The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean the Mayhem Critic and Lucas talked about a new batch of commercials in Commercials XIII. Today, it's December and Sean is getting festive for the holiday season. And what better way to kick off the Christmas season by talking about some Christmas movies and first on the list is the Ben Affleck holiday disaster film called Surviving Christmas. Will this film put a damper on Sean's Christmas spirit? Sit back, relax and grab some Evan Williams Eggnog because this is gonna suck. This is the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Surviving Christmas is owned by Dreamworks Pictures.
Episode 228
Surviving Christmas
(The Mayhem Critic intro is shown. After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic, Sean J. Archer, sitting in his Man Cave, which is decorated with Christmas decorations)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. Suddenly, his eyes widened as though he remembered something. "Wait a minute, it's December. I guess it's time for me to change into something different. Hold on. I've always wanted to do this."
The young movie critic got up from off of his couch and stood in the middle of the room.
"It's morphin' time!" Sean exclaimed.
(Suddenly, we get a Power Rangers Zeo-style morphing sequence)
"Zeo Ranger One, Christmas." Sean said as his blue Kentucky sweatshirt changes to his Stranger Things Eleven Days of Christmas sweatshirt. "Ah, there we go. That's more festive. Now…."
Sean began to look down at his feet, only to see that his white Adidas sneakers are replaced by some red high heels on his feet.
"GODDAMN IT! Why did it have to happen to me? That was not supposed to be part of the outfit. All right, just start the intro." Sean said as nothing happens. "Start the intro. START THE GODDAMN INTRO!"
(The title screen for "Surviving Christmas" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, what better way to kick off the holiday season is by taking a look at a crappy Christmas movie. Released in theaters on October 22nd, 2004. Really? A Christmas movie released in October. Why couldn't it be a scary movie that takes place during Christmas? (A picture of the film's director is shown as well as the movies he's directed) The movie was directed by Mike Mitchell, who was known for directing the films Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, Shrek Forever After, Sky High, The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water, Trolls, The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part, Kung Fu Panda 4 and…
(A clip from Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked is shown)
Brittany (Voiced by Christina Applegate), Jeanette (Voiced by Anna Faris) and Eleanor (Voiced by Amy Poehler): (Singing) I whip my tail back and forth! I whip my tail back and forth! I whip my tail back and forth! I whip my tail back and forth!
"Yeah, that movie that the Nostalgia Critic reviewed." Sean said.
(More clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie stars Ben Affleck, who was hitting a slump in his career with this film being the fourth film that failed miserably in his career. The other three were Gigli, Paycheck and Jersey Girl. Yikes. And this is the second Christmas movie that I reviewed starring Ben Affleck. This movie had a troubled production. The movie was shot without a completed script. Plus, there were many delays and arguments over what to shoot. The cast and crew had to deal with a verbally abusive cinematographer, who was eventually replaced, Jennifer Lopez, Affleck's girlfriend at the time, would occasionally visit the set and once got into a spat with his co-star Christina Applegate. The film only managed to bring in about $15 million against a $45 million dollar budget. It was panned by critics and audiences and was nominated for three Golden Raspberry Awards. Yeah, that's how bad this movie is. It's been 20 years since this movie's been released and we're gonna talk about it and make sure I don't lose my mind from watching it.
"Well, let's see why this movie is going to make us hate the holiday season. This is Surviving Christmas." Sean said.
(The movie begins with a montage of Chicago at Christmas as we see a guy wrapping a gift wrong with the wrapping paper inside out, a depressed man throwing away his wallet, watch and ring in the Salvation Army bin and an old lady sticking her head in the oven while the song "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" by Andy Williams is playing)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie begins as we get a montage of Chicago during the Christmas season. We see some incompetent schmuck trying to wrap a Christmas gift and he's played by SpongeBob himself, Tom Kenny, and he ends up raging, a guy throwing his belonging in a Salvation Army bin, a guy hanging the Christmas lights up and he falls off the ladder, a woman who's lonely on Christmas and…
(The old lady opens the oven and sticks her head inside)
We cut back to Sean as we see a shocked look on his face as he stares at the camera in silence for a couple of minutes before saying a word.
"What the fuck was that?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) I'm sorry, but were you trying to be funny here? That's just mean-spirited right there. How come we went from SpongeBob wrapping a Christmas gift like a complete idiot to seeing grandma killing herself by sticking her head inside the oven?
"You know, the original opening of the movie was much dark." Sean said.
(We see the old lady sticking her head inside the oven right when the song ends, then we cut to a clip from Omen III: The Final Conflict, where we see the U.S. Ambassador to Great Britain committing suicide by shooting himself in the face)
"Okay, I know that didn't happen in the original opening, but don't we all wish we could just shoot ourselves after seeing that opening?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) After that cold-hearted opening, we're introduced to a rich and successful ad executive by the name of Drew Latham, played by Ben Affleck, where we see him pitching an ad for spiked eggnog.
Drew Latham (Played by Ben Affleck): Now, I'd like you to meet the Noggertons.
(Drew shows the other ad executives a picture of a family standing beside a bottle of alcoholic eggnog with a Christmas hat on top of the cap)
Drew Latham: They're a classic American family. They're together on Christmas, they're fat-free and they're 10 percent alcohol by volume. Enjoy our family, so you can enjoy your family. What do you think?
Suit (Played by Peter Jason): So you're suggesting we tell people that the only way to get through the holidays is to drink spiked eggnog?
Drew Latham: I'm suggesting the only way to get through the holidays is to buy your farm-fresh, fat-free, pre-spiked eggnog in a bottle.
"Really? You're going for that pitch? You're trying to tell me that families suck during the holidays and we need alcohol to get through it? Boy, I'm gonna need some after seeing that old lady sticking her head in the oven." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They go for his pitch and Drew is happy about it. Afterwards, he spends some time with his girlfriend Missy, played by Jennifer Morrison, and wants to take their relationship to the next level by surprising her with a little Christmas gift, which happens to be two first class tickets to Fiji, which she doesn't take it pretty well.
