The Mayhem Critic

by James Stryker

He's the critic that rips movies a new one. The critic with a bad attitude and a renegade status with a short fuse.

231. Episode 227: Commercials XIII

The Mayhem Critic

Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter. When we last left off, we saw our favorite residential movie critic reviewing Eli Roth's Thanksgiving and he had a lot of fun talking about the movie. Today, it's a very special chapter as Sean and Lucas take a look at another batch of commercials. It's the good, the bad and the ugly in what could be the best entry in the Commercials special. So sit back, relax and grab a cold one to drink. This is the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.

P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources.

Episode 227

Commercials XIII: The Book of Commercials

(We open with the traditional "Mayhem Critic" intro, but then Sean and Lucas both pop up to interrupt the intro)

"COMMERCIALS!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.

"Roll the intro, baby!" Sean exclaimed.

(We then cut to the "Commercials" intros as different bumpers featuring What-a-Mess the Dog from the ABC Saturday Morning bumper from 1994, Dynamo Duck from a Fox Kids bumper from 1992, a Kids WB bumper from 1997, Felix the Cat from a CBS Saturday Morning bumper and an NBC Saturday Morning bumper from 1988 are shown)

(TV static transitions to: Jurassic Park toys commercial from 1993)

(The commercial opens with a shot of Jurassic Park toys and kids playing with them)

Announcer: Jurassic Park, where the giant dinosaurs live again!

Sean: (Narrating) Hell, yeah! Now, we're talking. It's no surprise that the biggest movie of 1993 featuring dinosaurs would make some pretty awesome commercials and some of those commercials were pretty cool.

Announcer: Jurassic Park, where the giant dinosaurs live again! With all the excitement of the movie.

Lucas: (Narrating) These commercials were so awesome that they had the announcer get killed off in the intro.

(A snippet of the commercial is shown)

Voice 1: Our dinosaurs are gentle vegetarians.

(A dinosaur's claw reaches out and tears up the screen. The voice is heard screaming as the screen is torn off, revealing the Jurassic Park logo)

"Jesus! That was intense!" Sean exclaimed as his eyes widened in surprise.

Sean: (Narrating) Man, only a commercial marketing toys for kids would have the balls to kill off the announcer.

(A snippet from another commercial is shown)

Voice: If you look closely, you may spot a venom-spitting dilophosaurus.

(A dilophosaurus spits it's venom on the screen and the voice screams. The venom reveals the JP logo)

"Judging by that guy's scream, that one was pretty intense." Lucas said.

Lucas: (Narrating) Who was the tour guide for this one, The Joker?

(The scene of the venom spitting is shown once more, along with the screaming. We then cut to an episode of Justice League titled "Wild Cards", showing The Joker screaming. We then cut back to the Jurassic Park commercial)

Announcer: A raptor grabs a baby dinosaur. Grant tears off in the Bush Devil Tracker to save it.

Kid #1: Use the snare!

Kid #2: He's safe!

Kid #1: Look out! Triceratops!

(A boy holding a Triceratops knocks over the jeep. We then cut to a shot of the T-Rex and we hear the second boy roaring)

Announcer: But the young T-Rex wants a piece of the action!

(A boy holding the T-Rex "bites" into the side of the Triceratops, pulling off a bit of it's "skin", revealing some dino damage)

Kid #1:Whoa! Dino damage!

"Dude, that was pretty gruesome!" Sean exclaimed.

Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you think you want to show something like that for your toys. That looked pretty gruesome for a kid's toy. This is "Operation", but bloody. (A shot of the game is superimposed)

Announcer: Dinosaurs are on the rampage, and only the JP team is tough enough to stop them!/Muldoon, in the Jungle Explorer stuns him! Tim Murphy saves a baby dinosaur!

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! That's Tim Murphy?" Lucas asked as a picture of the Tim Murphy figure created by Kenner is shown.

Lucas: (Narrating) You mean to tell me that this little twerp is Tim Murphy? That doesn't remotely look like him. He should look more like a fried Toaster Strudel after getting electrocuted by that electric fence. That should've been a more appropriate toy right there.

Sean: (Narrating) Hell, take a look at what they did to Nedry.

(A commercial featuring the Dennis Nedry figure is shown)

Announcer: The evil Nedry steals a baby brachiosaurus….

"Since when did he look muscular instead of overweight? I mean, did they reuse the Bruce Wayne action figure from Batman: The Animated Series and gave him muscles and sunglasses?" Sean asked.

(A picture of the Nedry figure and a picture of Nedry from the movie are shown side-by-side)

Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that does not look like Nedry. I recall Nedry looking like the Goodyear blimp instead of looking like this.

(We then cut to another commercial featuring Series 2 Jurassic Park toy line by Kenner)

Lucas: (Narrating) These toys became so popular that they made up more characters and it's for the Series 2 toyline.

Announcer: The dinosaurs are on the loose, can the Dino Trackers stop them?

"Dino Trackers? These guys? They look like actors that are born to be toys. I mean, look at them!" Lucas exclaimed.

Announcer: The neighborhoods are threatened, and only the Dino Trackers led by "T-Rex" Turner can stop them. Turner stuns a young T-Rex with a tranq arrow! "Jaws" Jackson and his dino capture trap put the squeeze on a Ramhead! And "Harpoon" Harrison hooks the Demon!

"Don't you just love the names of the Dino Trackers?" Sean asked.

Announcer: "T-Rex" Turner!/ "Jaws" Jackson!/ "Harpoon" Harrison!

"Okay, these names sound like wrestler names or names for a contestant on American Gladiators." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) I just love how they end the commercials with the announcer saying the tagline: "It's happening."

Announcer: Look for the JP mark. It's happening, but only at Jurassic Park!

"Is the announcer some kind of conspiracy nut?" Lucas asked. "Whenever he's saying, "It's happening", it feels like it's some kind of conspiracy."

Announcer: It's happening!

"I told you that the dinosaurs were responsible for the assassination of JFK. It's happening, man!" Lucas exclaimed.

Sean: (Narrating) Even though I was only a year old when the toys came out and looking at the commercials, they were pretty awesome. In fact, the movie is awesome and the toys are awesome as well. Let's move on to the next commercial.

(The commercial ends with the shot of the Jurassic Park logo)

Announcer: It's happening, but only at Jurassic Park!

(A clip from Jurassic Park is shown)

Dr. Ian Malcolm (Played by Jeff Goldblum): That's- that's Chaos Theory.

(TV Static transitions to: Piedmont Airlines commercial featuring McLean Stevenson circa 1988)

(The commercial opens as McLean Stevenson appears in a row of chairs.)

McLean Stevenson: It's chair days at Piedmont Airlines and every chair must go.

"That's nice," Sean smirked before scowling, "Can your career go too?"

Sean: (Narrating) Oh boy, I can't believe we're gonna be covering a commercial featuring this guy.

(Clips of M*A*S*H featuring McLean Stevenson as Col. Henry Blake play in a montage as the M*A*S*H theme song plays.)

Lucas: (Narrating) For any millennial who weren't born in the '70s know who this guy is, I pity you. McLean Stevenson was an actor who got his claim to fame playing the role of Colonel Henry Blake on the sitcom M*A*S*H, which ran from 1972 to 1983. Around the first few seasons of the show, McLean's combined wit, charm and sense of humor helped turn that show into a monster hit. And it was also that show that helped launch Alan "Hawkeye Pierce" Alda's career into the stratosphere. How about that?

Sean: However, somewhere halfway in season three, McLean Stevenson literally decided to commit career suicide when the good folks at NBC decided to pay him twice the money McLean was making from the contract he signed regarding M*A*S*H, in hopes of advancing his career even further with future projects. Because of this, he decided to take the money and leave the show, which left the producers pissed off to the point where they, well… let's not get into that yet. Maybe when the timing's right.

"With that out of the way, many fans of McLean Stevenson hoped he would get the respect he deserved with his soon oncoming projects going forward," Lucas smirked, all before hissing his teeth angrily, "The problem is, most of his projects after M*A*S*H involved this…"

(A picture of McLean Stevenson on "The McLean Stevenson Show" pops up.)

Lucas: And this…

(A picture of McLean Stevenson on "Condo" pops up.)

Lucas: AND THIS…

(A picture of McLean Stevenson on the "Dirty Dancing" TV series pops up.)

Lucas: *angrily* AND DID I FORGET TO MENTION THIS?!

(A picture of McLean Stevenson as Larry Alder from "Hello, Larry" pops up with the "Hello, Larry" theme song playing in the background.)

Sean looks at the picture and starts shuddering, "God, no wonder this shit-ass show crossed over with Diff'rent Strokes."

"I would rather watch The Cat From Outer Space than this stupid-ass show." Lucas said.

"I would watch the movie just to see the damn cat." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Back in 1986, Stevenson became the spokesperson for Piedmont and we get a series of commercials featuring Stevenson talking about their airfares. Well, let's see what he has in store for us.

(We see McLean sitting in a row of chairs with a caption that reads "Miami $62, Round Trip")

McLean Stevenson: Talk about your easy chairs. (After he sips his drink) Ooh!

"Yeah, I'd rather have a drink while flying to Miami. I just hope I don't sit next to you." Lucas said.

(We see McLean dusting off a chair for Ft. Lauderdale and we see the caption "Ft. Lauderdale $62, Round Trip")

McLean Stevenson: Chairs to over 170 cities, like this wing chair. At prices you can take sitting down.

"Wait a minute. That's how much a round trip to Ft. Lauderdale costs? Well, I think I know where I'm going for Spring Break next year." Sean said.

(We then see a caption that reads "Key West $122, Round Trip")

McLean Stevenson: Like this comfy recliner. (Leans back against the reclining chair) It's yours for song."If that's what's on the inside of a plane, than that recliner better play Red Hot Chili Peppers." Lucas replied.

(The Piedmont Airlines logo is shown with the phone number sitting right below.)
McLean Stevenson: Call Piedmont Airlines for your travel agent right away.

"Seriously, like right now?" Sean gasped before acting very excited, "Well, sign me and Lucas the hell up! I'm in!"
"Ft. Lauderdale and Key West here we come!" Lucas said, rubbing his hands with anticipation.
Sean immediately grabbed his iPhone and started dialing the number that was shown on the screen.
He patiently waited for a call to come up until the caller got a hold of him, leading Sean to say, "Hello, I would like to book a travel for two for me and my buddy. Ft. Lauderdale and Key West. First class!"

(A clip of the cartoon "Hey Arnold!" plays)
Caesar the Chef (voiced by Steve Viksten): I don't know what you're talking about! Stop calling me!

