present Danger, it's the comedy Dragnet. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Before I go, Halloween Havoc VII is coming up and here are some of the movies that I will be talking about for this year:
A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
The Horror Show (1989)
Fright Night
Stephen King's Silver Bullet
Shaun of the Dead
Which movie are you excited for to see me review for Halloween Havoc VII? If you have any requests for a TV show or a movie to review or maybe you would like to do a co-review with me, feel free to leave me a message if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.