Missy Vangilder (Played by Jennifer Morrison): Drew, on Christmas? Christmas is the family holiday. I mean, what are we doing? What is this? I mean, what is going on? I mean, where is this relationship headed?
"Going down the friggin' crapper, if this is how you handle one disagreement." Sean said.
Missy Vangilder: You've never introduced me to your family. You've never even mentioned your family. Do you even have a family? A-And how can you be serious about me, if you're not serious about your own family? You need to get some serious help, Drew.
"Jeez! Lady, lighten up. I agree with you on family principles here, but there are tons of people that go on vacation during the holidays. Hell, some of them tend to spend the holidays with their friends instead of family for once in a while, and yet you call him mentally unstable. Bitch, you're the one that had the freak-out about it!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Drew becomes a dick about it and Missy leaves and tells him to spend Christmas alone. Yeah, you should've told her that you're Batman. I'm sure she'll go for that. So yeah, Missy's words stick to him and Drew realizes that he doesn't have anyone to spend Christmas with.
(We see Drew pouring himself a glass of spiked eggnog)
Sean: (V/O as Drew) Well, there goes my career down the drain. I knew I shouldn't have done Daredevil.
(Drew sits down on the couch and grabs the remote to turn the TV on, which is showing a fireplace and he raises his glass)
Drew Latham: (Sighs) All right. Merry Christmas.
(Drew sits his glass down on the TV table, which ends up breaking)
"Okay, I did get a chuckle out of that one. I admit, that was pretty funny." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, don't you just love how Missy just mentions the word "family" every time? My God! Vin Diesel would tell this woman to stop talking about family. Only he gets to do so in the Fast and Furious franchise. He says it a lot!
"How about this? Let's play a game, shall we? Let's take a shot every time Emma Swan from Once Upon a Time mentions the word "family". Let me get my bottle of alcoholic eggnog." Sean said as he grabs his bottle of Evan Williams Eggnog. "Let's begin."
(We cut to a montage of Missy saying the word family while we see Sean drinking the whole bottle of alcoholic eggnog)
Missy Vangilder: Christmas is the family holiday./You've never introduced me to your family. You never even mentioned your family./Do you even have a family? A-And how can you be serious about me, if you're not serious about your own family?/I'm going to spend Christmas with my family.
After the montage ends, Sean finishes the whole bottle of Evan Williams Eggnog and sits the whole bottle down on the table.
"Holy chri-ow-yow-yow-yow-yow!" Sean said as he feels the effects of the liquor hitting him as he gets drunk quickly and starts slurring his words. "Oh, man. This was at mistake. This started a lot ended when it faster. Wait, what? I meant to say, that started a lot faster when it ended. I'm okay, I'm okay. I am a grown man wearing a Christmas sweatshirt with Millie Bobby Brown on it and I can handle my... why is the floor spinning? I mean, why is the... oh, I'm going down."
The drunken movie critic fell to the floor and laughed.
"Taylor, fix me some coffee! Hi, floor! Merry Christmas! Oh, there's my Blu-Ray copy of Finger Lickin' Good 6 and the rest of my lesbian porn Blu-Rays that I hid underneath the couch. Uh-oh! I'M ABOUT TO BLOW!" Sean exclaimed.
(Before Sean ends up throwing up, we cut to a title card that reads "Two Hours Later and After Sobering Up a Little and Cleaning Up Some of His Vomit and Hiding His Lesbian Porn Collection In His Safe")
Narrator: Two hours later and after sobering up a little and cleaning up some of his vomit and hiding his lesbian porn collection in his safe.
"Sorry about that, folks. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming. I won't be doing that again... maybe. Now, where were we?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Drew tracks down Missy's therapist Dr. Freeman, played by Stephen Root, at an airport in hopes for a therapy session with him and begs him for advice. But, the good doctor has some problems of his own.
Security Lady (Played by Sonya Eddy): Sir, she's gotta put the teddy bear on the belt.
Dr. Freeman (Played by Stephen Root): (Stammers) Can't she just walk it through?
Security Lady: Sir, she's got to put the bear on the belt.
Little Girl (Played by Hailey Noelle Johnson): It's a puppy!
Dr. Freeman: I know it's a puppy. Just put Tu-Tu on the belt and she'll go for a ride.
Little Girl: My Tu-Tu!
Drew Latham: One second. I need one second.
Dr. Freeman: If you could just, please! (To his daughter while trying to grab her stuffed puppy) OK, just gimme the puppy.
Security Man (Played by Smalls): Sir, I need you to step through here, please.
Drew Latham: You're abusing your child.
(Dr. Freeman yanks the toy from out of his daughter's hands and throws it on the belt)
Dr. Freeman: CAN'T YOU SEE I'VE GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS?!
"Here, have a beer, Bill. You're not you when you're not drinking beer. Yep." Sean said, imitating Hank Hill.
Sean: (Narrating) To make him go away, Dr. Freeman gives Drew some advice, which is to write down all of his grievances about his family on a piece of paper and go someplace that reminds him of his childhood and light that piece of paper on fire.
Drew Latham: I like it. (Hugs Dr. Freeman) Oh, thanks so much!
Dr. Freeman: Whoa! Alright.
Drew Freeman: Have a good vaca.
Dr. Freeman: (Pushes Drew off of him) OK. Where's my daughter?
(The x-ray scanner starts beeping)
Security Lady: Sir?
(Dr. Freeman looks at the X-Ray scanner screen and sees his daughter is trying to get her stuffed puppy)
Dr. Freeman: Huh? Oh, there she is. (Looks at the screen in shock) Whoa! Hey Come on out! Come on out for Daddy!