The chef then immediately hangs up on Sean, who gets disappointed after hearing a dial tone.
"Well, that sucks," Sean replied as he too hanged up the phone, "Apparently that number just leads to some sort of unnamed cartoon restaurant I don't know about."
Lucas: (Narrating) You know, seeing this commercial, I think this looks very accurate for McLean Stevenson to star in something airline-related.
Lucas then pointed out, "Because remember the last time McLean Stevenson got on a plane once? This happened."
(A clip of the TV Show M*A*S*H plays featuring Radar.)
Radar (played by Gary Burghoff): *sorrowful* Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake's plane… was shot down… over the sea of Japan. It spun in… there were no survivors…

"And you wonder why CBS fired the hell out of him," Sean replied with a smirk, "Now you know."

Sean: (Narrating) Piedmont Airlines, the place where you get planes that fly worse than McLean Stevenson's career.

McLean Stevenson: Soon, all these chairs will be marked sold.

(We see an attractive brunette dressed in red sitting in a seat, leaving McLean stunned.)

McLean Stevenson: Even this fabulous loveseat. So you better honey. Uh, I mean hurry.

(A clip of a Taco Bell commercial plays featuring Charles Barkley)

Charles Barkley: That's terrible.

(TV static transitions to: McDonald's Superhero Burger commercial from 1995)

(The commercial opens with footage from Batman Forever, as we see Batman walking up the stairs as the Batmobile appears while we see a caption that reads "Gotham City Break")

"Okay, now here's one of the greatest movie tie-ins ever. At least this one was marketed for children. Damn parents." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) This was to promote Batman Forever, the one good Joel Schumacher Batman movie before…

(A poster for Batman & Robin is shown)

Sean: (Narrating) This fucking abomination. Hell, Taco Bell was promoting the movie.

Alfred (Played by Michael Gough): Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?

Batman (Played by Val Kilmer): I'll get drive-thru.

(Batman drives off in his Batmobile)

"And here's your setup for a McDonald's commercial." Lucas said.

Announcer: Introducing McDonald's Superhero Burger.

Lucas: (Narrating) And since they're promoting Batman Forever, there was a burger that they created called the Superhero Burger.

Announcer: Tomatoes, crisp lettuce, the great taste of two cheeses melted over three beef patties on a Superhero bun.

"You had me there at two cheeses over three beef patties." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) I mean, it doesn't get any better than this. This sounds like an excellent burger. I bet Batman's mouth was watering when he was thinking about the sandwich. To hell with catching Two-Face and the Riddler. He's got to have his Superhero Burger.

Sean: (V/O as Batman) I gotta have my Superhero Burger! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!

Lucas: (Narrating) This burger was part of McDonald's Taste of the Month and everybody loved it. Imagine seeing this commercial on TV and you just had to get yourself one.

(Cutaway Gag Starts)

(We open with Sean and Taylor watching an episode of Seinfeld in the living room)

Brian: (V/O as Announcer) We'll be right back with more Seinfeld on Star 64.

(The McDonald's Superhero Burger commercial starts playing and Sean sees this)

Sean: Whoa! Look at that burger.

Announcer: Introducing McDonald's Superhero Burger.

Taylor: Sean, its just a Batman commercial.

Sean: Shhh!

Announcer: Tomatoes, crisp lettuce, the great taste of two cheeses melted over three beef patties on a Superhero bun.

Sean: Oh, momma! That looks so good.

Taylor: Sean, it's just a burger. You're looking at it like it's Kate Upton in a bikini.

Sean: Yeah, I'm kinda looking at the burger like it's Anna Claire Clouds. I just gotta have a taste of it.

Taylor: Excuse me?!

Sean: Sorry, babe. Two cheeses melted over three beef patties is calling my name. I'll bring you one.

(Sean gets up from off of the couch and runs out of the house)

Taylor: This is why I'm a Wonder Woman fan. Why doesn't he look at me the same way?

(Cutaway Gag Ends)

(We cut to Batman stopping off at McDonald's and we get a shot of the building)

Drive-Thru Speaker: Welcome to McDonald's! May I take your order?

"Let's be real here, guys. We all wanted to see Batman ordering his food before he does some crime fighting. We all would love to see that." Sean said.

Drive-Thru Speaker: Welcome to McDonald's! May I take your order?

(Cut to a shot of the Batmobile at the drive-thru)

Sean: (V/O as Batman) Yeah. I would like a Superhero Burger. Make it a combo with a large fry and a large Diet Coke…

Lucas: (V/O as Commissioner Gordon) Batman, Two-Face is robbing the Gotham Bank and he is holding a security guard hostage.

Sean: (V/O as Batman) Oh, son of a bitch! Right when I'm getting my food. Could you hurry it up, please? I gotta stop crazy Sam Gerard from robbing the bank.

"I wonder how he bought that food. I guess he was using his Bat…" Lucas said.

"Don't you dare finish that sentence." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) McDonald's you gotta bring this sandwich back. I don't care if you have to bring back the Arch Deluxe or the Chicken Selects strips, just bring it back. Even if you're promoting The Batman Part II, I will definitely get this sandwich. This is the burger made for the Dark Knight.

Announcer: It's McDonald's Taste of the Month. Everyone's making a break for.

(Cut to the Batmobile stopping at the drive-thru of McDonald's and the shot of the building)

Drive-Thru Speaker: Welcome to McDonald's! May I take your order?

(The commercial ends with the Batman Forever logo and the McDonald's logo with the slogan "Have You Had Your Break Today?")

Singers: Have you had your break today?

Sean: (V/O as Batman, off-screen) SUPERHERO BURGER!

(TV static transitions to: Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball commercial from 1991)

(The commercial opens in the year 2030, where we see basketball player Bill Laimbeer stepping out on the basketball court as the crowd boos at him while he raises his arms at them)

Announcer: In the 1990s, Bill Laimbeer was basketball's meanest player. Now, it's all plain mean.

"Right. Who the hell is Bill Laimbeer?" Sean asked.

"Allow me to tell you about Bill Laimbeer." Lucas said.

(We then cut to a montage of clips and pictures featuring Bill Laimbeer while "Night on Bald Mountain" by Modest Mussorgsky starts playing in the background)

Lucas: (Narrating) If anyone doesn't know who Bill Laimbeer is, he was perhaps the dirtiest player in NBA history and one of the "Bad Boys" of the Detroit Pistons, whom became back-to-back NBA Champions in 1989 and 1990 alongside Rick Mahorn, Joe Dumars, Isiah Thomas and a pre-Worm Dennis Rodman. If you think that Zaza Pachulia was the dirtiest player of NBA history, then you're wrong. Laimbeer was the NBA's ultimate villain. He had such a dirty reputation for starting fights against some of NBA's greatest players from Larry Bird to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Michael Jordan. Oh, and remember the time Charles Barkley fucking kicked his ass that one time? Shows you much of a heel he was back then. Even the heels in wrestling don't draw much heat as Bill Laimbeer did.
Sean: (Narrating) And what happens when you have such a bad reputation in basketball? You get your own video game, of course!
"With that said, let's hear what we have to say coming from the dirtiest player in the basketball game." Sean smirked.

Announcer: In the 1990s, Bill Laimbeer was basketball's meanest player. Now, it's all plain mean.

Reporter: Bill, what do you say?

Bill Laimbeer: I say we'll thrash'em! (To the cameraman) Get out of my face!

"Boy, what an asshole! No wonder Barkley kicked his ass." Sean said. "And yes, I had to check it out for myself."

"Like I said, the NBA's ultimate villain." Lucas said.

(We then cut to the basketball team, one dressed in white futuristic suits playing against the opposing team, who's wearing green futuristic suits as we see Bill knocking one player down while we cut to two kids playing the game, followed by gameplay footage of the gamer while switching back to Bill's team and Bill throwing a bomb at the opposing player)

Announcer: It's the new Super NES one or two player game, Bill Lambieer's Combat Basketball from Hudson Soft.

"I'm sorry, what?!" Sean asked with a shocked look on his face.

Announcer: Bill Lambieer's Combat Basketball from Hudson Soft.

Lucas: (Narrating) That's right, folks. Hudson Soft, the video game company that brought us such great titles like Bomberman 64, Bomberman Hero, Star Soldier: Vanishing Earth, Bomberman 64: The Second Attack.

"And of course, they brought us the Mario Party games, until Hudson Soft was acquired and dissolved by Konami in 2012 after Mario Party 8." Lucas said.

Sean immediately makes a facepalm and rubs his temples in disgust.

"God, it's hard to believe that Hudson Soft developed this stupid-ass game. God, I haven't been this disgusted since Trump beat Kamala Harris." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) God, did Hudson Soft believe that this game would be such a good idea? Having the dirtiest basketball player having his own basketball game where you could beat up other players? I would rather play Superman 64 than this stupid game. Yeah, flying through rings would be torture enough. This is a game so bad, that lawyers are making reasonable arguments that their client's crime may be horrible, but at least they didn't make Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball.

"Hell, in Southeast Asia, it's considered the number one preferred method of execution." Sean said.

(A clip from The Kentucky Fried Movie is shown, featuring the segment A Fistful of Yen)

Sean: (V/O as Dr. Klahn) Make him play Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball.

Lucas: (V/O as CIA Agent) No! No, not Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball! Anything but that! No! No!

(Cut back to the commercial)

Announcer: No refs, no fouls. Only one rule to win.

"Yeah, only one rule to win and that is to play dirty like Bill Laimbeer." Lucas said.

Announcer: No refs, no fouls. Only one rule to win.

(We cut to the kid beating his friend after he shoots the ball through the hoop)

Kid #1: Yes!

"Boy, that kid loves the fact that he beat his friend on Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball." Sean said.

Kid #1: Yes!

"Yeah! Take that, Tommy! I'm the ultimate Combat Basketball champion!" Sean exclaimed, imitating the kid.

Lucas: (Narrating) And here's the biggest insult to this commercial, they have a phone number so you can find out who the mystery guest is on the commercial and entering the Hudson Soft sweepstakes.

"Really? A number to call to enter for your chance to win the Hudson Soft sweepstakes?" Sean asked.

"Yeah." Lucas said.

"I wonder what you could win during the Hudson Soft sweepstakes. Uh, could it be a copy of Star Soldier: Vanishing Earth? Getting three of your friends to play Mario Party. Maybe a threesome with August Skye and Lily Starfire? I love the taste of chocolate, if you know what I mean." Sean said as he winked naughtily at the camera.

"Actually, it's none of those things that you mentioned." Lucas said.

"Then what is it?" Sean asked.

"You get to win tickets to see Bill Laimbeer play during the '91-'92 season." Lucas said.

"YOU GOTTA BE SHITTING ME! Who wants to watch this hack play?!" Sean asked.

"Did I mention that he used to coach for the WNBA?" Lucas asked.