"That's one way to get through airport security." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Drew takes a trip down to his childhood home, but here's the thing, his childhood home is now occupied by this other family, the Valcos, and we're introduced to Tom Valco, played by the late and always great James Gandolfini, his wife Christine played by Catherine O'Hara and their son Brian played by Josh Zuckerman, who spends his time on the computer.
Tom Valco (Played by James Gandolfini): (Shouting) Brian, get down here and eat your dinner, will ya!
Brian Valco (Played by Josh Zuckerman): I'm not hungry.
Tom Valco: (Shouting) Yeah, you are!
Christine Valco (Played by Catherine O'Hara): Stop yelling at me.
Tom Valco: I'm not yelling at you. (Yells) Brian!
Christine Valco: (Shouting) Brian! Get down here, please, so your father can stop not yelling at me!
Brian Valco: I'm busy!
"Okay, even though this movie sucked, James Gandolfini and Catherine O'Hara are enjoyable to watch." Sean said.
"Ah, Tony Soprano and Moira Rose." Brian said while sipping on a glass of orange juice.
(Christine sees Drew hugging the tree in their front yard)
Tom Valco: What?
Christine Valco: There's a guy out there.
Tom Valco: (Sees Drew) Who the hell is that?
Sean: (Narrating) Tom and Christine see Drew outside acting like a complete nut and they don't take kindly to Batman on their front yard. So, Tom goes out there to talk to him and to kindly tell him to leave.
(Drew sets his grievances on fire while Tom sneaks up behind him)
Drew Latham: I forgive you.
(Tom knocks Drew out in the back of the head with a shovel)
"Jesus tap dancin' Christ, dude! You do realize that you're not on The Sopranos? You can't just go around hitting people in the head with a shovel like you're Old Man Marley. Tone it down a bit." Sean said.
Christine Valco: What are the neighbors gonna think?
Tom Valco: If they don't wanna get hit with a shovel, they shouldn't be burning crap in my yard.
Brian Valco: Is he still breathing?
(Christine sees that Drew is not breathing)
Christine Valco: Dear God, Tom. You've killed the man.
(Drew wakes up)
Christine Valco: Oh, shit! He's still alive!
"Quick! Hit him with your shovel again!" Sean yelled out, imitating Christine.
Sean: (Narrating) Drew wakes up and explains his situation to the Valcos and he takes a little nostalgia trip around his old home. Hell, Christine even offers to feed him, despite Tom's objections.
Drew Latham: So, what's for dessert?
Christine Valco: (Smiles) Kitchen's closed.
Drew Latham: Aw.
Christine Valco: Yeah, I got things to do.
Drew Latham: Ah, boy. (Shakes Christine's hand)
Christine Valco: Tom, why don't you see the man out?
Tom Valco: I didn't want to let him in.
"Dude, you didn't let anyone in. In fact, you just brained him with your shovel and dragged his unconscious ass into your home." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Tom kicks Drew out of his house after suggesting that he lived with him and his family, but then Drew comes up with a clever plan.
Drew Latham: Tom, please! Please let me stay here!
Tom Valco: No.
Drew Latham: I'll pay you.
Tom Valco: My family's not for sale, pal.
Drew Latham: Tom, I'll pay you $250,000.
(The cash register cha-ching sound effect plays in the background)
Tom Valco: (Smiles) Welcome home, son.
(Tom hugs Drew)
"And there you go, ladies and gentlemen. That's the premise of the movie. A man offers to pay a family $250,000 to pretend to be his family. How can it possibly go wrong?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Tom tells Christine that Drew is going to give them $250,000 to be his family for Christmas, which she didn't take very well. So, Drew calls up his lawyer, played by Phill Lewis, to draw up a contract that requires the Valcos to pose as his family.
Levine the Lawyer (Played by Phill Lewis): Mr. Latham agrees to pay the sum of $250,000 to the Valcos for services rendered until 11:59 pm on Christmas Day. And for said sum, the Valco family will aid Mr. Latham in recapturing those childhood Christmas memories, including, but not limited to, all due festiveness, celebrations, various and sundry merriments, and yuletide glee.
Drew Latham: Agreed!
Tom Valco: Agreed, right?
Christine Valco: Fakin' it anyway. Might as well get paid.
"Isn't that what Catherine O'Hara said while they were reading the script for the movie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So now, Drew is part of the family and immediately, he starts to get on Tom's nerves by breaking the banister like an idiot while trying to slide down it. And to top it all off, he ate his gabagool. That bastard!
(Tom sees Drew eating his salami)
Tom Valco: Is he eatin' my salami?
Brian Valco: That's what it looks like.
Tom Valco: It's 9:00 in the mornin'.
Drew Latham: Oh, I know. It's not really breakfast food, but it was lookin' good in the fridge. I had to dog some.
Tom Valco: Yeah, it is good. Is that the last of it?
Drew Latham: Yep.
(The camera zooms in on Tom's face and we get a close-up slo-mo shot of Drew eating his salami)
"You know, if he did that in the Soprano household, Drew would've been whacked by now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And he continues to annoy Tom some more when he forces him and his family to go buy a Christmas tree and he tries to force him to wear a Santa hat in public.
Drew Latham: Please wear the hat.
Tom Valco: No, I'm not wearing that hat.
Drew Latham: Tom, you gotta wear the hat.
Tom Valco: I'm not wearin' the hat.
Drew Latham: Wear the hat, Tom.
Tom Valco: I'm not wearin' the hat. Now, get it away from me before I shove it up your ass.
Drew Latham: Tom, are you familiar with the phrase "breach of contract"?
(A clip from The Sopranos is shown)
Tony Soprano (Played by James Gandolfini): JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
"Where's the eggnog?" Brian asked.
Tom Valco: (Takes off his hat) Give me the hat.
Drew Latham: All right.
(Tom puts on the Santa hat while Brian laughs)
Tom Valco: $250,000. $250,000. $250,000.
Brian Valco: You're lookin' good, Dad.
(Tom tries to attack Brian)
Tom Valco: Shut up! You hear me?!
Christine Valco: Tom! Tom!
Drew Latham: Eyes on the road. Eyes on the road. Dad.
"You call me "Dad" again, then you're getting the shovel again. This time, I'm gonna hit you even more harder and you won't wake up from that one." Sean said, imitating Tom.
Sean: (Narrating) Drew and the Valcos buy a tree together and they decorate it while Tom looks like he wants to strangle Drew. I'm just waiting for that moment when he snaps and kills that prick.
Drew Latham: We gotta sing Christmas Tree first. Tom, you take the lead.
Tom Valco: You want me to sing?
Drew Latham: Yeah.
Tom Valco: Do I have to?
Drew Latham: Yeah.
"Dude, don't make James Gandolfini sing. The dude's a respected actor and you're going to make him sing. Please don't." Sean said.
Tom Valco: (Sings) Oh, Christmas tree. Oh… (Stops singing) Christine, you wanna help me out here a little bit?
Christine Valco: No, you're doing great.
Drew Latham: You're doin' good, Dad. Come on. You can do it.
Drew and Tom: (Both singing) Oh, Christmas tree. Oh, Christmas tree. You stand in woodland beauty. You are as green….
Drew Latham: (Sings) As summer snow…
Tom Valco: (Sings) As winter snow. (Stops singing) Winter snow.
Drew Latham: (Sings) Winter snow.
Drew and Tom: (Continues to sing) As in summer's brightest glow. Oh, Christmas tree. Oh, Christmas tree. You stand in woodland beauty.
Drew Latham: (Sings) Ahhhh. (Stops singing) That was great.
(A clip from Monty Python's Life of Brian is shown)
Spectator: Absolutely dreadful. Hmm.
"Yeah, I'm gonna need AA after seeing this. By the end of this review, my liver won't be functioning." Sean said as he pulls out a bottle of Jameson Black Barrel Irish whiskey.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Drew lights up the tree, they get a visitor, which happens to be Tom and Christine's daughter Alicia, played by Christina Applegate, and she's home for the holiday, but she is less than pleased by Drew's presence.
Drew Latham: Mom, who is this?
Alicia Valco (Played by Christina Applegate): OK, what's going on?
Christine Valco: Your dad's rented us out for the holidays to this eccentric millionaire.
Drew Latham: You have a daughter? Christine, since when do you have a daughter?
Alicia Valco: It's her terrible secret.
Drew Latham: Well, this is gonna ruin everything. This isn't going to work. The whole bit doesn't work.
Alicia Valco: Ruin? OK. You know what? Umm. Shh. Will somebody please just say something that makes some sense right now?
"This damn movie doesn't make any sense right now." Sean said as he pours some Irish whiskey in his Chicago Bears whiskey glass.
Sean: (Narrating) Christine explains Drew's situation to Alicia, but she's not too enthusiastic about it. Plus, Drew doesn't even have a sister. So, Christine has Alicia to play her illegitimate love child and Drew had no idea about her.
Drew Latham: Ooh, that could be good. Or, you know what? She could be the maid! You're the maid.
Alicia Valco: Mom? OK. Enough.
"Suddenly, I had the image of Kelly Bundy dressed as a sexy maid." Sean said.
"So did I." Brian said.
(We then cut to Drew as he gets ready to turn the lights on the tree)
Drew Latham: OK. Here we go. One, two, three!
(Drew claps his hands as the lights on the tree turn on, shining brightly)
Suddenly, Sean screams as he gets blinded by the lights on the tree.
Drew Latham: Now it feels like Christmas.
Brian Valco: I can smell my eyeballs burning.
Drew Latham: Yes, Brian. It's very important. Don't look directly at the tree.
"CHRIST! NOW YOU TELL ME! God! Felt like somebody threw a flashbang grenade in my house! TURN IT OFF! YOU'RE BLINDING ME!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Drew decides to do some brotherly bonding with Brian, by playing in the snow and throwing snowballs at him, and Drew is being the one that's excited about it while Brian looks like he wants to bury him in the snow after killing him. Then, Tom shows up and decides to have some fun with Drew.
Tom Valco: You like throwing snowballs?
Drew Latham: I was just havin' a good time. You know.
Tom Valco: Yeah. Throw one at me.
Drew Latham: Nah, that's cool. It's all right. Don't worry about it. We're kinda finished now.
Tom Valco: Nah, come on. Like you said, it'll be fun.
Drew Latham: It's getting a little chilly. I don't wanna bother.
"Go ahead, Drew. Throw one at him. I dare you." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Drew Latham: Alright, I'll throw one, I'll throw one.
(Drew throws a snowball at Tom)
Tom Valco: Good one.
(The camera zooms in on Tom, who is seen with a menacing grin on his face)
Tom Valco: Now it's my turn.
(Drew screams and runs away as Tom picks up a snowball and chases after him)
Drew Latham: No!
(Tom throws the snowball at Drew, but we hear the impact as the scene cuts to Tom entering the house with a smile on his face)
Tom Valco: (Panting) That was great. Any time you wanna do that again, you let me know.
(Drew enters the house with a bruise on the side of his face)
Drew Latham: We said no iceballs, man.
Tom Valco: Oh, did we?
"Okay, that was pretty satisfying. Thank you for making my day, Gandolfini." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Alicia heads to the kitchen to fix herself some breakfast and immediately her and Drew are at each other's throats. Oh, yeah. I'm sure that those two will fall hopelessly in love later on in the movie.
Drew Latham: If you don't wanna play my sister, maybe you could be, like, a wonderful, mysterious Ecuadorian cleaning lady. You know? Or a Swedish cleaning lady. Whatever. The ethnicity's not important. But cleaning lady's good. (Sees a marshmallow in his hot chocolate) Oh. Mmm.
Christine Valco: What?
Drew Latham: My real mom used the mini-marshmallows. Sorry.