"What?! The ultimate villain of the NBA was a coach for the WNBA?" Sean asked.

"Yep. He was the coach for the New York Liberty and the Las Vegas Aces." Lucas said.

"I wonder if he got into any fights with the other coaches." Sean said.

Announcer: Up to 8 challengers, assemble teams and compete in league play.

(Bill Laimbeer is shown holding the game in his hand)

Bill Laimbeer: Get yours.

"After seeing the reviews of the game, no. I don't think so." Lucas said.

Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, it's a good thing that I never played the game, mostly because my mom never owned a Super Nintendo, plus, I was born in '92. And yet, I still couldn't believe that Hudson Soft developed this piece of shit.

Lucas: (Narrating) If you're looking for a game where you could play dirty like Bill Laimbeer, then this game is not for you.

(We then cut to Bill Laimbeer holding the game in his hand once more)

Bill Laimbeer: Get yours.

"I would rather watch you getting your ass kicked by Charles Barkley. Let's move on to the next commercial." Sean said.

"Certainly." Lucas said as he picked up the remote to change the channel.

(TV static transitions to: Sonic the Hedgehog 3 and Sonic & Knuckles commercials from 1994)

(The commercial opens with a shot of the pilot flying the plane while "Ride of the Valkyries" by Richard Wagner plays in the background)

Pilot: Has it got huge new zones?

(We see a kid getting ready to drop some televisions that have Sonic the Hedgehog 3 out of the plane)

Kid: Check!

"And for this game's 30th anniversary and with the movie coming out, I think it's time to talk about this one." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Since we already talked about two Sonic the Hedgehog games in the past, we're gonna talk about this commercial.

Lucas: (Narrating) They're advertising for Sonic the Hedgehog 3 and these commercials were wild. They even had a commercial where a TV lands on the groundhog right when he's about to see his shadow.

(Cut to the commercial with the groundhog as the groundhog pops out of the hole and sees the television with the words "Sonic 3 Is Coming" and "On Groundhog Day" on the screen as it falls out of the sky)

Announcer: Sonic 3 is coming…

Man: Look for the shadow!

Announcer: …on Groundhog Day.

(The groundhog screams as the TV lands on him and we see the words "Make That Hedgehog Day" on the screen)

Announcer: Make that Hedgehog Day.

(We're then treated to some gameplay from the game with Sonic and Tails going through Hydrocity Zone Act 1, Ice Cap Zone Act 1, the new 3D special stage and Angel Island Zone Act 2)

"Jesus tap-dancing Christ! Sonic 3 just killed Puxatawney Phil!" Lucas exclaimed.

Sean: (Narrating) Take a look at this commercial. We see them getting ready to drop the game out of the plane. But first, they got to make sure that it's bigger and better and the second game.

Pilot: Has it got huge new zones?

Kid: Check!

(We cut to clips from Sonic the Hedgehog 3, where we see Sonic snowboarding during the introduction to Ice Cap Zone Act 1 and running through Carnival Night Zone Act 2 while the kid is playing the game)

Pilot: Twice as big as Sonic 2?

Kid: Check!

Pilot: The new 3D special stage?

(We see the 3D special stage from the game)

Kid: Check!

Pilot: And the new game save feature?

Kid: Check!

Pilot: DO IT!

(The kid pushes the lever to open the bomber doors, dropping the television out of the plane)

Announcer: New Sonic 3 is now available…

(The television is dropped to the store and we see a small explosion. We then see the destroyed store and we see the TV in a satisfied customer's cart)

Announcer: …in a store near you.

"Holy shit! This game's so awesome that it literally almost killed a woman and a cashier." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Hey, let's make sure that this game is bigger and better than Sonic 2. You can save your game. The 3D special stages are awesome as hell. But what about the lives of innocent people? Fuck that shit! Drop the TV! I'm pretty sure that woman's going to make her son very happy that she got the game for him.

"As cool as this game is, we feel that there's something missing." Lucas said.

(We then cut to a Sonic & Knuckles commercial, which starts with the Sega logo, followed by clips from the game)

Announcer: Sega presents. One champion of good, one pawn of evil. It's Sonic & Knuckles.

"YES! YES!" Sean yelled out while his voice was replaced by M. Bison's voice from Street Fighter: The Animated Series.

Lucas: (Narrating) Now, we're fuckin' talking! This is the second half of Sonic 3 and man is it the best. This was DLC before DLC. And it comes with one of the best features ever.

Announcer: Not only is it the greatest Sonic game ever, it also comes with lock-on technology.

"It comes with lock-on technology. That is revolutionary!" Sean exclaimed.

(We see someone using the game's lock-on feature with Sonic 2, where you get to play as Knuckles. Then we see the same person plugging in Sonic 3 and we get more clips from the game)

Announcer: Plug in Sonic 2 and use Knuckles to play in a whole, new way. Plug in Sonic 3 for 34 megs of power, new worlds and surprise endings.

"You can do that. Or you can have the whole Sonic 3 and Knuckles experience by playing it on Sonic Origins. Same with Sonic the Hedgehog 2." Lucas said.

Sean: (Narrating) These commercials are fun and silly and this'll be a way to celebrate the game's 30th anniversary. These are some of the greatest commercials featuring our favorite hedgehog.

Pilot: SEGA!

(TV static transitions to: McDonald's "Stop It, Get Some Help" PSA featuring Michael Jordan circa 1987)

(The commercial opens with Michael Jordan in a dark grey background, and the text "MICHAEL JORDAN" with the McDonald's logo are shown)

Michael Jordan: I'm Michael Jordan. McDonald's restaurants have given me this time to give you talk to you about something we both really care about…

"Big Macs?" Sean asked.

Michael Jordan: …kids.

"Oh. Or that." Sean said.

"Please, continue." Lucas said.

Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, I think that we're all familiar with this PSA. In this PSA, Michael Jordan is talking to the audience concerning drug use.

Michael Jordan: McDonald's restaurants have given me this time to give you talk to you about something we both really care about. Kids. Kids are the reason McDonald's sponsors the 'Get it Straight' program, a national drug awareness effort.

"Okay, why did it have to be McDonald's who gave you this opportunity to talk to us for a moment? You're just a guy in a suit talking to a camera while you're sitting in the background." Sean said.

Michael Jordan: Think about this; may of you using drugs now, are under 18.

"I'm pretty sure that I don't do drugs. It's that douchebag Aubrey Huff doing drugs." Lucas said.

Michael Jordan: Do you realize that at 18, you have only lived one fourth of your life? When you're using drugs, you're only cheating yourself out of the chance of who you really can be. And believe me, if you don't use drugs, you can just be anything you want to be.

"You can be a writer, an actor, you can be a politician. Just don't be like Marion Barry. Or Nick Adams. Or you can be a baseball player. Be a good one, don't be like Aubrey Huff." Sean said.

Michael Jordan: Listen…

"Okay, I just love this little jump cut right there." Lucas said.

Lucas: (Narrating) This is just him basically rambling. I just love it.

Michael Jordan: Listen…

"We're already listening to you, Michael. We were already with you. You're telling us not to do drugs. Don't tell us to listen." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) And here, we get the most memeable line in history. And you all know what it is.

Michael Jordan: Listen, you got at least three fourths of your life to go. That's three more lifetimes to you, so don't blow it. Don't do drugs. If you're doing it, stop it, get some help.

"I swear, you can use that line for any situation, and it would work perfectly." Sean said. "You could say something like, I'm gonna do a McDonald's mukbang by eating 13 Big Mac and 4 large fries and 3 apple pies."

Michael Jordan: Stop it, get some help.

"When Nick Adams makes a tweet on X…." Lucas said.

Michael Jordan: Stop it, get some help.

"I'm addicted to lesbian porn and I cannot stop masturbating to it." Sean said.

Michael Jordan: Stop it, get some help.

"When a player keeps beating you in Multiversus…" Lucas said.

Michael Jordan: Stop it, get some help.

"Try some at home, I would love to see what you would come up with." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) This is a classic PSA with a memorable, yet memeable line that we all quote. I guess you could say that we all need some help. And some Big Macs as well.

Michael Jordan: McDonald's wants you to give yourself a chance. A chance to find out all the wonderful things you can really be. And so do I.

(The text "MICHAEL JORDAN" and the McDonald's logo appears back in the screen)

(TV static transitions to: Young, Reverman & Mazzei Co. commercials)

(The commercial opens with a caption that reads "The Insurance Company")

"If you grew up in Cincinnati in the 90s, you grew up watching the Young, Reverman & Mazzei commercials. Heck, you've probably seen them while watching either Maury, Jenny Jones, The Ricki Lake Show, Montel or even Jerry Springer." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) The commercial opens in the offices of the dreaded insurance company.

Woman: Jack, that Perkins claim, that really bad accident.

Jack: Mm-hmm.

Woman: We can stick it to 'em and just pay in pennies.

Jack: Excellent.

"Yeah, to hell with Perkins, we're gonna make him broke as hell." Lucas said, imitating Jack.

Lucas: (Narrating) Well, I'm sure that there's a name that would strike fear in the hearts of man. And it's those three names that does it.

Woman: Yeah, we'll nail Perkins' lawyer.

Jack: Lawyer? Who?

Woman: Uh, Young, Reverman & Mazzei.

(Jack has a stunned look on his face and he immediately slams the phone down)

Jack: You're kidding?

Woman: No, why?

Jack: 'Cause this is gonna cost us a lot.

"Young, Reverman & Mazzei, the name that would make a guy who works for the insurance company piss his pants." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Man, I just love those commercials. I love how it shows that they're gonna screw that person over, but when someone mentions Young, Reverman & Mazzei, they immediately change their minds.

(Cut to another Young, Reverman & Mazzei commercial)

Insurance Guy #1: Good thing we got that Davis guy to settle fast.

Insurance Guy #2: Yeah, that was a big claim. Bad accident. Getting him to sign fast saved us a lot of money.

Insurance Guy #1: He was thinking of getting a lawyer.

Insurance Guy #2: Yeah, who?

Insurance Guy #1: Young, Reverman & Mazzei.

(The second insurance guy turns his head and makes a noise. He goes "Ooh")

"Yeah, Young, Reverman & Mazzei are the type of people that you don't want to mess with." Lucas said.

Lucas: (Narrating) Also, don't you just love this guy's reaction after hearing the names Young, Reverman & Mazzei?

Insurance Guy #1: He was thinking of getting a lawyer.

Insurance Guy #2: Yeah, who?

Insurance Guy #1: Young, Reverman & Mazzei.

Insurance Guy #2: Ooh.

Lucas: (Narrating) That guy reacted like he saw Sierra McCormick making out with Paris Jackson on American Horror Stories.