Alicia Valco: Speaking of your real mom, why aren't you annoying the hell out of your own family?
Drew Latham: That's not really your business, is it, Consuela?
(Christine is seen chopping up the marshmallows with a meat cleaver)
"I'm pretty sure that Catherine O'Hara wants to chop off Ben Affleck's head with that meat cleaver. Go ahead, I don't blame you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And to top it all off, Drew even go as far as to write scripts for the family to make sure they give him what he wants. Oh, now this is stupid!
Christine Valco: (Reading her lines) "Oh, look at us. I sure hope you like the meal I so lovingly prepared for the people I love. She smiles at Tom." Oh. (Smiles at Tom while he gives her a "WTF" look on his face)
Drew Latham: Have you acted? You've acted before.
Christine Valco: A little theater.
Drew Latham: Yeah? I can tell. I can see it. It comes out in your work.
Tom Valco: You were in Pippin in high school. You played Wind.
"Dude, come on. She was also in SCTV. She's a great comedienne. Hell, Catherine O'Hara is a national treasure. Take a look at her performances." Sean said.
(Clips from Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York are shown)
Kate McCallister (Played by Catherine O'Hara): Kevin!/KEVIN!
(A clip from Beetlejuice is shown)
Delia Deetz (Played by Catherine O'Hara): If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I WILL GO INSANE AND I WILL TAKE YOU WITH ME!
(A clip from Schitt's Creek is shown)
Moira Rose (Played by Catherine O'Hara): David! What does burning smell like?
"Gandolfini, I love you but show some respect here." Sean said.
Christine Valco: "An emotional moment." Sorry, I keep doing that. "Brian, if you eat it all up, I will let you sleep with me like I never did when you were little."
(Christine looks at Drew with a disturbed look on her face and there's an awkward silence at the table)
Sean becomes speechless for a bit while he looks at the camera with a shocked look on his face.
(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)
Yakko Warner (Voiced by Rob Paulsen): Mwah! Goodnight, every…
"Stop, stop, stop! Okay, this is just too fucked up and disturbed right here. I don't think this clip is gonna save it. So, I'm just gonna pour me some more whiskey to drink." Sean said as he pours himself a glass of whiskey and drinks it.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. And Drew also hires a local actor, played by Bill Macy respectively, to play the part of his grandfather called "Doo-Dah".
Christine Valco: Your Doo-Dah looks exactly like the guy we saw in Christmas Carol. Played Scrooge.
Doo-Dah (Played by Bill Macy): That's right. I do a lot of community theater. And this Christmas night, I'm reprising my role as Scrooge in the Lincoln Wood Theater group's production of A Christmas Carol. I hope you all can make it.
Drew Latham: Please stay in character, Saul, OK? (Reads his lines) "Doo-Dah, I'm so glad that you came here. And you're gonna stay for the whole Christmas holiday."
Tom Valco: Oh, whoa, whoa, no, he's not. I agreed to let you in the house, not, uh, Doo-Doo over here.
Doo-Dah: Doo-Dah.
Tom Valco: Nobody's talkin' to you.
"Easy, easy, easy now. No need to go full-on Tony Soprano on the old guy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Drew tells Tom that he'll give him $25,000 and Tom agrees to let Doo-Dah stay here and sleep in the living room, where Brian is sleeping since Drew is sleeping in his room. So now, Brian is sleeping in the garage. Which is complete bullshit right there. Wow, way to treat your son like that. The next day they do their Christmas shopping and getting their picture taken with Santa. Later on, Tom talks to Drew in private.
Tom Valco: You gotta go.
Drew Latham: What?
Tom Valco: We can't do this no more.
Drew Latham: What do you mean? What? What can't we do?
"YES! Thank you, lord! It's about time that you kicked his sorry ass out of your house. Lay down the law!" Sean exclaimed.
Tom Valco: Christine and I…
"Yes, yes!" Sean exclaimed.
Tom Valco: …we're thinking of breaking up.
"Wait, what? No, no, no! Don't do this to me. No!" Sean yelled out.
Tom Valco: We're just… It's not workin' out. We were gonna wait till after the holidays to tell the kids, and you know, with you here, and with your Christmas cheer crap, it's making it worse.
"Why?! Just why?! Why would you tell it to a guy's who's practically holding you and your family hostage and forcing you to be the picture-perfect green card family while you're in the middle of kicking him out?! Do you think you can trust him with anything personal?! What the fuck do you think was going to happen?! God! This movie is pissing me off!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Drew does whatever it takes for Tom and Christine to stay together, by telling them to indulge themselves as Tom buys a new car, which is a Chevelle SS that he had in high school, while Christine gets some glamour shots taken by a photographer played by Udo Kier of all people and he becomes captivated by her beauty.
Heinrich (Played by Udo Kier): Chad, have you ever seen me so elated? It must be this woman. Yes. Isn't she sexy? Erotic. Speak!
Chad (Played by K. Troy Zestos): Oh, absolutely, Heinrich. She's got that special quality…
Heinrich: Get out now.
Chad: But I'm agreeing with you.
Heinrich: You hesitated.
Christine Valco: Yeah, you heard him. Get out! Beat it!
Heinrich: Get out! Beat it!
Sean: (V/O as Chad) Bitch.
Christine Valco: (Chuckling) Uh-oh. He thinks we're serious.
Heinrich: We are serious. Very serious.
(We then see Heinrich taking various photos of Christine while the song "Cherry Pie" by Warrant starts playing)
Heinrich: Yeah! Ausgeseichnet! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Ah! Erotic! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, yeah! Great! Oh, more! Lick the lollipop! Yeah!
"And it's all lovingly set to Warrant's Cherry Pie. A delightful little song about licking a young girl's snatch and getting caught by her father. Fantastic, movie. Fan-fucking-tastic! You couldn't think of a Christmas song to play with this scene?" Sean asked.