"I think that's the same reaction I had when I saw that." Sean said. "And yes, I replayed that scene over and over and over again. But then, I ended up failing No Nut November because I had a fantasy about having a threesome with them. Damn it."

(Cut to the third Young, Reverman & Mazzei commercial)

Sean: (Narrating) We get another commercial where this guy talks to his boss about the guy they were going to screw over has got a lawyer, and I absolutely love this guy's reaction.

Mark: Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan, just a minute.

Mr. Morgan: What do you need, Mark? I've got a 2:00 tee time.

"You're keeping me from my golf game, Mark. You know what happens when people keep me away from my golf game?" Sean asked, imitating Mr. Morgan while holding a golf club in his hand.

Mark: The Thompson auto accident. That big medical claim.

Mr. Morgan: What about it? Didn't you offer them the quickie cutrate settlement?

Mark: They didn't take the bait. Thompson got a lawyer.

Mr. Morgan: Yeah, who?

Mark: Young, Reverman & Mazzei.

Mr. Morgan: We're gonna end up paying the Thompsons a lot of money.

"Well, so much for this guy's golf game. Progressive and Geico better watch their asses." Lucas said.

Lucas: (Narrating) These ads are pretty good and pretty known by people who live in Cincinnati. Whenever the insurance company tries to pull a fast one on you, just think of the three names…

Woman: Young, Reverman & Mazzei.

(Jack has a stunned look on his face and he immediately slams the phone down)

Announcer: Young, Reverman & Mazzei. It doesn't hurt to call.

Jack: Just… give them the money they want.

(TV static transitions to: 10-10-220 commercials featuring Hulk Hogan and Alf circa 2000's)

(The commercial opens with a songstress singing on a stage while two familiar figures are sitting on the sidelines.)

Songstress: *singing* Yooooooooouuu…

Alf: Ow, my ears! She's terrible.

Hulk Hogan: *to Alf* She's great.

"Oh, great, this guy again!" Sean rolled his eyes. "I wonder how it could get any worse…"

But then all of a sudden, a certain muscleman with a blonde handlebar stache began to punch a hole through a wall next to the door, where the muscleman's hand reached around the doorknob and began to undo the lock.

Once that was done, the muscleman entered through the door and revealed himself to be Brian, who was dressed up as Hulk Hogan. He was busy flexing all around much to Sean and Lucas's annoyance.

"What's going on, brother man jack?" Brian/Hulk Hogan smirked.

"What's going on?" Sean raised an eyebrow before shouting, "YOU DROVE A FIST RIGHT UP MY WALL!"

"You're welcome, dude," Brian/Hulk smirked. He then looked at Sean's TV and smiled yet again. "I see you're gonna watch another one of my commercials, man. I love it when we do my commercials, brother."

"We do kinda love it when you leave though." Lucas replied.

"Nonsense, man," Brian/Hulk chuckled before sitting alongside Sean and Lucas, "Let's kick back and watch the Hulk magic happen, dude. Ohga bohga, brother."

Sean: (Narrating) Oh crap, where do I start with this one? Okay, what happens when you get two '80s icons in one commercial? You get this little gem in the form of these 10-10-220 commercials, starring everyone's favorite alien from Melmac, Alf and professional wrestling megastar turned red-and-yellow fruit loop, Hulk Hogan.

Alf: You're being too easy on her, Hulk.

Hulk Hogan: I like things to be easy.

"Like your daughter Brooke." Sean said as Brian/Hulk grabbed the young critic by his t-shirt.

"You better watch what you say about my daughter, brother! Or I'm gonna unleash hell on you!" Brian/Hulk said in a threatening tone.

"Noted." Sean said.

Hulk Hogan: I like things to be easy.

Alf: Like 10-10-220?

(The 10-10-220 number is shown on the screen)

Hulk Hogan: Exactly!

(The songstress approaches Hulk and Alf's table)

Songstress: I know 10-10-220 is cheap, but it's easy too?

Alf: Yeah! There's no signing up. You just pick up the phone and dial it.

(The text "Up to 10 minutes for 99 cents. 7 cents/min. after 20." is shown on screen)

Hulk Hogan: And all calls up to 20 minutes are 99 cents.

Songstress: Easy and cheap…

"Just like my ex-wife Linda, brother." Brian/Hulk said.

"DAMN!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.

"What? No love for Linda? What did she ever do to you?" Sean asked.

"She divorced me and left me for another man." Brian/Hulk said as he looked down at the floor.

"Dang. Sorry, man." Lucas said.

"The guy was 19 at the time she started dating him." Brian/Hulk said.

Sean and Lucas both turned to Brian/Hulk and gave him a "WTF" look on their faces.

"Wait, you mean to tell us that she divorced you and started dating a much younger man?" Lucas asked.

"Yeah." Brian/Hulk said.

"DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK?! That's like every younger man's dream right there! Dating a mega MILF like your ex-wife! Do you know how many times I want to bang a MILF? Hell, I even fantasized about banging Reagan Foxx in front of Taylor!" Sean exclaimed. "I should give you a one-way trip down to Suplex City, bitch!"

"Let's move onto the next commercial where I read poetry." Brian/Hulk said.

"Oh, Christ." Lucas said.

(Cut to another 10-10-220 commercial, where we see Hulk Hogan reading a book called "A Poem by Hulk Hogan")

Hulk Hogan: My friends call me sensitive, I guess I am a bit. I really want to call them, but I simply can't commit.

Alf: Pee-yew! Me thinketh, that stinketh.

"Yeah, I have to agree with Alf there. That poem you came up with stinketh." Sean said.

Hulk Hogan: Alf, it's about 10-10-220.

Alf: Well, don't forget the best part: 99 cents for all calls up to 20 minutes. It's cheap. Write about that.

Hulk Hogan: I wanna write about no monthly commitment, dude!

Alf: What about no signing up?

Hulk Hogan: Yeah, I like that, brother.

Alf: Obviously from another mother.

"Well, you two couldn't be brothers because here's the thing. One eats cats while the other was eating Bubba the Love Sponge's Wife's…" Lucas said.

"Don't even think about finishing up that sentence, brother!" Brian/Hulk exclaimed.

Lucas: (Narrating) These commercials are odd and silly and whoever came up with the idea of putting those two in the same commercial, they've must've been smoking something.

Songstress: I'll have to try it. Thank you!

(The songstress waves to the cheering audience)

Hulk Hogan: I told you she was great.

Alf: You should switch to decaf.

(Hulk and Alf start snorting at each other while the "10-10-220" number appears on the screen)

Announcer: Dial 10-10-220.

"Well, you two talked about another commercial featuring me. I think it's time that we take a look at something else." Brian/Hulk said.

"NO! For God's sake, no! I think we've dealt with you too many times. I think it's time for you to leave." Sean said.

"Come on, brother! Care to take a look at Mr. Nanny?" Brian/Hulk asked.

"Don't worry, I got this." Lucas said to Sean before turning his attention to Brian/Hulk. "Hey, Hulkster. Your ex-wife Linda just texted me. She wants to take you back."

"Really? Linda wants me back? This is the best day of my life, brother! Here I come, Linda!" Brian/Hulk yelled out as he ran upstairs and out of the house.

"Was it really his ex-wife that texted you?" Sean asked.

"No. I just wanted his ass to leave out of the house. Now, let's move on to the next commercial." Lucas said as he grabbed the remote to change the channel.

(TV static transitions to: Cheers promo from 1982)

Woman: You probably think the brightest, freshest new comedy of the season would be on ABC.

"Okay, when you look at the promo, you wouldn't possibly know what the show is about." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this was an early promo for one of NBC's best and classic sitcoms. And of course, I'm talking about the Thursday night comedy staple, Cheers. Just take a look at this wonderful promo.

Woman: You probably think the brightest, freshest new comedy of the season would be on ABC. (Shakes her head "No") CBS? (Shakes her head "No") The brightest, freshest new comedy of the season is called Cheers and it's coming to NBC. That's right. NBC. That's right.

(The promo ends with a text that reads "CHEERS! This Fall on NBC")

"Uhhhh. What? Is that it?" Lucas asked with a confused look on his face.

Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, I would probably think that this show would be about cheerleader, but it takes place in a bar in Boston. Was NBC that desperate to get out of the #3 spot with that promo? No wonder the show was nearly canceled in it's first season, because of promos like that.

Woman: The brightest, freshest new comedy of the season is called Cheers and it's coming to NBC. That's right. NBC.

"Mind giving us a clip from the show to see what it's like? Or are you just gonna stand there acting like a smug, condescending bitch?" Sean asked.

Woman: That's right.

Sean: (Narrating) I'm not sure what they're trying to do here. Even Cheers writer Ken Levine posted this promo on his blog and he wasn't even sure what they're trying to do. Luckily, the show was a big hit when we got a powerhouse Thursday night lineup with shows like Family Ties, Night Court and The Cosby Show, before Cosby wasn't a perverted bastard.

"Just imagine what they would've done with Coach on ABC." Lucas said.

(Cutaway Gag Starts)

(We open with Callie, who's playing the woman from the Cheers promo)

Callie: Want to know where you could find the brightest, freshest new comedy? Is it on NBC? Nope. Is it on CBS? Don't think so. Is it on Fox? No way. The brightest, freshest new comedy of the season is called Coach and it's coming to ABC. That's right. ABC. Not NBC, not CBS and definitely not Fox. Coach is coming to A-B-C. That's right.

(We cut to a text that reads "COACH, Coming to ABC". We then see the ABC logo)

(Cutaway Gag Ends)

Lucas: (Narrating) Look, if you want to promote your new show, you've got to do better. You can thank Brandon Tartikoff for saving the show (A picture of NBC executive Brandon Tartikoff is shown).

Woman: The brightest, freshest new comedy of the season is called Cheers and it's coming to NBC. That's right. NBC. That's right.

(The promo ends with a text that reads "CHEERS! This Fall on NBC")

Sean: (V/O) EXPLAIN!

(TV static transitions to: Kenny Rogers' Roasters commercial circa 1995)

(The commercial opens with a shot of Kenny Rogers walking on an open road, which is followed by a shot of a family setting up a table from outside.)

Kenny Rogers: You know, a lot of us grew up with family barbecues being something of a tradition.

"Ah, alongside getting high with Willie Nelson, drinking crow with George Strait and attempting to motor boat Dolly Parton's big massive honkers." Lucas smirked.

Sean: (Narrating) Yes, fans, it's time to talk about the Gambler himself, Kenny Rogers.

(Clips of Kenny Rogers play around in a montage while the song "Lady" plays around in the background.)

Sean: Yeah, in the '70s and '80s, Kenny Rogers built up a reputation for being one of country music's greatest crooners of his time and generation. His career first started off in the '60s as a member of The New Christy Minstrels before breaking off on his own in the late '60s to form The First Edition who hit it off big with hits such as "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town" and "Just Checked In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)".

Lucas: (Narrating) When the '70s rolled around, he shifted over to country music where Kenny Rogers blew up like a cannon with hits like "Lucille", "She Believes In Me", "Through The Years", "Lady", "Islands In The Stream", the whole fricking works.

"But his star began to dwindle a bit around the '90s as time went on," Sean replied before asking, "Just what exactly do you do in order to maintain your star power?"

"Open your own restaurant, of course!" Lucas and Sean shouted in unison.

Lucas: (Narrating) Let's see what Mr. Rogers has to say about these traditions being special.

Kenny Rogers: A time to be together. To laugh together to share a few stories. A time to look across the table at the people you love the most.

"Yeah, I deal with that when Taylor's parents come and visit for Sunday dinner, along with my mom. Then, things get rowdy when my drunk Uncle Wade shows up and tries to hit on Taylor." Sean said. "Ah, good times."

(We cut to a shot of Kenny standing in front of a light blue pickup truck and the next scene cuts to a little girl holding a Kenny Rogers' Roasters bag)

Kenny Rogers: And in my mind, that time's worth more than anything else we could ever give each other.

"Like what?" Lucas asked.

(The next scene cuts to a shot of a plate of Kenny's barbeque chicken with a side of cole slaw, baked beans and cornbread while the "Down-Right Kickin' BBQ Chicken" logo is shown on the right corner)

Female Announcer: Introducing Kenny's brand-new BBQ chicken. Perfectly cooked and basted in a savory sauce.

"Boy, Kenny Rogers sure do make chicken look good. And I'm not saying that just because I'm black. That is some damn good chicken. I wish there was a Kenny Rogers' Roasters here in Cincinnati. I don't care how far I have to drive out to get some of Kenny's chicken. Is his restaurant still open?" Sean asked Lucas.

"I hate to break it to you, broski, but Kenny Rogers' Roasters closed all of it's operations in the US. They now operate in Asia." Lucas said.

"Oh, that is just bullshit! I missed out on Kenny Rogers' Roasters and it's delicious chicken?! The only places where I go to get some chicken are Popeye's and KFC. Man, I'm depressed now. Why you gotta leave us, Kenny? Why?" Sean asked.

Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, if you want to get yourselves some of that delicious chicken, then you have to fly down to Asia to get yourselves some of Kenny Rogers' chicken. They'll decorate your life.

"Oh, my God! WHY?!" Sean cried out into his pillow.

"I know. I know. Let's wrap this commercial up before you start crying." Lucas said.

Female Announcer: Try our Down-Right Kickin' BBQ chicken today.

(The commercial ends with a shot of the restaurant)

Male Announcer: Kenny Rogers' Roasters. There's goodness here.

(A clip from Seinfeld is shown)

Newman (Played by Wayne Knight): It's the wood that makes it good.

(TV static transitions to: Homefront "Restaurant" PSA)

(The commercial opens with a family in a restaurant as a waitress approaches their table)

Father: (To his children) You're doing a real good job on your picture.

"Well, this seems like a harmless, little commercial. You have a family sitting at a table. Okay. Let's see how this plays out." Sean said.

Waitress: Would you like some coffee?

Father: Please.

(The waitress pours some coffee into the father's cup. She ends up spilling some of it all over the cup. The father sighs a bit after seeing some of his coffee spilled)

Mother: I would like some more too, please.

Waitress: Sure.

Father: She spilled my coffee.

(The little girl covers her face with her hand)

"I'm pretty sure that was an accident. She didn't mean to spill his coffee." Lucas said.

Waitress: I'm sorry, sir.

Father: You fucking bitch!

"Huh?" Sean asked.

"What?" Lucas asked.

(The father grabs the waitress by her throat, strangling her and pushes her against another table)

"Whoa! What?!" Sean exclaimed with a shocked look on his face.

Father: I'LL GIVE YOU A LITTLE COFFEE!

Waitress: What are you doing?!

(The father grabs the coffee pot and pours some hot coffee on the waitress. She screams as everyone in the restaurant watches in shock)

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!" Lucas yelled out.

Waitress: (Screams) STOP IT!

Father: HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?!

Waitress: STOP IT!

(The father backhands the waitress in the face and she cries and falls off of the table while the father goes back to his seat while the other patrons rush over to her. We then cut back to Sean and Lucas as we see the shocked expressions on their faces)

Announcer: You wouldn't get away with it here. You shouldn't get away with it at home.

(We see the title screen for HomeFront and the number)

Sean and Lucas continue to sit on the couch stunned in silence for a bit before Sean says a word.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" Sean cried out.

Sean: (Narrating) Did we just witness some guy giving a waitress the 'ol Ike Turner treatment while he turns her into the chick from the "Top Chef" PSA. I think those two are sisters.

"Okay, okay. I want to know who was responsible for this PSA. I want to know right now who's responsible." Sean said.

(The Flag of Canada is shown while the song "Blame Canada" from South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut plays in the background)

"Canada? CANADA?!" Lucas exclaimed.

"GODDAMN IT!" Sean yelled out. "Canada. Really?! You guys gave us Total Drama Island and you give us a shocking PSA about domestic violence?!"

Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, Canada is the one responsible for this PSA. These Homefront PSAs show a guy beating up on a woman, reminding us that we wouldn't get away with domestic violence in a public place. Man, that is fucked up.

Sean: (Narrating) They also have another PSA for Homefront, which takes place in a boardroom, where a woman corrects a guy during a meeting and this happens.

Man: You stupid bitch! (Grabs the woman by her hair and slams her head down) Don't you ever correct me in front of people again! Who the fuck do you think you are, you ignorant cow?! You think you've got the right to tell me anything?!

(The businessman throws the woman down on the floor. He then picks up the stapler and throws it at the woman. The woman screams after she is hit by the stapler)

"Christ! Are you doing a bit much with that performance? Were you that passionate about playing the role of an abusive businessman?" Lucas asked.

Lucas: (Narrating) These two PSAs were banned from Canadian TV for being too violent, not to mention almost comical. I mean, tell me you wouldn't take these PSAs too seriously after seeing this guy's reaction after that waitress spills coffee all over.

Father: You fucking bitch!

"Yeah, I don't know how many times that I laughed from watching this PSA. I know I'm gonna go to Hell for this, but yeah, I did laugh my ass off from this. Just because of how ridiculous it is." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) I still can't believe that Canada would show something like this on TV. I mean, imagine watching a family show on TV and you come across this PSA?!

Father: She spilled my coffee.

(The little girl covers her face with her hand)

Waitress: I'm sorry, sir.

Father: You fucking bitch!

(The father grabs the waitress by her throat, strangling her and pushes her against another table)

Father: I'LL GIVE YOU A LITTLE COFFEE!

Waitress: What are you doing?!

(The father grabs the coffee pot and pours some hot coffee on the waitress. She screams as everyone in the restaurant watches in shock)

Waitress: (Screams) STOP IT!

Father: HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?!

Waitress: STOP IT!

(The father backhands the waitress in the face and she cries and falls off of the table while the father goes back to his seat while the other patrons rush over to her. We then cut to a post-commercial bumper for The Wonderful World of Disney bumper from 1998)

Announcer: We now return to The Wonderful World of Disney.

(Cut back to the father pouring hot coffee on the waitress and slaps her in the face)

"Yeah, I don't think I could come back from that after witnessing this shit! You know, this is why I don't eat at Denny's." Lucas said.

(Cut back to the father pouring hot coffee on the waitress and slaps her in the face)

"WILL YOU STOP SHOWING US THAT?! YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATHS?!" Sean yelled out.

Announcer: You wouldn't get away with it here. You shouldn't get away with it at home.

(The title screen for HomeFront and the number are shown once more)

"Okay, that's it! I think we've found the champion of the scariest PSAs of all time. I'm pretty sure that we'll be seeing more from Canada. Yeah, you guys brought burned female chefs, puppets telling us not to put things in our mouths and a father beating up on a defenseless waitress because she spilled his coffee. What's next? A PSA involving a rape whistle?! You guys are sick! Sick in the fucking head! We're keeping Catherine O'Hara, you guys can keep your waitress-beating PSA." Sean said. "Let's move on to the next commercial."

(TV static transitions to: Truth "Splode Soda" PSA circa 2000)

(The commercial opens as the camera pans in on a bridge with three people, 2 guys, 1 girl, ready to bungee jump)

"Uh, did we for some odd reason change it to MTV's Jackass? What am I watching here?" Sean asked.

(We see a woman placing three cans of Splode soda on a rock. The bungee jumpers look down at the woman enthusiastically while the woman looks up at them as she gives a thumbs up to them)

"That's one way to start a soda commercial." Lucas said.

(The camera quickly pans up to the blonde spiky-haired bungee jumper as he jumps off the bridge to make his descent. He grabs a can of Splode soda, then opens the can in mid-air, letting the soda erupt in his mouth)

"Okay, he's enjoying the taste of something squirting in his mouth way too seriously." Sean said.

(The female jumper goes next by doing a flip while jumping down, then extends her arms and grabs a second can of Splode soda. She opens the can and drinks it in mid-air as well)

Narrator: When you've got an extreme thirst, you know there's only one thing to reach for… a can of Sploooode!

"This is a woman that loves having stuff explode in her mouth." Lucas said.

(The third jumper prepares to jump, he nods to the camera)

Narrator: With 100 times the a carbonation of ordinary soft drinks, Splode is intense.

(The third jumper performs a backflip off of the bridge)

Narrator: So you think you can handle the pressure, grab a Splode and obliterate your thirst.

"Man, this sounds like an awesome soda. I want one right…" Sean said.

(The third jumper grabs the last can of Splode. As he opens up the can, it ends up exploding instead)

"FUCK!" Sean yelled out as he recoiled back in shock.

"GODDAMN!" Lucas yelled out.

(The two other bungee jumpers looked shocked, then look at each other, as the explosion obliterates the third jumper, leaving his rope to hang off the bridge. The screen then fades to orange with black text that reads, "Only one product kills a third of the people who use it." Then, we see the word "Tobacco." on the screen. The text fades out and the Truth logo fades in)

Sean and Lucas become speechless for a little bit before Lucas uttered out, "Sooooo… it's an anti-drug ad, huh? Well, crap, I thought this looked like a soda commercial!"

Sean: (Narrating) Is that what's gonna happen to me when I drink too much soda? I just explode right out of nowhere? Well, way to scare everyone into thinking soda's now bad for you.

"Because when everyone asks which one is the #1 cause of death in the world, what are people gonna suggest?" Sean asked.

"Car crashes?" Lucas said, taking a guess.