(The dirty version of "Jingle Bell Rock" starts playing during Christine's photoshoot)
Singer: Stroke on my, lick on my, suck on my…
(The record scratches)
"STOP, STOP, STOP! NOOOOOOOO! Not that song! Dirty perverts!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, and we still have that romantic subplot because this movie is a romantic comedy. Drew and Alicia warm up to each other as they go sleigh riding with Brian, who doesn't want to sleigh riding as Drew picks the most dangerous hill that would probably kill him like Sonny Bono. And Brian does the smart thing by going back to the helicopter, which leaves Drew and Alicia alone together to see if he goes down that hill.
Alicia Valco: Actually… Part of me thinks that it's incredibly stupid, and the other part of me is in wholehearted agreement. So, there you go.
Drew Latham: That means you're chicken.
Alicia Valco: And you know what I think?
Drew Latham: What?
Alicia Valco: I think that you had no intention (pokes Drew) of going down this hill. I think that you dragged us up here (pokes him again) because you knew we wouldn't go down it. I think you were showing off. That's what I think.
Drew Latham: Wait a minute. You think I'm chicken?
Alicia Valco: Mmm-hmm.
Drew Latham: You think I'm chicken?
(Alicia laughs)
"Nobody. Nobody calls me chicken, Alicia. Nobody." Sean said, imitating Drew.
Sean: (Narrating) Drew and Alicia hop on the sled and they immediately go down the hill like Clark Griswold and almost getting themselves killed and they have a good laugh about it. Also, did I mention that this is a romantic comedy?
(Drew moves in to kiss Alicia, but she ends up sneezing on him)
Alicia Valco: Sorry.
Drew Latham: That's cool. It's OK.
"And now you got Covid. Congrats, dude. I hope it was worth it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Drew and Alicia continue to bond for a bit while recovering from their colds and she shares to him her greatest Christmas memory from her childhood.
Alicia Valco: I was, like, nine years old and we had just had this ice storm. I was walking home from school through Bishop Park. And you know that one big oak tree in the middle? It was completely frozen. And all the branches were just icicles. It was just… it was incredible. It completely stopped me in my tracks. I just remember standing underneath it pretending that I was a princess in a magical crystal palace. It was really… It was beautiful.
"Hold it. Wait a minute. Are you actually having a moment here? Are you actually trying to emote an emotion? Other than disgust?" Sean asked.
Alicia Valco: I was walking home from school through Bishop Park. And you know that one big oak tree in the middle? It was completely frozen. And all the branches were just icicles. It was just… it was incredible.
"I'm sorry. It's just too hard to get into this moment when one of the last scenes was…" Sean said.
(Cut to an earlier scene)
Christine Valco: "Brian, if you eat it all up, I will let you sleep with me like I never did when you were little."
"Yeah, that makes it a little tricky." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we get a montage of Drew and the Valcos getting into the Christmas spirit, complete with Tom kissing Christine passionately underneath the mistletoe, presents being wrapped and placed under the tree, gingerbread men that look like gingerbread whores, stockings being hung by the fireplace and… (Sees Doo-Dah hanging his sock by the fireplace) Uhhh… grandpa hanging his jacking-off sock by the fireplace…
"Ewwww! Grandpa was unleashing some of that Christmas spirit from his yule log." Sean said, making a disgusted look on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) After that little montage, Drew takes Alicia out for a little surprise to show her, and he takes her to the old tree of her childhood, which is covered in ice again. Okay, good. Hopefully, he doesn't mess this one up…
Drew Latham: (Talks on his walkie) Hit it, guys.
(Drew ends up overdoing the kind gesture by bringing in a full pageant production to surround the tree, which doesn't impress Alicia)
"Oh, you stupid asshole!" Sean exclaimed.
Drew Latham: Alicia! Alicia, wait a second. I-I care about you. I did that because I care about you. I was trying to show you that.
Alicia Valco: Look, Drew, let me just give you some advice. Save your big, expensive gestures for some girl who's impressed by them, all right? And when you find her, hold on to her. Because otherwise, you are looking at a lifetime of lonely Christmases.
"Isn't that what's best described his marriage to Jennifer Lopez?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Drew's ex Missy. I forgot she was still in the movie. She receives the gift from Drew, which is a bracelet and she absolutely loves it. Also, you have Connie Ripley (Stephanie Faracy) from The Great Outdoors and Quentin Collins (David Selby) as Emma Swan's parents.
Letitia Vangilder (Played by Stephanie Faracy): Do you like it, darling?
Missy Vangilder: I love it.
Horace Vangilder (Played by David Selby): You're the expert on jewelry.
Letitia Vangilder: Are you disagreeing with me?
Horace Vangilder: No, no. Absolutely not, dear.
Letitia Vangilder: My God. She just got a present. Why would you pick at her right now?
Horace Vangilder: I'm not.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that Taylor's parents aren't like that… maybe." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut back to the Valco household, as we see Brian partake in what every teenage boy does… using the Internet to go on porn sites and choke the chicken, but he forgets to lock the door when Doo-Dah walks in and sees what's on his computer.
Doo-Dah: Holy cow. What are you looking at?
Brian Valco: This is just, it's research.
Doo-Dah: You know, when I was young, we didn't sit alone in our rooms drooling over nude ladies on computer screens. No, sir. We had to go behind the barn with the dirty girl and pay her a quarter so she could show us her goodies.
"Grandpa! What the hell?!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Brian and Doo-Dah check out some middle-aged porn, until…
(Brian and Doo-Dah see one of Christine's glamour shots being manipulated into porn)
Doo-Dah: Dude, it's your mom!
Brian Valco: Oh, my God.
Doo-Dah: Hey, can you print that for me?