"Nuclear wars?" Sean shrugged.

"Workplace-related accidents?" Lucas shrugged as well.

"DRINKING TOO MUCH SODA?!" Sean shouted.

Lucas pointed out, "I think you forgot to mention the one thing that also causes death."

Sean turned to Lucas and said, "What could that be?"

"It's simple," Lucas nodded before saying with a smirk, "Most deaths occur just by watching this…"

(A picture of "Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas" appears.)

"OH GOD!" Sean shrieks in horror.

"Exactly, next commercial." Lucas nodded, all before changing the channel.
(TV static transitions to: Nintendo "You Cannot Beat Us" commercial from 1987)

(The commercial opens to a Nintendo commercial from Australia as the Super Mario Bros. theme plays right when the Nintendo logo is shown)

"Hey! Nintendo! One of the greatest systems of all time." Sean said. "At least I can talk about the system that my mom still has."

"She still keeps her Nintendo system?" Lucas asked.

"Yep." Sean said.

"And since we're gonna talk about Nintendo, I'm sure they're gonna have something that's family-friendly. Go ahead. Show us what's in store." Lucas said.

(The commercial plays, as we see a scary-looking block guy looking through the screen while the Castle Theme plays)

Scary Block Guy: We are Nintendo. Ultimate TV game system.

We cut back to Sean and Lucas who are both looking shocked from seeing the scary block guy.

"What the shit?" Sean asked, looking shocked.

Scary Block Guy: We challenge all players.

"What the shit?" Sean asked once more.

"This guy does not look friendly." Lucas said.

(Cut to the Zapper scene, where we see a kid playing Duck Hunt)

Scary Block Guy: (V/O) You cannot beat us. Aim your Zapper gun.

(Suddenly, the Duck Hunt Dog rises from the bottom of the screen with a scowling look in his eyes. Sean and Lucas both leap back in fear)

"JESUS CHRISTO!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out as they're both shocked out of their wits.

Duck Hunt Dog: (Sounding like Dingodile) You cannot beat us.

"Back the fuck up, Duck Hunt Dog. I will be forced to shoot you." Sean said as he pulls out his Smith & Wesson revolver.

(As the scary block guy speaks, a Smick from Gyromite creeps in from the left side while a kid is playing Gyromite with R.O.B. the Robot)

Scary Block Guy: (V/O) Even with your robot partner.

Smick: You cannot beat us.

Lucas then makes the sign of the cross while he's still shocked at the sudden appearance while Sean is busy putting the bullets in the cylinder as they both continue to watch the disturbing commercial.

(Cut to a kid playing Super Mario Bros., and he ends up getting hit by Lakitu's spiny shell)

Scary Block Guy: (V/O) Score one million.

(Lakitu is then lowered from the top and the cloud speaks)

Cloud: You cannot beat us.

Sean and Lucas are even more afraid of these disturbing, yet menacing Nintendo characters.

"Okay, please stop scaring me. You're making me more afraid of playing Mario now. Don't cut the nuts off of our childhood." Sean said.

(We then cut to a scene where we see a kid is playing Super Mario Bros. and facing off against Bowser)

Scary Block Guy: (V/O) Discover new worlds!

(Bowser then appears from the right)

Bowser: You cannot beat us.

"What the flying shitcock!" Sean yelled out as he leaps in surprise while him and Lucas are at the point of almost wetting themselves.

(We see the Scary Block Guy with all four of the CGI nightmares as they speak in unison with the words "You Cannot Beat Us" shown below them, while cutting back to Sean and Lucas with a fearful look on their faces)

Nintendo Characters: WE ARE NINTENDO. WE CHALLENGE ALL PLAYERS. YOU CANNOT BEAT US.

(The commercial ends with the Nintendo logo and the tagline)

After the commercial ends, Sean and Lucas are both staring at the camera with a terrified look on their faces.

(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)

Krusty the Clown (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): What the hell was that?!

"Okay, I'm literally afraid of you now, Nintendo!" Sean yelled out. "I'll never play any of your games ever aga…"

Nintendo Characters: WE ARE NINTENDO. WE CHALLENGE ALL PLAYERS. YOU CANNOT BEAT US.

"SHIT!" Sean yelled out.

The young critic pulled out his gun and immediately shoots at the cameraman, who falls to the floor.

"You just shot the cameraman!" Lucas exclaimed.

"Oh, shit!" Sean exclaimed. "Let's move to the next commercial before the Nintendo commercial scares us again. And before I end up shooting someone else as well."

(TV static transitions to: Taco Bell commercial featuring MC Hammer circa 1991)

(The commercial opens with a crowd of fans standing outside MC Hammer's apartment building while they're chanting out "Hammer! Hammer! Hammer!" and we see MC Hammer standing by his window, looking at the crowd of people)

"Because really, when you think of Taco Bell, you think of this sellout." Sean said as a picture of MC Hammer is shown.

(Various pictures of MC Hammer and some of his music videos while the song "U Can't Touch This" plays in the background)

Sean: (Narrating) For all of you who don't know who MC Hammer is, he's a rapper that got his start in the 80s with his first album titled "Feel My Power". Then in 1990, he made it big with his hit album "Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em", which contains the smash hit "U Can't Touch This" and he was also known for his iconic Hammer pants. He was the first "mainstream" rapper and he became a big name for television and movies with his music being used. During the heyday of his career, he was criticized for being a "sellout" when he appeared in major marketing campaigns for companies.

(A clip from a Pepsi commercial from 1990 featuring MC Hammer is shown)

Narrator: MC Hammer, rap star and Pepsi drinker. Well today, we secretly replaced his Pepsi with Coke.

(We see somebody pouring some Coca-Cola into MC Hammer's glass. Hammer takes a quick break to drink some Pepsi, but ends up drinking the glass of Coke)

Narrator: Let's see what happens.

(Hammer returns to the stage and begins a rendition of the Morris Albert song, "Feelings")

MC Hammer: (Sings) Feelings. Nothing more than feelings. Feelings of loooooove…

(The audience and his dance troupe are left stunned in disbelief)

Young Fan: Yo, Hammer!

(A young fan in the front row offers Hammer a sip of his Pepsi and Hammer drinks it)

MC Hammer: Proper.

Lucas: (Narrating) And this time, it's Taco Bell's turn to have MC Hammer appear in their commercial and boy, does this scream out '90s.

Hammer's Entourage #1: Yo, Hammer, I'm starving. Let's get some burgers.

"Good lord almighty. I think I see something much more ridiculous. It's that dude's hair!" Sean pointed out.

(Cut to the guy and his ridiculous hairstyle)

Sean: (Narrating) Did he think that was a good idea at the time? I mean, when you're part of MC Hammer's entourage, you gotta have the most ridiculous hairstyle.

MC Hammer: Burgers? Man, that's out the door! I got something much better in mind.

Hammer's Entourage #2: Through them? Ain't no way we could get through all that.

MC Hammer: Oh yeah we can. Come on, let's break.

(Hammer opens the door as him and his entourage leave his apartment. Right when the elevator door opens, a group of fans spot him and chase after him while the song "Yo! Sweetness" starts playing)

"And because this is a commercial featuring MC Hammer, you gotta have one of his songs playing." Lucas said.

(MC Hammer and his entourage head for the stairs and run up to the roof and we see a Pepsi vending machine right behind Hammer)

"Oh, now ain't that some shameful product placement here." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) You have a Pepsi vending machine in a Taco Bell commercial. It's no surprise that you see one of his dance crew members drinking a can of Pepsi and Taco Bell is owned by PepsiCo.

"Either that or we can call him a sellout." Sean said.

"Okay, that too." Lucas said.

(Hammer and his entourage head for the roof and they start dancing)

"Oh, so we're dancing now? I guess it's time for a little dance break." Sean said.

(We see Hammer and his crew dancing on the roof before cutting back to Sean and Lucas, who are both seen dancing and doing the Hammer Dance as Taylor enters his man cave and sees them dancing)

"What the hell are you two doing?" Taylor asked.

"Get out of here, woman! We're dancing here!" Lucas shouted.

"Yeah! What he said!" Sean shouted as well.

"You guys look like idiots." Taylor said, rolling her eyes at Sean and Lucas before heading back upstairs.

(The female fans run up the stairs to the roof as the next scene cuts to MC Hammer doing the Hammer Dance on a wooden plank to make it across to another rooftop)

"Okay, did MC Hammer stumble across the set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?" Sean asked.

(The same rooftop set from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) is shown)

Sean: (Narrating) I'm not kidding. That is the same set used from the movie. You remember the scene where the turtles are fighting the Foot Clan and Shredder on the rooftop? Same buildings and all. I swear, if they come across Splinter dropping the Shredder into a garbage truck…

(The cheering crowd look up and spot MC Hammer and his dance crew making their way across the rooftops. The female fans make it to the roof as Hammer and his crew make their escape by jumping off the roof)

"Or he might land into the back of a garbage truck just like Shredder." Lucas said.

(The female fans gasp as MC Hammer falls until he safely lands via his parachute pants in front of Taco Bell as "Yo! Sweetness" starts playing once more)

MC Hammer: Now that's the way the Hammer runs for the border.

Dance Crew Member #1: 'Cause the border's in order.

"Well, at least this commercial is better than Hammerman. I can tell you that right now. Also, I feel like I want some Taco Bell right about now. I am hungry!" Sean exclaimed as he rubbed his stomach.

(The text "59 cents" is shown followed by shots of the various foods of Taco Bell)

"59 cents for a taco? Okay, where's a time machine? Somebody get me one! Call Doc Brown!" Lucas exclaimed.

(TV static transitions to: Fox Network "Get Over It" PSA featuring Danny Masterson from 1999)

(The PSA opens with Danny Masterson and we see the text "DANNY MASTERSON, That 70's Show")

Danny Masterson: You know what being a man is all about?

"Oh, this aged extremely well." Sean said in a sarcastic tone.

Danny Masterson: It's not about playing tough. It's not about guns. It's not about kicking butt. It's not about pretending to be cool.

"So, what is it about, Hyde? Is it about you being a raging rapist?" Lucas asked.

Danny Masterson: It's about being a good son. It's about someday being a good father.

"You are none of those things, my friend." Sean said.

Danny Masterson: It's about taking care of the people you care about.

(A clip from Days of Our Lives is shown)

Holly Jonas (Played by Ashley Puzemis): I think I'm going to be sick.

Danny Masterson: It's about being respected for who you are and not who you can beat up.

"You won't be respected in prison and I'm sure the inmates are going to beat you up when they see you." Lucas said.

(We then see the text "Violence, Get Over It")

Announcer: Violence. Get over it.

"Okay, is this a joke?" Sean chuckled.

Sean: (Narrating) This cannot be real! You're doing a PSA about you being a good man. This is every line that you could make a joke out of.

"And you want to know what being a man is all about? Don't be like Danny Masterson. What else could we say about this? This did not age well at all." Lucas said.

Announcer: Violence. Get over it.

(A clip from That 70's Show is shown)

Red Forman (Played by Kurtwood Smith): My foot is about to drill a hole in your ass!
(TV static transitions to: "WWE SmackDown: Here Comes The Pain" video game commercial featuring Brock Lesnar circa 2003)

Narrator: Rated T for Teen.

"Oh, kickass," Sean smirked, "We're getting another video game commercial!"

"Oh, this is gonna be good." Lucas said, smirking with anticipation.

(The commercial opens with Brock Lesnar entering from the locker room door, switching from real life and the game footage WWE SmackDown: Here Comes The Pain.)

Brock Lesnar: (Narrating) When you're Brock Lesnar, you gotta watch your back.

"Because there's a good chance those people from the Minnesota Vikings may steal you away from the WWE." Lucas replied.

Lucas: (Narrating) Oh, man. If you were a big wrestling fan growing up in the early to mid 2000s, you may be familiar with this commercial. Yep, it's the commercial promoting WWE SmackDown: Here Comes The Pain for the PlayStation 2.

(Clips of game footage from WWE SmackDown: Here Comes The Pain plays while an 8-bit rendition of Brock Lesnar's theme song plays in the background.)

Sean: (Narrating) It was a part of the SmackDown series of video games that our good friends at THQ made exclusively for the PlayStation, which would soon evolve into the SmackDown vs. RAW series, and then when 2K Sports bought the rights, it would soon transform into the WWE 2K series with the latest game, WWE 2K24 released just recently in the spring of 2024.

Sean then said with a distressed sigh, "And if you have to ask, this is the same video game series that also gave us this…"

(A picture of WWE 2K20 featuring Becky Lynch and Roman Reigns pops up.)

Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, we don't EVER talk about that game unfortunately.

"Well, now that we got that mess out of the way, lets have Brock Lesnar tell every kid watching at home why we have to watch our back." Lucas replied before smirking, "Unless Brock Lesnar is telling us we're being stalked."

Brock Lesnar: Chris Benoit tried to take me out…

(Switches to more gameplay where Chris Benoit performs a flying double axe handle on top of the Elimination Chamber door. Moves back to Brock Lesnar giving Chris Benoit a death stare.)

Brock Lesnar:... in the Elimination Chamber.

(We then see Chris Benoit slingshot Brock Lesnar towards the Chamber chain fence, before moving to a shot where Chris Benoit is hitting Brock Lesnar with a top-rope elbow drop.)

Chris Benoit: You're nothing, Lesnar.

(Moves to a shot where Chris Benoit is doing a cutthroat gesture.)

"Yikes, that really gives me chills." Sean shriveled nervously.

"You really want something that'll give you chills?" Lucas said to Sean, "Then go google Chris Benoit for a surprise."

Sean rolled his eyes, "All right then. Don't know why you asked me to do so, I mean, what's so scary about this guy that I don't even–"

However, Sean's sentence becomes cut off when he widens his eyes in shock and horror at what he sees.

"Holy shit!" Sean exclaimed. "You mean…"

"Yeah." Lucas said.

(A montage of pictures featuring Chris Benoit are shown)

Lucas: (Narrating) In case you didn't know, on June 24, 2007, Chris Benoit killed his wife Nancy and his 7-year-old son Daniel before he committed suicide. Yeah, how shocking is that? In fact, WWE at one time cancelled a taping of Monday Night RAW at Corpus Christi, Texas to do a Chris Benoit Tribute Clip Show. When they learned about what Chris Benoit did the day after that episode aired, WWE erased him entirely from the company's history, making no mention of Benoit or any of his accomplishments from here on out.

"This guy now literally makes Voldemort from 'Harry Potter' more accepting of society," Sean nodded. "In fact, can we give Chris Benoit the gimmick of 'He That Shall Not Be Named' from now on?"

(We see Brock Lesnar see and walk past John Cena.)

Brock Lesnar: And that punk John Cena…

John Cena: *to Brock* I run this terrain. Here comes the pain.

(We cut to game footage of John Cena attacking Brock Lesnar backstage with a sledgehammer, before seeing John Cena perform an Attitude Adjustment on Brock Lesnar outside Madison Square Garden and inside a parking lot.)

Brock Lesnar: …came after me backstage.

"Of course, John Cena would come after you, Brock," Lucas replied. "I mean, nobody else can see him."

"Hell, he's basically right here at my house right now." Sean replied, pointing to the left.

The camera then scrolls to an empty corner around the wall for hilarious effect.

"Yep, that's John Cena for you, everyone." Sean winked to the camera, "He even makes a good security system as well."

"We need him for when Hulk Hogan shows up again." Lucas said.

Brock Lesnar: But no matter what they do. No matter how hard they try. There is nothing and no one that can stop me…

(The record scratches as Torrie Wilson walks up to Brock Lesnar in only her pink bra and matching panties)

Torrie Wilson: You and me. Bra and panties match, right now.

"Well, damn," Sean smirked, "If a game let's Brock Lesnar do that to a chick, then sign me the hell up."

"Me too," Lucas nodded before saying, "Can't wait to see how that match turns out."

(Cuts to gameplay of Torrie Wilson and Sable in a Bra and Panties match.)

"Okay, that's not Brock Lesnar." Sean shook his head.

"Of course it's not, because that's actually Brock Lesnar's real-life wife, Sable," Lucas pointed out, "And I believe she kicked Torrie's ass for leering at her husband in the first place."

"Wow, this game definitely has a lot of foreshadowing, huh?" Sean replied.

(Cuts to Brock Lesnar holding a bra in hand.)

Brock Lesnar: I win.

Narrator: No, Brock. WE all win.

"Even the Narrator tells it like it is." Lucas pointed out again.

Sean then replied with a simple nod, "And looking at the reviews at this game, this says a lot."

Sean: (Narrating) When you're talking about which game is best of the wrestling genre, some may say WrestleMania: The Arcade Game and WWF No Mercy, but WWE SmackDown: Here Comes The Pain definitely is the holy grail. Just imagine this discussion going on.

(Cutaway gag begins.)

(We see Lucas and Oliver, both dressed up as wrestling fans, argue in each other's faces. Lucas is dressed up in a Bret "Hitman" Hart T-shirt and holding up a copy of WWF WrestleMania: The Arcade Game for the Sony PlayStation while Oliver is dressed up in a "Stone Cold" Steve Austin T-shirt and holding up a copy of WWF No Mercy for the Nintendo 64.

Lucas: WWF WrestleMania: The Arcade Game for the PlayStation is the best!

Oliver: No, WWF No Mercy for the Nintendo 64 is the best.

Lucas: But this game has digitized graphics and the best fighter, Bret "Hitman" Hart!

Oliver: But my game has a big story mode and you get to play as a Ho!

(We see Sean appearing right alongside Lucas and Oliver. Sean is seen wearing a John Cena T-shirt.)

Sean: Guys… get on MY level.

(Sean then holds up a copy of WWE SmackDown: Here Comes The Pain for the PlayStation 2 up in the air, all while the chest-opening sound from The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past is playing in the background. The game is then shining all around, which knocks both Lucas and Oliver to the floor.)

Sean: That's right, pay your respects to the GOAT itself.

"Yep," Lucas pointed out yet again, "THAT says it all."

Narrator: WWE SmackDown: Here Comes The Pain.

Sean: (V.O.) Warning. May include murderers.

(TV static transitions to: Johnson's Baby Oil commercial from 1984 featuring Robin Curtis)

(The commercial opens with a woman, played by Robin Curtis, who's finished taking a shower)

Woman (Played by Robin Curtis): Did your skin feel dry in the winter? Mine does. So after every shower, I use Johnson's Baby Oil.

(The bottle of Johnson's Baby Oil is shown)

"Oh, dear God!" Sean exclaimed. "Why? Just why? Why does it have to be a product that P. Diddy uses at his Freak-Off parties?"

Woman: That way I dry off soft. While I'm still wet, I smooth on with Johnson's.

(The woman applies some Johnson's Baby Oil on her skin)

"That's what P. Diddy does to people behind closed doors. Why do you think the FBI raided his home and found a shitload of baby oil?" Lucas asked.

(The scene cuts to an animated woman applying baby oil on her skin and we see the text "Moisture Seal" on the screen that's holding in moisture)

Woman: (V/O) It mixes with the water on my skin and forms a lasting moisture seal, that helps hold in moisture.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it helps hold in moisture. It'll probably make you slippery and oily." Sean said.

Woman: I don't feel greasy, just dewey soft all over.

"Hell, it's bad enough that you got Lt. Saavik in the commercial so she can talk about baby oil." Lucas said.

(A picture of Robin Curtis as Lt. Saavik from Star Trek III: The Search for Spock is shown)

Lucas: (Narrating) And you think I'm joking, that's actually Robin Curtis from Star Trek III and Star Trek IV.

Woman: I don't feel greasy, just dewey soft all over.

"It's also great for when you have a Diddy Party." Sean said, imitating the woman.

Sean: (Narrating) I cannot believe to see Robin Curtis in a Johnson's Baby Oil commercial. God, it's bad enough that she was in that stupid Santa With Muscles movie.

"And by the way, I'm NOT reviewing that movie. No way. That ain't happening. I'm not trying to deal with Hulk Hogan during the holidays." Sean said.

"I would rather watch her getting attracted to Dan Fielding in an episode of Night Court." Lucas said.

Woman: That way I dry off soft. While I'm still wet, I smooth on with Johnson's.

(A clip from Night Court is shown)

Dr. Judith Malloy (Played by Robin Curtis): Oh, Dan! Make me scream like a banshee!

(Cut back to the commercial)

Woman: After your next shower, don't just dry off dry. Dry off soft.

(The text "Dry Off Soft" is shown before cutting to a shot of the bottle of Johnson's Baby Oil, followed by the text "Johnson & Johnson)

Woman: (V/O) With Johnson's Baby Oil from Johnson & Johnson.

(A picture of P. Diddy is shown)

Lucas: (V/O as Announcer) This message has been brought to you by P. Diddy.

(TV static transitions to: Burger King "Have It Your Way" commercial circa 1974)

(The commercial opens with a family stepping out of their car and heading to Burger King after we get a shot of the Burger King sign)

Singers: Have it your way, have it your way. Have it your way at Burger King.

"Now here's a commercial with a catchy song… that would become a meme years from now." Sean said.

(Cut to the current Burger King Whopper commercial)

Male Singer: (Sings) Whopper, Whopper, Whopper, Whopper. Junior, Double, Triple Whopper. Flame-grilled taste with perfect toppers, I rule this day.