"Wait a minute? Did we get a perfect freak joke? We did! And that joke was funny. Thank you, Surviving Christmas! Thank you for that perfect joke. That is a joke done funny and you made me laugh with that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Alicia tells her parents that Drew has to leave because he's making complete fools out of them, but Drew tries to apologize to her and she leaves and Drew is considering backing out of the deal, until things start to blow up in his face when Missy shows up with her parents. So, now he's cooked.
Drew Latham: My girlfriend is here with her family! You guys have to help me! Please, just pretend for like, you know, for a couple of hours! We'll leave by midnight. Please? I'm begging you! I'm begging you!
Tom Valco: No, no. Read paragraph three. You bailed, we're done. You write the check and you get out of here!
Drew Latham: What?! No! Wait a minute! OK, look, I wanna go! I'm dying to go! I wanna get out of here! I gotta have a life to go back to! This girl is that life! I can't really tell her that I rented a family.
Christine Valco: I'm sure she already knows you're crazy. It kinda shows.
Tom Valco: A deal's a deal. That's it. Unless you wanna sweeten the pot a bit.
Drew Latham: That's extortion, Tom!
"Jeez, definitely channeling Tony Soprano here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Drew agrees to give them and extra $75,000 for them to keep up with the charade. Yeah, I don't see that ending very well.
Missy Vangilder: You know, I would love to see pictures of Drew when he was small.
Drew Latham: Oh, babe, we're not gonna bore everyone, that's embarrassing.
Christine Valco: (Grabs a picture) Good idea. Bath time for baby.
(Christine hands the picture to Letitia and Missy)
Letitia Vangilder: Oh.
Drew Latham: Thanks, Mom.
Letitia Vangilder: Look at him.
(Missy and her mother notice something odd about the baby photo)
Missy Vangilder: Drew, are you sure that's you?
Drew Latham: Oh, that's me alright. I remember it well. That picture was in autumn and the photographer…
Letitia Vangilder: No, I don't think so. There's no little dingle.
Missy Vangilder: Nope.
Letitia Vangilder: No.
Drew Latham: (Takes the photo and looks at it) Well, yes. It's there, but it's not… you can't see it, because it was so long, uh, that Mom had to tuck it back when she gave me a bath. It used to get tangled. You remember, Mom.
Christine Valco: Yeah, yeah. From the moment he was born, it was, um, freakishly long.
"And now, this movie is ruined by a baby penis joke. Boy, this movie has reached a new low." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Things continue to turn to shit when the actor playing Drew's Doo-Dah, hires a black man to play his Doo-Dah. And Alicia returns to apologize to him.
Alicia Valco: I came back here because I wanted to apologize to you.
Drew Latham: Right.
Alicia Valco: Yes, the thing in the park was a bit garish and obnoxious, but I mean, that's you. I mean, not that you're garish and obnoxious, it's just that you do things in a big way.
Drew Latham: Yes, I do, I do.
Alicia Valco: And I'm touched.
"You went from being ticked at him for overdoing it, to being touched by what he did. Make up your goddamn mind, woman!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Drew and Alicia share a kiss and she heads out to get his gift, but then Missy shows up to get a cheeseball and kisses him right in front of Alicia, and now she's ticked. Did I say ticked? I meant livid. That's fifty shades of pissed off. Drew explains his situation to Alicia and asks her to help him out. So, she plays along and tries to sabotage everything.
Alicia Valco: (Sees Missy) Oh, Missy, Missy. (Hugs Missy while glaring at Drew) Oh, gosh. I've just heard so much about you from Drew. God, you're gorgeous. And you are so not fat. Drew! What's the matter with you?
Drew Latham: I'm sorry?
Missy Vangilder: Drew, I'm not fat.
"Like I said, it won't end well." Sean said. "So much for plan."
Sean: (Narrating) As Alicia tries to sabotage Drew, Christine gives Missy and her parents a tour of the house and they head into Brian's room and they see the pornographic image of Christine on his computer screen.
Christine Valco: Tom, I don't know what that is.
Tom Valco: I do. It's my wife on my son's computer shooting a "V" for victory with her legs.
Horace Vangilder: Yeah. It's been a while, but that's what it looks like.
Letitia Vangilder: Honestly.
Doo-Dah Understudy (Played by Sy Richardson): (Smiles at Christine) That's my little girl.
"Again… ewwww!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, as you can see, Drew's plan is blowing up in his face as Tom gets pissed off at the photos of his wife, a traumatized Brian smashes his computer, Tom leaves his wife, Missy's parents are disturbed and her mother acts like a complete bitch and this happens.
Letitia Vangilder: This is without a doubt the worst Christmas that I've ever…
Horace Vangilder: Oh, shut up, Letitia!
Letitia Vangilder: What?
Horace Vangilder: What? I'll tell you what. I've put up with your high and mighty act for 25 years, but these people don't have to. And I don't remember you being so superior back when you got yourself knocked up by Skippy Althesller and then tricked me into marrying you.
Missy Vangilder: (Shocked) Oh, my God!
Horace Vangilder: I'm sorry, Missy.
Letitia Vangilder: Missy darling, it's not true. You were… you were premature.
Horace Vangilder: Oh, come on, Letitia! Tell your mother thanks, Drew. And, Merry Christmas. (Salutes Drew)
"Sir, we salute you for standing up to your wife. Thank you." Sean said as he salutes to the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Missy tells Drew that she agrees with him about family and that families suck and she's ready to go to Fiji with him, but Drew couldn't go with her and that he'll spend Christmas alone. So now, Drew's plan backfired on him and Alicia asks him about his real family, so he tells her the truth about his family.
Drew Latham: There was no real family.
Alicia Valco: What do you mean, "there is no real family"? Come on, you must've had a family. I mean, you must've had a Doo-Dah, right?