"Oh, yeah. Definitely memeworthy." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) Back in 1974, Burger King released this commercial and yes, it is pretty catchy. In this commercial, you have a family going to Burger King and the father orders some Whoppers for his family.

Female Cashier: May I help you, sir?

Father: Two Whoppers, two Whopper Jrs. and four Coca-Cola. And would I have to wait long if you made one Whopper with no pickle and no lettuce?

Female Cashier: No sir. (Starts singing) Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce. Special orders don't upset us. All we ask is that you let us serve it your way.

"Since when do the female cashiers sing to you at Burger King?" Lucas asked.

"I wish someone would start singing when I order myself a Triple Whopper." Sean said.

Mother: Oh, well. In that case, could I have the other Whopper with extra ketchup?

Female Cashier: Sure.

"Who the hell gets extra ketchup on their Whopper?" Lucas asked. "That's a lot of ketchup right there."

(The commercial plays while a screencap from The King of Queens is shown featuring Doug putting ketchup all over Arthur's burger)

Sean: (Narrating) That's like something that Doug Heffernan would do if you mispronounce "ketchup".

Female Cashier: (Sings) We can serve your grilled-beef Whopper, fresh with everything on topper. Any way you think is proper, have it your way.

(The cashier hands the family their meals)

Father: Now that's the way to do things our way.

(We then cut to the Burger King logo while the tagline "Have It Your Way" is shown in different colors while see the family enjoying their Whoppers)

Singers: Have it your way, have it your way! Have it your way at Burger King!

"Okay, not bad. Not bad at all. It's an instant classic." Sean said.

"Let's not forget the other one." Lucas said.

"What other one?" Sean asked.

"The other Whopper commercial. And trust me, you're gonna love this one." Lucas said.

(We cut to another Burger King commercial, where we see a black man entering Burger King and approaches the counter while groovy '70s style tune starts playing)

Cashier: May I help you, sir?

Man: If I wanted a Whopper and I asked you to hold the pickles and hold the lettuce, I know I'd get that fast, but would I get to hear you sing?

Cashier: No, sir.

Man: No?

"Wait, so this Burger King doesn't have the cashier sing to you? Oh, this is some bull…" Sean said.

Cashier: You get to hear us sing.

(The two other female cashiers join her)

Cashier: Girls.

(The three cashiers break into a soul number and start singing)

Cashiers: (Sings) Ooh! Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce. Special orders don't upset us. All we ask is that you let us serve it your way.

Man: Alright!

"Hey, not bad." Lucas said.

"Yeah. I like this one better than the other one." Sean said as him and Lucas both snapped their fingers to the funky tune.

Cashier: (Sing) Yeah yeah! We can serve your grilled-beef Whopper, fresh with everything on topper. Anyway you think is proper, have it your way.

Man: Hey, you got one big hit on your hands.

Cashier: Well, the Whopper's one big hamburger.

"You know they that the Whopper is one bad mother…" Lucas said.

"Shut your mouth!" Sean exclaimed.

"I'm just talkin' about the Whopper." Lucas said.

"We can dig it." Sean said.

Lucas: (Narrating) Amazing! Just amazing! Which one would you like to hear? The one that's sounds like something that the Brady Bunch would sing?

(Cut to the first commercial)

Father: Two Whoppers, two Whopper Jrs. and four Coca-Cola. And would I have to wait long if you made one Whopper with no pickle and no lettuce?

Female Cashier: No sir. (Starts singing) Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce. Special orders don't upset us. All we ask is that you let us serve it your way.

"Or would you want to hear the funky soul version that after you hear it for the first time, it makes you want to get a Whopper right now?" Lucas asked.

(Cut to the second commercial)

Cashiers: (Sings) Ooh! Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce. Special orders don't upset us. All we ask is that you let us serve it your way.

Man: Alright!

"Or would want to hear this?" Sean asked.

(Cut to the current commercial)

Male Singer: (Sings) Whopper, Whopper, Whopper, Whopper. Junior, Double, Triple Whopper. Flame-grilled taste with perfect toppers, I rule this day.

"Yeah, I'd rather get the funky soul version." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Man, I wish that I would go to Burger King and that somebody would break into a soul number every time I order a Whopper. Yeah, McDonald's ain't got shit on Burger King.

"Kudos to you, Burger King. Kudos to you for creating one of the catchiest songs of all time. Boy, now I want to go to Burger King right now. Maybe I'll get one of the cashiers to sing for me." Lucas said.

(The commercial ends with a shot of the man eating the Whopper followed by the cashiers singing the jingle while the text "Have It Your Way" is shown on screen)

Cashier: (Sings) Yeah!

Cashiers: (Sings) Have it your way, have it your way! Have it your way at Burger King!

Cashier: Come on now!

(TV static transitions to: Donald Trump: The Game board game commercial circa 1988)

(The commercial opens with a businessman with glasses on the phone)

Businessman With Glasses: Everything is set for tomorrow, Mr. Trump.

"Oh, sweet Jesus. Not this asshole again." Sean said, making a facepalm in disgust.

(Cut to two businessmen sitting in the back of a limo while reading the newspaper)

Older Businessman: I wonder what Trump's game is this time.

"Yeah, we all want to know what the Orange Menace's game is. People would like to know." Lucas said.

Stockbroker #1: Trump's got a new game!

Stockbroker #2: (On the phone) Hey, Trump's got a new deal!

Businessman #2: (On the phone) What's your game, Donald?

Jogger #1: Heard about Trump's new deal?

Jogger #2: What? What?

(A stack of newspapers with the headline "TRUMP HAS A NEW GAME!" and the byline that reads "WHAT IS IT?" and a picture of Donald Trump is shown)

Announcer: Trump has a new game! What is it?

"I'm hoping that the new game is not called "Grab 'Em By the Pussy". Please, God. No." Sean said.

(We cut to a shot of Trump Tower as the camera pans down on the reporters as they approach Trump's limo while they ask him various questions before the next scene cuts to Donald Trump sitting on his desk right next to Trump: The Game)

Donald Trump: My new game is Trump: The Game.

(We cut to a shot of the board game while a group of people are playing it)

Announcer: Trump: The Game, where you deal for everything you ever wanted to own.

Lucas: (Narrating) Before he became president… again and getting shot at, Donald Trump had a board game back in 1989, and it sucked ass! This is basically Monopoly, but Trumpified.

Announcer: Trump: The Game, where you deal for everything you ever wanted to own.

"A game where you deal for everything you ever wanted to own. Like the Republican Party." Sean said.

Announcer: Because it's not whether you win or lose, it's whether you win.

"Isn't that what he said when he beat Kamala Harris during the election?" Lucas asked.

"God, that is the Trumpest line I've ever heard in my life." Sean said.

Announcer: Because it's not whether you win or lose, it's whether you win.

Blonde Businesswoman: Yes!

(A shot of Trump: The Game is shown along with the Milton Bradley logo)

Announcer: Play Trump: The Game, from Milton Bradley.

Donald Trump: I think you'll like it.

We cut back to Sean and Lucas as they both crack up from Trump's line at the end of the commercial.

"What?" Sean asked, laughing a bit.

Donald Trump: I think you'll like it.

"Are you serious? You think we'll like playing your game?" Sean asked.

"Yeah, nobody likes your game. And when you brought it back 20 years ago after the success of The Apprentice, they still didn't like your game." Lucas said..

Sean: (Narrating) You can't be serious. You really think that you're going to make board games great again with this trash game? We all know that your game sucks. Hell, your game still sucks today. And I pray to God that Trump doesn't bring the game back when he returns to the White House.

"God, I dread knowing the fact that he's going to be back as President. The whole world is gonna go to shit because of him. And I have a confession to make. You guys aren't going to believe this, and I've kept this secret for years and I haven't told it to people since. But I will. My mom actually owns Trump: The Game." Sean said.

(The audience gasp in shock)

"Wait, your mom has the game?" Lucas asked. "Please tell me that she hasn't played it with her friends."

"Oh, no. That game's never been opened for years. Which is why I snuck it out of her house and brought it here." Sean said as he sits the unopened board game down on his table. "You see this here? This is Trump: The Game and it belonged to my mom. I'm gonna do to it I should've done in a long time and I'm pretty sure that my mom won't kill me for this, mostly because she doesn't care for Trump. But, I'm sure she won't miss this game."

"What are you going to do to Trump: The Game?" Lucas asked.

A devilish grin appears on Sean's face before the next scene cuts to the young critic heading into his garage and throws the game at a wall before beating it viciously with an aluminum baseball bat multiple times before taking it outside.

"Hey, Donald! This is what I think of your game." Sean said

The camera zooms out to reveal Sean holding a flamethrower, setting the game on fire.

"BURN, YOU SON OF A BITCH! BURN!" Sean yelled out.

The young critic continued to set the game on fire with his flamethrower like he's Claude from Grand Theft Auto III. Sean let out a sigh of relief and watched as the game burned in the roaring fire after he unleashed his rage on it. He heads back inside the house and made his way downstairs to his man cave and sat down next to Lucas before turning his attention to the camera and says this.

"Hey, Trump. You're fired!" Sean exclaimed as he points at the camera.

"Well, that's all for another Commercials special for this year. And there will be more commercials next year when we continue these things." Lucas said.

"I agree," Sean nodded to Lucas before looking at the camera, "So on behalf of UltimateWarriorFan4Ever, this is Sean The Mayhem Critic and just as a way to say 'I'll see you next time', here's an out of context clip courtesy of MadTV, featuring Kenny Rogers."

(A clip of the show MadTV is shown, featuring Will Sasso as Kenny Rogers.)

Kenny Rogers (played by Will Sasso): Excuse me, officer. I lost my doggy up in the park…

(Kenny then takes the gun out of the cop's pocket and runs right to the park, shooting himself right in the calf muscle. The cop then beats the crap out of him with a nightstick.)

Kenny Rogers: OW! OW! OW!

Mayhem Critic Tagline - Stop it. Get some help.

And we did it! We got through Commercials XIII. Hopefully, we didn't take too long with this one. Yep, it took some time, but hey, at least you all deserve a Christmas present from me. You know, now that I did mention Christmas, I think it's about time I review something Christmas related next chapter. What will I review, you ask? Well, how about the 2004 holiday disaster known as Surviving Christmas? Is it one of the worst Christmas movies ever made? Will it drive Sean insane like Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas? And after Surviving Christmas, it's Mickey's Christmas Carol. Make sure you comment, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates, all that good stuff. If you want to do a co-review or if there's any nostalgic movie or TV show you want me to talk about, then PM me if you're interested. Till next time, my fellow readers.