Drew Latham: Uh, I had a friend whose grandfather, was called Doo-Dah. I always kinda liked that. My dad walked out on us on Christmas when I was four. It was basically just me and my mom. She was a waitress at the 24-hour coffee shop. And she didn't have a lot of money, so when Christmas came around, it was an opportunity for her to take a double shift. She did. And, uh, you know, my Christmases were, basically, I just, kind of sat around the house, you know? And then at night, I'd walk down there, and Mom would always buy me a grown-up stack of pancakes, uh, and I would sit by myself at the end of the counter and eat 'em. And I did that for Christmas every year until I turned 18. I haven't been able to walk in a coffee shop since, though.
Alicia Valco: Where's your mom now?
Drew Latham: Mom died when I was in college.
Alicia Valco: I'm sorry.
"So, the reason why Drew wanted to have a perfect Christmas was just the result of him not having one when he was growing up. And he ruined it for someone else too. Nice job. I hope you're proud of yourself." Sean said.
Alicia Valco: There's nothing you can do about those Christmases. But the one that you can do something about, the one that's here and now, you just spent that destroying my family.
"That's what I've been saying throughout this whole goddamn review!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Drew gets ready to leave and feeling remorseful, he does what he tried to do in the first place: write a list of his grievances.
(Drew writes down "People I Love Leave Me." on a piece of paper and walks over to the fireplace and throws it in there)
Drew Latham: I forgive you.
"Dude, I hope that list is about your biological parents and not the family that you destroyed. If you're trying to feel sad about what happened, then you can just fuck off into the fireplace, you giant log of shit!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I know it's sad that you didn't have a good childhood and it does explain your weirder side. But you bribed a family to pose as your family for weeks! The reason why people leave you is because you treat them like objects. GROW THE FUCK UP AND FIX THIS SHIT YOURSELF, YOU SELFISH SON OF A BITCH! Anyway, the next day, Drew is spending Christmas alone in his apartment and seeing some of the happy families celebrating Christmas, but then Tom shows up to get his money. Hopefully, I get to see Gandolfini beat down Ben Affleck for his money.
Drew Latham: It's just kind of ironic. I paid all that money to be part of your family. You're giving it away for nothing.
"No! You didn't! You were practically holding a family hostage and forced your ideas down your throat, and yet you're lecturing them about family values. Oh, yeah. Let's save a failing marriage even at the cost of your own happiness. Oh, Mele Kalikimaka, you heartless motherfucker!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) And we get the forced happy ending in movie history. Drew and Tom both got tickets to see fake grandpa's play and they go see it, and yes, the family is there as well. Tom and Christine get back together, Drew and Brian have one moment have one moment of bonding and convinces him to talk to a real girl instead of watching porn on his computer and Drew bumps into Alicia and thanks her for teaching him. Uh, what was the lesson that she taught him? Oh, forget it. Let's just see these two get together.
Alicia Valco: So who are you renting for New Year's 'cause you know, us Valcos, we book up kind of fast.
Drew Latham: I see that.
Alicia Valco: And I'd get on it, if I were you.
Drew Latham: I'm lookin' for a family with maybe a bearded, irascible dad with a heart of gold. Uh, a brother who stays in his room all the time by himself, and a sister who is… wonderful and smart, and really beautiful. Because I think that's the kind of person that I could fall in love with. You know anybody like that? I know it's tough.
Alicia Valco: Let me think. Not offhand, but I'll get back to you on that.
Drew Latham: Let me know.
("Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Judy Garland starts playing as Drew and Alicia kiss. Suddenly, Missy and her parents are driving past and they see Drew and Alicia kissing)
Missy Vangilder: Daddy, stop the car! Oh, my God!
Letitia Vangilder: Oh, my God!
Horace Vangilder: (Smiles) He's kissing his sister.
Letitia Vangilder: That is open-mouth.
Horace Vangilder: 'Tis the season to be jolly, honey.
Letitia Vangilder: Oh, God! Get us out of here!
Horace Vangilder: Maybe they're just tryin' to keep warm.
Letitia Vangilder: Let's get out of here! Come on!
(They drive off and the next scene cuts to Drew and the Valcos eating in the diner where his mother works)
Sean: (Narrating) Remember kids, when Bruce Wayne asks if you could play his family, just say no!
"And that was Surviving Christmas… yeah, I can see why this movie did poorly in theaters." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) This movie is awful, you have a funny moment here and there, but it's not funny, it makes no sense, you have some subplots that go nowhere, major reveals are forgotten and every one in the movie is horrible. They act like a bunch of assholes. The movie's a complete mess. Man, I'm surprised that Ben Affleck's career survived after this movie. I mean, he's done some pretty good films after this one with films like Hollywoodland, Argo, Gone Girl and of course, he was a pretty good Batman in the DC Cinematic Universe, but boy did he go through a rough patch. And James Gandolfini and Catherine O'Hara were enjoyable to watch, even though the movie was horrible. This is indeed one of the worst Christmas movies of all time and I sat through it, so you don't have to. Surviving Christmas comes in at 1 bottle of spiked eggnog out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and…" Sean said until he is interrupted by the start of the dirty version of Jingle Bell Rock.
Singer: Stroke on my, lick on my, suck on my…
Sean points his gun at the camera to stop the song.
"KNOCK IT OFF!" Sean yelled out in a threatening tone as the record scratches.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- "Brian, if you eat it all up, I will let you sleep with me like I never did when you were little."
And that was the review of Surviving Christmas for The Mayhem Critic. So, what did you think of this review and the movie? Yeah, I actually watched Surviving Christmas and boy, did it suck. I cannot believe that this movie was made and that great actors like Ben Affleck, James Gandolfini, Catherine O'Hara and Christina Applegate starred in. Well, at least we'll move on to something even better, because next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean the Mayhem Critic is going to take a look at one of his favorite adaptations of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, and that is Mickey's Christmas Carol and he's not doing this review alone, because he's is going to review it with his good friend Brian. Is it one of the best adaptations of A Christmas Carol? And after Mickey's Christmas Carol, it's the 1998 Jonathan Taylor Thomas comedy I'll Be Home for Christmas. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates.